It's A Single Mom Thing

Relationship Rehab:(Episode 2: Don’t Fall for Feelings — Counterfeit vs. Kingdom)

• Shepherd's Village • Season 5 • Episode 33

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Are your feelings fooling you into chasing counterfeits instead of waiting on Kingdom love? 👀 In Episode 2 of Relationship Rehab, Sherry pulls back the curtain on the lies we tell ourselves, the red flags we ignore, and the soul ties that keep us stuck.

This isn’t just dating advice — it’s rehab for your heart, mind, and spirit. Whether you’re single, dating, or already in a relationship, this episode will help you recognize what’s real, release what’s not, and rebuild on the truth of God’s design.

In this episode, we cover:

✅ Why feelings will fool you but fruit will tell the truth
 ✅ Counterfeit vs. Kingdom love: what it looks like, sounds like, and feels like
 ✅ Red flags: pressure, inconsistency, fast-forward promises, and playing marriage without covenant
 ✅ Kingdom markers: peace, accountability, respect, boundaries, and fruit that lasts
 ✅ Sex & soul ties: the difference in how men and women bond, and how to break free
 ✅ A couple’s prayer for realignment back to God’s design

Rehab Checkpoints:

  • Am I falling for feelings instead of truth?
  • Is this fast food or a feast?
  • Does this relationship bring peace or create pressure?
  • Am I chasing chemistry without covenant?

📚 Resources mentioned in this episode:

💡 Challenge: Continue your “Cold Turkey Before Turkey Day” fast — no swipes, no sneaky DMs, no late-night texts. If you relapsed, reset. Rehab isn’t about perfection, it’s about progress.

👭 Share this episode with a friend who’s dating, or with your teen before they start dating. Start a Relationship Rehab group chat and walk through these checkpoints together.

📞 Need prayer? Call our 24-hour prayer line at 855-822-PRAY.

✨ Next week on Relationship Rehab: “Where Are You Planted in Your Field?” — because the seeds you sow now are the harvest you’ll reap late

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It's a Single Mom Thing, Not the Single Thing That Stops You!

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to It's a Single Mom Thing. The show for Single Moms by Single Moms. This is Sherry, your host, and I am happy you are here today. It's a single mom thing, and not the simple thing that stops you. Welcome back to another episode of It's a Single Mom Thing and our new series called Relationship Rehab, and this is part two. So if you're here, that means you survived week one, and some of y'all even went cold turkey. Now, maybe you nailed it, or maybe you relapsed, swiped once or twice, or maybe you even went back to that old boo you swore you were done with. Hey girl, listen, I get it, there is no shame in this game. This isn't easy, but listen, rehab isn't about perfection, and I want to make that clear because it is about progress. Every step back towards truth is a win. So last time we asked ourselves three check-in questions to expose deception in our first relationship rehab episode. And those questions were as follows. Number one, am I falling for feelings instead of truths? Number two, am I mistaking singleness for punishment instead of preparation? And three, am I falling in love with the idea of love instead of the author of love? And well, those weren't easy questions, but remember, rehab isn't about comfort, it's about cleansing. So this week, my ladies, we are digging into something that trips so many of us females up, and that is feelings. Because let's be honest with ourselves, feelings will lie to you faster than a bad boyfriend will. Truth, right? You see, feelings can have you chasing people instead of purpose, counterfeits instead of kingdom, and butterflies instead of peace. Now, let me make this even more plain with my own story. So years ago, tell my gravy, years ago it is, actually, years ago I dated a guy, let's just call him Danny Danger. From the outside, he looked fine, and I mean he was fine. He said all the right things, he had a stable job, had similar interests. I could go on and on and on, but every time, no joke, every time I was around this guy, my body told me a different story. I was anxious, obsessive, panicky. My heart would race. Not the good kind of racing either. The minute I left him, I'd start thinking about him, plotting ways to see him again, even if he didn't, excuse me, even if he, even if it didn't make sense. It wasn't peace, not at all. No, it was compulsion. And here's the truth, sis. When you feel like you are addicted to someone, and listen, that is exactly how I felt. That's not God. No, that's anxiety dressed up like affection. Mm-hmm. And it will make a tomfoolery out of you. And here's the kicker. We weren't even yoked. I called it mission dating. You've heard that before, and whether in this podcast or you've heard it somewhere else, you've heard that expression mission dating. So for me, I was hoping I could bring him up when really he was pulling me down. And I felt that same anxiety with other men too, who posed as Christians. But once I started asking questions and expecting and inspecting their fruit, that's what I meant to say, inspecting their fruit, the truth showed up. Now, let's compare that to the times I have dated men who were genuinely walking with Christ. Maybe they weren't the one God had for me, but you know what? There was no anxiety, there was no obsession. It was easy breezy to part ways with them when it came that time. And in fact, some of them married some of my good friends, and we are still friends to this day, and I was genuinely happy for them. That's the difference between counterfeit and kingdom. Counterfeit leaves you restless, obsessive, and empty. Kingdom gives you peace, freedom, and closure. And that's why today's anchor for this episode is rehab starts when we remember the only feeling we can fully trust is the peace of Christ. So whether you're single, dating, or already in a relationship, this episode is for you. We're gonna talk about accountability, how to know if you're really ready to date, what to do if you're already in a relationship, and yes, we're even going to go there and we're gonna talk about sex, soul ties, and why chemistry without covenant always leads to chaos. Mm-hmm. So get ready, grab your notebook, check your feelings at the door, and let's get into episode two titled Don't Fall for Feelings, Counterverse, Counterverse, listen to me, counterfeit verse kingdom. Cold turkey check-in. Okay, so before we jump into today's rehab work, let me say this. If you didn't catch episode one, you need to hit pause right now and go back. Because this series is like rehab. And in rehab, you don't skip intake and head straight for discharge. Okay, so episode one, here's what you will find. It will lay the foundation, and trust me, you are going to need it. Now, for those of you who have been with me since the start, let's check in on last week's challenge called Cold Turkey Before Turkey Day. So, how you doing? I know some of y'all went strong. You cut off the swipes, the late night, hey stranger tax, the score the listen to me, my tongue is tied today. The scrolling through his socials. But some of you, you may have slipped. Maybe you swiped just to look. Maybe you answered that DM. Maybe you even went back to that old boo, yep, mm-hmm, Danny Dangerous cousins who are still out there waiting for you. And some of you, well, you thought you were slick. You didn't delete the dating app. Oh no, you just hit take a break on the app. Sis, that's not called turkey, okay? That's keeping the fridge stocked with junk food while telling yourself you're on a diet. You're not free if the temptation is still there, sitting there waiting for you, okay? So listen to me. Rehab isn't about perfection. We have said that before, it is about progress. If you relapsed, do not drown in guilt, okay? This is a guilt-free zone. But I do want you to acknowledge it, reset and get back on track. Because again, I'm gonna repeat this every step toward truth is still a win. Now, here's the thing about going cold turkey. It's not just about deleting apps or blocking numbers, it's about what happens in your brain when you do. Now, did you know that every time you get a text notification, a like on social media, or a new match on a dating app, your brain releases dopamine. That's the same feel-good chemical that fires when you eat sugar, place a bet, or even take certain drugs. It is a quick high, but it never lasts. And then it leaves you craving more. That's why it feels so hard to stop scrolling or why you keep checking to see if he texted you back. Your brain has literally been trained to chase the hit. And if you're a mom here listening, which most of you are, okay, I'm gonna give you another frame of reference for this because you have seen this before. It is the same chemical rush your kids get when they're glued to video games or stuck on a screen. You know how easy is it to get your kids off their game before dinner, right? How many times have you heard when you've called for them to come to the dinner table? They say, I'll be right there, mom, or one more minute. Right. But 30 minutes later, the food's now cold, you done grounded them, and they still want their fix. That, my ladies, is dopamine at work. Same cycle, different trigger. So when you go cold turkey, you're not just making a spiritual decision, okay? You are literally retraining your brain, rewiring your spirit, and resetting your soul. That's why this feels like rehab, because it is, sister. And mama, you are worth the work. So don't worry about the connection between our kids and screens and dopamine. That's a whole episode for another day, and we're not going there. Now, before we move forward, let's ground ourselves again in the three questions we asked last week. Am I falling for feelings instead of truth? Am I mistaking singleness for punishment instead of preparation? And am I falling in love with the idea of love? The idea of love instead of the author of love. This requires a quick, honesty check-in. Did you actually write those down and post them somewhere where you can see them? Maybe on your bathroom mirror or steering wheel, as I suggested? Or did you forget and leave them buried in your notes app? No shame. Now's a good time to fix that. Even better, set it as a daily reminder in your phone to read them every morning before your day starts. Because again, rehab isn't about hoping you remember, it's about building habits that keep you rooted in truth. So these aren't just questions from last week. These are your rehab checkpoints. When you feel tempted, ask them again. Let them be your guardrails on your road to freedom. Accountability and rehab. So now let's talk about the next piece of rehab, and that's accountability. Because here's the truth, sis. Nobody makes it through rehab on their own. In real recovery programs, you get a sponsor. Somebody you can call when you're tempted, somebody who doesn't fall for your excuses, somebody who can see the blind spot you'd rather ignore. And it's no different in relationship rehab. You need the same thing. You need people who love you enough to say, girl, that is a red flag, not a rose. Butterflies don't check your blind spots, but accountability will. Now, okay, so before we go just picking anybody out, let's talk about what actually makes a great accountability partner. Because listen, not everyone qualifies for this role. So here is some criteria that I want to lay out with you. One, they're spiritually grounded, ideally a pastor, a mentor, or someone mature in their walk with Christ. Or two, someone that's, let's say, not competing with you, and that would be a married friend who values covenant, or a woman further down the road from you who can often give you or spec, listen, can give you a perspective you don't have. Or number three, how about it's someone that believes in your growth, not your excuses, girl? You need someone who wants you to win, but won't let you settle in the wrestle. How about someone that values your confidentiality? What you share in rehab stays in rehab. Gossip doesn't heal, it harms. How about a woman that lives by fruit, not just feelings? You want someone who actually practices discernment and wisdom in their own life. And yes, sometimes you want a counselor or a therapist. You see, my experience, I have found a good Christian counselor can actually help you dig deeper, heal patterns, and stay anchored when your emotions want to hijack the process. Now, listen, I do realize that there are some of you who are already in a relationship, and accountability, I'm gonna tell you, matters even more. That's where I want to recommend a book I actually worked through myself called Too Close Too Soon, Avoiding the Heartache of Premature Intimacy. And it was written by John Talley and Bobby Reed. Don't worry, I will have in the description notes a link to this book. It's an old school book, I warn you, but it's still good stuff. Now listen, I got this with a guy I was dating, and let's just call this guy Love Bomb Larry, who claimed to be a former pastor at a well-known local church. And he wanted, he said he wanted to grow with me. Even took, so we I went ahead and bought this book for this, this book for us, okay? And he even took a selfie at the pool of himself reading the book. Then the man ghosted me the next week. Mm-hmm. So let me tell you, that's accountability. That is the kind of red flag that this book will help you spot. And since you're building for your future, whether you're single or in a relationship, another old school excellent resource is love and respect, the love she most deserves, and the respect he desperately needs by Dr. Emerson Egricks. So this book dives into how love and respect work in healthy relationships, and it actually gives you tools to gauge where you stand. So here's a quick reflection exercise before we move forward. And I hope you got your journals and pen handy. So listen, I want you one to write down the top three people you trust to speak truth into your life. Two, then I want you to circle one of them and tell her or him today, I need you to be my rehab sponsor in this season. And three, give him or her permission, preferably a her, you're gonna want. Give them permission to call you out when you're about to fall for a counterfeit. And listen, ladies, if you're already in a relationship, you can also bring accountability into it very slowly, slow things down, ask questions together, maybe from the book I mentioned, wink wink. And listen, if he resists accountability, that is a red flag right there. Because a man who's serious about you should also be serious about truth. So remember this isolation is where deception grows. Accountability is where truth gets a voice. And you don't need more lies right now, okay? You need more truth. So speaking of truth, in just a moment, we are going to pull back the curtain on counterfeits, what they look like, what they sound like, and how they act. Because listen, sister, you can't spot kingdom love if you don't know how to recognize the fake first. So this is these are questions you're going to be asking yourself. Is this a counterfeit or a kingdom? Does this person pull me towards peace or push me into pressure? Because listen, feelings will fool you, but fruit will tell you the truth. So let's move on into that section. Counterfeit versus kingdom. So now that we've got accountability in place, let's talk about what you're actually guarding yourself against. And that's the counterfeits. See, counterfeits, they don't show up looking shady. No, they show up shiny. They look good, they sound good, maybe even smell good. I know my guys did. But they're not the real thing. They're knockoffs off of kingdom love. And if you don't know how to tell the difference, you will waste your time, your energy, and sometimes even your future on a fake. And that's what I call takers and time wasters. So, what does a counterfeit look like, sound like, act like? Well, here are some of the red flags to watch for. Okay, his interests at first didn't line up with yours, but suddenly he's into everything that you're into. That's not growth, that's imitation. He promises you the world, says he'll take care of you and your kids, then suddenly changes his mind when reality hits. He spoils you, overcompliments you, FaceTimes, and texts you all the time, but never asks real questions about you. It's all about how you make him feel. He talks about himself all the time, talks himself up but avoids accountability. He says he'll go to church with you, but Sunday rolls around and then there's suddenly always an excuse. He'll start out talking about prayer in his first text, may even do one. But then he looks at you sideways when you pray over the food at dinner. You share your testimony and he gets testy with you, or just stares off into space like he's not even listening. Or he gets mad when you ask him simple questions about his day, like honesty is too much work? Seriously. Or he says he wants to take it slow, but then pressures you to move faster. He talks about the future like it's a fairy tale, but avoids dealing with the present day, reality of Bill's kids, or commitment. He says he knows God, but when you listen closely, his words and his lifestyle, they don't exactly match. Or he wants you to play marriage now, expecting wifey benefits without covenant commitment. I could go on, and there are so many different scenarios. This is just a few. You see, because counterfeits, they talk covenant before they show character. And let me slide in a sister-to-sister caveat here for your protection. So if you are dating someone and you are listening, don't just trust what he tells you. Might I suggest that you run a background check. Do your homework before your feelings go home with him. Okay, so here's where I'm gonna tap into my past. Remember that pastor I told you about? Yeah, the one that claimed to be a former pastor at a well-known local church. He even agreed to read that too close too soon book with me. Mm-hmm. Then you know he kind of ghosted me. Well, when I finally ran a background check on him, which listen, I should have done first. I am going to suggest y'all do that. Duh, I did not. I found out he had six kids he never mentioned. I said six. You know how I found out? His ex's Facebook came up in the background report I pulled, and there it was. When I found it, when I went to her Facebook, an Easter picture. One, two, three, four, five, six kids lined up smiling and matching outfits. That's why I'm telling you, this isn't just a dating series, it's rehab. And a part of rehab is facing the hard realities. Listen, to my own story, so you don't have to live them out in yours. That's what we're doing here. So let's flip it though. We've spotted what some of the counterfeits look and sound like, but do we know what kingdom love looks and sounds like? Some of us probably don't because we've never even experienced it before or had it as an example in our own life. So it looks like his life bears fruit. There's consistency, integrity, generosity, faithfulness. He's a good steward of what's been given. It sounds like he prays with you and for you, not just about you. He listens when you share your heart. His words actually match his walk. Acts like he protects your boundaries instead of pushing past them. He honors your singleness, your kids, your time, and your future. He respects your time and he doesn't need to see you all day, every day to prove his feelings. He listens and actually learns more about you instead of just performing for you. He's close to his friends and family, not isolated and shady, and he even invites you to come around them. He knows who he is, he knows what he wants, and doesn't play guessing games. He's not afraid to disagree with you respectfully because kingdom love doesn't require pretending, it requires honesty. He welcomes accountability and community instead of hiding from it. Here's how it may feel like it's peace, safety, freedom. You're not anxious, guessing, or walking on eggshells. You're steady, seen, and supported. And here's the part that actually might surprise you. Kingdom love may feel uncomfortable at first. Well, why is that? That's because it's different. It's not what you've used to. And if you've been addicted to the highs and lows of counterfeit love, peace might actually feel boring at first. You may even want to run back to what you know, chaos. Because sis, don't mistake peace for lack of passion. Peace is the presence of God in your relationship. So here's the bottom line: counterfeit creates pressure. Kingdom brings peace. Counterfeit drains your soul, kingdom restores it. Counterfeit pulls you away from Christ, but kingdom draws you closer to him. Counterfeit love is like a fast food. It's quick, cheap, and feels good for the moment, but it leaves you sick, unsatisfied, and craving more junk. But kingdom love, oh no, on the other hand, it's like a feast. It takes preparation, it takes patience. But when you sit down at the table, it nourishes you, sustains you, and leaves you full. And don't forget, ladies, I'm going to remind you from episode one of your vision. Remember picturing your wedding day, the aisle, the dress, the I dos? That vision is kingdom. And sis, you don't get there by chasing counterfeits. You get there by waiting for peace, for fruit, and alignment with God's truth. So here's your rehab step for this week. The next time you feel yourself catching feelings, you need to stop and ask, is this fast food or a feast? Is this a counterfeit or kingdom? Does this pull me towards peace or push me into pressure? Because feelings will fool you, but fruit will tell you the truth. Sex and soul ties. All right, ladies, let's rehab one step deeper. We are going there. So we have talked about counterfeits, we have talked about kingdom, but now we have got to have the talk about sex. I'm not leaving it out. So here's the truth. Sex is never just physical, it's spiritual, it's emotional, and it bonds you in ways you can't always see at first. And here's what I mean by that. The Bible says that two become one, and that's not just poetry, it's a picture of the soul tie that forms when you give yourself away. And here's why this matters in rehab. Every counterfeit you give yourself to sexually leaves a residue. It's like spiritual velcro, okay? Think about it that way. Even when the relationship ends, pieces of them stick to you, and pieces of you stick to them. I know that sounds gross, but this is a spiritual thing happening in the spiritual realm, okay? And then you might find yourself wondering why you can't move on, why you're anxious or why you're still thinking about a man who ghosted you six months ago. Are some of you there right now? Who am I talking to? And let's back it up with a little science here. Back it up. Okay, so science says when a woman has sex, her brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Now, God designed it to help a mother bond with her baby and a wife bond with her husband. But outside of covenant, it leaves you bonded to someone who was never meant to stay. That's why, my ladies, sex can feel so much heavier for a woman. And here's the kicker: women and men don't bond the same way. For most women, the order of bonding is emotional first, then spiritual, then physical. For men, it's flipped. A man can have sex without emotional bonding, without spiritual alignment, and walk away like nothing happened. Ever been there before? I hope most of you haven't, but my guess is you have. But for a woman, the moment physical intimacy happens, you know it, girl, the emotional floodgates open. Your heart set on the fire for him, even if the relationship had no foundation. That's why it feels so confusing because your biology is literally working against your boundaries, girl. So now let me speak to the woman who's listening right now, and you're already in a situation ship or a relationship, whatever. Maybe you've already crossed the line. Maybe you've been sleeping together, and now you're wondering if this thing is even real. Hear me out. I'm not shaming you, first of all. But hear me, as a sister, I'm talking to you. This isn't about shame, this is about clarity. Use this as a rehab checkpoint. If you're serious about him, slow it down. Bring in accountability, get premarital counseling through your church. Put the relationship under the light of truth and see what it really is. If it is kingdom, it will stand. If it's counterfeit, the light will expose it. And here's the difference. Okay, counterfeit sex, and I'm we're talking about this. I know that apart from God's perfect design, we shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to talk into this if some of you are in this place right now. Counterfeit sex feeds feelings but leaves you empty. It's passion without purpose, chemistry without covenant, chaos disguise disguised, listen, excuse me, as connection. Kingdom intimacy is safe, holy, and restorative. It's not about pressure or performance, it's about peace, protection, and partnership. And it is within the confines of marriage if we're talking about sexual intimacy. You can be intimate with a partner in other ways, um, just not sexually. So this bears repeating again. If you've already crossed the lines, this isn't about condemnation, okay? It's about caring. Rehab doesn't shame you where you've been, it helps you get free from what has been holding you. There's grace, there's forgiveness, and there is power in breaking unhealthy soul ties through prayer, accountability, and truth. So let me ask you this. Are you carrying pieces of people who were never meant to walk into your future with you? Are you trying to build kingdom with leftover crumbs from a counterfeit? So here's your rehab step. I want you to pray specifically for God to cut every tie that doesn't belong. Name the person out loud in your prayer, and you must do this prayer out loud. Release them back to God and ask him to restore every part of your heart, mind, body, and soul that you gave away. And if you're in a relationship right now and both of you want to get back on track, don't just listen to me talk about it. Pray this together. Let God reset your relationship to his design. Here's a prayer for a rely, listen, here's a prayer for realignment as a couple. Father God, we come before you together today, admitting that we haven't always followed your design for love and intimacy. We confess that we've crossed lines and made choices that weren't your best for us. And we ask for your forgiveness and grace. Lord Jesus, we don't want to build this relationship on feelings, pressure, or compromise. We want to build it on you. Teach us how to love each other in a way that honors you first, restore purity where it's been lost, reset our hearts, our minds, and our bodies to follow your design. Help us to set healthy boundaries, to walk in honesty, and to invite accountability. Give us the courage to slow down where we need to, and the wisdom to know if this relationship is truly from you. We commit this relationship into your hands. God, if it is of you, strengthen it. It is, but if it is not, give us the strength to release it. And above all, let your will be done in our lives and let Christ always be at the center. In Jesus' name, amen. Because listen, ladies, your worth isn't in who touched you. Your worth is in who created you. And he calls you chosen, whole, and his. I know that was a lot. This is a long podcast for us. We haven't done one in a while this long. So before you go, I want you to remember that rehab is not about staying comfortable, it's about getting clean. So let's recap. A few truths to take with you this week. Counterfeit talks covenant before they show character. Feelings will fool you, but fruit will tell you the truth. And counterfeit creates pressure. Kingdom brings peace. Write them down. Post them where you'll see them on your bathroom mirror, your car dashboard, your steering wheel, and set them as daily reminders on your phone. And hey, don't keep this to yourself. Share this episode with a friend who's dating and who wants rehab in her own heart. Now, don't use it to shame a sister, okay? This is to raise a sister and don't come all at her like, well, Sherry says blah blah blah. No, you extend her grace. And better yet, how about you start a little relationship rehab group chat with your girls and go through this series together? And if you got teens, how about you share this with them before they start dating so they can learn these truths now instead of learning them the hard way later? Now don't forget we have our 24-hour prayer line. It's always open at 855-822 Pray. If you need someone to pray with you or over your relationship, we are here. And for my cold turkey crew, keep going. If you relapse, reset. If you slipped, stand back up. Every step towards truth is progress. Now, let me give you a little tease of where we're headed next week in episode three of Relationship Rehab. We're going deeper. Mm-hmm. Like we couldn't, you thought we couldn't. Oh well, here we are. We're gonna go deeper, and that's gonna be where are you planted in your field. We're gonna talk about roots, fruit, and how to make sure you're not sowing seeds in a bad soil. Because what you plant now is exactly what you will harvest later. So until then, stay singular, stay rooted, and remember, you don't have to settle for fast food. Love when God has prepared a feast. Ladies, we are in this together, so don't fall for feelings. Have a wonderful week and remember it's a single mom thing, and not the single thing that stops you. Thanks for listening to It's a Single Mom Thing. I hope you enjoyed our time together. If you have more questions on how to have a relationship with Jesus or need prayer, visit us at www.shepardsvillage.com backslash prayer. For more information and resources, check out our show notes.

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Sherry Chandler

Host