WEBVTT 00:00:14.609 --> 00:00:16.640 Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast. 00:00:17.070 --> 00:00:21.960 We are onto part two of our comparison. 00:00:23.100 --> 00:00:23.940 Episodes. 00:00:24.269 --> 00:00:25.649 First one was a doozy. 00:00:26.280 --> 00:00:30.570 We had fully intended to go on to something big and move on to a few points. 00:00:30.570 --> 00:00:33.929 We got just hooked onto one and we had some really great conversation. 00:00:33.929 --> 00:00:36.689 You wanna go back and listen to that, but we're excited that you're here for this one. 00:00:37.289 --> 00:00:38.070 Let's take a listen. 00:00:53.045 --> 00:00:55.265 ---Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. 00:00:55.265 --> 00:00:55.804 I'm Natalie. 00:00:55.804 --> 00:00:56.615 And I'm Brian. 00:00:56.615 --> 00:00:59.674 Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you hear us say this every time. 00:00:59.674 --> 00:01:03.244 Grab a snack, grab a coffee, sit on the couch, grab a blanket. 00:01:03.484 --> 00:01:05.495 We're so excited that you joined us for our chat today. 00:01:06.094 --> 00:01:14.224 As I said before, we are onto the second part of our comparison podcast, and boy was the first one a good one. 00:01:14.465 --> 00:01:14.584 Mm-hmm. 00:01:14.825 --> 00:01:19.715 Kind of took an unexpected, lengthy turn right. 00:01:20.504 --> 00:01:27.674 Yeah, I mean, we've got our guidelines of kind of where we wanna talk or what we wanna talk about, and it kind of just took legs of its own, which was a really good thing 00:01:27.674 --> 00:01:28.125 actually. 00:01:28.215 --> 00:01:28.605 Yeah. 00:01:28.605 --> 00:01:31.515 And if it was one of those we felt that we just kinda need to press into that. 00:01:31.519 --> 00:01:31.584 Mm-hmm. 00:01:31.665 --> 00:01:43.525 Because there's a lot of that kind of comparison where people are comparing their relationships to other people's relationships or comparing their husbands or their wives to other husbands and wives that's really causing problems inside of relationships. 00:01:43.525 --> 00:01:43.614 Mm-hmm. 00:01:43.855 --> 00:01:44.795 And so that was a really. 00:01:45.954 --> 00:01:50.424 It was a really good one and we're really looking forward to having a, a chat about this one. 00:01:50.495 --> 00:01:50.650 Mm-hmm. 00:01:51.269 --> 00:01:57.599 So have you missed last time comparison creates resentment was that one. 00:01:57.599 --> 00:01:58.920 So if you missed it, go take a listen. 00:01:58.920 --> 00:02:02.909 Today we're talking about comparison creates unrealistic expectations. 00:02:07.379 --> 00:02:08.129 Oh, it didn't work. 00:02:09.930 --> 00:02:12.659 So there's something you. 00:02:15.194 --> 00:02:22.175 That's so powerful about people that actually compare to others that that's actually it. 00:02:22.180 --> 00:02:24.014 It seems like it just, it hooks into you. 00:02:24.020 --> 00:02:26.775 It grabs onto you, and this becomes part of who you are. 00:02:27.465 --> 00:02:27.944 You know what I mean? 00:02:27.944 --> 00:02:28.335 Like that. 00:02:28.335 --> 00:02:32.235 That's part of, I don't know, like even when we were talking about it. 00:02:32.414 --> 00:02:32.775 Yes. 00:02:32.805 --> 00:02:38.955 The last episode, how long it was for you and how often and how long you were comparing and how it became. 00:02:39.419 --> 00:02:42.780 Just not by any fault of your own, like I'm gonna compare him to everyone. 00:02:42.780 --> 00:02:48.900 Just be like, that's just part of what you did, part of your everyday walk, everyday behaving with me as your husband. 00:02:49.349 --> 00:02:49.919 Yes. 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:55.080 And there's, I, I would say that it's kind of a sneaky one. 00:02:55.919 --> 00:03:04.379 It's not so, I mean, something's obvious, like are more in your face as far as comparison goes. 00:03:04.384 --> 00:03:06.150 And other stuff was sort of like subtle. 00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:11.550 Things I'd kind of jab at you with, if that makes sense. 00:03:11.580 --> 00:03:12.030 Yeah. 00:03:12.030 --> 00:03:12.031 Yeah. 00:03:12.689 --> 00:03:16.680 And again it stems from a level of discontentment, 00:03:17.219 --> 00:03:17.580 right? 00:03:18.270 --> 00:03:26.530 And it, I mean, even like, I, I like this dex this next one, it creates unrealistic, unrealistic expectations even. 00:03:28.169 --> 00:03:33.375 Even if the, the, the expectations say you're comparing me to Bill, I always do Bill or Samantha. 00:03:33.435 --> 00:03:37.844 This is how I, even, even when I do, when I preach, whenever I use someone, it's always Bill or Samantha. 00:03:37.844 --> 00:03:45.525 So say you're comparing me to Bill and what Bill is doing isn't unrealistic, but it's not me. 00:03:46.025 --> 00:03:47.294 And that's right. 00:03:47.300 --> 00:03:47.365 Right. 00:03:47.564 --> 00:03:54.805 It's essentially setting your partner, your spouse up to fail because it's some level. 00:03:55.974 --> 00:03:58.495 Of satisfaction that you've kind of conjured up in your head. 00:03:58.495 --> 00:04:04.194 It's kind of like we all view Instagram as, like everyone just shows the highlight reels on Instagram. 00:04:04.194 --> 00:04:04.254 Yeah. 00:04:04.259 --> 00:04:08.185 No one really shows real life and when they do, 00:04:08.365 --> 00:04:09.574 and maybe there are some who do. 00:04:09.574 --> 00:04:09.775 No. 00:04:09.775 --> 00:04:10.794 And when they do, it's still 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:11.425 contrived. 00:04:11.485 --> 00:04:11.814 Right? 00:04:11.814 --> 00:04:12.596 It's still planned out. 00:04:12.895 --> 00:04:14.574 It's still, you know, photoshopped. 00:04:14.604 --> 00:04:16.074 It's still filtered. 00:04:16.939 --> 00:04:24.194 Comparison is like that, where you're kind of paying attention to the highlight reel of someone else's life. 00:04:24.615 --> 00:04:25.185 Ooh, that's good. 00:04:25.285 --> 00:04:29.004 And you're short changing what you currently have with your spouse. 00:04:29.004 --> 00:04:34.274 And I said the last episode, if you don't like what you are reaping, you need to change what you're sowing. 00:04:35.064 --> 00:04:35.334 Right? 00:04:35.485 --> 00:04:42.334 So, and this thus, the cycle of unrealistic expectations just continues. 00:04:42.845 --> 00:04:54.634 To feed itself if you are constantly looking elsewhere for the satisfaction versus cultivating and working hard, like relationships are hard. 00:04:54.634 --> 00:04:55.355 Marriage is hard. 00:04:55.355 --> 00:04:55.415 Yeah. 00:04:55.415 --> 00:05:02.704 You need to there's, you're not gonna get the relationship that you want if you don't put any work in. 00:05:03.214 --> 00:05:03.574 Right. 00:05:03.725 --> 00:05:14.235 And you can't just have it handed to you on a silver platter or have it, you know watching a show or watching someone else's marriage in the spotlight. 00:05:14.805 --> 00:05:16.485 That's not how, it's not realistic. 00:05:16.574 --> 00:05:17.144 Well, and then 00:05:17.475 --> 00:05:25.004 even trying to, to force, essentially when you're comparing your husband or your spouse to someone else, you're trying to force them to be like that other person. 00:05:25.529 --> 00:05:26.040 That's right. 00:05:26.069 --> 00:05:44.519 And saying that, well, what, who you are isn't good enough, which is not good for the self-image, really not good for your, your self-worth or your value if you, you're trying to compare me to someone else, but also you're trying to force him to be someone else, and so you're not gonna be able to reach the expectations because you're, I thought you said that the comparison is like watching Instagram. 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:47.069 If I compare, you compare me to Bill all the time. 00:05:47.069 --> 00:05:50.970 You're only seeing the highlight reels and we spend time with Bill and Sam and 00:05:51.180 --> 00:05:55.230 chances are Bill is, Kind of a crummy person. 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:57.329 Well, maybe, 00:05:57.449 --> 00:05:58.319 maybe, maybe 00:05:58.470 --> 00:05:59.250 and maybe not. 00:05:59.250 --> 00:06:09.209 And even then if, and it's not to say that you can't admire someone else's relationship and, and say, you know what, like, we're gonna strive to. 00:06:10.535 --> 00:06:11.475 Be good communication. 00:06:11.654 --> 00:06:12.314 Be good com, good 00:06:12.504 --> 00:06:13.394 affection, date. 00:06:13.435 --> 00:06:20.875 We're not saying that that's wrong, but when you are like, I would rather trade you out in, in, in not so many words. 00:06:20.935 --> 00:06:21.175 Yeah. 00:06:21.415 --> 00:06:22.704 For someone else, right. 00:06:22.704 --> 00:06:25.586 Or hold you to a standard that someone else, you know. 00:06:26.305 --> 00:06:29.425 Posted about or someone else in front of people. 00:06:29.574 --> 00:06:29.814 Yeah. 00:06:30.175 --> 00:06:33.295 Made it seem like their relationship was super awesome when behind closed doors. 00:06:33.295 --> 00:06:34.285 It probably isn't. 00:06:34.495 --> 00:06:34.845 Right. 00:06:35.064 --> 00:06:35.365 Right. 00:06:35.370 --> 00:06:37.644 Or it's not as awesome as you've made it up in your mind. 00:06:38.185 --> 00:06:38.665 Well, 00:06:39.444 --> 00:06:39.714 yeah. 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:40.584 Right, right. 00:06:40.584 --> 00:06:43.855 Like people have said to us, they're like, oh, hashtag marriage goals. 00:06:44.154 --> 00:06:46.644 And we're like, what are you saying? 00:06:47.574 --> 00:06:51.814 And they were like, oh, you know when, when cuz we're coming up on 22 years married. 00:06:52.714 --> 00:06:53.855 Like, wow, that's. 00:06:54.529 --> 00:06:55.699 I just want your relationship. 00:06:55.699 --> 00:06:57.290 And I'm like, no you don't. 00:06:57.769 --> 00:07:04.759 And they just kind of looked at me and I said, do you realize the journey that it's, that that has taken place to get us to this place? 00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:04.970 Right? 00:07:05.300 --> 00:07:10.069 Like, you watch what you wish for because you, you, you see what we put out. 00:07:10.339 --> 00:07:18.709 You see in one way, sort of like not the highlight reels, cuz we're fairly honest about our, the crummy things that we've had to walk through. 00:07:18.709 --> 00:07:21.740 But that's a snippet. 00:07:23.569 --> 00:07:24.980 Of the journey. 00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:25.430 Right? 00:07:25.730 --> 00:07:26.060 Right. 00:07:26.060 --> 00:07:27.920 And so I think it's, it's the highlight reel. 00:07:28.009 --> 00:07:42.920 It's like pull out, you know, if you think that we're great communicators or you think that well you know my husband is generous or whatever, then glean that and, and try to cultivate those characteristics within your own marriage. 00:07:42.980 --> 00:07:43.220 Right. 00:07:43.910 --> 00:07:44.310 Well, and. 00:07:45.394 --> 00:07:56.105 Even as an, as an example of that the expectations, I was gonna go somewhere and I think I just, I wanna save that for a little bit later. 00:07:56.105 --> 00:07:58.345 But you remember the, the very first episode we ever did. 00:07:59.555 --> 00:08:12.605 Back like three years ago was, it's still in our top five most downloaded episodes, and the thing about expectations are is there's a, a few things that need to be a part of those expectations. 00:08:12.605 --> 00:08:14.375 Do you remember those, those four things? 00:08:14.404 --> 00:08:15.605 Not off the top of my head. 00:08:15.605 --> 00:08:15.935 No. 00:08:15.935 --> 00:08:23.134 I don't either is I went and actually looked it up and it, this is what we communicated, and this has actually helped our marriage a lot, is that. 00:08:23.545 --> 00:08:32.784 If you want to have realistic, realistic expectations about your spouse, so you're not comparing them to other people, because bill's highlight reel is gonna be different than your highlight reel is that there's four things. 00:08:32.784 --> 00:08:36.235 It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed upon. 00:08:36.595 --> 00:08:37.585 Oh, right, right, right, right. 00:08:38.004 --> 00:08:38.125 Yes. 00:08:38.215 --> 00:08:49.164 And we actually have used those four points to, to coach couples that just had, like I remember along in one of our. 00:08:50.899 --> 00:08:55.490 Because, because comparison turns things into something that it doesn't need to be. 00:08:55.580 --> 00:08:55.669 Mm-hmm. 00:08:56.210 --> 00:08:56.480 Right? 00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:00.679 It turns, it turns your relationship into you want something, one else's relationship. 00:09:00.679 --> 00:09:01.850 It turns into, into something. 00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:05.850 It can't be because you're not communicating what you're feeling to your, your. 00:09:06.345 --> 00:09:06.825 Partner. 00:09:07.184 --> 00:09:08.565 You're not communicating the full story. 00:09:08.565 --> 00:09:10.154 You're not communicating your full feelings. 00:09:10.365 --> 00:09:13.934 And then what ends up happening, instead of actually communicating more, you communicate less. 00:09:13.995 --> 00:09:14.054 Yeah. 00:09:14.085 --> 00:09:21.884 And when you are communicating it's negative communication about you comparing me to Bill and so then I'm being communicated with, but it's not good communication. 00:09:21.884 --> 00:09:22.004 No. 00:09:22.065 --> 00:09:24.465 And you're actually putting a block into the relationship. 00:09:24.909 --> 00:09:25.149 Not. 00:09:25.149 --> 00:09:30.669 And not stepping into, and then we have to actually break apart the negative communication. 00:09:30.700 --> 00:09:30.759 Yeah. 00:09:31.000 --> 00:09:34.840 Negative comparison into the positive communication, into moving into something different. 00:09:34.840 --> 00:09:37.570 And that's a really hard place to start with. 00:09:37.659 --> 00:09:37.809 Right. 00:09:37.809 --> 00:09:37.899 And 00:09:37.899 --> 00:09:38.799 you have to ask yourself. 00:09:39.470 --> 00:09:45.289 Do I, is my lifelong goal in my relationship to wake up disappointed every single day? 00:09:45.409 --> 00:09:45.710 Right? 00:09:45.830 --> 00:09:49.820 Is it my lifelong goal to wake up frustrated every single day? 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:58.884 If you have unmet expectations that are not articulated, they are not known to your spouse, they are not achievable, and what was the fourth? 00:09:59.164 --> 00:10:01.205 It's known, achievable, communicated, and agreed 00:10:01.205 --> 00:10:06.245 upon and agreed upon, then you are setting yourself up for a. 00:10:07.534 --> 00:10:09.934 A world of disappointment, of frustration. 00:10:09.934 --> 00:10:10.924 Well, and do you remember 00:10:10.924 --> 00:10:21.485 early on, and I now, now, after hearing the story about how much you compared me to other people or Orange County Housewives of Orange County husbands? 00:10:21.485 --> 00:10:21.575 Mm-hmm. 00:10:22.174 --> 00:10:22.894 I remember that. 00:10:23.705 --> 00:10:30.904 Now that I think back about that was the, you comparing me to them and not being, not even communicating. 00:10:30.904 --> 00:10:33.465 You remember when we had, you talked to me about I had. 00:10:33.465 --> 00:10:35.625 You had expectations of me, but you'd never told me. 00:10:35.625 --> 00:10:36.975 You just assumed that I knew. 00:10:37.335 --> 00:10:37.754 That's right. 00:10:37.965 --> 00:10:45.375 And so would it have been harder in those moments to communicate Well, he should just know that I need him to take the garbage out. 00:10:45.375 --> 00:10:48.254 He should just know that this has to be done to this time. 00:10:48.254 --> 00:10:50.865 He should just know because you're comparing me to other people. 00:10:51.284 --> 00:10:53.384 It was like another layer of miscommunication. 00:10:53.865 --> 00:10:54.764 Of like misfiring. 00:10:54.825 --> 00:10:55.065 Oh, a hundred 00:10:55.065 --> 00:10:55.544 percent. 00:10:56.235 --> 00:10:59.085 And my justification was you have eyes in your head. 00:10:59.085 --> 00:11:01.995 Can you not see that the garbage bin is full? 00:11:02.355 --> 00:11:02.565 Right? 00:11:03.075 --> 00:11:04.455 Oh, that was my justification. 00:11:04.455 --> 00:11:04.875 Right? 00:11:04.995 --> 00:11:10.304 And instead of just saying, Hey babe, could you please take out the garbage? 00:11:10.365 --> 00:11:11.596 I just sat there. 00:11:12.764 --> 00:11:16.455 Probably glaring at you waiting for you to grab a clue, right? 00:11:17.095 --> 00:11:28.014 And it wasn't, I mean that was the un the unrealistic expectation, but it was just, it stemmed from conversations with other people of like, well, this is what your husband should be doing. 00:11:28.019 --> 00:11:28.294 Right? 00:11:28.625 --> 00:11:30.144 There we go, as man of the house. 00:11:30.465 --> 00:11:30.815 Right? 00:11:30.914 --> 00:11:33.684 He should be taking care of vehicle things. 00:11:33.684 --> 00:11:37.375 He should be putting gas in the car, he should be doing lawn maintenance. 00:11:37.375 --> 00:11:40.254 Cuz these are the things that husbands do, 00:11:40.524 --> 00:11:40.884 isn't. 00:11:41.335 --> 00:11:44.274 Isn't that kind of conversation a bit of a slippery slope though? 00:11:44.845 --> 00:11:45.504 A hundred percent. 00:11:45.504 --> 00:11:48.004 Cuz I don't mind taking out the garbage and I like lawn 00:11:48.004 --> 00:11:48.365 work. 00:11:48.605 --> 00:11:49.085 Yes. 00:11:49.174 --> 00:11:50.164 That was one way. 00:11:50.169 --> 00:11:52.625 And I, I like where you took that. 00:11:53.164 --> 00:11:54.575 That's not what I was thinking. 00:11:54.580 --> 00:11:54.605 Oh. 00:11:55.595 --> 00:12:02.164 Because sometimes we have to have conversations with couples and I will have conversations one-on-one with the man. 00:12:03.529 --> 00:12:13.980 And because he, especially if they're, they've been married just for a few years, there's oftentimes a, a miss in communication and maybe the wife is comparing the husband, Hey, my dad used to do all these things. 00:12:13.980 --> 00:12:14.429 Why aren't you? 00:12:14.434 --> 00:12:17.190 Which was actually something that happened with us, like, dad did this, blah, blah, blah. 00:12:17.610 --> 00:12:22.019 The slippery slope, I mean, isn't a slippery slope in that conversation. 00:12:22.019 --> 00:12:27.179 That one-on-one I have to have to say to him, and, hey, you're not, you're not fulfilling your duties as a husband. 00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:30.000 Your responsibility is to take care of your wife. 00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:32.279 And the modern date. 00:12:32.460 --> 00:12:34.950 Look after your, like, help her look after the home. 00:12:35.009 --> 00:12:37.350 You guys, you know, do your chores, do your things. 00:12:37.950 --> 00:12:38.879 Take care of her. 00:12:38.909 --> 00:12:40.980 Help out how you need to, when you need to. 00:12:40.980 --> 00:12:42.179 All of those types of things. 00:12:42.509 --> 00:12:46.259 The slippery slipping me is like not pointing the finger and saying, you're not being the man of the house. 00:12:46.259 --> 00:12:46.950 I'm like, no, no, no. 00:12:47.445 --> 00:13:03.134 If you're sitting around on your couch playing video games from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed and you're doing that six months in a row and your wife is upset and wondering why you're not doing anything, that's when someone needs to come in and says, Hey, you need to like man up and get in there and be the man of the house. 00:13:03.164 --> 00:13:03.514 Right? 00:13:03.735 --> 00:13:04.725 And I think that there's an, 00:13:04.995 --> 00:13:06.105 that's what I mean by slip your slip. 00:13:06.105 --> 00:13:06.195 Does 00:13:06.195 --> 00:13:06.705 that make sense? 00:13:06.705 --> 00:13:06.884 Yep. 00:13:07.095 --> 00:13:13.764 And there's, and it goes both ways because there are lots of men that are on top of. 00:13:14.514 --> 00:13:14.904 Everything. 00:13:14.909 --> 00:13:16.014 Everything, right? 00:13:16.375 --> 00:13:18.894 And I'm one of those guys right now. 00:13:18.894 --> 00:13:20.304 You are what 00:13:20.784 --> 00:13:25.404 I was expecting a use for my sound effect, the rim shot, and you just didn't give me anything. 00:13:26.065 --> 00:13:27.024 I'm really upset about that. 00:13:27.404 --> 00:13:28.605 Just for those of you who get to hear 00:13:28.605 --> 00:13:29.975 it, oh, dear. 00:13:30.875 --> 00:13:37.894 It's one of those things that it's not, there's not a specific, it's not gender. 00:13:38.315 --> 00:13:38.554 Right. 00:13:38.554 --> 00:13:40.504 Like the man's supposed to do this and the woman's Right, right, right. 00:13:40.705 --> 00:13:41.465 Supposed to be in the kitchen. 00:13:41.495 --> 00:13:41.884 No. 00:13:42.304 --> 00:13:46.835 You found a love of cooking and you cook and I love that. 00:13:47.855 --> 00:13:49.654 And I don't like when you clean the bathroom. 00:13:49.659 --> 00:13:52.086 So I clean the bathrooms and we delegate to our kids. 00:13:52.091 --> 00:13:52.355 Right? 00:13:52.684 --> 00:14:00.605 So you need to find sort of a system that works for your marriage and you need to communicate. 00:14:00.889 --> 00:14:04.820 If it's communicating different chores and things like that, then you need to do that. 00:14:05.029 --> 00:14:15.320 But you can't look at someone else's tidy house, let's just say, and look at, you know, your wife or your husband and be like, mm-hmm. 00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:17.179 Right. 00:14:17.179 --> 00:14:20.330 Because for all you know they have a cleaner that comes in. 00:14:20.705 --> 00:14:21.605 Three times a week. 00:14:21.664 --> 00:14:21.875 Yeah. 00:14:22.115 --> 00:14:22.745 Do you know what I mean? 00:14:22.745 --> 00:14:22.804 Yeah. 00:14:22.809 --> 00:14:26.914 And, and it's those hidden things, like you don't, you're not living that life. 00:14:26.975 --> 00:14:32.855 And so from the outside, it looks like, my gosh, like they have all the time in the world to do whatever, whatever. 00:14:33.695 --> 00:14:42.784 And then you just, it causes unnecessary tension and stress in your relationship if you're going to be constantly doing that. 00:14:43.384 --> 00:14:43.774 Right. 00:14:44.884 --> 00:14:45.245 And. 00:14:45.875 --> 00:15:02.195 Yeah, like, I think even just a, like an encouragement to young couples, if anyone's gonna listen to this, is communicate your expectations and your expectations need to be something that that person that you're with can do. 00:15:02.644 --> 00:15:03.034 That's right. 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:03.284 Right. 00:15:03.514 --> 00:15:08.355 Like if Natalie had the expectation that I'm gonna be some kind of amazing car mechanic. 00:15:09.585 --> 00:15:11.654 Because Bill mm-hmm. 00:15:11.894 --> 00:15:13.065 Is an amazing car mechanic. 00:15:13.304 --> 00:15:16.544 Well, why can't you save us a thousand dollars and fix the car? 00:15:16.784 --> 00:15:16.995 Yep. 00:15:17.054 --> 00:15:23.264 Well, if I try and save you a thousand dollars and try and fix the car, I'm gonna have to pay$2,000 to get someone to fix it after I try to do it. 00:15:23.534 --> 00:15:24.434 I guess it's not me. 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:25.100 That's right. 00:15:25.159 --> 00:15:28.820 But then Bill may not be able to do like drywall and mudding and taping, but I can Right. 00:15:28.820 --> 00:15:32.450 Like there's, there's, there's skillsets, there's things that we can all do. 00:15:32.600 --> 00:15:36.950 And that's, that's where we we're like man and woman, when you're in a relationship, yeah. 00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:38.269 You're doing this. 00:15:38.299 --> 00:15:38.990 We're equal. 00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:40.039 We're just different roles. 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:41.090 We just do different things. 00:15:41.090 --> 00:15:42.240 That's like, Natalie likes yard work. 00:15:43.250 --> 00:15:46.250 I don't mind yard work and I'll do it, but Natalie likes yard work. 00:15:46.250 --> 00:15:47.629 She'll, so she'll do it. 00:15:47.990 --> 00:15:50.299 But we know other people whose wives won't touch the yard work. 00:15:50.304 --> 00:15:50.549 That's right. 00:15:50.549 --> 00:15:51.950 And that's what works for them. 00:15:52.070 --> 00:15:52.250 Yeah. 00:15:52.549 --> 00:15:52.820 Right. 00:15:53.029 --> 00:15:53.870 Can we just talk about. 00:15:55.259 --> 00:15:57.149 Media and movies. 00:15:57.149 --> 00:16:05.909 Cause I feel like this is kind of, for me, what stemmed this unrealistic expectation of marriage was these romcoms, oh, they're terrible. 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:14.490 And how they kind of depict this perfect, nothing goes wrong relationship. 00:16:14.970 --> 00:16:21.029 Of, you know, a hi, like dotting on each other and servanthood and all of this and all of that. 00:16:21.029 --> 00:16:26.820 And you know, constantly having sex and all of these things and things like that. 00:16:26.820 --> 00:16:28.200 And it's just not realistic. 00:16:28.200 --> 00:16:33.159 And I remember before getting married, it was kind of like this glass slipper. 00:16:33.924 --> 00:16:35.695 Fog, right? 00:16:35.700 --> 00:16:40.345 Cinderella and the Glass slipper and the man and the Knight and Shining Armor and Prince Charming and all of that. 00:16:40.345 --> 00:16:45.774 And we have all of these, you know, in and of it themselves are not bad. 00:16:46.315 --> 00:16:53.565 But what happens is these are fictitious characters that then you try to translate into real world. 00:16:54.625 --> 00:17:05.545 And are incredibly frustrated and disappointed when you're like, gosh, if, if I'm basing what a relationship should look like off of that, right, I'm going to, I'm going to be a mess. 00:17:05.694 --> 00:17:11.934 Well, and I, and I think that was part of the problem, was why can't it be like that? 00:17:11.934 --> 00:17:17.174 Why can't you just be like that when we were first married? 00:17:18.075 --> 00:17:18.434 Right. 00:17:18.525 --> 00:17:20.384 Well, and e even if you. 00:17:21.809 --> 00:17:36.059 Look at the romantic comedies and so say one of them would have say, an issue of some kind, like mild drug issue or struggled with pornography or like to go to strip clubs. 00:17:36.450 --> 00:17:40.650 Instead of it actually being something that, Hey, we need to deal with this. 00:17:40.654 --> 00:17:41.730 It was always made fun of. 00:17:41.960 --> 00:17:43.029 Or or celebrated. 00:17:43.029 --> 00:17:55.990 Or celebrated the fact that they would do these things and that that's normal in the relationship or, and they would never, it was always like comedy, like, we're gonna, we're gonna make light of this instead of just like, Hey, this makes your wife insecure. 00:17:55.990 --> 00:18:00.069 When, when you're dating and married, you're going to strip clubs on a regular basis a hundred percent. 00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:02.619 And they would just like make light of it. 00:18:02.829 --> 00:18:04.269 And that would be that That's okay. 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:04.720 Like, 00:18:05.140 --> 00:18:05.619 no. 00:18:05.710 --> 00:18:05.859 Right? 00:18:05.859 --> 00:18:10.779 Cuz whether you wanna admit it or not, you are comparing your spouse that is at home or you're. 00:18:11.265 --> 00:18:16.484 Partner that is at home to these unrealistic bodies. 00:18:16.484 --> 00:18:17.805 Let's just right. 00:18:18.404 --> 00:18:19.365 Call it what it is. 00:18:19.365 --> 00:18:19.664 Right. 00:18:19.664 --> 00:18:22.664 And, and the same thing, you know, when you have multiple partners. 00:18:22.724 --> 00:18:22.845 Mm-hmm. 00:18:23.299 --> 00:18:23.384 Right? 00:18:23.775 --> 00:18:27.805 And then you find the one you're gonna have that to deal with. 00:18:27.835 --> 00:18:31.174 You are going to have that, you know, because we're visual people. 00:18:31.585 --> 00:18:35.964 And so those memories and those images are imprinted. 00:18:35.964 --> 00:18:39.025 Those moments, those intimate moments are imprinted in your brain. 00:18:39.744 --> 00:18:40.015 Right. 00:18:40.015 --> 00:18:49.105 And the, and it's really hard to separate that and not think about, not allow yourself to go there when you're being intimate with your spouse. 00:18:49.109 --> 00:18:49.255 Right. 00:18:49.434 --> 00:18:49.615 Right. 00:18:49.619 --> 00:18:50.575 So you need to deal with 00:18:50.575 --> 00:18:50.845 that. 00:18:50.994 --> 00:19:01.525 And all of those things are, are, again, that's, that's the, the dangers of comparing because of decisions you make even before you get married. 00:19:01.529 --> 00:19:01.835 Right, 00:19:02.214 --> 00:19:02.515 right. 00:19:02.634 --> 00:19:06.805 And I think we can't talk about unrealistic expectations as far as comparison goes and not. 00:19:07.164 --> 00:19:08.214 Not talk about that. 00:19:08.454 --> 00:19:08.724 Right. 00:19:09.204 --> 00:19:13.375 Right, because, and you know, I would caution like. 00:19:13.855 --> 00:19:15.775 Watch what you watch, watch what you 00:19:15.775 --> 00:19:16.315 read. 00:19:16.555 --> 00:19:24.954 And again, even, even our romantic comedies that we watch, even now, that part, like that part is really hard. 00:19:24.954 --> 00:19:30.384 Like we have coached couples that have said, very specifically said I had was with multiple partners before I got married. 00:19:30.414 --> 00:19:30.654 That's right. 00:19:30.654 --> 00:19:38.095 We've been married for three years and our sex life struggles because we both, they both had, were promiscuous before they cleaned up and they got their life together. 00:19:38.484 --> 00:19:39.355 They both. 00:19:39.414 --> 00:19:45.494 Were struggling in the area of, in, of intimacy because they were so easily visualizing other men or other women That's, that they had been with That's right. 00:19:45.565 --> 00:19:46.375 In their relationship. 00:19:46.375 --> 00:19:48.025 And now it's hurting your marriage. 00:19:48.265 --> 00:19:48.565 That's right. 00:19:48.569 --> 00:19:54.234 You're short, you're, you're comparing your, you're comparing your spouse to something that happened 10 years ago. 00:19:54.474 --> 00:19:54.954 That's right. 00:19:54.984 --> 00:19:56.424 More than like over and over. 00:19:56.454 --> 00:19:56.954 That's right. 00:19:56.960 --> 00:19:57.204 Right. 00:19:57.204 --> 00:20:00.414 And that's that's also the dangers of, of living that lifestyle. 00:20:00.414 --> 00:20:02.515 It's also the dangers of pornography Yes. 00:20:02.575 --> 00:20:09.204 Is that you, you see all, like for men, you see all those boobs, you're going to, you're going to look and you're gonna compare that to your wife. 00:20:09.535 --> 00:20:09.894 That's right. 00:20:10.105 --> 00:20:10.375 Right. 00:20:10.375 --> 00:20:11.605 And that's, that's unfair. 00:20:12.444 --> 00:20:14.355 And it, it's incredibly degrading. 00:20:14.845 --> 00:20:17.214 Right, right. 00:20:17.214 --> 00:20:19.884 So as a woman that. 00:20:20.859 --> 00:20:32.240 That would be horrible to be compared to a supermodel who, you know, has never had kids or honestly, like, works really hard to attain a. 00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:33.839 Her physique and things like that. 00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:35.579 And not everyone's created like that. 00:20:35.579 --> 00:20:36.059 Mm-hmm. 00:20:36.309 --> 00:20:36.660 Right. 00:20:36.779 --> 00:20:44.339 And I think that, you know, you know what you married, you know, what you sort of signed up for, right? 00:20:44.339 --> 00:20:44.349 Yeah. 00:20:44.349 --> 00:20:53.220 And, you know, babies change things and if you're one of those people that, that, you know has really good genetics as far as your physique goes, that's awesome. 00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:54.059 Good for you. 00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:58.019 But the majority of the population doesn't have that. 00:20:58.619 --> 00:21:10.815 And so, You letting your mind go to those places and allowing that to determine the happiness or the fulfillment that you have in your relationship. 00:21:11.424 --> 00:21:13.974 I think you're gonna be really sad, right? 00:21:14.305 --> 00:21:16.315 It's, there is no win-win 00:21:16.615 --> 00:21:20.154 because you like, and it's not, it's not even that. 00:21:20.414 --> 00:21:21.714 Let let, I'm gonna say it like this. 00:21:21.714 --> 00:21:23.424 It's not even that in the relationship. 00:21:23.424 --> 00:21:24.865 You don't love the person that you're with. 00:21:24.865 --> 00:21:24.924 No. 00:21:24.954 --> 00:21:27.325 You genuinely love the person that you're with. 00:21:28.109 --> 00:21:35.880 But if you have your mind filled up with all kinds of things, other things before you get married, it's gonna follow you until you deal with it when you do get married. 00:21:35.884 --> 00:21:36.101 That's right. 00:21:36.105 --> 00:21:37.589 There's consequences for your actions. 00:21:37.595 --> 00:21:37.799 A hundred 00:21:37.805 --> 00:21:38.099 percent. 00:21:38.190 --> 00:21:40.740 And this isn't just for those who aren't married yet. 00:21:40.980 --> 00:21:43.859 This is something we have to watch while married. 00:21:44.190 --> 00:21:44.549 Yeah. 00:21:44.869 --> 00:21:45.500 Right, right. 00:21:45.500 --> 00:21:48.869 Because it's, it's not, you know, oh well we've made it past 10 years. 00:21:48.869 --> 00:21:50.279 So we're like, oh, thank God. 00:21:50.549 --> 00:21:50.700 No. 00:21:50.700 --> 00:21:52.890 You might have made it past a statistic. 00:21:53.470 --> 00:21:55.599