Victoria Volk  0:00  
Hello, hello, welcome to grieving voices, and the last episode of 2022. Holly grow. If you are like me, you're wondering where 2022 went. I am just flabbergasted at how quickly the past year has gone. And I truly can't believe that I'm sitting here talking about New Year's already coming up and Christmas will have passed by the time you're listening to this. And I'm hoping that you had a joyful, memorable, in a good way holiday with your loved ones. 

And that's really what I want to talk about today is family, the grief over family dynamics. What do we do about it? How do we navigate it? Is families really been on my mind a lot lately? For various reasons. A lot of them personal reasons that I won't get into on this episode, because this is not about me. I really just want to share how family dynamics is a huge contributor to our happiness really. And really, that happiness starts with each of us as individuals, it is no one else's responsibility to ensure our happiness. It's not your moms, it's not your dads, it's not your brothers, it's not your sisters, it's not your cousins, not your grandparents, you are responsible for you. 

And as my dear friend harmony will say the circle around your feet is all that you need to worry about. And I'm not saying worry about knots, I don't think that's even exactly how she says it. But the person that you can only control is you and the circle around your own feet. And so this episode is really to bring some perspective. And my goal really is to have you walking away live from listening to this introspective about what you bring to the family table. And for those struggling with the various family dynamics of which I will describe very soon here. What do you do with those feelings when they come up? That really are grief over family dynamics. You know, it's the family you wish you had the family maybe you wish you didn't have? And what does that what does family mean to you? Who are your family? Are you a bridge builder? Or are you a bridge destroyer within your family? And what do you do about these emotions when they come up? So these are the topics I'm going to dig into a little bit more. And I'm I really my goal too is to have this episode to be really concise. And to the point is everyone is short on time nowadays. And I really want to just get to the nitty-gritty. So let's do that. 

So the family you wish you had. This is a hard one for so many people because it's the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations. It's anything you wish I would be different better or more when it comes to family and my friend that is grief. And if you are experiencing those feelings that come along with that experience, you are a griever 100% of us are grievers argue if you will, I will argue that till the day I die that we are a 100% all of us are grievers. And we all grieve at 100%. There's no half-grievers either. So the family you wish you had. Maybe you're adopted. Maybe you're an only child. Maybe you are a single parent. Or maybe you're a child of a single parent. Maybe you have a small family with little extended family. I had conversation with a client not that long ago who spoke to this actually the last episode of the podcast Just also talked about this aspect of just having a really small nuclear family with very little extended family. That is my situation actually, I didn't actually have an larger extended family until I met my husband. And that was so foreign to me. Getting together at Christmas, like the first Christmas, when, after we'd been married a few years and started having kids and siblings started to have kids, it was like, you know, 25, I'll just say 25 grandchildren 20, like 15, to 20, grandchildren all close in age, it was chaos. But I loved it. When all the kids were little. And we all got together, it was an experience that I never really had growing up. I've very few memories of extended get-togethers. Very few. And since I was one of the youngest. In my family, even, you know, my aunts and uncles and things, there weren't a lot of kids my age. 

So in some ways, I kind of was felt like an only child because my brother was five years older than me, too. So there's that experience, you grow up in the same household with your siblings. But you have a very different experience of growing up. My sister is nine years older than me, my half-brother is I can't do the math right off the top of my head. But he we have the same birthday. And I think he's even, I want to say he's 14 or 15 years older than me. So a lot of different family dynamics that can cause us grief. And when you have a lack of an extended family, and you just have a very small nuclear family, or maybe you don't even have that nuclear family that you so desire, that can equate to a feeling of lack of support. The people simply aren't there to show up for you when the shit hits the fan. But here's the thing. We can choose our family too. We can choose the neighbor that maybe also has no one in their life, to look after them, to care about them, to worry about them. We could have friends that feel like family. I do. I wish the same for you too. But those relationships to take nurturing and take vulnerability. Take authentic honesty. A wholehearted commitment. Just like a marriage of friendship takes commitment and loyalty. A lot of the same attributes that we contribute to a healthy, loving marriage. I think friendships are no different in that way. 

And what about the family wish you didn't have? Maybe you grew up around abuse or neglect. Maybe greed has created this great divide within your family. And there are some family you just wish you didn't have as a result. There are so many scenarios, half siblings age gaps, as I've described, blended families, adoptive families, step parents. The list goes on and on. There's I could if I really sat and brainstormed I probably could come up with a dozen more. So in all of these descriptions are What does family mean to you? Who are your family? Not just the ones you'd claim by blood. But rather those who show up when the shit does hit the fan? Are there relationships in your life right now that feel a little distant? But if you still desire a stronger, deeper connection with them? Is that something you can nurture? Can you extend the hand first? Can you allow yourself to be vulnerable to create that deeper connection? Then I'll tell you in the work that I do with clients in Grief Recovery and being a heart with yours for so many. I go first and a part of me doing this podcast is me going first bringing the guests on that I do, they're going first.

They're sharing their stories, to bring hope to your life. Which is my hope that we all keep hope burning in our hearts. So that even if just today, things aren't going so great that there's hope for a better tomorrow. But as I started this podcast, that responsibility is yours and yours alone. So insane responsibility, which is not an easy thing for people to admit, is in their wheelhouse and in their circle around their feet. Are you a bridge builder? Or are you a bridge destroyer? Are you the pot stir of the family? Are you the Lord Baelish, like on Game of Thrones, that my husband and I have been watching the pot stir, the one that pits people against each other. There's responsibility in that. And there's waves and ripples of grief. Because of that behavior. It's destructive, it's hurtful, it's harmful. And it breaks people's hearts. I'm often reminding my youngest who can not to throw her under the bus. But she's at that age, you know, she's going to be 14. And that's a really tough age man. I remember that age and it it sucked royally for me. You know, you're you just want independence, you're desiring independence and more freedom and you're coming into your, your yourself more, things are happening in your body, you can't control and hormones and all of that. And she's not understanding how words can how the tongue can cut like a knife. And the repercussions of your words, and why words matter and how they matter. And reminding her that she has responsibility in the words that come from her lips. And I'm often reminding her and all my kids really, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. 

And I think just in society is general we don't know how to be a heart with yours, we don't know how to listen, are so quick to criticize, analyze, and judge to use that tongue in a destructive way, maybe not even intentionally. I don't think my daughter intentionally wants to, to hurt, say hurtful things. But I know the impact of that. I felt it myself. Whether it's your sister, your child, your neighbor, your brother, your friend, or it's hurt. And you can say 50 kind things in the one harmful hurtful thing you say is the one that sticks. This is just as a reminder, for myself, I am not perfect, by no means. I just think we're in such a fast-paced world and fast-paced society, we're so quick to be fast-paced with our lips and our tongue to you know, and what we say. Which brings me to the next point of what do you do when these emotions come up within these family dynamics? What I need to do and what I do practice myself is I excuse myself. I personally because within my Youmap which if you go to my website, theunleashedheart.com, look under services, you'll see Youmap, my Youmap how I'm wired and how I'm my strengths are and what I value and all of these things that make me who I am. I am a very much, very much a thinker. And so I need to like get time alone to process and think and then I need I take that time for myself to do so and then come back to the situation. Not on an emotional high. Because I'm also a Pisces. And I'm also an INFP if you're familiar with Myers Briggs, so I've just got the whole double whammy of sensitivity and emotional stuff going on. And I know that about myself. And that's the thing about the Youmap is my favorite quote, Kristen Sherry, the founder view map said, the more you know yourself, the less you look to others to tell you who you are.

 And so, for me personally, working through my own family dynamics, and working through all this stuff, and the relationships through Grief Recovery, I've really gotten to know myself really well. And a part of that is how I respond to stress. What I need to do in those moments that I feel an emotional high, not in a good way. And that's where excusing myself and walking away can be the greatest gift for everyone involved. And as long as you're bringing intention is to collect yourself, to emotionally regulate yourself and then come back to the situation more grounded and centered in yourself. There is nothing wrong with walking away, if that is your intention. But if you are walking away to avoid to run away from the problem itself, it's only going to fester. We become the tea kettle, a stuffer of emotions. And eventually one day you will either implode or you will explode. Talking with my recent client, this has been their experience. You know, over 40, over 50 years of stuffing down of not speaking up, I'm not having the space in the safety to speak up of anger not even being allowed as an relat as a normal emotion to be expressed. They've become the tea kettle, and they had an outburst. But that was the only way they could feel heard. But in those moments, when you have these outbursts of anger within these family dynamics, for example, which is what we're talking about, are you really being heard. Because what you're saying is probably being received from a defense from a defensive person now, who's probably not heard a thing, once they heard the word you, you did this, you do that you did this to me. It completely shut down. And the conversation has not become constructive. It's become destructive. And it's not taking care of resettling anything. I'm still learning this, by the way, this is still a work in progress and how we work through this stuff. And how I personally work through it is through Grief Recovery, I've actually had used I've used Grief Recovery, the tools of Grief Recovery, before going into a conversation that I knew would be challenging or difficult, so that I could emotionally get rid of all of that gunk I was holding on to and not bring that to the conversation. 

So I could come to the conversation, feeling grounded and centered, level-headed and emotionally regulated. I think so many of us make these decisions and approach these situations when we're in this emotional high. But once you get to that point, it's really hard to like have the awareness to like stop staring back. Assess, has to be a really quick mental process and emotion takes over forget it. It's not going to happen. So be a huge part of what do you do about with these motions is be proactive, create and voice boundaries in the moment. A part of that is maybe walking away like you create this plan for yourself. Well if it gets to this point, I'm just going to walk away this is what I need to do. For myself. This is what I know about myself. One thing you could say is I don't feel comfortable discussing this right now. If you want to keep discussing this I will excuse myself from this conversation. Especially if both parties are emotionally charged. What would be even a better approach would be is to create invoice the boundaries proactively have a plan. You don't have to voici is exactly but having a plan for how you will participate and engage in a conversation that you know may be challenging or difficult. Rehearse it in your mind, how do you want it to play out. But let go of the expectations of the person responding in a way that you desire. Because again, remember, we're all bringing our stuff. We all have stuff, we all have luggage. And we all bring it to conflict. And especially in family dynamics. 

So that's the nutshell of what I wanted to share today, I could probably go another 20 minutes and deeper into the weeds with this, but this is what's been on my mind. Lately, I actually just jotted these down just before I sat down to record because it's just been on my mind, but I hadn't written my notes, until I sat down to record and it feels I feel complete with what I've shared today. But if you'd like to go deeper on this topic, with your own personal life, I am more than happy to assist you in doing so. I had a wonderful session with a client just the other day helping connect the dots in ways that they had never in over 50 years for themselves. We can't see the label from inside the jar, as my dear friend Patsy says. So if you need help in doing that, I would be more than happy to be your heart with yours. Either in a group setting or one on one. Reach out victoria@theunleashedheart.com. And in the meantime, check out the rest of the episodes. My website, the podcast, the programs available, how you can work with me. Maybe you just need an energetic tune-up with biofield tuning. That information is also on my website. My newsletter is coming out bi-weekly on Wednesdays they unleashed letters, there's a subscription on my website for that as well. Where I share content not shared anywhere else. I also get a little bit more personal in there as well. So there's lots of ways that you can learn more about grief and about this topic in particular, if you want me to dive deeper, let me know. I'm more than happy to do so. Or if you have a question, please submit it to me. I'm more than happy to answer it on a future podcast episode. So until 2023 hits us, I wish you a wonderful rest of 2022 and an amazing start to 2023 I have so much I look forward to and I hope you do too. Until next time. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.