Have you ever stopped to consider how your self-esteem is the bedrock of your relationships? In this episode, we unearth the profound ways in which our sense of self-worth intertwines with our connections to those we cherish. We explore why self-esteem is more than just feeling good about ourselves —it's about understanding that our value doesn't hinge on others' perceptions or our own missteps. We delve into how fostering a deep, unconditional positive regard for ourselves can lead to healthier, more resilient bonds with our partners, friends, and family, and ultimately, a more fulfilled version of ourselves.
As we navigate the ebbs and flows of personal growth, we're often confronted with the role faith has in bolstering our self-esteem. In our conversation, we attempt to shed light on the divine design behind our unique life paths and how this understanding can empower us to face challenges with grace. I also offer insights on transforming criticism and negativity into catalysts for personal development and stronger relationships. Join us for this transformative dialogue that promises not just to inspire but to equip you with the tools you need for a journey towards self-discovery and relationship renewal.
Have you ever stopped to consider how your self-esteem is the bedrock of your relationships? In this episode, we unearth the profound ways in which our sense of self-worth intertwines with our connections to those we cherish. We explore why self-esteem is more than just feeling good about ourselves —it's about understanding that our value doesn't hinge on others' perceptions or our own missteps. We delve into how fostering a deep, unconditional positive regard for ourselves can lead to healthier, more resilient bonds with our partners, friends, and family, and ultimately, a more fulfilled version of ourselves.
As we navigate the ebbs and flows of personal growth, we're often confronted with the role faith has in bolstering our self-esteem. In our conversation, we attempt to shed light on the divine design behind our unique life paths and how this understanding can empower us to face challenges with grace. I also offer insights on transforming criticism and negativity into catalysts for personal development and stronger relationships. Join us for this transformative dialogue that promises not just to inspire but to equip you with the tools you need for a journey towards self-discovery and relationship renewal.
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce conversations where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, igor Meistelman, a divorce attorney turn relationship coach.
Speaker 1:Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Today's topic is not gonna be easy. This is vulnerable, scary and, at the same time, something that is just an incessant problem. In my office, I interact with this issue over and over and over again, and so I decided to dedicate a whole episode just to explore this issue and really bringing to focus for people, especially spouses, partners and committed relationships, because the more you can understand how this single issue plagues the relationship, the more great work can be done in healing the relationship, improving the relationship and ultimately also healing and improving ourselves, and the topic that I'm referring to is self esteem.
Speaker 1:Now, self esteem is, for sure, a phrase that has been so overused that it's almost eluded in any significance and in any value, and yet it is something that is so prevalent in the relational dynamics, especially in relational dynamics, and I want to start by saying that I think part of the reason why that is the case, why it is so prevalent in relational dynamics, is because our sense of self, how much we value ourselves, how important do we feel we are, our own significance, doesn't really enter the scene until we start interacting with others.
Speaker 1:This issue happens as when we're young and we are dealt with as recipients, beneficiaries of goodness, of kindness, of love that we receive. Hopefully that was that was our experiences with relatively minimal at her adverse childhood experiences. So there could just be an impression or feeling left that oh, I'm doing really well, the world around me cares about me, cherishes me, sees significance to me. And it's really not until we enter high school and post high school years, and especially once we enter committed relationships, that our concept of our self, in particular of our self esteem, quickly begins to be tested. Because after all, what am.
Speaker 1:I supposed to think about myself when my spouse tells me you're a loser? Or they're not quite that direct, they say it's because of me. We are where we are implication, not because of you. And all of a sudden I start questioning well, what's my contribution to our family? What value am I bringing to the relationship? After all, I'm constantly being on the receiving end of messages from somebody I thought who loved me, cherished me, respect me. And yet I've been on the receiving end of messages in which I am told or I'm asked to believe I'm actually not so significant, I'm not so important, my contribution is relatively minimal. What I bring to the table is not all that important.
Speaker 1:And then enters the scene questions, many questions. What does all this mean? How do I now think about myself? And it's very easy in those moments to begin to question, and that's why I want to introduce us to a first definition that very much was inspired by somebody named Pia Melody, who's done a tremendous amount of wonderful work in the realm of codependency and self esteem as a general matter, and she says something along the following lines Self esteem is really about a unconditional positive regard for oneself.
Speaker 1:Now let's really carefully unpack those words Unconditional, positive regard for oneself. The reason has to be almost like, encapsulated with unconditional that phrase because it is so important that one, at some point, one way or the other, one comes to terms with the fact that the only way to build a healthy, strong presence within and without is by first establishing that I carry certain value that is simply unconditional. There is no way that I will be tainted, harmed, belittled, reduced in significance by the words of another human being, by the actions of another human being, and here's what's even more important my own actions. When I told a friend that I'll meet them at five and I showed up at five thirty, it is not a reflection of my significance in the ultimate sense of things. It's a reflection of an action such as laziness or inability to track time well, and therefore maybe I need to work on being prompt, being polite, being timely, but that's very different than is this me and being able to make that separation between my actions and my essence becomes crucial because we live in a world where we are very much defined by our actions. We are very much dealing and living in an environment in which we are defined and we are told by the world around us, whether it's our bosses, our employers, all of these environments where we spend a predominant time of our days as adults, school, from our teachers. It's our actions that reflect our value.
Speaker 1:I do well in school, I get rewarded with a good grade.
Speaker 1:I do well at my job, I get rewarded with more compensation or some praise or accolade praise or accolade that I receive at my work and the problem is that these interactions with the world around us create a false narrative that my value is defined only through what I receive as an output of my actions, and it's so easy in those settings to forget that who I really am is not my actions or my shortcomings, the actions that I have not done that I should have done.
Speaker 1:Who I am is I am made in image of God, I have a soul and therefore I have an inherent value that is irreplaceable, cannot be tainted, cannot be solid, dirtied by anybody outside of me, or even by my own actions that look like failures or shortcomings and actions that can be judged by others. Other people tell me that what I did was hurtful, what I did was disappointing, and that's okay. Another human being can still interact with us and feel those types of things that they wish they received from us something we didn't give them, for example. The mistake that happens is when we, as recipients of those words or messages, on our own, then take the following step. Oh, you are disappointed with what I did.
Speaker 1:It must mean there's something wrong with me, I am a failure, I am a disappointment, and when I say those things, I am worthless. When I say those things to myself, what I'm really also doing is I'm telling to myself that I am defined by my actions, and now my significance and who I am can be attacked and damaged severely through this mechanism of shaming and guilting myself by judging myself to be this limited version of some action they didn't pen out or express itself the way I should have been in the ideal version of myself. When people live outside of healthy self-esteem, they're living in one or two of those extremes. On the one side of the spectrum, it's never ending chase to receive approval, affirmation, recognition from others, and that's what we call the co-dependence. And at the other side, there is inflated self-esteem, but it's not real, and it turns very quickly into hoariness, into pride, into narcissism in the most extreme, unhealthy sense, where others actually become insignificant. Because I have taken on so much significance that I started losing track of significance of others, and so I went too far, to the extreme of my self-esteem journey, turning myself now not into a healthy human being who can celebrate and cherish others While also being celebrated and cherished, and instead, now everything becomes I actually can be celebrating, cherished, whereas everybody around me doesn't deserve it or not on my level or not worthy of such an experience that I am had. And therefore, the more self-esteem can come into focus and become a Significant part of our journeys, the more it will directly impact the quality of our relationships.
Speaker 1:Because if I'm now sitting with my spouse and my spouse tells me that he or she is disappointed with me, I don't have to look at it as I am a disappointment. I can simply hear their words and say oh, I hear you, so would you want me to know? Is that you really Disappointed with me and with what happens? Am I getting you? And at the same time, while saying those words back to my spouse and Mirroring them to make sure that I'm staying with them in their world, I can still hold in my own world of thought. I'm not that person. I have a value, I am important and my spouse is simply sharing me pain that my spouse is going through, and I don't have to be defined, but my spouse's world, my spouse's world, does not become the parameters of my own definition of who I am, and so it's okay if I could hear my spouse and them sharing their feelings and thoughts, while at the same time I can also hear my own voice of who I know I am, who I believe I am. But I can become my potentials, my capabilities and they don't have to be defined by the other person in the conversation, in the relationships.
Speaker 1:This is almost like a never-ending ongoing Problem that just plagues so many relationships. When one of the spouses struggles with self-esteem, the moment, one spouse is preoccupied with either seeking approvals, demanding okay stickers from their spouse, or they claim to be so confident, so strong that they're domineering over their spouse. And so the the journey of a relationship will require that one, both spouses Activate their journey and investigation of what their self-esteem is like. Where are they currently in their self-esteem journey, and then to take that journey and say what tweaks, adjustments, compromises, wise Steps I could take and my spouse could take so that we can continue building this delicate, balanced structure Ecosystem within which we as a couple can navigate carefully, know how Both of our worlds can be respected, both of our self-esteem can continue to be nurtured.
Speaker 1:So we could feel from the other person that, even when they share disappointment or hurt or something happened it was painful, they could still look at it and say, oh, I understand that, that it. I don't have to be defined by your words. You're simply sharing with me what is going on for you. But the moment I feel any need to shut you down, that the things you're sharing with me are not okay, that your share doesn't have a place here. So that means one of two things either that person is really doing something wrong, and that's what you have to demand, sort of seizing that behavior, or I can ask myself a scary question, which is maybe there's something wrong inside of me that makes it so difficult for me to be willing to sit through and to hear what actions going on for my spouse.
Speaker 1:and so the healthier self-esteem, the more endurance, sustainability, sustainability that human being develops, because, after all, if I live with unconditional positive regards and I constantly practice it, so then really the world just becomes one massive opportunity, and so everything that happens in it I can just review it as it is. It's an opportunity. It's not something that's here to take away, to make me suffer, to torture me. Everything that's happening in the world is just there to give me an opportunity to continue to learn more about myself, learn more about the world around me and what would be the best course of action for me in any given situation.
Speaker 1:You know, very often in this discussion I find what then comes up for couples is the topic of faith. How does faith assume a role in this conversation? Well, if I do have a health service team and I believe that I am worthy, I am deserving, I have a place in this world. God created a place for me and God also created a unique me. Nobody else could take on my mission statement. No person will possess my set of characteristics, proclivities, challenges, leanings. I will be unique, as will you, and therefore what I have to take on my own mission that is not defined by others, that's not based on will this person be happy with me? Will my mother or father be proud of me, or will my spouse be happy with me? Will my spouse be disappointed?
Speaker 1:That process of recognizing and engaging the world only through that unique lens of me, of my self-esteem, the more I can disconnect and disengage from the tensions and struggles that pull a relational journey. You know, same thing often plays out with kids and parents. We get so quickly frustrated, disappointed, upset with the kids and very rarely do people pause and say wait a second. The only reason that I'm experiencing this level of tension is really because there's also something else going on for me and therefore it's not that my child has created my entire reality. Yeah, maybe my child is doing something that's objectively frustrating, that's objectively disrespectful, but at the same time, it's what I'm experiencing, the story I'm telling myself, about me, about the world around me. People will share things like I just told God why did I have to get these difficult children? Why did I have to get this set of challenges? And the mistake in that type of thought is that it stands on a false premise that God didn't think through, when he gave me the lot that he gave me, that the role that I had to assume in the world wasn't uniquely tailor made for me, whereas a person who does live with self-esteem and knows that everything life presents it's just one big opportunity. Life is a never-ending opportunity, one after the next.
Speaker 1:And now, when I look at the world, even with all the challenges and all the shortcomings, I can pause and still say to myself oh, I know exactly what the wisdom is here, I know exactly what there is to gain here, because if I am infinitely important, and so is the world that God created, and so are all the other people, so then I can proceed from there. And if somebody lashes out, screams at me, is critical, I can always say to myself it's not about me right now, it's about the other person. That person is simply just trying to share something that they're experiencing. Either that experience is painful or hard to deal with. And so the more that there is effort put into come to that really really hyper-focused self-awareness state where I could see oh really, a lot of this is coming from low self-esteem.
Speaker 1:I am chasing approvals, I am chasing okay stickers. I need somebody to approve me, my spouse to tell me that what I'm doing is good, what I'm doing is valuable. I constantly need that type of input so then I can start recognizing oh, there must be then a struggle in me with self-esteem if I have a need for somebody to approve me. Somebody told me that I'm going to be okay, and so it's very important to be able to pause, engage in that introspective work and to try to understand do I live with an unconditional positive regard? Do I live with unconditional negative regard no matter what goes on in my life? I could see the problem, I could see what's going wrong. Can I ever disconnect from that narrow mindset vantage point point of view and recognize there's so much more beauty in the world. Because I am beautiful, because I am special and therefore I have a place in the world, and therefore the world will introduce, prepare, put things in motion that make it possible for my unique, special self to also be expressed in the world.
Speaker 1:And I knew with a more focus that people can give to self-esteem, to recognize how much it directly impacts their relationships, and the more they could go on the journey of healing their self-esteem to bring it to a positive range and to become a source of strength within a person, then automatically the entire relational experience will transform as well. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 2:Thank you for joining us today. For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try out our 24 week relationship challenge, email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.