Caregiver Protection: Tips From An Expert

When I began the caretaking journey for my mom, I was not prepared for the twists and turns ahead. Now, with caregiving expert Pamela D. Wilson by our side, we unravel the complexities and joys of caring for those we love. Pamela's personal and professional experiences, including courtrooms and care facilities, serve as the backdrop for our conversation, bringing to light the skills and resilience it takes to navigate this path.

The medical system can be daunting, but together, we dissect the challenges caregivers face, from validating the hallucinations of our loved ones to the nitty-gritty of legal recognition. It's not just about the somber moments; we share laughs over the unpredictable scenarios that pop up, like chasing a client through hospital corridors. This episode is a testament to the problem-solving heroics and unexpected moments of humor that come with the territory.

In the heartfelt camaraderie of our chat, we also confront the reality of family struggles that weigh down even the most dedicated caregivers. You'll find solace in our shared experiences and leave with strategies to more effectively advocate for your loved one. Whether you're a veteran in the caregiving arena or donning the cap for the first time, let this episode be your beacon of hope and practical wisdom. 

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"Alzheimer's is heavy but we ain't gotta be!"
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

parenting up family. I found the CIA, kgb caregiver extraordinary, expert kind of person I didn't even know these types of specialties could exist in caregiving in caregiving. Today's guest actually has real life experience as an expert witness in caregiving. She was a caregiver for her mom, for her grandfather, Then she's helped others as a fiduciary, which is a big old fancy word for saying I'm not married to you, I'm not related to you, but I'm legally responsible for you, so if something happened to you I'm going to get in trouble as if I were your wife or your mom or something. I mean, wow, you're talking about. Committed to the notion of caring for people. What a dude at Her name is Pamela D Wilson, and the D stands for determined to help you better as a caregiver. Come on, lean in, listen and watch. Here we go. Come on, come on, come on.

Speaker 1: 1:29

Parenting Up Caregiving Adventures with Comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything, with a heartbeat Spoiler alert. I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver. You are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, the WK Caregiver protection Tips from an expert. Parenting Up family.

Speaker 1: 2:32

We are introducing a new segment. Supporters Shout Out going to highlight a review, a comment, somebody who lets us know that they really enjoy the podcast. Will you be next? Ha ha, ha ha ha. You got to get the review in. There will be gifts. I can't tell you what it is. You got to get your review in. Anyway, the very first supporter shout out Bionic Jam.

Speaker 1: 3:15

Apple Reviews the title Love this Show. I know that's right. Okay, that was me. Five stars, and I quote I absolutely love this show.

Speaker 1: 3:34

I have been a listener of nearly a year now and the things Jay shares with us about what she is going through really hit home. It is a wonderful thing that she is sharing with us and helps me keep my sanity period. Omg, thank you so much, bionic Jam. Knowing that any part of this journey is helping with your sanity keeps us moving here at the Parenting Up family. Thank you. Our Parenting Up community is growing so fast I can't put out an episode as fast as we are growing, so text PODCAST to 404-737-1449 for updates, exclusives and suggestions on topics. While you're at it, share an episode with the caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcasts and follow us on social media. Subscribe to our YouTube page, please. It really helps Parenting Up family, you know. We like to bring it to you straight. I like to give you things that you can't find other places, ways where the caregiver can actually be better. Everybody's always talking about. Can we solve Alzheimer's?

Speaker 1: 4:52

Well, yeah we want to. But in the meantime, what the hell can we do to help ourselves? Well, today I went searching high and low my grandfather would have said, from the rooter to the tooter, and I found Pamela D Wilson. Welcome.

Speaker 2: 5:09

Pamela, thank you, I'm glad to be here.

Speaker 1: 5:15

Thank you, thank you, thank you, man. I cannot wait for everyone to hear how specialized you've become as a caregiver expert. I mean, I didn't even know they really had that. I wish I had known about you and your field when I was thrust into this role with my mom over a decade ago. But that's OK, better late than never. Tell us just real briefly how do you even get to claim yourself as a caregiver expert? Now, we're going to get into the juicy bits later, but the word expert is big, so what allows you to be able to say such a thing?

Speaker 2: 5:58

Probably 20,000 hours of on the ground actual work, either as a caregiver in my own family, but more so as a care manager and professional fiduciary helping caregivers and older adults and their families. I've been everywhere caregivers have in the hospital, in the nursing home, in the morgue, I mean you name it. I've been there on the ground and so that has kind of built up my expertise in so many situations because I've been exposed to more than the average person would be, just because of the breadth of my work.

Speaker 1: 6:39

That's amazing. You got me beat on the morgue. Amazing. You got me beat on the morgue.

Speaker 2: 6:48

I haven't been in the morgue. I don't want to go to the morgue. No, you don't want to get calls from the morgue?

Speaker 1: 6:52

No, I don't even want to know where the morgue is actually. I don't know where the morgue is. I've never known where the morgue is. Now that I think about it and I don't care to know. That's a place you know. I just want to pay my taxes and I would like to know that there is a morgue in every city in the United States, somewhere, and that's enough. That's enough for me. That's one of those things where you know they say it's better, if you don't know, just pay your taxes and let some politician take care of it. Great, that's one of those things. That's one of those things who you said you cared for people in your family or very close friends, who did you care for and what was their ailment?

Speaker 2: 7:36

So my mother and many ailments. She, you know, grew up at a time when there was no health awareness. So she smoked, so she had cardiovascular problems, she had strokes, she got hepatitis because she needed quadruple bypass surgery and at the time they weren't testing blood. She had fractures, I mean, you name it, she had it. And from the time I was in my 20s until the time she passed away, not only me but my sisters, my brothers, my dad, all of us were her caregiver.

Speaker 1: 8:15

And this was your mom, my mom.

Speaker 2: 8:20

And then other people in my family.

Speaker 1: 8:22

Where did you grow?

Speaker 2: 8:22

up oh Omaha, Nebraska, and then other people in my family.

Speaker 1: 8:28

Where did you grow up? Oh, Omaha, Nebraska. You don't meet many people from Omaha.

Speaker 2: 8:35

It's like you all stay there. Well, I've left Warren Buffett is from Omaha, yeah. And the steaks, yeah, oh yes, the best.

Speaker 1: 8:49

Yes, ok, your mom. So she had a lot of ailments. Yeah, smoking. From what I hear in the news and statistics it has come back. I mean, for some reason people under 25 are smoking again, as if we don't have proof of what it can do to your body. So, anyway, we're not going to talk about that anymore. So you were a caregiver very young.

Speaker 2: 9:27

Very young and even you know my grandmother was older. She didn't have a lot of ailments. My uncle did have Alzheimer's and dementia. So because I was the youngest of six kids, I was around a lot of older people who had health problems.

Speaker 1: 9:41

How did you feel as a kid, seeing aging, ailing people. Were you afraid? Were you comfortable around them? Did you try to avoid it? How did you handle it?

Speaker 2: 9:55

You know, I wasn't afraid because a lot of these older family members doted on me when I was, you know, two or three or four, and so I love them, so I would go visit my grandmother. The panic set in when every Sunday, like clockwork almost, my mother would call in the evening saying I don't feel good, I need to go to the emergency room. So I, like many caregivers, got trained. It's like when this thing rings, it's not good, it's going to be a problem and you probably have to show up somewhere.

Speaker 1: 10:32

Yeah, that phone ringing. I often I say it kind of tongue in cheek, but once you are a family caregiver which I like to distinguish between individuals who are professional caregivers, who have been trained and they're paid and they it's a job for them, just like if you are a school teacher or a fireman or, you know, a senator and at some point you go home, or if you're an engineer or a truck driver home, or if you're an engineer or a truck driver, but if you're a family care giver I'm laughing, though, because you're saying and you go home.

Speaker 2: 11:11

So if I can just say something really quick about that, the years that I was in professional caregiving from 2000 to 2018, I was on 24 seven. My phone rang at 2 in the morning, at 3 in the morning, on vacations, when I was out at dinner all the time. So for some professional caregivers it is a 24-7, 365 job.

Speaker 1: 11:39

I appreciate that clarification.

Speaker 2: 11:43

Thank you, you're welcome. I was a legal fiduciary, so I didn't?

Speaker 1: 11:53

you know? I don't want to say I didn't have a choice. I chose to do that, I chose to be under those constraints.

Speaker 2: 11:57

So you are one of those odd birds.

Speaker 1: 12:09

Very, very odd bird, very niche work. Probably not a lot of people have done what I've done. That further explains why you can say I am an expert in caregiving. I've seen it all, I've done a bunch, because there are not many professional caregivers who can say, yes, 24-7, I did everything all the time. Yeah, that's rare. So kudos to you for taking on that responsibility and then taking it so seriously, because just because you are on call, it doesn't mean you actually answer the call. But I won't. I'm not going to name any names for people who haven't always answered my call, even though I was paying them and they were in the medical field. This is not a bashing type podcast. That's not what I do here.

Speaker 2: 13:03

No, but that is true.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Yeah, that is true. Yeah, I mean, it happens, it happens. Share with us how you decided no-transcript. They don't always have an advocate. What I love so much about your work, ok, let me. Let me just back up a little bit. Ok, parenting up community this is what Pamela D Wilson the D is very important OK, so if everybody is trying to find her and she's going to give us her information toward the end of this conversation conversation, but you got to put that D in there, all right. What's amazing is she knows that this is a marathon and that if we don't keep ourselves super glued and taped up and fortified, we're not going to make it. And what I want to know, pamela, is what happened along your professional journey that really opened up your heart for you to care enough to put us first, the caregivers.

Speaker 2: 14:20

I think again. It goes back to my childhood and being around older people and loving them, Then being a caregiver for my family right my mother and understanding what that was like. And then, after her death, looking back and thinking before, when I was getting into this part of my career oh my gosh, everything I didn't know, that the doctors didn't tell us that, no one told that things we could have done, things we should have done. So it was that retrospect of saying, oh my gosh, I've had this experience. I'm going to delve into this and figure out how to help people so they don't have to go through what I went through or what somebody else went through or what people continually go through when I talk to them.

Speaker 1: 15:05

Thank you, I do believe that it is better. You know I don't believe in that. Well, I had to go through it, so you go through it. I'm like, no, no, because I went through it, you should not have to go through it. Yeah, absolutely, I know you have said in some of your work you have talked about Sometimes your loved one may hear and or see things or be talking to people that aren't really there and that caregivers can have a tough time in knowing what to do with that. Right, yes, how do you help people respond Right, and this is a question that really is very useful, especially for what I call newbie caregivers, is very useful, especially for what I call newbie caregivers. And the first time your LO maybe is hallucinating or they're having conversations with individuals that you don't see, what kind of suggestions would you have for them?

Speaker 2: 16:23

So you have to not try to correct them and you want to kind of be where you think they are right. So I would never say, oh, you're making that up or you're not seeing that. You kind of go along with it and say, well, gosh, who are you talking to and what are you talking about? So it's kind of like a little distraction technique, as long as they're not afraid of this person. Now I had a lady who would see bugs on her wall and I'm like, oh, let me just go and I'll, I'll wash them off and then let's go in the other room, you know. So. So a lot of it is validating what they think they're saying and talking to them about it and say, well, gosh, is that scary for you? How does that feel? Tell me what you're seeing. You don't you never discount what they're seeing, because they may really be seeing it? Just because you're not doesn't mean it's not there.

Speaker 1: 17:13

True, I agree with that completely. I say that a lot to individuals who ask me for advice. Let's say how do you know? It's not there. I mean truthfully, I don't know. I mean, the same way, stevie Wonder can make music and hear notes that I don't hear. Now, he doesn't have vision, but he has hearing and touch that I don't possess. So you know, my mom's nickname is Zeddy.

Speaker 1: 17:55

I said, you know, there are things that she may attempt. Now, how dare I chastise her as if my way is right, as long as whatever it is is not harming her. I'm like, well, what the hell you know that's right. Tell me this have you had clients? I'm sure you have when?

Speaker 1: 18:21

Well, let me just say this this has been a pisser for me when doctors especially doctors, because they have the white coat, and, pamela, when the people have the white coat on we go to them and we're wanting something just short of a miracle. We want some medicine, we want some answers, we want a solution. And then we go to them and we're talking to them and they don't have the answer. And then often they're responding to us in a way that may be intimidating or it may not be comforting, and then either we don't get what we need and maybe we stop going back, or we get pissed off. How do you, you know, have you dealt with that? Or how would you suggest people, caregivers, respond in that way Because you're trying to take up for your LO and, you know like not storm out of the doctor's office.

Speaker 2: 19:26

I deal with this on an ongoing basis. As you mentioned before, working with the healthcare system is frustrating. So one of the first things is you've got to be recognized as the caregiver, because a lot of times the doctors because it's a doctor-patient relationship, right and you're not the patient they're not even paying attention to the caregiver. So it helps if you are the medical power of attorney or the guardian. That's helpful because you have some legal standing. But if you don't, you know, make a friend with the nurse in the office or somebody else. If you have to, if you need to send questions in advance and you have access to the portal, do that.

Speaker 2: 20:05

So you have to be an advocate and you have to not be afraid of the white coats, right, because they're intimidating. They speak in language that the average person does not understand and you can't give up. You have to say look, we have this problem and I'm going to keep coming back until you help me solve this problem. And if you don't have the solution, is there a nurse here? Is there a social worker? Is there somebody else in this doctor's office who has the time to help me? Because, as you know, you're in and out in 10 or 15 minutes and it's like bye, bye.

Speaker 1: 20:37

I know, OK, what do you talk us through? Making sure that you have the legal standing and those documents. Sure that you have the legal standing and those documents right. I know, often people may have a power of attorney and they may have the paperwork that says, hey, if mom or dad, if my LO, is unable to speak for themselves, then I get to talk. But you know, a lot of times as an LO you're like, yeah, but you know mom or dad or my cousin, they walked in here, they know their birthday, they can say, yeah, my name is Jay Smiles, and so can they still jump in and talk with as much authority. I have found that caregivers might not take as much ownership of their family member when their family member is still, you know, a bit able to communicate.

Speaker 2: 21:44

Well, you always have to be conscious of not taking over if the person can still speak. But if you are that medical power of attorney, sometimes you have to explain the responsibility to the medical profession. They should know right. But there's a difference between what they see as medical capacity and legal capacity.

Speaker 2: 22:08

Legal capacity and so when I was a power of attorney, I would take my documents and I would put them on file at the doctor's office and I would say you don't change medications unless you talk to me. I would go to all the appointments and if I couldn't be there, I would be there, you know, virtually on the phone. But I would be like any change you make, anything you do, has to be discussed with me, especially if a parent is in a hospital or a nursing home. Oh my gosh, the things that they will do because it's easy, because the patient says, oh yeah, I'll take that medication or sure, I'll do that test, when they don't even know what they're consenting to. So consent for medical treatment and agreeing to things is a huge piece of advocacy for caregivers.

Speaker 1: 22:48

I love that. I'm going to repeat that. Y'all hear that parenting up family. Tell those doctors and those nurses do not change the medication of my LO without telling me and getting my approval. Ooh, that is finger snaps and all kind of cheers.

Speaker 2: 23:12

It happens all the time and bad things happen, yeah, bad things happen when medications are changed and nobody's asked. Oh my, God.

Speaker 1: 23:22

Yeah, I mean, I'm not bashing this next statement is not me attempting to bash the medical system, but I will say the health care system is not equipped with people on the ground that understand Dementia and Alzheimer's, and they definitely don't understand the role of the ongoing caregiver, and so the points that you are making are fantastic. They often speak over us in appointments and they don't take what we're saying to heart and I'm like what are you talking about? Like I'm the link here, doctor or nurse, so-and-so you want me here. Who you don't want to ask is Zeddy, because Zeddy is going to tell you that she had lunch with a unicorn.

Speaker 2: 24:25

So one thing that I will tell you that supports what you're saying is a doctor told me one day he said patients lie, we don't know if they're telling the truth. So here is how you get around doctors not believing you or not paying attention. It's documentation. So if you can keep a notebook of concerns, like every day, you know mom didn't eat today, or she woke up later, she had these behaviors, or I think she's having trouble going to the bathroom, I mean whatever you can document, whether it's temperature, blood pressure, whatever take those pieces of paper, keep copies, but take those to the doctor's office and give them the facts. They will pay more attention to you. If you have documentation every day of what's going on and you can say look, this is the problem we need to deal with, this is how it's happening, then they can't say that you're making this up.

Speaker 1: 25:24

That is gold. Wow, another cheer. That is me giving you cheers. That's some Beyonce, taylor Swift cheer. You can write it, uh, for parents in our community. You can write it on a piece of paper, write it in your phone, send yourself an email, whatever it is. A lot of us may have access to a portal. Um, I know there are times when, especially, something happens in the middle of the night. I will send them an email in the middle of the night to let them know. This just happened at 4.42 am and I told you about it and I'm gritting my teeth and I hope you all can hear me. I told you about it at our last appointment and if you had given me the medicine when I asked you know, or if you had taken me seriously, maybe we wouldn't be up at 4.42 am. But that's why I'm sending this email right now, so you'll know how disgusted I am in real time. I say it softer than that, but because it's 4.42, I hope that they feel the passion in my words that is so important.

Speaker 2: 26:53

The the portals are are kind of like your. I don't want to say documentation that something's going wrong, but it's on the record. Right, it goes into the medical record when you send notes through those portals yeah, I love them.

Speaker 1: 27:04

I love the portals. What about? How have you been able to help people, help caregivers, respond when your LO gives you conversations like I want to go home or this is not where I live, let me leave here. And you know, you know that they are absolutely where they currently live and that can be frustrating and it can also be very dangerous because if they really tried to talk their way out of that environment, whether it's home or assisted living, they could hurt themselves or, you know, they could be a fall risk or they could be in the street, lost. How do you, how would you suggest handling that?

Speaker 2: 28:10

So a couple of ways you know. One is if somebody says I want to go home, you can ask questions because that can be repetitive I want to go home, I want to go home. It's like, well, what did you like about your home, you know. Or if somebody says, well, I need to see my mom, and you know their mom is dead, it's like, well, what was, what are your memories about your mom, you know, what did you like about your mom? It's, it's a distraction technique that keeps them on the subject of like home or mom. But you're asking them questions and most of the time that long-term memory remains so they can tell you.

Speaker 2: 28:45

Now, sometimes, if they say you know I want to go home, it's like, okay, I'll take you home, but let's go. We got to have dinner first or we have to go, you know, finish the laundry first. So again, it's a lot of redirection and distracting techniques. The other thing, if you're really worried about them, you know walking out of the house, you know there are devices that the local police departments have, that alarm companies have GPS bands that they can, you know watches and things that you can put in their shoes. So I mean, if that's a concern, then it's a different issue versus distraction.

Speaker 1: 29:25

Right, absolutely, absolutely. And now you can kind of laugh and say that event or that experience.

Speaker 2: 29:57

It's kind of funny now, but when we were in it we were all pulling out our hair. There are so many and I'll use a client story. So I had a woman who had dementia and she walked. She was fast and one time I had to take her. She was a veteran so I had to take her to the VA and I don't know how many of you all go to the VA, but wherever you go to the VA it's big, there's a lot of hallways. You go for an appointment, you're there for like hours. Well, she got away from me. She was so fast and I'm like I'm chasing this client down the hallway and I mean then it was like not funny, right, because I'm like, oh my gosh, I got it. I know there's all these people, she's going to get lost, I'm going to lose her.

Speaker 2: 30:37

But now I look back and, sweetest thing, I mean you know we got her the care that she needed. But it's those kind of things when you're the caregiver in the moment and stuff's happening. You know, another time this gentleman, another VA client, I was taking him home and he had a stomach problem and hot day rolls down the window of the car in traffic and he starts vomiting out the window of the car. And I look at the guy in the car next to us. We're stopped at a red light and this guy is just like just almost vomiting himself. And these are crazy situations, right, but in the moment you're just like, oh my God, what do I do? And then you see the reactions, of other people reacting and you're like, oh my gosh. But I look back at these and these are all of the stories that like make all of that worth it.

Speaker 1: 31:24

As crazy as they are, as crazy as they are Pamela, the person next to you in the car. They thought did you really take this old man on a binger?

Speaker 2: 31:38

Did you have this old guy out drinking? That's probably what they were thinking. Yeah, oh.

Speaker 1: 31:48

Oh man, what has, as you have put together this remarkable career in becoming a caregiver expert, what is something that you feel, like you know, really particularly proud of, that you feel that sets you apart from your other colleagues, like I really want you to pat yourself on the back or pop your collar.

Speaker 2: 32:26

I want you to, I want you to don't do not be humble, say hey this is something that I do that many don't, or that I feel like I do extremely well, or that, whether it's a certification or or something that you've accomplished or an experience that you came through, you know, the very unique skill that I have, that I'm good at, was when I was a professional fiduciary, so I was a guardian for clients, and these were crazy situations where, like, for example, parents would appoint me to be their guardian instead of their children because they didn't trust their children or children were abusing their parents.

Speaker 2: 33:06

So many times I actually had to go testify in court and I would have attorneys grilling me on. You know, was I doing the right thing? Was I harming the client? How did, how did I prove that this happened? Right? Because in court it's not like there's no hearsay, it's not like, well, I heard this from somebody else. It's like, what did you actually do? I was very good in court situations and I've served as an expert witness in she's a CPA and she about litigation and expert witness testimony.

Speaker 1: 34:15

I knew. I knew more about that in eighth grade than I understood about casseroles, because that's what she did not do. She did not come home and bake. She. She was at the dining room table when she was baking was her testimony and getting ready for trials. She was not going to bake cookies. She said well, we can go buy the pre-made, cut up toll house and, you know, go in there and preheat the oven to 325 and mama will help you put them on the cookie sheet. That's it. So thank you for sharing that. That's amazing. It's. It is. You know, it's you.

Speaker 1: 34:57

Never, I never, like to hear those stories of the dissension and tension in between families. Tension in between families. However, it is great for my listeners and my viewers to know hey, it's not just you and your family, your siblings, your cousins, your uncles and aunties. It happened decades ago, it happened centuries ago. You know, most often when there's a coup, you know from centuries ago or millennia ago, it's infighting. A brother wanted to take over the other brother who was supposed to be king, because he thinks he should have been king. You know, it's rare that it's actually an outsider. It's usually from inside your own family. So it the more the people in our community can understand. Hey, you're not in this alone and what is happening to you is happening to other people. It just makes it. It makes that pill a little easier to swallow. So, knowing that you did that work man, I bet it was fascinating.

Speaker 1: 36:15

I bet that was gut-wrenching though.

Speaker 2: 36:16

So, anyway, it was gut-wrenching, but I was good at it, right. So the good and the bad, right, I was good at it. So attorneys would keep sending me. They're like, oh, I got a case for you, will you take it? And I'm like, oh, yes, I'll take it, but to your point, okay, so we don't talk about all these family things. So I would have caregivers that would come to my office children. They'd be like, oh, pamela, you know, we saw your video, we read your book, we came to a talk, I had your business card in my wallet. But things are really bad now and I'm like, why did you wait? So my advice to caregivers is don't wait until something becomes so bad that you're overwhelmed and then you seek help.

Speaker 1: 37:02

Get the help before you get to that point. Okay, you lobbed me a nice fat, slow fastball right down the plate. What is a point that is kind of like hey, give us a few markers where you would say, in your professional opinion, when you start to see and hear this you probably need some help.

Speaker 2: 37:30

So for me, very early on in caregiving in my family and then in my professional life, it's when you are constantly worried about the next thing that's going to happen and you can't sleep and it's all you think about. And maybe you're at work and it's distracting you the minute that those thoughts are spinning and you can't get rid of them and you can't focus on anything. That's one point, you know. The other point is when you're having to trade your time right. So you go to work and you got kids and you got a family and you're spending so much time with your loved one but everything else in your life is starting to suffer and people are starting to say to you I need more of your time, why are you spending so much time over there? That's another warning sign that gets missed and I've seen marriages destroyed because of that and it's a shame that caregivers can't see that their lives are becoming unbalanced.

Speaker 1: 38:35

Okay, here's the third crowd roar. Let's see. Now this is Bon Jovi and U2. That's my best rock, because I don't know a caregiver that does have balance, including myself, and I'm much better now, much better now than I used to be, but it's still. I'm still working on it, I'm still working on it, I'm still working on it, I'm still working on it, I'm still working on it. When caregivers beat themselves up Pamela, I'm sure you have had that come across with some of your clients hey, pamela, I'm doing all I can, but mom ended up in the hospital or dad fell. I'm screwing up, I'm trying so much, but I I don't think I'm doing a good job. I'm giving it all I got, but I'm, but I'm failing or I'm not doing well enough. What's your offer?

Speaker 2: 40:02

My advice is don't beat yourself up. In whatever situation you're doing, you're there and you're showing up, so you're doing the best that you can. So don't beat yourself up, because you can't control everything. You can't, honestly, stop your dad from falling. You can't stop somebody from having a heart attack. You can't stop them from getting sicker. You can do what you can do, but sometimes health issues just go their own way and there's nothing that you can do, no matter how much you want to. And I've been in those situations, too, where I wanted to save somebody so badly that I too felt bad when things went wrong. But there's so, so much of this is unpredictable and you can't control it. And the more other people are involved doctors, healthcare systems, hospitals, nursing homes the more uncontrollable it gets. So you have to find peace in your heart that you're doing everything you can and you're doing the best that you can, and that's all you can do, and you have to find peace with that.

Speaker 1: 41:11

I love it. I love it. This has been such a powerful and rewarding conversation. We've never had a testifying expert witness on the podcast before. I'm going to whisper that in my mom's ear. I don't know how much it will connect, but I think her spirit will hear it. I'm going to whisper that in my mom's ear. I don't know how much it will connect, but I think her spirit will hear it. I'm very proud to tell her that. I'm going to tell her later. Before we wrap up. Let me know, is there a bullet that you have that you can tell caregivers, like in a phrase or two, how do you make the healthcare system work for you If you're a caregiver? How do you just kind of get this beast to kind of you? Kind of just you're trying to get a square peg into a round hole, but what's a better way to hurt these cats?

Speaker 2: 42:15

first of all, don't give up. You have to be persistent, get your questions answered, ask them. What questions should I be asking you that I don't know to ask you? So if you don't have any medical expertise, problem is you don't know what to ask. What questions should I be asking you that I'm not? What are the unusual things that happen that I should look for? What are the unexpected things that can happen that I should look for? And, going back to the documentation, document everything so that you have notes and facts to give them, because that's where they live. They live in clinical notes and they live in documentation and they live in all that. So we sometimes have to go a little bit over to their side to help us get what we want. I love that.

Speaker 1: 42:57

What questions should I be asking you that I don't even know to ask?

Speaker 2: 43:04

It's a big one. I ask people that to this day.

Speaker 1: 43:09

That is golden. I love it. Thank you so much, pamela D Wilson. Pamela, I end every episode with three snuggle ups, and the snuggle up is something that is very difficult about being a caregiver, that you don't really want to do, but if you go ahead and snuggle up to it, your caregiver journey will be easier. So it's more like, hey, go ahead, get it over with, rip the bandaid off is one snuggle up that you can say about your caregiver journey or your life as a caregiver expert that you can share with us.

Speaker 2: 43:55

I would say the snuggle up is confronting reality. Okay, because sometimes we don't want to admit that our parents' health is getting worse or something's happening. We want to look on the bright side, which we need to look on the bright side because caregiving is so difficult. But sometimes we have to accept and ask the hard questions, and I'll use a health diagnosis. You know, and my mom's situation. We were so naive, we did not ask in this one particular case if surgery would have been a good idea, if she was healthy enough for surgery, if she'd be able to recover after surgery. But it was because we didn't know those questions to ask and, as a result, my mother had surgery. Looking back, she should have never had the surgery and she didn't recover and she died. Looking back, she should have never had the surgery and she didn't recover and she died. Because we were not, we were not equipped to confront reality. Yeah, well, it's true, it's true. So confronting reality is the snuggle up.

Speaker 1: 45:05

Let the community know every asset that you have your consulting services, your book website. Social media handles all of that. Please share.

Speaker 2: 45:21

So if you make it over to my website, it's Pamela D. So do you like dog Wilson dot com? There's three online courses there. They're all free. One is how to take care of aging parents extensive webinar program. The other one is about power of attorney, if you don't know about power of attorney, and the other one is about guardianship. Then there's my podcast. It's called the caring generation. My book is the caregiving trap. I have a group on Facebook called the caregiving trap. It's a private caregiving group where there's over a thousand caregivers in there from all over the world. Um, my YouTube channel has over 800 videos. I do videos every week. So if you have a question, you can fill out a form on the contact me page on my website and I will do a video for you. That's where you can also request a one-on-one consultation. But there's so much free information and resources on my website for people who are just searching for answers about dementia or how to deal with doctors or legal issues. A little bit of everything there.

Speaker 1: 46:20

Yay, you hear that. Community, parenting Up community all of you who are in various parts of the globe, pamela D Wilson has something for you and there's no cost attached. It is just a caregiving expert helping us make it through. Remember, alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't gotta be. Thank you so much, pamela. You are welcome anytime to come back and continue sharing. You have a good one.

Speaker 2: 46:54

Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1: 47:00

Let's snuggle up Number one. Okay, I hate it too, but the fact that, like a super expert just said it again, I'm like, oh God, I really have to do it. I guess of the legal documents that prove that you are who you are to your LO and you can make decisions for them with you to every doctor's appointment and to every hospitalization. Yeah, yes, it's a pain in the neck, and maybe you put it in some portal and perhaps it's supposed to already be in the doctor's files. But what if they can't find it and you run into a situation where they're trying to add a medication or they want to give some IV drip and you don't think it's a good idea? That's not the time for you to say yeah, but you can't see it. It's not on the file. Oh, you know what? We just changed systems last month and our old files haven't come over from the cloud to our new system. How many times have you heard some bull crap like that? Okay, that's me. Is that me venting? Anyway, keep it on you. Maybe it's a hard copy, maybe it's on your tablet or on your cell phone. You might have it digitally on you, but keep it on you. It's not worth it. If you've done the work to have that legal documentation created, put it on your person. It's like a driver's license. It's what allows you to drive the life of your LO.

Speaker 1: 49:05

Number two ask for professional opinions before the crisis occurs. Okay, that could be a serious game changer. Yeah, if your family member has a stroke, of course you're going to take them to the doctor. Or if they forget what city and state they live in, yeah, you're going to take them to the doctor. How about just get a few medical opinions way before something that off the rail occurs? You are not making them sick or ill. You're not bringing bad luck on them because you go and ask somebody. Hey, do you think something's wrong with my mama if she is now taking two hours to get home from church and it's supposed to take 20 minutes? You're not giving her all times. I put the T in there on purpose, remember, I'm a comedian. Go ahead, ask some questions. The sooner you ask questions, the easier this whole journey will be.

Speaker 1: 50:23

Number three Yo, it happens to us all Negative days, days, the days where your soul just won't get right with your brain. It's like you can't chew gum and walk at the same time and you wonder what the world happened. How come I can't pull it together? Who is going to come save me up out of this crisis of madness of caregiving? Okay, nobody. If they haven't come by now, they ain't coming. It's just a negative day or a negative minute. It's okay, it's going to pass. The same way, it won't rain forever. The sun is going to come back out. The same way, you won't have diarrhea forever. At some point, your stomach will stop bubbling. All right. Remember, you were the bleeding heart, the caring person who signed up for the job in the family, and you can make it through this. You can make it through it, all right. Yeah, what's up? Family, share this episode right here with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcasts. Follow us on social media and please subscribe to our YouTube channel.