Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

Hi Cary,

I have huge trust issues and it’s affecting my relationship with my partner of 3 years. My trust issues have stemmed from my childhood for many different reasons and to top it off, last year I found out my step dad had been abusing me.

My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him. He says he has his morals and knows deep down he has never done anything wrong. His dad cheated on his mum and he has a suspicion his ex cheated on him.

But there is something lingering over me and I am struggling to know whether to believe my partner or not. I have had suspicions about him and a girl from work. ... 

Transcript

Hi Cary,

I have huge trust issues and it’s affecting my relationship with my partner of 3 years. My trust issues have stemmed from my childhood for many different reasons and to top it off, last year I found out my step dad had been abusing me.

My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him. He says he has his morals and knows deep down he has never done anything wrong. His dad cheated on his mum and he has a suspicion his ex cheated on him.

But there is something lingering over me and I am struggling to know whether to believe my partner or not. I have had suspicions about him and a girl from work.

The reasons are: He came back from a work do and a girl added him on Snapchat, but he ignored it. He didn’t delete it, but just ignored it. in my mind I’m wondering what has happened between the two of them for her to add him at 2/3am.

I asked him about it a while later and he said he couldn’t remember who added him. I went through his Snapchat (with his permission) and saw who added him. so I confronted him and then he said he could remember, and said he had some flirty banter with her... but he only admitted this because I caught him out, and he said there were no talks of crossing boundaries in our relationship at that time of whether flirting was cheating. but he saw it as insignificant and knew it would cause an argument if we had talked about it at that time. apparently that’s why he didn’t tell me. just to add this girl was in his friendship group at work.

A year after we’d been together we went on a night out with his work. He went upstairs to the toilet and I then noticed the girl who added him on Snapchat had also gone upstairs. I ran to go upstairs and he was already on his way down, after she had already ran down. he told me he was looking for me. granted, he was drunk and wasn’t making much sense, but he seemed suspicious... I didn’t question it because we were trying to have a good night. I did question him about this eventually.

He told me he doesn’t remember seeing her upstairs. and he was in the toilet so long because he was talking to a random guy and this guy was rapping to him in the toilet, having a bit of a joke.
Fast forward a while and I was looking at his Instagram. I was looking when he started to follow this girl on Instagram. he followed her a couple of months after we had been together. but I then noticed she had liked some of his photos before she followed him. so she basically went through his posts when she followed him and liked them all, obviously to get his attention.

All these scenarios have made me question his loyalty. he denies ever being unfaithful to me.
he insists he has always been loyal. I’ve brought this girl up a handful of times now because I keep thinking about it.

he last few times I’ve brought these situations up, he gets angry at me and starts shouting at me because he’s ‘sick of being accused.’ it’s to the point where he is now saying we cannot stay together if I am going to keep accusing him because it’s upsetting him. he told me he’s spoken to his sister about this situation with the girl at work because he feels like he’s being framed. I have also questioned the girl from work and she told me nothing has happened between the two of them. but because they were all in the same friendship circle, I’m wondering if she’d lie to me to save any confrontation in the friendship group at work.

It doesn’t help that I have accused him of other things in the past unrelated to this, due to my anxiety. But the situation with this girl at work is completely different to the other times I have accused him of, because with this, there is actual solid evidence that he was hiding something.

I’m aware of my paranoia and my lack of trust. I’m worried I’m going to ruin my relationship. but I’m also worried that something has happened with this girl at his old work place.

Isabel

Dear Isabel,

I suggest that you start working to build trust and harmony in the relationship.

Either that or leave him.

Right now, there's no trust in the relationship. Your accusations aren't helping. Try putting aside your accusations and working to build trust.

Trust must be built. It's not automatic. It grows from trustworthy acts, from trustworthy patterns. Trust grows when you do what you say you're going to do. Little things like showing up on time can help. Making plans together and carrying them out. Being where you say you'll be. Telling the unvarnished truth.

In the past, people broke your trust. Because of that, you react strongly today when it appears that someone may break your trust. Such feelings won't magically go away. But you can learn new ways to respond to them. When they arise, pay attention to them. But do not immediately accuse your boyfriend. Instead, look for a way to use the occasion to build trust.

You might try saying something like this to your boyfriend: “I am going to trust you. I am going to believe what you say. But if I ever find out that you have betrayed my trust, I will leave you immediately without question. This relationship will be over. That's how it has to be. I have to protect myself and I will. I know that because of my past, I sometimes get suspicious. I know that because of my past, I sometimes feel insecure. So I need you to show me that I can trust you. If girls flirt with you, OK, girls flirt with you. I know girls flirt. But don't lie to me. I need to know that you are true to me, that you can be trusted. I need to know that I matter most in your life. I need to be able to trust you.”

You know, something like that. Something from the heart. Something that puts the emphasis on the future, on staying together, on building trust in the relationship, and on making clear that you won't tolerate being mistreated or lied to.

The situation may seem confusing, but you really only have two choices. If you really believe that he is lying to you and cheating on you, if you really, really believe that, then you have to leave him. To not leave him would be to betray yourself. But because of your past, it’s quite possible that you are reliving past episodes of betrayal where it doesn't exist in the present. In that case, if you are otherwise happy in the relationship, which has now lasted for three years, then it makes sense to work on building trust and staying together.

One final word. In the end, it might not be concrete evidence but the evidence of your heart that decides. If deep in your heart you don't feel right about the relationship, don’t be afraid to leave. If you truly believe he can’t be trusted, don’t be afraid to just end it. You might benefit from a period outside a relationship, when you could work to learn new behaviors that enhance trust and help you identify a trustworthy potential partner.