Setting Boundaries without Pressure + Panic

What does it even look like to set + hold good boundaries?

Boundaries can feel like an illusive mystery. Our preconceived notions of what we should be doing can create really rigid metrics for succeeding or failing, when in all actuality, there’s often no right or wrong!

Today’s discussion includes validating the intention to “find the line”, why boundaries isn’t a binary but rather a spectrum, and the mindset reframes needed to be more effective and successful while still allowing for exceptions to the rule.

IN THIS EPISODE I SHARED:

• How the lack of boundaries leads to entitlement
• What your true responsibility is
• How much time you actually have to address the behavior

DON'T MISS:

• An important distinction to realize when parenting strong-willed kids

// CONNECT WITH DANIELLE //
Website: parentingwholeheartedly.com
IG: @‌parent_wholeheartedly
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Transcript

Danielle Bettmann  0:04  
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety and not enough patience? Too much yelling, not enough play? There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right, but this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime. So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up, and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud - this podcast is for you.

Danielle Bettmann  0:38  
This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettmann, and each week we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, showing her insecurities, her fears, her failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have. You are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches. You belong here, friend, we're so glad you're here.

Danielle Bettmann  1:14  
Hey, it's Danielle. Even just listening to that intro as I begin to record, I'm starting to feel nostalgic, like I'm not ready to let this go, but at the same time, I feel like it's time. It just feels right, but I can always pick it back up in the future, and it will always live on, and all the episodes will be here still, so it's okay. If you haven't heard, we're wrapping up Failing Motherhood at the end of May, so we are hitting a stride on these last few episodes, leading up to our 200th episode on the five-year anniversary of Failing Motherhood, May 20th. So as you ride that wave with us, we're so glad you're here, and I would love for you, if you have benefited from the podcast at all to show your solidarity in wanting other parents to know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood or parenting daily, that you would just rate the show on Spotify five stars or leave a review on Apple podcasts that would be just such a show of community in being able to participate and be a part of these last few episodes together. 

Danielle Bettmann  2:23  
So thank you for doing that, and today I am going to share a few excerpts of things that I shared on a recent coaching call relating to this universal struggle around setting boundaries. It feels ambiguous, it feels difficult, and we have a lot of misconceptions around what boundaries even are and how you do them and give yourselves permission to even stray from them, or know how to or just really take the pressure off of feeling like you're failing at setting boundaries. So this topic came up with some of my clients, and they were asking, 'How do I set boundaries?' 'How do I figure out where the line is of what matters and what doesn't', and 'How do I follow through knowing that I'm not being permissive and walked all over', 'How do I know if it's just developmentally appropriate and I can let it go, or if it's like a do or die thing that is going to set this like the huge precedent that I can't set that boundary to follow through', and 'when I do set that boundary, does that mean that I basically put my foot down, and then an explosion happens?' Right? That it's an all-or-nothing, and I'm either avoiding the meltdown or I'm creating the meltdown. And I just always find myself at this crossroads, and I can't mess up like the stakes are high. It's all in this moment on me and I'm creating a sense of either entitlement or permissive parenting and just feels almost impossible. 

Danielle Bettmann  4:15  
So today I'm going to share what I shared with those clients in hopes that it not only helps you clarify what you're responsible for, what the goal is, and what your role is, but it also just helps you feel like it's more doable and you're probably doing a better job at it than you thought. So as you've begun listening to these excerpts, I start with validating the intent to figure out boundaries at your house. And then I talk about the problem with not having boundaries at your house. And then I make an important distinction in the shift that needs to be made when parenting strong-willed kids. And then I get into what to do and think instead of what may have been your default in how you view boundaries and how you implement them. So let's dive in.

Danielle Bettmann  5:13  
That is exactly what we're all here to do, and it is not a super quick fix, easy button. 'Oh, now, you know, I've mastered it forever and always.' It's always going to be another iteration, or going deeper with it, or having a more nuanced understanding, or being able to know when you can permit yourself to kind of go above and beyond that, and being able to rationalize that in a really healthy way. It's the same thing with establishing a very healthy relationship with food. It's not super, super, super rigid you can never have these foods you know, like you want it to be sustainable, a way of being and eating and meeting your needs, while also, you know, having these priorities and being able to meet those priorities in a way that feels good and valuing what they have to offer in ways that also allow you to have self-compassion when you eat a carton of ice cream. You know, like it's all the skills that you need within that. That's why it takes time. So give yourself that time and that expectation of just what it feels like to really do that, but naming it is half of it because then you know exactly what problem to solve, the very, very, very important work to protect your relationship. The lack of boundaries creates a whole lot of resentment, division, conflict and just overall wearing down of connection because you are feeling like you can't be yourself, you feel like you're not safe, you feel like you have to defend yourself, and then, you know they feel the same way when there is an inconsistent or incomplete understanding of boundaries, and it also leads to a sense of entitlement by default, because if we don't advocate those two things can be true, and I have needs, and you have needs, and they both matter, then the path of least resistance is whoever gets catered to the most, their needs matter more, and they can't matter more than another person, because otherwise that does create spoiled kids, and that's not what we're here to create. And when you feel like you are and your gut screams to you, hey, this isn't going to be good. I don't want them to think that I'm setting this precedent, that their needs will always trump somebody else's. You'll feel that, and then that turns into that swarm of guilt and confusion and frustration of your behavior when you feel like you are compromising all the time, always. 

Danielle Bettmann  8:01  
So that is very much the reality, very valid, and we all feel it and have solidarity with that 100% universal. I think one of the things that are really important to identify with boundaries is that it's not, again, a binary of either we set a boundary and we follow through with it, or we don't set a boundary at all, and it's a free-for-all all. There's a spectrum, and strong-willed kids are really magnetically attracted to and drawn to leadership that is willing to negotiate with them and set terms that are established together that value their input and allow them to have a voice because that ownership gives them the leg they need In the door to care about the outcome without their engagement. Frankly, they don't care about the outcome. And we want the outcome, we want to know what's the most effective way to get to the outcome. And with strong-willed kids, we have to take a different approach to that, because where another kid might say, yeah, I just really want my parents to be happy, or I really want to get this little carrot at the end. That is not the way that strong-willed kids are motivated, and they will be very clear that, sure, take my door, I don't care, cancel the trip to Disney World like I don't care. So when we're trying to work within that binary, it backfires. So there we have to permit ourselves to know it is going to look more messy when we are trying to work with them to create said established outcomes, because that does create compromise and wiggle room and negotiation, and that does not mean that we are giving them our sense of authority. By doing that, we're actually stepping into our leadership. 

Danielle Bettmann  10:06  
By saying, I've thought through this, I'm being strategic. I know exactly what I'm willing to give up, what I'm not, and here's, you know, how I need your help, and being able to do that in a way that still stands very tall and is very energetically clear, without guilt, you know, and kind of sets the energy, rather than them setting the energy, which, again, is a whole skill set that takes time. But we want to know what the goal is, and what that actually even looks like. So when you are trying to determine whether, is a hill to die on or is a battle worth choosing in and of itself, you can do the math to create confirmation bias either way, right? Like you can find any reason in the world to say sure they can have another snack, or, you know, whatever, because we can always come up with a reason. But the problem comes when we don't have that overarching understanding of, why is it okay for me to have made an exception to that rule and know that I'm not going to make that same decision tomorrow morning, and how do I reset? And how do I know that they're going to also understand the difference between me saying yes now and no later? 

Danielle Bettmann  11:32  
So in and of themselves, you don't want to be making those microcosm decisions in the moment as much as possible. You want to think big picture on those full-on patterns and be able to know, okay, when it comes to these overall circumstances, they don't make or break them as a human being, right? They are more for convenience or out of my preference. While I would love for this to be faster or go just a little bit differently, I also understand that I am giving them a space to be human, and it's okay, I can work with that, whereas on these other issues, they are morally important. They are value-based. They very much are teaching skills or sending messages and lessons to learn that I know I want to almost reserve my patience by letting those other things go so that I have the patience to teach these things very strategically and be able to either have more to give, or be able to, like, you know, hold on to, you know, following through, or whatever that looks like. But again, in that moment, even if it's a value issue, even if it's them hitting you or biting a friend, or, you know, running in the street or touching the hot oven, or, you know, whatever. Clearly, yes, this is something that I have to follow through on. You are responsible, as their parent, to intervene, not to have already seen it coming and prevent it, and if they do it, you're a horrible parent. No, they have permission to struggle and learn their lessons the hard way. Just because it exists doesn't mean that you did anything to invite that. You are responsible for intervening and again, intervening can have a smorgasbord of options for what that looks like. It's not hard and fast this is what it looks like to intervene. I yell, I you know, pick them up. I do all these things to send the message. No, sometimes intervening can be making a joke. Sometimes intervening can be calling attention to something else to stop the ongoing issue, and then later on, have an important conversation that's going to be much more effective and heard and circle forward into what do we do differently? So again, you have a lot more bandwidth than we think we do. 

Danielle Bettmann  14:07  
We have a very narrow view sometimes of what it looks like to actually be a good parent who follows through on boundaries, and the more you feel like you actually have options, the less you're going to feel desperate like your back's against the wall and it's either a do or don't, and you either fail or you win, or you win, or they win like, you know, the more it's these big, polar binaries and only one thing can be true, the more we're going to be pinched and hold into feeling like we're not doing it. You know, we're failing them. We're not holding up our end of the bargain, but it's actually much more nuanced, in a good way. That means, as long as you can identify when a moment does matter enough, and you do intervene, where you stop ongoing harm and you disrupt the opportunity for them to continue going down whatever bad path that was, then you've already done half of what you're here to do. 

Danielle Bettmann  15:09  
The other half is identifying if there's a problem to solve with that. Why did they run into the street? Right? Do we need to have a conversation about safety. Do we need to read a book about, you know, cars? Or what is missing here in your understanding? Or why did he feel so disconnected that he had to, out of spite, run away from me at that moment, me being able to step back, sometimes in hindsight, because in a split second, we don't have all the information identifying okay, there's a couple of problems to solve, maybe here? Now, how do I put my energy into solving those problems before it happens again and again? You can have a 12 to 24-hour window where that happens, where you can always circle back, and have a conversation. You can set things up differently. You can take a toy out of the car that was being a problem. You know, there's a lot that you can change the environment. You can do all these things before we go back to the park, or whatever the incident was. And that might be a lot longer than you feel like you're comfortable with, usually feeling like you have that in the spot, I need to react, and then at this moment, you know, that was my window, and now it's gone. No, the window exists until that behavior is an opportunity to happen again. So sometimes that can be quick, but sometimes that, you know, it could be another three months before we go back to a certain place, or have another birthday party or whatever. Okay, cool. I have a long runway to kind of influence that behavior. It's probably going to be more effective the longer I create a strategy around it and take in more information, and then create kind of a multi-faceted approach to this, rather than feeling like, oh no, I missed the window, and now they got away with it, and you know, they're going to be a horrible person in 20 years, and that's inevitable.

Danielle Bettmann  17:08  
So that is like a part one that leads right into part two, which is going to be an episode on problem-solving that I share in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, we have a three-part series and then a really exciting guest. So I hope you stay tuned, and that second part of it is going to be my biggest mantra, my most important takeaway I want you to have as a listener of this podcast, so don't go anywhere. Make sure to stay with us in May. Leave that review and stay tuned for part two.

Danielle Bettmann  17:57  
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood, your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me. If you love the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood daily, and if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong-willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you and I'm cheering you on.