The Silent Money Stress Killing Couples (It’s Worse Than Fighting)

Most people think money problems look like constant arguments. But some of the most financially stuck couples never fight at all — they just carry the stress quietly. And in this episode, Sherman Merricks breaks down why silent money stress is often more dangerous than fighting, and what to do about it.

Sherman and Cristina Merricks paid off $203,000 in 27 months — as featured on The Dave Ramsey Show, Fox News, and Fox Business. In this episode Sherman shares what their quiet stress actually looked like, why couples go silent about money, and the one conversation that changes everything.

IN THIS EPISODE:
— Why the most dangerous money problem doesn't look like a fight
— The 3 reasons couples stop talking about money (shame, fear of conflict, different money personalities)
— What "silent money stress" actually looks like day to day
— How one honest conversation became the turning point for Sherman and Cristina
— The 2 questions to ask your partner this week to break the silence

FREE RESOURCE:
The Couples Money Date Guide — the exact step-by-step conversation format Sherman and Cristina used before paying off $203K. Download free at the link below.
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As seen on The Dave Ramsey Show · Fox News · Fox Business

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

All right, guys, here we go. Another episode of Matrimony and Money. This is the Matrimony and Money Podcast. So, first of all, welcome back. Um, if you're new here, I'm Sherman. My wife, Christina, and I, we paid off $203,000 in 27 months. Right? We've been featured on Fox News, Fox Business. Uh, we did our debt-free screen on the Dave Ramsey show, which was uh, you know, which was an incredible experience because we had actually gone there a couple times before we even did our debt screen, sort of keep us motivated. Uh, but today I want to talk about something that nobody really in the personal finance space talks about enough, right? Most people think that money problems look like constant arguments, screaming matches about credit cards, you know, fights about spending, ultimatums, about debt. But here's what I've learned from our experience in talking to hundreds of couples since we started along this sort of personal finance journey is that the most dangerous money problem doesn't look like a fight, it looks like silence, right? Christine and I, we never really thought about money. We were just that couple that just carried it, right? $203,000 in debt. And if you looked at us from the outside, everything seemed fine. We smiled, we showed up, we were great parents, uh, great spouses to each other. But underneath, we were exhausted, especially me. Especially me. Because it was the tension when the bills hit or the kids needed stuff, you know, the mental math I was doing before every purchase. And, you know, for me, like going to bed, knowing exactly how much debt we were carrying, and waking up knowing that it was still there, right? That's what the silent money stress looks like. And I know I'm not the only one who's lived that, right? Here's what I've come to believe. Couples who stress silently about money are often in more trouble than the couples who fight about it. Because at least if you're fighting about it, it means you're talking about it, right? Silence just lets it grow. When you're not talking about money, not really talking about it, the debt doesn't just sit in your bank account. It sits between like you and your spouse, right? You and your partner. And over time, that weight starts to affect how you communicate, how you make decisions, how connected you feel to each other. So my question is, why do couples go silent about money in the first place? In my experience, this comes down to three things. Number one, you're shame, right? I've been there. I was ashamed to admit that I had all this debt because my wife really had none from school. I had all of it. Nobody really wants to admit how bad it is, not to their partner, not even to themselves. Like I said, I cared about $190,000 in student loans for years, letting it build interest, never sitting down and looking at the full number. I just knew it was a lot from a little bit of undergrad and grad school because looking at it made it real. Number two, fear of conflict, not really, because I know some couples they avoid the conversations because the last time they had it, it turned into a real argument. So they sort of just stop having it, which feels like peace because you're not fighting, but it's actually just deferred stress because eventually you're gonna have to deal with it. Number three, different money personalities, right? One spouse usually wants to talk about it, the other shuts down. One is a saver, one is a spender. One is a tracker, the other avoids. And when two people handle money stress differently, silence sort of becomes the default, right? That's just where we are. You don't have to fix everything to break the silence, right? You just have to have to start one real conversation. For Christine and I, that conversation was the turning point. It wasn't a perfect budget, it wasn't this financial advisor, just the two of us sitting down, looking at the full picture together, and deciding we're done. Like it's over with. Um, we're tired of carrying this debt. Silently, a few friends knew about it. I say we're gonna attack it together. And here's the cool thing: 27 months later, $203,000 gone. So here's what I want you to do this week. Have the money date, right? Not a budget meeting, not a spreadsheet session, a conversation. Ask your partner two questions. One, on a scale of one to ten, how stressed do you feel about money right now? That's question one. Two, what would it feel like to have this debt completely gone? What would we do first? Christina and I did that. That's it. Just start there. And here's the cool thing: if you want a step-by-step guide for exactly how to run that conversation, we put together a free couple's money date guide. It'll be in the show notes. Uh, it'll be on Instagram. Go grab it because I know that this will be a game changer for many, many couples. Man, I can't tell you guys how many times I would, you know, I would be having a good time. I would be out with friends, just sort of relaxing. And all of a sudden, I would just think about the debt, right? So maybe I hear someone talking about their debt, their student loans, and it would just crush me, put, change the mood immediately. But like I told you earlier, I would not sort of quote unquote go there. I knew I had student loans. For us, that was the primary thing. I knew I had that, but I didn't know exactly how much. And again, I can remember the first time, one of the first times I really logged in. First, it was super complicated because I had all these grad plus loans and blah, blah, blah. And it was hard to sort of keep track with them. But once I figured out, I had them transferred to one place, and I would just log in and look at them, right? I would uh, you know, I would even, you know, put them in order. You know, you could toggle it, put them in order from smallest to largest, and I would just say, man, one day, like, one day, I hope this can be gone. But I saw no way out, right? I'm just being honest with you guys. When when Christina and I sat down and did the math based on our income at the current time, it was going to take us six years to pay off the debt. Six years based on our income. I can't remember what it was back then, but I know it's gonna take us like about five and a half, six years to pay it off. And I was just thinking, oh my gosh, this is going to suck for everyone. I was like, my kid, like I remember thinking, man, my oldest just gonna be graduating high school and we're just to get out of debt, blah, blah, blah. But we said we're gonna do it. We made the decision, we drew the line in the sand. And it's always it's funny to me that when you get really focused, how things change. I never dreamed in, you know, I didn't like I didn't dream in a million years that we would pay off the $200,000 in 27 months because my income wasn't that big when we started. But I will say this because a lot of people like to say, well, if I made more money, I would do XYZ. But that's not necessarily true because if you can't handle $10, you can't handle $100. You can't have handle $100, you can't handle $1,000, and we can go, you know, we can play that out more and more. Again, getting on a strict budget, regardless of your income, really helps when you're trying to get out of debt, right? It really, really helps. My wife and I, we sat out, we knew our baseline, right? We knew our baseline. Okay, this is what we need to make per month. I'm just making numbers up. We need to make $4,000 per month. That covers everything. Uh we're good. And like I told you guys, when we did the math, it was like, okay, it's gonna take us five and a half years to pay this debt off. So as my income increased, as our income increased, we didn't increase our living expenses. We didn't take big vacations and do all this stuff because we made more money. We basically just continued to live on that, whatever it was, that $4,000 a month, and everything that was surplus went directly to the debt. And again, for us, I like to say there was a little uh, you know, there was a little luck involved and stuff like that because when we were in it, the that was, you know, that was COVID happening, they put the pause on the student loan interest. So obviously that was a huge help because over the course of two years we paid zero interest. So I was able to see in real time if I paid a hundred dollars on the student loans, it went but it went down by a hundred bucks. Obviously, that's passed. So if you have a lot of student loans now and you pay a hundred bucks, depending on how much you have, you know, you may see it go down by 20 bucks, 15 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever it is. So we did a lot of things that really hurt during that time, but now being on the flip side, I look back and I would do it every day of the week. That's why I'm so passionate about helping couples really get out of debt because I know it can change the trajectory of your legacy, it can change the trajectory of your kids' wives and all of this stuff. So I hope this really spoke to someone today, because we're gonna be diving into this, right? I wanna see my wife and I, we want to see marriages uh changed, right? So when you download the free date night guide, send it to another couple. Um because I know that if you really get serious about this, it is going to change everything, right? Because the free couple's money date guide, it's a game changer, right? It's not super complicated. You just have to do it, right? Send it to a couple, even if you're not indebted, you're listening to this, send it to a couple that you know who's caring this quietly, right? Because chances are they need to hear it. So be sure to subscribe to the show, right? Uh we're on Apple, we're on Spotify, and be sure to follow us on Instagram at No Debt Life. Uh, because we're going to be posting content between episodes. And as always, tell a friend to tell a friend to tune in, and we'll chat with you guys next week.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

All right. All right. Thank you for listening to the Matrimony and Money Podcast. We hope you enjoyed. And of course, feel free to hit that subscribe button and leave us a review. Now, to be a part of this show and get your financial and marriage questions answered, send your emails to matrimonyandmoney at gmail.com. That's matrimonyandmoney at gmail.com. Until next time, we bless you with a loving marriage and the ability to build generational wealth. Oh yeah!