A Storied Table

Permission | Saying No (and Actually Liking It)

• Amy Kathleen Smith • Season 5 • Episode 67

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Text me! Tell me something good!

What if the peace you’re desperate for isn’t about doing more, but about giving yourself permission to do less?

Because let’s be honest—life can feel like a treadmill set a few speeds too high. In this episode, I share the real (and sometimes funny) ways I learned to breathe, and reset. Think "yellow dinners", imperfect school projects, and even a car nap at swim practice.

It turns out, giving yourself permission might be the very thing that brings back peace, joy, and the ability to actually savor the life right in front of you.

*New this week!* 

I love sharing things I've found or come across with friends. It's what we do, right? I've decided to use the end of each episode (or at least most episodes) to tell you about or connect you with those things. 

And to stay on the trend with the typical flow of what all we talk about here... there will likely be no rhyme or reason of when, how, or what I might share. Yet again, you can bank on total randomness. But, it'll be fun! 

Please feel free to send me any ideas you have or things you love for me to check out and share with everyone here. I'd love to hear about them!

Hosts: Amy Kathleen Smith | Insta @astoriedtable | www.astoriedtable.com

Edited by: Ben Hill* | http://benhillsound.com/ | https://www.linkedin.com/in/benhillsound/

*starting with episode 60


SPEAKER_00:

Life happens at the table, like in those rare family dinners when everyone's actually home, or when you finally get to go and catch up with your friends. We don't get enough of those. Those moments that we all wish would happen more often. But that's the feel that I want here. That place where you get to finally shift out of survival mode. So what do we talk about here? Nothing? Everything? A little randomness? You know, the kind of nothing that turns into everything good. Sometimes it'll be just us here, and sometimes a friend will join. Welcome to a story table. I'm Amy Kathleen, and I'm so glad you're here. Hey, I don't know where you're listening from right now, but I'm looking at my window right now, and this is the best little rainstorm kind of a day. I literally just told Luke yesterday morning, I said, Luke, I need fall to come because just like somebody gets hangry when they're hungry, I don't know what the version of that is for I am tired of this Louisiana heat, but that's where I'm at. That's where I'm at. I need some fall. I'm ready for some fall. And I'm kind of hopeful that just watching this rainstorm today that uh falls on the way. I don't know why I correlate the two, but I do. I don't know if you can hear it or not, but every once in a while the thunder will roll and it just, oh, I don't know, something soothing about it. I wish that I was like laid up with a cozy blanket and everything, but no, I was at a forum where several of the high schools from our city come to our school and they get to do a presentation for each of them. It's really informative and I'm actually very appreciative of all the options that we have. But man, that was long. That was really long. I really would have much rather be piled up on my couch or something, you know, a lazy day. Can we have a lazy day? That would be really good. I think we could all use one. That's what we need. We need a permission slip for a lazy day. Do y'all remember permission slips? I used to love getting one because you know it meant that you got to get out of school or whatever it is that you got to miss that you wouldn't normally want to go to, I guess. Well, forever ago, I was a part of the ballet company that was in like a small city that was not far from my little hometown. And every year, the ballet company would put together these Christmas um productions. They rotated around every four years, and then we got to a point where we did nutcracker every other year. But I always loved it because it got mixed up. You know, we weren't doing nutcracker every year. Anyway, so besides the point. But whenever we would have this week of performances, we got a permission slip and we got to miss school for the entire week for these school performances. What we would do is from Monday through Friday, we had about three performances a day, I think. I was trying to think if it was four, but I really that seems like a stretch. Because what it was is all the area elementary schools would come and bring their kids to watch these performances of the ballet company. It was a really, really great outreach opportunity. And so anyway, we did three performances a day, I think, um, Monday through Friday. And then we had like the two performances that wrapped everything up on Saturday. But y'all, that was the like kind of the best week of the year for me, uh, of the school year at least. And I thought it was really cool because, you know, that week when you're a younger dancer in the company, you know, you don't have a really big role, and your role is pretty much only in like one section of it. And so we would sit back there and just have the best time with our friends. I mean, we sat back and we we played so many card games and we ate all the snacks. There was like this committee of moms who basically had the snack table and lunches and everything, and it was just always there. So we just snacked like crazy. Um, you know, as young girls, we're, you know, I think at the earliest when I joined the ballet company, I was probably, I don't know, maybe nine or 10. I think 10 maybe. I'm not sure. I can't remember. No, I was older than that. I think it was like 11 or 12. Anyway, but at that age, you're able to start wearing this stage makeup. And um, we would probably go back there and just retouch up our stage makeup for like the 10,000th time in a day. Um, sometimes we would go down to the, you know, study room, which really was kind of a joke because none of us went down there to do our makeup school work. We really just went to hang out with our friends. But anyway, it was such a cool, cool year or week of the year. And um I remember that when I was in sixth grade, I had started junior high, which apparently is called middle school now. When did it switch from junior high to middle school? Did anyone else notice that? Because when I grew up, it was junior high. But when I was in sixth grade, I remember my English teacher finding out. And when she asked about um, or she was talking about it, and I raised my hand, I was like, I'm actually gonna be in the performance. She was so proud. She was so proud. And I was like, oh, I didn't realize it was that big a deal. But it made me so proud to have this teacher excited that I was gonna be part of that production. And then the next year, whenever I was in seventh grade, I had the social studies teacher. Of course, he was a coach, because I'm pretty sure all social studies teachers were coaches at one point. Um, he gave me the week off of homework. Like I didn't have any makeup class work, I didn't have any homework. Um, everyone in the class was so upset at him. And he was like, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give her this break because she's serving the community. And again, I was like, oh, I didn't realize it was that big a deal. This is pretty cool. So that permission slip, it just came with so many perks that I never even really considered as I was just looking at it as I'm excited that I get to skip school for a week and hang out with my friends backstage because that was just a fun place to be. Can you think of something cool that you got to do as a kid that basically was like your permission slip to get out of something? I'm pretty sure it was, oh gosh, not that long ago, probably a few years ago, that I think as an adult, I if somebody handed me a permission slip, I'd have been all for it. A few years ago, we were just at this point where I feel like our whole family was just stretched thin. You know, it wasn't just my schedule. Um, or oh can y'all hear that? That's a thunder rolling. God, I hope it picks up. It's so good. I love a rainstorm. Okay, sorry, sidetracked. But um, yeah, at the time, like my workload was just probably, if I'm looking at it, probably unhealthy, just wasn't great. It was bleeding over into life everywhere. And then you had this added stress of being a part of this sandwich generation. Have y'all heard that term before? The sandwich generation. I actually um I was referencing it in my own head because I was thinking about something I heard a friend say at one point in a conversation, and she mentioned it. And I got the concept, but I actually went online just a minute ago to see what it actually um, well, what Google says about it. And here's what Google says about it says the sandwich generation, it refers to middle-aged adults who are simultaneously raising their own children and caring for their aging parents, placing them in a dual caregiving role that can lead to significant financial, emotional, and physical stress. How many of you listening right now can relate? So I think so many of us are absolutely in that sandwich generation. There were just so many things that were pulling me and our family in so many different directions. And I honestly think that we were just living life up to our necks and should. You know, I've mentioned this whole idea of should before in the podcast, but the pressure that comes with that word should is just it's unreasonable. And for me, I feel like that word should always came with two big bags of luggage. One was guilt and one was shame. And it was hard to close both of them because they were both filled to the brim with them. But after working with a life coach for a season, and I think y'all have heard me talk about Brittany before, she was phenomenal. And she really did help me with that first real big shift I needed to start looking at life through a different lens. And it was one that honestly, like so many of the things that she brought to mind or helped me understand, they were things that didn't even seem like they were even possible at the time. After working with her, I decided that I was gonna go through a season of just saying no. Y'all probably heard this before. Maybe some of y'all have dabbled there. I hope that many of y'all are even better at it than me. But there was something about saying no and just having to like turn down either opportunities or, you know, my no might actually be someone else's yes. And and it all could work out in a better way anyway. So, anyway, but so many times when I would have to decline or say no or just, you know, say I'm sorry, I can't, really and truly, um, it felt weird. It sometimes it just felt like awkward and and sometimes it even just felt wrong. I mean, like again, baggages of like shame and guilt, you know. But finally I started realizing that like saying no, once I was able to kind of look back after I'd started doing it for a little bit, it actually gave me permission to breathe again. I mean, like literally. I found myself like when we were in that season of just stretched so thin that I would just do this thing or, you know, I'm just trying to grab my breath all the time. Like it was a real thing. It was a total reaction that I was having. And when I finally started stepping back and slowing down and saying no, I was able to really just breathe. I didn't find myself catching my breath so much. And really and truly, I felt like I wasn't quite so flustered all the time. And so when I noticed these things, you know what I did do? I started allowing myself, like giving myself the permission to just stay in that season of no a little bit longer than I initially expected that I would. And I learned to do less and I kind of learned to be okay with it. Um, I actually started prioritizing rest. You know, I hear people all the time that talk about Sabbath and Sabbath rest. I'm gonna be honest with you, I have not totally wrapped my head around that idea. Um, maybe I'll get there one day. Maybe I will, but let's just put it this way I did actually start prioritizing rest and stopped telling myself that I was just being lazy. But for me, I feel like that's a step towards Sabbath, right? Like that's that's a step towards that, like finding the rest that your body needs. So I I consider that a win. I put that in my win column. Okay, I think one of the best examples I can give you of what this looked like one time was I took, I leaned my car seat back in the parking lot at swim and I took a 15-minute nap in the car because there was in that year a little overlap time where the boys' two swim practices overlapped for about 15 minutes. And I straight up laid back in the car and just zonked out. Now, when my alarm go went off and I pulled my seat back up, I was like, okay, let's do it. We can go again. And so there was a part of me that kind of felt bad, like, oh my gosh, like no one gets to take a nap in the middle of the day. But that day, like I had a wall and I couldn't really go further. So I was thankful for that 15 minutes. Here's what's funny. It wasn't much longer. Maybe it was a few days, weeks, months, I don't know. But one of my very best friends pulls up next to me and she's getting the car, and you could just see she's in zombie mode. Like she is just hustling kids and getting off work and running and doing this thing and that thing. And she got back on her car and her head literally just hit the back of her chair. And I sat there and I looked at her for a minute and I was like, Oh, she's about to be out. And y'all, she didn't move for like that same 15 minutes of time. And it was, I was just sitting there going, Oh, she needed that. She needed just like I needed that. And it's like, how many other mamas out there need permission to just be able to, like, okay, I've got a second here? And then once I get this little cadnap in, I can, I can rise and fight again. But you know, how many times would we give ourselves a hard time about that? Maybe it's just me. I don't know. Do you do that? Do you give yourself a hard time when you allow yourself to kind of rest and relax? I'm totally guilty. Here's another benefit that I found from finally just learning to say know and dial it back a notch is I actually started savoring things more. That's kind of weird to say. There's gotta be a better way to say that. But I actually like stopped to enjoy certain things more. You know, I mean, heck, like me watching the rain today. Like that's something I would have done. I just would have kept plowing through my day instead of like stopping to notice things. And another thing was that I just stopped rushing everywhere. And maybe it is because I wasn't agreeing to try to help here, here, here, and here and try to make it all fit into the time. It's like me saying no actually gave a little bit more time on our schedule that I wasn't racing everywhere anymore. I wasn't coming in hot and on two wheels constantly. Like that's no, it still happens, don't get me wrong. But for the most part, like I stopped rushing around everywhere. And here's another thing. I noticed this is gonna be a true honest moment right now, but like when I dialed it back and our life simmered down a little bit again, y'all actually liked being around my kids more. Am I allowed to say that out loud? It's the truth. It's the truth. When I kind of took a step back, I enjoyed, I found myself laughing more with the kids. Um, I found myself just kind of not getting bent out of shape, just kind of taking things as they come and um and and actually finding like the joy in it. I also shifted from just feeling guilty all the time to actually feeling thankful for the opportunity for the 15-minute nap. You know, uh found myself, you know, feeling less guilty and more thankful that I could go and grab a coffee or lunch with a friend. And one of the biggest things that, oh, okay, so here we go. Um whenever Jess and I closed down the collective uh a couple years ago, y'all, it took me quite a bit to figure out kind of what is my next move. And y'all, some of y'all who've been listening have heard this before, but I I really didn't think that I would shift back into, you know, this stay-at-home mom housewife scenario again. That just, I didn't think that was gonna be possible. I I it just wasn't on my radar as a possibility. So it also wasn't on my radar or something I wanted, you know. I was enjoying the work that I was doing, and I figured it would just take um on in a different role. So anyway, once I finally realized that, you know, God had different plans, because that seems to happen a lot, apparently. Um, I went through this season of just having so much guilt about um being at home again. And at some point, you know, it took a bit, but I felt like I eventually gave in and was okay with the idea of refocusing back on the family. And then that's when I found that just gratitude again. Gratitude that I could focus on my family, that I was allowed to have the time and the bandwidth to pour back into them. And y'all, it it happened in a time where I didn't realize it it was, it was such perfect timing because I then had the time to help my kids in new and different ways than they needed in the past. Um, to be able to help um our extended family, you know, my parents, um there were just so many things that did open up because I did close that door and uh and finally became okay with, you know, not working anymore. And so there was just such guilt that was associated with that, that then just turned into, you know, that gratitude and that thankfulness. And I'm glad for that finally. It took a while. Man, it took a while to get me there. It's kind of amazing when you allow this whole idea of, you know, slowing down to happen and and going into a season of saying no or just, I guess maybe just dialing it back. Um, there's another thing that I have noticed that was associated with it. And that was this letting go of perfection. You know, um, I wouldn't necessarily always call myself a perfectionist, but I got a hefty dose of that in me. And um I finally just started realizing that I was starting to let go a little bit more, not necessarily all the time, but in certain scenarios where I finally could zoom out and be like, this doesn't matter. And one of those was watching Anderson turn in a summer book project. Y'all, it was pitiful. Like it was, it was done. It was done okay. It was not done well. And if if you're going, you know, for an exceptional, no, it was nowhere near exceptional. And I was like, you know what? It's okay. I am not gonna worry about that. It is a fifth grader's book report. It is not going to impact his college decision making or career choice or anything. Like, I am letting it go. It does not matter. As like, as long as you're okay with taking full ownership, when you turn that into your teacher, I'm good. It's yours, not mine. Another thing is um, and realizing that sometimes you're just gonna have a yellow dinner. Do y'all know what a yellow dinner is? So um a lot of kids who have um aversions to different foods, or um sometimes you call them pickyaters, or you know, if it's sometimes you're dealing with more serious um diagnoses that kind of lead to food aversions, but this is a world that I have been in for quite some time and wrestled through. But there's a term that a lot of the therapists that you'll work with call it, and it's a yellow dinner. Because if you think about it, the easy go-to foods for kids, like look at any kid's menu. It's all yellow. It's mac and cheese, it's a grilled cheese sandwich, it's chicken nuggets or chicken fingers, um, it's corn, it's uh butter noodles, like everything's yellow. So sometimes I realize like it is okay if your family has a yellow dinner. And every once in a while, it is okay for your kids to nuke their own dinner because you and your husband are gonna go get a burger and a beer because your marriage kind of depends on it at that moment. Sometimes you just have to zoom out and realize what does matter, what doesn't matter, and yellow dinners and them being able to microwave their own chicken pot pie so that you and dad can go have a moment to pull your marriage together again. That's important. That's the important thing. So um it was just it was great to kind of, you know, not only slow down, but kind of let go of certain things that uh didn't really amount to Hill beans. I had this really great friend. She's really smart. Sometimes I have to really kind of think about what she's saying because it's so deep. And sometimes it's not terms or scenarios I'm usually used to dealing with. I don't know. Sometimes it's like talking to a college professor, honestly. Um, and my my 40-some odd year old brain is not really, you know, in that mode anymore. But anyway, she's extremely smart. And one of the things that she would tell me, or one of the things that we would talk about, is learning um, you know, when you have capacity for things and when you don't. And sometimes that's like in a moment, and then sometimes that's like in a season of life. And I just kind of was like, no, you have to always say yes, you know. And then as I kind of got into this new frame of mind, I'm like, oh, capacity. Oh, what do you have room for and what don't you have room for? And sometimes I do have the bandwidth to take on that project or volunteer in that way. Um, and sometimes I'm not. And sometimes I have the the bandwidth to pick up that person's phone call. And sometimes it's been a draining day and realizing it's okay if you don't. And I don't know about you, but like I have to have outside people remind me of these things because I normally would not give myself permission to. I would just think, oh, well, you have to. You've been asked, so you have to. They called, so you have to answer. So because of that whole like should or like you have to mindset that I was in, I started realizing that like I had a lot of pearls going to pigs. Um, do y'all get that reference? Sorry. That's something a couple of my friends and I talk about. And it's a reference from the Bible. It's um, oh gosh, I'm gonna blank here, but um, it's in the gospels, maybe Sermon on the Mount. But basically it's the idea of like casting your pearls to pigs. You know, pearls, pigs don't need pearls. Pigs may not even want pearls or care about them. So why would you cast your pearls to pigs? And it's sometimes it's just wasted because it's not really received, you know? And so then you get to kind of realize, like, oh, actually, I like I said earlier, your no can be someone else's yes, or sometimes your no is just that person's no and they got to figure it out for themselves. That seems like a lot of harsh, harsh realities. But you know, this whole thing was not just easy. It wasn't. It wasn't easy, but it's just the realizations that you have, like when you're being really real with yourself, that sometimes I can just take a step back and I can refocus on what matters and then like rebuild it and then start inching back out again. And realizing that like all that talk about boundaries that I've heard for years, finally starting to realize that maybe those are something I've actually needed for a long time to help all of this kind of come together. I just realized that life just became so much more peaceful, you know, for the most part. Life's still crazy. I mean, I live with three boys, but it got calmer, you know, and and it all came like after I learned to just give myself permission to chill out. So I don't know. Do you need do you need a permission slip to chill out? I'm sure I have like several that I should, I should print these out and be like, hey, here's your free downloadable. Go find it. It's your permission slip to chill out. Your family will appreciate it. Mine did. Mine sure did. I think they see that I am lighter, I'm happier, and that's made them happier for sure. So, you know, that whole saying about mama being happy, it's not lying. So you giving yourself permission. It doesn't have to be all dramatic. It doesn't have to be this grand exit or anything like that. It's just basically, you know, allowing yourself the ability to just breathe, to do less and to savor what's actually in front of you right now, you know, saying no, slowing down, letting go perfection, just setting some boundaries. It's all about finding room to live without running yourself ragged. And I feel like there are so many of us that are just in that stage of life where you just run ragged all the time. It's like your normal go-to. It's like your cruise control. And I realized I don't like that cruise control at all. So the more you give yourself that space, the more you realize that peace was there the whole time. That calm that you've been wanting, it's actually there. It's at your fingertips. Even when life still feels messy sometimes because it is messy and it's gonna be crazy. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Now, I can't tell you that I'm the person to tell you exactly how to do this step by step. Like that's I'm just here to let you know that I've been there and I've noticed a change. I'm liking this change and I'm trying to maintain it. And I just figure that, you know, you probably might need to hear the same thing. So um, if you're ever curious, like, you know, who I've spoken to or where I got guidance from or like learned about all this stuff or, you know, whatever, then I'm an open book. You know, just reach out and ask because I'll I'll I'll share whatever I got. But um, this is definitely not a how to podcast. This is a, hey, are you there too? Because I am, or I was, and how do we get through this? So uh just one of these random conversations we just keep seeming to be having on this podcast. But I hope today was uh was good for you. Um, and that you do realize that like you get to have permission. You're a grown woman. Find a different way. Like if you're in the struggle bus, like you can get off. I'm literally here to tell you it's possible and uh it's actually more fun. You laugh a bit more, and that's nice. Okay, before we get out of here, I've had this idea that I wanted to share with you. I love the idea of you know letting your friends know of the great things you've come across or found. Um, because I feel like some of the best referrals or ideas or I don't know, shortcuts or suggestions, new people to follow on Instagram, even, you know, recipes, the things that we just share as women, just the stuff we tell each other. I've decided I want to have like a little section at the end of this podcast. I guess we can call it a segment if we want to be official, but I figured I'm just gonna use this as a place to share cool stuff with y'all that I discover. These days it seems like AI, Chat GBT, it's all over the place, right? Okay, I have found one of the best mind-blowing ways to use it. If you have kids who are even little bitty, uh starting their early vocabulary or high school students who have a study guide or um vocabulary, whatever it is, and you need an easy way for them to study. This is something that Smith actually helped me figure out because I didn't even know Chat GBT did this, but it was a mind-blowing moment for me. All right, so here's what I did. I for this example, I had a study guide of Luke's, and I was getting ready to type up every question into Quizlet.com. If y'all aren't familiar with Quizlet, it's just a great little way to study online for tests, quizzes. It gives you flashcards or matching, and uh I think you can even do practice tests, but it helps you create study guides and everything too. Um, Quizlet is not paying me for this, by the way. This is just a referral from one friend to another. So we used to use Quizlet.com for a lot of things. And so I was getting ready. We were on a road trip, and I was gonna start typing in each of the 40 questions that were on the study guide. I was not looking forward to it. And Smith looks at me, he goes, You know, you can probably just take a picture of that and upload it and then tell it to create a file for you that will like is compatible with Quizlet, like a file that you can upload onto Quizlet. I said, if you are correct, you're gonna be the smartest man alive right now, and I'm gonna love you so much. He's like, That might be the first time you ever said anything like that to me. He's probably you're right. It worked, y'all. It worked. Oh my gosh, it worked so easy, and I have been using it. And this fall, getting into school, we've had some trials and some, you know, it's not been easy, I'll tell you that. But I've been using this whole thing of like taking a picture or a file, even like a PowerPoint presentation, uploading it into Chat GPT, and then ask it to clean up the notes and give me a study guide for it, or give me a file that I can upload to Quizlet. And it has just streamlined everything and it only takes like a few minutes. So um, if you want to try this, go for it. If you have no idea what I'm talking about and you need more information, just reach out to me and let me know. But y'all, this has been such a game changer for us, and it has taken a lot of the um the grunt work out of just trying to give kids the support they need. So that is my tidbit for today. And uh I hope it's helpful. And I just figured I'd use this time to just share with y'all whatever I come across. Um, or if any of you have some great ideas or have come across things that you think other people should know about, just DM me or email me, um, reach out and let me know. Oh, we also have that text feature. You know, I think I talk about it in the outro. So um you can always text me any ideas that you have as well, and I can drop them here too. I just thought it would be fun, something fun to share with everybody. All right, guys. Y'all have a great week, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for being here today. I cannot wait to hear back from you. For you to just come tell me something good. I have no doubt that you have so much good stuff to fill me in on. And this season we have a new feature to help you do that. You can now text me by clicking the tell me something good button that's at the top of our show notes. Or if you're old school, that's totally fine. You can always DM me on Instagram at a story table. Either way, I'm excited to hear from you. But until then, have a great week and y'all take care.