Dianne Sotomey

In this episode, Dr Peter Blundell interviews Dianne Sotomey.

Dianne Sotomey is the bestselling author of her new book “Check Your Thoughts! Your Life Depends on It”! - How your thoughts shape your everyday life and who you become. She is also a UKCP-registered psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and trainer. In addition to that, Dianne coaches women in leadership to overcome limiting beliefs and self-doubt. Her expertise in mental health and well-being extends beyond her 1:1 work, as she also delivers talks on various related topics and training to foster parents and social workers across the UK.  Dianne is a visiting tutor at the TA East Institute for Psychotherapy and Counselling and currently resides in the tranquil countryside of Suffolk, England.

Dianne's Details
Instagram @diannesotomey
TikTok: diannesotomey
Website: diannesotomey.com

Peter's Details
Website: www.peterblundell.com
Social Media: @drpeterblundell

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Transcript

Peter Blundell: 0:40

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Therapist Connect Podcast. My name is Dr. Peter Blundell. And today we're interviewing Diane Sotomey. Diane is the best selling author of her new book, Check Your Thoughts, Your Life Depends On It, about how your thoughts shape your everyday life and who you become. She's also a UKCP registered psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and trainer. In addition to that she coaches women in leadership, overcoming limiting beliefs and self doubt. Her expertise in mental health and well being extends beyond her one to one work, as she also delivers talks on various related topics and training to foster parents and social workers across the UK. Diane is a visiting tutor at the TA East Institute for Psychotherapy and Counseling, and currently resides in the tranquil countryside of Suffolk, England. If you enjoyed this episode of The Therapist Connect podcast, please go to your favorite podcast platform and leave us a review. So Diane, thank you so much for coming on the Therapist Connect podcast. It's lovely to meet you and to chat a little bit about your your life and your work.

Dianne Sotomey: 1:50

Hi, Peter, good to finally meet you.

Peter Blundell: 1:55

Yeah, no, it's great to meet you too. And it was so nice for you to reach out.

Dianne Sotomey: 2:00

And I'm grateful for you having me on. So grateful.

Peter Blundell: 2:05

Absolutely. I'm sure all our listeners will love hearing your story and hearing a bit more about you. So be really, really exciting. Could you tell our listeners, how did you come to be a therapist in the first place? What drew you into this profession?

Dianne Sotomey: 2:23

Yeah, so I never ever thought about wanting to become a therapist, it wasn't something that was part of my career plan. But um, I worked with traumatized children for 14 years as a foster parent. And whilst I was working with them, I realized that a lot of the behaviors that they were exhibiting were quite extreme. And I quickly came to the conclusion that my traditional parenting and how I understood the everyday parenting was not going to be enough, I needed a little bit more. And so realizing that plus also seeing the limits, that the behaviors were placing on them, made me become very curious, in wanting to understand trauma, and the role that it plays in the lives of others, especially young children. So that was what led me into going to the Metanoia Institute, to train to become a psychotherapist. And, yeah, I stumbled into it, but I'm so grateful that I did.

Peter Blundell: 3:36

That's really interesting. So I`m a therapist, I'm also a social worker. So I've worked with lots of foster carers in the past and kind of how much hard work it is and how much care that people put into into doing that role. And one of the things I was thinking about when you were talking then is actually how, well they do get training, but obviously, a little training in terms of like mental health and understanding children's behavior and, and things like that. So I can resonate with me kind of view kind of doing the role of and kind of going hold on that maybe there's more knowledge or understanding that I need to be able to do this.

Dianne Sotomey: 4:13

Yes, because you're sort of trained on how to work with them therapeutically. But if you don't have a psychotherapeutic background, it's a lot to grasp, especially if you've had a childhood where, you know what, that wasn't very therapeutic in that way. You were sort of told, you were, just did as you were told, and you didn't argue back. And so your expect at least I was like sort of expecting that what I was teaching, they would lap it up. So naive. They were just sort of, I think I just had my own naive expectations of what I thought it was going to be because I had lived quite a privileged lifestyle and lived in a bit of a bubble. So you just don't know what you don't know. But I knew I had a lot to offer. You know, so it was a big awakening and a big shock. And I'm so grateful because each each one of those children taught me so much and really made me understand so much more about life. You know, so I was meant to be helping them that I felt like they taught me so much.

Peter Blundell: 5:33

That's the way I'm always thinking when you talk and it's it's like quite often we parent how we've been parented. Yes, because that's, that's that's the kind of unnatural way, isn't it to kind of think like that. And but when you're foster carer, and obviously, children and young people come from so many different backgrounds, and experiences that actually having that kind of therapy, that idea of therapeutic approach or, or different styles and ways of working with different children and young people is really important. And it's almost something that you can't like you were saying there, you might have been taught it in a class, but actually, you really need to know it.

Dianne Sotomey: 6:10

Yeah, that's it. Because as you're being taught in the class, you're thinking, Well, you don't know what it's like living with this child. Do you know what how they push my buttons? You know, and so I knew because they trigger your own unmet needs. You know, and, and I knew that I knew I wanted

Peter Blundell: 6:22

Yeah. to do a great job. And I knew in order to do that, I needed to find another way. And yeah, psychotherapy really helped me in really understanding what was going on for them at a much deeper level than just what I was being taught every three or four months. Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about your career so far? Then how did that how did that work out once you were trained and qualified?

Dianne Sotomey: 6:55

Yes. So I did. I was a foster parent for a long time. But then I also I've been running my private practice side by side. But then, whilst I was working as a psychotherapist, I also became a trainer. So I, what after I did my PTSDA, which is, I'm a TA, psychotherapist. So PTSDA is another qualification that allows you to be able to train. And so after I did that, I decided to put trainings together for local authorities, and for fostering organizations to really help them work therapeutically and understand the behaviors that a lot of the children were exhibiting, and just to know how to work with that, because I felt like I didn't only have the knowledge, but I also had the experience. So working in that way, was really useful for a lot of the foster parents because they felt understood. And so I do, I still do that. And I also trained a bit at the Metanoia Institute, and also work as the visiting tutor at the TA East Institute. So I do a lot of training. And recently, I've become a best selling author.

Peter Blundell: 8:22

Congratulations.

Dianne Sotomey: 8:23

Thank you. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. And as a result of that, I'm now doing a lot of speaking, and a lot of coaching as well. So it's sort of it feels like slightly different. But it's all I see it all. It's still part of my psychotherapy, because it's just different branches off my psychotherapy, but then yeah, so that's sort of how, and there's loads of other things I do in between, but this is the bulk of what I do.

Peter Blundell: 8:52

That's exciting. Congratulations on the book. Can you tell our listeners a little bit about how the book came about, then what led you to write it?

Dianne Sotomey: 9:01

Okay, so just like psychotherapy, I had never ever thought of writing a book. But I remember I was on a walk one day, and I live in the countryside. So I'm surrounded by loads of farms. And as I was walking, I saw one side of the road where there was a farm with meticulous planted rows of corn, and it looked so beautiful. And the other side was an unkempt land with bushes and everything, a medley of plants. And so I couldn't, it was just something I had seen. And I had seen them so many times. But on this particular day, I couldn't get what I had seen out of my mind, and it wasn't anything extraordinary. But I was struck by it. And I realized the reason it struck me was because the the the other side of the land that looked so meticulous was to do with the part of me that seemed so put together and you know, flawless. And the other side that was so unkempt was just how I was feeling internally. Because I was going through a divorce at the time. And I just felt so out of control on so many different levels emotionally. However, I looked so together and that made me want to understand the relationship between my thoughts and my body. Because I realized that if only my mind could look like that those rows of corn with the thoughts I was planting, I feel so much better. So I started doing all this research and I was really enjoying everything I was learning. And that really inspired me. And as I put it into practice, I started to see so many changes in my life. And I had gone from going to bed thinking the same thoughts, experiencing the same feelings, but looking for a different outcome, to actually being able to go to bed, thinking positive thoughts, and waking up feeling alive and excited and wanting to do something different, but it was a process. But it meant me having to be deliberate and intentional. And as a psychotherapist, I do understand the relationship between the mind and body. But what I hadn't done was I had never figured out how to put that into practice on a daily basis. So I had a lot of knowledge, but I wasn't applying it. And it wasn't until I started to apply it, I started to see, you know what, actually, everything begins with thoughts. I know that. But it still didn't register, that for the first time, it was beginning to register. And then I thought, I bet you there's loads of people out there that are just like me, who have a lot of knowledge about thoughts, but don't think much about it. It's just generalized. And at the same time, lots of clients were coming to me with similar problems that I was struggling with, and that I had overcome. And I thought, You know what, I really want to put this in a book, because each time I'd share it with them, it was like a light bulb moment would go off. And I thought I need to do this. So that was how the idea of the book came about.

Peter Blundell: 12:16

That's fantastic. Such a vivid image of those fields and kind of the difference that really resonates with me, and I love the idea of kind of Yeah, we have all this knowledge and understanding as therapists but then actually the sometimes the implementation of it is a very different thing, isn't it? You know, we can talk about things and we can, and we can explore them, but actually actually then making changes and actually adapting and changing the way we think or act or interact with people is really important.

Dianne Sotomey: 12:46

Absolutely. Because I found it was it what sort of reinforced everything I was doing was as a result of the divorce, my own son had a breakdown. And then soon after that my my mum got diagnosed with dementia. And these were all some sort of thoughts disturbance diagnosis that they had both been given. So it just made me even more interested in understanding that and and as they were both as my son was getting better, and I asked him, so what really helped. Even before him knowing I was writing the book, he just said, mum, it's my thinking. It's the way I was thinking. And I thought it seems so simple. But yet, it's so powerful if we understand just how much our thoughts matter. And I think most of us understand that, but we don't think about it. And we have to be intentional for it to actually make sense. You know, so I get very excited when I think about it just because I see what it's done in my life and in the lives of those around me. So I'm on a bit of a mission with that.

Peter Blundell: 14:02

So, do you want to say the name of your book? Because, our listeners will be really interested in that?

Dianne Sotomey: 14:11

Yes, so the book is called, Check Your Thoughts, Your Life Depends On It. And it's all about how our thoughts shape our lives, and our everyday how our thoughts shape our everyday lives.

Peter Blundell: 14:27

I think you've I mean, you've hinted that in terms of how you've talked about the book, but what are your hopes for people to get out of the book when they when they read it?

Dianne Sotomey: 14:36

Well, I'm hoping that people will be able to, it would provoke them. But also, it would offer a new approach to a new approach to dealing with situations in their lives. So that it's not so much about the situation changing or the problem going away. But it's finding a way of recognizing how much in control we are, of how we want to feel. So that it's not as because until we understand that we can often feel like we're being done too or we're in an unfair position or where some kind of an anomaly because things are just keep happening, which is how I felt like I was an anomaly because he felt like so many things were were happening all at once, but actually understanding that I had control in how I thought about them, and how I how I saw them, actually and that I had the power within me to reach for different thoughts, that would make me feel better. That actually was like an eye opener. But I say it's so simple, but yet it can feel so complicated. And so I'm hoping that as people read the book, they'd actually come to grips with how much control and power they have over their own lives and not to leave their lives to chance by thinking that I don't have any power and what's happening to me, because we always do.

Peter Blundell: 16:11

It sounds like a simple idea, but it's maybe a bit more challenging, is it to put that into practice, you know, like you were saying before, in doubt, right intention in terms of how I'm going to wake up and how I'm going to see the world.

Dianne Sotomey: 16:22

And that's it. Yeah, that's it. So So even in my, on my website, which is DianeSotomey.com, I have put together some meditative practice, that helps, which is free for people to download, because I think one cannot implement these things without some kind of a daily practice. And so otherwise, it can just be, oh, let me just fake it till I make it. That doesn't work. But it's about really putting really cultivating some kind of daily practice that allows you to reflect, think about make sense of work through and to really be intentional about how you want to see your day, what do you need to put in place? What is it going to take? So yeah, so put that together to just It's a 30 day challenge to help people really commit to thinking about what they think about.

Peter Blundell: 17:22

And that's really important there what you're saying in terms of, it's no good, is it if we just pretend everything's okay. And we'll just pretend it's all great. And then and then we'll move through that. And I think what you're talking about is actually spending some time, mindfully thinking about your life, what you're putting out into the world, how you're receiving the world, and that and that type of thing.

Dianne Sotomey: 17:44

That's it. Absolutely. Yes.

Peter Blundell: 17:47

Brilliant. Fantastic. That sounds exciting. I haven't read it yet. But I'm looking forward to reading it. And seeing all the insights in there. So what comes next for you, then? What is it that you have got coming up in the future? Are you writing another book?

Dianne Sotomey: 18:03

Well, I would like to at some point, but this has only just come out. So I think at the moment, I'm just on this mission to get to schools to get to universities, because I do you feel like a lot of schools, don't teach children how to think, you know, and I do feel there is a way that we can be taught to think that enables us to deal with the challenges that life throws at us, because those challenges will never stop coming. And if you are somebody like me who believe when bad things happen in life, it's because you've sinned, or you've done something terrible. So God is having a go at you what, it just compounds the feelings, you know, and I know I'm not the only one who has thought like that before. So having a way and approach to thinking and dealing with situations that come up, can be so freeing. And so permission giving to an empowering to think you know what, this is part of life. I am equipped, I am powerful. I can deal with these things that come at me. Yes, it's yes, it is painful. But I also know I have the strength to overcome. Yes, it is challenging. But I also know I have wisdom. Do you know what I mean? It's looking at the opposites at the opposite side of each coin. Because if one side of the coin says, if you're if one side of the coin is not a full expression of the coin, is the same one side of a thought is not the full expression of the whole view. So if I feel down, then I also know I have the capability of being happy. If I feel useless. I also know I'm very useful. Do you see what I mean? So it's being able to tap into both and, and if I can do that, then the side that views negative doesn't overpower me, because I also know I have this other side too. You know. So that's just an example of being able to think differently, of what's happening and how we're feeling and to reach for thoughts that actually match the other side of what feels negative. Because it keeps us in balance. I think.

Peter Blundell: 20:27

It sounds like really valuing all the different parts of you and if you knew about before, is maybe sometimes people's thinking only focuses on one aspect of the self or the situation and actually, what your book asking people to do is open that up a little bit and say actually, there's may be other things going on here that you haven't recognized yet.

Dianne Sotomey: 20:45

That's it? Yes. Yes. Yes. So. So yeah, so that's really what I want to get across. So that's my mission to elevate human consciousness one thought at a time now, it sounds so big.

Peter Blundell: 21:05

I mean, it does sound so big, but one thought at a time, I think is lovely. And that takes it back to the real that idea of a daily practices that you can't focus on everything that's going on in our life at the moment, or maybe we can think about this one thought that we have at that moment in time.

Dianne Sotomey: 21:21

That's it.

Peter Blundell: 21:23

Very excited, I think, you know, there's so much we talk about this podcast a lot, obviously, about the values of therapy, and, and all of that kind of thing, but it's nice to hear, spreading the knowledge and understanding through different forms of ways of learning, you know, and kind of books like yours are really important, you know, to kind of add to that system of knowledge that we've got out there about ways we can live our lives differently.

Dianne Sotomey: 21:48

I believe so, I believe so. Because even as a psychotherapist, I, as much as I am the biggest advocate for for therapy, and be someone who's been in therapy for quite a while, I still feel like sometimes just finding other ways of supporting yourself is so necessary, because a lot of what I learned, I probably, I knew it. But somehow I had to step outside of my therapeutic space to go and find it. Because I don't know if I would have found it in the same way in which I got it from somewhere else. Because I had to go and do my own research on it. And therapy was a safe base that enabled me to go and do that. So was like my safe space. So I could go and explore while still feeling grounded in held in my therapeutic space to just go and find means that while still finding me within my therapy, if you know what I mean.

Peter Blundell: 22:54

Yeah, it reminds me of when I was training, and before I got into counseling, training, to read lots of different self help books and things like that. And it was certain ones that really resonated with me. And I remember starting my training and, and being like, this is this amazing book, and some people kind of going, 'Oh, I'm not really into that that book', you know, when I was like getting devastated, I was like,'What do you mean? This is like, amazing, it's changed my life'. And I'm thinking differently. But for them, it was a completely different other book, you know, or, or podcast or film or whatever it was that it really, really resonated with them. And I think that was eye opening to me in terms of like, the different things that different people get. And also, like you were saying, in therapy, you know, yes, we can processing stuff, but we can't go through every single book, you know, that therapist has ever read, some things we have to come to on our own.

Dianne Sotomey: 23:45

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So again, I see that as taking control of your life and thinking, what do you need? What do you want? Because each time we ask ourselves, what do we want? It forces us to think differently? Because often when you ask people what they want, they say they tell you what they don't want. You know, I don't know if you've ever noticed that. But when you say, 'what would you want? they go, I know what I don't want'.

Peter Blundell: 24:12

which is a good starting point. But it's not what you want.

Dianne Sotomey: 24:16

Because what we don't want is what we will always focus on if that's all we think about, you know, as opposed to what we want, because the more you we think about what we want, it keeps us focused on what we want. So yeah,

Peter Blundell: 24:30

Fantastic. Do you know what Diana could speak to all morning? It's been, it's been absolutely lovely. And thank you so much for being a guest on the Therapist Connect podcast. We wish you all the best and more success with your new boook. So thank you.

Dianne Sotomey: 24:47

Thank you. It's been such a pleasure being on the show on the podcast with you Peter, like you I could also talk forever.

Peter Blundell: 24:59

We must do it again. Thank you.

Dianne Sotomey: 25:02

That would be lovely. Thank you. Yeah, thanks a lot. Bye bye.

Peter Blundell: 25:09

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