When Bright Minds Fail to See Within - 197

Have you ever met someone so brilliant yet so blind to their own shortcomings? Join me, Sean, as I reveal the paradox of smart leaders with low self-awareness. We often applaud those with the 'right answers' but overlook the critical skill of being open to other perspectives. Throughout my years as a performance coach, I've witnessed the brightest minds struggle with recognizing their own blind spots. This episode peels back the layers of irony, emphasizing the need for incorporating self-reflection and embracing failure into the leadership toolkit. We'll discuss how a balance between internal conviction and receptiveness to feedback can be the linchpin for personal and professional growth.

Reflecting upon a past rife with controlling tendencies, I share a personal story that opened my eyes to the subtle ways leaders can stifle their teams' development. We'll explore the transformative journey from unconscious habits to conscious change, both in personal relationships and team dynamics. It's not just about owning up to our mistakes; it's about reshaping our leadership approach to uplift those around us. As we narrate this intimate saga, witness the strength found in vulnerability, and the profound impact it can have on forging more conscious connections in every facet of life. Join us for this heartfelt exploration that promises to challenge your perceptions and inspire your evolution as a leader.

Are you an executive, entrepreneur, or combat veteran looking to overcome subconscious blind spots and limiting messaging to unlock your highest performance? Feel free to reach out to Sean at Reload Coaching and Consulting.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the reload, where we help unconventional leaders craft the life they truly want by questioning the assumptions they have about how life works. My name is Sean and I'll be your host on this journey. As a performance coach and special operations combat veteran, I help high performing executives kick ass in their careers while connecting with deeply powerful insights that fuel their lives. So today's episode is very much in keeping with the last couple weeks episodes in that I don't know, for some reason I've been really connected to these kind of bite sized little morsels of coaching information, largely fueled by conversations that I've been having with clients of mine and, to be clear, I have a great deal of respect for my clients. I think that they are attempting generally to do pretty big things in the world, not that that is the only measure of respect for an individual, but they're attempting to do that while also really truly attempting to be good people, attempting to be better leaders, better humans, more compassionate, more patient, more understanding, more aware and it's that last piece, being more aware, being more conscious of how they show up in the world and the impact that they have in this world and on the people in their life. It's that last one that I want to talk about.

Speaker 1: 1:43

Over the years of doing this, one of the things that I've noticed and I've noticed this with friends and family as well is that oftentimes, perhaps even most of the time, intelligence does not equal awareness or consciousness. And if I look back at the trend that I've seen, the clients of mine and I have made mention of this in the past, but it's been quite a while the clients of mine who are the most intelligent from an IQ perspective are often the ones who are least aware, who have the least amount of consciousness, and if I'm being brutally honest, I don't quite know why. And of course, we can throw all kinds of doubt onto this observation by saying well, sean, I mean, how big is your sample size? Have you sampled thousands and thousands of people? No, I haven't, quite honestly, but there has generally been this observation and it makes me curious what is it about people who are highly intelligent that causes them to be highly unaware? Because I don't know, there's something about that that doesn't seem to sit right, at least not at first glance, because we like to believe well, if somebody's really smart, they should be able to figure things out, they should be able to see how different factors work together. They should be able to recognize the ramifications or consequences or, you know, third order after effects. And one of the things that I guess I don't know kind of stands out for me is that oftentimes and I do notice this occasionally with my wife, who is extremely smart and everyone that knows her says so is there's often a sense of assurance that they are the ones who are seeing the world correctly.

Speaker 1: 4:32

And they, these smart people, are often building their careers and have often gotten to their position of authority by having quote, unquote the right answer. Now, the right answer might simply be a right answer, one among many, but oftentimes, when we have a course of performance over our lifetime, over our career, of being told yeah, that's right, you are right, you have the right answer, the right answer, not a right answer, because Bob and Sue each came up with their own right answers as well. But hey, we're just gonna go with yours because it's maybe the easiest to implement, or you socialized it correctly, or who knows what right. But this gravitation towards such and such person having the right answer, and so oftentimes with highly intelligent people, they have a very long, established, robust track record from being an individual contributor, to eventually getting into positions of leadership, to eventually getting into top positions of leadership, all based on this notion that they have the right answer, that they see what others do not see, maybe even cannot see, and therefore they are the ones to guide the future course of the outfit, the organization, the company, the whatever. But in that there's this. I don't know this. If we wanna get into biblical references, there's this sort of tower of babble that we end up growing that eventually will fall, and it is because we're not actually aware. And when I think about some of the senior leaders that I've worked with, that lack of awareness often manifests itself as thinking that only they can come up with the right answer for the future, or the right course of action or the right strategic direction, and that they do not seriously consider that. Maybe they're wrong. Oftentimes they believe that their success is predicated on certain factors or certain characteristics, for instance their ability to grind, their ability to work harder than the next person. And again, who knows, maybe or maybe they were successful in spite of those characteristics, not because of them. And it's a I don't know, it's a mixed bag where it's a double-edged sword.

Speaker 1: 7:41

A couple of weeks ago I talked about how it is that we maintain internal faith in the midst of external input, and that it's important to maintain internal faith. So then, what are we talking about this week, or am I going back on what I said a couple of weeks ago? I don't think so, because I think a couple of weeks ago I did mention that, yeah, I think sometimes taking external input on board is actually quite important, but then again, maybe I am reversing myself so frustrating. We get to this place of trying to understand. Okay, how is it that we can really try to assess whether we are being unaware?

Speaker 1: 8:34

And oftentimes the only way that that really comes to the foreground, into a way that snaps into place for folks, is to come face to face or dive nose first into one's own blind spots, and very frequently, doing that is a painful process, because we often operate from a place of such assurance and inner confidence that we know what's going on, and it's only until we begin to have some external evidence, often characterized in the form of failure, that we begin to see oh, maybe this isn't working, maybe the thing about which I was so certain for so long is actually not the ticket, maybe it never was, or maybe I just find myself at a particular juncture in my life or my career where the things that used to be successful no longer are. And very frequently that is the space in which I operate with clients. Typically, they have gotten into a position of strategic leadership and they are beginning to recognize oh wow, it's not working. All my old ways of being or at least enough of them that it's a noticeable big deal are not working the way that they used to, and I don't know what to do because I'm so used to playing the same set of cards, but they don't seem to be working. So what can I do here? How can I change? What am I not seeing? Because, ultimately, if we are highly intelligent but we are not aware, then it's incredibly likely that we're going to misapply our intelligence. We have a tremendous tool and we don't know how or where or when to apply it, because we're not really seeing the world as it is. One useful exercise that I think can help is actually to write down and physically write it out. Don't just think it, but physically write out.

Speaker 1: 11:19

Where you have points of pride, where do you really truly pride yourself? Oh, I really pride myself on being a good listener or I really pride myself on being a good leader. Well, of course, then you'd have to define what good leader actually means and try to keep it succinct. Don't write yourself a novel, but some succinct bullet points about what good leader means, wherever it is that you pride yourself. I pride myself on standing up for the little guy, or on protecting my people, or on calling it the way it is Speaking truth to power, as some people like to say. Yeah, write all those points down that you think you you know areas where you're like, yeah, I'm good at that, I do that, that's me, I own that. And then begin the very challenging work of asking yourself and you might actually need to ask other people to be honest where you fall down on that. If you'd think you're such a great listener, ask people assuming that they're willing to tell you the truth if they would rate you as a really good listener.

Speaker 1: 12:50

If you think that you are so good at speaking truth to power, try to discern where it is that perhaps you don't, but the very least not always. Where is it that you slide into ass covering behavior? Where is it that you perhaps laugh at the boss's joke even when you didn't think it was really all that funny. Where is it that maybe you're not standing up for the convictions that you think you hold so dearly? Because our points of pride, the areas in which we feel we have the most pride especially, we are self-justifying and think we have all kinds of evidence to substantiate the pride that we feel. Those areas are often the areas of our biggest blind spots. And if we can look into those areas, then we can begin to recognize where things are breaking down so that we can actually start to address the issue. Maybe it requires us to adopt a new way of thinking. Maybe it requires us to learn new tools.

Speaker 1: 14:16

For my own experience, a lot of people think that I am pretty intelligent and I can guarantee you that I was one of the least aware people out there. I walked around probably still do but I used to walk around with a colossal chip on my shoulder thinking that I had the answer. No matter what it was that we were talking about. I could see your problem and I could let you know what it was and I would give you the solution you just need. If you listen to the show for any amount of time, you know how much I get riled up at that phrasing. You just need two dot dot dot and your problem will be solved. You are welcome.

Speaker 1: 15:16

And I was in reality quite rigid and I was deeply unconscious of the effect that I was having on other people. I was so completely unaware of this control freak nature that I was putting on other people, probably the women that I was romantically involved with, and when that came to light it wasn't actually a crucible moment for myself. It was something that I was observing somebody else do. It was somebody very close to me and they used a certain mannerism that instantly hit a note of recognition in myself, because it was a mannerism that I have myself used on many occasions and for whatever reason I was in a particular place, mentally, emotionally, seeing that behavior, that mannerism demonstrated on another person All of a sudden snapped me into awareness, consciousness, and I had this instant replay of all these moments in my life where I had done a similar mannerism to women in my life, women that I cared about or at least told myself and told them I cared about and, to be fair, hopefully to myself, I did care about them.

Speaker 1: 16:48

But there was an element inside of me, this control freak element that that so desperately needed to control and for some reason needed to control the women that I was dating, and to see it displayed by another person and then to have this instant recall of these various instances where I had done the same thing. It was this powerful splash of cold water on my psyche, on my sense of self and, quite honestly, it brought a massive amount of shame forward, because I saw the effect that that mannerism was having on this other person's partner. So, in real time, I'm watching this drama unfold and I'm getting to see both roles being displayed and I can see the control animal inside the one and then I can see the hurt in the other. And fuck me. That was such a powerful experience and it helped me see something that was oh so deeply misaligned. Because if you had asked me outright, I would have told you all day long for my entire life no, come on.

Speaker 1: 18:12

No, no, I don't want to control people. I'm all about people being independent and autonomous. Strong, I'm strong, I believe that I'm strong, I believe that I'm independent and autonomous. But part of that control was my own weakness, my own inability to accept different ways of doing things. I had to convince myself that my way was the right way and you had better fall in line. And so that moment was such a blessed teaching moment even though there was a lot of pain that came with it Because it helped me snap into what was really happening. It helped me to sort of tear down the veil of self-deceit that I had been putting in front of my own eyes, trying to assuage my own ego no, no, no, no, you got it, you're doing it right, you're good, you're good, never mind that they're like unhappy and they leave no, no, no, no, that's their fault.

Speaker 1: 19:40

So using our points of pride can be tremendously effective in helping us pinpoint areas for inquiry, areas for us to start digging, exploring, trying to understand. Huh yeah, what's going on here? Why am I so invested in people acknowledging my authority or acquiescing to my way of doing things? Am I really the only person that has a brain in this outfit? Am I really the only person that can come up with good ideas about how the future should go, or where we should go into the future? If so, what kind of organization have you built around yourself?

Speaker 1: 20:30

Now, that's a thorny question for a lot of my clients, because when they start to criticize their subordinates as not seeing what the right way forward is or having some other sort of deficiency. I often ask them who hired this person? Oh well, I did, okay. Well, I mean, if they really truly are that deficient, why haven't you replaced them? Or, more specifically not more specifically, but more pointedly if you're in charge, why are you not training them? If they really truly are not connected with the vision, or their deficient in some sort of skill set, why are you not training them to be better? And, interestingly enough, some of those leaders have said well, that's not my place. At this point in their career, they should already have the skill set. In which case, why did you hire them? Right, we go back to the beginning.

Speaker 1: 21:36

But ultimately, I think that looking at our points of pride in order for us to really truly assess with as much openness and vulnerability as we can muster, helps us get to a place of awareness and consciousness, and there will most likely be times that it's not entirely clear. That example that I gave from my own experience, that was pretty clear and when I saw it playing out, there was something deep in my guts, deep in the belief center, that said, oh my God, I do that. And then I was able to recognize the look of hurt on the various women that I had unconsciously attempted to control. Control in subtle ways, and that was part of what made this so difficult to identify in the first place. My control was unconsciously expressed and it was subtle, little sort of biting comments, backhanded comments, nothing over, like you know you better not talk to that guy or whatever but just little things. But then when I saw it, there was that deep recognition inside that yes, this is the thing that I also do and it felt true that I was doing this behavior.

Speaker 1: 23:19

But there are times when it may not be that stark and that process it generally is more difficult because we're not sure. Do I do this? Is it really fully on my shoulders? Does the other party not have any responsibility in this as well? Notice, I didn't say fault. Fault is very much, and I've done an episode on this that you can search for. I don't remember which one it is but the difference between fault and responsibility. Fault is backward looking and it's really just based on retribution. I feel emotionally upset and I wanna blame it on somebody. Responsibility is forward looking. Hey, we had a problem. We don't want that problem to reoccur. How do we address this? What part do I own? What part do you own? How are we going to improve the process or the relationship or the whatever?

Speaker 1: 24:25

So, in these moments or these aspects of ourself, our psyche, our soul, our spirit, whatever you wanna call it where we're unsure how much of it we own, a lot of times it does take conversation, really hashing things out with the other party. First off observing hey, this seems to be the circumstance in which we are operating. Do we agree that we're facing these factors? I don't know, maybe there's a lot of arguing, or maybe I don't know, maybe there's a big project at work and there are multiple departments that have a contribution and it's bogging down somewhere. And so, first off, we have to agree that we're facing the conditions that we all think we're facing.

Speaker 1: 25:20

Are we agreeing on reality, which I'm laughing because so frequently, especially if I coach multiple people on the same team, as I've mentioned in other episodes, there are so frequently times when people come out of the same meeting and then they end up talking to me about it in their respective sessions individually and they have vastly different experiences or accountings of what happened in the same meeting, and so it's not a given that everyone agrees on what reality is, even though that seems very counterintuitive. It's like well, it's reality, ah, it's our perception of reality, and we tend to look at the world through our own lenses. And so, first off, we have to come to some sort of common agreement on okay, what is the truth of our reality? What was the original agreement on? Who owned what in a process and who was supposed to deliver what? That's a big chunk of work all by itself, and it gets cloudy when it comes to family or friendship or romantic relationships, because quite frequently there is not some sort of clear delineation of okay, well, this department owns this and this team owns that, and then, together with all of our various inputs, we're gonna be able to accomplish this process. But in either case, we have to get to some sort of common ground on what is actually happening and then, from there, begin to start to inquire around.

Speaker 1: 26:53

Okay, why do we end up in fights all the time? Where is it that one or both of us, or all of us, are unable to really speak objectively I mean as much as humans can about a charged topic without getting defensive? Can we actually stay focused on the issue instead of immediately associating our own individual sense of worth and validation with whatever is happening on the outside, which is a whole nother body of work. But if you are able to get to a place of actually really truly being aware of your own individual sense of worth and validation and, one by one, delving into and then illuminating your blind spots from what I've seen play out in my life and the lives of my clients, there is tremendous benefit in terms of how effectively and how powerfully you navigate your world and what it feels like and that's another funny thing.

Speaker 1: 28:10

So many of my clients are these like really serious types who kick ass and take names and really get a lot of shit done. And yeah, that's great, that's awesome. But what's interesting is they often at least when I first start working with them they sort of look down their nose about feeling Don't talk to me about feelings, sean, I've got things to do. But then we start to get into the touchy-feely side of coaching and they start to tell me that their life doesn't feel good. Yeah, they're accomplishing a lot, but it doesn't feel good. They have a resume that's a mile long, all kinds of trophies and accomplishments, and yet they feel unhappy, they feel overwhelmed, they feel like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They're not connected to a sense of joy. Now, don't confuse it. I'm not talking about being entertained, but joy that our life can actually feel joyous while we do serious work to accomplish fulfilling things. And becoming more aware, becoming more conscious of how we show up and the impacts that we have, helps us be more effective, helps us achieve more fulfillment, helps us do all of that with a greater sense of joy and ease, and it takes generally a lot of work to get there, but I think things worth having are worth putting the work in for.

Speaker 1: 30:12

Anyways, hopefully this episode helped you Again. The exercise, in case you want to take it on yourself, is to write down the points of pride that you possess and then start digging for the blind spots behind those points of pride. Some of it is going to be internal exploration and probably some of it's going to involve talking with others, and if you cannot get anyone to tell you something critical, they will not criticize you, and if you are in a position of power over them, then there is a really good chance that they are too afraid to tell you the truth and that should be illuminating all by itself. If you're enjoying the show, on that prickly note, if you are enjoying the show for some odd reason, I would love it if you would like subscribe, follow, thumbs up that thing and, of course, share it with other people who are equally unaware or don't. Totally up to you. But until next time, take care of each other.