To Be Content

064—What does it mean “to be content”? Does it mean giving up on what you want and settling for what you have? What does it feel like to have it? Is it a path to peace? In this episode, learn what contentment is—and isn’t—and the four steps to guide you to it. It’s something you want, trust me.

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Transcript

Mary Obana 0:05 

I'm Mary Obana. Welcome to Shine. I’m all about friendly, soul-nourishing, spiritually-inspired conversations that expand perspectives and offer practical guidance so you can live joyfully and shine brightly. 

I believe:

Everyone has something special within them, a unique gift—a light you are to find and share with the world. You are here to shine. 

I believe:

You have a deep knowing; guidance that is ready to serve you. It is always available if you listen.

I believe:

You are here to live with complete joy and peace—nothing less. It’s just awaiting your allowing. 

Ready to get to it? Here we go!

Mary Obana 00:54

Hey there. Welcome back! I’m so glad you are here!

In my opening, I just said that we are here to live with complete joy and peace, but I also recognize that it’s often easier said than done. We all WANT to live in joy and peace, of course! But why doesn’t it always feel that way? Why can’t we just be content? And what is contentment anyway? Here are my thoughts on the subject.

We live in a culture of DOING, don’t we? It can feel like we are falling behind if we aren’t driving forward. We set goals, we decide what we want, where we want to be, and who we want to be with, then we crank out our to-do lists, and despite our greatest intentions and our most productive days, it seems the list has a way of growing ever longer, and we live attached to all that we have yet to get done. 

And if it’s not a physical list, it can be those thoughts – that voice in our head -- telling us we should be doing more. We should be “more.” Maybe it’s being a better parent, partner, friend, son, or daughter; maybe we have a nagging voice that tells us we should make more money, have a better job, or work out more. I mean, the list goes on and on. Will we ever be able to relax? Will we ever be satisfied? Will peace ever come?

Our son Kai is home from college this summer. He’s ambitious, working double shifts as a line cook at our town’s favorite eating spot while launching a business of his own that he’s super passionate about. He has this app that tracks his constantly growing to-do list. He wakes up in the middle of the night to add things to it. I’m not kidding! There’s so much he wants to do. But he said something to Michael and me a few weeks ago that we hadn’t heard him say before. He said, “I’m content.” On a walk we took the next day, Michael said that comment stopped him in his tracks. Content. Wow. It got us talking.

Michael has spent his life as an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs are an interesting breed – there’s no end to vision and ideas and an innate thirst to create… to build. I have such admiration for his ability to take an idea and make it real. To turn a blank sheet of paper into a business. On our walk, he marveled at the peace Kai has found at his age. Michael shared how when he was Kai’s age, he used to think being content meant settling, giving up. I mean, he could never relax. There was always so much more to do. So much pressure to be productive, to drive, to achieve. And I don’t think he’s alone. I think a lot of people may feel this way. Michael admitted it took him decades to understand what it truly means to be content.

Our culture values accomplishment and results. What you DO. There is a pervasive sense that we need to push constantly. And if we don’t, we can feel we aren’t doing enough, not being enough. Our minds compare us to others and set expectations that leave us feeling unworthy and discontented. We are conditioned to focus on what remains to BE DONE, without appreciation or acknowledging what HAS been done—what IS. There is such a pervasive dissatisfaction that makes it challenging to just “be” and to see what is right in front of us. To see the good. To feel the good. 

Now I recognize that there are circumstances – tragedies, health states, life situations – that can make this challenging or seemingly implausible at times, but in general, there’s so much chasing, yearning, and clawing in our culture, isn’t there? So much wanting to be someplace other than where we are. Gosh, even the pursuit of happiness is a chase of its own kind. 

So, what does it mean to be content? 

I like this definition of contentment: right here, right now, in the moment, everything is perfect as it is. It’s not just a feeling; it’s more a state of being, of unconditional wholeness, regardless of what is happening externally. It is about directing your attention inward to find the peace that is already WITHIN you. It is the only relational emotion that requires no external input because it is sourced entirely from the inside. Contentment recognizes that we are whole and complete regardless of any feelings of anxiety, frustration, sadness, or guilt that we may feel from time to time. Instead of seeking external sources of happiness, which can feel outside our control, contentment offers remarkable stability because it isn’t dependent upon them. Contentment is lasting, a way of being that continues to be felt even when things outside aren’t exactly as we might want them to be. Being content is being filled with a sense of “enoughness” rather than that urge for “moreness.” 

So does being content mean we don’t pursue, that we are to suspend our motivation and put away our goals? Nope. It means we pursue and are motivated to work toward those goals with a beautiful sort of acceptance and an appreciation of where we ARE in all moments. There is a different energy we bring to our pursuits when there is peace in what is. Being content is not stopping. It’s not being complacent. It’s being content with the moment. Contentment comes from the heart, the soul – not the mind. Contentment comes from within us. Our minds are sneaky and create resistance telling us we can’t be content; we can’t feel peace; we can’t appreciate what is because there’s more to do, more to achieve, more to be. We are to breathe in the contentment. The peace. The love. We are to let go of those thoughts of lack and sink into the “isness” of what exists. The moment that is.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with Richard Rohr. He’s a Franciscan friar, an author, spiritual teacher and the founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation. He says, “Contentment is detaching. All great spirituality is about letting go.”

I see a strong connection between contentment and spirituality. Because it is true, both require letting go. Accepting what is and detaching from the belief that our well-being depends on something other than what we already have. And a trusting that we are not alone, that we are connected to a loving energy – call it Spirit, Source, the Universe, God, whatever connects with you. There’s a peace that comes with this connection – a trust even in the most challenging of circumstances that there is so much in motion we cannot see that is serving our highest good.

But the notion of being content can be misunderstood. It does NOT mean settling.

Settling feels like you need more – there is no pleasure in settling.

Being content means you are pleased with what you have.

Settling makes us feel vulnerable, uncertain, and afraid.

Being content feels secure.

Settling means we have to give up on the goals.

Being content allows us to pursue our goal, trusting in the process.

Settling leaves us feeling angry and bitter.

When you are content, you are filled with gratitude for what is.

Settling feels like regret – thinking about all that could have been.

Being content feels like peace. Being good with what is. 

So how do we find contentment?

The way I see it, four things lead us to contentment.

First, acceptance. Acceptance of yourself, acceptance of others, acceptance of your circumstances. It doesn’t mean you tolerate something wrong, put up with bad behavior, or sit idly while harm or injustices are being committed. Acceptance is a conscious decision to recognize the reality of the moment.

Second gratitude, shifting the focus of your attention to what is rather than what is not. Truly, gratitude is the choice to see the gift in all things. And whether we realize it or not, we always are choosing how we look at things.

Third, contentment requires letting go. Detaching from the thoughts that tell us our well-being is tied to something we do not yet have and the fear that tells us we cannot give up control.

And perhaps most important, the path to contentment requires trust. 

So back to Kai. He is still ambitious, has big ideas on where he is going, and has hit his share of bumps – some BIG ones! But he’s found contentment in the moments along the way. I am so grateful for that. It hasn’t always been that way. There’s a trust that is required to do that. It’s that spiritual perspective knowing that there is something at play we cannot see. Accepting the moment that is particularly when things aren’t going as we’d like, and trusting there is a gift in it, even if we can’t see it just yet. 

Living in that place of contentment is a practice. We all have moments where we will be challenged to stay there, but being content is about letting go. Trusting. That way of being that already exists within you, and that is independent of anything that is or isn’t happening outside of you. And what a beautiful place that is to be.

To be content. This is my wish for you. And you already have everything you need to find it.

Thanks for joining me today. Until next time, take it easy.