It feels like I'm losing my kid. Why is my kid pulling away?

If you're grappling with the fine line between privacy and supervision as your kids are growing up, especially in the digital realm, you are not alone! It can be difficult for many parents as kids start to mature and become more independent. Why aren't they talking to you much anymore? Is something wrong? 

Transcript

Mandy Majors: 0:02

Welcome to the nextTalk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim Elerick: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

Mandy Majors: 0:13

Okay, kim, I've had a couple moms recently reach out and ask me kind of the same question and my response has always been like okay, you're smothering your kid, you're smothering your kid. But the question is kind of like you know, and these are parents that have been practicing our Next Talk principles forever, so they've grown up with their kid, they've implemented the reporting red flags that we want to go off in kids' brains their kids were young and reporting things to them, creating good conversation at home. Kid got a phone. It went real smoothly because we had all those principles in place. We had all those principles in place, right. So kid got a phone and there's bumps, but for the most part it went smoothly because we had some standard operating norms in the home already, which was our goal, right.

Mandy Majors: 1:10

But then what happens is you know they become like 15, 16 and they're like I'm ready for some independence and mom is not. Mom is 100% not. Mom has been Next Talking it, or dad. You know I'm talking to mom, so that's why I'm saying it and I'm particularly seeing it with moms and sons, like that's where the questions are coming from. And you know they hit 15 or 16 and son is like why are you still checking my phone every week? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that?

Mandy Majors: 1:48

Like, this feels weird and mom is like, well, that's what we always do, that's what we always, that's what we do. And so they're reaching out to me saying what is happening, as he trying to be sneaky. Well, you know, I mean, I don't know, the kid may be trying to be sneaky, but I think most of the time, generally speaking, your kids just growing up and they want you to like, not smother them to death, not helicopter them to death, and I think that's a really hard space for a mama's heart. I think it's a. It's a. It's a tough situation.

Kim Elerick: 2:23

Well, and I think you nailed it on the fact that that mother son connection is a little different too, because we're girls, we know what it's like to be a girl, and so if you've got a boy who's growing up and he's dating or he's, you know, reaching these milestones in his life, we're used to being the one that's there to walk him through it and to walk hand in hand and that main woman in his life. And so it's a new season in a lot of different ways with dating, with interests outside of spending time with family or whatever it is. They are changing a lot and a lot of that happens on their phone, and so they want to be disconnected from you. They want more time to look at it, they want to be with their friends and go places more often, and, yeah, mamas are like, um, but what about me? And we can't do that, we got to let them go. It's natural, healthy and good that they're growing up and branching out.

Mandy Majors: 3:26

So when this was happening in my home with my oldest, of course she was a girl, you know, and now I have a 16 year old boy. But when it first started happening with my daughter years ago, I saw that she was not wanting to tell me everything and that she was getting more independent. She was learning to discern the big things to tell me and the little things that she didn't need to tell me. Right, I mean because, yeah, when they're little they're just processing everything with you. But as they get older, the goal is they discern for themselves. But if there's something that like is keeping them up at night, that is, you know, a big new thing that's happening in their friend group. That wasn't before. I mean, that's a, that's a tell me kind of situation, kind of thing, right. But they're discerning, like how much do I have to tell mom and dad now? And that is very normal. That doesn't mean you don't have open communication. That means your kid is growing up. But when I was going through this, I had a woman on our team and she's got a few years older than I and she she looked at me. I remember one day I was having this moment where I was like she's pulling away. She's not telling me as much. I'm losing my kid. Oh my gosh. You know your mom is just spiraling Like none of this really worked and she looked at me and she goes. I need you to trust what you've taught. I need you to trust what you've taught. You've created a foundation of open communication in your home. What your kid is trying to do is now balance that with her being her own person. What do I tell mom? There may be some missteps along the way. I mean, you guys are both navigating this. It's a new space, but it's completely normal. It's completely normal. I'm going to be honest with you.

Mandy Majors: 5:07

When she first told me that, I thought to myself as a young mom. I'm going to be really vulnerable and honest here. I love this woman and I trust her, but I thought she doesn't have the kind of relationship with her kid that I have. We are closer. We talk about all the things. Because I didn't want to let go. That's the thing. I was defensive because I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to let my kid grow up gradually, which is really important. Looking back now, that mom was full of wisdom. Now it's advice that I give to people, because you do have to trust what you've taught.

Mandy Majors: 5:47

Now I'm not saying, though, no more boundaries and no more expectations. That is absolutely not what I'm saying. So I'm not saying okay, now you're saying to your 15-year-old you want more privacy, you're phoning your bed all night. No, no, they're not ready for that. But I mean, when they're 15 or 16, it shouldn't be like you get an hour a day on screens. That's kind of weird. That's kind of weird. At that point I mean, yeah, you may do that when they're 12 or 13, because they're navigating it, but you have to evolve with your kid at 15 or 16.

Mandy Majors: 6:21

I'm looking at what are they spending time with on their phone? So, is it group text with their friends? Is it them playing a video game with friends or by themselves? That's a big difference. One is a social thing, one is like an isolation thing. So you're monitoring these sorts of things, isolation. You need to get a hold of that. If it's a social thing, again, it's like us going to the mall, except they're coming home at night and all getting on class of plans or Madden or Fortnite or something, and they're having a social event where they meet up online and play a game together right.

Kim Elerick: 7:01

Yeah, I will tell you me and he's something that don't on me the other day that I had not really thought about before. When your kids are little, you are mostly their source for a lot of things. You take up a lot of their emotional and physical energy because they're young. That's just how the relationship is. That's their developmental stage.

Kim Elerick: 7:20

And the other day I was talking to someone about capacity and it was like a light bulb moment, like as our kids are getting older, they have a certain amount of capacity also and we want them to learn how to pour into other relationships and friendships and their interests, and so their capacity for your relationship should be shrinking a little bit, because there they gotta live their life, they gotta do all these other things, and if you are still like ninety percent of their time, that's out of balance for their age. We've got to let them spread their wings, experience new things, learn about things, go new places, have different relationships, and that means Our time with them is gonna be more limited, and that's good, that's how it's supposed to be. It's just hard because it's a new thing and it's just take some time To process, and that's why it's good to have a heads up mom, like Mandy, is so much older than me, so she's my heads up mom okay, stop.

Kim Elerick: 8:19

I am what every time?

Mandy Majors: 8:21

a year older. Yes, you're kids later you are traveling the world with your radio. Yes, I was. I was having kids. I was having sex and kids.

Kim Elerick: 8:34

It's true you're only here older, but you very wise, and I will call her. Like this is happening or this isn't happening, and it's just great to be able to have that mentor or wise person who's walked through it To say, hey, this is normal or here's some ideas. So I always encourage people and you know Mandy does too. If you know someone that can be that for you, invest in it.

Mandy Majors: 8:59

Yeah, because when, when they do start growing up and you know, not talking to you as often, you know you're not laying in bed for hours on hours when they were in fourth grade, anymore, when they're sixteen I mean I was telling you today I sometimes just am so excited to get fifteen minutes of good talk time every couple days with my teenager, right, like that excites me. I think as they get older, you have to be super flexible, like when they're ready to talk. You have to be ready to talk. When they were little, you could kind of dictate or Kind of you had a little bit more control of their schedule and time and you don't anymore.

Mandy Majors: 9:34

And I love how you said you know their capacity is limited because they're pointing to other relationships, to whether that be friendships, people in their sports teams, relationships like dating relationships, whatever that is. Is that is a good thing? You want your kids To grow in those. Now they do need to know, they do need to be able to discern. You know when they're in over their head, when they need help and advice, when to get mom and dad involved. You know when something new is popping up that it's like, well, there's never been on my radar before. Mom. What is this? You know those are some core, key things. But you know at sixteen that if they're telling you every cuss word, well first of all they're not telling you every cuss word or every inappropriate conversation they're part of like it's too much. It's too much great, your expectations are too much on them and they're. The kid is going to feel smothered and then that is going to shut down all communication, because then it's like every little thing I take to her becomes this big hoopla thing and it's so exhausting to me I don't have the capacity for that. So then it's just that's where we see the breakdown of communication that we don't want to see with our older kids. So I'm telling cam all the time you gotta be chill. You cannot be cringe, you cannot be overreaction. You cannot ask a lot of questions, even though you may have them right at first. You may need to step back and process what was just brought to you from your teenager and then you know, maybe in two days you'll have another fifteen minutes where you could dive into that just a little bit more.

Mandy Majors: 11:02

I was thinking about what you said and you know this popped up in my mind. What do you think about that or something like that, and I'm always asking like what do you think about it, instead of making blatant statements? You know cuz Cuz. Then it's like am I thinking about this wrong? Tell me, maybe I'm overreacting, what do you think? That way it's getting their input instead of just Lecturing right. Also, I think that's really important for teenagers.

Mandy Majors: 11:28

One thing as you were talking cam, and you are talking about letting your kid grow up and letting your kid Pour into other relationships, and they're not gonna have the same amount of capacity for you and your relationship. One thing that kept just going off in my brain was this is why motherhood is not your identity. This is why and I'm telling you right now, my kid, my oldest, it's like she's left the house, she's moved out right your kids I know it does not feel that way. If you are a young parent and you're listening to this podcast, you're like the days will never end. It's exhausting, like I'm never gonna get out of this stage. I know it's long, it's hard work, it is, but it does end. It does end and if your whole identity is wrapped up in your kid, you're not gonna be able to let them go, because then you lose themselves and then you are gonna smother that child to death like helicopter them to death to where they were gonna move out and they're not gonna wanna come home ever right. And we see this a lot. We see this a lot and so I'm telling you right now I know motherhood and being a parent, it's a big part of who we are, absolutely. It requires a lot of time, a lot of sacrifice on our parts financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, all of it. Right, like we just give and give and give to serve our children. But we have to realize that that is for a season and that's not our identity. Our identity is God. Like we are a child of God. We tell kids that, right, don't pick up a label when you're 12. You're a child of God.

Mandy Majors: 13:10

Parents, you have to practice what you preach. God has a purpose for you. Yes, to raise this kid because it's a purpose for you in the kingdom of God. Like, what are you supposed to be doing? Serving Jesus? Right, get plugged into a church. If you're in a phase where you're like my kids are growing up and I just I feel like I have to reinvent myself. Go to a local church, get involved in ministry. There are young parents who would love for you to pour into them right. There's so many ministry opportunities. You can foster a kid, you can babysit for foster kids and give foster parents a break. There's so many ways that you can take the skills that you've learned as a parent and help other people. But it's not your identity, because your identity is serving others, serving Jesus.

Kim Elerick: 13:59

Well and I'm glad you said that because it's not just for you but modeling that for your kid you are their first teacher and so when your kid becomes a parent, for them to be able to look back and say my mom was a great mom, but she also did this and she also used her gifts and talents to do that, and for them to see that it's a great example for them as a parent.

Kim Elerick: 14:23

And then, like what you said, if you smother them and you make your identity all about them, they're not gonna wanna come back and that relationship that you're so wanting to have closeness with will be hurt and it'll be torn because they just can't wait to get away from you. So, even not coming back, just calling or connecting or being able to continue that parent-child relationship as they go through other big phases of life, you're always parenting. You don't wanna mess that up because you were overbearing. So I think those are two other things that coincide with what you're saying, mandy. It's not just about the right now, but also the fruit of the way that you're treating this relationship good fruit or bad fruit, we really get to decide.

Mandy Majors: 15:08

Well, and you know all of these parents who have contacted me. They're really good parents. They're really good parents and they're plugged into Next Talk and they want an open communication and all of that is great. I believe in open communication. I believe it saved my kids from so many things on the internet and just culture too, because they would come home and ask me right. So I believe in open communication wholeheartedly. I believe it's the answer to so much in our homes and it's commanded to us by God in Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7, like to talk with your kids about all these things, like we're commanded to do that. So it's biblical, it's scriptural, it is a solution that God gives us.

Mandy Majors: 15:46

But I think we have to be careful because, again, sometimes what we do is we grasp onto something like open communication, right, and then, and then we just stay there, stagnant and it almost becomes an idol in our life where we're swinging the pendulum so far that we're like well, if our 22 year old isn't calling us, telling us every moment about their day, something's wrong, that's weird. That's weird if your expectation is on your 22 year old to call you every day and tell you everything about their day. That's we want to create a person, an individual person, who can go out and live for Jesus and discern on their own. And call me with big things, yeah, but you need to be able to figure some things out on your own. We're creating a disciple, right, that like we're sending a disciple out into the world, and, and I just think we need to remember that.

Mandy Majors: 16:40

You know, I think about Jesus and his 12 disciples and, yeah, he spent all this time like with them, right, building this relationship with them. But then there come a moment when he was like I'm leaving, go, you're ready, right, that's what. That's what. That's what we're supposed to do with our kids, and I think that we don't want to give it up because we love it. And then we love them, and then we Sometimes don't trust what we've taught.

Kim Elerick: 17:04

We don't and Well, I kind of remind me of how he's like. I'm leaving, but I'm giving you the Holy Spirit to take with you, which is even better. Same, that's your teaching for your kids, and they have the Holy Spirit too. But when you say, trust what you taught, that's what we're doing. Go and what I have taught you take with you and you will be okay.

Mandy Majors: 17:25

Well, and I love what you said. You know, in that scripture when he says I'm leaving and I'm leaving you with the Holy Spirit. Here's the thing you you just said it your kids have the Holy Spirit, and in parents, the Holy Spirit in your kids is better than you. And I know that's hard to like, because we're like, but we've poured so much time and energy and well, but, but we are flawed, we get crap wrong all the time. We want our kid to be listening to the spirit of the Holy Spirit, or we want our kids to be listening to the, to the Holy Spirit over us. So then when they start to separate and it this natural progression happens of letting go and then gaining some independence, right we're, we're trusting what we've taught, because we know they have the Holy Spirit and they can go out into the world and they can discern, and then the Holy Spirit will prompt them.

Mandy Majors: 18:18

Oh, this is a conversation you need to have with parents, because this is getting out of control or this is something new or whatever, but but that's the goal here and I just think we have to be careful. You know, people are like open communication, like you just have to spill your guts about everything. That's not what this is. That's not what this is. This is creating a culture where we're creating a disciple that can go out and listen to the Holy Spirit. But, yes, there's this accountability in this inner circle that if you ever need a safe place to land or you need to talk or we need to process this with you, we're right here. We're right, you've got us right.

Kim Elerick: 18:54

You know, being a parent is one of the greatest things I have ever been blessed to get to do, and Anytime something's really good or you invest a lot of energy or time or love into it. It's hard when it changes, and so there's nothing easy about parenting, and I think this is one of those phases or steps that it's hard when it's time to let go and move into a new season that's not as familiar, and so it's easy to smother. It's easy to get all up in your kids business because you just miss them or you just care so much, and so if you're like me and you've had to hear from Andy like back it up, sister, I know it's hard, I know it's hard, but it's so important.

Mandy Majors: 19:35

Well, and when I say that to parents, like I don't say that being mean, like I say that in oh my gosh, you gotta be careful here you're gonna push your kid away. Like I don't want that for you. You've worked so hard to build this amazing relationship with your kid. I don't want you smothering your kid to the point where they're not gonna, they're gonna shut down. And you're at this point, when they're where they're growing up, that you do have to give some independence kind of thing. But but hear me on this still talk about expectations and guidelines and all the things. It's just like when your kid and I know you're thinking you may be thinking practical things with a phone. So when do they get full independence in a bedroom with the phone or whatever? If you have a trustworthy relationship with them, you need to catch them doing something awesome and then they earn the phone in the room. The reason for that is they're gonna probably move out at eighteen and do something, and so we want them to be prepared for that. That's a real life skill. Like how do we balance this? How do we have self control with the phone in our room? And so we want to teach those skills while they're in our home.

Mandy Majors: 20:40

It's just like driving a car. When your kid first starts out. You're all up in their business, like you're all. You're talking about stop lights and you know. You're writing with them and you're saying that was a rolling stop. That's not okay. That's not you and you're all up in their business. But two years into them driving, you're not really harping on them as much unless you see bad behavior. Or maybe they get a speeding ticket and it's like okay, I had let the kite string out and you are having all this independence. We need to reel this in for a minute. Why were you speeding like?

Mandy Majors: 21:10

This is a conversation, right, we teach the lesson but work, but then we give independence. There are gonna be mistakes. There are gonna be mistakes along the way. They are kids, they are trying to figure this out, they are creating their, they are doing this like separation thing, where they're like I'm my own person, but I love my family, and how do I figure this out? How do I navigate this? And so I just think it's really, really important to recognize when it starts happening and not go into crazy parent Smother mode. We have to be real careful about that, cuz I know that that is going to have adverse reactions on your relationship that I don't want it to have. This podcast is ad free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit make a donation today.

Kim Elerick: 21:59

At next talk, dot org.

Mandy Majors: 22:01

This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.