Bryan: Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.
We are onto part two of our comparison.
Episodes.
First one was a doozy.
We had fully intended to go on to something big and move on to
a few points.
We got just hooked onto one and we had some really great
conversation.
You wanna go back and listen to that, but we're excited that
you're here for this one.
Let's take a listen.
Natalie: ---Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
And I'm Brian.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say
this every time.
Grab a snack, grab a coffee, sit on the couch, grab a blanket.
We're so excited that you joined us for our chat today.
Bryan: As I said before, we are onto the second part of our
comparison podcast, and boy was the first one a good one.
Natalie: Mm-hmm.
Kind of took an unexpected, lengthy turn right.
Yeah, I mean, we've got our guidelines of kind of where we
wanna talk or what we wanna talk about, and it kind of just took
legs of its own, which was a really good thing
Bryan: actually.
Yeah.
And if it was one of those we felt that we just kinda need to
press into that.
Mm-hmm.
Because there's a lot of that kind of comparison where people
are comparing their relationships to other people's
relationships or comparing their husbands or their wives to other
husbands and wives that's really causing problems inside of
relationships.
Mm-hmm.
And so that was a really.
It was a really good one and we're really looking forward to
having a, a chat about this one.
Mm-hmm.
Natalie: So have you missed last time comparison creates
resentment was that one.
So if you missed it, go take a listen.
Today we're talking about comparison creates unrealistic
expectations.
Bryan: Oh, it didn't work.
So there's something you.
That's so powerful about people that actually compare to others
that that's actually it.
It seems like it just, it hooks into you.
It grabs onto you, and this becomes part of who you are.
You know what I mean?
Like that.
That's part of, I don't know, like even when we were talking
about it.
Yes.
The last episode, how long it was for you and how often and
how long you were comparing and how it became.
Just not by any fault of your own, like I'm gonna compare him
to everyone.
Just be like, that's just part of what you did, part of your
everyday walk, everyday behaving with me as your husband.
Natalie: Yes.
And there's, I, I would say that it's kind of a sneaky one.
It's not so, I mean, something's obvious, like are more in your
face as far as comparison goes.
And other stuff was sort of like subtle.
Things I'd kind of jab at you with, if that makes sense.
Yeah.
And again it stems from a level of discontentment,
Bryan: right?
And it, I mean, even like, I, I like this dex this next one, it
creates unrealistic, unrealistic expectations even.
Even if the, the, the expectations say you're
comparing me to Bill, I always do Bill or Samantha.
This is how I, even, even when I do, when I preach, whenever I
use someone, it's always Bill or Samantha.
So say you're comparing me to Bill and what Bill is doing
isn't unrealistic, but it's not me.
Natalie: And that's right.
Right.
It's essentially setting your partner, your spouse up to fail
because it's some level.
Of satisfaction that you've kind of conjured up in your head.
It's kind of like we all view Instagram as, like everyone just
shows the highlight reels on Instagram.
Yeah.
No one really shows real life and when they do,
Bryan: and maybe there are some who do.
No.
And when they do, it's still
Natalie: contrived.
Right?
It's still planned out.
It's still, you know, photoshopped.
It's still filtered.
Comparison is like that, where you're kind of paying attention
to the highlight reel of someone else's life.
Ooh, that's good.
And you're short changing what you currently have with your
spouse.
And I said the last episode, if you don't like what you are
reaping, you need to change what you're sowing.
Right?
So, and this thus, the cycle of unrealistic expectations just
continues.
To feed itself if you are constantly looking elsewhere for
the satisfaction versus cultivating and working hard,
like relationships are hard.
Marriage is hard.
Yeah.
You need to there's, you're not gonna get the relationship that
you want if you don't put any work in.
Right.
And you can't just have it handed to you on a silver
platter or have it, you know watching a show or watching
someone else's marriage in the spotlight.
That's not how, it's not realistic.
Well, and then
Bryan: even trying to, to force, essentially when you're
comparing your husband or your spouse to someone else, you're
trying to force them to be like that other person.
That's right.
And saying that, well, what, who you are isn't good enough, which
is not good for the self-image, really not good for your, your
self-worth or your value if you, you're trying to compare me to
someone else, but also you're trying to force him to be
someone else, and so you're not gonna be able to reach the
expectations because you're, I thought you said that the
comparison is like watching Instagram.
If I compare, you compare me to Bill all the time.
You're only seeing the highlight reels and we spend time with
Bill and Sam and
Natalie: chances are Bill is, Kind of a crummy person.
Well, maybe,
Bryan: maybe, maybe
Natalie: and maybe not.
And even then if, and it's not to say that you can't admire
someone else's relationship and, and say, you know what, like,
we're gonna strive to.
Bryan: Be good communication.
Be good com, good
Natalie: affection, date.
We're not saying that that's wrong, but when you are like, I
would rather trade you out in, in, in not so many words.
Yeah.
For someone else, right.
Or hold you to a standard that someone else, you know.
Posted about or someone else in front of people.
Yeah.
Made it seem like their relationship was super awesome
when behind closed doors.
It probably isn't.
Right.
Or it's not as awesome as you've made it up in your mind.
Bryan: Well,
Natalie: yeah.
Right, right.
Like people have said to us, they're like, oh, hashtag
marriage goals.
And we're like, what are you saying?
And they were like, oh, you know when, when cuz we're coming up
on 22 years married.
Like, wow, that's.
I just want your relationship.
And I'm like, no you don't.
And they just kind of looked at me and I said, do you realize
the journey that it's, that that has taken place to get us to
this place?
Right?
Like, you watch what you wish for because you, you, you see
what we put out.
You see in one way, sort of like not the highlight reels, cuz
we're fairly honest about our, the crummy things that we've had
to walk through.
But that's a snippet.
Of the journey.
Right?
Right.
And so I think it's, it's the highlight reel.
It's like pull out, you know, if you think that we're great
communicators or you think that well you know my husband is
generous or whatever, then glean that and, and try to cultivate
those characteristics within your own marriage.
Bryan: Right.
Well, and.
Even as an, as an example of that the expectations, I was
gonna go somewhere and I think I just, I wanna save that for a
little bit later.
But you remember the, the very first episode we ever did.
Back like three years ago was, it's still in our top five most
downloaded episodes, and the thing about expectations are is
there's a, a few things that need to be a part of those
expectations.
Do you remember those, those four things?
Not off the top of my head.
No.
I don't either is I went and actually looked it up and it,
this is what we communicated, and this has actually helped our
marriage a lot, is that.
If you want to have realistic, realistic expectations about
your spouse, so you're not comparing them to other people,
because bill's highlight reel is gonna be different than your
highlight reel is that there's four things.
It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed upon.
Oh, right, right, right, right.
Yes.
And we actually have used those four points to, to coach couples
that just had, like I remember along in one of our.
Because, because comparison turns things into something that
it doesn't need to be.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
It turns, it turns your relationship into you want
something, one else's relationship.
It turns into, into something.
It can't be because you're not communicating what you're
feeling to your, your.
Partner.
You're not communicating the full story.
You're not communicating your full feelings.
And then what ends up happening, instead of actually
communicating more, you communicate less.
Yeah.
And when you are communicating it's negative communication
about you comparing me to Bill and so then I'm being
communicated with, but it's not good communication.
No.
And you're actually putting a block into the relationship.
Not.
And not stepping into, and then we have to actually break apart
the negative communication.
Yeah.
Negative comparison into the positive communication, into
moving into something different.
And that's a really hard place to start with.
Right.
And
Natalie: you have to ask yourself.
Do I, is my lifelong goal in my relationship to wake up
disappointed every single day?
Right?
Is it my lifelong goal to wake up frustrated every single day?
If you have unmet expectations that are not articulated, they
are not known to your spouse, they are not achievable, and
what was the fourth?
Bryan: It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed
Natalie: upon and agreed upon, then you are setting yourself up
for a.
A world of disappointment, of frustration.
Well, and do you remember
Bryan: early on, and I now, now, after hearing the story about
how much you compared me to other people or Orange County
Housewives of Orange County husbands?
Mm-hmm.
I remember that.
Now that I think back about that was the, you comparing me to
them and not being, not even communicating.
You remember when we had, you talked to me about I had.
You had expectations of me, but you'd never told me.
You just assumed that I knew.
That's right.
And so would it have been harder in those moments to communicate
Well, he should just know that I need him to take the garbage
out.
He should just know that this has to be done to this time.
He should just know because you're comparing me to other
people.
It was like another layer of miscommunication.
Of like misfiring.
Oh, a hundred
Natalie: percent.
And my justification was you have eyes in your head.
Can you not see that the garbage bin is full?
Right?
Oh, that was my justification.
Right?
And instead of just saying, Hey babe, could you please take out
the garbage?
I just sat there.
Probably glaring at you waiting for you to grab a clue, right?
And it wasn't, I mean that was the un the unrealistic
expectation, but it was just, it stemmed from conversations with
other people of like, well, this is what your husband should be
doing.
Right?
There we go, as man of the house.
Right?
He should be taking care of vehicle things.
He should be putting gas in the car, he should be doing lawn
maintenance.
Cuz these are the things that husbands do,
Bryan: isn't.
Isn't that kind of conversation a bit of a slippery slope
though?
Natalie: A hundred percent.
Cuz I don't mind taking out the garbage and I like lawn
Bryan: work.
Yes.
That was one way.
And I, I like where you took that.
That's not what I was thinking.
Oh.
Because sometimes we have to have conversations with couples
and I will have conversations one-on-one with the man.
And because he, especially if they're, they've been married
just for a few years, there's oftentimes a, a miss in
communication and maybe the wife is comparing the husband, Hey,
my dad used to do all these things.
Why aren't you?
Which was actually something that happened with us, like, dad
did this, blah, blah, blah.
The slippery slope, I mean, isn't a slippery slope in that
conversation.
That one-on-one I have to have to say to him, and, hey, you're
not, you're not fulfilling your duties as a husband.
Your responsibility is to take care of your wife.
And the modern date.
Look after your, like, help her look after the home.
You guys, you know, do your chores, do your things.
Take care of her.
Help out how you need to, when you need to.
All of those types of things.
The slippery slipping me is like not pointing the finger and
saying, you're not being the man of the house.
I'm like, no, no, no.
If you're sitting around on your couch playing video games from
the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed and you're
doing that six months in a row and your wife is upset and
wondering why you're not doing anything, that's when someone
needs to come in and says, Hey, you need to like man up and get
in there and be the man of the house.
Natalie: Right?
And I think that there's an,
Bryan: that's what I mean by slip your slip.
Does
Natalie: that make sense?
Yep.
And there's, and it goes both ways because there are lots of
men that are on top of.
Everything.
Everything, right?
And I'm one of those guys right now.
You are what
Bryan: I was expecting a use for my sound effect, the rim shot,
and you just didn't give me anything.
I'm really upset about that.
Just for those of you who get to hear
Natalie: it, oh, dear.
It's one of those things that it's not, there's not a
specific, it's not gender.
Right.
Like the man's supposed to do this and the woman's Right,
right, right.
Supposed to be in the kitchen.
No.
You found a love of cooking and you cook and I love that.
And I don't like when you clean the bathroom.
So I clean the bathrooms and we delegate to our kids.
Right?
So you need to find sort of a system that works for your
marriage and you need to communicate.
If it's communicating different chores and things like that,
then you need to do that.
But you can't look at someone else's tidy house, let's just
say, and look at, you know, your wife or your husband and be
like, mm-hmm.
Right.
Because for all you know they have a cleaner that comes in.
Three times a week.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And, and it's those hidden things, like you don't, you're
not living that life.
And so from the outside, it looks like, my gosh, like they
have all the time in the world to do whatever, whatever.
And then you just, it causes unnecessary tension and stress
in your relationship if you're going to be constantly doing
that.
Right.
Bryan: And.
Yeah, like, I think even just a, like an encouragement to young
couples, if anyone's gonna listen to this, is communicate
your expectations and your expectations need to be
something that that person that you're with can do.
That's right.
Right.
Like if Natalie had the expectation that I'm gonna be
some kind of amazing car mechanic.
Because Bill mm-hmm.
Is an amazing car mechanic.
Well, why can't you save us a thousand dollars and fix the
car?
Yep.
Well, if I try and save you a thousand dollars and try and fix
the car, I'm gonna have to pay $2,000 to get someone to fix it
after I try to do it.
I guess it's not me.
That's right.
But then Bill may not be able to do like drywall and mudding and
taping, but I can Right.
Like there's, there's, there's skillsets, there's things that
we can all do.
And that's, that's where we we're like man and woman, when
you're in a relationship, yeah.
You're doing this.
We're equal.
We're just different roles.
We just do different things.
That's like, Natalie likes yard work.
I don't mind yard work and I'll do it, but Natalie likes yard
work.
She'll, so she'll do it.
But we know other people whose wives won't touch the yard work.
Natalie: That's right.
And that's what works for them.
Yeah.
Right.
Can we just talk about.
Media and movies.
Cause I feel like this is kind of, for me, what stemmed this
unrealistic expectation of marriage was these romcoms, oh,
they're terrible.
And how they kind of depict this perfect, nothing goes wrong
relationship.
Of, you know, a hi, like dotting on each other and servanthood
and all of this and all of that.
And you know, constantly having sex and all of these things and
things like that.
And it's just not realistic.
And I remember before getting married, it was kind of like
this glass slipper.
Fog, right?
Cinderella and the Glass slipper and the man and the Knight and
Shining Armor and Prince Charming and all of that.
And we have all of these, you know, in and of it themselves
are not bad.
But what happens is these are fictitious characters that then
you try to translate into real world.
And are incredibly frustrated and disappointed when you're
like, gosh, if, if I'm basing what a relationship should look
like off of that, right, I'm going to, I'm going to be a
mess.
Well, and I, and I think that was part of the problem, was why
can't it be like that?
Why can't you just be like that when we were first married?
Bryan: Right.
Well, and e even if you.
Look at the romantic comedies and so say one of them would
have say, an issue of some kind, like mild drug issue or
struggled with pornography or like to go to strip clubs.
Instead of it actually being something that, Hey, we need to
deal with this.
It was always made fun of.
Or or celebrated.
Or celebrated the fact that they would do these things and that
that's normal in the relationship or, and they would
never, it was always like comedy, like, we're gonna, we're
gonna make light of this instead of just like, Hey, this makes
your wife insecure.
When, when you're dating and married, you're going to strip
clubs on a regular basis a hundred percent.
And they would just like make light of it.
And that would be that That's okay.
Like,
Natalie: no.
Right?
Cuz whether you wanna admit it or not, you are comparing your
spouse that is at home or you're.
Partner that is at home to these unrealistic bodies.
Let's just right.
Call it what it is.
Right.
And, and the same thing, you know, when you have multiple
partners.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
And then you find the one you're gonna have that to deal with.
You are going to have that, you know, because we're visual
people.
And so those memories and those images are imprinted.
Those moments, those intimate moments are imprinted in your
brain.
Right.
And the, and it's really hard to separate that and not think
about, not allow yourself to go there when you're being intimate
with your spouse.
Right.
So you need to deal with
Bryan: that.
And all of those things are, are, again, that's, that's the,
the dangers of comparing because of decisions you make even
before you get married.
Right,
Natalie: right.
And I think we can't talk about unrealistic expectations as far
as comparison goes and not.
Not talk about that.
Right.
Right, because, and you know, I would caution like.
Watch what you watch, watch what you
Bryan: read.
And again, even, even our romantic comedies that we watch,
even now, that part, like that part is really hard.
Like we have coached couples that have said, very
specifically said I had was with multiple partners before I got
married.
That's right.
We've been married for three years and our sex life struggles
because we both, they both had, were promiscuous before they
cleaned up and they got their life together.
They both.
Were struggling in the area of, in, of intimacy because they
were so easily visualizing other men or other women That's, that
they had been with That's right.
In their relationship.
And now it's hurting your marriage.
That's right.
You're short, you're, you're comparing your, you're comparing
your spouse to something that happened 10 years ago.
That's right.
More than like over and over.
That's right.
Right.
And that's that's also the dangers of, of living that
lifestyle.
It's also the dangers of pornography Yes.
Is that you, you see all, like for men, you see all those
boobs, you're going to, you're going to look and you're gonna
compare that to your wife.
That's right.
Right.
And that's, that's unfair.
Natalie: And it, it's incredibly degrading.
Right, right.
So as a woman that.
That would be horrible to be compared to a supermodel who,
you know, has never had kids or honestly, like, works really
hard to attain a.
Her physique and things like that.
And not everyone's created like that.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
And I think that, you know, you know what you married, you know,
what you sort of signed up for, right?
Yeah.
And, you know, babies change things and if you're one of
those people that, that, you know has really good genetics as
far as your physique goes, that's awesome.
Good for you.
But the majority of the population doesn't have that.
And so, You letting your mind go to those places and allowing
that to determine the happiness or the fulfillment that you have
in your relationship.
I think you're gonna be really sad, right?
It's, there is no win-win
Bryan: because you like, and it's not, it's not even that.
Let let, I'm gonna say it like this.
It's not even that in the relationship.
You don't love the person that you're with.
No.
You genuinely love the person that you're with.
But if you have your mind filled up with all kinds of things,
other things before you get married, it's gonna follow you
until you deal with it when you do get married.
That's right.
There's consequences for your actions.
A hundred
Natalie: percent.
And this isn't just for those who aren't married yet.
This is something we have to watch while married.
Yeah.
Right, right.
Because it's, it's not, you know, oh well we've made it past
10 years.
So we're like, oh, thank God.
No.
You might have made it past a statistic.
But this still will creep its ugly face.
All throughout your relationship, right?
It's one of those sneaky things, right?
Where all of a sudden you allow a door to open, however that
comes, and then you begin to look at your partner
differently, right?
And you begin to almost covet what someone else has because
Bryan: your wife doesn't have it or your spouse doesn't have
Natalie: it.
That's right.
And it keeps you your focus off of what really matters, and
that's the person that you're with right on it.
And it has an unhealthy.
Obsession Right.
Over what isn't yours and what's not ever going to be yours.
Yeah.
Bryan: And, and, and overall, again, back and all of this
leads back to the very first thing that we said is Syd, this
actually creates unrealistic expectations in your
relationship.
Natalie: A hundred percent.
And and it, this was in your control.
Here's the thing.
Yeah.
You control what thoughts you allow.
You control your actions.
You control what you watch, what you see, what you do read that
is in your control, what you read.
Yeah.
You know where your gaze goes.
What what, what am I thinking of here?
What input from other people you're allowing in.
Yep.
That's in your control.
And that all matters.
Right?
And so you have a choice.
Yep.
Right.
There's a better way.
Yeah.
Right.
Grass is greener On the other side is an indicator that you
probably need to water your own grass,
Bryan: right?
And it, it's so easy right now in the current world that we
live in, to not fight for your relationship.
Then just to let it go.
Be like, I'm not happy with how this is going.
You don't look the way I want you to look.
You don't behave the way I want you to behave.
You don't act the way I want you to act.
You're not who I married.
I've heard that one before.
No.
Yeah, right.
Of course she's not who you married or he's not who you
married.
They're, you've been together for five years.
People grow and
Natalie: mature and change, and you would hope.
They wouldn't be the same.
Yeah.
You
Bryan: don't wanna marry someone at 20 years old who's a partyer
and you're party, you're with her, and then you grew up into,
Hey, I'm gonna go to work every day and raise my kids, and that
person's still partying.
Right?
Like, just like you want to mature your girl.
What I mean though is that right now marriage is in such a, it's
being attacked constantly.
Natalie: Well, and it's just, you know, I'm just trying you
on.
And if I don't like it, it that's okay of, oh, this is not
gonna work out anyway, so I'm gonna like glean what I don't
want or glean what I do want for the second one.
Yeah.
Right.
And that's just a lot of work.
It a hundred percent is a lot of work.
Right?
Right.
And so if you wanna put that much effort into the first
relationship being a throwaway, how about like what could happen
if you actually put that amount of effort in that relationship?
Bryan: Right.
Wow.
I think my final thought and thought I had for everyone today
is just one, go back and listen to our very first episode we
ever did, and my final thought was, is.
Like work your way out of comparing your spouse to other
people.
A hundred percent.
And I think that eventually in this series we're probably, we
are gonna get to a place, we're gonna talk about how we can
actually break through those barriers and how to stop
comparing your spouse to other people.
We'll give you some practical steps right now.
We just wanna go through some of the issues and that's really
good.
Any final thoughts from you?
Natalie: No.
Well, Here's the thing, right?
We want, everyone wants to be fully known and fully loved,
right?
Absolutely.
And so creating an environment with your significant other
where the, there's trust.
Yep.
Where there is honor mm-hmm.
And where there is integrity mm-hmm.
And it's not insecure.
Right?
Right.
Like my goal with you is to make sure that you don't have to
second guess anything that I'm doing.
Right.
And, and
Bryan: vice versa.
Right.
Natalie: And so we, that's important to us.
That is something that we've established as, as sort of a
rule of thumb or a boundary in our relationship of you will
know what I'm, what I'm up to, so that you don't feel insecure.
And so that I don't sort of put you in a place of just
wondering.
Right?
Bryan: Absolutely.
Wow.
We, I love these.
This is gonna be set.
This is a great series, what we're into and really looking
forward to completing this and seeing if you have any questions
or anything like that.
Just let us know.
It really, if you love this podcast, like we love making it
and you really.
It means a lot to us.
When you share it, when you like it, when you pass it on to other
people, let'em know.
This is all about helping people.
Mm-hmm.
Equipping people, giving you more options.
You can find this on Facebook and Instagram, and again, we say
this all the time, if there's a topic or a question or even
something.
Think in the last episode we said if you have a testimony of
breaking away from comparison or have something you wanna share,
send it to us.
We'll open it and we'll read it onto the the podcast.
Mm-hmm.
Keeping your name anonymous if that's what you want.
But we'd love to hear from each and every one of you as much as
we can.
If you have any questions, this email@amplifiedmarriagedot.com,
amplified marriage gmail.com.
I can speak English.
And as you have heard us say many times, we believe that your
marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and
Natalie: restored.
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you soon.