My kid is addicted to screens. Help!

A mom stopped us and said “I think my kid is addicted to screens!” We shared 1 small shift for her to make that day. Listen to see if it helps you too!

Transcript

Mandy Majors: 0:01

Welcome to the nextTalk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Kim Elerick: 0:08

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids.

Mandy Majors: 0:12

So, Kim, my husband and I were out and about just having a day and a mom came up to me and she knew me from nextTalk and she said I have a question for you. She was like my kid is addicted to screens. Could you help? Wow, okay, and I thought, oh my gosh, because I only had like five minutes with her, right, I mean, it was people were all around us. It was like this moment and I thought this may be a really good show, because I think I just gave her like one step to try and see if it makes a difference. Right, that was it.

Mandy Majors: 0:53

I didn't go into this big old, long educational spiel about screen addiction and all the things, and so I remember texting you, thinking I wonder if this would be a good little show, because I do feel like all of us feel that way sometimes. Like I felt that way for sure, like, oh my gosh, I really screwed this up. They're addicted, they're on their screens all the time, especially as they get older, and they're always talking to their friends online, like they're always communicating with their friends through their phone.

Kim Elerick: 1:21

It's so true and I mean don't do what I did, which is like I think it was the Wall Street Journal. There's some news popped up on my phone like an alert and it was like are you addicted to your phone? Take this quiz. And I did, and it was like, oh yes, you are so addicted. And then I was like, oh, my kids are my husband, everybody, and so you can go down that path. And then you end up spewing that off to your kid, which is so off-putting, because this is something that they really enjoy. It's the way they stay connected to their friends and their girlfriends and boyfriends and their whole life, and so it's hard to find that balance of bringing it up and having the conversation with them without pushing them away.

Mandy Majors: 2:04

Well, I mean, we used to go to the mall, right, and we would do inside jokes and laugh and talk about what was happening in our lives and our crushes and all the things at the mall, right, that's what we would do. They come home and they do that on their phones with their friends, like through the group text, through the DMs, right, and so that's why how they're staying connected to their friends. Now some kids are doing bad things, and so you do have to separate that out If it's not just oh, I'm just hanging out with my friends here versus watching pornography. We've got to understand the difference, but we can't always just rush to. Our kids are addicted. This is a horrible problem.

Mandy Majors: 2:47

I do want to speak into this word like addicted too. I think it's one of those terms like bullying. I think it's overused. I think it puts a label on someone and it makes that person feel shamed, like I know with my husband. You know we joke all the time and sometimes, when I'm on my phone too much, when he says, maybe you're addicted to your phone, it makes me feel bad right.

Mandy Majors: 3:10

Yes, it makes me feel like I'm screwing everything up, I'm wrong and I've noticed with my kids when I do that it shuts down conversation and they are again picking up a negative label for their life that I don't want for them. So that's really what I want to talk about, like what I told this mom. Like off the cuff, try this first kind of thing.

Kim Elerick: 3:34

I'm really glad that you said that, because the you know the kids will even use the words like addiction and bullying and stuff all the time. I'm depressed all the time, and they just lose their power. And so I'm always telling my kids you know, there are people who are truly addicted, who are really being bullied, who really are clinically depressed, and we need to honor that, because those are places and spaces in someone's life where they need serious medical help. So using that word off the cuff kind of does a disservice to the power of that word. And so you're right, mandy, we really need to pay attention to that and explain to our kids why it's important not to use those words just like in a blasé, fair kind of way.

Mandy Majors: 4:18

Well, and Kim, that's exactly what I said to this mom. I looked at her and I was like I think all of us, all of us feel that way sometimes, that our kids are addicted to screens. We all feel that way. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to challenge you to shift your language, because when we tell our kids they're addicted, we're putting a negative, negative label on them and it's creating this place of shame where they're not, they're not going to talk to you anymore about it, like they're not, because you're just being critical and telling them everything that they're doing wrong. So why don't you shift your language? And I think this is really, really important. Like I think we defined this on our video study like a stronghold versus an addiction. Right, I think many people their phones have a stronghold on them. Like, we're all struggling with this balance, all of us adults, kids, all of us right.

Mandy Majors: 5:12

But I think it's real important that if we say, hey, your screen may have a stronghold on you, we need to identify that before it becomes an addiction.

Mandy Majors: 5:22

Then it becomes a conversation of we're identifying these things in our life that are not healthy, that we may need to change, instead of, oh my gosh, I'm a screw up, I'm an addict kind of thing. You don't mean, like there's just a shift there to where it's like I don't want to become a person who ignores everybody in real life. I don't want to become the person who comes home from school and all they do is game and they don't talk to anybody. I don't want to eventually grow up and have my own family and ignore my own family because I'm addicted to my screen. Like I don't want to become this person. So over here, while I'm 16, I'm going to recognize this does have a stronghold on me, and that's okay, because everybody's kind of struggling to figure it out. But what can I do to make that better? And then you're like alerted to it, you're more intentional about when you're spending time on a screen and how you're spending that time.

Kim Elerick: 6:23

Well, I think this is a great opportunity to do something that's really hard, which is look in the mirror yourself. Like Mandy said, we're all in the space of a stronghold, and this is a wonderful opportunity to be very humble with your kid and honest and say you know, this is something I'm really struggling with and I see in your life as well. You're having the same kind of stronghold or struggle. And what if, together, we work on some new habits or some new things that we do to help us have a better balance? Then again, it's not about shaming or cutting things off. It's about let's help each other to do better.

Kim Elerick: 7:02

And it allows that conversation to continue to go, because you can encourage each other. What do you think we should do? How can we do that? And then, in the day to day, as time goes by, it also creates space for that conversation without it being awkward like oh my gosh, my mom is always nagging me about the phone. Instead, it's how did you do today? Like I struggled at this time, or I did really good and it felt really good. So it's a beginning point that allows a connection and growth together and also it's that long term of I can create conversation around this and it's not nagging and annoying to my kid.

Mandy Majors: 7:39

I love how you presented that. A couple of things came to mind is you know that Bible verse, iron sharpens iron, and we want that kind of relationship, especially as our kids get older and they're kind of growing up and learning on their own and pulling away a bit, which is totally normal. Right, that that accountability is still there, that conversation of we're all trying to figure it out. How are you doing, how am I doing so? I love that. The other thing that I really liked that you said was the look in the mirror. You know that's one of our next top core principles on how to create open communication in your home and that look in the mirror is so important. And share like a detailed story with your kids. You know, if they're struggling and they're like I really am struggling turning off the Xbox because I love this game so much and I love being connected you know I love playing this and I can feel the draw to it. I mean you share a story like, oh yeah, the other night dad and I crawled in bed and here I was on Facebook. What am I doing? Like I see dad 15 minutes a day really, where we get to have a conversation, and I was on Facebook and dad had to remind me what are you doing? Get off of your phone right now. Right, it's our, it's past talk time, it's not screen time. And so again you're looking in the mirror and sharing with your kid I'm not perfect either on this. I'm figuring out also and you paint a beautiful picture cam of learning, hand in hand together, keeping each other accountable, working towards the same goal.

Mandy Majors: 9:14

The other thing that I think would be really helpful, too, is and you can Google some of these stories I mean there's there's tons out there of you know dad addicted to gaming or something where you know lives are destroyed. Like use people you know in your real life or stories you've heard or documentaries you've watched or whatever, to give examples to your kids. You know what I mean. Like uncle so-and-so really struggles with this. He's been divorced three times, he can't quit gaming. Like I don't want this for your life, right, and so what I want for you is yeah, I'm not saying you can't ever gain, but but do you see how that's unhealthy? It's ruined his life and ruined his marriages and he can't turn it off, kind of thing.

Mandy Majors: 10:04

And you can find these stories like I remember years ago I watched a date line about it with my kids and it was so good and it followed this dad who he had three, three or four young kids and mom would be every night giving kids baths and dinner and he would be downstairs gaming and it was like a ruining the home, the kids, the marriage, everything was in shambles because he could not stop playing this game. He would game all night and then he would go to work in the morning. And so you know, those are really key examples to talk with your kids about. Like I don't want you to be that, I don't want screens to take over your life. I don't want screens to rob you of the joy of human interaction and of building a family. I don't want that for you. So we have to recognize today yeah, it may have a stronghold on this, but we're going to do this, this and this, so it doesn't become that.

Kim Elerick: 10:59

It doesn't become that A few things that I want to point out, and one is anytime I use an example like that with my kids, they'll be like that's crazy, that would not have been. You know, I would never do that or that wouldn't happen to me. And it's super important, if your kids does that, to say Do you think that dad, when he was fourteen or eleven or nine, ever thought that that was going to be his life? No one sets out to be addicted to something. We start somewhere and slow, that slow trickle effect, and it just one day they look around like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? It's not something you set out to do, and so make sure you explain that to your kids.

Kim Elerick: 11:41

It's important for them to understand, because it's so easy to say that would never happen to me, and they need to understand it certainly could, and things don't happen overnight.

Kim Elerick: 11:50

They take time and creeps up on you so that it's relatable for them and they understand that. And then the other thing is this process of looking in the mirror and this process of learning how to communicate what you're struggling with and helping each other. It's so good to do with, you know, gaming or phones or screens, but making sure that you're making the connection, that this is their process for life. So when they're dating, when they are married with their own kids and in their friendships, you know, being vulnerable and transparent about things you're struggling with and working together and learning how to communicate, that is such a great life skill, and so anytime we're walking through something like this, I always try to say hey, you're, I'm just so proud of you and this is going to help you with other things. Because we want them to make that connection that the skill that they are learning about how to work through struggles in life is going to help them with other things as they get older.

Mandy Majors: 12:45

It's so true. It's so true identifying where you struggle and being like, okay, I need to do something here different because this is not working for me. It's such a great skill and then communicating with that, with all the people around you, to hold you accountable, that you know your loved ones, your closest and your inner circle I just think that's really good. The other thing I wanted to circle back to what you just said, kim is you said it was like a slow trickle effect, like nobody, nobody sets out to be, like that's going to be my life. I'm not going to be able to turn off the game, you know, when I'm 46 or whatever I we just had talk hop on the show and he said the exact same thing about drugs. And you know he's a drug expert, he's a retired cop of 18 years and he travels the country speaking about drugs, education and all of that.

Mandy Majors: 13:34

And the one thing that he said and I thought it was such a good moment on his show he said no cocaine or heroin addict that I've ever worked with started out being a heroin or cocaine addict. It started out with vaping, alcohol, marijuana something that we would deem maybe smaller or not as big of a deal and I'm using, like air quotes there, smaller or not as big of a deal and I think it was such a good moment to remind ourselves that we do have to catch the little things to prevent the big things from happening. And this is that conversation and, like you said, it could apply to screen addiction, it could apply to dating, it could apply to sex and how far you're gonna go, the boundaries around that. I mean, it can apply to so much more, which is why it's such an important conversation.

Kim Elerick: 14:28

Great point, mandy. Okay, so here you are, out with your husband having a day and a mom walks up and asks you this question like my kid's addicted to screens. What do I do? Are those all the tips you gave, or is there anything else you wanna share?

Mandy Majors: 14:41

Yeah, I just really calmly said and I was being for real like we all feel that way. We all feel that way. Why don't you just shift your language, instead of using the shameful label of addiction, start talking about how our phones have a stronghold on all of us and then working together to break the habit? Now, that was step one. Listen, if you've already done that and you're like I've tried that for six months, it's not working, we're not getting, I mean, you may need to move on to step two, where you're seeing a counselor, where you're getting more people involved or whatever. This was just one. I mean, I didn't know their history, I didn't know the mental health of the child, right, this was just off the cuff.

Mandy Majors: 15:23

This is what I'm recommending. Why don't you shift that language to see if it makes a difference? And so that's what I would recommend Anyone out there that's feeling the same way. I've done this in my home a million times when I have felt like things were getting out of control. I've shifted the language and then we've had resets, just like what Kim was saying is we're all kind of out of balance right now. We gotta get a handle of this. We don't want this to spy or all that kind of thing, and so I hope it's helpful and just to shift that language just a bit and maybe it'll create more open conversation in your home. This podcast is ad-free because of all the people who donate to our nonprofit.

Kim Elerick: 16:03

Make a donation today at nextTalk. org.

Mandy Majors: 16:06

This podcast is not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological or legal problem. Listeners are advised to consult a qualified expert for treatment.