Alcohol

What if your older kid confides in you that they tried a sip of alcohol at a party? Inside you may feel disappointed, angry, or even wondering where you went wrong with your parenting. Instead, is there a way we could handle this conversation without shame for us or our kids? We have some talking points we think can help. 

Transcript

Mandy Majors: 0:02

Welcome to the next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim Elerick: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

Mandy Majors: 0:14

So we've gotten this question a couple of times, and so it's time to tackle it on the podcast.

Kim Elerick: 0:21

Parent question alert.

Mandy Majors: 0:23

Alcohol. So the question and I've gotten it in various forms, but it basically goes like this this is the question to me We've done a good job of creating open communication. We are a next Talk family and my kids are getting older. And I'm talking, you know, they're driving, they're spending a significant time away.

Mandy Majors: 0:41

I've had this question from a 16 year old, a 17 year old, a 19 year old, so it, you know it varies, but the older kid and they're telling me that they went to this party and they had this sip of alcohol or they did this, and they're telling me they didn't get drunk but they're curious and they did this and they want to be open with me about it. Because we have open communication and I'll get these, you know, frantic emails like oh my gosh, I've screwed up as a parent, like why isn't my kid just saying no to everything? Are they feeling peer pressure? You know all those things are running through our mind and so I really wanted to tackle that question here because this is a big deal. This is one of the hardest things about building open communication in your family is that you know like your kids will tell you and if you kind of don't want to know, but you do want to know because you know you should know, but you don't want to know.

Kim Elerick: 1:32

I think it's you want to know but you don't want to hear it. You know, like it and it's not just your kids that you're hearing this about your kid and then you're hearing it about all the other kids. You know that they know all the information on, and it is a lot to process.

Mandy Majors: 1:46

Well, and I think what happens to our kids are real smart, you know, and so they test us out and they'll first tell us my friend is drinking alcohol or my friend is having sex, and they will see how we react to that. Right, and I've always told parents one you need to default to love, like don't shame that friend, don't, don't be mean, but also educate your, your kid about, like why that's not healthy at that age, you know. But then when that kid comes over, love that kid. You know your kid needs to see you loving that kid, no matter what, even though you know this behind the scenes information about that friend. If you do that, well, what that tells your kid is okay.

Mandy Majors: 2:29

I can fight in mom if I'm doing these things, and that's hard because I'm just going to be honest as a Christian parent. Like we just want to say our, our kids would never, they would never do that and we just do a show on that. My kids would never right. The reality is, I mean, most kids don't go off the deep end. You know, if you've, if you've created this style of open communication, but these kids are still curious, their brains are still developing, they're still wondering like everybody's doing that at that party. Can I just take a sip? Like what is this? And so where do these conversations go Like? What do we do when our kid confides in us and says I did take a sip at a party or I do want to try alcohol the next time my friends have it, and then you go into oh my gosh, you can never hang out with these friends again. Then they're never going to tell you anything again. So it's like oh, what do we do with this information?

Kim Elerick: 3:23

Well, I think the first thing that you and I would agree on, mandy, is the fact that they tell you is the most important thing, because that's where you get to have the conversations. If they don't tell you, you never get an opportunity to speak into all the different layers of this conversation and also create that safe place for them that's ongoing Because, again, they are testing you and the more you have this opportunity to create a safe space and walk through these difficult things with them, the more they're going to bring you and so thanking them, even though maybe you're a little bit hurt or frustrated that they didn't come right away, ultimately they did and that is so good, and you want them to keep doing that and keep confiding in you.

Mandy Majors: 4:06

Well, it doesn't feel like a win, but it's a win. If your kid confides in you. Even if it's something you don't want to hear, that's a win. So I want us to wrap our heads around that, because sometimes the confession to us feels like, oh my gosh, I screwed up as a parent and I think that's Satan. I mean, yeah, kids are going to mess up.

Mandy Majors: 4:26

I mean, we've all been a kid before. We know we're just not thinking about things. We're just doing what feels good, what everybody else is doing, jumping on the bandwagon. I mean that's what kids' brain and that impulsive decision making is. And so what we have to do then is say thank you so much for telling me, but then educate as to OK, let's talk about why this may not be a good decision. And I say that because you have to switch in your mind to education and not lecture.

Mandy Majors: 4:55

If you're lecturing and you're saying, ok, you can't ever hang out with those friends again, I can't believe you did this like you're ultra-shaming. How could you? We moved to a space where they will not confide in us anymore and we have lost the voice in our kid's life, especially on that specific issue. You know we're talking about alcohol today, but it could be any issue. It could be any issue. So I think what we need to do is you know, thank you so much for telling me accept that as a win and not shame, and then accept the reality.

Mandy Majors: 5:26

When your kid is driving, when they're at that age, they're spending more time away from you. They can sneak and do things and not tell you much more easily than when they weren't driving. That is a reality and so my goal in my home I've always said to my kids listen, even if you make a bad decision, like I want to know, I'm going to love you the same. We're going to walk through it together. I may not be ecstatic about it, I may not agree with it, but I need you to know. If you lie to me and then I find out and you've hidden it from me, that's a much, much bigger issue than whatever mistake you could have made, because then we have a very fractured relationship and like where do you even go from there? You can't trust them on anything.

Kim Elerick: 6:09

We actually did a show. My kid lied to me how should I respond? And I think that would be very helpful to listen to before something happens. You know, go take a listen after the show because it gives him really good talking points on ways to mend the relationship. You know what that looks like with talking to your kid, because it is a huge deal and it is very likely going to happen. It may be over something very small or something big, but being prepared for that so that you don't freak out and lose your mind on your kid, would be very helpful.

Mandy Majors: 6:39

Yeah, that's a disclaimer. We want to. We want to say, but but on this show we really want to focus on, your kid is confided in you, but you don't like what they've told you and you know we're sinning this around. Alcohol. Like what is this? Look like it could be any topic that they've confided in you about. So when I talk about switching from lecture to education, I want to give you some practical examples of what that means.

Mandy Majors: 7:02

So the one thing is safety, honesty and some and some non negotiables. Quite frankly, you could say, okay, first of all, it's illegal to drink alcohol, so I need you to understand that there's consequences involved there. If that party gets rated like that could affect your life, like you could get in big, serious trouble. You could face charges. They need to understand that. But these non negotiables need to be okay. You're telling me you took a sip. I'm not happy about this. I'm very glad you told me, I'm very happy we have that kind of relationship, but I need you to understand there's some non negotiables around this.

Mandy Majors: 7:40

You never drink alcohol and drive. You never get in a car with somebody who has been drinking, because lives are at stake. Also, you gotta be talking about consent. People are impaired at parties when they're drinking and so there's no kissing, there's no hooking up, because lines are blurred and they may misinterpret something, and so consent is a huge conversation to with a cell alcohol thing.

Mandy Majors: 8:07

But you're switching from Lecturing to let me talk about this now. I my voice is kind of rising as I'm talking about this. When you're talking about it with your kid, don't get as loud as I'm being on the show Riled up, I'm getting fired up. You need to be calm and ideally you need to be. You know, having a meal together, driving in the car together and I say that because if you're doing something, you're less likely to get riled up. You know, because you're focusing on something else as well, and so this is important. But but you do need to say it is okay to say to your kid I don't love that you're doing this. Thank you for telling me. I do really appreciate that, but you know we need to be talking about why I'm struggling with this and then move into the educational aspect.

Kim Elerick: 8:57

You mentioned that in a lot of cases kids are saying they had one drink, and one of the consequences I don't think a lot of kids know about that it's important to share with them is alcohol poisoning, where you don't know your limit yet, and so you may have one drink and you already feel really tipsy, and just a few more and you could be in a place where you don't know what's going on and someone's still giving you drinks, and so there have been many times where kids have died from alcohol poisoning on their first or second time having drinks. So I think it's important that they know about that consequence as well.

Mandy Majors: 9:33

So so this goes into the education park him, because what we need to be doing is and I think a lot of Christian parents don't do this, because I think if we have this conversation, then they think we're condoning alcohol Okay in, I don't think you're condoning it by educating your kid, but you need to talk to your kid about how different types of alcohol has different effects on the body. So I remember in college you know, just drink the red fruit punch that doesn't even taste like alcohol and you you're, you're drinking and sipping, drinking and sipping and before you know it you can't walk Right. You need to tell your kids that they need to have their guard up. Is it really just you're taking one sip or are you in a social environment where you don't really know how much you're drinking and it gets carried away to where you have reached a point that it could be dangerous, like, like you said, it could be alcohol poisoning, could be anything. They need to know that. They need to know if you haven't eaten before you drink, it's going to affect you more. You know beer is going to be different than vodka, so the alcohol content I say this because we have to switch to this education mode?

Mandy Majors: 10:39

And I think we don't, because we think if we talk about this with our kids, they're going to think we're okay.

Mandy Majors: 10:45

And what I'm saying to you is you can still say I don't love this choice that you're making, but you are becoming an adult and you can do it if you want to do it.

Mandy Majors: 10:56

So what I'm going to do is educate you, because I do want you to be safe. If this is going to be your choice, again, it's not the choice that I think you should be making at 18 or 19, because it's not legal and you know, biblically we're supposed to submit to the laws of our country, like we are supposed to submit to our laws and also talking to them about, like what the Bible says about about alcohol. So like drinking alcohol, having wine, that's not a sin, drunkenness a sin. There's a line there and it's different for everyone, and you have to know your limit and as a young kid you don't know that yet, you don't have enough experience with it, and so these are the kinds of conversations that we educate about, and again, I'm getting a real little round up, but your tone should be calm and just informational as you're talking your kid through this great point.

Kim Elerick: 11:48

Another thing that's really important to talk about with your kid is the fact that alcohol is addictive, and that may seem very obvious to them.

Kim Elerick: 11:56

They're like well, I know it's addictive, I know about alcoholism and all that, but the thing is it can also be a gateway drug to other drugs.

Kim Elerick: 12:03

And with alcohol it can be addictive in a very slow, steady, surprising way that kids bodies start to become dependent on it and they don't realize it.

Kim Elerick: 12:16

Now I actually just learned something from a counselor that I thought was so interesting that I had no idea. But it does make sense with something like alcohol depressant, when your body starts to receive it regularly, your ability to normalize your emotions when you're dealing with everyday things like maybe you got a bad grade on your paper or your friend said something dumb, and normally you'd be able to say, well, okay, you know, I'll bounce back on the next one, or they didn't mean it that way. When alcohol is present in your body on a regular basis, your body's ability to readjust and deal with everyday concerns easily stops functioning right and it becomes very hard for you to deal with regular problems and regular emotional concerns. I had never heard that before and I thought what a great fact to share with your kids, because it's already hard to deal with your emotions and then to add that other layer on there to make it even more of a struggle Awful, awful, and so another educational fact to share with your kids.

Mandy Majors: 13:15

This is another practical conversation that's so important. Why do you think you're drinking? Why do you want to drink? Is it curiosity? I want to taste this one time and see what it tastes like. Okay, I can get on board with that.

Mandy Majors: 13:31

But sometimes what we do is we want to go to parties and forget the world exists, because somebody's bullying us or somebody's making fun of us or life is too hard or our parents are getting divorced, look, whatever it is, we want to forget that it happened, right. And then we use alcohol as an escape, as a numbing mechanism, and this is so dangerous because then, when alcohol doesn't work anymore, we may move to marijuana. And then, when marijuana doesn't work anymore, then we moved to something else or we could move to self harm with cutting. So always, always, it's saying to your kid like again, not shaming, of course you're curious. I understand that I was a kid, I was curious. But at the heart of it, like, why do you think you want to drink at this party? Or why do you think that you did drink at that party?

Mandy Majors: 14:21

And having that conversation to kind of get to the root of what's going on, it may just be an actual curiosity thing where you can be like okay, at least they're telling me and at least I know they're not getting drunk, and so at least we've got those parameters in place. You know, those are the kinds of conversations we want to press into, and we miss it when we're just screaming at them because they took a drink at a party. And that's what I'm trying to get here. I know I'm gonna get backlash, kim, because I know some people are gonna be like oh my gosh, mandy's gone off the rails. She's saying it's okay for kids to drink. That's not what I'm saying. I am saying they get to a point where they're gonna make decisions, whether you like it or not, and for me and my house, I wanna be able to speak into it, whether I like it or not, and so I'm trying to find out how to do that in a way that is effective and doesn't shut down the relationship.

Kim Elerick: 15:17

Well, and when you have younger kids, like I do, I think this is a more difficult concept to grasp, because when you said earlier about the example of maybe your kids just curious, I can get on board with that. In my mind, that sounds like saying, okay, you can drink at parties and I'm okay with that, and that's not what you're saying. What you're trying to do is preserve the relationship. So if they make this bad decision, you get to walk them through it and educate them. You get to say I love you the same. I need you to pick up the phone, I will come get you.

Kim Elerick: 15:49

No questions asked. You never drink and drive. Those are the things that you miss when you just go into screaming lecture mode, which is such a hard balance, cause as a parent of younger kids, you never imagine your kid, who is currently seven years old, coming home and saying I drank at a party and you saying, okay, tell me more about that. Like it's hard to wrap your brain around that, but it's true. As they get older and I have one that's now getting older I can see how much it shuts down the relationship when I don't first process with them what they have done and help them versus lecture them.

Mandy Majors: 16:26

There are sure times that I'm like, oh my gosh, what in the world? Like why are you telling me this? Like I never want to know this, but at the same time it's so awesome and it is a win. They feel safe with you. Open communication has worked.

Mandy Majors: 16:45

But the tough side of open communication is you're not pushing everything under the rug anymore. You've decided to do the hard work and face things head on, like for a lot of us, like we're changing generational family legacies here by creating open communication on our family and doing it this way, and so it does look different, and we're constantly learning about this balance of making sure they know we're not condoning it, but also loving them unconditionally and educating them on why we're concerned about this choice they've made. Okay, so here's a couple little phrases that you could say to your kids. One is this I don't agree with this choice, but I do respect that you're telling me. Thank you so much.

Mandy Majors: 17:31

Another real, practical thing that you could say to your kid you know you're 19, you get choices. You have to decide things for your life, no matter what. I do want you to be honest with me, but I want you to consider all that you're risking by making this choice. So let's talk about that. So those are just some like practical lead-in ways that you can talk to your kid without endorsing it or cheerleading it or saying yeah, go get drunk.

Mandy Majors: 18:00

Yeah, go experiment Like we don't want to do that. That's not what we want to do. That's not what anyone is saying.

Kim Elerick: 18:06

I feel like my mom did a really good job of parenting alcohol when I was new in college and she said something that's gonna sound really bad and come across the wrong way, but if we apply it to this situation, I think it's something that you can keep in the back of your mind if you face a similar struggle. She said I'm gonna be a hold your hair kind of mom and I was like aww, and what it meant in reality was I made some bad choices, but I called my mom, she picked me up and she held my hair while I threw up and then she had all these conversations with me and she would pray over me and pray over me and pray over my decision-making and it made all the difference. And so always in the back of my head I have that when I'm thinking about these situations with my kids. I don't want to be at the party saying drink, drink, drink, drink and then hold your hair, but I will be the one at home sitting with you and working through all of these difficult choices you're making.

Mandy Majors: 19:11

Yeah, I think there's just such a huge difference there and I love how you're saying your mom did that. It's not like, yay, let's go party together, like your best friend's kind of thing, trying to be the buddy, but you're there supporting, loving, no matter what, but then praying and educating and saying are you sure this is the right path for you? Like, we need to be talking about this. This is not a good situation, that's why are you doing this? Yes, that was kind of the thing I think that is so, so helpful and it's exactly what we're talking about here. It's exactly Just another couple of practical tips If your kids are going to parties and they're saying to you I had a drink here, I had a drink there. Just a practical behind the scene parenting tips no sleepovers, because then your kid lets their guard down. We don't have to go home, I can just get Lucy Goosey with this, I'm here, all so just, we're not gonna spend the night, no, we've got this tomorrow kind of thing situation. So that kind of helps control your kid letting their guard down. Another thing I know a lot of times when your kids are confiding in you about I drink at this party or I'm hanging out at this house and they've vaped or whatever. I mean it could be anything. It could be anything that they're confiding in you. About One thing I get asked a lot do I ban that friend group?

Mandy Majors: 20:28

Do I just tell them they can't hang out with that friend group anymore? Well, this is challenging because if you do again, they're going to get with another friend group and then they're going to start doing something bad and they're not going to tell you because they don't want to be banned from the friend group. So I know that feels right to just come in hand swinging and you know, when they're nine it's a little different. But I'm talking older kids, older kids here. One of the things that I used to say to my kids in high school is, and still do, is are there any of your friends who you look up to? Are there any friends in your group that you're just like wow, they're going to change the world one day, like this, this person is on fire for change in Jesus and doing awesome things, and this is incredible Like they're a role model. Typically, the answer is going to be no, because all kids are struggling. Y'all, all kids are struggling, no matter how good of a Christian family they were raised in. All kids are struggling, and so typically that answer is going to be no, and so what you can say then is just be like well, just, you got to make sure you're not influenced by these people who are your friends and they're great people but they may not be the best role model, they may not be the best influencer.

Mandy Majors: 21:42

And we've got several shows like influenced, the bandwagon show, that are just great conversation starters about that friend group circle and, and you know, you may have a partying friend group where you're trying to move your kid away from that. You may be wanting to reintroduce new friends. Maybe try a new youth group, maybe pick up a different sport. You know there are things that you can kind of not make it about the alcohol, but like, oh, let's expand your friend circle and it doesn't have to be, we're leaving these other friends behind and we're getting new friends. It can just be let's just have, expand, expand, have a new circle of friends, like it doesn't have to always be these three that you're hanging out with. You know it's better to have different opinions, and so those are just some practical things, like the friend group and sleepover, like that kind of stuff comes up when we're talking about partying and alcohol and that kind of thing. So those are just some practical behind the scenes things that I've found is helpful.

Mandy Majors: 22:39

I do want to reiterate, and we said this earlier in the show there has to be some non-negotiables around alcohol. You know this isn't Lucy Goosey just educating and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There are some very hardcore consequences around alcohol that you need to be talking about, and so it's drinking and driving. It's lives at stake, it's consent. You know those are the real big deal breakers. Getting drunk, like knowing your threshold, knowing the line we talk about that a lot with everything, whether it's, you know, scrolling social media or whatever like you have to know the line where it's negatively impacting you. All of those conversations are really good and you have to stay focused on the educational piece around this.

Kim Elerick: 23:19

Another conversation that you need to have with yourself and your spouse, and then with your kids, is recognizing where you come from when it comes to the conversation about alcohol and realizing that alcohol is not for everyone. Like in my family, we have our long line of alcoholics and I was curious about it. I used alcohol to numb some in college and then I revisited it again in a stressful season of life which I shared on our show. I'm numbing myself with Talking with your kids about that. It may be a conversation or a thought they've never had, but it's very important to plant that seed, especially if it runs in your family.

Mandy Majors: 24:00

I think this is just a critical, educational conversation here, because your kid is going to go over to people's houses and see alcohol and people drinking and it's not a problem. And for our household, Kim, I'm very much like you. You know addiction runs in our family and I had a horrible situation with alcohol in college, horrible bad decisions, and it's probably been. I mean, I don't keep track, but it's probably been 15 years since I've had a drink of alcohol. So we don't keep it in our home. It's just not good for me. I know it's not good for me. Not everybody struggles with that, it is for me and I have to be careful with it. And so I share that because it's a trigger for me. It's a trigger because of my history and because of my decisions when I drink, when I have drank in the past, and so I'm telling you this because, as a parent, when your kid comes home and there's a trigger, that crazy mom mode goes psychotic like you. Just you know you're just bouncing of emotion and you got to reign that in. And alcohol may not be it for you. It may be something else. It may be sexual activity or, you know, pornography watching. Whatever it is that your kid may be confiding in you, that it is just a huge, huge trigger for you, and you need to know that One of the things that we were very intentional about in our home is just because we don't have alcohol, and just because I don't drink, that doesn't mean we don't talk about it, and I think you need to be very, very clear with your kids.

Mandy Majors: 25:40

A lot of times we're like that's, I can't do it in my family. We're not. That's it. That's it. No, you have to press through to the awkward. You have to press through to realizing Satan wants you to feel like your kids are gonna think you're giving them permission by these conversations. But if you do it correctly, with this balance and this tone that we're talking about as I don't like this choice, but thank you for telling me this is what we're gonna talk about If you do it in that way, it again becomes educational, it becomes a dialogue, and that is what we're striving for here. That is what we're striving for with alcohol and any other topic.

Kim Elerick: 26:20

I do wanna say, though, with alcohol, it's one of the few things that we talk about. Like we talk about drugs, we talk about vaping, we talk about pornography. We talk about all of these things. Alcohol is one of the few things that, culturally, is acceptable. It is a social norm. Like you said, you'll see it in people's houses. I mean, it's all over the place, and so I think this is one of the most important conversations, because it's not a banned thing or something that collectively, people think is negative. So make sure to have this conversation often and ongoing, because your kid's gonna change what you share with them when they're a teen. A young teen is gonna be different when they're getting to transition out of your house or if they come home and they share that they've tried alcohol. So it needs to be an ongoing, reoccurring conversation.

Mandy Majors: 27:09

Absolutely. We're trying to find that balance where they're understanding alcohol, they're getting educated about it and if they do get curious and they do make a choice, that they're gonna be honest with us. The last thing you want your kid doing is getting in a car driving under the influence because they are scared to tell you or someone else Like we cannot have that world. We cannot. Too many people die from drunk drivers every day. I mean I can't even imagine. So educate, educate, educate your children about alcohol. This podcast is ad free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit.

Kim Elerick: 27:50

Make a donation today at nextTalk. org.

Mandy Majors: 27:54

This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.