Have you ever wondered what truly fuels the sparks of attraction? Join us as Rachel Burnham (dating coach) and Leorah Elin (matchmaker) share their insights into the dynamic world of dating and relationships. In a candid conversation, we unravel how our personal histories, attitudes, and the energy we emanate deeply influence our romantic connections. Learn why positivity and self-growth aren't just feel-good terms, but essential elements in magnetizing the love life you desire.
Navigating the dating scene can be a labyrinth of emotions and decisions, especially when faced with limiting beliefs about love. We dissect these challenges, offering actionable strategies to transform a negative dating perspective into a positive, empowering experience. Hear firsthand how fostering self-development before diving into a relationship can lead to more meaningful partnerships, and understand why embracing openness and non-judgment is crucial in forming genuine connections.
This episode is not just a treasure trove of advice for the lovelorn. We also delve into the profound ways in which our quest for companionship aligns with timeless Torah teachings. Discover the role of self-belief in cementing strong relationships with others and with Hashem, and how the power of manifestation intertwines with spiritual principles to shape the fabric of our lives. With Rachel and Leon's wisdom guiding the way, we pave a path toward deepening our understanding of love and the unseen forces that guide our hearts.
Have you ever wondered what truly fuels the sparks of attraction? Join us as Rachel Burnham (dating coach) and Leorah Elin (matchmaker) share their insights into the dynamic world of dating and relationships. In a candid conversation, we unravel how our personal histories, attitudes, and the energy we emanate deeply influence our romantic connections. Learn why positivity and self-growth aren't just feel-good terms, but essential elements in magnetizing the love life you desire.
Navigating the dating scene can be a labyrinth of emotions and decisions, especially when faced with limiting beliefs about love. We dissect these challenges, offering actionable strategies to transform a negative dating perspective into a positive, empowering experience. Hear firsthand how fostering self-development before diving into a relationship can lead to more meaningful partnerships, and understand why embracing openness and non-judgment is crucial in forming genuine connections.
This episode is not just a treasure trove of advice for the lovelorn. We also delve into the profound ways in which our quest for companionship aligns with timeless Torah teachings. Discover the role of self-belief in cementing strong relationships with others and with Hashem, and how the power of manifestation intertwines with spiritual principles to shape the fabric of our lives. With Rachel and Leon's wisdom guiding the way, we pave a path toward deepening our understanding of love and the unseen forces that guide our hearts.
Hello and welcome to dating, marriage and divorce conversations where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, igor Meisselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach. Okay, everybody, we are back for another round with my two guests, leon and Rachel Burnham. A shot and a dating coach and everything else in between. This is going to be another exciting episode, I can feel it, because we're going to talk to them about. What am I attracting? Sounds very esoteric and mystical. I hope the two of you can enlighten all of us. What am I attracting? What am I trying to attract? Rachel, do you want to start us off?
Speaker 2:Sure, alrighty, so let's jump right in. So I get this question a lot because most people are just looking for the best guy and the best girl and I'm still trying to figure out what best even means, because obviously we're all individuals and have different needs, but something that tends to happen. I am not just the person showing up on a date. I am someone showing up on a date with a history of everything that brought me to becoming who I am my experiences, my family, my friends, my school, my talents, all of the parts of me that make me me. And so if a lot of those experiences were positive and happy and encouraging and confident, then what I bring on a date is exactly what I end up attracting. I bring that happy, positive, confidence self who is you know, knows who I am, knows what I want to build in my home and my future, and now I'm ready to build. So therefore, I tend to attract like-minded type of people who are attracted to me because I put out this energy of positivity forward, moving, of thinking of the future, of confidence, and that is very attractive when we have people who come on a date where you know dating is just not working for me and I just know this is going to be a bomb anyway and all the shaltahs are done and, like you, don't understand what I've gone through in my life, right. So that also brings a certain type of energy to a date, and we tend to attract people that are either going to reject us which is a whole other conversation in itself, right, why we self-sabotage relationships or we'll attract someone who's like-minded and find some sort of misery, loves company in that space, but that might not necessarily be a healthy way to start a relationship and certainly not a healthy way to continue a long lasting, healthy relationship.
Speaker 2:So my recommendation for most people is, instead of saying, how can I find that right one? Ask yourself, how can I be that right one, how can I be the best version of myself? Make sure that I am adjusted, confident, positive, happy, able to handle challenge, you know, have a strong sense of a muna vitajo and that, like Hashem, is in control, and then, once I am being that kind of person, naturally I will attract a very healthy, like-minded type of person who wants what I'm offering. So it's like I don't. I want to know what you think about that, because that is something that I'm been pushing very hard for for a long time.
Speaker 1:Okay, there's a number of things that run me through my mind. I don't know how far we're going to sort of steer off course. First of all, the first word that came to me was manifesting.
Speaker 1:That's what I wrote down, because I know there's a lot of interesting discussion in the plural world of how do you manifest thing. And then the second thing that came up for me was well, I'm going to show up in this happy go lucky. I don't know, I'm just being a little bit hyperbolic, but I'm going to show up with this attitude. But I'm sitting with a shachem who they can interpret me through their lens. Then they're going to convey that message to who they think I'm a good fit for. But what I'm hearing you say is you know what, just that approach of shifting years into that type of existence, I can disregard the shachem and just I'm going to walk around with a belief attitude that a shem is going to be sending something that's going to gravitate towards me being this way, as opposed to I meet a girl at a coffee shop or on college campus or a workplace Is that what you're saying?
Speaker 2:Well, yes, I am saying that, but I also strongly believe that you know, we are what we believe, right? So if we believe that there are no guys out there, guess what? Every time we go on a date we're like, see, there are no guys. There's such poor quality guys and every guy we go out with, we find a reason why it's not going to work for us, as opposed to a positive mindset, a mindset of this is going to happen. It will happen to me.
Speaker 2:Why is it that there are two friends and one always gets dates and one doesn't? Because they present different energies, they present different, obviously different personalities. It's not like there are no guys. One's getting all these dates and one isn't right. So ask Liora, when someone comes to visit her, right, you get a vibe from a person, and that vibe is typically a real positive vibe, and I really want to set this person up with some of my top quality men or women because I'm like, wow, this is a great person. Or I'm like, oh boy, what am I going to do? I think I'm just going to send him a heart of Rachel, because I love them.
Speaker 1:That's right. Actually, I want to narrow, lira. I want to, I want to send this over to you, but I want to really narrow question because I'm just now. I'm just curious about something. Let's say somebody comes in, boy or girl, you're sensing from them this sort of limited mindset, limiting beliefs. I can never get a good date. Everything's a disaster. Once you pick up that energy from that person, what's your next step in how you deal with them?
Speaker 3:Oh boy, this is a fun question. Okay, how do I deal with somebody who comes in like that? Okay, I'm going to answer that Um, a hundred thoughts running through my head, but let's, let's hyper focus on this. If somebody comes to me and they present themselves one way, then I'm going to obviously ask them questions about what they're presenting. So, if somebody starts explaining to me, like the type of cloud work that they do and are you looking for somebody who also does that Are you looking for someone to be your partner, your cheerleader, stand behind you? Where do you envision yourself, you know, in terms of where does the spouse fit in with your plan of everything that you do? Right, I always go to these camps and work with special needs kids and my wife is going to have to stand by me, okay, what if she's not good at that? Where does your presence, sense of self, have room or space to hold another person who might or might not have that same passion and drive, and they do not have to have the same passion or drive, okay, as you. So that's one question, but let's go to the negative side, okay, because there are concerns that come up besides negative.
Speaker 3:Negative is a very easy target. It's a very broad statement and people have a reason why they're negative. No one's negative for no reason. People are negative because they've been hurt or they haven't down their other half and their friends have all moved on. People have really good reasons for being negative. They had bad experiences with Shad Hanem or with growing up, teachers, family.
Speaker 3:Whatever the reason is, I would definitely say that if I find somebody who comes in and is very negative, I usually brush them, don't get most of them, because I tell people not to meet me. I'm like you don't have to meet me. Like if you don't want to meet a Shad Hanem, like you don't have to meet me, I don't need you to come and meet me. Like it doesn't do me anything. Like so why are you coming? So to say, because I want to have skin in the game and I want to say that I tried. See, I went to a Shad Hanem. Oh, I'm a person Like I would never want you to feel like that in front of me. I'm so sorry, please don't come to me for that. But if you say I want to really be vulnerable and say can you really help me? Because I really believe that you are a person that can help me or guide me or direct me correctly, no sweat.
Speaker 3:But if somebody is very negative, I will ask them questions like oh, that's so interesting that you think there's no good guys out there. Where does that come from? What's your experience? I want to learn about why you think that. So usually I'll ask the question behind the question. It's a very famous quote by Kailash Roy says this Look, what's the question behind the question? I really want to know why, like why are you so negative? But really there's a question even deeper than that, which is why are you presenting yourself this way? That happened in your life that caused you to be negative? So usually I'll just try to take a more like empathetic approach of like, wow, it sounds like it's been a lot. I don't start with who I want to set her up and get her married, because I actually don't believe she'll be able to present herself correctly and attract who she ultimately is meant to be. And I do see the success of people getting to the point where they could develop themselves and get themselves into a better mindset so they could date effectively. All right.
Speaker 2:So, leora. So that's exactly the point. There's obviously very good, no one's judging. There's obviously very good reasons why people are coming from you know, some level of trauma or experiences that put them into that place. The question is are they actually ready to be dating? And even if they think that they are and they do date, are they going to be dating the highest quality caliber of person that they would like, or would they be able to attract the kind of person that they're really looking for until they work through those challenges? So there's no judgment, but I typically recommend people to take a break from dating and focus more on self and getting yourself into a place where you are comfortable and confident with yourself, because that's the best way to be able to share that part with somebody else. Marriage is not going to heal you. Marriage is not a hospital. It's not going to heal you. If anything it's going to take as skills, I'll tell you it's going to take your challenges and multiply them, right.
Speaker 1:So yeah, but when you say that to, I'm actually very curious to know this. Do you speak that openly?
Speaker 2:Let's go to a girl because in my mind, in my mind.
Speaker 1:I'm imagining I am this like innocent, I don't know, 20, 22 year old, who been product of the system, quote, unquote. And like this is what I know. And you're going to tell me, oh, you know, kind of go back in the freezer for half a year, and I'm like thinking my life's clock is ticking and the window is narrowing of my options. I'm going to take this time off Meaning. I'm imagining there is this internal, very pressurized, anxiety-ridden environment yeah, what was? Yeah.
Speaker 2:So what I would? I don't tell this and I typically, as a as a rule, don't tell people what to do, but I give them choices. So here's the choice we can keep dating and the kinds of guys that you're going to be attracting are either guys that you're not going to like or guys that you will like, that will reject you for this reason most probably right. Or what we can do is we can take a break for three months, maybe six months, I didn't say 10 years, you know. Three months to six months to really focus on this piece, get to the bottom of like where that you know negative attitude comes from, where that belief, that core belief system of low self-confidence I'm not going to.
Speaker 2:I mean, I've had so many girls tell me I don't think I'll make a good mother, I don't think I'll make a good wife, I came from an abusive home and now, like essentially, to sum it up, I'm just a people pleaser, because that's how I get people to just not yell and scream and hurt me. And so you think that going into marriage in that place is going to attract a healthy relationship? No, so I give them choices. We can go into dating and we can get what is available, which either might not be what you want or you might be rejected a lot, or we can take some time to get you into a better place that you can attract a higher quality. You know. Shut up for yourself, so it's really your choice.
Speaker 3:I want to add in something. Yeah, no, no, you go ahead. No it's okay, it's okay, you could go first Working on my needs and being a nice person. I'll get a mid-synote afterwards. Go ahead.
Speaker 1:The more I'm listening to this that now I actually do more questions I have because, just quickly reminding the audience, especially if you're first time hearing us having this three-way dialogue I get to deal with couples 10, 15, 20 years later and I'm always having this curiosity what in the world was going on with them before they got into this most complicated decision of somebody's life, which is getting married and living with another human being? So I'm curious has anybody ever came to meet with you where you're? After having conversation, you're like you're not ready to date and I'm just going to tell you that straight out now. Have you ever done that?
Speaker 1:Many times we are where by you.
Speaker 3:Okay. So when I meet people I like to use the term yet it's sort of like in Kira I don't say someone's not from, we say they're not from yet Because somebody could come to meet me and they might be a person who could get married, but maybe not yet. So I don't disqualify, I don't push away. If somebody chose to meet with me, I'm having a meeting with them regardless. My job is do my taff kid. My taff kid does not mean that I have to make sure that that person who can't get married will get married. That's a little. That's a little silly. I would not be able to do that. Well, that I could do is try to help a person see for themselves what is that they actually want. You know the, the power of educators which I am an educator and I've been for 25 years, I would say is the power to empower other people, our students, to take information and to acquire it for themselves. And when they do that they have accountability and it's a really nice thing. So I don't have to meet somebody and say, hey, listen, I can't set you up, I don't have an obligation to do that. That would actually be awkward. I don't want somebody to think that just because they're not in a good place right now means that I judge them forever, that they're always going to be that person that I met when they weren't in a good place. You see, I'm a safe zone because it doesn't matter, because I'm not judging them, I'm not trying to do a psycho, analyze them none of that, you know. And also, but I'm here to show them at the right time and people do come back and they do come back better, healthier, high. Can I just check in with you? I just want to let you know I'm in a really different place than I was when I met you last time. Sure, no problem, and we start fresh and new. I don't see this as any sort of reflection on the trajectory of, like, happier relationships, worse relationships, a healthy person.
Speaker 3:People go through ups and downs and if somebody met me at a time where they felt that they pushed themselves to do but it was really out of their comfort, I totally understand. It's like every time I try to go on a diet, I'm like that's just stupid. I don't really want to be on this diet. I'm really not ready for it right now. But then when I am on a diet and I lose. You know, I lose my weight like yay, go me. So just because somebody is right now in a certain place in their life doesn't mean that they're always going to be like that. They're not always going to be negative.
Speaker 3:And that's the one I want to add in is that not everyone is traumatized. People are hurt. Not everyone has. There's different types of trauma, right, you're the therapist you could explain it. There's acute trauma, right, and then there's trauma that takes over time. It builds up no girl who hasn't gotten a date or a guy that hasn't gotten dates and the substantial amount of time that's going to quote the type of but it doesn't mean there's something traumatic happen in their life. So I just want to clarify that, so that we're working with understanding that there are people and maybe you can answer this why is there such a drive and such a need I'm not even talking about Jewish perspective why is there such a drive and a need for companionship?
Speaker 1:It's actually easy. I mean, I'm still going to give a Jewish answer because I believe with all stars, are you Jewish?
Speaker 3:You're Jewish, you must be Jewish. You're giving a Jewish answer. I'm not Jewish, that's right.
Speaker 1:I'm going to give a Jewish answer, which is I made a world and he made that world in a certain way, so meaning he programmed into men and women instinct for that. It's not only that. The verse says it's not good for man to be alone, which just simply implies there might be some negative downside to being alone there. It seems to be that biochemically we are wired for that connection and you know, without, without sort of right now turning into a big discussion, I can just tell you that there's stuff that goes on in us physically before we can get into a spiritual realm. There's physical stuff going on in the brain, chemical and biological responses within the body that energize and activate craving for connection. I mean, the most famous example that people talk about is the still face experiment. It's a famous experiment they did with the baby and the mother looks at the child, smiles, the baby starts smiling and is like interacting. And when the mother would make a still face, the baby would cry, even though all other variables were the same, meaning it was a well lit room, there are toys everywhere, there's food in front of the child and the child would have these direct, completely different reactions simply to the change of the facial expression that indicated a disconnect or rejection versus a connection, and so that demonstrates that we are basically interpersonal in our nature. Our nature is to be relational and that's why rejection or not getting a date is going to feel so awful. We're going on a bad date, experiencing feeling of rejection. All these things are going to be going to be leaving imprint and you know, kind of back to the idea of manifesting and what we're attracting to. Or, if I get rejected enough times, I naturally start having limiting beliefs and negative beliefs, like I'm not deserving, I'm not worthy, I could possibly be happy, but I want to sort of cycle back to the or you mentioned okay, I am what it was.
Speaker 1:That was the phrase like to use. Or equal opportunity employer, everybody's welcome by Liora, but that's not. But that's not a question of posing. What I'm curious about is great, Everybody's welcome. But you now sat with me for an hour and I've been constantly bending the conversation in the direction of negative remarks. Something's wrong. You know that type of energy. So all I'm asking is, by the time you're done listening to me for an hour, constantly pushing the conversation towards negative conclusions, negative experiences, and now it's time to say bye, or maybe it's time to say goodbye, the end of that hour.
Speaker 1:I want to know. I want to know are you telling me, hey, I have just the right month for you. She says miserable to you. I'm setting you up next week. Are you telling me, sorry, I'm shipping you off to Ruchel in Maryland. She's going to work with you for three months and then I have the right one for you? Okay, great question. Okay, great question.
Speaker 3:So. So I don't tend to tell people that I think that they need help. I just met them. They don't know me, I don't know them. There is no obligation, and I do hope that anyone who meets me has other people in their life and that I'm not the sole caretaker for this person who I just met for 40 minutes. So in Merit Sashem, they have all their own people in their life who know them better and who I would imagine they would want to be macabre from, as opposed to someone who they just met.
Speaker 3:Now if I have a safe, ongoing, continuous relationship, then it becomes a little bit easier to guide. You know, right now I'm doing full time, nine to five every day, shadrachem, dating, coaching and Kala classes. It's very specific what I do with my coaching and there are other things that I do not touch and I send them over to Rachel. So, because there there are specialties within coaching and I do believe, like any, and nobody could just say I'm a doctor, therefore I know everything you specialize, even in therapy you specialize, right. So a person has to know their strengths and what they specialize in. But I will say is that if I do get somebody who is negative not I don't again, I'm not talking about negative across the board but I get a negative phone call, okay, in my initial meetings I don't tell people I don't think you're ready for marriage. If somebody's not ready, I'm happy I met them and in Merit Sashem they'll be ready. If they're ready in three months, six months, I check in with people. So I always do check ins just to follow up how are you, what's doing, where are you holding, how's dating? And so again, that opens up the avenue for if they say certain things or certain words, I might be saying hmm, so interesting. You mentioned that the past three times. Did you ever speak to somebody about that? And then we could go there in a more natural, loving and not hurtful manner and they really feel that it's for their own best interest. Now I have had recently I had two phone calls in the past week, which are definitely fun ones, and I basically got phone calls about why aren't you setting me up? I said so, I listen. And then I'm like oh, what do you mean? And then when they tell me and it's funny because I'm both accounts I was told you haven't, you've never set me up, and I and you don't send me ideas. So I went back to my notes and I said oh, it's so interesting because I tried setting up with so and so, so and so, so and so, so and so and so, and they have everything listed. Oh, but those weren't shy, let's start from the beginning. You just called me up and you just said to me you haven't set me up, you haven't sent me any ideas. So if we're going to talk facts no problem then the facts have to be truthful. This conversation can only be truthful. And then I'll say to them the following. This is a fun one, ready, wow.
Speaker 3:So if I'm not setting you up and you're contacting me about this, I would love to know who does have more on target Shaddukham for you. What Shaddukham out of the 40 that you reached out to? Who's the last Shaddukham that set you up right? How old was the person? What do they do? Where are they from? What are your Hashgahfahs?
Speaker 3:Tell me, how many times did you go out with them? Tell me about the last three people you went out with, because if all these Shaddukham are getting it and I'm not, then I would love to learn so I could be more on target for you. And the answer over and over again and it wasn't just this week, it was other weeks yeah, it was usually well, I don't really go out much, okay, but what was the last three like? Well, I haven't really. What about the last two? No, I, when's the last time you went on a date? And then I realized, when they don't have an answer, this isn't really about pulling me up and blaming me for not setting them up and then we get into this discussion about this topic. Who wants me? What am I attracting? What am I not attracting? What am?
Speaker 2:I rejecting.
Speaker 3:What can I do now? What am I rejecting? Even better, good, call out Wait because you just gave them a whole list.
Speaker 3:I did give them a list and they have great reasons, and that's usually when I say go to Rachael Burnham, because Rachael Burnham has the ability to do. What I would say is she's much better at putting a person right in front of the mirror and saying, well, let's take a look. Well, that's price and touch, and I think the mirror right, and the mirror is a very powerful tool. Look at your intellect, look at your presentation, look at your spirituality, look at your finances, look at your background, look where you live. If I don't have you telling me that I have a milk mustache on my mouth, oh no, I have a mustache you need a mirror.
Speaker 3:I say AcerConnecto is at every stage of life. You need an AcerConnecto. Even if you're single and you're, I don't know, 33 years old. You need someone to be saying something to you or you're going to get very set in your ways. You always need somebody to point things out to you, even with a learning curve, so you can learn on your own, or it doesn't appear to you have a student who can learn with somebody else, but if you learn with somebody else, they'll be able to point things out to you that you otherwise wouldn't notice.
Speaker 1:I try to stay away from, like, I guess, social commentary and just like being a polemicist just for the sake of, you know, rebel rousing. But I'm just curious. I go through the system, a boy or girl, I mean, I can comment even more on boys, even though I have a daughter in high school, and I guess I could sort of comment on my little glimpses of what I get from the things she shares with me. But I don't stand again. I'm 20 years old. I'm 21 years old.
Speaker 1:I'm moving now into this new phase of life, right, seeking out a spouse, one of them, think about now doing that next phase of life, starting a family, and also I'm going to sit down with somebody who tells me things like you know, there's this thing called manifesting and I'm going to be like I never saw tost was use the word manifesting. I never seen Hazal say my rabbi giving a schmooze never said.
Speaker 1:You know you need to learn to manifest the right way. I'm just wondering again, I need your end of it because again, when people come in to speak to me, there is already a certain life experience the experience parenthood, the experience being a spouse. You're coming in and you're like yeah, I've been single and you know with my roommates and you know in a dorm and I thought over, you know how much space my socks can occupy in this room, but what do you know about manifesting? So I'm just wondering like is it when you sit down with somebody fresh on the boat and they start telling you okay, so help me, I want to be a good data? Let's say they even have that much of a healthy mindset and you're like well, let's talk about how you manifest. Do you like blow their circuits? They're like what did you say? Is there a total source for this?
Speaker 2:I mean, everybody manifests, whether they like it or not. Everybody does it, naturally, right. So when someone, when someone goes out with a guy and everything's going really well and then she doesn't want to continue, why it's just not what I had in mind, like I never saw myself with a guy like that, right, Because she manifested something in her mind which may or may be realistically based. It may just be complete fantasy most of the time it is right, and so the picture of the guy that she's meeting is not the exact look of the manifestation in her that she's been manifesting for the past 20 years of what she thinks her spouse is going to look like. So we all do it. I'm just, I'm just putting a label on it.
Speaker 1:I like what you're saying, right, but my question is again, I'm telling you, because what winds up happening is. This is a little bit. I want to share what goes on in life, which is one sitting with couples let's say, marriage for years and whatever they're working through and I might say something, and I'm not talking about some fancy or sophisticated psychology term. I might say something where the couples look at me they're like is that a Torah concept? I get that all the time, by the way, and so I definitely noticed that I have to do my own research and continue to learn and grow as well, that I am saying things that are Torah line because I would like to think I'm a Torah Jew and so the things I'm teaching I want them to be Torah line, but I think it's very legitimate, appropriate, that they are challenging me back with well, one second.
Speaker 1:I give the concept nice idea. Is that really Torah concept? And so I'm just wondering, in your stage of the game where you are 10 years before I get them, but 20 years before I get them, do you find anybody sort of like I'm going to call this healthy skepticism like you, tell them something from where you are right 40 years old, older, life experience behind you, and here's this young person sitting in front of us who knows nothing about real life. Yet Do you find anybody having that type of like healthy skepticism? Wait a second, where did you get that from? Do you have a source for what you're saying? I get that asked all the time.
Speaker 2:So I don't actually get that asked very much at all, because I'm dealing with people that I maybe are just much younger.
Speaker 1:But you're saying they just believe you, they just believe you.
Speaker 2:I mean, you know, they've seen it in their life, they've seen it play out. They might not know the term of it, but they know that they have done it right. The idea of like mitzvah, garah, mitzvah, agarah, agarah, agarah, agarah. Like those concepts are the same idea. When we do something positive, it leaves us the more positive. That's that the Torah concept right, so they don't tend to challenge me in that sense. No, I don't find that to be of the problem.
Speaker 3:Okay. So two things when I want to separate the Torah source and I also which is obviously the most important always and I want to know your definition of manifestation and I want to hear you use some real prime examples that we can address. But before we do that, I also want to state that a lot of times when I tell people things, or I'm discussing with them, or I'm coaching them, or I'm guiding them, or they're in a shedok or they're calling me because they're on the fringe, like should I continue, should I not continue? Is this a concern? Is this not a concern? Usually, what I'll do is I will work much more off of database evidence. I do like to work off of experience. There is a khachma, a real khachma with experience. I'm careful not to project and, in addition to that, I really like to use fact more than opinions. If I have a hush let's say somebody's going out with somebody I feel like there's something I don't like about what the girl said to the guy. I don't like what the guy said to the girl, and I see a pattern and it's not a one-time event, it's three or four times. There's a concrete pattern and we're getting closer and closer to something that's going to self-destruct or somebody's going to walk into a lion's den, right. What do we do with this information? Because, again, it's just a khush, it's just a feeling. What do I know? So my answer to that is that when those things happen, I don't tell people well, this is what this looks like down the road, this is what this could look like down the road I'm not a nubby, but I do have a nishama and there is a certain khush that a person can have. So I'll say to them, I'll say to the individual wow, the person you're dating said that to, and how did you feel about that? And then they usually go oh my gosh, you know what it's so funny. You say that because I actually didn't like it when it happened. Sometimes they just need things moved to the front burner.
Speaker 3:I think we underestimate the power of 20-year-olds. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that they're 40-year-olds. Okay, I don't think that they're 60-year-olds, I think that they're 20-year-olds. But the one thing that we a lot of times that happens in shodokim is people feel that their ability to make decisions for themselves has been completely taken away from them. They're dying to be independent so badly, sometimes too badly, sometimes they're way overcompensating because they so badly want to be independent. But the one thing that we can do as therapists, fadhans, you know, coaches we can't take away their ability to listen to their voice, to listen to their inner voice.
Speaker 3:I always say a person has a voice. If they don't use their voice, they'll either explode or they'll implode, and both are dangerous. The strongest weapon a person has in this world is their voice, whether it's for Tephila or, roughly, I mean a Khabarama Nishma, or whether it's in safety where we teach students. You know, you scream, right, your voice is real. Can we please empower our youth to be married? Can we empower them to look for the right things? Can we empower them to listen to their inner voice if they feel comfortable or they feel uncomfortable, something just doesn't feel right. Can we stop telling them what to do and how to do it and having tons of broken engagements because we're broken marriages, because they're forced into it? I really believe that if we empower the individuals to pay attention to themselves, we can help safeguard them by asking them so they can self-acclimate, as opposed to us adults.
Speaker 3:My husband even says lately he heard somebody saying well, when I was your age, you know. You know what we had to do when we were first married. We had three jobs, and so my husband went over to the person and he said listen, I have to tell you something. Even I am coming around. My wife tells us to me all the time and I'm gonna say it to you the kids don't really care what you did at your age, when you were their age. No one cares. It's very nice that we all have all this kachma for the past 20 years. For some reason, this generation, a lot of them, do not understand it. They feel like we're the Flintstones. Okay, we literally are not the same, so we need to tune into them and empower them according to their level. But it's like I wanna go back and I wanna hear what are your examples of manifestation?
Speaker 1:So hello, she wants to answer first. I'm still stuck on something else that you said, so I I'll give you a very general idea, if you want, and then wherever you wanna go from here. I think it's having a conscious awareness of what I am being, as opposed to what I'm doing, and, through that existence, how I am being. There's something that happens in my interaction with Hashem, speaking the universe, in what happens in that sort of spiritual, mystical interaction.
Speaker 3:Okay, got it. So you want the tower source? I have it.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's hear it.
Speaker 3:You think like some sort of like Tom Hocken that learns all day?
Speaker 1:You mean Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3:What am I gonna tell you?
Speaker 1:I said you're Tom Hocken-Khamah.
Speaker 3:I mean, it happens to me, I have a Kharusa and there is something absolutely gorgeous and fascinating that I think really hits this. Obviously, I have to find it. That's it.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna approach you from now on. You sure you wanna share? Yeah right, I'm gonna share the same While you're finding that source, leora.
Speaker 2:I just wanna backtrack to something that you said which is super important. You know we don't really this is a much larger conversation but we don't really raise our children in the from world with a tremendous dose of empowerment, because we very much guide them. The Torah guides them, the Rebbe guides them, the Mower guides them, the Shadkhim guides them. The day, everyone's guiding and guiding and telling them where they should go. And here's where you go on the date and this is what you say on the third day. And then he's gonna he's not gonna call you because that would be too independent so I'm gonna just tell you what he said. I'm gonna tell you if he wants the audience, and so all of this leads to everyone else kind of doing your hard work. And I don't think it's until marriage that people actually learn to adults, like learn to actually step up and realize like there's no one there telling me what to tell my spouse in an uncomfortable conversation.
Speaker 3:Right, I mean I don't do that. I don't do that. That's part of the empowerment when I have a shit going out.
Speaker 2:You don't do that but a lot of our society does.
Speaker 1:And that is a huge problem, because we're not training them to think on their own.
Speaker 2:That is a huge problem. Yes, I was saying before that.
Speaker 1:I'm desperately trying to stay away from social commentary and getting myself killed, but we're definitely, I think, at one point, maybe that would itself will be an episode, which is, what exactly would we want to sort of socially engineer? What society would you wanna create? Because, again, I am 22 years old. I've been sitting learning even Mitsuyama. I'm sitting learning for 12 hours a day. I'm a cerebral machine. I have no clue. I don't interact with a complex creature such as a woman. I don't.
Speaker 2:And now I'm the best boy, I'm the highest quality boy, because I know how to sit and learn. The word is tap, the word is tap Tap boy. I'm a tap boy that knows how to sit and learn. I just I'm still trying to figure out. I mean, it's beautiful, I'm a lot of respect for that, but I'm not quite sure what sitting and learning has to do with creating a very quality, deep, emotionally connected. So I'm so good.
Speaker 1:So I'm gonna say it even worse. It has a lot to do with 100 years ago, where life was very simple and very different. And so to be able to say I'm marrying a Mitsuyama and then somehow he just intuitively knows how to be a good husband, how to be a good father, right, the Ishko, they should not attend. Ishko does not attend any classes on how to be a Fossum right. There was a certain Mitsuyama. There's a reality to the world that was different then than there is now.
Speaker 3:Okay, first of all, I'm sure you're gonna find a lot of stress about it, but I think there's a resistance.
Speaker 1:There's a resistance to accepting it.
Speaker 3:There is a resistance to accepting it. There's an extremism going on. There's an extreme I need so much help. And then there's I don't need any help. I am so dependent. I am now independent, right, it's the extreme. It's sort of like the drop shot kind of fact. Right, I don't. I can't even set up a date with the girl who I spent five hours with without the shachan letting us know what time and where I'm picking the girl up from. And then it's like, ah, drop shot, and we don't need her anymore. We have perfect communication. It's two dates later. Fascinating, fascinating. Where is that logical? Don't start me, and I am against it.
Speaker 3:So when people say to me, oh, are we dropping shachan? I'm like I don't know what that means, because I think it's such an extreme thing. Like are you toilet trained? And therefore you're toilet trained like through the night. I'm not comparing toilet training to dropping shachan, I'm just bad example, but it was funny.
Speaker 3:Okay, so let's go to the Torah, source of what I believe you can apply to manifestation, and which is my sense of self, right and having a true sense of self. What you're doing is you're bringing it a step further, but I'm gonna tie it all in. Okay, so I learned this is by Rabbi Duretsky. My son-in-law is Rabbi and he has a book called PowerPoint and we go through the inyanim, my Chavru Senai. So brings down a Rebbe in Uyona and he's talking about Emuna. And if we would say a starting point of Judaism in Yiddishkai, right, what would you say is the very first foundation and the starting point of Judaism, the starting point of Yiddishkai? Okay, the very interesting, the foundational point of Yiddishkai. I'm gonna read it straight from page 48.
Speaker 3:Now let's return to the first question, the foundational point of Yiddishkai, and let me share with you the answer of Rebbe in Uyona. Rebbe in Uyona was a Rishon. It's so critical that I'd like to learn it together with you in Rebbe in Uyona's own word, a Pesach Harishon Hu. The first foundation, the first entry into Yiddishkai, is the Yadah Haish Ha'vayd that a person who truly wants to do what is right and who wants to live a meaningful life of growth and who wants to serve Hashem, must clearly know Erkatsna, he must have a firm foundation and belief in capital letters himself, he must have a strong dose of self esteem, he must have a deep hashivas for who he is and he must banish the toxicity of self doubt, b'yakir malasso, and he must know his strengths, his own personal, unique strengths that he specifically brings to the table. Now. The reason why end quote, the reason why I feel that this applies is because if a person is aware of who they are and they believe in themselves.
Speaker 3:And even later on, rufsad Kakaohen goes even further and he explains that there's two Amunas there's Amuna in yourself and there's Amuna in Hashem. Because if you have Amuna in yourself, how could Amuna in yourself? Why are we saying Amuna in yourself, not Amuna Hashem? Because if you have Amuna in yourself, that means you know your strength. And if you know your strengths, you live this world with your strengths, not with your weaknesses. And if you live this world with your strengths and you don't have self doubt even though, of course, you have weaknesses, though, if I live my life believing in myself, having strengths, not having self doubt, then I will have good relationships with the world around me, which applies here also, by the way. And if I have good relationships with the world around me, I will have a good relationship with Akhadash Barakho.
Speaker 3:Why? Because I could believe in him. Why Because I have good relationships and I have strengths, and he has a tafkid that he has in mind for me. So, therefore, it will come around to the very beginning and I will understand that I believe in myself. Why? Because Hashem believes in me. You see, it's the same. It's the Hashem in me. Hashem has a tafkid for me. Now that I like myself, I could be real with myself. Only if I could be real with myself, then can I see what others see.
Speaker 1:So do you know off top of your head? I guess you're dealing probably with me, both of you. You're dealing with young people who go to all kinds of backgrounds in terms of what schools they went to. Right Meaning your clientele is not only people who physically live in the water barrier, but people who live in Maryland.
Speaker 3:Maybe two percent for each of us.
Speaker 1:Okay, exactly, so you get to see people from all over. Okay, jeva asked them again. This is my curiosity you ever asked them in all of your studies, all in any setting, whether it's individually, with your own rabbi or a Kala teacher or a Mora, whoever you can, a rabbi, wherever you connect it to. When did you ever sit down and explore these in Yonan in depth to actually internalize and come to terms with how important you are, that you're Salam al-Aqim, that you're Hashivas beyond and from that place you live out your life? How many people took a break in their routine of their living to pause and be working on internalizing this?
Speaker 2:I wish that there would be pre-marital and pre-dating at least pre-dating classes in in Yeshivas and high schools. 100 percent, it is extremely necessary. I wish Halavai Leo, you want to start a curriculum with me. It's like you want to start a career. You'll do that. Yeah, I'll tell you this. That was amazing, Rebekh.
Speaker 3:Bhuvane Epstein. He actually has one that he has created for boys, for men, in Yeshivas. It's excellent. I sat in one of his classes.
Speaker 1:You know, is it high school? I was not in a boys high school.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's high school based matters, but I was not in a boys high school when I heard him. It was on a program. Okay, I didn't go to the boys high school to hear his speech, but it's excellent. He really equips the guys. He talks to the guys, he explains a lot of stuff to the guys. I find it very, very helpful In terms of the girls. You know they are a little more equipped. But then usually what I find is that after seminary, when they come back, it's more practical and attainable and reachable for them. That's when it's a good time to have those conversations.
Speaker 3:I've had a lot of my daughter's friends have called me up recently and been like I'm about to date, can we talk? Absolutely. Can I just like add one last thing before before we end? I think that if we said about we're sitting here saying who wants me, who wants me? So I just want to give practical tools so that a person can help themselves, okay, so we have to understand that there are marketing tools and there are non-marketing tools. But who wants me? What am I attracting the following?
Speaker 3:First of all, please take a look at your resume. Sometimes your resume is not so good and it needs to be seen by another set of eyes, and I find it by a lot of times, like I hear recently. Last week I read the resume with somebody and the girl's like, oh, I think it's fine. And my aunt told me to change that. And they said, um, it's just a recommendation. I look at hundreds of resumes a day, so you can keep it if you feel that it best represents you. It's a marketing tool. It's not going to make your shit up or not make your shit up, but it's a marketing tool because people want to feel like they're doing his job less. So please make sure it's good. You are a resume, your picture, yada, yada, yada. Sometimes you need a second set of eyes. A new girl who was very humble, so she didn't want to write what her occupation was, so she dumped herself down. Um, she thought that would help her. It actually didn't help her. It's very nice to be humble, but at the same time you're allowed to say what you do. Um, so again, please have a second set of eyes. Review that with you Now. And the next thing is is that when you're going out there in the world and how you present yourself, go to events in person? Do zoom dates, not zoom dates, I'm sorry. Zoom, what are they called? Be dating like, or well those things.
Speaker 3:Meet with Shad Hanim and see what's coming to you and then take a look and say what is the feedback? What's the feedback If I meet the Shad Hanim's afters? Can I just ask you what your impression was of me? I hope I represented myself well and if the Shad Hanim says her impression, she might be able to say oh, that's so interesting, thanks so much. So maybe I misrepresented myself. I want to tell you a little bit more. Or you might come to the conclusion Shad Hanim or not for you, and that's okay. I don't think you really understand what I'm looking for. I think I told you three times I don't want a guy who's 15 years older than me, and the last three Shad Hanim. You read me, the guy was 15 years older, so I don't think I want to work with you anymore. That's okay.
Speaker 3:But the relationship communication see what you look like. Please use these tools. Every opportunity is an opportunity for you to have an Acer Connecto, an outside eye hopefully, with Hashem's blessing, a safe set of eyes to protect you and to guide you correctly. If you keep getting read to guys that are very nerdy and you're a very cool girl. There is a possibility you're giving something off in the way that you present yourself, the way that you talk. There must be something, and et cetera, et cetera. This follows through in all areas and hopefully with that a person will be able to present themselves correctly on dates, the way that they really want to present themselves.
Speaker 3:If a person were to get to know them, sometimes I say why can't they give me three more dates and then get to know me? It takes me time to warm up. We live in a fast-paced society today. Better to work on yourself, to warm yourself up with who you are. Go on that date, go home from that date and be like I'm a great dator. I was tuned into the person across from me. I was nice to them. When they were cold, I said let's go inside. When they were Thursday, I said let's get a drink. I'm a great dator. The self-esteem doesn't have to be from trying to sell yourself. Don't try to impress, just try to connect.
Speaker 1:Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you, raquel. Do you have any parting words? I?
Speaker 2:know that you are not so able to stick around, but I would love to continue a conversation on dating from a place of authenticity. I think we relate to what society wants us to look like and act like and present like and what our resume should consist of. As opposed to looking deep inside myself, finding my true core values and strengths and talents and looking for someone who actually wants what I really have to offer, we have a better opportunity to connect in a deep way when we present that, as opposed to just everyone wants a top guy and I'm a Vesak girl, so I think I should be going for a top guy. I don't even know what that means. You know what I mean. I would rather someone who wants the best parts of who I really am to connect to that. So I would love a conversation further on that, but that's longer and we don't have time.
Speaker 1:We will manifest that in the next episode.
Speaker 2:We will manifest it in the next episode. I'm great.
Speaker 3:It's so manifest, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, thanks so much for joining me today. Yorah, I might call you back separately. Amazing.
Speaker 1:Sounds great. Okay, everybody, thanks for joining me. Thank you. Thank you for joining us today. For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try our 24 week relationship challenge, email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.