Embark on an enlightening odyssey with me, as we navigate the intricate web of our relational selves and the profound impact of our early attachments on our adult relationships. Ever pondered the possibility of measuring relational intelligence, akin to IQ or EQ? We delve deep into this concept, examining how our 'clean slate' at birth evolves through experiences and attachment styles, shaping our interactions and connections. Our journey uncovers the developmental influences that craft our relational behaviors and the pivotal role of understanding our own attachment styles in nurturing meaningful partnerships.
Peeling back the layers of our subconscious, this episode reveals the compelling stories we construct about our self-worth and how they guide us—often unknowingly—toward certain partners in a dance of unconscious coupling. We tackle the narratives spun from adverse childhood experiences that can entrap us in a cycle of unworthiness, and the transformative power of confronting these tales head-on. By expanding our self-perception, we unlock the potential for genuine connections, realizing that the world we perceive is merely a reflection of our internal dialogue.
As our exploration reaches its zenith, we confront the distressing reality of societal pressures that mask our authentic selves in exchange for acceptance. Together, we unravel the joy of rekindling the playfulness of our early existence, the therapeutic potency of relationships, and the essentiality of connection for our well-being. Through the poignant lens of cultural and psychological insights, I invite you to discover your relational self in order to become the best possible version of yourself.
Embark on an enlightening odyssey with me, as we navigate the intricate web of our relational selves and the profound impact of our early attachments on our adult relationships. Ever pondered the possibility of measuring relational intelligence, akin to IQ or EQ? We delve deep into this concept, examining how our 'clean slate' at birth evolves through experiences and attachment styles, shaping our interactions and connections. Our journey uncovers the developmental influences that craft our relational behaviors and the pivotal role of understanding our own attachment styles in nurturing meaningful partnerships.
Peeling back the layers of our subconscious, this episode reveals the compelling stories we construct about our self-worth and how they guide us—often unknowingly—toward certain partners in a dance of unconscious coupling. We tackle the narratives spun from adverse childhood experiences that can entrap us in a cycle of unworthiness, and the transformative power of confronting these tales head-on. By expanding our self-perception, we unlock the potential for genuine connections, realizing that the world we perceive is merely a reflection of our internal dialogue.
As our exploration reaches its zenith, we confront the distressing reality of societal pressures that mask our authentic selves in exchange for acceptance. Together, we unravel the joy of rekindling the playfulness of our early existence, the therapeutic potency of relationships, and the essentiality of connection for our well-being. Through the poignant lens of cultural and psychological insights, I invite you to discover your relational self in order to become the best possible version of yourself.
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce conversations where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, igor Meistelman, a divorce attorney turn relationship coach. Okay, hello everybody, we're back, and today I want to talk about a concept that has been more and more solidifying in my mind as to how we relate to others. What makes us relate the way we do, and can we conceptualize it and maybe even create for it like a test, a quotient? The way we have IQ for intellect, now there's also EQ emotional quotient. Perhaps there's also something to be said about intelligence in the realm of us being able to be relational. Different people relate definitely to others, but when we go into relationships, especially romantic relationships, which are some of the hardest relationships to navigate, we don't pause and spend time on thinking what kind of a relational self do I bring to the picture and how that's going to impact how I manage the relationship, how I relate, whether it's to the spouse, to my children. And the more we could unpack and have a better grasp on how our relational self operates, then perhaps the more we'll be able to improve and make our relationships be more effective, more meaningful, with reduction of arguments and tension and disputes, because we will understand each of our respective relational selves. So let's take a look at how this journey even begins.
Speaker 1:When we are born, the premises were all born in a certain way like a clean slate. We are totally open, available for exploration, just a state of curiosity, of wonder, and everything is open. Everything is sort of up for grabs. We're like wet cement and the world around us could leave deep, lasting impressions and of course some of those impressions could be meaningful and life transforming and bring us towards another step closer towards our greatness, our own development. And then there are things that could happen in life that could stifle, that could take away from that journey. Typically we refer to these things as trauma, whether it's capital T trauma or a little t trauma, and today more and more phrase ACE is used. Ace stands for adverse childhood experiences, because not everything technically is trauma, but things could have an adverse impact.
Speaker 1:Let's say, you know, from just physical mistreatment my parents spanked me to being berated, criticized, not seen, not spent time with, not appreciated, and as a result of those interactions, imprint is made upon my personality, my world outlooks, how I view myself, how I view the world and how I view how the world looks at me. All of these things leave a deep impact and so, as these impressions are made upon us and we continue our journey in growth and development, we start developing an attachment style, and there are generally, in the world of child development, four attachment styles, and through those attachment styles we begin to display how we interact with the world. In other words, our relational self begins to develop, take form and ultimately, of course, begins to cement and take on a more constant, regular presentation, and usually they refer to the four styles, are referred to a secure attachment, ambivalent attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment. Now, without getting into details about it today something that you totally could Google and quickly find answers to, suffice it to say that each of those styles will display different reality of how I am in the world, how I exist, what makes me tick, what throws me for a loop, what makes me anxious, what keeps me calm and relaxed, focused, present. All these things are impacted depending on what type of attachment style I take on.
Speaker 1:What's interesting is that when we're young, our reptilian brains, which is the back of our head, are much more in command. That's the part of us that is the natural survival instinct, the God-given instinct to self-preserve that has to be available from the moment of birth, whereas the prefrontal cortex doesn't really take form until later stages of development and so really most of our younger years. We are very much in an emotional state of being, which is precisely why relationships will leave such a meaningful or harmful impact on our psyche, our personality, our development. Precisely because we are so available through that channel, we don't have the ability to filter out and say, oh, you know, that person is hurting me because really they're the ones who are broken, they're the ones who are damaged or have their own childhood wounds and they're taking them out on me. We're not able to think that way in those formative years. It's not only until later in life that we begin to develop a sense of, oh, there's some, there's a world around me, there's a world outside of me, and that world does things that has not done with me, I'm not connected to it. But that requires certain ability to analyze forward thinking, delayed gratification, and those abilities don't kick in until prefrontal cortex begins to become active, which is much later in life.
Speaker 1:You know, somebody handed the order. He was telling me I haven't looked at the research myself. They're saying now there's research on, prefrontal cortex doesn't fully, fully develop and mature until like 27 years old. So if you think about that, when we're now talking about teenage years, adolescence years, we're talking about deeply, highly impressionable, impactful years of life, and so what people of that age are exposed to could leave life long, lasting impacts on their personality and their psyche. So, having said that, what happens then as we're progressing? Well now, let's say, my parent interacted with me in a certain way, or my immediate caretaker wasn't there for me, whether I was abandoned or I was treated very poorly, my parent was such an intense disciplinarian. All these things left an impact, left an imprint, and in order to survive because now my prefrontal cortex began to develop, I now used that mind to make sense of what's happening to me and to the world around me. Why is the world interacting this way with me? And that's why one of the quotes I love from Dr Gabor Mate on trauma is he always would say trauma is not what happened to me, it's what happened inside of me. So, in other words, it's not the fact that my parent hit me or my parent criticized me or berated me, that's not actually what then left the impact. What left. The impact is after that event took place.
Speaker 1:I then told myself a story. I needed to assign meaning to that experience because if I didn't, you'd make it really difficult to survive. And you think about it, right, somebody is mistreating me. At that moment it's very hard to just say, oh, it's because they're hurt or because they have their own wounds. The first place normal person will go to is oh, I must be not good enough, I must be the problem. It's not really that person. Something's wrong with me. I don't deserve to have a place in this world. I'm not deserving of receiving love and celebration and being cheered for that I can succeed, that I can accomplish something in life. That's not really possible for me. That's not in the cards. So therefore, really, it's not that initial interaction, the hit, the criticism, the negative comment.
Speaker 1:It's then the story I start telling myself through my mind and as I go through my day, I develop a confirmation bias, meaning everything I look at in life. I start saying how can this confirm this belief I have? And that's how I love giving examples of oh, my boss didn't give me a compliment, of course. Why would I get a compliment? I'm not good at my job after all, I'm probably on the verge of getting fired. Or, oh, my father or my mother doesn't hug me. Of course not. Why would they? I'm not deserving of love. Why would anybody hug somebody like me? After all, I'm not worthy, I'm not deserving. And so those narratives continue to energize and empower those stories and then, in turn, cause my personality to continue to shape and mold into that type of a personality.
Speaker 1:And so at that moment is when what I call the relational self begins to emerge, come into being and almost like take a life of its own. So, in other words, I'm now going on dates. I'm looking for a partner, spouse, a person I want to travel through life with. And how am I going through that selection process? Very likely I will not be going through that process with an open mind, open heart, just looking to find who will be a great compliment for me and I will be a great compliment for them.
Speaker 1:That's not really what goes on. What really goes on inside of us is I'm looking for. Will this person traumatize me or re-traumatize me? Will this person comfort those parts of me that are scared, that are wounded, that are vulnerable? And what's really interesting is, most of that process is happening in our subconscious or our unconscious, depending on how much we've suppressed the experiences, depending on how painful those experiences were, and Thus we call these things Unconscious coupling.
Speaker 1:I'm looking for a partner who is going to quote-unquote, complete me or is going to comfort me, and that's why I need them in my life, so they could comfort me and Help me resolve, address those parts of myself. And so, until I'm willing to Look in the mirror and acknowledge Maybe there's something going on inside of me that has nothing to do with my spouse, is not to do with the Relationship who I married, how my spouse is treating me, maybe has to do with how I interpret what my spouse is doing so that it continues to fit with the narrative in the story I developed long, long ago. And so the more a person is willing to explore their own Unresolved childhood wounds as John Bradshaw used to always say, finishing my unfinished business. As long as I am not willing to go there, not willing to take a look at my unfinished business, that I will continue to engage in unconscious coupling. But the more I can begin to say I want to bring to light, I want to understand Where's this coming from, why I'm doing this, then the more I will raise the strength and the adequacy and effectiveness of my relational self, because now, when I relate to others, it won't be from a place of weakness, wounding, seeking somebody to comfort me right, commonly referred to as co-dependence. I won't be doing those things anymore. Instead, I will actually be looking to choose a partner that's right for me, and I'll be able to make those choices, because now I'm no longer looking through the lens of my brokenness, I'm looking through the land lands of a complete, whole human being, and so my selection process will shift significantly.
Speaker 1:And this reminds me of one of my favorite quotes I quoted actually very often to my clients and Often in sessions, because it's just such a prevalent Issue that comes up for all of us we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. And it's such an important thing to really really think about and wrap our minds around. We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are. Because, if we really think about it, if I see the world through my lens, my vantage point, well, I can ask myself the question what is my vantage point? My vantage point is a sum of its parts, and what are its parts? The interactions that I've had with my caretakers, friends, teachers in school those interactions shaped me and formed who I am and who I become.
Speaker 1:And I might fool myself and think that I am looking at the world with this perfectly clear, objective view. But the reality, the truth of the matter, is I'm only seeing things of the perceptive perspective that I'm able to have and able to look at things through that perspective, and therefore, by definition, I am limited to that perspective. So I don't see things as they are. I only see things as I am. And until I'm willing to come to a place of understanding, acceptance of who I am, where I am right now, only then I can begin the journey of expanding that definition of the self to properly include other human beings. Then my world is beginning to expand to allow room for others to enter.
Speaker 1:And until that work happens, it will really be inaccurate and unfair to say that I am now operating in a way where I truly see your world and you truly see mine. And that's why so common that couples will ask me questions like well, what's really the difference between me seeing the other person's world or me seeing their world through my perspective? And to me the answer is always pretty obvious. Well, if you see the other person through your perspective, there is a very good chance you're not seeing them. You're seeing your own perspective.
Speaker 1:So you could never really say can't honestly say that I've come to a place where I see you, can't really say that. All you could really say is I see you as I am able to see you or worse, I only see you as I am. So if I'm limited and I'm insecure, I'm. When I look at you, I see insecurity. But if I am broad and deep and I'm able to appreciate my strengths, my abilities, who I am, then when I look at you, I see all of your potentials and your talents and abilities. And that's why we don't see things as they are. I see them as I am. And the sad reality is that unless I'm willing to put in that work, I'm only going to continue to look at you and only see you through that limited lens that I have, and sometimes, unfortunately, this also happens. Often, worse is, I will only believe that you are, that that I see through my own limited lens and instead of being able to step back for once and say wait a second, I don't think I ever really saw you. I think I only saw this myopic, limited, narrow version of you Because that's all my world was able to hold, that's all my world was able to offer, and instead of being able to properly take you in fully, I only was able to have access to these limited perspectives and perceptions. I want to come back for a minute to the moment of birth. Hooray, or we say mazeltov, congratulations, a new life has entered. Let's take a closer look, because I want to give this example to really cement just how intense the relational self beats inside of us, pulsating through our veins.
Speaker 1:Look at what happens when the baby is born. The moment the baby is born, it cannot walk, it cannot run, unlike any other creature in animal kingdom. That, pretty much on the first day the deer is born, a cow, a lion, soon. As the child is born, it, within a day, will develop vital survival abilities. It can walk around, can move around. It can do other functions A human being a year at least for many kids, even longer delay before they're able to do even the most basic functionalities. But what can it do when it's born? It can nurse, meaning it can eat, and it can connect. It could make eye contact, embrace, be held and experience comfort through that.
Speaker 1:And if we actually were to put like a hormone X-ray machine, or if we did a blood test both of the mother and the child, we would actually notice that there are all kinds of hormones that are released in the mother's body, in the baby's body, that continue to bring on and intensify the state of connection. That's a relational self that, even at the moment of birth, subconsciously already calling out, already craving to experience this deep connection. A baby that will be left lying without hugs and human interactions will die, and so turns out. Food and water is not the only ingredients that are actually essential for survival. Human contact is as well, especially to an infant or to a very young child, and Gavramate refers to this as the love cocktail. It says, because look at all these hormones that are just circulating through the body and traveling through the mother's milk to the child.
Speaker 1:It's clear that the moment we're born we are wired for connection. That is what brings us into the world and immediately fills us with a sense of meaning, purpose, aliveness. It's experiencing that relational self. And then, as that journey continues, and all of a sudden I'm told I'm not good enough. I'm told don't do that, don't play this way, don't do this activity, don't touch that. My world now has to question how playful can I be, how much can I live in a state of joy, in a state of enjoyment flow, just interacting with the world, almost carefree, not indifferent, not rude or mean, but just a certain just flow of existence that gets blocked and gets shut down.
Speaker 1:A very good friend of mine is also a therapist who shared that in the Native American cultures, when somebody seems to have been depressed or sad, they would bring this person to sort of like their shaman, like an elder sage, and the elder sage would ask this person can you recall when did you stop to dance, when did you stop to sing? And I thought that is so profound. Because what's really behind that type of an inquiry? Because the question is saying when did you live your life of flow of existence, of joy, where you just feel celebrated and you just wanna celebrate others, you wanna experience connection with other human beings.
Speaker 1:And this is the part of the challenge, the reality of our lives, as we become socialized through society and we develop understanding that these are the rules of engagement, these are the social cues, this is what's okay, this is what's not okay, and we have to continuously condition how we present in the world, how we share ourselves, and part of that sharing will involve giving up something else. Some aspect of our authentic selves has to be put to rest, put to sleep, told to go offline, because maybe the world won't accept this part of me, the world won't embrace me being silly, me, being funny, me being goofy. The world won't accept that, and so I need to put this part of me to rest, let it go, and only manifest or share those parts of me that would be deemed quote unquote acceptable by the society around me. All of this continues to impact, shape, reshape our relational selves because, after all, we live in societies, so we are gonna be constantly interacting with people. But as I overlay these layers of expectations of the man's, the world wants me to be a certain thing, the world wants me to be a certain way.
Speaker 1:The more those things have to be part of my life, the more my relational self is impacted. And so, when I approach relationships and interactions, I can no longer approach them from my authentic place of existence. I can only approach it through this modified variation of myself. And so part of the reclaiming journey, when it comes to the relational self, is saying how can I come back to that version of myself, the me that was playful, the thought that life was fun, that the world was my oyster and I can pursue dreams and be open and imaginative, explorative, and I don't have to worry? Will it be embraced by everyone? Will it be accepted? I can just focus on the beauty of my life, the uniqueness of who I am. And these are, for sure, the different avenues, different approaches that we've seen throughout history of when people introduce new schools of thought, new approaches that essentially really will boil down to this idea of what could help a human being experience or have an authentic moment of expression, authentic moment of connection.
Speaker 1:And we see that that really can only happen once I'm able to bring online or return back to my life the very thought that I had the very thing that I had to part ways with, the very thing that I had to let go in order to maintain my place in a society. And very often those are the painful choices that traumatize people, and especially kids or young, young men and young women, when we see the clash between my individual self, my uniqueness in the world. How I made an image of God in my unique way clashes with the expectations of the society, the demands of what the world wants to see from me, of how the world wants me to show up. I experience certain self-alienation after distance myself from myself and that distance then has a very direct impact on how I am relationally, how and what I now seek out. Maybe I'm just not so interested and I'm not so demanding. And even though I started a family, I wasn't really looking to experience deep connections, I just thought I just started a family.
Speaker 1:And on the other extreme, there are people who they can't live without a relationship and they constantly have to follow people around and receive inputs and offered perspectives and given affirmations that they're okay and you're doing okay and I believe in you, and without those things they just feel suffocating.
Speaker 1:Because that relational self became deformed, it was impacted in some negative way by not receiving what it needed. So I want to share with you my favorite quote that goes something like this we are born into relationships, we are harmed through relationships and we heal through relationships. And I am hoping that in the weeks to come I'm going to get into more detail about each of these stages, the progression from infancy and very young age to the trauma and adverse childhood evasive experience to the narratives we tell ourselves. And, of course, ultimately, what's going to matter is how do I go through this self-recleaning journey, how do I become the person that I can be, that I should be, how do I navigate that story? So stay tuned. Thank you for joining us today. For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try out our 24 week relationship challenge, email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.