Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Analyzing, navigating, and trouble-shooting all stages of our romantic lives.
Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Month of Relationships - Part 2: Natural Rhythms of Intimacy and Connection
Ever wondered how the celestial mechanics of the sun and moon can illuminate the dynamics of your relationship? Join us as we explore the profound symbolism behind the Hebrew words for the sun (shemesh) and the moon (levanah) and how they mirror the male and female roles in a relationship. Reflecting on the moon's phases and a woman's menstrual cycle, we highlight the natural rhythms of preparation and renewal that can bring freshness and excitement to your marriage. By understanding these cycles, couples can unlock deeper levels of intimacy and connection.
In this a Month of Relationships Part 2 series, we delve into the invaluable practice of setting aside dedicated time for emotional, spiritual, and physical bonding. Discover how carving out specific dates each month for genuine sharing and listening can build a robust emotional foundation, paving the way for more meaningful physical intimacy. For those eager to enhance their relationships, don’t miss out on these transformative insights. Reach out with your thoughts or join our challenge to igor@relationshipreimagined.com.
Hello and welcome to Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations, where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, Igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach. Igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach.
Speaker 1:Welcome back everybody. This is going to be part two of our series for the month of El and Yili Dadi. But don't delete I am to my beloved and my beloved is unto me. And while last week we were touching on the relationship between us and Hashem, god the Almighty, now we're shifting into the relationship between actually the two beloved here down on earth the partners, the couples, the star-crossed lovers, the struggling duos, and how do we understand, make sense of these relationships and how do we understand, make sense of these relationships? And I want today to talk about maybe a blend of both what might be a bit in the mystical realm and also, the same time, here in the physical realm, in the here and now.
Speaker 1:I often work, besides working with couples, I also often work with men who are in the process of getting married and they want to work on getting into what is the right mindset, what are the right attitudes to have, going into a marriage, going into a committed relationship, and so we'd like to discuss both of these realms and I wanted to share them here with you because I thought that they're very powerful and also beautiful ideas and ways to conceptualize ourselves, the relational journey, and by seeing these concepts, how they could help serve us in being able to create beautiful marriages.
Speaker 1:So in Hebrew, the word for the moon that's right, that celestial body in the sky at night for the moon is lavana, which also is in a feminine form, and the word for the sun is shemesh, which is a masculine form.
Speaker 1:And so in the Hebrew language there's a deeper idea that there seems to be an interesting relationship taking place between the sun and the moon. The sun has its own light, it generates its own light, it gives off light out into the world, it self-generates and then shares. The moon has no light of its own. It reflects light and that's how we're able to see it at night. It's because the sun will, with its powerful beams, arrive at the moon and the moon will reflect that light and thus we see the light of the moon. And so in the world of metaphors and symbolisms, especially in Jewish traditions, there's this idea that the woman, the feminine, is expressed by the moon, and in fact that's why the word moon in Hebrew is feminine and the word for the sun, which is a constant and it's always there, is a masculine, and it's the one that shares its light and gives off to the moon.
Speaker 1:Another interesting observation to be made is that the moon is not visible equally throughout the entire monthly cycle that it appears in the sky. On the average, the moon will take about 28 to 29 days to circle around the earth, and during that time the moon will do all sorts of interesting things, if you really would track it. It first appears as a tiny. With each day, it continues to show more and more of itself until it reaches middle of the month, and then, at that point, it will again begin to vein. And so it goes through these cycles of waxing and veining throughout the monthly cycle, appearing, more, appearing and then beginning to fade until it's no longer visible at all, only to renew the cycle once more. Now, what's interesting about?
Speaker 1:that is what does that mimic? That is very much similarly resembling the experience of a woman's menstrual cycle, where her body naturally will create an environment conducive to creation of a new life. That environment will continue for about two weeks and then, after those two weeks, it begins to disintegrate. If no sperm has entered, that allows for fertilization of the egg, which then in turn allows for creation of a new life. If that event did not take place, then the body will naturally begin to break down and begin to disintegrate its life inside. Then all of it is expelled out of the body in the form of periods of a monthly cycle only where it appears almost as if there's death taking place, right, internal bleeding. If we knew nothing and we saw this happening, we saw somebody expelling blood out of their body, right. Normally we just go like, oh my gosh, what is happening to the body? And the reality is that there's a certain disintegrating process that's taking place. That's not a reflection or indication that life is coming to an end, but rather it's actually a reflection and indication that there is a disintegration that will allow for new life to be reborn again, for new opportunity to take place. And I'm going to be referring from now on to this as sort of two phases of the journey, and one would be we call it the season of planting, season of preparation, and then, on the other side of that equation, is the season of harvesting, season of gathering, and these two seasons coexist with each other. And the more we can understand how all of these metaphors come together in our day-to-day living and how we could use them to actually express and bring to life a really healthy, dynamic relationship. So let's begin.
Speaker 1:What's a typical thing that will happen in a marriage and I can certainly tell you, working with many couples, what is one of the typical complaints is lack of freshness in the relationship, lack of feeling of connection, excitement, lack of feeling of there's something new, novel, refreshing to look forward to. And especially in the realm of intimacy, what's one typical thing that goes on? One typical thing that goes on, especially in the realm of intimacy, is oh, we get to be together whenever I want, whenever you want, we can just have each other. And while that might be really exciting during the honeymoon stage, it's hardly effective long-term, because long-term we all, boredom settles in, familiarity settles in same thing over and over again. There's a loss of freshness, there's a loss of excitement.
Speaker 1:And so this idea of a monthly cycle actually takes on a truly, really powerful role and can be an incredible rejuvenating tool in a relationship, for a number of reasons. One just the mere fact of pausing during the time of the menstrual cycle from engaging in intimacy allows just for a pause and refreshment of connection, opportunity to miss each other, opportunity to have time away from just the routine of oh, we'll just be together when there's an impulsive desire to be together and instead it becomes a more intentional living, you know what we're going to plan to be together, just like we plan many other things in our lives, and the planning is what gives it significance and value. We can also plan intimacy. Planned intimacy Also can take on great significance and value because now it's intentional, so now it's more important, it's more meaningful than just oh, I'm in a mood, or I'm not in a mood, which is how people tend to approach intimacy, and I think it's a big mistake. It loses its own significance and value when it's just not there with intentionality.
Speaker 1:And so the question becomes well, what do you do during that time If we cannot engage in intimacy? What do you do during that time If we cannot engage in intimacy. What do you do with that time? Of course, probably most women. If they would be in the room right now hearing this, they would say, duh, we know what to do with this time. And most men would be in the room sitting scratching their heads and saying what do you do with this time? And so I'm here to share with you that maybe is not so intuitive for some people, and certainly for a lot of men it's not so intuitive which is engage in preparation. What does that mean? Preparation? It means planting for the next harvest. What does planting look like?
Speaker 1:Emotional connection, when there's a pause from physical intimacy, from just engaging in that more base physical desire, it's an opportunity to engage other dimensions of ourselves, to be able to connect emotionally, to experience emotional intimacy. And you know what, for most people, as the relationship goes on in the years, the need for emotional intimacy becomes paramount and especially in a male-female dynamic, for women it becomes exceptionally important. I can't tell you how many times it will come up in couple sessions that women feel that for men it's just this external experience of I have physical needs and so I will pursue my physical needs, whereas for women it's no, I need emotional connection. I need us talking to each other. I need to experience that there was actually a conversation that allows for a foundation on which physical connection then becomes like icing on the cake.
Speaker 1:It's actually a space that now is enjoyable because there was all this emotional connection. It's almost like planting seeds in sand good luck seeing anything grow, but you plant in a fertile soil and things will sprout, things will blossom, things will grow. So there's something to be said about generating emotional connection as a way to prepare the foundation on which physical intimacy is not just some physical act of getting the pleasure in the moment, but it's actually the thing that almost like the glue, the final thing that binds the relationship and brings it into this even deeper realm of connection. But that's not possible without first establishing proper emotional connection and so taking the time to be able to connect emotionally, to spend those two weeks of the cycle in quality time in finding out from each other what your love languages are.
Speaker 1:You could easily do a five to 10 minute love language quiz. Find out what your partner enjoys so you don't make the mistake typical working mistake right Of giving them love language that would be your love language and instead giving them in the love language that speaks to them. So if your partner really, really enjoys words of affirmation, so to spend during those two weeks where there's lack of opportunity to connect physically, to be able to share compliments, appreciations, tell each other what's really meaningful to you. All of these things serve tremendous value and purpose and by the time it rolls around for physical intimacy, there is so much connection that's in place that allows for ability to truly experience meaningful physical connection as the icing on the cake rather than to skip over the foundation. And then the worst that could happen is when couples come in and then share. I just feel I'm just a body for my spouse to use to get what they need. I'm just being used for a specific outcome, right, which is I just want to get my own physical pleasure, my physical needs addressed, and so I'm using my partner, my spouse, to get those needs addressed.
Speaker 1:And how hurtful it leaves us how isolated and painful it is to be in that state of rupture and disconnect and to lose these golden opportunities where every month is an opportunity to set up a schedule where we could sit down together. Let's look at our calendars and let's figure out how do we create a schedule, a roadmap, in which things are meaningful, things are structured in such a way that we get a fill in each of these buckets. It's not just you have physical needs and you just use me as a vessel to have a release of your own physical needs, but instead we create connection. And then the physical connection that accompanies, at the right time allows and creates for even a deeper, more meaningful connection. And so it becomes such a beautiful opportunity to look at the monthly cycle and say, wait, if we plan this out and in my mind I know a time will come where there'll be harvest that we could gather but right now, this is a time where I want to plan so that there will be a plentiful, beautiful harvest and to lose on this opportunity of one building an emotional connection during the time when we are taking a pause from just physically encountering each other and just physically connecting and then, on top of that not only take a pause, but that it should be intentional time of invested and then take a pause in connection. So then, when we come together at the right time, how much more meaningful the connection will be. But if there isn't investment into that emotional connection in the beginning and then all that follows is just emotional, physical connection and just physically getting some pleasure, that actually will drive you in deeper pain and deeper feelings of isolation. Because now I don't feel like we're doing this to connect. We're just doing this because there's just some physical drives and cravings that need to be addressed.
Speaker 1:And again, every couple needs to figure out for themselves what that dance looks like.
Speaker 1:Here we're just trying to set out a general framework, a general picture, but I think it is such a beautiful way to frame in our minds.
Speaker 1:Look, every month is an opportunity to not just be a passing existence. Right, I plan out going to the gym, I plan my schedule at work, I know what deadlines I want to hit and what goals I want to accomplish, and yet in this realm it just passes, it just flows with time, and then we wonder where it went or why it wasn't there a more meaningful connection, and the reality is that it was all in our hands all along. We could create that connection by capturing that framework and saying in every month what can the cycle look like? What date time, concrete date times, we're allocating for our investment of emotional connection, just to share what goes on in our lives, hear each other out, laugh together, cry together, feel a genuine connection and then, at the right time, being able to come back to each other for physical intimacy. That becomes so much more spiritual and emotionally connecting, because we did all the groundwork to lay the foundation to now collect a beautiful harvest. I hope you enjoyed it.
Speaker 2:Thank you for joining us today. For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try our 24-week relationship challenge, email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.
