WEBVTT 00:00:14.539 --> 00:00:16.829 Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast. 00:00:17.339 --> 00:00:26.640 Today we are talking about comparison and how comparison in your relationship is probably sucking the life right out of it. 00:00:26.699 --> 00:00:27.089 Tune in. 00:00:27.089 --> 00:00:27.989 This is gonna be a good one. 00:00:45.289 --> 00:00:47.740 Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. 00:00:47.740 --> 00:00:48.429 I'm Natalie. 00:00:48.429 --> 00:00:49.369 And I'm Bryan. 00:00:49.420 --> 00:00:57.219 Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you hear us say every podcast, grab a coffee, grab a tea snack, sit on the couch. 00:00:57.609 --> 00:00:58.719 Join us for a chat. 00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:00.140 As we talk about comparison, 00:01:02.039 --> 00:01:06.640 why or why is comparison so challenging? 00:01:08.950 --> 00:01:13.000 Personally, the first thing that comes to my mind is it comes from a state of Discontentment. 00:01:13.754 --> 00:01:14.355 Really? 00:01:14.504 --> 00:01:14.685 Yep. 00:01:15.194 --> 00:01:22.125 So you tell me before every episode that we do not to ask you just questions off the cuff, and then I do. 00:01:22.125 --> 00:01:23.834 And then wisdom just pours out of you. 00:01:24.584 --> 00:01:28.694 If you could see her face one day we'll have this videoed and you should see her face when she does these things. 00:01:29.415 --> 00:01:32.474 But for crying out loud like that is such a really good start. 00:01:32.594 --> 00:01:35.025 The comparison comes from a place of discontentment. 00:01:35.114 --> 00:01:35.444 Right, 00:01:35.450 --> 00:01:40.334 and, and you know how it came so quickly to me because I have lived it. 00:01:40.935 --> 00:01:41.805 What are you saying? 00:01:42.405 --> 00:01:44.415 I've lived in the state of comparison. 00:01:45.555 --> 00:01:46.364 Yeah, I remember this. 00:01:46.724 --> 00:01:48.644 It's a, it's a steeler of joy. 00:01:49.375 --> 00:01:54.775 It robs you of what you, what good you have in your relationship. 00:01:54.775 --> 00:01:57.204 I think it keeps you focused on yourself. 00:01:57.534 --> 00:01:57.775 Hmm. 00:01:57.984 --> 00:02:01.855 And your needs versus anyone else's needs. 00:02:02.125 --> 00:02:03.114 Like even serving your spouse. 00:02:03.114 --> 00:02:03.655 That's right. 00:02:03.954 --> 00:02:07.555 And honestly, like makes you a miserable person. 00:02:09.219 --> 00:02:18.219 And, and not only does it make you a miserable person, it makes the person that you're doing the comparison of it makes them miserable too. 00:02:18.699 --> 00:02:19.110 That's right. 00:02:19.750 --> 00:02:19.990 Right. 00:02:19.990 --> 00:02:23.650 And depending on who you're, who the receiving person is. 00:02:23.650 --> 00:02:23.919 Yeah. 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:32.205 Like if it were you if I was the one that was at the receiving end of being like, like, Compared to other people. 00:02:32.205 --> 00:02:52.340 And I'm sure at some point there was an instance where you were kind of the perpetrator of, that doesn't come to my mind at this moment, but being a recovering people pleaser, it would've sent me into a frenzy of trying to work overtime to fix it. 00:02:52.610 --> 00:02:52.729 Right? 00:02:52.759 --> 00:02:57.319 And so thus comes like unhealthy habits, unhealthy. 00:02:57.914 --> 00:03:07.875 Projections and antics that I know myself capable of to prevent that view that you might have had of me. 00:03:08.625 --> 00:03:08.805 Hmm. 00:03:09.074 --> 00:03:19.164 But you not being a people pleaser what the, my sort of like thrusting that comparison picture on you. 00:03:19.645 --> 00:03:20.455 It just made you mad. 00:03:21.669 --> 00:03:25.389 Yeah, because you were like, I'm not striving to meet you anywhere because, 00:03:26.819 --> 00:03:33.805 Well, and like the, here's the thing though, is that that's not that I was like at the beginning when this was a real problem for us. 00:03:33.805 --> 00:03:35.514 I wasn't like a, I was a good husband. 00:03:36.205 --> 00:03:38.574 I was a good at being just a human. 00:03:38.634 --> 00:03:40.254 I was just, you know, I was kind of a mess. 00:03:40.284 --> 00:03:45.205 Like, and it's not like, You comparing me to other people spurred me on to do better? 00:03:45.504 --> 00:03:46.104 No, it actually 00:03:46.104 --> 00:03:46.794 you dug your heels 00:03:46.794 --> 00:03:46.944 in. 00:03:46.944 --> 00:03:59.665 It just done pissed me off and yeah, and it just made me worse because I felt like I had to prove who I was and it, thinking back, I don't remember thinking I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be this guy just because she said she wants me to be that guy. 00:03:59.995 --> 00:04:05.215 No, I'm gonna be, and I never ever thought that, but I've never, but I can remember my behavior, right. 00:04:05.365 --> 00:04:10.074 And, and literally doing things that were the opposite because I'm a stubborn. 00:04:10.495 --> 00:04:15.205 Mule sometimes doing the opposite of what would make you happy because you compared me to that other person. 00:04:15.205 --> 00:04:18.415 I remember you doing that just with the other, other people. 00:04:18.415 --> 00:04:27.264 Now, I remember talking before, before we, we recorded this, I remember talking about it beforehand, and you're like, oh, yeah, I used to do it with friends or say things or do things. 00:04:27.264 --> 00:04:33.415 I don't remember those specifically, but I just remembered you looking at someone and be like, man, why? 00:04:33.985 --> 00:04:36.745 Oh, like almost like Brian, give your head a shake, 00:04:37.435 --> 00:04:38.035 right? 00:04:38.095 --> 00:04:38.725 And. 00:04:39.324 --> 00:04:40.884 It came from a place of lack. 00:04:40.884 --> 00:04:46.194 It came from a place of, that part of whatever I was needing wasn't being fulfilled. 00:04:46.345 --> 00:04:46.615 Right. 00:04:46.884 --> 00:04:47.665 And so, 00:04:48.654 --> 00:04:53.305 but it was the expectation that if I was better, I would fulfill that. 00:04:56.394 --> 00:04:58.555 No, I don't think it was a matter of being better. 00:04:58.884 --> 00:05:04.194 I think it was more like self-aware of how your behavior was hurtful. 00:05:04.254 --> 00:05:04.345 Oh, okay. 00:05:04.345 --> 00:05:04.435 Yeah. 00:05:04.675 --> 00:05:04.795 Yeah. 00:05:05.035 --> 00:05:05.125 Right. 00:05:05.129 --> 00:05:07.615 There was no self-awareness in the first. 00:05:08.605 --> 00:05:10.985 I'd say 10 years of our marriage, what? 00:05:11.605 --> 00:05:12.084 Right. 00:05:12.084 --> 00:05:14.274 And how do we survive for both of us? 00:05:14.274 --> 00:05:14.634 Right. 00:05:14.694 --> 00:05:14.935 Oh yeah. 00:05:14.939 --> 00:05:15.345 No, I get it. 00:05:15.444 --> 00:05:15.714 Right. 00:05:15.714 --> 00:05:18.055 So it wasn't just Brian. 00:05:18.415 --> 00:05:22.704 And Pastor Brody, if you're listening, I am fully aware of my fault. 00:05:23.904 --> 00:05:24.904 He'll know what we're talking about. 00:05:25.605 --> 00:05:34.444 I'm very self-aware of the crazy stunts I tried to pull in order to get your behavior to change. 00:05:35.180 --> 00:05:38.870 All the while it wasn't the behavior modification that I was after. 00:05:38.870 --> 00:05:40.250 It was a heart transformation. 00:05:40.310 --> 00:05:40.579 Yeah. 00:05:40.730 --> 00:05:46.639 And that wouldn't come until I started dealing with some issues within my own heart towards you. 00:05:46.670 --> 00:05:48.259 So that's when the heart transformation 00:05:48.259 --> 00:05:48.529 came. 00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:50.720 Would it have made you happy? 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:52.790 This is, this is a random thought that this came to me. 00:05:52.790 --> 00:06:00.620 Would it have made you happy for me just to, to do what you wanted rather than be stubborn? 00:06:01.925 --> 00:06:02.345 No. 00:06:02.345 --> 00:06:06.485 Well, because, because Would you rather have me just someone who just, who just gives up? 00:06:07.055 --> 00:06:07.235 Well, 00:06:07.235 --> 00:06:09.574 in the moment it would've been instant gratification. 00:06:09.574 --> 00:06:09.904 Right. 00:06:09.904 --> 00:06:11.524 But you're not a puppet. 00:06:11.555 --> 00:06:14.435 But you would've, you would've essentially trained me to be a weak person. 00:06:15.064 --> 00:06:15.875 Almost right. 00:06:15.875 --> 00:06:17.884 You know, like, cause I psych, I wouldn't have no idea. 00:06:17.884 --> 00:06:20.824 She, she seems she wants this and wants me to be like this guy. 00:06:20.824 --> 00:06:22.865 So I'm just gonna give up who I am to be that person. 00:06:22.925 --> 00:06:31.235 I wouldn't say train, I would say, well, that strong words, but I just kind of like beat you down with my words and then just be so right. 00:06:31.240 --> 00:06:31.345 Yeah. 00:06:31.350 --> 00:06:31.625 Yeah. 00:06:31.704 --> 00:06:36.225 Because that was, What I knew. 00:06:36.225 --> 00:06:38.985 Well, that's what was modeled, right? 00:06:38.985 --> 00:06:41.264 Oh, to me as a pattern that worked. 00:06:41.264 --> 00:06:41.415 I gotcha. 00:06:41.415 --> 00:06:43.035 And so I'm like, ma, I'll try it. 00:06:43.095 --> 00:06:43.995 It does not work. 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:45.165 I, I suggest you. 00:06:45.165 --> 00:06:51.375 And when they say that daughters marry their, the someone that's like their fathers, you married the opposite of your dad. 00:06:51.774 --> 00:06:52.125 Right. 00:06:52.125 --> 00:07:01.555 There's, there's that little bit of, there's that rebellious streak within my personality that Did you marry 00:07:01.555 --> 00:07:02.845 me just despite your dad? 00:07:04.149 --> 00:07:06.310 No, I love you. 00:07:06.370 --> 00:07:08.769 So I married you, but I wish you were 00:07:08.769 --> 00:07:09.279 on camera. 00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:10.449 Your eyeballs did a thing. 00:07:12.129 --> 00:07:16.120 But did I need their approval of you? 00:07:16.810 --> 00:07:17.500 No. 00:07:17.889 --> 00:07:19.329 Would it have been nice to have it? 00:07:19.629 --> 00:07:20.170 Sure. 00:07:20.970 --> 00:07:24.610 But as we go along on our journey Yeah. 00:07:24.610 --> 00:07:24.889 Yeah. 00:07:24.949 --> 00:07:26.779 Turned out to be pretty darn good. 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:32.420 So then here's, here's the question, and I appreciate the compliment just for everyone hears that I gotta write down in the, I'm just kidding. 00:07:32.420 --> 00:07:33.649 That was just silly. 00:07:34.459 --> 00:07:36.410 I tell you all the time how awesome I am. 00:07:36.410 --> 00:07:37.189 I know I'm awesome. 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:48.170 But would it have been, did, did your desire not to have your parents' approval of me because I just didn't care what your parents thought of me. 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:53.209 Did it, did that make it easier for you to not care, or you just were like, no, it took 00:07:53.209 --> 00:07:53.899 a long time. 00:07:54.500 --> 00:08:00.199 It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could stand on my own two feet. 00:08:00.259 --> 00:08:00.470 Right. 00:08:00.470 --> 00:08:01.850 Even if it meant I stood alone. 00:08:02.060 --> 00:08:02.360 Right. 00:08:02.600 --> 00:08:06.410 So it's not about, this is not their life. 00:08:06.649 --> 00:08:06.920 Yeah. 00:08:06.980 --> 00:08:09.949 This is not their wants and their expectations. 00:08:09.949 --> 00:08:12.649 Those are, those are things they have to own. 00:08:13.514 --> 00:08:14.475 This is my life, right? 00:08:14.595 --> 00:08:18.495 And these are my choices and my decisions that I'm making. 00:08:18.524 --> 00:08:24.105 And you know, as we were going through hard times, did I have thoughts of like, what did I do? 00:08:24.194 --> 00:08:24.855 Yes. 00:08:25.154 --> 00:08:25.425 Right? 00:08:25.425 --> 00:08:25.754 I did. 00:08:25.754 --> 00:08:27.254 I would be lying if I didn't. 00:08:27.904 --> 00:08:29.735 Did I want to spend my life with anyone else? 00:08:29.740 --> 00:08:30.245 No. 00:08:30.274 --> 00:08:31.185 Did I want to make it work? 00:08:31.504 --> 00:08:32.075 Yes. 00:08:32.524 --> 00:08:34.745 And so we exhausted. 00:08:35.269 --> 00:08:40.250 All measures, both of us coming to a place where, yes, we both want to work on the marriage. 00:08:40.250 --> 00:08:41.779 We both wanted to work out. 00:08:42.350 --> 00:08:43.669 And so then you put in the work. 00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:44.240 Yeah. 00:08:44.659 --> 00:08:48.289 And it became less about their thoughts and opinions on the matter. 00:08:48.294 --> 00:08:51.940 And it became more about, this is our family, this is our lives. 00:08:53.120 --> 00:08:56.389 And kind of like if you have nothing encouraging to say, then maybe. 00:08:57.304 --> 00:09:00.335 Choose the route of not saying anything at all. 00:09:00.634 --> 00:09:01.615 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:09:02.134 --> 00:09:02.524 Right. 00:09:02.524 --> 00:09:15.754 And so I say that not, not to, you know, discourage open dialogue with family and friends, but you really need to be discerning of whether or not that's crossing a line. 00:09:16.595 --> 00:09:16.955 And. 00:09:17.504 --> 00:09:21.205 Being more disparaging and more damaging than actually 00:09:21.205 --> 00:09:21.654 helpful. 00:09:21.774 --> 00:09:35.245 Well, and the other thing too, I think I would add to that just for, cuz I know we actually have coached a lot of couples that have struggled with this, where parents just were really str really struggling to accept one or the other. 00:09:35.250 --> 00:09:35.495 Mm-hmm. 00:09:35.815 --> 00:09:39.565 Or like the, like whatever the spouse was or whatever the, the choice was. 00:09:40.375 --> 00:09:50.289 So that being said, like, There comes a time in your relationship where you have to choose in your life who has input that actually is for you. 00:09:50.379 --> 00:09:50.529 Yes. 00:09:50.620 --> 00:09:51.490 And your relationship. 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:58.210 And the hard truth is, and we had to make this decision probably after the 10 years when we finally gained a little bit of emotional awareness. 00:09:59.080 --> 00:10:06.899 We had to make that decision as to we are not going to invite counsel or advice from them because they're not for us. 00:10:06.899 --> 00:10:07.139 That's right. 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:12.539 And it it for so long, no matter what I did, it was always wrong. 00:10:13.139 --> 00:10:17.940 No matter what job I did, they were unhappy with no matter what career choice I I was choosing and they didn't like it. 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:18.360 That's right. 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:23.039 They especially despised the fact or despised me, that's a strong word, but disliked the fact that I went into ministry. 00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:23.279 Yeah. 00:10:23.434 --> 00:10:27.504 To be a pastor or even served at a church for a long time, cuz that wasn't academic. 00:10:27.985 --> 00:10:28.164 And 00:10:28.164 --> 00:10:36.205 so, so can I just say to those that might find themselves in a similar situation, academics does not determine the character of the person, right? 00:10:36.504 --> 00:10:39.985 So you can have all the degrees under your belt and be a total. 00:10:41.649 --> 00:10:42.070 Tool bag. 00:10:42.279 --> 00:10:42.820 Yes. 00:10:43.500 --> 00:10:44.049 Right, right. 00:10:44.110 --> 00:10:48.639 And you can be uneducated as far as post-secondary and be a stellar 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:49.360 of human beings, so, right. 00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:51.490 Like they really put a premium on the fact that. 00:10:52.345 --> 00:10:57.924 I should have been like high or like college educated, like university level. 00:10:58.134 --> 00:10:59.365 I have lots of training. 00:10:59.544 --> 00:11:02.065 I got all kinds of training that I've picked up over the years. 00:11:02.065 --> 00:11:03.054 I still take training. 00:11:03.059 --> 00:11:03.174 Mm-hmm. 00:11:03.315 --> 00:11:08.784 We still do do things like this, like conflict resolution and HR training and yeah, all kinds of counseling. 00:11:08.789 --> 00:11:10.575 Like we've done all kinds of training, but that was never good enough. 00:11:11.274 --> 00:11:11.605 No. 00:11:11.605 --> 00:11:15.024 And, and you have to come to a point within yourself that you don't need their 00:11:15.024 --> 00:11:15.684 affirmation. 00:11:15.690 --> 00:11:23.154 So did, did the decision to, like how to word this, like, because I just didn't care what your parents thought. 00:11:23.304 --> 00:11:30.924 Nope, because they, they made it abundantly apparent early on and more leaning to your mom than your dad necessarily. 00:11:31.284 --> 00:11:36.294 Although the academics was a real thing, but I didn't really care and I think that bothered them. 00:11:36.820 --> 00:11:43.899 That I just wouldn't like drop everything to listen to what they were saying and, and make completely change up in my life and career. 00:11:43.904 --> 00:11:44.320 That's right. 00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:45.100 To do what they chose. 00:11:45.669 --> 00:11:46.059 That's right. 00:11:46.065 --> 00:11:49.059 And it's again, it's not up to them. 00:11:49.330 --> 00:11:49.659 Right. 00:11:50.019 --> 00:11:53.500 There comes a point where your children become adults. 00:11:53.769 --> 00:11:54.159 Right. 00:11:54.220 --> 00:12:01.379 And your input into their life becomes solicited when asked for. 00:12:01.429 --> 00:12:01.779 Right. 00:12:02.080 --> 00:12:02.860 Not just. 00:12:03.789 --> 00:12:06.730 Barfed on them because they're your kids, right? 00:12:06.940 --> 00:12:07.659 So 00:12:07.710 --> 00:12:11.879 right, you get to a certain place where, You just have to make that decision. 00:12:11.879 --> 00:12:25.929 And, and I'm, I, I'm actually surprised now that we've been coaching couples for a while, how often it happens from couples ranging from like young 20 19, 20, 21 years old, all the way up to couples that have meddling parents at 40 years old or 45. 00:12:25.934 --> 00:12:26.789 I'm like, are you, there 00:12:26.950 --> 00:12:27.789 is a better way. 00:12:27.794 --> 00:12:28.429 People Come on. 00:12:28.429 --> 00:12:28.830 There's 00:12:29.019 --> 00:12:29.590 a better way. 00:12:29.590 --> 00:12:30.879 Parents just need to let go. 00:12:30.970 --> 00:12:32.860 Just let it go and just move on. 00:12:33.210 --> 00:12:35.460 Anyway, back to back to what we're talking comparison. 00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:39.299 Our first point that we had, which we've talked about a little bit, is it actually breeds resentment. 00:12:39.299 --> 00:12:47.860 Resentment, and this is a prime example of Oh, like exactly what we were talking about, about overbearing, meddling in-laws, right. 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:49.750 Parents, friends. 00:12:50.455 --> 00:12:51.804 Yeah, you fill in the blanks. 00:12:52.134 --> 00:12:59.125 It does breed resentment because you know, when we've said before in lots of our podcasts that you become who you hang out with, right? 00:12:59.335 --> 00:13:10.654 And so if you are in the company of negative people, of people that talk down your spouse constantly, and after a while those words begin to take root and 00:13:10.654 --> 00:13:12.205 they start being the things that you think and they, and 00:13:12.205 --> 00:13:12.955 my, oh yeah. 00:13:13.014 --> 00:13:14.245 Towards my husband. 00:13:14.575 --> 00:13:18.865 And you begin to see them through that lens and it's totally wrong. 00:13:19.585 --> 00:13:20.455 But it's real. 00:13:20.575 --> 00:13:20.784 Yeah. 00:13:20.965 --> 00:13:21.865 It's a fact. 00:13:22.504 --> 00:13:24.514 Comparison leads to resentment. 00:13:24.514 --> 00:13:27.544 It might not show its ugly face for some time. 00:13:27.544 --> 00:13:27.605 Wow. 00:13:27.634 --> 00:13:31.235 But when it comes out, it's going to be ugly. 00:13:31.235 --> 00:13:39.534 And it did, it was a bone of contention in our, in our marriage of creating an environment where it was just volatile. 00:13:39.955 --> 00:13:40.254 Right. 00:13:40.554 --> 00:13:41.424 Would be the only word. 00:13:41.424 --> 00:13:47.134 And, and, and it was particularly worse the more I was around it. 00:13:47.674 --> 00:13:48.485 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:13:49.054 --> 00:13:49.475 Right. 00:13:49.475 --> 00:13:52.924 And so there was, I didn't trust myself. 00:13:53.345 --> 00:13:54.245 I didn't trust you. 00:13:54.245 --> 00:14:00.634 I didn't, I trusted the input where it was coming from because these are, these are family members. 00:14:00.634 --> 00:14:02.315 Like you're supposed to trust your family. 00:14:02.945 --> 00:14:05.585 And I think that just I dunno how to say it. 00:14:07.054 --> 00:14:17.434 Well, you, you and I think just even as we're just sitting here, just kind of what's coming to me is like, just because they're your family, they still have to earn your trust and keep your trust. 00:14:18.335 --> 00:14:18.725 Right. 00:14:18.815 --> 00:14:25.595 And they still have to earn a place and to whether or not you would listen to them wisdom wise. 00:14:25.595 --> 00:14:25.684 Mm-hmm. 00:14:25.924 --> 00:14:27.965 And they, they don't get it just because they're blood. 00:14:28.865 --> 00:14:29.085 No. 00:14:29.674 --> 00:14:30.034 No. 00:14:30.034 --> 00:14:39.034 And the The, the types of questions that I'd get asked would be, you know, like, who's watching your kids? 00:14:39.455 --> 00:14:42.274 Be like, my husband is watching his children, 00:14:43.264 --> 00:14:44.014 I'm babysitting my own 00:14:44.014 --> 00:14:44.315 kids. 00:14:44.465 --> 00:14:45.845 Well, is he gonna give them a bath? 00:14:45.845 --> 00:14:47.404 Like he should know that they need a bath. 00:14:47.404 --> 00:14:51.625 Is stuff like that that you're like the, the air of. 00:14:52.195 --> 00:14:54.144 My spouse being incompetent. 00:14:54.684 --> 00:15:04.465 And it really bred that inadequacy, like, you know, oh, well, you know, men should take out the garbage and men should deal with like all the car things. 00:15:04.465 --> 00:15:05.815 And then, oh my gosh, I'm looking at you. 00:15:05.815 --> 00:15:07.434 And I'm like, he doesn't take the garbage at, at all. 00:15:08.065 --> 00:15:08.365 Right. 00:15:08.365 --> 00:15:08.424 Yeah. 00:15:08.424 --> 00:15:10.404 And it just, it begins to feed the beast. 00:15:10.544 --> 00:15:11.485 And we have what? 00:15:11.485 --> 00:15:12.715 Blue job and pink jobs in our house. 00:15:13.345 --> 00:15:14.304 We do now. 00:15:14.304 --> 00:15:14.605 Right. 00:15:14.605 --> 00:15:15.445 And there's just jobs. 00:15:15.445 --> 00:15:19.674 I mean, we delegate to our kids and they all have responsibilities and stuff, stuff like that. 00:15:19.674 --> 00:15:20.914 And I mean, who cares? 00:15:20.919 --> 00:15:21.725 I take out the garbage. 00:15:22.095 --> 00:15:33.855 It's not the end of the world, but when, when there's an area of lack and that, you know, in hindsight wasn't area of lack, that there was something in our relationship that I wasn't getting. 00:15:33.860 --> 00:15:34.174 Mm-hmm. 00:15:34.644 --> 00:15:37.205 That It wasn't working in the positive. 00:15:37.534 --> 00:15:40.985 It certainly didn't work in the negative, but you know what I mean? 00:15:40.985 --> 00:15:41.044 Yeah. 00:15:41.225 --> 00:15:51.306 At the beginning when we talked about more like using the words and like beating you down in order to get that, that behavior modification I was not. 00:15:52.325 --> 00:15:52.894 You know, sure. 00:15:52.894 --> 00:15:57.315 I'll try the negative approach and maybe that will like which snap you out of it. 00:15:57.375 --> 00:16:02.534 I think what you said though was, was kind of a key thing is it was modeled to you. 00:16:02.534 --> 00:16:02.835 Mm-hmm. 00:16:03.345 --> 00:16:03.615 Right. 00:16:03.615 --> 00:16:15.105 And so cuz just that negative and you see it in movies, you see it on tv, you see, you read it in articles and this type of thing, like honestly comparison can lead to domestic abuse. 00:16:15.684 --> 00:16:23.980 Because be be whether it's like man to woman, woman to man, At some point someone's gonna snap and it's not gonna be good. 00:16:23.980 --> 00:16:24.039 Yeah. 00:16:24.129 --> 00:16:28.360 And then that's where sin comes in and that's where gossip comes in. 00:16:28.360 --> 00:16:31.059 And possibly stepping out comes in in adultery and pornography. 00:16:31.059 --> 00:16:38.769 And you end up in all these scenarios where you've just allowed this to come in because you thought the only way to communicate with your husband to make him better was to No, no, no. 00:16:38.769 --> 00:16:40.750 The way you're gonna do this is through kind words. 00:16:41.139 --> 00:16:41.259 Yeah. 00:16:41.259 --> 00:16:42.909 It's the way through is through encouragement. 00:16:42.940 --> 00:16:45.759 It's a way through loving, loving them. 00:16:46.164 --> 00:16:49.615 In, in the flaws that they have to move them on, right? 00:16:49.825 --> 00:16:50.605 To help them grow. 00:16:51.174 --> 00:17:00.774 Like if you think of a balloon and every negative word, a little bit of that balloon deflates, right? 00:17:01.105 --> 00:17:04.335 Eventually there's not gonna be any air left in that balloon, right? 00:17:04.515 --> 00:17:13.585 And you come to a point where when you are at the receiving end of the comparison there comes a point in your. 00:17:15.355 --> 00:17:19.315 Marriage in your relationship where you just don't have the energy to fight anymore. 00:17:19.464 --> 00:17:19.795 Right. 00:17:20.904 --> 00:17:27.414 And you just, one will either have the courage to just walk away or two, you'll just take it. 00:17:28.015 --> 00:17:28.255 Yeah. 00:17:28.615 --> 00:17:28.914 Right. 00:17:28.914 --> 00:17:36.295 And so Like we say in all the things, these are points to bring up a discussion, give you tools in your tool belt. 00:17:36.384 --> 00:17:37.884 There is a better way. 00:17:37.884 --> 00:17:37.885 Yeah. 00:17:38.275 --> 00:17:41.394 You just because something was modeled to you doesn't make it right. 00:17:41.400 --> 00:17:42.954 Right, right. 00:17:42.954 --> 00:17:50.325 And for you to come to a place in your own journey to recognize what's healthy and what's not. 00:17:50.329 --> 00:17:50.384 For sure. 00:17:50.505 --> 00:17:53.265 And if it's not healthy it's not too late. 00:17:53.355 --> 00:17:53.444 Yeah. 00:17:54.539 --> 00:17:55.200 That's for sure. 00:17:55.619 --> 00:18:02.609 I think this was originally gonna be one, one podcast, but I think that we'll just do the two points. 00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:03.269 This kind of took a 00:18:03.269 --> 00:18:03.660 different 00:18:03.660 --> 00:18:04.380 turn actually. 00:18:04.380 --> 00:18:04.500 Yeah. 00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.900 It, it kind of, it kind of went a little bit. 00:18:07.109 --> 00:18:07.329 We, 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:09.769 we, we've got a lot of content points. 00:18:09.775 --> 00:18:13.130 Do we have, we have four points and we might, we might just break this up into four. 00:18:14.299 --> 00:18:16.369 No, would, should we try for the next one? 00:18:17.779 --> 00:18:22.400 Like, I, I really, I think that if, if just even in the coaching. 00:18:23.855 --> 00:18:26.585 World or, and like the coaching couples. 00:18:26.585 --> 00:18:40.115 I think that with this comparison thing, the, the issue with comparison is that so often it, it shows up as many different things. 00:18:40.119 --> 00:18:40.204 Mm-hmm. 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:44.894 It shows up as anger, frustration bitterness, lack of communication. 00:18:45.404 --> 00:18:47.265 Anything that you An underhanded insult. 00:18:47.265 --> 00:18:47.684 Un yeah. 00:18:47.684 --> 00:18:48.855 Like, and all of it. 00:18:48.855 --> 00:18:59.384 And, and really it's because you are saying, well, I want Brian to be like, you look at a husband even with one of our friends as someone that we know. 00:18:59.474 --> 00:18:59.565 Mm-hmm. 00:18:59.924 --> 00:19:01.664 And maybe never verbalize it to me. 00:19:01.904 --> 00:19:04.664 But the way you speak will show what's in the heart. 00:19:05.265 --> 00:19:13.664 And you'll say, well, I want Brian to be like Bill for instance, or a husband that you know is doing well, like Greg, one of her friends, we were in Prince George. 00:19:13.664 --> 00:19:15.015 Like, I want Brian to be like Greg. 00:19:15.375 --> 00:19:27.795 Not, not in personality, just I want him to, to be that attentive and to, and the, the thing is, is that that frustration shows up in so many different things that you may actually miss the fact that you've actually been comparing your husband to someone else. 00:19:27.914 --> 00:19:31.095 But the comments you've been saying are actually comments of comparison. 00:19:31.335 --> 00:19:31.755 Right. 00:19:32.130 --> 00:19:32.490 No. 00:19:32.490 --> 00:19:45.750 And actually you brought up a good point cuz we had mentioned earlier, like you become who you hang out with and, and Greg was instrumental in your life because this Bryant, my husband had lots of. 00:19:46.515 --> 00:19:56.835 Anger issues like father wounds, explosive and things like that was not, he was kind of a bull in a China shop and sometimes he can still be like that, but it's much temp, more tempered now. 00:19:57.375 --> 00:20:03.585 But Greg was, was that steady Eddie Levelheaded, calm this guy. 00:20:04.105 --> 00:20:07.535 Soft-spoken but not a pushover. 00:20:07.539 --> 00:20:08.224 No, not at all. 00:20:08.224 --> 00:20:08.505 Patient. 00:20:08.704 --> 00:20:15.305 He had the patience of job and he was instrumental in modeling to you. 00:20:16.654 --> 00:20:17.134 Healthy 00:20:17.134 --> 00:20:17.795 manhood. 00:20:17.884 --> 00:20:22.775 Well, and also just being sometimes really blunt with me and just being like, Brian, no. 00:20:22.984 --> 00:20:23.884 Exactly right. 00:20:23.884 --> 00:20:32.825 And so yes, I mean you, it's modeled to you just as the negative can be modeled to you or unhealthy patterns can be modeled, so can healthy ones. 00:20:32.884 --> 00:20:33.184 Right? 00:20:33.190 --> 00:20:33.335 Right. 00:20:33.355 --> 00:20:40.015 And so Greg modeled healthy right behaviors and healthy ways to speak to. 00:20:40.950 --> 00:20:47.230 Your wife and to speak to just people in general, like relationship wise. 00:20:47.289 --> 00:20:48.789 He was just really instrumental. 00:20:48.789 --> 00:20:53.170 So, and that's, and that's why we so often talk about accountability and mentorship. 00:20:53.500 --> 00:21:00.640 It's important, it's super important that men and women in their relationship have people that they can just go to and just lay it all down, 00:21:00.730 --> 00:21:01.089 right? 00:21:01.089 --> 00:21:02.740 And go to, and we say this. 00:21:03.595 --> 00:21:06.085 Carefully not go to, to, to complain. 00:21:06.085 --> 00:21:09.744 Talk about how crapy hundred percent your spouse is, that's not helpful. 00:21:09.924 --> 00:21:13.519 If you wanna talk about, you know go talk to a therapist, right? 00:21:13.525 --> 00:21:15.980 Or they're gonna have some solutions, right? 00:21:16.009 --> 00:21:30.380 Not necessarily your friends, because, you know, as much as we like to say that we're non-biased, you know, if my girlfriend comes to me and is like this, that, and this, that about her husband, naturally speaking, my first thought. 00:21:30.994 --> 00:21:33.275 Is like, how dare he? 00:21:33.335 --> 00:21:33.724 Right? 00:21:33.724 --> 00:21:33.785 Yeah. 00:21:33.785 --> 00:21:38.255 And then afterwards, you know, I have to catch myself because there's always two sides, right? 00:21:38.255 --> 00:21:38.345 Mm-hmm. 00:21:38.585 --> 00:21:47.454 So you just want to have people that aren't afraid to call you out in the areas that you are also not being healthy in 00:21:47.795 --> 00:21:48.365 a hundred percent. 00:21:49.204 --> 00:21:59.795 And that's, that's the like, and that's why it's so important, like, Defined and because hate we're Christians, I'm a pastor. 00:22:00.065 --> 00:22:05.345 Faith and community have been so important to our walk of success in our relationship. 00:22:05.434 --> 00:22:06.154 Super important. 00:22:06.154 --> 00:22:09.555 And with our, and in a lot of ways have been closer than family. 00:22:09.559 --> 00:22:09.724 Yeah. 00:22:09.855 --> 00:22:10.204 Right. 00:22:10.204 --> 00:22:10.484 They 00:22:10.484 --> 00:22:10.924 are my family. 00:22:11.265 --> 00:22:11.535