Let your kid struggle.

You've noticed your kid is struggling. You think it's gaming. Maybe their friend group. Is it social media? What should I do? 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Next Talk podcast. We are passionate about keeping kids safe in an overexposed world.

Speaker 2: 0:09

It's Mandy and Kim and we're navigating tech, culture and faith with our kids. Let your kid struggle.

Speaker 1: 0:17

Oh, that hurts her mother's heart.

Speaker 2: 0:19

No, ma'am, it's too hard to see your kid struggle in the midst of conflict and hardship. I'm sorry Mama Bear comes out and I need to protect my kiddo. It's hard.

Speaker 1: 0:30

It is so difficult to watch them struggle and wrestle and try and figure it out. But man, I've learned so much along the way that that's like so healthy for them and it like prepares you a little bit along the way to let go. I mean now I have a 20 year old right, so I see a lot of struggle of trying to figure out adulthood and career and college and all of that kind of stuff, and so it is preparing your mama heart a little bit at a time as they're growing up, letting them struggle and experience that conflict.

Speaker 2: 1:04

Well, and that's what we want to talk about today is what does that look like in a practical sense? Because it's easy to say like, let them struggle, but what does that mean? What does that mean in the day to day, when things don't work out the way they want to, when they're sad and discouraged by news or information they've heard or by the way someone has treated them? As a mom, we can say that in our mind, but when the rubber meets the road and it happens how do we respond that actually supports our kid versus plays into our mama bear situation, where we want to step in and fix it for them?

Speaker 1: 1:40

So let's give some practical examples and kind of talk about what we're, what we're meaning here, cause I think you're right, that's a big statement. Let your kids struggle Like what does it really mean? So, for example, say that you notice you don't like your kid's friend group, or you don't like who they're dating Right, and you're like seeing all the red flags, you're like, oh my gosh, I don't know if this is the right thing. And you know, I just feel like there is some mama intuition sometimes, too, that you think you know everything because you like I know this kid, I know this friend group.

Speaker 2: 2:18

This is not good, you know, and I would challenge you yes, you know your kid better than anybody no-transcript, but one of the things that she said to me recently that has been so helpful in the last you know year or so. You don't know what God is doing, and two things One, not form an opinion based on what other people say. People will speak into your kids' life, to the lives of the friends your kids are hanging out with, and they will have their own spin on it. And it's easy to pick that up and be like, oh my gosh, and then form your opinion on that and then approach your kid based on that Versus, staying in tune and in step with your kid and in with Jesus. Like Lord, show me who this person is in my kid's life and then, with your kids, tell me what you think about this, like asking their opinion and then observing like what's happening in this situation.

Speaker 2: 3:36

It's super easy just to take on the opinions of others and that's one thing you told me, mandy, that I thought was super helpful is not to ask everybody else what they think of this person or this situation or this friend, but to hone in on my kid and be praying about like how is God going to use this situation?

Speaker 2: 3:54

And then, secondary, being open to how God is using you in this moment. Like it's easy, I think, for us to think this is my kid's best friend forever, or this is going to be their girlfriend forever and then possibly their wife forever, and maybe we get carried away with those thoughts instead of thinking how is God going to use me, through this situation and this moment, to minister to this person in my kid's life and to minister to my kid? And that is a whole different stance than I think we often take, and so we can often hijack the situation with our emotions and our fears and our struggles, instead of letting our kid process and then also processing from a distance how we can support our kid through this experience have a friend group or one friend, or they're in a dating relationship and you are getting all the weird vibes.

Speaker 1: 4:48

You know you can try and speak that into them, but I think nine times out of 10, most of those kids are going to get defensive, they're going to rebel. I mean, that's what I did. You know, my mom told me not to date this person. That's who I'm going to date them Like, that's who I'm sneaking out at night to date this person, right, because I'm going to show my mom, because you know you're a kid and you think you know better and you think your parents don't get it. I mean, that's just part of being a kid, right, and so I think sometimes, instead of you know, pointing it out to them and you can try that.

Speaker 1: 5:19

But if it's not working, I think the question then becomes when you start seeing red flags in your kid, because if these people are a negative influence on your kid, you're going to start seeing red flags in your kid. So maybe a change in grades. Or you're doing a phone check and you're finding things on their phone that you've never found before and you're like, oh my gosh, this is like I'm seeing the influence, right, and I think in our minds we go to I was right, my mama got was right, I'm just that's it. That's it. I'm going to tell them right now all these things that are happening.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Yes, and I think that's where we go wrong. That's where I've gone wrong in the past and what I've learned to do that I feel like has been so healthy and better is to say to my kid okay, hey, I did a random phone check and I found this on your phone and I've never found anything like this before on your phone. Why do you think this is happening? Because, listen, if we're putting the question back on them, then there becomes a moment in their life where they have to look in the mirror and they have to wrestle with who they are. Why am I doing this now? Now it may come back to it's the friend group or it's the dating relationship, and I'm being influenced here.

Speaker 1: 6:38

I mean, mom, you may be right, but I think by just pointing it out and saying you can't hang out with those people, I think sometimes we do more damage than if we can have them look in the mirror and start wrestling with who they are and who they want to be, and their integrity and their relationship with Jesus.

Speaker 1: 7:03

And that's what we mean by let your kids struggle, Because sometimes we do have the answer and we do know the problem and we do see it clearly and we are right. You know we are right Sometimes we're not, but sometimes we are and we see it all. But how we communicate that to our kid takes the struggle out of their hand and it becomes a battle between who's right mom or kid, or parent or kid right Instead of this moment where it can be a character building thing for your kid who do I want to be, who do I? And then it becomes them making the choices and them being the advocates and them having the expectations in their life for who their friend group is going to be and who their or who their dating relationship is going to be with Right. They are setting the expectation and not you just dictating.

Speaker 2: 7:55

You know in the Bible where it talks about like give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, or teach him to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Okay, that concept. I literally have always thought of Jesus as like standing on the shore. This is how you do it, like frustrated, and that's not Jesus. That's really my personality, like with my kids. When I know how to fish and I know the answer or at least I think I do it's easy for me to step in to share my opinion, to dictate here's what you need to do and here's why. Because you need to have fish so you can eat for a lifetime, versus stepping back and saying I know my kid is learning how to fish and they're figuring it out. They're going to not hook the fish right away, they're going to miss it, they're going to do the wrong thing, they're going to use the wrong bait, they're going to do all the things that I have done and I want to protect them from that. But I cannot if I want them to learn the long-term lesson.

Speaker 2: 8:58

And that's hard. That's our flesh that's speaking out and wanting to fix it. We want to fix things for our kids and in that struggle of them learning how to fish. That is how they learn to live a life that is honoring of God, that is a healthy relationship with their spouse, a healthy relationship with their boss with themselves for that matter. And so, really, if we think about it from that term of we don't want to steal that from them, we don't want to steal the struggle, because that's where the lesson comes. Don't steal the struggle, hold back support, love, all of those things. Encourage but don't fix, and I think that's really hard for us.

Speaker 1: 9:37

Well, I think it's really hard. And then also, you know, like when what we think is going to happen happens, so maybe they get their heart broken or they end up in a very bad situation wanting to say I told you so or wanting to say, oh, I was right, like like that's a prideful, awful way to think. When your kid is hurting, right, you need to be thinking that comes from a place of shame.

Speaker 2: 10:00

We're shaming, we're shaming, we don't want to shame.

Speaker 1: 10:03

No, and honestly, like what you said that I recently told you, like what is God doing here? This may be a life lesson that, even though it may hurt your kid, the next friendship they get into or the next relationship they get into, it's going to be completely different because of the lesson they've learned here and God is preparing them for a future marriage because he knows they need to learn this lesson. Right now we don't know what God is doing. The other thing is you don't know if God is using your family to move this friend or this boyfriend girlfriend closer to Jesus. You don't know that. And using your family to move this friend or this boyfriend girlfriend closer to Jesus. Like you don't know that, and that's horrible dating advice and horrible friendship advice.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Like I would never say to my kid hang out with these people because you know, I know they're not good, but maybe you can reach them for Jesus. Like I would never say that to my kid, because my kid is a kid right. Like Jesus did that Jesus hung out with sinners but he was a man and he was mature and he was God in the flesh, right, so he could handle that sort of temptation. We're not always able to handle that sort of temptation. So I would never tell my kids, you know, go date this person that you know is a player and watching porn and doing all the things. I would never say that. But if my kid ends up dating somebody like that, I would have to take a step back and be like, okay, lord, how are you using me in this situation? Maybe our family is part of helping this person see the light. You don't know, and as much as I would want to forbid a relationship or forbid to do, I don't have that much power. My mom tried to do that to me and she didn't have that much power, right? Because then it ignited a rebellion in me to be like I'm going to do the opposite of what you tell me to do because you don't know anything, because that's how teen brains are wired. I mean, that's like us in the flesh when we're not submitting to Jesus, and so you just have to be so careful that you're not throwing gasoline on all of that and then creating this friction in your relationship that doesn't need to be there because you think you are right.

Speaker 1: 12:11

All the time, parents and I mean I think the majority of the time we do see something happens before ahead of time, but we're not God and we don't know. We don't know, right. I mean I look back at when my husband met me and I was a hot mess of a teenager and, like the fact that my in-laws weren't like I don't want you dating her. There was some sort of something that happened when I met their family that I felt so loved and cherished.

Speaker 1: 12:49

No matter what, that it changed my life. It changed how I viewed Jesus and it was shortly thereafter that I gave my life to Christ and was baptized. Because it changed how I felt about Jesus, because I was loved unconditionally, even though I was all screwed up, mess, and some kids just need to feel that I mean they do. And that may be your ministry, your kid's ministry in the world. Again, I wouldn't set out to have that because you know I want my kids' friendships and my kids' relationships to be Christ-centered and everything that. But the world is broken and we don't always get that right, we don't always get that prayer answered, and so I do think sometimes, when we don't like where they're headed, we try to play God and I think it gets real dangerous, real fast.

Speaker 2: 13:39

Gosh, that's a lot of really good insight, mandy, and I didn't even know. I've known you a long time now and I've never heard you explain it that way your relationship with your in-laws and that's really beautiful, like that's a gift. That's something that I don't think a lot of us can say that we've experienced. I think that that speaks to the fact that God is not predictable and he uses us in ways that are unexpected. And if we're waking up in the morning and saying, lord, show me what you want me to do today, who you want me to see, how you want me to speak, how you want to use me, that it may be unexpected. It may be in the friendship or relationship of your kid, or a bad situation where you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe my kid did this, but it's a conversation that changes everything If we show up with that attitude.

Speaker 2: 14:29

I think that's the sweet spot of parenting of being available for how God wants to work through us to empower our kids to be the best for Him, and that is not easy, it's exhausting and it's very vulnerable, but it is what keeps our kids safe in this crazy, crazy world and keeps us connected to them, and so it's completely worth it.

Speaker 2: 14:52

So I think that's the bottom line is that struggle which, as a mom, you know we said when we opened up the show it's painful, whether it be a physical struggle like you know, mandy and I both walked through some things with our kids where they've been kind of robbed of something that they love to do for a season and that is painful for them.

Speaker 2: 15:14

It's painful to watch them have to struggle through that or it's an emotional struggle, or a relational struggle. Whatever it is. Nobody and especially the mama bears we don't like to see our kids hurting or sad, but it is in that space where they wrestle with God and they come out on the other side preparing them for what's to come in their life that we have no clue about, like there's no way we would know how God's going to use them in the future, and so I really do believe it is our job to support them through that. Keep their eyes fixed on Jesus. Not to insert our opinion like this is what you should do, this is what you should say, this is how you should feel, but tell me what you think and keep them directed and guided towards truth, and I think that's really, really our goal as parents, as our kids struggle through things.

Speaker 1: 16:06

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 16:06

I mean, you have to keep them asking themselves is this okay between me and Jesus? Is this all right? They got to know the line and they got to have that wrestling, you know. The other thing that comes to mind, just on a practical note, is, you know, screen time, getting them, as they get older, to regulate screen time. And you know we get calls all the time. They just earned this social media platform and now their grades are going down. What do I do? Do I take it away? Do I what you know?

Speaker 1: 16:32

And I think that's such a that's such a moment where, instead of just guns blazing, we take all social media away and we take all screens away because your grades are going down. It's like an inward. Hey, buddy, you've, you're getting more freedom. You know, on the screens, now your grades are dropping. Like, is this related? Like, tell me what's going on, what, what is happening here? Right, and you may have to feed this a little bit to them to get them to see it, but but I think, getting them to again wrestle with why are my grades going down? Is it because of the extra time I'm spending on Instagram tonight? Or is it because this and this and this is really hard and it doesn't have anything to do with it. They have to figure it out. This is a life skill that they're going to need in their job and at college. And so many times we just want to think we know the answer and we're going to do this, this and this and we're going to fix it for them. And so many times we just want to think we know the answer and we're going to do this, this and this and we're going to fix it for them. And instead I would say, put it back on your child, like, if your child is struggling at school or you're noticing differences or whatever, you need to be like hey, what are you doing to fix it? What are you going to do to bring your grades up? Like what? And I'm here to help you. You, if you need a tutor, if you need this or whatever, throw the net out to them, but put it on your kid to fix it. This is where that again, that character building, happens in a life.

Speaker 1: 17:58

And I think so many times, because we want our kids not to experience pain, we rob them of those life lessons and we've got to stop doing that. And I do want to say a disclaimer, because some people you know, some are very serious situations Like we've got. You know you found a trafficking situation on your kid's phone where their life could be at stake. I mean, you got to just speak up. There's no wrestling in that, right. Like do whatever you can do to protect yourself. I do want to like put out this disclaimer, right?

Speaker 1: 18:28

Or your kid is like breaking the law. You know, if they're drinking and driving, lay down the law. There's no time for like wrestling with that, like they could kill someone or themselves, right? So there's definitely lines that you don't let them wrestle. You bring the hammer down and you're like, stop, we are having a come to Jesus moment.

Speaker 1: 18:49

This is an intervention, obviously, but what we're talking about on this show is, you know, they got a C instead of a B. They got, you know, their friend group. You're just not sure if they're headed in the right direction. They're starting to cuss where they didn't before. Like you know these little signs that sometimes send us in a spiral like, oh my gosh, they did this, so now they're going to do this. These are the things that I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 19:11

Pause for a minute, pause and throw it back on them and ask them why do you think you're doing this now? Like, why do you think you're making these decisions now? So that they can start to untangle and figure out okay, what decisions am I making in my life to make me do this? That is just a gold moment, it's a win, and I know we hate it as parents when our kids do start to make mistakes like that or they do start to go, you know they're taking a step off a path. That makes us real nervous.

Speaker 1: 19:43

But these are moments where men and women are built, like the character of a person is built, and I think a lot of times we're just stealing it from our kids because we think we're right all the time and we know the answers and this is what you're going to do, and so I think that's what the whole show is about. Like, step away from that for a minute, because you aren't God and you don't know what's happening in this moment, and so pray about it and encourage your kid to press into. What do I need to fix here? Like, what do I need to do to fix this problem?

Speaker 2: 20:20

that I'm having as parents. I know if we thought about it logically, we would never say we want to steal something from our kids, like we would never want to steal some of their greatest gifts from them or their greatest blessings. But we don't think about it that way when it comes to life lessons. But I think if we shift our thinking and we're like you know what, this is something that will serve them so well throughout their entire life to learn how to wrestle with the difficult, to learn how to wrestle with the right and wrong and decisions that they're making and allow God to speak into that and hear that and then be obedient and see the fruit of that. If they can learn that process, what a wonderful gift we get to give to our kids, and we would never want to steal that.

Speaker 2: 21:06

And so I think that's another looking in the mirror moment. Why am I trying to fix this for my kid? Is it just because I'm afraid to see them struggle? Is this about me? Whatever it is, I think we have to step back and say my goal here as a parent is to equip my kid with all the gifts and all the experiences they need while they're under my roof so they can flourish in the name of Jesus when they walk out the door, and this is one of those moments. We have got to let our kids wrestle so they're prepared to tackle the world.

Speaker 1: 21:41

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Speaker 2: 21:48

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Speaker 1: 21:55

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