Victoria Volk  0:00  
Hey, hey, hey, thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. If this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. And if you've been listening all the while, for our over two years, thank you so much for sticking around and listening to today's episode, which is episode 122. And I'm going to be talking about the episode with Kimberly and Scott and Cristian. This is a takeaways and reflections episode, where I'm going to dive in a little deeper into a few topics that I would like to highlight from those episodes. But before I do just want to give a little update as to what's been happening in my neck of the woods. If you've been listening for a while that my son had an accident back in November of 2021. And it's still an ongoing process, he's still somewhat healing I was I say somewhat because technically, his pancreas is still necrotizing, which really means it's dying. But in the process of the pancreas dying, he experiences vomiting from time to time still. And so we're just watching it, and he will be having another CT or MRI coming up here in a few months. And so we will see where things stand at that time. So I just wanted to thank you for any well wishes that you've sent his way. And I will continue to keep you updated on that front.

 And other news, if you follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, you may have seen a couple of hints here and there of or if you follow my newsletter, actually, if you have signed up for my newsletter, The unleashed letters, which is a bi-weekly newsletter I send every other Wednesday. If you follow there, too, you may have seen some rumblings of a launch that's coming up. I will be starting a group program on November 30, 2022, if it's later when you're listening to this. And if you would like to stay in the know when of all the happenings with that and be the first to know when you can register. Sign up for my newsletter. That's the easiest way to keep up to date. 

And in other news, it's just been jumping from fast applications and college stuff for our son to volleyball games which have been quite a few of those lately in client work and so it's never a dull moment in the Volk household these days. Which is why I've had to cut back on the takeaways and reflection episodes just because obviously, it does take more time because I'm having to create new content whereas, it's a lot easier for me to edit an interview that had already been pre-recorded. So I've worked on some takeaways and reflection episodes throughout the rest of this year. And the schedule is already set through the end of this year. And so there are a few more takeaways and reflection episodes to come and some amazing guests yet to listen to. So I look forward to sharing those before a little bit of a break after the holidays. 


So let's get into today's episode though, where I want to first highlight something from Kimberly's episode and if you haven't listened like which is what I always say on the takeaways and reflections episode, but if you have not listened to Episode 119 with Kimberly Bell, Episode 120 with Scott Lucio, or episode 121 with Christian Christian de la Huerta, I highly encourage you to listen. There were such every guest brings such a unique perspective and story to this podcast, which is why I love sharing the stories. And I love to dive a little deeper into maybe a thought that they shared or an important message that I feel is related to the episode, the original episode that I think I just want to dive deeper into. And so that's kind of where I want to go to Day. 

And with Kimberly's episode, one of the things that I jotted down as I was editing was that if we believe our stories and our experiences are so unique, that no one could possibly understand, we are setting ourselves up for more suffering and disappointment. And what I mean by that is, is anyone truly going to understand what you've been through? Absolutely not. Because you are, in your own story, you have lived that story, you have lived that experience, and no one else has. And so if we focus on that aspect of no one knows what it was like, because they weren't there, that is true. But at the same time, if that is our reason for not sharing with others, if that is what we are using as a way to shut ourselves down from connecting with others, or if we're using that thought process or that belief, of say, belief, if we're using that belief, and really believing that that is to be true that that is true, then we are only becoming more disconnected from those around us. And we are only isolating ourselves more in our grief. And I say this several times, throughout other podcasts or in my writings that we can get so stuck on the story that we will repeat our story of what happened, this happened to me, and then this happened. And then that happened. And then this happened, as if we're almost just reciting a recipe or reading something someone else gave us. And it's this. 

And I think we do that, because we've assigned a certain meaning to what happened. And our minds just want to understand it, our minds want to logically understand what happened. And so this process of repeating the story, it really only keeps us in the story. If we feel like we have to share the story, to anyone who will listen, any chance we get, there's a clue there, that there's probably something unresolved, there is a difference between speaking your story to inspire, to connect to help someone else maybe connect the dots of their story, or to highlight a turning point. But if it's reciting just what happened, this happened. And that happened, and this happened. And that happened. What good is that doing? Anybody, you relive it in your body? If you haven't processed that story. If you haven't fully processed the story, every time you repeat it, you're living it in your body. Again, as you're speaking your story you might feel might have a flashback, or you might have a feeling in your body, your heart rate might go up your blood pressure might increase you. You might have these physical responses to what you are speaking out loud. And how is that serving you? How is that helping you move forward? And this is what we can see oftentimes in support groups, especially in-person support groups, could be online to where there is no outlined action or purpose for the group. If it's just this open sharing of the story. You might leave feeling worse about yourself. Actually. You might feel worse leaving because you are taking in that other person's story. You're feeling something so heavy of something someone else shared. It might help bring perspective. You might leave thinking, Oh gee, well, that didn't happen to me. What happened to them is far worse than what happened. To me, so it might help you to put your story into perspective. 

However, that's a false perspective, because whatever happened to you, is felt at 100%. And there is no hierarchy of grief. There is no loss or experience that anyone can say is worse than this. Or worse than that. Now, an unimaginable loss is losing a child for sure if you are a parent, but couldn't dicey equally, that losing my parent was maybe just as difficult. I don't know, I haven't experienced the loss of a child and I hope to never, I want to outlive my children. So there's certain losses we can't even fathom experiencing. But there is no hierarchy of grief because we all grieve at 100% regardless what the loss was. And so I just want to encourage you that to challenge that belief that no one could ever possibly understand. Because to receive compassion and empathy from another Griever, or from another person who's experienced loss, that can do so much for the soul that can do so much for griever's heart. 

And so if we come into the conversation, or to the room, or to the group, or wherever you're going into, and you're sharing your story, or you're afraid to share your story, just remember that your grief is worthy of being honored and heard. But if you're repeating the story, and it's not moving you forward, you haven't been moving forward, there's something to dig into there. So you may hear me share parts of my story, as you listen to different podcast episodes. And, you might ask yourself, well, you share your story. Well, if I'm being interviewed, of course, I'm going to be talking about my story. And just as if someone asks you, you might be asked your story, right? But if you find yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed, or in your heart of hearts that you've not addressed the pain, that is the story, as at the root and the heart of the story, then that's where you need to begin. Sometimes we feel like, we need to share our story so that we can connect with someone. Sometimes it's a part of just wanting to connect with another person and finding a way to be relatable or, or something like that. And I get that I do I get that. I've been there too type of thing, this happened to me to type of thing.

 And there can be great connection in those experiences. But again, it really takes digging into the emotional piece of the story, how it made you feel, what life was like at that time in your life, we're going to be talking about these stories and these things that have happened to us, let's, let's really talk about it. Let's skip the surface-level recipe card of all the crap that you've experienced. Let's get deeper than that. Let's go beyond that. How did that change you? How did that shape your life today? How is that changing? You now talk about that stuff, the meat and the juice, that is the experience of life, that is life. Because this stuff will constantly be popping up in and out of our lives we'll always be experiencing loss will always be having these experiences that shape us and challenge us and some might be deeply wounding and others might just sting a little. But regardless, let's go deep in these conversations we're having forget the recipe card conversation, forget the repeat and repeat. We're in a boat conversation, right? Let's talk about the deeper emotional side of grief when we're sharing our stories. That's where the connection is. 

So in talking with Scott who lost his brother while they were both on a deployment to Afghanistan, he spoke a lot about his experience with anger after that loss. And at one point he said something to the be effective. I put grief down and I picked up anger. And I think that is so common with so many grievers and grievers of all kinds, right? Because you can, yes, you can lose a brother in that way on a deployment, but you can also be sexually assaulted or you can be. You can experience the death of a complicated relationship with a parent. And you might have a lot of anger towards that parent, and then they pass away and you still might be angry. Yeah, there's a lot of things in life that can stir up anger within us. And a lot of relationships that can too. And so I think anger is one of these emotions that from a young childhood, I don't think I know from a young childhood that is stuffed away, pushed down, told us bad, you can't be angry, don't show your anger at me type of thing, right? Like, you can't be angry at me. Parents, often and I had this problem, right? I have this thing where, do as I say, not as I do, right, especially when it came to my anger. 

Because I related to much of Scott's story with anger is I had a lot of misplaced anger within me. And I've actually seen glimpses of it every now and again, if I'm working on something very intently, and I'm super hyper-focused. And then something comes to disrupt that flow or something malfunctions and doesn't want to work or he'll be at software or the kid needs something, or the phone keeps ringing or some distraction of some sort. Any kind of distraction that takes me off that hyperfocus train. Woof, I've been quick to anger. Because it's so hard for me to get back. It's really difficult for me to, to get back on track, when I've been derailed. I'll say it that way, when I feel like I've been derailed. Because I do personally know that my energy, I work in bursts. And I can knock out a lot of things in a short amount of time.

 And then it's like it and then I crash or I need to rest or I need to take a mental break. And then I need to come back to it right? So when I'm in these productive mental bursts of energy, and things aren't going right, then then the ugly than the ugly comes out. And so I've recently seen this, and I've I've caught myself in those moments of anger. Now granted, that's a very different anger versus grief, anger, right. But at the same time, I can recognize that those moments of those, those anger bursts, right, when something isn't going right or going my way or isn't working or what have you. Those are far wide and in between, like those aren't a common thing for me. Whereas when I was experiencing my anger from my grief, I was just angry all the time. There was nothing that needed to happen to set it off. It was a poison. I was taking, hoping I would die. Because I had so much anger and resentment and bitterness and just all of these, I won't even say negative emotions because they're useful. They can be so useful to us. They can be fuel, they can propel us and move us to action.

If something isn't going right in your life and you're angry about it, there's your sign if there is something you are angry about, there is your sign that something needs to change. If you are not pissed about something, kudos to you. But if you're listening to this podcast because it is about grief, I guarantee you you probably are pissed about something. So what is that anger guiding you to that you are not getting the message. You are not listening to that intuitive knowing within you. And that anger is either seething inside of you And you're misplacing it and you're projecting it elsewhere. Or it's physically making you sick, there's a clue. Look to your anger. And that's what needs to change. And use it for fuel to do so. And your life can change, I could probably talk on and on and on about anger, I probably could. And I could get into the energetics of it in all of that, but I feel really content with where I ended here with with the talk about anger. And so I, I will end there. And maybe in a future episode, I will dig more into the energetics of emotion in general. 

So let's move on to the conversation with Christian, which I love the direction it went because it really inspired my newsletter for last week, which was about religion versus spirituality. It is something that I've personally struggled with over the years, from childhood into well into adulthood. And my newsletter was all about that struggle, and how and the difference between the two right and people might think there isn't a difference, but there really isn't, I didn't think there was either I didn't know that there was. But one thing Christian shared, and I wholeheartedly agree with this, that spirituality is a part of us, it's inherently a part of us. It is the essence of who we are. It is like, it is us, like it is our, the core of our being. We are spiritual beings. But what happens is, is grief happens, and trauma happens. And it puts these layers against our spiritual selves, our inner physical selves, our emotional selves, like there's all these layers, then it's almost like I imagined I imagined it looking like when you walk into like those mirror mazes. And you don't know which way like you see your reflection and you think that's the way to go. But it's, it's really not that your reflections, look, you're looking back at your, you're looking at yourself, right, but you, it's an illusion.

 And I feel like, that's what happens with grief and our spirituality is we, we can't see the forest through the trees. And so we may even, we cut ourselves off from our own spiritual essence of who we are. So then we might cut ourselves off from even God and religion, right? Walk away completely, which I had for several years. I wrote off God, I was angry with God. Why is there so much suffering in my life and the whole victim story I had down pat. But was what was happening through since my childhood and on is, I had never felt this connection to myself. Because so much was taken from me at such a young age that I didn't even know my spiritual self existed. And so, it's been a process of coming back to and rediscovering who I was.

The glimpses, like recognizing, again, those glimpses of my essence that I got when I was a teenager, and I was into like astrology and palm reading and all this mystical stuff, right. I was into that. And I loved collecting stickers, because it was a form of play in it, it was child like to me. And I didn't have much of a childhood, right? It was a traumatic childhood. I don't even remember a lot of it. And so I loved stickers as a teenager. And so and I do today, too. I play with stickers today as an adult. It's because I've learned how to reconnect to those parts of myself. I'm an energy healer. I've learned energy, healing. The mystical stuff, right? The stuff we can't explain that I was into as a teenager but hadn't allowed myself to really lean into that part of myself.

Grief, just really the impact it has on our spiritual souls. And how that ripples into the rest of our lives and what we do and what we become and what we do for play and how we show up in the world and all these things, right? But we don't get that from religion. I don't feel we do. Religion didn't give me that. It's religion is an external thing. And spirituality is within. And so religion can be a pillar of growth and evolution and a foundation to start a spiritual journey on. But I really feel like they are two separate things. That you can be spiritual, and have a religion, that there are many religious people who are not spiritual. The book says this, and this and this and this, and that's it, right? But they're not connecting with it. They're not connecting with the words, they're not connecting with what that means in their life. They're not connected to themselves. They're reading these words, but they're disconnected from themselves. Because so many believe that you just gotta pray about it. All you got to do is pray about it. We got to pray and move our feet. The shortest line in the Bible is in Jesus cried, he weeped. And so many of us we've been private, we cry in private. And that's so isolating. And I even talked about how in the newsletter I even talked about how religion can be used against people. And so we have to be very careful about in our advice that we give to people because we may be religious, or you might be a religious person, but not everybody is. And what if that person had religion used against them as a means to control as a means to manipulate? That person is religiously scarred. And we don't want to inflict any more pain on that person who has experienced that type of grief. In someone who has experienced that type of grief, and if you're one of them, and you're listening to this, I would recommend can start doing practices that help you connect to yourself spiritually, look into spiritual practice, start connecting to the self. 

And if you find religion again, great, and if you don't, that's okay, too. In that episode, I mentioned that the soul is in the gut, and grief is in the lungs. And grief can actually be anywhere in the body. And generally speaking to like, as far as pain, we might feel it in the left shoulder. And biofield tuning, which is energy sound healing that I conduct either online or in person. If you have a lot going on energetically in the left shoulder. That is where grief and sadness often are. 

On the Chinese medicine, they say grief is in the lungs, asthma and different lung conditions. I believe that could be true. You can't take a deep breath right? You can't breathe, it's like you're suffocating in your own grief. And that makes sense to me, that resonates with me, too. And as a teenager, I was dealing with a lot of gut issues. My soul was literally being chipped away. Spiritually, I was chipped away. And it makes sense to me to have that my gut was just screaming at me as a teenager. And so through breathwork, Christian talked about how connecting to the breath. We understand this powerful resource that we have within us in the breath. And I've personally experienced this with a friend of mine and I mentioned it during the episode too. I learned the power of the breath and how we can channel it to create so much energy within our bodies. It's you can't even imagine, I can't even bring it into words, what that experience was like for me, but my hands are just vibrating, just talking about it. I feel the vibration in my hands. So we can't destroy energy, but we can move energy and we can also create it within ourselves. 

So again, if you are low energy, you're low vibe, you're not living life in the full vibrant way that you wish to, look at where you're at spiritually. He also mentioned these two hurdles, that most people that he's worked with or over the years have to personal freedom and empowerment. And one is being the victim. The poor be this relation to this poor me relationship to life, he said. And then also a struggle with forgiveness. And, he shared to give space to others is to be human. And get off of this self-righteous ego that we so often have, when it comes to forgiveness. I could talk, I could have just an episode on victimhood and forgiveness, actually have a chapter in my book about the victim mindset because I was stuck there for so many years. And I also coincidentally, and not coincidentally, had a real challenge with forgiveness. And so both of these things are actually addressed in the grief, evidence-based grief programs that I facilitate, and what I personally experienced myself in that transformed my grief. 

And so I just highly encourage you to think about what I share today. Let it settle in your heart and reflect on it. Just take a moment to journal your thoughts after listening to this episode. What are your takeaways and reflections? I would love to hear your takeaways and reflections from this takeaways and reflections episode and I encourage you and I hope you share because I would love to know your thoughts on this episode. And I hope it was helpful. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.