Something Feels Off with My Teen… Should I Be Worried?

Parent Question: Something Is Off with My Teen—Now What?  

When your teen suddenly seems different, it’s easy for your brain to jump to the worst-case scenario. New clothes, new friends, sharper attitude—and suddenly you’re wondering if something is seriously wrong. 

In this episode, we talk about what to do when something feels off with your teen and how to take that concern seriously without jumping straight to panic. We introduce the “chapter 10 parent vs. chapter 3 kid” framework and share practical ways to stay curious, check devices, and keep kids safe online. 

We discuss: 
• trusting your gut without spiraling into fear 
• separating urgent self-harm risk from normal teen changes 
• understanding how social media algorithms can influence teens 
• asking curious questions instead of accusing or shaming 
• doing random phone checks with clear expectations 
• checking influencer feeds and algorithm recommendations 
• staying calm and engaged when attitude shows up 

If there are signs of self-harm or immediate danger, involve medical or mental health professionals right away. For everything else in the gray zone, this episode will help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting from fear. 

To support our work helping families navigate the digital world, visit nextTalk.org. 

RESOURCES

Random Phone Checks? - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/random-phone-checks/

What would you tell your 9th grade self? - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/what-would-you-tell-your-9th-grade-self/

3 Things Every Kid Needs (From a Youth Pastor) - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/3-things-every-kid-needs-from-a-youth-pastor/

Influenced - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/influenced/

How do I get my kids to tell me what they’re seeing online? - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-tell-me-what-theyre-seeing-online/

How do I get my kids to talk? - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/how-do-i-get-my-kids-to-talk/

Build a Safe Place - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/build-a-safe-place/

It feels like I’m losing my kid. Why is my kid pulling away? - https://nexttalk.org/podcast_episode/it-feels-like-im-losing-my-kid-why-is-my-kid-pulling-away/



Music: https://www.purple-planet.com

Transcript

When A Parent Feels Something Off

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to the Next Talk Podcast. We are a nonprofit passionate about keeping kids safe online. We're learning together how to navigate tech, culture, and faith with our kids. Recently I was talking to a mom and she said to me, I am so worried about my kid. Something is really off. And then after she said that, she went off to describe some details and some stuff like that. But it got me thinking, and it honestly took me back to some days when my kids were younger and as they were growing up, and especially during the early teenage years. And I thought maybe I could address that. One of the things I want to say, first of all, is if you feel like something's off with your child, don't ignore it. You're the parent, you know this kid more than anyone other than God. So don't ignore it. But also, we do need to be careful. First of all, before we get into this, I want to say this parent was not telling me things like self-harming or suicide. I wasn't worried about this child uh hurting themselves. So if that's the case and and and you're worried about that, you need to immediately seek a counselor, seek a pediatrician, you know, a medical doctor, and get and get the medical experts involved. I'm simply talking to you as a mom today. So when I would start being panicked about maybe some things I was seeing in my kids, like her comment kind of took me back to those days. And I really wanted to address it. So, first of all, though, I wanted to talk about that disclaimer with the, you know, self-harming, if they're hurting themselves, obviously medical professionals immediately. I'm talking about stuff like they have more attitude than normal, their style of clothes has changed, their friend group has changed. Something that you're concerned about. You think that there's a step in a different direction that you're like, wait a minute, what is this? So these are the kinds of things that I'm thinking about on this show. Simple things. But as I say all of those, we're probably all thinking, that's all of our teenagers. Like, right? Their style does change. They do have attitude. Their friends, friend groups will change and evolve. So when is it like a red flag that we need to dig into? And when is it just, you know, normal teenage stuff that they're going through? When this mom and I were dialoguing and she said this to me, and my mind kind of went back to some moments in my own parenting journey. Um, one of the things that I remembered was this. A counselor told me one time, I remember I was on the couch, you know, crying and worried about my kids, and this is happening and that is happening. And I remember her saying, Mandy, you are at a chapter 10, and your kid is at chapter three. And that has just really had an impact on me for many years of being a mom. Because I think that's what often happens. You know, in the world we live in, kids can get radicalized very easily. We they where they just get zoned in on this one ideology or this path, or and and and it's easy to do that because of social media and how divisive everything is. And so I think one of our greatest fears as parents is like, we just don't want our kid getting radicalized on on anything, you know, and I'm I'm talking like politics, thought processes, um, any kind of hate, hate group or hate thought that's out there in the world. We don't want our kids to get radicalized with that. And so oftentimes, I think what happens is our kid, you know, changes their clothing or they make a statement just to see how we're gonna respond. That may be different than how they've been brought up, or um, it may challenge the narrative in the home. And I think what happens is so many times our kid is just at chapter three. They've just heard about this from somebody online and they're just throwing it out at the dinner table to see what our response is going to be. But in our mind, we're at chapter 10. They're they're radicalized, we've lost them, you know, they're going down a bad path. So there's all sorts of things that can trigger this chapter 10 response in us. So, for example, you know, yeah, we could be worried about radicalization generally. But but what they're saying, we could have experience with this from our past that we haven't healed from. And it just triggers us. And we go back to when we were a teen and we're like, oh my gosh, no, this, my teen's not gonna do that. My teen's not gonna follow in my footsteps. Sometimes what's happened is you've already walked a difficult road with your kid, and they've come out of that on the other side, but then you see a sign and it triggers you, and you go to chapter 10 again. Uh-oh, we're back here again. I tell you all this because I never want you to ignore warning signs in your child's life. But also, I don't want you to rush to panic mode. Because sometimes they're just throwing something out there that they want us to respond to. So if you do see changes in attitude, if you do see um changes in dress, changes in friend group, things like that, a couple things that I would recommend. One, try to ask about it in a curious way instead of an accusatory way. So we don't want to inject shame or project that they're making a wrong decision, but we do want to ask and be curious about why they're hanging out with this new group of people now. Or tell me about your new friend, you know, that that you seem to be hanging out with a lot. So just engage with them in dialogue, but in a way that is not shameful, not you being mad at them. This should be a calm, logical conversation where you are just curious and trying to understand what they're thinking. The other thing is this, you know, I'm really big on random phone checks, and I have a podcast on that. I can link that for you. But check their phone, check their devices. With random phone checks, too. Like, I was very honest with my kids when they earned phones that, you know, I'm gonna be able to check it at any time. And when they were younger and just had gotten a phone, like there were moments when I would be like, hey, give me your phone. It's it's time for a random phone check. And I would do that. As they got older, I and you know, I hadn't found anything that they hadn't already told me about, which is awesome. Um, but as they had gotten older, I stopped doing that and just saying, hand me your phone. And I would just check it randomly at night to kind of see, you know, I didn't really make a big deal about it, but I was just making sure they were safe. And if I ever would have seen anything that was a red flag that they didn't tell me about, then, you know, that's a concern. And so when I say you're you may be noticing different things in your kids' life, check the phone. Because a lot of times their online influencers have changed. They may have found a different algorithm. They they clicked on one too many videos and now it's sent them down a spiral. And that may be what you're noticing. Always check online and make sure there's nothing happening there that's dangerous or that you need to be worried about. So obviously, do random phone checks, make sure there's not anything going on in the phone that could maybe be influencing this new behavior or these new decisions that you're finding with your kid. The other thing is just always kind of have a temperature of who is influencing your kids, right? Like who's their favorite YouTuber? Who's their favorite social media influencer? What's their favorite show that they're watching? Netflix series or whatever. Like what's their favorite movie? Those sorts of things are great to kind of just check the temperature of the things that your kid is interested in and the information that your kid may be receiving in. So those are all great things. Um, at the end of the day, though, with this mom, you know, she started with this and um it just it just rang so many when she said it, it just reminded me of so many instances through the years of me as a mom, you know, going to chapter 10 when my kid was at chapter three, but I got overly panicked and I spiraled, you know, in this world of information that we live in, that we are, we hear about so many dangers with kids all day long. And I mean, I'm in this work, but even if you're scrolling through your social media, you see all of this. It's really easy for us to jump ahead and really get panicked about what our kids are saying or doing, or maybe a new behavior, but we're noticing. And and I certainly do not want you to brush it under the rug or ignore it. So at the end of the day, it's just really important that we don't go crazy mom mode, we don't overreact, and we just really dig into some calm, logical conversations and and be curious about why you're you're hanging out with this new group of friends or why you're dressing differently. Or, you know, with the attitude thing, one of the things that I used to say to my kids was, um, hey, like you're stressed. I can tell. How can I help you? And that was my way of being like, I see that you have attitude without really saying it in a shameful, demeaning way, because we all get stressed. We all have attitude at some point, you know, with each other. And so just having those calm, logical conversations. Um, but at the end of the day, when I was wrapping up this conversation with my mom, I ended it and I said, listen, the fact that you notice that something is off, that's a win. May not feel like a win. You may be spiraling and you may be at chapter 10. You know, you may um, you may need to take a breath, but at the same time, like it's so good that you're so in tune with your kids that you noticed when they maybe veer off a path or they, you know, they're moving a certain way. And I think that's so, so important for parents to be that engaged with their kids and know when something is off. I hope this is helpful. Again, this was not medical or legal advice. This was just this mom and this conversation that I had. It took me back to so many moments that of panic that I had in my own parenting journey, and I just wanted to address it. As always, keep fighting the good fight, keep talking about all the things, and make sure that you're not going crazy parent mode or overreacting. You got this.

Speaker 11:48

Next talk is a 501c3 nonprofit keeping kids safe online. To support our work, make a donation at next talk.org. Next talk resources are not intended to replace the advice of a trained healthcare or legal professional, or to diagnose, treat, or otherwise render expert advice regarding any type of medical, psychological, legal, financial, or other problem. You are advised to consult a qualified expert for your personal treatment plan.