Ever wondered what it would be like to earn a living from starring in reality tv? Jess Impiazzi, who featured on MTV's Ex on the Beach and Celebrity Big Brother details her experiences and the truth behind the camera, including what she feels are damaging elements of the concept to the positives that came from it.
Jess also details her experiences and more in her new book Silver Linings available from Hashtag Press www.hashtagpress.co.uk
Ever wondered what it would be like to earn a living from starring in reality tv? Jess Impiazzi, who featured on MTV's Ex on the Beach and Celebrity Big Brother details her experiences and the truth behind the camera, including what she feels are damaging elements of the concept to the positives that came from it.
Jess also details her experiences and more in her new book Silver Linings available from Hashtag Press www.hashtagpress.co.uk
Welcome to the second series of work. Actually, the podcast that delves into the reality behind different jobs and careers, featuring amazing people in the roles, telling their story on how they got to where they are and full of advice for others looking to do the same. There's some fantastic guests lined up for this series. And the first one is no exception. I was so excited to be asked to interview someone who could talk in depth about working in reality television and earning a living that way.
Speaker 2:The amount of people that have churned out in these, in these shows is that a conveyor belt. I found myself feeling I was getting my validation from people knowing me from TV. And it was a very unhealthy way of being I didn't you. What I valued anymore. I valued what I thought other people expected of me
Speaker 1:Chat is with the beautiful Jess MPFC, who you may know from series two of X on the beach and celebrity big brother, where she featured in the 2018 year of the woman series. Jess has since gone on to carve a career in acting. She originally trained at the prestigious Italia Conti school and is now getting lead parts in different film productions, alongside other really impressive names. And she's got any book out called silver linings, which details her incredible, interesting life to date and the traumas and experiences she's been through, including her stints on reality TV. Essentially, we get quite quickly into how unreal the concept is, and also how big the reality TV market has become a more, the format can be so damaging in some cases, but how it has really helped her rediscover what was important to her in life, what her passions were as a young child, wanting to be an actress and the hard work she's put in to push boundaries and make things happen. So I hope you enjoy the chat as much as I did.
Speaker 2:Hey.
Speaker 1:Yes, it is an absolute pleasure to have you as the first guest on the second series of work. Actually,
Speaker 2:Thank you very much. Very excited. Now
Speaker 1:I was really excited when I had the IP speaking to you because I was recently chatting with a friend. Who's a teacher who said Kate, I've got people in my class, students in my class who want to become reality TV stars when they're older. And I was like, really? That's what they're thinking about for a career. And she said, yeah, they're serious. They see it as legitimate career path. So it got me thinking it would be great to have someone who knows this world and has learned to living from it and come up the other side. But what I will stress from the start is that that is simply one aspect of the work that you've done. It's not something you define yourself as, and you've done really impressive, incredible acting credentials, which is your true passion. Um, but you are in a position where you can shed light on life within the reality TV bubble and crucially offer that truth. So anyone thinking that this is what I want to do. This is a good career path. This will make me happy. It will lead to fame and fortune.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, um, for me, I kind of fell into reality TV. I'd left my school when I was training and acting and singing. And my mom had gone blind and low tragedies had happened in the family. And it was just something that was there led on from some modeling I was doing and I just kind of got these jobs. But the problem is I find a reality TV is they look for people that probably are slightly damaged because they're going to make better TV. And I think for me personally, I know I do. I, I can't speak on this for every reality TV star, because I do know some that have gone on to absolutely smash it and enjoy every moment of it. But you have to be that lucky one that can do that because the amount of people that are churned out in these, in these shows is that a conveyor belt. I found myself feeling, I was getting my validation from people knowing me from TV. And it was a very unhealthy way of being, um, I didn't value what I valued anymore. I valued what I thought other people expected of me. And I became someone who I wasn't. I mean, I don't even like confrontation. So imagine that on a, on a reality show, this is the most stupid combination of people ever. Um, and I think it can be quite a dangerous spiral because if you don't suddenly get the, be the top of your series and you know, you have a time limit of maybe two or three years. And if you're lucky one or two, that may get your own show afterwards, fine, but that's still going to die out at some point. So you have to know you have something else there always because it's just a conveyor belt with people that are just going through the motions. And I think that's where the danger comes in because someone that gets used to the idea of, Oh, the presser paying attention, I have all these friends, but you don't realize these aren't really friends. They're just hanging around with you for the wrong reasons. You become caught up in this trap where you're craving this attention and you lose who you are and you lose your morals and yourself to feeding to the media, to feed into people's expectations. And I found it quite a dangerous route to go down. Um, you know, some of the shows that interact, like not interesting, but they just, you know, time killers to watch and they can be funny, but also it's another breeding ground for trolls. And I think of course I just knew believe that reality TV now is, is a dangerous place. If you're not ready to handle the flat, it doesn't last forever. I'm grateful for it from where I got my kind of platform, which I managed to, and I still am for the rest of my life. We'll be changing around to do what my passion is, but I, I would never want to have to be back in that space of the reality, being that TTD being my source of validation. And literally, as I say, I express this a lot on the conveyor belt. That's all you are to the producers. It's like, okay, on, on to the next, the next best thing, the next one. And if you're so attached to that, because maybe you've had some bad things growing up where you've had some relationships, you cling onto this as your only validation. And when it goes, it can be quite soul destroying. I don't, I think when you're 18 years old, 19 years old going onto these shows, I mean, I look back now and I'm, I'm 31 now. And like, I didn't know who I was. I only found out who I was about three years ago. I still would've. Hadn't worked out what I wanted from life, how I wanted life when you're 18 and you make mistakes and it's there forever people. Don't let you forget it. And especially trolls on the internet. And, you know, people will hire you with this brush and it's very, very difficult to change it. So I, I find it quite a dangerous place now.
Speaker 3:So where you talk about how you think they, they look for perhaps people who are more vulnerable and they're obviously going for young people in a lot of these shows and coupled with now the sophistication and power of social media and how evolved that's become, it's kind of like this perfect mix for problems, isn't it? And for like you say, self identity issues, validation people suddenly who may be a little bit insecure perhaps, or not quite know who they are as, as no one does really at that age. But, um, you know, the pressure that is put on these people. And, and obviously because they're the premise can look quite trivial. I guess you run one, eat a prime example ex on the beach where it is, you know, assessing in a Villa and it's, it looks very surface on one sense, doesn't it it's very much like people coupling up and a meeting and then X is coming in and there's drama. But actually the layers of that are really damaging to be honest, aren't they, because you're being thrust into situations like you say of confrontation, and if you're not comfortable with that, it's very stressful and anxiety inducing. So you, the numb, I guess the nerves with alcohol and then up doing things that you may completely one not want to do or are going to regret it very quickly because the press social media, everything is on your back.
Speaker 2:Exactly. And, and the things that you know, you do when you're 18, you go out clubbing, you meet friends, or you have a snuck in the club. That's normal what people do, but it's not on telly for hundreds of thousands of people to watch. And then the press seal all over. Like, you may not want your mom to see you is not going to guide, but they're going to, and there's nothing you can do about it. But when you're in there, you, you do forget the cameras there. You're there. I think I was five, six weeks and you have no communication to anyone on the outside, outside world. You've got no guidance and you kind of just got to trust yourself. And at that age, you kind of need that guidance. So you certainly don't have it anymore. And also the reality of reality TV is that there's nothing real about it. What is real about being put in a Villa with strangers and an ex boyfriend from five years ago that that wouldn't happen in real life. And then you've got to live together. So it it's called Valley TTB because there's no script, but the way you're put in these situations, there's nothing real. Even as though it's a big brother. And I really enjoyed my time on there because it was less constructed and less, you know, being told I'll go and have a chat with this person or, or, you know, you're going here today. It was just, you just had to get on with it. But again, you're still living with, I think it was like 11, 12, 14 strangers that you've never met before. You got to stay in the same bedroom. It's not a real circumstance. So you, you're going to react different. There's a new circumstance for you. Um, and people tend to forget that. They just think, you know, if you have a bad day in, in your real life, you can get yourself up for a walk or you can read your book or you can confide in your mom or your, or your, or your family members or someone, but these people are completely not a stranger. So you've got to forge relationships really quickly to try and have w we're humans. We were, people have connections and you have people strive for it. So connections come really quickly and then actually moved. I've never even been around that person. Um, it was big brother was good for me to open up to. I mean, I had here with the woman, so I was really lucky I had politicians and that was nice for me, but it was still a really difficult circumstance. Um, so yeah, reality TV. I don't think there's anything real about it, but everyone at home sees it is that you and that will always be you and you kind of get stuck. So I don't love the idea of reality TV anymore. I mean, when it comes to things with where you can be personally be attacked just from trying to be yourself in the most unnatural circumstances, I think it's almost like you're feeding yourself to the lions now that there's other types of reality, TV shows such as strictly or dancing on ice. And those types of shows that you're showing your talent. So you're not really going to get too upset if someone says, Oh, she can't dance. But if they're going to, if someone's going to message and troll you all day long saying, I mean, I'm big brother. Everyone hated my voice. So I had 90% of England trolling me about my voice. And then, I mean, I thought, well, I can't really do much about that. It's just, um, you're being judged on a person who is in an unnatural circumstance and you can get really trolled and really attack. Luckily it's never really bothered me, but some people, it doesn't look what happened to a lot of the love Island stars, the terrible suicides. And a lot of the time the media don't take responsibility because they'll, they'll literally hound them. I remember back in the day when I was followed around in nightclubs, I would, I was drinking because I was so stressed of like where my, I knew my career wasn't going, where I needed it to. So I was doing, I was being this reality star going out, being crazy, getting packed, coming out of the nightclub. Absolutely faced basically. And then I would come back. I wake up in the morning, my phone, ding, ding, ding, and I'd be so stressed out. I'd have to turn my phone off. My stomach would be turned into severe anxiety. And then people around you like, Oh, this is so cool. You're in the mail. And I'm like, but this cool. Cause my acting dreams are going further and further down the pan. So to cover up that I would then drink again because I was so stressed and it was just this vicious cycle I really needed to snap out of. So I think, unless you're really aware of who you are and can hold onto to yourself and not be bothered by it, which is a fair few people that I've met that can handle it. I don't think reality TV is a great place to go down.
Speaker 3:He mentioned that the recent, you know, really awful scenarios where we've had people take their life. Who've been on reality shows like love Island. Can you relate to that? Obviously you said you could handle a lot of the pressures, but can you relate to how people can get into that position from the experiences you've had
Speaker 2:A hundred percent. I mean, when you're kind of living, this is for me, I was living to show people I was doing okay, because having to put on this front, but I bought a car, I wasn't making fortune. So I was like, well, why am I doing this? I feel like I have to be and show that I was doing well. And the pressure of that takes its toll. I couldn't be authentically mean be who I was, who I was. And I wasn't even being allowed to find out who I was because I was trying to be someone I wasn't to show everyone else that I was his girlfriend, this from the tele. And that is a really tiring and so destroying place to be in. And it's very easy to slip when you start losing the press, when people stop hanging around you, the invites slow down. So if that was what you are now basing your worth on those, you can be left in a very, very dark place. And I completely, I think most people, I know that I've done me, honestly, I've spoken to have said the same thing,
Speaker 3:Because I guess the perception is you're quite rich. If you're doing it, you're, you're famous. And you start to get, I don't know, influence deals now because of social media. So you're promoting products and then that perception that you're famous and very successful has to be kept up with it. Doesn't it? You have to keep showing that you've got this amazing life that you're not actually waiting for the phone to ring and to go onto another show or, you know, struggling to pay for the car that you've got, because you want to keep up that perception and must be like you say, doubly hard because you may have got into that situation. But actually, especially for reading a book that isn't you at all, is it, you're actually a hugely hard working person whose dream is to, to work in film and acting and performance. And it was never to be famous overnight for no real reason.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I mean, I w I worked hard. I had, when I was going to my theater school, I even dropped down to you in school. So I could study Longo and go to the theater school. And I just wanted that so much. So that felt like it had been pulled from under my feet. I thought this might be way to get back to it, but actually it wasn't, it completely turned around and completely lost who I was, I didn't understand anymore. And yeah, I just, I just, I just find the whole thing now. Like there needs to be a lot more warnings about, actually, we're not going to make you rich. You wrote that you were staffed for maybe a couple of years and you're going to try and cling onto that as much as you can, but that that's a lot. And I think that if people knew how hard that could be, when you feel that you've, I mean, act is already a hard industry to crack and stay in any way. So when you get something like this, that can be whipped away. And then also that's probably a big detriment to what you want to do. You kind of in a bit of a duck,
Speaker 3:Hi, you talk about how you think people cast well vulnerable people. So going into that process. So if you can hear a big siren go past the house. Yeah. So I mean, casting is very much a kind of acting term, isn't it? Rather than kind of reality. So already you feel a sense of this construction of something that isn't real for the fact there's people that cast the characters, I suppose, are the personalities on the show. So just quickly, what's that kind of process like, and how rigorous is that cast?
Speaker 2:Well, you know, I've been doing acting auditions for years, so I kind of knew how to go into it. I mean, doing it since I was like, it's my first advert when I was about three. So I knew how to go to an acting audition. So I went into the reality casting. I knew you need to have a big personality and I can be quite comical at times. So I'd go in and I would just, you know, take the Mickey out of myself, talk about all the relationships that have gone wrong and really, really go in with that. Um, and that, that's kind of how I got it. I think for the casting for MTV, I didn't know that from the beach. Cause I kept that quiet.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I read that in your book, which is quite, um, a shady aspect of it as well. Isn't it not really telling you what you're going into.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's just, I was just told you a dating show on TV, so I've gone on and it was, luckily I had a nice ex I was friends with and we're still friends, so it's fine. But you know, imagine like some people went in with someone that they categorically hated that would have been a nightmare for six weeks, you know, or was so violently in love with still that they would be in pain every day. Um, so couldn't have been a nice experience on, on that kind of side, but yeah, the casting process was just being yourself. But I think if you're quite self-assured, you, you don't need to be talking and rambling and being all crazy. Whereas I was, I was rambling and chatting and being overly funny. I was sweating like no one's business. I was so nervous, but I I'm good at hiding that. Cause I'm usually where that normal audition is. Cause it's nerve wracking either way. So they do compare as in like it's a nerve wracking process, but obviously I'm not going into reload lines and going into just being myself. And I won them over again. You know, I was talking about old relationships that they've gone wrong. Uh, if I've been a bit crazy and that's what they're looking for. If I went in there, blah, yet we broke up. It was fine. Um, because you're, you're, you're comfortable with yourself and you're aligned, but when you're not, it's very easy to spot someone that isn't because it's a bit more wild, a bit more wacky. Um, maybe, you know, you jump to conclusions, you're a bit more spontaneous. And I mean, these are all attributes that could just be fun, but you can also pick out when someone's a little bit on the edge.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And, and in terms of then actually going on to a show there's cameras, I guess set up, it's not like big brother, I guess, where you don't actually see them do or you see them, but you don't see any crew, but in something like X on the beach, they've our crews up there. So you're aware that you're being filmed for, like you said, you can forget that. Cause it's constant. But how, I mean, how does it work? Do people run up to your cameras or are they already set up or
Speaker 2:They run to you if there's something an argument happened or they noticed like your, your, your microphone is on all the time and there's someone in the gallery watching every moment of you. And if they think, Oh, that conversation's about to blow up, the crew would be there in seconds, like this in your face. And you're like, look at the camera. Yeah. And it's going to carry on. I mean, there was one time I really just wanted to leave and I was, I was kicking off. I just need to leave. I've had enough. And the cameras was in my face and I was like, can you just go away? And I was screaming at the camera, like, just let me out. I want to go home and crying and crying. And you just feel like when you get to that point, when you're that wound up, when something's in front of your face like that, you just get crossed with everyone. Then you're like, just leave me alone. But I don't, I don't think let, now I've figured out who I am and my emotions, and I've learned to heal myself. You wouldn't even get that reaction out of me anyway. So they need to know that they're going to get some reaction out of someone because that's what makes it TB. You need someone to lose their head or go crazy and shout and be upset. Whereas I wouldn't be able to do that. Now. I really struggled to ever lose it. It takes a lot for me to ever get across like that. So it just shows that, you know, that the people that had in there with me as well, there was always the characters that would go from zero to a hundred so fast that it makes good TV. No one wants to see someone have a, have an argument and talk to each other nicely.
Speaker 3:And do you think that's in people's heads as well as I'm going to become quite angry or I'm going to fly off the handle because I know that it's entertaining.
Speaker 2:So on my series, I don't think that was so much the case, because again, reality TV was relatively new at this point. I mean, I've been around, but this show was new. And I don't think the idea of a massive reality star was there. It was how we kind of was the only one, um, when, when I was doing it and they became massive stars at the time. Again, they will vanish now just how it works. But, um, I do think as the series went on, you could see people playing up to, to things. When you just think, why are you even crossed about that? And then it also made that Stevie boring to watch because there's no authenticity about it anymore. It's someone reacting absolutely crazy over nothing because it's going to make them air time. And I just think that kind of makes people not even want to watch it because when I've watched it back and recently, if I've seen people just going crazy for no reason, I'm like, well, this isn't even entertaining. Cause you can see what they're doing. And most of them aren't actors. So they, they can't turn it on and off. And I don't think when there's no authenticity in reality, it just becomes a bit dough.
Speaker 3:When you went onto this show, like ex on the beach in the back of your mind, were you thinking this is a means to an end. And this is a way of me getting more connections of getting my name out there because ultimately I want to be an actress or was that not really part of the thinking at the time?
Speaker 2:I think my thinking at the time was I've lost everything. I've dropped out of theater school. I can't get an agent and this is my last straw. I have nothing else like my GCSE stuff. Because as I said, I went back a year at school. So I was doing them a year late, but my nephew had died in few months before. So I was looking after him as a baby, as a baby, he was 13 months old and I couldn't focus. So I didn't have any GCSE really apart from acting and dancing. And that I felt like that was never going to happen cause I couldn't get an agent. And so I was, I was just in this like lost place where I was that I have nothing going for me. I absolutely destroyed my life and I'm only 17. But one thing I did learn that was quite interesting that your frontal cortex of your brain doesn't develop until you're an adult. So where I was thinking I'm 17, I haven't got an agent. Oh my God, that's it. You can't see past the bad stuff that's already happened. But as an adult, now we can look past it and see actually bad times come and go. But at that age where your prefrontal cortex hasn't developed, you can't particularly figure that out. So I found that very interesting because when I looked back and I see 17 year old, me thinking, this is, it I've left school. I absolutely destroyed my entire life. And I was going to get this one 90. Um, that was my thought process. And I thought, there's nothing. I have to do this. That you've got no other option, but actually it's just quite sad looking back. Thank you. Actually, you had 17 call. You got to go back to drama school. Like you could've, you could've really auditioned and tried again and got another scholarship, but you know, things, I do believe things happen for a reason. And I can't sit and say, I regret any of it. This decisions I would do differently. But if I hadn't have made them, I wouldn't be as understanding as I am now and understand myself as much. So I don't even see that old, old jet is that as the same person I am now, I feel like that was a person that needed a lot of healing and a lot of growth. And I needed happened within that to become who I am now. So I don't regret it, but I also wouldn't advise reality. CBT youngsters.
Speaker 3:That's interesting. I'm actually, yeah. I mean, like I said before, I got sent a copy of your book, silver linings. That is how soon isn't it is out this month. 14th of January.
Speaker 2:I couldn't believe I had like my copy. And I was like, wow. It was just amazing thing to have it in my hands. I worked so hard writing it.
Speaker 3:I bet you did. And I just want to say that I was such a good read. I actually flew through it. I only got it because I got it. Um, the pace of C was delayed. I got it about, I don't know, four days ago and I sat and I thought, Oh God, I'm never going to be able to get three this before I speak to you. But I did it easily. I actually sat. Then I found that I'd go through sort of four or five chapters without even realizing it. And I was completely gripped and I was literally at one point I burst into tears and I was cracking up laughing. And I think that your authenticity and your way of being able to tell your story is really, really beautiful. And what you were just saying about being reflective. I mean the whole book is kind of your journey of working yourself out. Isn't it? And you've been through some bloody tough times. You mentioned at the start about your mum going blind when you were at drama school and having to then, I mean, you worked incredibly hard to get to drama school. Didn't you, you were kind of against the odds. I love the story about how you'd be at your school. And during break time, we'd get the teachers to help you rehearse and things like that. I mean, you obviously had that work ethic at such a young age and then, you know, to, to realize your dream and then have it kind of taken away from you. Obviously it was your choice. You, you went back in and rightly say to help your mum who was going through a really tough time, but you know, no, there's no, um, doubt that must've been devastating and how sad you must've been. Like, even as you say, going into something like ex on the beach and thinking my life is over, I'm doing reality TV now.
Speaker 2:I mean, to write the book was I kind of feel like now it's like how I've written it. It was, I wanted to tell people my story, but as I was writing it, it was almost like, like he said, people were growing with me whilst I wrote it, like, because I was working myself out whilst writing the book. And then I just think a lot of people, we all have traumas and pains in our life, whether it, whether we, you know, no one can tell someone the level of someone's pain, it's only something that can be felt by herself. And I think what I would have loved to have been able to do when I was younger is to have someone to look up to that had been through some really awful stuff. And then can, can, I could read and kind of see how they've dealt with it because it would have, it gives you that hope. And I wanted the book to give people hope, because I know that when, especially with how I dealt with it was, I became very victim mode. Okay. I'm stuck in victim mode. And um, when you're there, it's a real difficult place to pull out of. And I think I tried and tried for so long. And when, when the depression hit, I mean, cause growing up with a lot of the things I did is very difficult to keep a level head and just carry on with more things going on on top of that. Um, it's very difficult to find your path in your way because you're, you're, you're in a state of panic or fear a lot of the times, especially the domestic violence stuff. And so when you're in that I couldn't learn, it was difficult for me to learn like math and English and science, because I couldn't even focus fully on, um, on my studies because I was always panicking and looking out for the next, the next terror was something that would frighten me. Um, when, when I was older, I found out I had post-traumatic stress disorder, which would greatly affect your studies. So I found dance in a way to like get rid of that. So that's where I found my passion and my piece. But again, that was taken away. So it was, yeah. I just wanted people to be able to know that there's always a way out and a way that you can improve in these hard times. You need to learn from them rather than be stuck with them. You don't need to be stuck with them. It helps us grow. And if anything, failure or disappointments, it's just a way to narrow down your path because your pocket be like this. But if you're not failing over, you're not getting closer to the goal and failures that happened to us because you're working out what doesn't work and then you get yourself.
Speaker 3:That is so true. And actually what was quite nice is even though you did go through really, really tough times, you knew quite early that your outlet was being creative and performing and cause a lot of people, I guess don't know that or don't find something that helps. And luckily you did. And, and I guess there's something about the physicality of it maybe helps as well in terms of it's not, you know, sat with a mask or something, you know, you're actually able to release a bit of stress as well in terms of performing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is why I exercise a lot still. Like I tried to get the gym everyday or like while we're locked down, I've been going for like 5k walks or runs. But to me that's so important for my mental space because if you look after your body, your mind automatically looked after as well. So I find that very important for me. And I think when I was younger, maybe from that stress and able to express myself through dance or through drama, I would say singing as well, but that was never my forte. I was always in trouble trying to hide in the back, but it's just an expression, you know? And, and you can get it out. I think we always suppress everything that harms us or makes us feel sad and we don't want to speak about it and we suppress it, but we don't realize you can't suppress these things. You have to feel it and let it come out because when you suppress it, it comes out as anxiety or depression and you're, you're hiding it. You're not being honest with yourself. And when you are, you can sit with yourself and understand yourself more and it does heal it. He was you
Speaker 3:Absolutely UFC going, you're now back in your passion of acting, but you went on celebratory brother, which is obviously one of the most iconic reality shows of all time, which, and very different, like you said to the lights of ex on the beach, um, cause people already know who you are before you go in as well. Like you, so you've, you've got that foundation, I guess in a way. Um, but like you said, you're living with people that are completely different to different walks of life, um, and quite impressive people as well. So it must be, you know, quite intimidating. I mean, you had, you formed close bonds with, um, someone like Maggie Oliver who was the detective Constable, um, and whistleblower for the Rochdale child, sex abuse ring, wasn't TN and the actress, Amanda Berry from Curry and things. And you talk in the book about how I can't remember which one it was. I think you said it was, Amanda had sort of said to you keep on with the acting, like, make sure you do it. You've got something. And, and that really sparks that passion for you. What I'm trying to get to is that perception from reality TV. So we did X on the beach. I know from your book that it's completely not who you are, but do you feel like you are then having to fight this perception that actually you haven't got much substance you're someone that's just fame hungry or that's all you're good for is a reality TV show
Speaker 2:100%. And it is, it will be an upward struggle for a while, but I want it so much. I don't care. I'll just keep going. And to be quite honest, when you're living back to who you are, you know who you are and you're like focused back where it should be and you've healed and you've done all of the crazy stuff. And you're like, yeah, I know where I'm going. If I always say, if you want other people to believe in you, you have to fully 100% believe in yourself because you can't sell something to someone that you don't really believe in because you're not going to get very far. If you wholeheartedly believe in yourself, people have to believe in you that it comes from what I do every day. Well, I think every day, my thought process of myself, of my beliefs, my reading, I will read acting books every day. I'm reading and learning all the time and you can evoke like my social media from, I look back, I'm like, cool. I posted that. And then now it's like, it's not even a thought. First of all, what's the best process to Jude is authentically. What I'm putting out is authentic to what I'm doing. Um, and people have to follow that journey with you. And if they don't, they unfollow you like since big brother, I lost about a hundred thousand followers on Instagram, but it didn't bother me. That's because I no longer align with what they want to see because I'm not a crazy reality star that wants to run around being nuts anymore. Downloadable wanting to prance around naked, everywhere that wasn't ever me. So it's, I'm happy to lose that because now I have an authentic base of people that understand what I'm doing. And I don't even need people to understand as long as I do. And um, and I keep living it every single day. And that's where my calling is. I'm not going to go wrong and I'm not going to give up. And even if I'm 90, I don't even get my next act to judge, but I'm 90 years old, I'm living it. I'm doing it. I'm going to auditions. I'm reading, acting, I'm learning monologues. I'm doing stuff that actors do. So if I'm doing that, eventually it will pay off. I do very much believe if you, if you have a mindset to do it, you'll do it. It comes down to even the book. I mean, I am, I've never been an author. I didn't get any, I think I got a C in English, literature and language. They're discordant dat. So I thought, Oh, that's what I do. But I knew I had a story and I knew I wanted to tell it. So I just took out my laptop every single day found as many different cafes in LA, in England, wherever I was. And I'd sit down for maybe three or four hours a day and I would write, and it came, it wasn't thinking or wanting to add words. It was just my, my actual inner most thoughts spitting out into the page and telling my story. And I think it's very hard to not succeed. If you believe wholeheartedly in what you're doing and who you are, and don't let the opinions of others pull you down because we, I mean, I've done it for most of my life. Is that what other sorts of me? That was what was important? And actually, no, it's not because if you are in yourself and you are, you will love what you do and who you are. They have to come along with it or they can go away. But why change to, to fit into other people's ideals of you when you're still, as you're not going around hurting anyone or being unkind, you have to be who you are and love who you are. And I know when we were little girls, I mean, when I was at school, youngers would be like, Oh, she loves herself a bit. And um, and then you'd be embarrassing, but I'll know I don't, I might be I'm this, what the hell? No, yes, we should turn around and say, yes, I do love myself. And your problem is what, like, you've got to love yourself because if you love itself, you can't quit. It's the most important thing.
Speaker 3:And I guess that is where the upside of social media can help. It can help people who don't feel like they're with their kind of tribe in certain places, whether at school or in jobs, and actually connect to people and, and feel that kind of positivity and strength and, and even people watching you and maybe thinking or read a book and think, wow, you know, she can do it. I can do it. You know? And where you say it's about the foundation and, and being your authentic self and living who you are meant to be. I mean, that's the thing with reality TV, I guess, is there is no real foundation. It's your overnight success, but there's, it goes so quickly because there's nothing to fall back on. Whereas like you say, even if you're acting job comes, you know, way down the line, again, another one or whatever, all that work you're pressing in to building that foundation, your knowledge, your experience, your awareness, the connections you will never lose.
Speaker 2:Exactly. And I think with the reality as well, if you're, if you're one show, they're always just trying to see what you're working towards the next show. It's just like, if someone likes your personality, they're just drunk. You own one. But even if you're lucky and go from show to show, there's not enough shows for you, except for the rest of your life. You could maybe do five or six. There's kind of no shows. So, and then you've got to start doing the whole play in the media, trying to get stories out so that then you can get a newspaper to keep me deal and stuff like that. And that's when you start to lose yourself. So it's never, ever going to be a sustainable, ongoing, lifelong career. It's a quick fix or quick bit of money and get me wrong. The love islands have made fortune because of social media. But if you're not sensible of that, that can go in the next day. Like you could even have everything one month and then zero the next. And I know that's the same as an acting, but you can work towards something every day by learning and practicing something. But with reality, what can you practice? You can't practice to date on TV or
Speaker 3:So, although you now feel very strong in yourself and, and your self worth and who you are, that when I was saying about the subsequent brother and Amanda saying to you, go back to acting, did you need, at that time, just that confirmation, like, yes, I'm ready.
Speaker 2:Big time. I, I, I got in there talking to him and I was like, I do like, you've been doing what I've always wanted to do. Been on the stage. You've been on TV series, you've got coronation street. You've got all these amazing shows. I've watched you since I was a little girl. I was like, this is just incredible to meet you. I said, that's all I've ever wanted to do, but I've ruined it now. And she was like, Nope. And she kind of gave me that. I kind of put myself into a box back then I'd been like, Oh, you're never going to go anywhere. So you might as well just get this work you can out of this and hope for the best, when you're older sort of thing. That was my mindset that you've really messed up the address. Like I didn't know what to do. And I think having someone like Amanda say that to me was that, well, this woman's been in the industry from day dot and she not at the time she was 82 and she's still working all the time. And just for someone to have that knowledge of the industry and be like, no, you can do whatever you want in this world. It was like that spark. And I was like, it was almost like the whole year, since I love to tell you clumsy and done all this modeling. And then this reality, it kind of just went. And then my new, I went back to 17 and had this spark in which I lost. I didn't remember ever since I was 17, when all that bad stuff happened with my nephew and I had to leave Italia Conti and with my mom, I was at that spot was so passionate in me. I can't express how from a little girl, if I wanted to do it, I would get it. And I'm not talking about getting the toy. I'm talking about getting in a play or getting into theater school. No one was going to stop me. I mean, I was phoning up the school myself saying, hi, I didn't get in. But if I went down a year and audition in six months, well, you let me in. And I mean, they must have got sick to death of me on the audition spaces available. Can I do this? I was 13. My mom had no idea what I was doing it. And I just traveled up to London and go and get on with these auditions. Nothing was going to stop me. And then I lost that this spot that I had, I mean, it was almost like I'd learn the law of attraction before I even knew what it was. I knew I was going to that school and I was told no, but I was like, watch it was going to happen. But that left me after. I mean, I grew up the domestic violence, went to theater school. Then during theater school, it was when my mum went blind and my nephew died. So it just pulled that spot. It was almost like my body gave up, my body had enough. I couldn't cope anymore. And it just shut down. And it wasn't until Amanda Berry said that I felt something. It was almost like someone lit this back up again. And I was like, and then I just remember thinking, why am I not doing that? Why on earth am I, I'm the only one stopping me. I'm physically here telling people I can't do it. So why would anyone want to employ me or give me a chance if I'm, if I don't have an ounce of belief in myself. So I started working on that and my mindset and belief in myself and, and going back to theater school, I go to adult acting classes and I just really pushed on with it and began to get that self-belief and self-worth back. And then it started happening
Speaker 3:Funny, because although in your book, you go through all these experiences. I feel like what comes through the whole time is that feeling of self-worth and drive. And I don't think you did lose it because even the fact you went on slab to be brother, which is, must've been absolutely terrifying because it's such a massive show. And to know you're going to be, you know, like you say, year with a woman, which is already a pressure on it, isn't it, you know, you're got to do it, you do it well for all the women out there. And, uh, and the kind of people you're alongside. And yeah, I mean, I think what comes through in your book is that work ethic the whole way through, but it's lovely to now hear that. Actually, you feel like you believe it now, you know, you believe that you're good enough. You believe you can do it. And you know, you don't have to keep looking back on and regret things. Cause actually, luckily you are someone that has been able to be very reflective and learn, and it, although it, perhaps wasn't the healthiest thing to do X on the beach. There must've been some really nice positives from it as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I think the things that I do pull out from that is I built a platform and on social media and I money through it, I managed to learn who I was from learning what I was not. I managed to use my social media to help other blind people. I became an ambassador for guide dogs for, cause my mum has guide dogs. I've, I've managed to build something that I, I hope, and especially how I use it now, rather than when I first came off the tele just a crazy young deal is that I'm, I'm hoping now that I can be a place where people can reach out or, or try and look all my social media, if they go into any issues and I can really raise awareness for these types of things. And, and I just feel like I've, I've got the positive kind of place for other people. And I think that does mean so much for me, because I think when you have gone through kind of a lot of trauma in your life, if you feel that you're helping someone else, it doesn't feel like you went through that for nothing.
Speaker 3:So what's next for you because, um, you ever see Dick, I want to do some really, really cool acting jobs after slab to pick brother that you talk about in your Burke and you went over to LA and, um, did different independent films. So what,
Speaker 2:So the film I did in LA was called Rhea and it was my first role. So I was really excited about that. I guess, indie films. It's not a big budget. We had a tiny budget, but we managed to pull something really cool together. But alongside Luke Goss from bras and Dean Cain, who was Superman and Kimberly White. Um, and we had Mark Holden who was recently in the West end with us in pretty woman. Obviously that's shut down at the moment. There's just such a great Leon. I condemned from Mr. Selfridge. We had a really cool cost and that was a pinch me moment because I was like, okay, so this is like my first big film. And I'm the lead role against with all these people. I hope they don't look at me as, Oh, a stupid, she's going to be the ruin of this and that self-doubt creatine. But then Luke Goss pulled me over one day and said, you're doing really well. You're really talented. Don't be so I've done. And again, it was that, come on, Jesse, you've got this fighting. As I carried on, you know, it was just so exciting and so surreal. And then I realized it's not severely anymore because this is your life you're doing. And this is what you've been manifesting. This is what you've been working towards and it is coming out and that should be out this year and I've seen the trailer. It looks pretty cool. Um, and then hopefully I did actually put a couple more acting jobs during lockdown, but the, all the productions got shut down. So I don't know what's coming next with those, but there they are in the background. Um, as soon as I think they can know proper studio again with that, to it, but the acting side of things have been a bit difficult throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, but it's also not somewhere. I sit and think, Oh, what shame it's given me a chance to start my second book, which I'm, I'm halfway through now. And that's what I've been doing in the meantime with that. So I wanted to do like a, a mindset book. And so this was my silver lining is about my life and how I changed things was the mindset that I wanted to. I had so many tools that I use daily that I, when I took on book costs, I sometimes got, I've got so much, I've jumbled it all up and it doesn't come out, write it down, make it very easy. So I want it to be like a mini mind manual type book. Um,
Speaker 3:Actually that idea, because like you say, you've got the experiences to actually show that you've had to put these tools in place and learn them. It's not just a sense of
Speaker 2:Actually worked for me. So the things that I know work every single day and even my mum sometimes comes to me with things, my color I'll try this. And then two days later she's thin much better. And I have a lot of friends now that come to me for things because they've seen the change in me. And I think it's just nice to know that I've done it. I feel like I put my mind in such a good place, very difficult to knock me down now. And I'm also in control of my emotions. And I figured out how to be in control of my emotions. And I want other people to know it because once you do, your life can go change around very, very fast.
Speaker 3:So when your mom came to you, what did you suggest her was? One of the things you did.
Speaker 2:Yeah. She was struggling a lot with overthinking and then getting herself quite angry and snapping at people and not calming down. I, I told her she needs to meditate because if you think of the water in the sea, when it's all splashing around, you can't see anything. It's not clear, it's all over the place. But when you, the is still, you can see to the bottom and then you can bring up what it is that you need to work on or get rid of. So she started meditating. I taught her how to meditate and she'd come out and be like, if she was getting herself into a stage, she would go and meditate. And I said, that's when you need to do it the most, you could always do it when you need it the most to settle your thoughts because you're then if, if you're in a calm state, you can talk through something and finish the outcome. Whereas a lot of us go in from a point of looking at what the emotion is making us do. Like, so I'm angry. I'm going to shout at you, but nothing gets fixed by that. You just make everything 10 times worse. So if you can look at a problem and say, well, why am I feeling like this? Here it is. Okay. So I can now talk about these topics in this calm manner. And we can fix them because shouting doesn't fix them as expressing anger. Doesn't fix them. But if you find the source of the anger, you can find the problem and you can talk it through and find out what it is. And people, when they're angry at someone, they will shout and it doesn't fix it. It just causes more problems. And the other person is going to be defensive. So it just escalates because someone's screaming Saturn at you. Your automatic response is to, to be angry. But if you can come to someone with a problem and say, this has made me feel uncomfortable, can we discuss it there? They're probably going to apologize because I didn't even realize I did it in the first place. So it was just the way you look at things and the way you deal with things and it completely changes and outcome. So mum's main thing was to meditate.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's so lovely. Also one of the first episodes I ever did actually, um, of this podcast was with a anxiety practitioner and life coach. And she's, she's someone that you had lived a wildlife sort of does, or an IB ether. And she just, you know, really fun, loving, and partying all the time. And she was younger and, and she also went through this whole transition of really working out who she was and the fact she wasn't very happy, but what she just, and I'm sure you agree as well. Cause you probably wished you had it. She is so strongly minded about how young people should be taught more about their emotions and about the inner dialogue that you're telling yourself, especially in a world with social media. And if you're constantly telling yourself you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough. You're not funny enough. And that's going around in your head all the time and you're not taking that time to step back and actually distance yourself from these thoughts. It's so destructive and no wonder anxiety levels in young people are so high.
Speaker 2:One thing we don't even realize which so many, it took me two or three years to work this out was, have you heard of the monkey mind? I've read the book on it. Yeah. I mean, when I realized it was one of the Pella Cuellos books, I was reading that kind of, I think it was the Valkyries or something. It was me about your, your monkey mind. And until I realized that was happening, you've got to become self-aware before you can even understand any of what's going on. So when I became self-aware, I'm like, hold on a minute, this voice, I can stop this isn't this is something separate. So let's separate my mind from that. And with meditation, I feel like you can do that. So you become here, you separate it with the meditation, and then you can look in at your own thoughts rather than your thoughts, just being in control of everything you're swinging from every moment of the day, swinging from thought to thought, which rolls and rolls. And what you think is what you get just as a child learns to walk, they're seeing and thinking about their mother or siblings walking, you learn to do it. So if you're seeing and thinking negative, you're going to get that back. I do believe schools should teach meditation and I do believe schools should teach, um, like about the monkey mind, even let, to teach. We don't need to be a slave to these thoughts because we are. And, and also, you know, even looking at the media where everything is sold to us to make it, Oh, this mega, this magazine you should get, because we can look skin that's beautiful and you'll be skinny and you'll be this. We eat out so much that we all believe we're super fat and we all believe we're not pretty enough. We must get lip injections or we must get our face sorted out because how can we possibly go through life, looking at anything other like that? You know? So I just, I do feel that young children should have had that in school. And I think that's more of a life lesson than a lot of subjects that are taught because we need that. We, if we taught people the tools of being happy, we'd have a much happier society.
Speaker 3:And did you feel that as you started to understand yourself, become more, self-aware your outward self changed? Did you change the way, you know, you did makeup or your hair or dress and things because you know, you were more in tune with who you were and
Speaker 2:Yeah. I used to spend hours and thousands of pounds get hair extensions and I've got natural curly hair back. So I'm not quite like it actually. So stunning,
Speaker 3:I've just been staring at it, thinking,
Speaker 2:I always thought I had to have straight extensions down to my hips. I used to have lip fillers. I had a bit of Botox once I ended up looking like the guy from saw the films, I just thought that's how I have to look. And then eventually I was like, why am I doing this? I'm not this isn't making me happy. It's got to come from inside. And I think the most beautiful people are the most beautiful inside because they, they acts like, you just know when you're around someone, your energy picks up on someone that's friendly and lovely and you automatically want and want to be around them. But you could be the most beautiful looking man or woman in the world. And no one would want to be around you because your insights could be nasty. And if your inside is bitter and you haven't understood yourself and I, I don't look at them and think, Oh God, they're all I feel you need healing. And when, when you're happy, you don't, when you're happy, you don't nitpick. You don't troll, you don't abuse people. If you're really happy with who you are, you can understand why other people don't have pain. You, if you see it from empathy, rather than from a place of, Oh, God, stay away from them.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Yeah. I was just listening to the fan cotton happy place episode with Wim Hoff, the Dutch breathing. Yeah. I li I did it this morning. Actually. I couldn't believe how long I could hold my breath for it was incredible. And just, yeah, like he said, don't be afraid of what your body's doing. It's so natural. It's working to, you know, the, the level to be working yet, but he basically says the same thing. Happy people don't start Wars, you know, happy people to start conflict. It is about just becoming so in tune with who you are and what authentic self you are and what makes you happy and what fulfills you.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And from the moment we're born, we're told not to do that, you know? So it, he wonder why we're in a society of huge anxieties and depression. I've lived through it. I understand it. I've done it. So I understand it all. But you know, Wim Hoff is great as well. And even the, um, the icebox and the cold showers I do nearly every day. And they're important because it kind of gets you in a meditation. The minute you wake up, because you can't sit in the shower, overthink, you know, thinking about the future and panicking about it or living a regret in the past, you have to be so present to control your body. And that control that you're learning just for your body. You learn to control your thoughts and it all it all, and it all adds up together.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And H what was so interesting, I did my first cold shower this morning, which was, yeah, quite interesting, but it was, uh, she did take my breath away. I was like, but, um, he said that was some interesting, is that when your body learns how to deal with that stress response, every kind of stress response is the same. We're feeding it in different ways. Like maybe it's a mental, maybe it's bacterial, maybe it's physical, but it's your body. It's yourselves doing the same thing. And if you can learn how to not be afraid and manage that stress response and being in control of it through, you know, doing a cold shower and things, it makes you so much more resilient to other pressures that come on and trigger those.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And you can, you, you, you, you find out once you're in control of them, not much consensus send you off balance or send you off course. And I think Wim Hoff is an incredible guy. He follows me on Twitter and I've never been so excited. I don't care if the queen of England follow me on Twitter, but Wim Hoff, I was like, go's reach
Speaker 3:It is cool. Isn't it? But what a story as well, he has. I mean, he's someone that's obviously been through such tough times as well. So, you know, if you, like you say, like, even with you, I recommend people get your book, especially young people, because it's honest and it's so reflective. And it does just keep going back to that core of just, what do I want, I believe in myself, I'm going to get it, get it. Even when you, you were, you kind of rocked and perhaps not feeling the strength that you, you certainly had it. And you know, that comes through. And then you're climbing mountains all the time around the world.
Speaker 2:I love doing those tasks. I just think it's number one, it's a great way to raise money for charities, but on a personal level, it's, it's, it's giving yourself a challenge and getting over something again, you know, like you're meeting people around the world that all kind of going through something and you can, you just become a bubble of friends. I met, I met a Texas, a man from Texas who was a criminal defense lawyer who was so severely overweight before. And then he started doing these climbs and tracks because he wanted to lose weight, but he was, had some amazing stories and I would never get to meet these people just as in big brother, I'd never met. And we did come before, you know, I'm meeting all these people and every person in this world you'd learn and grow from. And I got such a, when I did Kilimanjaro, I got such a pride in that, because I write about this in the book. I remember being at the bottom and I looked up and I was like, ha no chance. I getting up there, like, this is basically the moon. This is impossible. Then I looked like a tiny ant compared to this. And I thought, okay, well, we're just going to have to start it. And by when I hit the summit, I was sobbing is that every hardship just pulled out of me. And I thought to myself, well, this is a metaphor for life now. Isn't it like that looked like a mountain. You'd never get up. But every day you put one foot in front of the other and you made it. So do that in life. Just keep going. Whether you fail forward or you just keep going forward, you can't do anything to go back. So just keep going. And eventually you get there.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's so nice. It's so true. I mean, but January wrong mountain climb, must've been bloody tough.
Speaker 2:It was that I was hallucinating at one point thinking I was seeing a tent and I said to my Porter, who was helping me up the mountains, can we go and have a nap in the tent? And he was like, yeah, that's a Boulder. So we're going to just keep going. Am I going crazy? So I just want to shut up and keep walking before they lock me up.
Speaker 3:No, I bet that was just, yeah. Brutal. But yeah, well done. Well, and I'm thinking, have you got any more in the pipeline?
Speaker 2:She had the five peaks challenge. Um, and it was supposed to be in July last year, but obviously that got postponed, postponed, and I think we haven't got a set date for it, but as soon as it's safe to do so we're going, and you got to do the whole five peaks in England, Ireland, Scotland in 48 hours, I think is I signed up for that on aware of this information. I thought we'd have a nice 90 a nap and nice. No, you go from one another. And I got the itinerary like, Oh guys, I think you've got it wrong. Where do we sleep? And they're like, Oh, you don't, you can have a nap in the van. I was like, Oh, I'm not going to, I know asleep, but we'll try.
Speaker 3:No, I have no doubt that you would do that. I definitely wouldn't be able to do that. I did do the three peaks, but then it was absolutely brutal and my hair has still telling me off for it. But, um, yeah, I love the stories. Tell about why you went to bed Nevis, and then just go out your new boots at the bottom of the mountain. And the guy was like, uh, meant when he said it's one in the shop. They had this like fake, um, this fake mountain, but just to tie them up, I walked up that two or three times and the mountain climber Martin, he's one of the funniest guys I've ever met. He just put his hands in his head. He's like, this is not going to go. Well, I think we're fine. I was fine. So just quickly, where can people get your book? It's everywhere now? I couldn't believe it actually. So it's my publishing house. Hashtag press. You can get signed copies on that, their website, which is hashtag press.co.uk. Amazon is in debate Smith's, Waterstones foils and all the big bookstores, really. And some local ones, which is really nice. My local one and Hazel may have bought some copies. So it's just super exciting and completely blown my mind. But like I said, when you believe something and you see it happening, it will happen. You've got to truly believe that it's going into all the shops. That's incredible. So good. Yeah. I mean, to be water stains, I mean, that's bloody amazing. It looked on such an online and it was like water stone and stuff. And I was like my best friend, Alex, guess what? My bucks manifested this incredible. Well, I hate people. Yeah. I do recommend people get it because I really enjoyed it. And it was such a quick read. I mean, I was gripped, I read it literally within like 24 hours. So, um, yeah, it's really good. And I learned a lot from it. I mean, it's a different well to where I come from, you know, um, reality TV and acting and things. But I, I feel like there are a lot of life lessons in there, especially the kind of family and normal life issues that you've had to deal with and, and get through. And, um, yeah, I'd even say, you know, for young people, I'll say to my friend, who's a teacher recommend this book before people want to be a reality star and then they'll learn as to what it's really like. But thank you so much for joining
Speaker 1:Pleasure to have the, as the first guest of series two.
Speaker 3:Hi.
Speaker 1:So that was just, MPFC. I'd love to know if there are young people listening who have changed their mind about pursuing reality TV, or maybe if that is you, this hasn't deterred you a tool and actually you're aware of the risks, but the rewards may outweigh it in some cases either way. It was so great to hear Jess articulate the truth behind the camera and the perception. And it's so great to see her now, except herself love herself, moved back into what she's passionate about and just be so happy and strong. So I would love to know what you think about the chat, please get in touch. Now, next week's episode, I've spoken to an art consultant, the fabulous Louisa Warfield on what it's like things specialist and helping source art for different people in businesses and help understand and enjoy art in their homes and workplaces, as well as her work and championing new artists. You know, it's a huge, um, well the art world and it's scary and it's quite intimidating. And some gallerists, some galleries are petrifying places to walk into. And, uh, I try and just demystify that. So I try and I, I'm the one that goes into the galleries. I'm the one that, um, has the knowledge and I just come to you and say, well, why don't we try this on for size? And why don't we have a look at this? And have you thought about trying it in this color? And that's really what I do. So that was Louisa do tune in and see you next week.