1 00:00:14,539 --> 00:00:16,829 Bryan: Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast. 2 00:00:17,339 --> 00:00:23,160 Today we are talking about comparison and how comparison in 3 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:26,399 your relationship is probably sucking the life right out of 4 00:00:26,399 --> 00:00:26,640 it. 5 00:00:26,699 --> 00:00:27,089 Tune in. 6 00:00:27,089 --> 00:00:27,989 This is gonna be a good one. 7 00:00:45,289 --> 00:00:47,740 Natalie: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. 8 00:00:47,740 --> 00:00:48,429 I'm Natalie. 9 00:00:48,429 --> 00:00:49,369 And I'm Bryan. 10 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,820 Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you hear us say 11 00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:56,649 every podcast, grab a coffee, grab a tea snack, sit on the 12 00:00:56,649 --> 00:00:57,219 couch. 13 00:00:57,609 --> 00:00:58,719 Join us for a chat. 14 00:00:58,719 --> 00:01:00,140 As we talk about comparison, 15 00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:06,640 Bryan: why or why is comparison so challenging? 16 00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:11,260 Natalie: Personally, the first thing that comes to my mind is 17 00:01:11,260 --> 00:01:13,000 it comes from a state of Discontentment. 18 00:01:13,754 --> 00:01:14,355 Really? 19 00:01:14,504 --> 00:01:14,685 Yep. 20 00:01:15,194 --> 00:01:19,275 Bryan: So you tell me before every episode that we do not to 21 00:01:19,275 --> 00:01:22,125 ask you just questions off the cuff, and then I do. 22 00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,834 And then wisdom just pours out of you. 23 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,984 If you could see her face one day we'll have this videoed and 24 00:01:26,984 --> 00:01:28,694 you should see her face when she does these things. 25 00:01:29,415 --> 00:01:31,765 But for crying out loud like that is such a really good 26 00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:32,474 start. 27 00:01:32,594 --> 00:01:35,025 The comparison comes from a place of discontentment. 28 00:01:35,114 --> 00:01:35,444 Right, 29 00:01:35,450 --> 00:01:38,415 Natalie: and, and you know how it came so quickly to me because 30 00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:40,334 I have lived it. 31 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:41,805 Bryan: What are you saying? 32 00:01:42,405 --> 00:01:44,415 Natalie: I've lived in the state of comparison. 33 00:01:45,555 --> 00:01:46,364 Yeah, I remember this. 34 00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,644 It's a, it's a steeler of joy. 35 00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:53,965 It robs you of what you, what good you have in your 36 00:01:53,965 --> 00:01:54,775 relationship. 37 00:01:54,775 --> 00:01:57,204 I think it keeps you focused on yourself. 38 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:57,775 Hmm. 39 00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:01,855 And your needs versus anyone else's needs. 40 00:02:02,125 --> 00:02:03,114 Like even serving your spouse. 41 00:02:03,114 --> 00:02:03,655 That's right. 42 00:02:03,954 --> 00:02:07,555 And honestly, like makes you a miserable person. 43 00:02:09,219 --> 00:02:12,789 Bryan: And, and not only does it make you a miserable person, it 44 00:02:12,789 --> 00:02:17,319 makes the person that you're doing the comparison of it makes 45 00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:18,219 them miserable too. 46 00:02:18,699 --> 00:02:19,110 Natalie: That's right. 47 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:19,990 Right. 48 00:02:19,990 --> 00:02:23,650 And depending on who you're, who the receiving person is. 49 00:02:23,650 --> 00:02:23,919 Yeah. 50 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:29,460 Like if it were you if I was the one that was at the receiving 51 00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:32,205 end of being like, like, Compared to other people. 52 00:02:32,205 --> 00:02:35,715 And I'm sure at some point there was an instance where you were 53 00:02:35,715 --> 00:02:40,395 kind of the perpetrator of, that doesn't come to my mind at this 54 00:02:40,395 --> 00:02:45,259 moment, but being a recovering people pleaser, it would've sent 55 00:02:45,259 --> 00:02:52,340 me into a frenzy of trying to work overtime to fix it. 56 00:02:52,610 --> 00:02:52,729 Right? 57 00:02:52,759 --> 00:02:57,319 And so thus comes like unhealthy habits, unhealthy. 58 00:02:57,914 --> 00:03:03,495 Projections and antics that I know myself capable of to 59 00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:07,875 prevent that view that you might have had of me. 60 00:03:08,625 --> 00:03:08,805 Hmm. 61 00:03:09,074 --> 00:03:14,594 But you not being a people pleaser what the, my sort of 62 00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:19,164 like thrusting that comparison picture on you. 63 00:03:19,645 --> 00:03:20,455 It just made you mad. 64 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,430 Yeah, because you were like, I'm not striving to meet you 65 00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:25,389 anywhere because, 66 00:03:26,819 --> 00:03:30,060 Bryan: Well, and like the, here's the thing though, is that 67 00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:32,995 that's not that I was like at the beginning when this was a 68 00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:33,805 real problem for us. 69 00:03:33,805 --> 00:03:35,514 I wasn't like a, I was a good husband. 70 00:03:36,205 --> 00:03:38,574 I was a good at being just a human. 71 00:03:38,634 --> 00:03:40,254 I was just, you know, I was kind of a mess. 72 00:03:40,284 --> 00:03:43,675 Like, and it's not like, You comparing me to other people 73 00:03:43,675 --> 00:03:45,205 spurred me on to do better? 74 00:03:45,504 --> 00:03:46,104 No, it actually 75 00:03:46,104 --> 00:03:46,794 Natalie: you dug your heels 76 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:46,944 Bryan: in. 77 00:03:46,944 --> 00:03:50,664 It just done pissed me off and yeah, and it just made me worse 78 00:03:50,754 --> 00:03:54,655 because I felt like I had to prove who I was and it, thinking 79 00:03:54,659 --> 00:03:57,055 back, I don't remember thinking I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be this 80 00:03:57,055 --> 00:03:59,665 guy just because she said she wants me to be that guy. 81 00:03:59,995 --> 00:04:02,305 No, I'm gonna be, and I never ever thought that, but I've 82 00:04:02,305 --> 00:04:05,215 never, but I can remember my behavior, right. 83 00:04:05,365 --> 00:04:09,175 And, and literally doing things that were the opposite because 84 00:04:09,175 --> 00:04:10,074 I'm a stubborn. 85 00:04:10,495 --> 00:04:13,314 Mule sometimes doing the opposite of what would make you 86 00:04:13,314 --> 00:04:15,205 happy because you compared me to that other person. 87 00:04:15,205 --> 00:04:18,415 I remember you doing that just with the other, other people. 88 00:04:18,415 --> 00:04:22,254 Now, I remember talking before, before we, we recorded this, I 89 00:04:22,254 --> 00:04:23,694 remember talking about it beforehand, and you're like, oh, 90 00:04:23,694 --> 00:04:27,055 yeah, I used to do it with friends or say things or do 91 00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:27,264 things. 92 00:04:27,264 --> 00:04:29,485 I don't remember those specifically, but I just 93 00:04:29,485 --> 00:04:33,415 remembered you looking at someone and be like, man, why? 94 00:04:33,985 --> 00:04:36,745 Oh, like almost like Brian, give your head a shake, 95 00:04:37,435 --> 00:04:38,035 Natalie: right? 96 00:04:38,095 --> 00:04:38,725 And. 97 00:04:39,324 --> 00:04:40,884 It came from a place of lack. 98 00:04:40,884 --> 00:04:45,144 It came from a place of, that part of whatever I was needing 99 00:04:45,144 --> 00:04:46,194 wasn't being fulfilled. 100 00:04:46,345 --> 00:04:46,615 Right. 101 00:04:46,884 --> 00:04:47,665 And so, 102 00:04:48,654 --> 00:04:51,204 Bryan: but it was the expectation that if I was 103 00:04:51,204 --> 00:04:53,305 better, I would fulfill that. 104 00:04:56,394 --> 00:04:58,555 Natalie: No, I don't think it was a matter of being better. 105 00:04:58,884 --> 00:05:03,144 I think it was more like self-aware of how your behavior 106 00:05:03,144 --> 00:05:04,194 was hurtful. 107 00:05:04,254 --> 00:05:04,345 Oh, okay. 108 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:04,435 Yeah. 109 00:05:04,675 --> 00:05:04,795 Yeah. 110 00:05:05,035 --> 00:05:05,125 Right. 111 00:05:05,129 --> 00:05:07,615 There was no self-awareness in the first. 112 00:05:08,605 --> 00:05:10,985 I'd say 10 years of our marriage, what? 113 00:05:11,605 --> 00:05:12,084 Right. 114 00:05:12,084 --> 00:05:14,274 And how do we survive for both of us? 115 00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:14,634 Right. 116 00:05:14,694 --> 00:05:14,935 Oh yeah. 117 00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:15,345 No, I get it. 118 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:15,714 Right. 119 00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:18,055 So it wasn't just Brian. 120 00:05:18,415 --> 00:05:21,925 And Pastor Brody, if you're listening, I am fully aware of 121 00:05:21,925 --> 00:05:22,704 my fault. 122 00:05:23,904 --> 00:05:24,904 He'll know what we're talking about. 123 00:05:25,605 --> 00:05:32,134 I'm very self-aware of the crazy stunts I tried to pull in order 124 00:05:32,134 --> 00:05:34,444 to get your behavior to change. 125 00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:38,540 All the while it wasn't the behavior modification that I was 126 00:05:38,540 --> 00:05:38,870 after. 127 00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:40,250 It was a heart transformation. 128 00:05:40,310 --> 00:05:40,579 Yeah. 129 00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:44,540 And that wouldn't come until I started dealing with some issues 130 00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,639 within my own heart towards you. 131 00:05:46,670 --> 00:05:48,259 So that's when the heart transformation 132 00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:48,529 Bryan: came. 133 00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:50,720 Would it have made you happy? 134 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,790 This is, this is a random thought that this came to me. 135 00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:58,339 Would it have made you happy for me just to, to do what you 136 00:05:58,339 --> 00:06:00,620 wanted rather than be stubborn? 137 00:06:01,925 --> 00:06:02,345 No. 138 00:06:02,345 --> 00:06:05,225 Well, because, because Would you rather have me just someone who 139 00:06:05,225 --> 00:06:06,485 just, who just gives up? 140 00:06:07,055 --> 00:06:07,235 Well, 141 00:06:07,235 --> 00:06:08,704 Natalie: in the moment it would've been instant 142 00:06:08,704 --> 00:06:09,574 gratification. 143 00:06:09,574 --> 00:06:09,904 Right. 144 00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:11,524 But you're not a puppet. 145 00:06:11,555 --> 00:06:13,415 Bryan: But you would've, you would've essentially trained me 146 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,435 to be a weak person. 147 00:06:15,064 --> 00:06:15,875 Almost right. 148 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,884 You know, like, cause I psych, I wouldn't have no idea. 149 00:06:17,884 --> 00:06:20,555 She, she seems she wants this and wants me to be like this 150 00:06:20,555 --> 00:06:20,824 guy. 151 00:06:20,824 --> 00:06:22,865 So I'm just gonna give up who I am to be that person. 152 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,625 Natalie: I wouldn't say train, I would say, well, that strong 153 00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:29,314 words, but I just kind of like beat you down with my words and 154 00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,235 then just be so right. 155 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:31,345 Yeah. 156 00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:31,625 Yeah. 157 00:06:31,704 --> 00:06:36,225 Because that was, What I knew. 158 00:06:36,225 --> 00:06:38,985 Well, that's what was modeled, right? 159 00:06:38,985 --> 00:06:41,264 Oh, to me as a pattern that worked. 160 00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:41,415 I gotcha. 161 00:06:41,415 --> 00:06:43,035 And so I'm like, ma, I'll try it. 162 00:06:43,095 --> 00:06:43,995 It does not work. 163 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,165 I, I suggest you. 164 00:06:45,165 --> 00:06:48,045 Bryan: And when they say that daughters marry their, the 165 00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:50,415 someone that's like their fathers, you married the 166 00:06:50,415 --> 00:06:51,375 opposite of your dad. 167 00:06:51,774 --> 00:06:52,125 Natalie: Right. 168 00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:58,425 There's, there's that little bit of, there's that rebellious 169 00:06:58,425 --> 00:07:01,555 streak within my personality that Did you marry 170 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:02,845 Bryan: me just despite your dad? 171 00:07:04,149 --> 00:07:06,310 Natalie: No, I love you. 172 00:07:06,370 --> 00:07:08,769 So I married you, but I wish you were 173 00:07:08,769 --> 00:07:09,279 Bryan: on camera. 174 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:10,449 Your eyeballs did a thing. 175 00:07:12,129 --> 00:07:16,120 Natalie: But did I need their approval of you? 176 00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:17,500 No. 177 00:07:17,889 --> 00:07:19,329 Would it have been nice to have it? 178 00:07:19,629 --> 00:07:20,170 Sure. 179 00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:24,610 But as we go along on our journey Yeah. 180 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:24,889 Yeah. 181 00:07:24,949 --> 00:07:26,779 Turned out to be pretty darn good. 182 00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:28,970 Bryan: So then here's, here's the question, and I appreciate 183 00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:31,310 the compliment just for everyone hears that I gotta write down in 184 00:07:31,310 --> 00:07:32,420 the, I'm just kidding. 185 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:33,649 That was just silly. 186 00:07:34,459 --> 00:07:36,410 I tell you all the time how awesome I am. 187 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,189 I know I'm awesome. 188 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:45,050 But would it have been, did, did your desire not to have your 189 00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:47,420 parents' approval of me because I just didn't care what your 190 00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:48,170 parents thought of me. 191 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,920 Did it, did that make it easier for you to not care, or you just 192 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,209 were like, no, it took 193 00:07:53,209 --> 00:07:53,899 Natalie: a long time. 194 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:59,089 It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could 195 00:07:59,089 --> 00:08:00,199 stand on my own two feet. 196 00:08:00,259 --> 00:08:00,470 Right. 197 00:08:00,470 --> 00:08:01,850 Even if it meant I stood alone. 198 00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:02,360 Right. 199 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,410 So it's not about, this is not their life. 200 00:08:06,649 --> 00:08:06,920 Yeah. 201 00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:09,949 This is not their wants and their expectations. 202 00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:12,649 Those are, those are things they have to own. 203 00:08:13,514 --> 00:08:14,475 This is my life, right? 204 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:18,495 And these are my choices and my decisions that I'm making. 205 00:08:18,524 --> 00:08:22,454 And you know, as we were going through hard times, did I have 206 00:08:22,454 --> 00:08:24,105 thoughts of like, what did I do? 207 00:08:24,194 --> 00:08:24,855 Yes. 208 00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:25,425 Right? 209 00:08:25,425 --> 00:08:25,754 I did. 210 00:08:25,754 --> 00:08:27,254 I would be lying if I didn't. 211 00:08:27,904 --> 00:08:29,735 Did I want to spend my life with anyone else? 212 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:30,245 No. 213 00:08:30,274 --> 00:08:31,185 Did I want to make it work? 214 00:08:31,504 --> 00:08:32,075 Yes. 215 00:08:32,524 --> 00:08:34,745 And so we exhausted. 216 00:08:35,269 --> 00:08:39,289 All measures, both of us coming to a place where, yes, we both 217 00:08:39,289 --> 00:08:40,250 want to work on the marriage. 218 00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:41,779 We both wanted to work out. 219 00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:43,669 And so then you put in the work. 220 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:44,240 Yeah. 221 00:08:44,659 --> 00:08:47,990 And it became less about their thoughts and opinions on the 222 00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:48,289 matter. 223 00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:51,679 And it became more about, this is our family, this is our 224 00:08:51,684 --> 00:08:51,940 lives. 225 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,029 And kind of like if you have nothing encouraging to say, then 226 00:08:56,029 --> 00:08:56,389 maybe. 227 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,335 Choose the route of not saying anything at all. 228 00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:01,615 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 229 00:09:02,134 --> 00:09:02,524 Right. 230 00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:08,105 And so I say that not, not to, you know, discourage open 231 00:09:08,105 --> 00:09:11,764 dialogue with family and friends, but you really need to 232 00:09:11,764 --> 00:09:15,754 be discerning of whether or not that's crossing a line. 233 00:09:16,595 --> 00:09:16,955 And. 234 00:09:17,504 --> 00:09:21,205 Being more disparaging and more damaging than actually 235 00:09:21,205 --> 00:09:21,654 Bryan: helpful. 236 00:09:21,774 --> 00:09:24,804 Well, and the other thing too, I think I would add to that just 237 00:09:24,804 --> 00:09:28,284 for, cuz I know we actually have coached a lot of couples that 238 00:09:28,289 --> 00:09:33,054 have struggled with this, where parents just were really str 239 00:09:33,085 --> 00:09:35,245 really struggling to accept one or the other. 240 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:35,495 Mm-hmm. 241 00:09:35,815 --> 00:09:38,965 Or like the, like whatever the spouse was or whatever the, the 242 00:09:38,965 --> 00:09:39,565 choice was. 243 00:09:40,375 --> 00:09:44,230 So that being said, like, There comes a time in your 244 00:09:44,230 --> 00:09:48,250 relationship where you have to choose in your life who has 245 00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,289 input that actually is for you. 246 00:09:50,379 --> 00:09:50,529 Yes. 247 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:51,490 And your relationship. 248 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,389 And the hard truth is, and we had to make this decision 249 00:09:55,539 --> 00:09:57,639 probably after the 10 years when we finally gained a little bit 250 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:58,210 of emotional awareness. 251 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:02,889 We had to make that decision as to we are not going to invite 252 00:10:03,299 --> 00:10:06,899 counsel or advice from them because they're not for us. 253 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:07,139 That's right. 254 00:10:07,559 --> 00:10:12,539 And it it for so long, no matter what I did, it was always wrong. 255 00:10:13,139 --> 00:10:15,690 No matter what job I did, they were unhappy with no matter what 256 00:10:15,695 --> 00:10:17,940 career choice I I was choosing and they didn't like it. 257 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:18,360 That's right. 258 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,669 They especially despised the fact or despised me, that's a 259 00:10:20,669 --> 00:10:23,039 strong word, but disliked the fact that I went into ministry. 260 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:23,279 Yeah. 261 00:10:23,434 --> 00:10:26,365 To be a pastor or even served at a church for a long time, cuz 262 00:10:26,365 --> 00:10:27,504 that wasn't academic. 263 00:10:27,985 --> 00:10:28,164 And 264 00:10:28,164 --> 00:10:30,774 Natalie: so, so can I just say to those that might find 265 00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:33,985 themselves in a similar situation, academics does not 266 00:10:33,985 --> 00:10:36,205 determine the character of the person, right? 267 00:10:36,504 --> 00:10:39,985 So you can have all the degrees under your belt and be a total. 268 00:10:41,649 --> 00:10:42,070 Tool bag. 269 00:10:42,279 --> 00:10:42,820 Yes. 270 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:44,049 Right, right. 271 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:48,220 And you can be uneducated as far as post-secondary and be a 272 00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:48,639 stellar 273 00:10:48,639 --> 00:10:49,360 Bryan: of human beings, so, right. 274 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,490 Like they really put a premium on the fact that. 275 00:10:52,345 --> 00:10:57,054 I should have been like high or like college educated, like 276 00:10:57,054 --> 00:10:57,924 university level. 277 00:10:58,134 --> 00:10:59,365 I have lots of training. 278 00:10:59,544 --> 00:11:02,065 I got all kinds of training that I've picked up over the years. 279 00:11:02,065 --> 00:11:03,054 I still take training. 280 00:11:03,059 --> 00:11:03,174 Mm-hmm. 281 00:11:03,315 --> 00:11:06,715 We still do do things like this, like conflict resolution and HR 282 00:11:06,835 --> 00:11:08,784 training and yeah, all kinds of counseling. 283 00:11:08,789 --> 00:11:10,465 Like we've done all kinds of training, but that was never 284 00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:10,575 good enough. 285 00:11:11,274 --> 00:11:11,605 No. 286 00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:13,705 Natalie: And, and you have to come to a point within yourself 287 00:11:13,705 --> 00:11:15,024 that you don't need their 288 00:11:15,024 --> 00:11:15,684 Bryan: affirmation. 289 00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:20,965 So did, did the decision to, like how to word this, like, 290 00:11:20,995 --> 00:11:23,154 because I just didn't care what your parents thought. 291 00:11:23,304 --> 00:11:27,264 Nope, because they, they made it abundantly apparent early on and 292 00:11:27,325 --> 00:11:30,924 more leaning to your mom than your dad necessarily. 293 00:11:31,284 --> 00:11:34,524 Although the academics was a real thing, but I didn't really 294 00:11:34,554 --> 00:11:36,294 care and I think that bothered them. 295 00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:40,120 That I just wouldn't like drop everything to listen to what 296 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:43,269 they were saying and, and make completely change up in my life 297 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:43,899 and career. 298 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:44,320 That's right. 299 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:45,100 To do what they chose. 300 00:11:45,669 --> 00:11:46,059 Natalie: That's right. 301 00:11:46,065 --> 00:11:49,059 And it's again, it's not up to them. 302 00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:49,659 Right. 303 00:11:50,019 --> 00:11:53,500 There comes a point where your children become adults. 304 00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:54,159 Right. 305 00:11:54,220 --> 00:12:01,100 And your input into their life becomes solicited when asked 306 00:12:01,159 --> 00:12:01,379 for. 307 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:01,779 Right. 308 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:02,860 Not just. 309 00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,730 Barfed on them because they're your kids, right? 310 00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:07,659 So 311 00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,860 Bryan: right, you get to a certain place where, You just 312 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:11,879 have to make that decision. 313 00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:15,100 And, and I'm, I, I'm actually surprised now that we've been 314 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:18,039 coaching couples for a while, how often it happens from 315 00:12:18,039 --> 00:12:21,730 couples ranging from like young 20 19, 20, 21 years old, all the 316 00:12:21,730 --> 00:12:25,029 way up to couples that have meddling parents at 40 years old 317 00:12:25,029 --> 00:12:25,929 or 45. 318 00:12:25,934 --> 00:12:26,789 I'm like, are you, there 319 00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:27,789 Natalie: is a better way. 320 00:12:27,794 --> 00:12:28,429 People Come on. 321 00:12:28,429 --> 00:12:28,830 There's 322 00:12:29,019 --> 00:12:29,590 Bryan: a better way. 323 00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:30,879 Parents just need to let go. 324 00:12:30,970 --> 00:12:32,860 Just let it go and just move on. 325 00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,460 Anyway, back to back to what we're talking comparison. 326 00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,889 Our first point that we had, which we've talked about a 327 00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:39,299 little bit, is it actually breeds resentment. 328 00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:42,429 Natalie: Resentment, and this is a prime example of Oh, like 329 00:12:42,434 --> 00:12:45,460 exactly what we were talking about, about overbearing, 330 00:12:45,789 --> 00:12:47,860 meddling in-laws, right. 331 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,750 Parents, friends. 332 00:12:50,455 --> 00:12:51,804 Yeah, you fill in the blanks. 333 00:12:52,134 --> 00:12:55,945 It does breed resentment because you know, when we've said before 334 00:12:55,945 --> 00:12:58,855 in lots of our podcasts that you become who you hang out with, 335 00:12:58,914 --> 00:12:59,125 right? 336 00:12:59,335 --> 00:13:02,934 And so if you are in the company of negative people, of people 337 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:07,174 that talk down your spouse constantly, and after a while 338 00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:10,654 those words begin to take root and 339 00:13:10,654 --> 00:13:12,054 Bryan: they start being the things that you think and they, 340 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:12,205 and 341 00:13:12,205 --> 00:13:12,955 Natalie: my, oh yeah. 342 00:13:13,014 --> 00:13:14,245 Towards my husband. 343 00:13:14,575 --> 00:13:18,054 And you begin to see them through that lens and it's 344 00:13:18,054 --> 00:13:18,865 totally wrong. 345 00:13:19,585 --> 00:13:20,455 But it's real. 346 00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:20,784 Yeah. 347 00:13:20,965 --> 00:13:21,865 It's a fact. 348 00:13:22,504 --> 00:13:24,514 Comparison leads to resentment. 349 00:13:24,514 --> 00:13:27,544 It might not show its ugly face for some time. 350 00:13:27,544 --> 00:13:27,605 Wow. 351 00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:31,235 But when it comes out, it's going to be ugly. 352 00:13:31,235 --> 00:13:34,085 And it did, it was a bone of contention in our, in our 353 00:13:34,085 --> 00:13:37,434 marriage of creating an environment where it was just 354 00:13:38,815 --> 00:13:39,534 volatile. 355 00:13:39,955 --> 00:13:40,254 Right. 356 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:41,424 Would be the only word. 357 00:13:41,424 --> 00:13:46,144 And, and, and it was particularly worse the more I 358 00:13:46,144 --> 00:13:47,134 was around it. 359 00:13:47,674 --> 00:13:48,485 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 360 00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:49,475 Right. 361 00:13:49,475 --> 00:13:52,924 And so there was, I didn't trust myself. 362 00:13:53,345 --> 00:13:54,245 I didn't trust you. 363 00:13:54,245 --> 00:13:58,865 I didn't, I trusted the input where it was coming from because 364 00:13:58,865 --> 00:14:00,634 these are, these are family members. 365 00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:02,315 Like you're supposed to trust your family. 366 00:14:02,945 --> 00:14:05,585 And I think that just I dunno how to say it. 367 00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:10,024 Bryan: Well, you, you and I think just even as we're just 368 00:14:10,085 --> 00:14:12,004 sitting here, just kind of what's coming to me is like, 369 00:14:13,174 --> 00:14:16,205 just because they're your family, they still have to earn 370 00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:17,434 your trust and keep your trust. 371 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:18,725 Right. 372 00:14:18,815 --> 00:14:23,225 And they still have to earn a place and to whether or not you 373 00:14:23,225 --> 00:14:25,595 would listen to them wisdom wise. 374 00:14:25,595 --> 00:14:25,684 Mm-hmm. 375 00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:27,965 And they, they don't get it just because they're blood. 376 00:14:28,865 --> 00:14:29,085 Natalie: No. 377 00:14:29,674 --> 00:14:30,034 No. 378 00:14:30,034 --> 00:14:34,774 And the The, the types of questions that I'd get asked 379 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:39,034 would be, you know, like, who's watching your kids? 380 00:14:39,455 --> 00:14:42,274 Be like, my husband is watching his children, 381 00:14:43,264 --> 00:14:44,014 Bryan: I'm babysitting my own 382 00:14:44,014 --> 00:14:44,315 Natalie: kids. 383 00:14:44,465 --> 00:14:45,845 Well, is he gonna give them a bath? 384 00:14:45,845 --> 00:14:47,404 Like he should know that they need a bath. 385 00:14:47,404 --> 00:14:51,625 Is stuff like that that you're like the, the air of. 386 00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:54,144 My spouse being incompetent. 387 00:14:54,684 --> 00:14:59,845 And it really bred that inadequacy, like, you know, oh, 388 00:14:59,904 --> 00:15:02,664 well, you know, men should take out the garbage and men should 389 00:15:02,934 --> 00:15:04,465 deal with like all the car things. 390 00:15:04,465 --> 00:15:05,815 And then, oh my gosh, I'm looking at you. 391 00:15:05,815 --> 00:15:07,434 And I'm like, he doesn't take the garbage at, at all. 392 00:15:08,065 --> 00:15:08,365 Right. 393 00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:08,424 Yeah. 394 00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:10,404 And it just, it begins to feed the beast. 395 00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:11,485 Bryan: And we have what? 396 00:15:11,485 --> 00:15:12,715 Blue job and pink jobs in our house. 397 00:15:13,345 --> 00:15:14,304 Natalie: We do now. 398 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:14,605 Right. 399 00:15:14,605 --> 00:15:15,445 And there's just jobs. 400 00:15:15,445 --> 00:15:17,754 I mean, we delegate to our kids and they all have 401 00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:19,674 responsibilities and stuff, stuff like that. 402 00:15:19,674 --> 00:15:20,914 And I mean, who cares? 403 00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:21,725 I take out the garbage. 404 00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:25,725 It's not the end of the world, but when, when there's an area 405 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:30,254 of lack and that, you know, in hindsight wasn't area of lack, 406 00:15:30,254 --> 00:15:33,465 that there was something in our relationship that I wasn't 407 00:15:33,465 --> 00:15:33,855 getting. 408 00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:34,174 Mm-hmm. 409 00:15:34,644 --> 00:15:37,205 That It wasn't working in the positive. 410 00:15:37,534 --> 00:15:40,865 It certainly didn't work in the negative, but you know what I 411 00:15:40,865 --> 00:15:40,985 mean? 412 00:15:40,985 --> 00:15:41,044 Yeah. 413 00:15:41,225 --> 00:15:45,735 At the beginning when we talked about more like using the words 414 00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:49,544 and like beating you down in order to get that, that behavior 415 00:15:49,544 --> 00:15:51,306 modification I was not. 416 00:15:52,325 --> 00:15:52,894 You know, sure. 417 00:15:52,894 --> 00:15:56,115 I'll try the negative approach and maybe that will like which 418 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:57,315 snap you out of it. 419 00:15:57,375 --> 00:16:00,134 Bryan: I think what you said though was, was kind of a key 420 00:16:00,195 --> 00:16:02,534 thing is it was modeled to you. 421 00:16:02,534 --> 00:16:02,835 Mm-hmm. 422 00:16:03,345 --> 00:16:03,615 Right. 423 00:16:03,615 --> 00:16:08,855 And so cuz just that negative and you see it in movies, you 424 00:16:09,105 --> 00:16:12,434 see it on tv, you see, you read it in articles and this type of 425 00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:15,105 thing, like honestly comparison can lead to domestic abuse. 426 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:20,889 Because be be whether it's like man to woman, woman to man, At 427 00:16:20,889 --> 00:16:23,980 some point someone's gonna snap and it's not gonna be good. 428 00:16:23,980 --> 00:16:24,039 Yeah. 429 00:16:24,129 --> 00:16:28,210 And then that's where sin comes in and that's where gossip comes 430 00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:28,360 in. 431 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,059 And possibly stepping out comes in in adultery and pornography. 432 00:16:31,059 --> 00:16:33,340 And you end up in all these scenarios where you've just 433 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,070 allowed this to come in because you thought the only way to 434 00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:38,620 communicate with your husband to make him better was to No, no, 435 00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:38,769 no. 436 00:16:38,769 --> 00:16:40,750 The way you're gonna do this is through kind words. 437 00:16:41,139 --> 00:16:41,259 Yeah. 438 00:16:41,259 --> 00:16:42,909 It's the way through is through encouragement. 439 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:45,759 It's a way through loving, loving them. 440 00:16:46,164 --> 00:16:49,615 In, in the flaws that they have to move them on, right? 441 00:16:49,825 --> 00:16:50,605 To help them grow. 442 00:16:51,174 --> 00:16:58,164 Natalie: Like if you think of a balloon and every negative word, 443 00:16:58,554 --> 00:17:00,774 a little bit of that balloon deflates, right? 444 00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:03,735 Eventually there's not gonna be any air left in that balloon, 445 00:17:03,985 --> 00:17:04,335 right? 446 00:17:04,515 --> 00:17:09,384 And you come to a point where when you are at the receiving 447 00:17:09,384 --> 00:17:13,585 end of the comparison there comes a point in your. 448 00:17:15,355 --> 00:17:18,265 Marriage in your relationship where you just don't have the 449 00:17:18,265 --> 00:17:19,315 energy to fight anymore. 450 00:17:19,464 --> 00:17:19,795 Right. 451 00:17:20,904 --> 00:17:25,075 And you just, one will either have the courage to just walk 452 00:17:25,075 --> 00:17:27,414 away or two, you'll just take it. 453 00:17:28,015 --> 00:17:28,255 Yeah. 454 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:28,914 Right. 455 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:32,785 And so Like we say in all the things, these are points to 456 00:17:32,815 --> 00:17:36,295 bring up a discussion, give you tools in your tool belt. 457 00:17:36,384 --> 00:17:37,884 There is a better way. 458 00:17:37,884 --> 00:17:37,885 Yeah. 459 00:17:38,275 --> 00:17:41,035 You just because something was modeled to you doesn't make it 460 00:17:41,035 --> 00:17:41,394 right. 461 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,954 Right, right. 462 00:17:42,954 --> 00:17:49,214 And for you to come to a place in your own journey to recognize 463 00:17:49,214 --> 00:17:50,325 what's healthy and what's not. 464 00:17:50,329 --> 00:17:50,384 For sure. 465 00:17:50,505 --> 00:17:53,265 And if it's not healthy it's not too late. 466 00:17:53,355 --> 00:17:53,444 Yeah. 467 00:17:54,539 --> 00:17:55,200 Bryan: That's for sure. 468 00:17:55,619 --> 00:18:00,329 I think this was originally gonna be one, one podcast, but I 469 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,609 think that we'll just do the two points. 470 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:03,269 This kind of took a 471 00:18:03,269 --> 00:18:03,660 Natalie: different 472 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:04,380 Bryan: turn actually. 473 00:18:04,380 --> 00:18:04,500 Yeah. 474 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,900 It, it kind of, it kind of went a little bit. 475 00:18:07,109 --> 00:18:07,329 We, 476 00:18:07,559 --> 00:18:09,769 Natalie: we, we've got a lot of content points. 477 00:18:09,775 --> 00:18:11,680 Do we have, we have four points and we might, we might just 478 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,130 break this up into four. 479 00:18:14,299 --> 00:18:16,369 Bryan: No, would, should we try for the next one? 480 00:18:17,779 --> 00:18:22,069 Like, I, I really, I think that if, if just even in the 481 00:18:22,279 --> 00:18:22,400 coaching. 482 00:18:23,855 --> 00:18:26,585 World or, and like the coaching couples. 483 00:18:26,585 --> 00:18:34,505 I think that with this comparison thing, the, the issue 484 00:18:34,505 --> 00:18:39,424 with comparison is that so often it, it shows up as many 485 00:18:39,424 --> 00:18:40,115 different things. 486 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:40,204 Mm-hmm. 487 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,085 It shows up as anger, frustration bitterness, lack of 488 00:18:44,085 --> 00:18:44,894 communication. 489 00:18:45,404 --> 00:18:47,265 Anything that you An underhanded insult. 490 00:18:47,265 --> 00:18:47,684 Un yeah. 491 00:18:47,684 --> 00:18:48,855 Like, and all of it. 492 00:18:48,855 --> 00:18:54,105 And, and really it's because you are saying, well, I want Brian 493 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:58,184 to be like, you look at a husband even with one of our 494 00:18:58,184 --> 00:18:59,384 friends as someone that we know. 495 00:18:59,474 --> 00:18:59,565 Mm-hmm. 496 00:18:59,924 --> 00:19:01,664 And maybe never verbalize it to me. 497 00:19:01,904 --> 00:19:04,664 But the way you speak will show what's in the heart. 498 00:19:05,265 --> 00:19:08,295 And you'll say, well, I want Brian to be like Bill for 499 00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:12,164 instance, or a husband that you know is doing well, like Greg, 500 00:19:12,224 --> 00:19:13,664 one of her friends, we were in Prince George. 501 00:19:13,664 --> 00:19:15,015 Like, I want Brian to be like Greg. 502 00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:18,345 Not, not in personality, just I want him to, to be that 503 00:19:18,345 --> 00:19:20,625 attentive and to, and the, the thing is, is that that 504 00:19:20,625 --> 00:19:23,684 frustration shows up in so many different things that you may 505 00:19:23,690 --> 00:19:26,404 actually miss the fact that you've actually been comparing 506 00:19:26,404 --> 00:19:27,795 your husband to someone else. 507 00:19:27,914 --> 00:19:30,525 But the comments you've been saying are actually comments of 508 00:19:30,525 --> 00:19:31,095 comparison. 509 00:19:31,335 --> 00:19:31,755 Natalie: Right. 510 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:32,490 No. 511 00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:35,500 And actually you brought up a good point cuz we had mentioned 512 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,660 earlier, like you become who you hang out with and, and Greg was 513 00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:44,119 instrumental in your life because this Bryant, my husband 514 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:45,750 had lots of. 515 00:19:46,515 --> 00:19:51,075 Anger issues like father wounds, explosive and things like that 516 00:19:51,075 --> 00:19:53,595 was not, he was kind of a bull in a China shop and sometimes he 517 00:19:53,595 --> 00:19:56,835 can still be like that, but it's much temp, more tempered now. 518 00:19:57,375 --> 00:20:03,525 But Greg was, was that steady Eddie Levelheaded, calm this 519 00:20:03,525 --> 00:20:03,585 guy. 520 00:20:04,105 --> 00:20:07,535 Soft-spoken but not a pushover. 521 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:08,224 No, not at all. 522 00:20:08,224 --> 00:20:08,505 Patient. 523 00:20:08,704 --> 00:20:14,494 He had the patience of job and he was instrumental in modeling 524 00:20:14,494 --> 00:20:15,305 to you. 525 00:20:16,654 --> 00:20:17,134 Healthy 526 00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:17,795 Bryan: manhood. 527 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,275 Well, and also just being sometimes really blunt with me 528 00:20:21,275 --> 00:20:22,775 and just being like, Brian, no. 529 00:20:22,984 --> 00:20:23,884 Natalie: Exactly right. 530 00:20:23,884 --> 00:20:28,625 And so yes, I mean you, it's modeled to you just as the 531 00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:31,444 negative can be modeled to you or unhealthy patterns can be 532 00:20:31,450 --> 00:20:32,825 modeled, so can healthy ones. 533 00:20:32,884 --> 00:20:33,184 Right? 534 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:33,335 Right. 535 00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:38,585 And so Greg modeled healthy right behaviors and healthy ways 536 00:20:39,134 --> 00:20:40,015 to speak to. 537 00:20:40,950 --> 00:20:44,829 Your wife and to speak to just people in general, like 538 00:20:45,490 --> 00:20:47,230 relationship wise. 539 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:48,789 He was just really instrumental. 540 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:51,460 Bryan: So, and that's, and that's why we so often talk 541 00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:53,170 about accountability and mentorship. 542 00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:56,140 It's important, it's super important that men and women in 543 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:59,150 their relationship have people that they can just go to and 544 00:20:59,150 --> 00:21:00,640 just lay it all down, 545 00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:01,089 Natalie: right? 546 00:21:01,089 --> 00:21:02,740 And go to, and we say this. 547 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,085 Carefully not go to, to, to complain. 548 00:21:06,085 --> 00:21:08,575 Talk about how crapy hundred percent your spouse is, that's 549 00:21:08,575 --> 00:21:09,744 not helpful. 550 00:21:09,924 --> 00:21:13,279 If you wanna talk about, you know go talk to a therapist, 551 00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:13,519 right? 552 00:21:13,525 --> 00:21:15,980 Or they're gonna have some solutions, right? 553 00:21:16,009 --> 00:21:19,579 Not necessarily your friends, because, you know, as much as we 554 00:21:19,579 --> 00:21:22,849 like to say that we're non-biased, you know, if my 555 00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:25,910 girlfriend comes to me and is like this, that, and this, that 556 00:21:26,390 --> 00:21:30,380 about her husband, naturally speaking, my first thought. 557 00:21:30,994 --> 00:21:33,275 Is like, how dare he? 558 00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:33,724 Right? 559 00:21:33,724 --> 00:21:33,785 Yeah. 560 00:21:33,785 --> 00:21:36,815 And then afterwards, you know, I have to catch myself because 561 00:21:36,815 --> 00:21:38,255 there's always two sides, right? 562 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:38,345 Mm-hmm. 563 00:21:38,585 --> 00:21:44,315 So you just want to have people that aren't afraid to call you 564 00:21:44,315 --> 00:21:47,454 out in the areas that you are also not being healthy in 565 00:21:47,795 --> 00:21:48,365 Bryan: a hundred percent. 566 00:21:49,204 --> 00:21:52,295 And that's, that's the like, and that's why it's so important, 567 00:21:52,295 --> 00:21:59,795 like, Defined and because hate we're Christians, I'm a pastor. 568 00:22:00,065 --> 00:22:04,384 Faith and community have been so important to our walk of success 569 00:22:04,414 --> 00:22:05,345 in our relationship. 570 00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:06,154 Natalie: Super important. 571 00:22:06,154 --> 00:22:08,865 And with our, and in a lot of ways have been closer than 572 00:22:08,865 --> 00:22:09,555 family. 573 00:22:09,559 --> 00:22:09,724 Yeah. 574 00:22:09,855 --> 00:22:10,204 Right. 575 00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:10,484 They 576 00:22:10,484 --> 00:22:10,924 Bryan: are my family. 577 00:22:11,265 --> 00:22:11,535 Yeah. 578 00:22:11,535 --> 00:22:14,714 Because you, you make decisions regarding your family. 579 00:22:14,714 --> 00:22:17,565 That, and, and here's the thing is that so often in 580 00:22:17,565 --> 00:22:21,884 relationships bec there's a whole thing, their family. 581 00:22:22,365 --> 00:22:26,684 And so you let your family stomp on you wound, you hurt you just 582 00:22:26,684 --> 00:22:28,394 because of the word family. 583 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:28,575 Mm-hmm. 584 00:22:28,795 --> 00:22:31,575 And it's not word that we're advocating at all that you 585 00:22:31,575 --> 00:22:33,224 separate from your family if they make you mad. 586 00:22:33,224 --> 00:22:36,164 I'm saying like, if it's a destructive, toxic environment 587 00:22:36,164 --> 00:22:37,365 and it's, that's the pattern. 588 00:22:37,575 --> 00:22:39,335 You do not have to tolerate that pattern. 589 00:22:39,595 --> 00:22:40,055 Not at all. 590 00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:41,295 You don't like Henry Cloud. 591 00:22:41,295 --> 00:22:42,855 He's a, a red in marriage. 592 00:22:42,855 --> 00:22:44,265 He says you get what you tolerate. 593 00:22:44,269 --> 00:22:44,535 Mm-hmm. 594 00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:47,234 And it's very much not only for your relationship with your 595 00:22:47,234 --> 00:22:49,515 spouse, you get what you tolerate if you never stand up 596 00:22:49,815 --> 00:22:50,775 to your spouse. 597 00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:54,734 Whoever it is, man, woman, if you never spend send up. 598 00:22:54,734 --> 00:22:57,015 So if I never send up to Natalie, she'll never know what 599 00:22:57,015 --> 00:22:57,884 my boundary is. 600 00:22:58,275 --> 00:22:58,845 A hundred percent. 601 00:22:59,085 --> 00:23:00,585 And it's the same thing with your families. 602 00:23:00,585 --> 00:23:03,015 If you never, and yes, there's families that are narcissistic 603 00:23:03,015 --> 00:23:06,375 and they're super destructive and they're super really deep, 604 00:23:06,375 --> 00:23:08,984 dark problems that are just breaking the family. 605 00:23:09,224 --> 00:23:10,924 You don't have to tolerate that and, 606 00:23:11,384 --> 00:23:12,525 Natalie: and comparison happens. 607 00:23:13,275 --> 00:23:16,035 It, well, in our situation, it was in that whole thing. 608 00:23:16,035 --> 00:23:20,279 It was like, well, you know, Praising this person's accolades 609 00:23:20,279 --> 00:23:23,220 academically or praising this person's this, that, or the 610 00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:23,640 other. 611 00:23:24,289 --> 00:23:26,599 We weren't exempt, so it was happening within our marriage, 612 00:23:26,605 --> 00:23:29,779 but it was also happening externally spoken into our 613 00:23:29,779 --> 00:23:30,289 marriage. 614 00:23:30,295 --> 00:23:31,130 Right, right. 615 00:23:31,130 --> 00:23:32,569 In hopes that that would change. 616 00:23:32,569 --> 00:23:36,539 And that just, that just breeds that just takes it to a whole 617 00:23:36,539 --> 00:23:37,170 nother level. 618 00:23:37,230 --> 00:23:37,410 Yeah. 619 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:39,539 The resentment is a real thing. 620 00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:44,039 And it took a long time for me to unpack that. 621 00:23:44,670 --> 00:23:45,089 Bryan: Yeah. 622 00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:48,990 To, to get to the, because, because you were a people 623 00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:49,470 pleaser. 624 00:23:49,559 --> 00:23:49,710 Yeah. 625 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:56,250 You really just wanted to please your parents to please your 626 00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:56,789 friends. 627 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:57,450 A hundred 628 00:23:57,450 --> 00:23:57,809 Natalie: percent. 629 00:23:57,809 --> 00:24:02,250 And, and resentment towards you in the, in the areas that I felt 630 00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:04,140 you were not providing. 631 00:24:04,230 --> 00:24:04,440 Yeah. 632 00:24:04,740 --> 00:24:06,420 But also resentment for me. 633 00:24:07,019 --> 00:24:07,349 Sorry. 634 00:24:07,349 --> 00:24:09,869 Resentment about myself. 635 00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:10,109 Yeah. 636 00:24:10,170 --> 00:24:13,230 I was resenting myself for even allowing it, for even 637 00:24:13,230 --> 00:24:14,160 entertaining it. 638 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:14,490 Yeah. 639 00:24:15,059 --> 00:24:15,329 Right. 640 00:24:15,335 --> 00:24:19,170 And so it's this, this bizarre, almost double-edged sword and 641 00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:22,470 this cycle that, you know, resentment breeds more 642 00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:23,099 resentment. 643 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:23,769 Yeah. 644 00:24:24,029 --> 00:24:28,410 And I mean, yes, you, you, you, what was that tolerate thing 645 00:24:28,410 --> 00:24:28,829 that you said? 646 00:24:28,829 --> 00:24:30,509 You get what you tolerate, you get what you tolerate. 647 00:24:30,779 --> 00:24:31,109 Right. 648 00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:32,670 What am I choosing to feed? 649 00:24:34,484 --> 00:24:39,674 Am I, am I choosing to feed on the negative areas in my life, 650 00:24:39,944 --> 00:24:42,974 in my, in my marriage that I'm discontent about, but yet have 651 00:24:42,974 --> 00:24:47,535 never even given you the courtesy of a conversation about 652 00:24:47,535 --> 00:24:48,525 it, which 653 00:24:48,734 --> 00:24:50,615 Bryan: will be a really good one for us to talk about next week. 654 00:24:51,134 --> 00:24:51,494 Mm-hmm. 655 00:24:51,964 --> 00:24:54,404 Like if you had a, a final thought. 656 00:24:54,795 --> 00:24:59,234 What would your final, final encouragement to someone who's 657 00:24:59,234 --> 00:25:03,345 struggling with the one being the one who's comparing their 658 00:25:03,349 --> 00:25:05,625 husband to someone else or comparing their wife to someone 659 00:25:05,625 --> 00:25:08,474 else, what would your final words of encouragement from a 660 00:25:08,474 --> 00:25:09,525 recovering people pleaser? 661 00:25:12,904 --> 00:25:14,744 Natalie: I don't, I don't think I understood. 662 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,380 So, but you're asking because I was the one also comparing you, 663 00:25:19,380 --> 00:25:20,490 but then I 664 00:25:20,579 --> 00:25:20,910 Bryan: Yeah. 665 00:25:20,970 --> 00:25:23,730 So encourage the one who's doing the same thing you were, 666 00:25:24,269 --> 00:25:26,190 Natalie: who is doing the comparing. 667 00:25:26,194 --> 00:25:26,359 Yeah. 668 00:25:26,670 --> 00:25:28,049 And who's in that mindset. 669 00:25:28,049 --> 00:25:28,349 Yeah. 670 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:28,859 What 671 00:25:28,859 --> 00:25:29,789 Bryan: would you say to someone? 672 00:25:30,150 --> 00:25:30,450 Well, one, 673 00:25:30,450 --> 00:25:31,559 Natalie: I would ask, how's it working? 674 00:25:33,299 --> 00:25:35,039 Bryan: That's such a good question. 675 00:25:35,490 --> 00:25:36,539 Natalie: How's this going for you? 676 00:25:36,545 --> 00:25:36,809 Right. 677 00:25:36,809 --> 00:25:41,009 Because if you know, part of coming to self-awareness is, 678 00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:42,990 self is introspective work. 679 00:25:43,019 --> 00:25:43,170 Right. 680 00:25:43,930 --> 00:25:47,920 And I can ask myself, I'm, I'm very attuned with how I am, and 681 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:50,200 I can ask myself like, is that actually working? 682 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,990 No, it's not, but I don't know what else to do, so I'll just 683 00:25:52,990 --> 00:25:53,710 keep doing it. 684 00:25:53,714 --> 00:25:54,730 Right, right. 685 00:25:54,789 --> 00:25:59,109 So a final thought was, take a look at you and, and honestly, 686 00:25:59,109 --> 00:26:01,690 things didn't change until I really took a look at myself. 687 00:26:02,009 --> 00:26:02,950 Hmm, that's 688 00:26:02,970 --> 00:26:03,130 Bryan: good. 689 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:05,890 I took accountability for your actions, took 690 00:26:05,890 --> 00:26:07,900 Natalie: accountability, and again, it, I think that was year 691 00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,809 12 of our relation of our marriage that finally a light 692 00:26:10,809 --> 00:26:11,890 bulb went off. 693 00:26:12,470 --> 00:26:14,569 I encourage you not to wait that long. 694 00:26:14,569 --> 00:26:15,430 Really do. 695 00:26:16,565 --> 00:26:17,194 The hard work. 696 00:26:17,194 --> 00:26:21,515 If you're not liking what you're raping, then you need to change 697 00:26:21,515 --> 00:26:22,295 what you're sowing. 698 00:26:22,565 --> 00:26:23,345 Oh, you're stealing a mem. 699 00:26:23,825 --> 00:26:25,265 I'm stealing a bism. 700 00:26:25,565 --> 00:26:27,065 That would be my final thought. 701 00:26:27,515 --> 00:26:28,535 Resentment's not healthy. 702 00:26:28,924 --> 00:26:30,875 It's not healthy for your physical body, your spiritual 703 00:26:30,875 --> 00:26:34,115 body, your emotional body, the atmosphere in your home, your up 704 00:26:34,115 --> 00:26:34,565 on it. 705 00:26:35,224 --> 00:26:40,025 There is a better way, and sometimes it comes down to 706 00:26:40,025 --> 00:26:41,164 laying down your pride. 707 00:26:41,539 --> 00:26:41,839 Yep. 708 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,329 And acknowledging that you are at 709 00:26:44,329 --> 00:26:44,750 Bryan: fault. 710 00:26:45,049 --> 00:26:46,250 That's really good. 711 00:26:46,549 --> 00:26:47,579 How is this working for you? 712 00:26:48,109 --> 00:26:49,140 Natalie: How's this working for you? 713 00:26:49,309 --> 00:26:50,089 There's number one. 714 00:26:50,930 --> 00:26:51,259 Bryan: Wow. 715 00:26:51,259 --> 00:26:54,500 I'm glad we had so much content for this one and stuck with 716 00:26:54,500 --> 00:26:57,650 number one and went on a bit of a, a journey down there. 717 00:26:57,654 --> 00:27:02,474 Well, we appreciate you joining us on this journey, and we, I 718 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,204 think we felt that comparison is something that really people 719 00:27:05,204 --> 00:27:05,775 need to break through. 720 00:27:06,539 --> 00:27:07,589 And break away from. 721 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:08,099 Mm-hmm. 722 00:27:08,190 --> 00:27:10,710 And that there needs to be some freedom in people's lives in 723 00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:14,269 this area, cuz we've experienced this really deep and this can, 724 00:27:14,779 --> 00:27:17,509 this can affect you in all areas of your life. 725 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:18,109 A hundred percent. 726 00:27:18,109 --> 00:27:20,900 Your marriage, work, church. 727 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:24,180 It can, you know, like I used to say all the time, I hate 728 00:27:24,184 --> 00:27:26,460 preaching after one of the other pastors because he was just so 729 00:27:26,460 --> 00:27:28,200 good at it and I hated going after him. 730 00:27:28,845 --> 00:27:29,654 And my next week. 731 00:27:29,654 --> 00:27:32,835 And so I got over it, but it, it just takes some time and just 732 00:27:32,835 --> 00:27:35,805 need some encouragement and love and care that way as you move 733 00:27:35,805 --> 00:27:36,285 forward in that. 734 00:27:36,285 --> 00:27:37,875 So we really appreciate you listening. 735 00:27:38,325 --> 00:27:41,744 If you have any questions about comparison or even if you have a 736 00:27:41,750 --> 00:27:45,255 story or an experience of how you figured it out, please email 737 00:27:45,255 --> 00:27:47,595 us and we'll read it on the on on the show. 738 00:27:47,595 --> 00:27:48,464 We'd love to hear it. 739 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,960 We'd love to hear about testimonies of people breaking 740 00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:51,829 through some stuff. 741 00:27:51,980 --> 00:27:52,069 Mm-hmm. 742 00:27:52,309 --> 00:27:53,869 We'd love to be able to share that with people. 743 00:27:53,869 --> 00:27:55,970 Just know that it's not just us out there that are breaking 744 00:27:55,970 --> 00:27:57,619 through, but there's no lots going on. 745 00:27:57,625 --> 00:28:00,980 So if you really like this podcast, it does mean a 746 00:28:00,980 --> 00:28:02,990 tremendous amount when you share it. 747 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:04,779 Let people know all about it. 748 00:28:05,059 --> 00:28:07,009 Let people know that there's people out there that are 749 00:28:07,009 --> 00:28:08,119 praying for'em, caring for them. 750 00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:08,220 Absolutely. 751 00:28:08,690 --> 00:28:11,299 You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook, and if you like I 752 00:28:11,299 --> 00:28:12,980 said, do you have a question or topic, let us 753 00:28:12,980 --> 00:28:16,069 know@amplifiedmarriagegmail.com. 754 00:28:16,099 --> 00:28:19,880 And as you hear us say, we firmly believe this with all of 755 00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:20,299 our heart. 756 00:28:20,299 --> 00:28:24,420 We believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, 757 00:28:24,529 --> 00:28:26,119 recharged, and restored. 758 00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:27,079 Thanks so much for listening. 759 00:28:27,109 --> 00:28:27,740 Natalie: Talk to you soon.