Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Analyzing, navigating, and trouble-shooting all stages of our romantic lives.
Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Month of Relationships - Part 3: Strengthening Romantic Relationships Through Empathetic Parenting
Can differing parenting styles really strain your romantic relationship? Join me, Igor Meystelman, as I unravel how the evolving dynamics between parents and children can impact your love life. We'll explore the stark shift in parenting challenges due to rapid technological and social changes, and why authoritarian methods often fall short. I'll share insights on fostering a strong, empathetic bond with your children where mutual respect and understanding are key to effective guidance and lasting influence. Hear how adapting alongside your kids not only benefits them but also strengthens your romantic partnership.
In our journey to parenting with purpose and faith, discover the power of emotional regulation and embodying core values like tolerance, compassion, love, and acceptance. I'll discuss how maintaining calm and kindness while parenting not only fortifies our moral obligations but also builds meaningful relationships with our children. By practicing these principles daily, we shape the next generation and contribute positively to the world, enriching our family lives in the process. Tune in to learn how these approaches can transform your family dynamics and bring about lasting harmony.
Hello and welcome to Dating, marriage and Divorce Conversations where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach. Igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach. Hello everybody, welcome back.
Speaker 1:This is a part three of our series in the month of Elul, and the next relationship that we want to talk about today is the parent-child relationship, a relationship that well might, seemingly one might say, wait, what's it doing on the dating, marriage and divorce conversations? Well, let me tell you, believe it or not, children is one of the big drivers of stress, tension in a romantic relationship. People who have children and have families are very much affected by what goes on in their parenting styles and what happens when we disagree on certain decisions, important life decisions such as education, or an important health decision that's affecting the child. Tensions arise, challenges arise as a result of disagreeing in these arenas. And now I want to start on the outset with the following concept that I've been thinking about more, exploring, wondering how it might resonate for other people, and the concept is as follows you know, in previous generations, even just two generations ago, the pace of life, pace of technological development, information availability was fairly consistent and steady, and what I mean by that is, let's say, somebody growing up in the 1920s wouldn't experience a significantly big difference in their lifestyle, in their access to information, to life experiences, than somebody growing up in 1950s, let's say, literally a generation later. And then the 1990s came and the 2000s, and the iPhone and the internet, and then eventually followed by social media, created completely new environment, an environment that when I was growing up, I did not know.
Speaker 1:And so one thing that I think is so important for people to keep in mind as a big picture is that today, the reality is is that raising children actually involves two front battle, not a one front battle, and what I mean by that is that not only do we have to engage in this incredible, awesome opportunity, responsibility of raising children, but we also have to raise ourselves, also in the process, because the things that my kids are doing I didn't do when I was their age, but the needs my kids have, I didn't have these needs growing up and making statements such as well. When I was your age, I didn't have this issue. So you know, boo-hoo, what's your problem? It's just not going to work. All that it's going to do is create isolation. All that it's going to do is cause the child to feel not understood. That drives the division, the feeling of isolation, of loneliness in the child and it ultimately prevents the ability to build a healthy bridge in ourselves and the child for the information exchange, for the influence, for input, for ability to mold and shape their world. And it's something that I'm finding feels unnatural, strange and a lot of resistance comes up for people of a generation that is generation three technology, internet and social media to understand that in this generation it will be nearly impossible to influence the child by simply either imposing our will on the child purely by discipline, by critical statements, by expressing the negative consequences that may await the child. It just simply doesn't work.
Speaker 1:What I find to be very effective, and it possibly might be the only effective thing left, and that is first building the relationship. As a quote that I famously heard once from Rabbi Shea Stow, people do not care what you know until they know you care. It's just a very basic, fundamental piece of relationships and certainly relationship between a parent and a child. Right, the child is naturally wired for rebellion, resistance, discomfort. The child wants to test limits, boundaries, not because they're looking to be bad, but because they want to understand we are at our limits, what would be acceptable and what would not be acceptable. And when there is lack of that bridge, when there's lack of a relationship, there's not a lot left that allows for connection, that allows for ability for my message, my life experiences, my life lessons to be transported over to the child, to be transported over to that other person. And that's because we make the assumption of oh, I have valuable information, don't you want my treasures? Look, I have these amazing treasures to share, don't you want them? And the reality is that that's not how it works.
Speaker 1:When we want to make an impact on another human being, when we want to convey something that would be a long and lasting impression that would actually affect the child's views of their values, of who they are, what values they want to choose in a difficult situation, that's not going to happen by coercing them, by criticizing them or by showing them I'm more powerful than you. I'm the parent. You have to listen to me. Here's one of my favorite of all time you owe me the obligation of honoring your parents and I'm your parents. You have to honor me. Okay, good luck getting very far with that one. I can't tell you how many times I've actually heard the use of this. I'm gonna, all right, weaponize the biblical command to either guilt my child or make my child uncomfortable, so that my child, hopefully, will listen to me.
Speaker 1:And the unfortunate mistake that that parent is making is they're not realizing that all that they really have done is they've isolated, ostracized, cut off their child from their relationship with them and now beautiful impact, impressions and values that they could have given over to them will now be lost because the child is blocking receptivity. The child is putting up a wall to not allow entry of these things into their world. So there has to be a shift into a relationship-based parenting. I just made up that term relationship-based parenting as opposed to authoritarian parenting. Do you need to teach the child that there's rules in life and there's authority? A hundred percent, but don't teach it as an authoritarian. Teach it as a relationship, almost to a certain degree being friends with the child.
Speaker 1:Does that mean child gets whatever they want? Absolutely not. Does that mean give in to every of your child's demands? No, and for a different reason, not for your own dignity, which is what people have to say. They're going to do what I say. They live in my house, under my roof, they're going to listen to me and when I listen to that I always feel like it's such a short-sightedness because really the thinking and the focus should not be built around. I'm the authority and you need to listen to me. The real focus should be there's here harm that's going to happen to my child, which is my child won't know what healthy rules of engagement are. My child won't know how to deal with authority right.
Speaker 1:And then, no wonder, we will hear today kids who are growing up in this generation and now they're going to jobs. They don't like something after doing it for a few months, but they don't like the way somebody spoke to them and that's it. They just want to throw in the towel, they want to resign, quit, look for another job. There's no resilience, there's no patience, there's no ability to withstand. It's so interesting how it's not only becomes about, or should shift away from being about, authority and really should really be much more about how do I impart these values to my child? And even when they can't have something, I'll just remind myself that it's not about depriving. It's about actually helping them develop these other very important life skills such as resilience, such as patience, such as being able to accept that sometimes things will not go their way.
Speaker 1:And for us as parents, and again especially during this month, as we continue the theme we started in part one of being able to emulate and walk in God's ways, again it's another beautiful opportunity to also demonstrate to our children how we actually are practicing handling ourselves on their stressful situations. After all, think about it right, when I get dysregulated, when I get upset in front of my child, there is also a certain message that I am sending, and the message I'm sending my child is that, oh, when situation gets difficult, just get dysregulated. When things are not going your way, you can just shout it out or raise your voice or be rude or be disrespectful to whoever it is that you're speaking with, and we never pause and realize that the way we're showing up that itself is a growth opportunity. The way we're showing up that itself creates for the child a almost like a mock setting where they can practice. This is the dress rehearsal, where they get to see what it's like to copy these qualities and character traits and to emulate God's way and, hopefully, to practice.
Speaker 1:I love quoting this line from I heard it in the name of the Navy SEALs. The US Navy SEALs always say calm is contagious. Think about it. Five, six guys are on the boat. They're going to go into a life-death mission situation. Calm is contagious. If somebody is getting upset, nervous, dysregulated, it's going to affect the entire team. But when everybody sees that the person the master chief or the captain of the crew is calm and is staying focused, it sends off a certain vibe to everybody else. Well, the same thing happens in our homes. If I'm sitting in my house and everything is getting me dysregulated and upset and getting me all ticked off and upset. So that's the message I'm sending to the child that this environment is not safe. This environment is not going to be a steady ship. It's going to be full of unpredictable, distrustful, unpleasant experiences, especially if something just goes sideways.
Speaker 1:But to be able to settle in into a more calmer energy and even when we have to discipline our child, reprimand, point out that something needs to be corrected, to do it in a compassionate, in a gentle, in a loving voice, will actually get us way further for a number of reasons. One pleasant words are much easier to receive. The sages have already told us this in the Talmud 2,000 years ago. Pleasant words are always much more easier to receive than words of criticism and negativity and judgment. And two child again is naturally going to be looking to see in what way are we conveying a message? And when the message is conveyed in a soft, loving, gentle way, it's so much easier for the other person to actually receive it. And, by the way, if you actually connect the person's brain and their neurocircuitry to a computer and you watch an interaction one that involves tension, nervousness, and another one that involves a gentle voice, calmness you will see that even in our neuropsychology, there's totally different response from the nervous system. In one, there is a calmness. There is therefore ability to receive.
Speaker 1:And when we're around the stressful people and somebody's just upset around us because we now have to be concerned, do I need to protect myself here? Because we now have to be concerned, do I need to protect myself here? Do I need to go into fight flight mode and be ready to either react, walk away or remain silent? And if I need to do that, then I'm now going to exert all of my energy focusing on that rather than focusing on being present, rather than focusing on connecting and being with you. And so, again, another deeper layer of this is our need to.
Speaker 1:When we look at our child, the engaging behavior, we might immediately run to stories in our heads. Well, I didn't behave like this when I was little, but how am I going to convey it? Is it going to be with calm? Is it going to be gently, lovingly, because that will give the highest chance of being received? Is it going to be gentle, lovingly, because that will give the highest chance of being received? Is it going to be gentle, lovingly, because that way I'm also sending a message that the relationship with you, my child, is very important to me and therefore I take this relationship seriously and I'm going to treat this relationship with respect.
Speaker 1:I'm not just going to allow myself to get dysregulated and then finally right. The highest maybe consciousness of this parenting will be is and I want to also fulfill the obligation of walking in God's ways. And when I stay calm, when I speak with tolerance and compassion and love and acceptance, I am practicing fulfilling this obligation of walking in God's ways. And how beautiful it is that I can have opportunity to work on helping shape and build my child and next generation in this world. I have an opportunity to fulfill obligation, to walk in God's ways and have opportunity to build a relationship with the people I claim are some of the most important people in my life. Hope you enjoyed. Thank you for joining us today. For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try our 24-week relationship challenge, email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.
