Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Analyzing, navigating, and trouble-shooting all stages of our romantic lives.
Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations (DMD)
Month of Relationships Part 5: Balancing Emotional Vulnerability and Resilience: Navigating Modern Masculinity
Can true strength coexist with vulnerability? Explore how men can balance emotional expression with intellectual understanding in today’s complex relational dynamics. We promise an engaging discussion where we'll tackle the often-misunderstood balance between showing emotions and maintaining resilience. Through practical insights, we’ll explore when it’s appropriate to express emotions and how this impacts those around us. Discover the difference between intellectualized empathy and genuine emotional connection, and why allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the key to deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Join us as we dissect the intricate interplay between emotions and resilience, emphasizing the significance of self-awareness and balance in a man's life. We’ll look at how modern comforts may be hindering the development of true strength and leadership, and why pushing against resistance—whether physically at the gym or emotionally in relationships—is essential for growth. As we step into the new year, we'll challenge you to embrace your roles as leaders and caretakers, all while maintaining humility and fostering genuine connections with others. Don't miss this episode if you’re ready to foster a healthier, more connected relational space by engaging both your intellect and emotions effectively.
Hello and welcome to Dating, Marriage and Divorce Conversations, where we analyze, navigate and troubleshoot all stages of your romantic life. I'm your host, Igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach. Igor Meiselman, a divorce attorney turned relationship coach.
Speaker 1:Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Today we have one final episode, episode five, on relationships, and today we're going to take a new slant on the entire conversation Maybe it'd be surprising to some of you and the topic we want to talk about today is what does it mean to be a man in a relationship? Of course, we also could have talked about what it means to be a woman, but I wanted today to be dedicated to this topic. It's a very prevalent question that comes up by both men and women husbands and wives that come to work with me, and I think it's a question that's really worthwhile to explore because there's lots of complexities in what this means and many times people are really baffled by how to deal with this topic, how to grapple with the gender and assignment of roles from the gender perspective. Women are curious what men should do, men are curious what men should do, and I want to share to some degree, just from experience of seeing what goes on in my office and some from my own understandings of how do we approach this type of a topic. There are lots of complexities, there are lots of minefields in navigating this intersection of what it means to be a man and what it means to be in a relationship, and we'll try to take a little bite out of a really significant major conversation and see where we can cover today. So let's begin when the topic of manhood is brought up.
Speaker 1:Almost inevitably, what's brought up along with this topic is also the question of intellect and emotions. What is their place in the relational space? For instance, is it a problem if I'm an emotional man? Is it a problem if I'm intellectualizing everything? Do I live too much in my head?
Speaker 1:And my answer is going to be at least at baseline is we're always striving for a balance. Be at least at baseline is we're always striving for a balance. We're always striving for a healthy expression of all dimensions of ourselves. That means that there is a time to be emotional, there is a time to be intellectual, figuring out when to do which. That's the challenge of living. That's the aspect of our lives that requires wisdom, discernment, understanding of how to apply, how to step into these different dimensions of who we are. For example, often I got a question is as a man, is it okay for me to cry in front of my wife or in front of my children? And my answer is well, it depends on why you're crying. If there is financial struggles in the family and you just sit there bawling your eyes out in front of your kids, guess what.
Speaker 1:It's going to send a message we're not safe. Not, we're not safe with our daddy, but our life, our world, is not safe because daddy is the captain of the ship and if he is right now crying and makes it feel like we're heading, towards an iceberg and we're in the Titanic, that's going to create a very unsettling feeling.
Speaker 1:But if it's a time of mourning, like, for example, tisha B'Av, right the saddest day of the year on the Jewish calendar or a tragedy happens or, god forbid, somebody passes away in the family and a man is taking time to mourn and to grieve, it's a very healthy expression of emotion to cry and just to share what is happening. And not only that, it's a tremendous lesson if you're a father to your children to show them that there's such a thing as healthy emotions and that there is a right time and place to emote and to share where you are. You know there's a concept out there of intellectualized empathy. The idea behind that is basically, you can either be empathetic or you can make me into an intellectualized concept. So if I say to you oh yeah, you're feeling hurt. Yeah, I could see why you're feeling hurt. Yeah, it's hurtful, now there's some validation. There is, I guess, a small sliver of empathy, but I'm still talking to you as if you're a concept, as opposed to talking to you from a place of genuinely connecting to the emotion, right. And so if you're sharing something with me and I sit there and I listen and I make a face that is attentive and is empathetic and is trying to convey I feel where you are, I want to be with you in your space and that conveyance shows I'm willing to be vulnerable with you, I want to be close with you. That's where a sense of relationship and connection is nurtured and blossomed. But if I just simply say yeah, yeah, you know people get hurt, you know, yeah, what happened to you can happen to other people, it's understandable. I'm keeping a certain distance from genuinely connecting with the other person and instead I'm just having an intellectually or conceptually relationship with them, but not connecting with them.
Speaker 1:Emotion is what connects us. Our intellect is what allows us to see things as concepts. So my wife, my children can be a concept to me, or I can actually go down into their world and relate to them, step into their space and try to have a real grasp and understanding of what is going on for them. And this is the battle of the intellect and emotion, because by default, many men will run to their intellect, they'll resort to staying in the intellectual spaces and therefore having the relationship exist as a concept, and so that experience will deprive the relationship of closeness that it needs, and men are often left wondering well, what's the problem? I did listen to you. I offered solutions. There's a good one. It's the classic move by a man. Right, a woman comes over to emote and the husband starts offering solutions, and the problem is that nobody cares about your opinions, nobody cares about your solutions, not your wife, not your children.
Speaker 1:What we're craving overwhelmingly is to receive emotional closeness, and that's validation and empathy, and it's a hard thing for a man to do. For many men, naturally, that is not their default. So, right, somebody shares a problem, just wanting to receive a supportive, compassionate, listening ear. Instead, what they're met with is well, why don't you do it like this? Well, didn't I tell you this would be a good approach? Well, I told you not to do that. That's why now you got this and that's why you're now dealing with the problem you have. But if you would listen to me, things would be very different.
Speaker 1:The thing about this approach is going to allow for connection, closeness, bonding, openness, to want to discuss further the situation. None of this creates connection, and so for those men for whom intellect is the dominant force, the thing through which they channel, filter their perception of the world, the challenge that's presented is how can I step out of this mode of being and step into other dimensions that God gave me capacity to experience, and that is a genuine compassion, ability to see the other person's humanity and just meet them there where they are, be there in that space, rather than immediately run to offer solutions, advice, input. Just don't do that Silence, that voice, and just be present. And even though it's tough at first, but with time we can train these muscles, compassion can be developed. It's a godly attribute and therefore it's actually what we're meant to emulate. And if that's what is expected of us to do, if that's what God is calling upon us to do, that means that he also gave us the seeds, the potentials of the capacity to do so. And so we must pursue and make it our mission to want to live out all of the dimensions of ourselves, to be a complete human being and give full expression to who we are in all of our realms, intellect and emotion.
Speaker 1:Now, what about emotional men? The challenge for them that I'm finding and it's interesting in this generation, it seems. I never looked up any statistics, but it seems like more and more that this quality of an emotional man is beginning to appear. And the challenge I think, for those men will become how do I make sure that the emotions don't hijack me? How can I practice working on expressing myself in a way that the emotion doesn't just simply overrun my world and I am sort of uncontrollable bowl of energy that overflows and dominates conversations and sort of sets a tone in my relationships, especially my romantic relationship, where I make it very difficult for my partner or my spouse to be able to even convey what they're going through, because I'm overrunning them with lots of emotion, right Emotion bombing, and the other person just doesn't have capacity to hold space for that type of overwhelming energetic presence. And part of the conversation has to involve not only well, what's my spouse supposed to do to comfort my emotions. Part of the question has to be well, what are you willing to do to comfort your own emotions? And things like self care, self discipline, resilience and self esteem become an exceptionally important concepts that must be grappled with, must be dealt with, and unless they are dealt with there's really no way to come to a place of a true resolve to have balanced emotional intellectual world, true resolve to have balanced emotional, intellectual world, internal world. What becomes is that emotion. It becomes the calling and the sort of the mission statement of how I relate to the world. It's all about my emotions.
Speaker 1:Approximately 400 years ago, between four and 500 years ago, lived a famous philosopher in Western Europe by the name of Rene Descartes. Descartes famously said I think, therefore, I am, and it really was born out of his attempt to philosophically explain our consciousness and proof for our existence. Like how do you know you're awake right now? I had a funny question to ask how do you know you're listening to this podcast right now? And this statement I think, therefore, I am cogito ergo sum in Latin today may have an equivalent in a very twisted way, following statement I feel, therefore, I am, and if we go even one step further in this generation, for many people it's I feel, therefore, I am right. In other words, it's a strange phenomenon of allowing emotional experiences to become the dominant narrative of what goes on in our worlds, and what it means for me right now to be me and what it means for me to deal with the world right now is going to be defined dominantly by how I'm feeling.
Speaker 1:That is such a dangerous space to occupy because emotions are fleeting, emotions are subjective and they come and go. They only know present. Emotions could care less about future planning. Emotions only understand this moment and they want to experience either soothing or comforting experience or connection in this moment and could care less about the future. And so to be able to flag this, give this self-awareness and then figure out how can I redirect my emotional world and, while, on one hand, comfort it and listen to it it should not be denied. Denying would only make it worse. Ignoring emotions will often generate even more intense emotions.
Speaker 1:There's ways to work through in a healthy way, dealing with our emotions, but to let them become the dominant area is, I think, where there's a lot of problem, and for a lot of men, this becomes the sort of the hill to die on. This is how I feel. My feelings must be validated, my feelings must be acknowledged and a lot of I almost want to say childish behaviors that are born out of this lack of balance between emotion and intellect. All of a sudden, my wife essentially becomes my mother and she needs to pamper me and take care of me and tuck me into bed. Versus accepting that part of becoming a man, part of manhood, is braving the wilderness facing the world and building resilience, raving the wilderness, facing the world and building resilience, being able to remain focused while I'm in storms of life, not crumbling, not falling apart.
Speaker 1:And without getting right now too much into this conversation, there is something to be said about the cushy, comforting culture of the Western world, and everything that this world has created for us created softness in us. Everything that this world has created for us created softness in us and is preventing man from becoming man and instead remaining in this unrealistic expectations, cushy comforting existence, rather than understanding that our powers won't reveal them to us unless they are challenged. We do not become who we're meant to be without experiencing a push against resistance. Muscles only grow when you're in the gym in pain, aching and uncomfortable and yet doing another rep. That's when the muscles grow. And yet, when it comes to our emotional muscles, the moment I could fall apart, the moment I could be comforted or be comfortable, that's the only time I could function Somebody was jokingly telling to me you know, if my coffee is not perfectly hot in the morning and the car seat is not perfectly warmed up or cooled off, get out of bed and walk into my vehicle.
Speaker 1:I'm going to wait until all temperatures internal and external temperatures are all perfectly set, and until then I can't function. How do we reach such a bottom of existence of a man, the one who's meant to be the captain of the ship, the general of his army, the leader of his flock? And that is what we're called upon to do and, in some ways, to confront the challenge that's posed by the life of the Western world that is cushioning and taking away our development and journey of becoming men with self-resilience, with self-esteem, with confidence, with ability to confront life in all of its matters, in physical, in spiritual, and becoming a complete human being. A world of having an eternal world that has an emotional, intellectual dimensions, in a healthy balance, and then approaching the world and braving the wilderness and taking on the challenges of life through that balanced approach. And yes, sometimes it's time for a rest and there needs to be a pause, right? That's why there's a saying right, there has to be a.
Speaker 1:Muscles need a rest between workouts.
Speaker 1:That's why you can't do the same workout every day because that when the muscles are resting, that's when they're growing, and so too, emotionally and spiritually.
Speaker 1:Of course there have to be breaks, of course there needs to be time for self-care, relaxation.
Speaker 1:But when we engage life, to be able to see that there has to be a complete man and ability to engage that life and working on becoming more and more fearless, powerful, resilient, humble, fighting the arrogance, fighting the fragile ego that lives inside each one of us, something that's so hard to walk away from.
Speaker 1:That ego drives our protective forces, our criticism and judgment of others, all there to protect us and to be able to walk away from it and instead focus on living a life of service, how to become the strongest, best version of myself, while keeping myself humble and connected to others genuinely, effectively, emotionally, spiritually and, of course, intellectually at the right time. And so, as we head into this new year, I think the tremendous opportunity to ask one small thing I can do to work on my manhood in any of these realms taking care of my physical health, working on building more self-esteem and more confidence and, by going through that journey, to become a more complete human being and, as a man, to bring to the relationships of my life all the potentials that those relationships will need from me. The power of being a man and being a leader can create so much positive impact in so many realms of our lives, but only we can take that first step of making the choice to become the man we're meant to be.
Speaker 2:Thank you for joining us today For questions, comments, topics you'd like to hear more about, or to try our 24-week relationship challenge. Email us at relationshipreimagined at gmail.
