Bryan: Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.
Today we are talking about comparison and how comparison in
your relationship is probably sucking the life right out of
it.
Tune in.
This is gonna be a good one.
Natalie: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
And I'm Bryan.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you hear us say
every podcast, grab a coffee, grab a tea snack, sit on the
couch.
Join us for a chat.
As we talk about comparison,
Bryan: why or why is comparison so challenging?
Natalie: Personally, the first thing that comes to my mind is
it comes from a state of Discontentment.
Really?
Yep.
Bryan: So you tell me before every episode that we do not to
ask you just questions off the cuff, and then I do.
And then wisdom just pours out of you.
If you could see her face one day we'll have this videoed and
you should see her face when she does these things.
But for crying out loud like that is such a really good
start.
The comparison comes from a place of discontentment.
Right,
Natalie: and, and you know how it came so quickly to me because
I have lived it.
Bryan: What are you saying?
Natalie: I've lived in the state of comparison.
Yeah, I remember this.
It's a, it's a steeler of joy.
It robs you of what you, what good you have in your
relationship.
I think it keeps you focused on yourself.
Hmm.
And your needs versus anyone else's needs.
Like even serving your spouse.
That's right.
And honestly, like makes you a miserable person.
Bryan: And, and not only does it make you a miserable person, it
makes the person that you're doing the comparison of it makes
them miserable too.
Natalie: That's right.
Right.
And depending on who you're, who the receiving person is.
Yeah.
Like if it were you if I was the one that was at the receiving
end of being like, like, Compared to other people.
And I'm sure at some point there was an instance where you were
kind of the perpetrator of, that doesn't come to my mind at this
moment, but being a recovering people pleaser, it would've sent
me into a frenzy of trying to work overtime to fix it.
Right?
And so thus comes like unhealthy habits, unhealthy.
Projections and antics that I know myself capable of to
prevent that view that you might have had of me.
Hmm.
But you not being a people pleaser what the, my sort of
like thrusting that comparison picture on you.
It just made you mad.
Yeah, because you were like, I'm not striving to meet you
anywhere because,
Bryan: Well, and like the, here's the thing though, is that
that's not that I was like at the beginning when this was a
real problem for us.
I wasn't like a, I was a good husband.
I was a good at being just a human.
I was just, you know, I was kind of a mess.
Like, and it's not like, You comparing me to other people
spurred me on to do better?
No, it actually
Natalie: you dug your heels
Bryan: in.
It just done pissed me off and yeah, and it just made me worse
because I felt like I had to prove who I was and it, thinking
back, I don't remember thinking I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be this
guy just because she said she wants me to be that guy.
No, I'm gonna be, and I never ever thought that, but I've
never, but I can remember my behavior, right.
And, and literally doing things that were the opposite because
I'm a stubborn.
Mule sometimes doing the opposite of what would make you
happy because you compared me to that other person.
I remember you doing that just with the other, other people.
Now, I remember talking before, before we, we recorded this, I
remember talking about it beforehand, and you're like, oh,
yeah, I used to do it with friends or say things or do
things.
I don't remember those specifically, but I just
remembered you looking at someone and be like, man, why?
Oh, like almost like Brian, give your head a shake,
Natalie: right?
And.
It came from a place of lack.
It came from a place of, that part of whatever I was needing
wasn't being fulfilled.
Right.
And so,
Bryan: but it was the expectation that if I was
better, I would fulfill that.
Natalie: No, I don't think it was a matter of being better.
I think it was more like self-aware of how your behavior
was hurtful.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Right.
There was no self-awareness in the first.
I'd say 10 years of our marriage, what?
Right.
And how do we survive for both of us?
Right.
Oh yeah.
No, I get it.
Right.
So it wasn't just Brian.
And Pastor Brody, if you're listening, I am fully aware of
my fault.
He'll know what we're talking about.
I'm very self-aware of the crazy stunts I tried to pull in order
to get your behavior to change.
All the while it wasn't the behavior modification that I was
after.
It was a heart transformation.
Yeah.
And that wouldn't come until I started dealing with some issues
within my own heart towards you.
So that's when the heart transformation
Bryan: came.
Would it have made you happy?
This is, this is a random thought that this came to me.
Would it have made you happy for me just to, to do what you
wanted rather than be stubborn?
No.
Well, because, because Would you rather have me just someone who
just, who just gives up?
Well,
Natalie: in the moment it would've been instant
gratification.
Right.
But you're not a puppet.
Bryan: But you would've, you would've essentially trained me
to be a weak person.
Almost right.
You know, like, cause I psych, I wouldn't have no idea.
She, she seems she wants this and wants me to be like this
guy.
So I'm just gonna give up who I am to be that person.
Natalie: I wouldn't say train, I would say, well, that strong
words, but I just kind of like beat you down with my words and
then just be so right.
Yeah.
Because that was, What I knew.
Well, that's what was modeled, right?
Oh, to me as a pattern that worked.
I gotcha.
And so I'm like, ma, I'll try it.
It does not work.
I, I suggest you.
Bryan: And when they say that daughters marry their, the
someone that's like their fathers, you married the
opposite of your dad.
Natalie: Right.
There's, there's that little bit of, there's that rebellious
streak within my personality that Did you marry
Bryan: me just despite your dad?
Natalie: No, I love you.
So I married you, but I wish you were
Bryan: on camera.
Your eyeballs did a thing.
Natalie: But did I need their approval of you?
No.
Would it have been nice to have it?
Sure.
But as we go along on our journey Yeah.
Yeah.
Turned out to be pretty darn good.
Bryan: So then here's, here's the question, and I appreciate
the compliment just for everyone hears that I gotta write down in
the, I'm just kidding.
That was just silly.
I tell you all the time how awesome I am.
I know I'm awesome.
But would it have been, did, did your desire not to have your
parents' approval of me because I just didn't care what your
parents thought of me.
Did it, did that make it easier for you to not care, or you just
were like, no, it took
Natalie: a long time.
It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could
stand on my own two feet.
Right.
Even if it meant I stood alone.
Right.
So it's not about, this is not their life.
Yeah.
This is not their wants and their expectations.
Those are, those are things they have to own.
This is my life, right?
And these are my choices and my decisions that I'm making.
And you know, as we were going through hard times, did I have
thoughts of like, what did I do?
Yes.
Right?
I did.
I would be lying if I didn't.
Did I want to spend my life with anyone else?
No.
Did I want to make it work?
Yes.
And so we exhausted.
All measures, both of us coming to a place where, yes, we both
want to work on the marriage.
We both wanted to work out.
And so then you put in the work.
Yeah.
And it became less about their thoughts and opinions on the
matter.
And it became more about, this is our family, this is our
lives.
And kind of like if you have nothing encouraging to say, then
maybe.
Choose the route of not saying anything at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
And so I say that not, not to, you know, discourage open
dialogue with family and friends, but you really need to
be discerning of whether or not that's crossing a line.
And.
Being more disparaging and more damaging than actually
Bryan: helpful.
Well, and the other thing too, I think I would add to that just
for, cuz I know we actually have coached a lot of couples that
have struggled with this, where parents just were really str
really struggling to accept one or the other.
Mm-hmm.
Or like the, like whatever the spouse was or whatever the, the
choice was.
So that being said, like, There comes a time in your
relationship where you have to choose in your life who has
input that actually is for you.
Yes.
And your relationship.
And the hard truth is, and we had to make this decision
probably after the 10 years when we finally gained a little bit
of emotional awareness.
We had to make that decision as to we are not going to invite
counsel or advice from them because they're not for us.
That's right.
And it it for so long, no matter what I did, it was always wrong.
No matter what job I did, they were unhappy with no matter what
career choice I I was choosing and they didn't like it.
That's right.
They especially despised the fact or despised me, that's a
strong word, but disliked the fact that I went into ministry.
Yeah.
To be a pastor or even served at a church for a long time, cuz
that wasn't academic.
And
Natalie: so, so can I just say to those that might find
themselves in a similar situation, academics does not
determine the character of the person, right?
So you can have all the degrees under your belt and be a total.
Tool bag.
Yes.
Right, right.
And you can be uneducated as far as post-secondary and be a
stellar
Bryan: of human beings, so, right.
Like they really put a premium on the fact that.
I should have been like high or like college educated, like
university level.
I have lots of training.
I got all kinds of training that I've picked up over the years.
I still take training.
Mm-hmm.
We still do do things like this, like conflict resolution and HR
training and yeah, all kinds of counseling.
Like we've done all kinds of training, but that was never
good enough.
No.
Natalie: And, and you have to come to a point within yourself
that you don't need their
Bryan: affirmation.
So did, did the decision to, like how to word this, like,
because I just didn't care what your parents thought.
Nope, because they, they made it abundantly apparent early on and
more leaning to your mom than your dad necessarily.
Although the academics was a real thing, but I didn't really
care and I think that bothered them.
That I just wouldn't like drop everything to listen to what
they were saying and, and make completely change up in my life
and career.
That's right.
To do what they chose.
Natalie: That's right.
And it's again, it's not up to them.
Right.
There comes a point where your children become adults.
Right.
And your input into their life becomes solicited when asked
for.
Right.
Not just.
Barfed on them because they're your kids, right?
So
Bryan: right, you get to a certain place where, You just
have to make that decision.
And, and I'm, I, I'm actually surprised now that we've been
coaching couples for a while, how often it happens from
couples ranging from like young 20 19, 20, 21 years old, all the
way up to couples that have meddling parents at 40 years old
or 45.
I'm like, are you, there
Natalie: is a better way.
People Come on.
There's
Bryan: a better way.
Parents just need to let go.
Just let it go and just move on.
Anyway, back to back to what we're talking comparison.
Our first point that we had, which we've talked about a
little bit, is it actually breeds resentment.
Natalie: Resentment, and this is a prime example of Oh, like
exactly what we were talking about, about overbearing,
meddling in-laws, right.
Parents, friends.
Yeah, you fill in the blanks.
It does breed resentment because you know, when we've said before
in lots of our podcasts that you become who you hang out with,
right?
And so if you are in the company of negative people, of people
that talk down your spouse constantly, and after a while
those words begin to take root and
Bryan: they start being the things that you think and they,
and
Natalie: my, oh yeah.
Towards my husband.
And you begin to see them through that lens and it's
totally wrong.
But it's real.
Yeah.
It's a fact.
Comparison leads to resentment.
It might not show its ugly face for some time.
Wow.
But when it comes out, it's going to be ugly.
And it did, it was a bone of contention in our, in our
marriage of creating an environment where it was just
volatile.
Right.
Would be the only word.
And, and, and it was particularly worse the more I
was around it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
And so there was, I didn't trust myself.
I didn't trust you.
I didn't, I trusted the input where it was coming from because
these are, these are family members.
Like you're supposed to trust your family.
And I think that just I dunno how to say it.
Bryan: Well, you, you and I think just even as we're just
sitting here, just kind of what's coming to me is like,
just because they're your family, they still have to earn
your trust and keep your trust.
Right.
And they still have to earn a place and to whether or not you
would listen to them wisdom wise.
Mm-hmm.
And they, they don't get it just because they're blood.
Natalie: No.
No.
And the The, the types of questions that I'd get asked
would be, you know, like, who's watching your kids?
Be like, my husband is watching his children,
Bryan: I'm babysitting my own
Natalie: kids.
Well, is he gonna give them a bath?
Like he should know that they need a bath.
Is stuff like that that you're like the, the air of.
My spouse being incompetent.
And it really bred that inadequacy, like, you know, oh,
well, you know, men should take out the garbage and men should
deal with like all the car things.
And then, oh my gosh, I'm looking at you.
And I'm like, he doesn't take the garbage at, at all.
Right.
Yeah.
And it just, it begins to feed the beast.
Bryan: And we have what?
Blue job and pink jobs in our house.
Natalie: We do now.
Right.
And there's just jobs.
I mean, we delegate to our kids and they all have
responsibilities and stuff, stuff like that.
And I mean, who cares?
I take out the garbage.
It's not the end of the world, but when, when there's an area
of lack and that, you know, in hindsight wasn't area of lack,
that there was something in our relationship that I wasn't
getting.
Mm-hmm.
That It wasn't working in the positive.
It certainly didn't work in the negative, but you know what I
mean?
Yeah.
At the beginning when we talked about more like using the words
and like beating you down in order to get that, that behavior
modification I was not.
You know, sure.
I'll try the negative approach and maybe that will like which
snap you out of it.
Bryan: I think what you said though was, was kind of a key
thing is it was modeled to you.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
And so cuz just that negative and you see it in movies, you
see it on tv, you see, you read it in articles and this type of
thing, like honestly comparison can lead to domestic abuse.
Because be be whether it's like man to woman, woman to man, At
some point someone's gonna snap and it's not gonna be good.
Yeah.
And then that's where sin comes in and that's where gossip comes
in.
And possibly stepping out comes in in adultery and pornography.
And you end up in all these scenarios where you've just
allowed this to come in because you thought the only way to
communicate with your husband to make him better was to No, no,
no.
The way you're gonna do this is through kind words.
Yeah.
It's the way through is through encouragement.
It's a way through loving, loving them.
In, in the flaws that they have to move them on, right?
To help them grow.
Natalie: Like if you think of a balloon and every negative word,
a little bit of that balloon deflates, right?
Eventually there's not gonna be any air left in that balloon,
right?
And you come to a point where when you are at the receiving
end of the comparison there comes a point in your.
Marriage in your relationship where you just don't have the
energy to fight anymore.
Right.
And you just, one will either have the courage to just walk
away or two, you'll just take it.
Yeah.
Right.
And so Like we say in all the things, these are points to
bring up a discussion, give you tools in your tool belt.
There is a better way.
Yeah.
You just because something was modeled to you doesn't make it
right.
Right, right.
And for you to come to a place in your own journey to recognize
what's healthy and what's not.
For sure.
And if it's not healthy it's not too late.
Yeah.
Bryan: That's for sure.
I think this was originally gonna be one, one podcast, but I
think that we'll just do the two points.
This kind of took a
Natalie: different
Bryan: turn actually.
Yeah.
It, it kind of, it kind of went a little bit.
We,
Natalie: we, we've got a lot of content points.
Do we have, we have four points and we might, we might just
break this up into four.
Bryan: No, would, should we try for the next one?
Like, I, I really, I think that if, if just even in the
coaching.
World or, and like the coaching couples.
I think that with this comparison thing, the, the issue
with comparison is that so often it, it shows up as many
different things.
Mm-hmm.
It shows up as anger, frustration bitterness, lack of
communication.
Anything that you An underhanded insult.
Un yeah.
Like, and all of it.
And, and really it's because you are saying, well, I want Brian
to be like, you look at a husband even with one of our
friends as someone that we know.
Mm-hmm.
And maybe never verbalize it to me.
But the way you speak will show what's in the heart.
And you'll say, well, I want Brian to be like Bill for
instance, or a husband that you know is doing well, like Greg,
one of her friends, we were in Prince George.
Like, I want Brian to be like Greg.
Not, not in personality, just I want him to, to be that
attentive and to, and the, the thing is, is that that
frustration shows up in so many different things that you may
actually miss the fact that you've actually been comparing
your husband to someone else.
But the comments you've been saying are actually comments of
comparison.
Natalie: Right.
No.
And actually you brought up a good point cuz we had mentioned
earlier, like you become who you hang out with and, and Greg was
instrumental in your life because this Bryant, my husband
had lots of.
Anger issues like father wounds, explosive and things like that
was not, he was kind of a bull in a China shop and sometimes he
can still be like that, but it's much temp, more tempered now.
But Greg was, was that steady Eddie Levelheaded, calm this
guy.
Soft-spoken but not a pushover.
No, not at all.
Patient.
He had the patience of job and he was instrumental in modeling
to you.
Healthy
Bryan: manhood.
Well, and also just being sometimes really blunt with me
and just being like, Brian, no.
Natalie: Exactly right.
And so yes, I mean you, it's modeled to you just as the
negative can be modeled to you or unhealthy patterns can be
modeled, so can healthy ones.
Right?
Right.
And so Greg modeled healthy right behaviors and healthy ways
to speak to.
Your wife and to speak to just people in general, like
relationship wise.
He was just really instrumental.
Bryan: So, and that's, and that's why we so often talk
about accountability and mentorship.
It's important, it's super important that men and women in
their relationship have people that they can just go to and
just lay it all down,
Natalie: right?
And go to, and we say this.
Carefully not go to, to, to complain.
Talk about how crapy hundred percent your spouse is, that's
not helpful.
If you wanna talk about, you know go talk to a therapist,
right?
Or they're gonna have some solutions, right?
Not necessarily your friends, because, you know, as much as we
like to say that we're non-biased, you know, if my
girlfriend comes to me and is like this, that, and this, that
about her husband, naturally speaking, my first thought.
Is like, how dare he?
Right?
Yeah.
And then afterwards, you know, I have to catch myself because
there's always two sides, right?
Mm-hmm.
So you just want to have people that aren't afraid to call you
out in the areas that you are also not being healthy in
Bryan: a hundred percent.
And that's, that's the like, and that's why it's so important,
like, Defined and because hate we're Christians, I'm a pastor.
Faith and community have been so important to our walk of success
in our relationship.
Natalie: Super important.
And with our, and in a lot of ways have been closer than
family.
Yeah.
Right.
They
Bryan: are my family.
Yeah.
Because you, you make decisions regarding your family.
That, and, and here's the thing is that so often in
relationships bec there's a whole thing, their family.
And so you let your family stomp on you wound, you hurt you just
because of the word family.
Mm-hmm.
And it's not word that we're advocating at all that you
separate from your family if they make you mad.
I'm saying like, if it's a destructive, toxic environment
and it's, that's the pattern.
You do not have to tolerate that pattern.
Not at all.
You don't like Henry Cloud.
He's a, a red in marriage.
He says you get what you tolerate.
Mm-hmm.
And it's very much not only for your relationship with your
spouse, you get what you tolerate if you never stand up
to your spouse.
Whoever it is, man, woman, if you never spend send up.
So if I never send up to Natalie, she'll never know what
my boundary is.
A hundred percent.
And it's the same thing with your families.
If you never, and yes, there's families that are narcissistic
and they're super destructive and they're super really deep,
dark problems that are just breaking the family.
You don't have to tolerate that and,
Natalie: and comparison happens.
It, well, in our situation, it was in that whole thing.
It was like, well, you know, Praising this person's accolades
academically or praising this person's this, that, or the
other.
We weren't exempt, so it was happening within our marriage,
but it was also happening externally spoken into our
marriage.
Right, right.
In hopes that that would change.
And that just, that just breeds that just takes it to a whole
nother level.
Yeah.
The resentment is a real thing.
And it took a long time for me to unpack that.
Bryan: Yeah.
To, to get to the, because, because you were a people
pleaser.
Yeah.
You really just wanted to please your parents to please your
friends.
A hundred
Natalie: percent.
And, and resentment towards you in the, in the areas that I felt
you were not providing.
Yeah.
But also resentment for me.
Sorry.
Resentment about myself.
Yeah.
I was resenting myself for even allowing it, for even
entertaining it.
Yeah.
Right.
And so it's this, this bizarre, almost double-edged sword and
this cycle that, you know, resentment breeds more
resentment.
Yeah.
And I mean, yes, you, you, you, what was that tolerate thing
that you said?
You get what you tolerate, you get what you tolerate.
Right.
What am I choosing to feed?
Am I, am I choosing to feed on the negative areas in my life,
in my, in my marriage that I'm discontent about, but yet have
never even given you the courtesy of a conversation about
it, which
Bryan: will be a really good one for us to talk about next week.
Mm-hmm.
Like if you had a, a final thought.
What would your final, final encouragement to someone who's
struggling with the one being the one who's comparing their
husband to someone else or comparing their wife to someone
else, what would your final words of encouragement from a
recovering people pleaser?
Natalie: I don't, I don't think I understood.
So, but you're asking because I was the one also comparing you,
but then I
Bryan: Yeah.
So encourage the one who's doing the same thing you were,
Natalie: who is doing the comparing.
Yeah.
And who's in that mindset.
Yeah.
What
Bryan: would you say to someone?
Well, one,
Natalie: I would ask, how's it working?
Bryan: That's such a good question.
Natalie: How's this going for you?
Right.
Because if you know, part of coming to self-awareness is,
self is introspective work.
Right.
And I can ask myself, I'm, I'm very attuned with how I am, and
I can ask myself like, is that actually working?
No, it's not, but I don't know what else to do, so I'll just
keep doing it.
Right, right.
So a final thought was, take a look at you and, and honestly,
things didn't change until I really took a look at myself.
Hmm, that's
Bryan: good.
I took accountability for your actions, took
Natalie: accountability, and again, it, I think that was year
12 of our relation of our marriage that finally a light
bulb went off.
I encourage you not to wait that long.
Really do.
The hard work.
If you're not liking what you're raping, then you need to change
what you're sowing.
Oh, you're stealing a mem.
I'm stealing a bism.
That would be my final thought.
Resentment's not healthy.
It's not healthy for your physical body, your spiritual
body, your emotional body, the atmosphere in your home, your up
on it.
There is a better way, and sometimes it comes down to
laying down your pride.
Yep.
And acknowledging that you are at
Bryan: fault.
That's really good.
How is this working for you?
Natalie: How's this working for you?
There's number one.
Bryan: Wow.
I'm glad we had so much content for this one and stuck with
number one and went on a bit of a, a journey down there.
Well, we appreciate you joining us on this journey, and we, I
think we felt that comparison is something that really people
need to break through.
And break away from.
Mm-hmm.
And that there needs to be some freedom in people's lives in
this area, cuz we've experienced this really deep and this can,
this can affect you in all areas of your life.
A hundred percent.
Your marriage, work, church.
It can, you know, like I used to say all the time, I hate
preaching after one of the other pastors because he was just so
good at it and I hated going after him.
And my next week.
And so I got over it, but it, it just takes some time and just
need some encouragement and love and care that way as you move
forward in that.
So we really appreciate you listening.
If you have any questions about comparison or even if you have a
story or an experience of how you figured it out, please email
us and we'll read it on the on on the show.
We'd love to hear it.
We'd love to hear about testimonies of people breaking
through some stuff.
Mm-hmm.
We'd love to be able to share that with people.
Just know that it's not just us out there that are breaking
through, but there's no lots going on.
So if you really like this podcast, it does mean a
tremendous amount when you share it.
Let people know all about it.
Let people know that there's people out there that are
praying for'em, caring for them.
Absolutely.
You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook, and if you like I
said, do you have a question or topic, let us
know@amplifiedmarriagegmail.com.
And as you hear us say, we firmly believe this with all of
our heart.
We believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed,
recharged, and restored.
Thanks so much for listening.
Natalie: Talk to you soon.