WEBVTT 00:00:01.983 --> 00:00:13.335 Have you ever wondered why you do the things that you do, why the decisions that you make, the actions that you have, the way you respond to your family, the way you respond to your husband or to your wife? 00:00:13.335 --> 00:00:14.782 Do you ever wonder why you do those things? 00:00:14.782 --> 00:00:21.864 Sometimes our decisions are so driven by fear Fear of change, fear of the unknown. 00:00:21.864 --> 00:00:23.268 Fear, fear, fear. 00:00:23.268 --> 00:00:30.452 That's what we oftentimes are making decisions and living our lives based out is fear. 00:00:30.452 --> 00:00:37.661 We want to touch on that for the next little while and we're going to give some practical solutions about what it means to deal with fear in the relationship. 00:00:57.880 --> 00:00:59.604 Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. 00:00:59.604 --> 00:01:00.226 I'm Natalie. 00:01:00.326 --> 00:01:01.130 And I'm Bryan. 00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:02.563 I'm going to say this every podcast. 00:01:02.563 --> 00:01:09.531 Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, gravity, grab a coffee, grab a seat on the couch, warm, cozy blanket. 00:01:09.531 --> 00:01:11.424 We're so glad you joined us for our chat today. 00:01:12.326 --> 00:01:13.109 Absolutely. 00:01:13.109 --> 00:01:29.727 If you missed it, which has been a little bit a while ago we actually were uh, want you to go back and take a listen to our last one, which is talking about the physical effects that tension has on the body and tension in marriage and how just holding that stress is a constant issue in the body. 00:01:29.727 --> 00:01:31.204 We laid out all kinds of things. 00:01:31.204 --> 00:01:42.043 So, if you missed it, go back, listen to the one about tension and, uh, if you have any comments or anything you want to add to it or say or just challenge us on, please email us and we'd love to hear from you. 00:01:42.043 --> 00:01:43.930 What are we talking about today? 00:01:44.561 --> 00:01:49.272 Today we're talking about sort of what causes the tension. 00:01:49.272 --> 00:02:01.507 So I think we started backwards in the last podcast where we kind of went through um the physical manifestations and some of the things that you might be feeling as a result of tension in your body. 00:02:01.507 --> 00:02:08.205 So now we're going to break down, uh, in this series that we're bringing forth now, what are some of the reasons? 00:02:08.205 --> 00:02:19.512 Some of the um, big ticket items, I guess you could say that contribute to that tension that you might be feeling right in your marriage and relationship. 00:02:19.913 --> 00:02:22.383 Absolutely Even what I said in the opening. 00:02:22.383 --> 00:02:29.086 I just I think back to when we were early married, just how everything was based around financial fear. 00:02:29.086 --> 00:02:30.270 Like we had no money. 00:02:30.270 --> 00:02:33.014 Um, how are we going to pay for rent? 00:02:33.014 --> 00:02:34.000 How are we going to pay for food? 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:35.325 How are we going to pay for gas? 00:02:35.325 --> 00:02:37.225 Um, then we started having kids. 00:02:37.225 --> 00:02:38.330 How are we going to pay for diapers? 00:02:38.330 --> 00:02:38.981 How are we going to? 00:02:39.042 --> 00:02:52.155 and so fears didn't go away because, we're 22 years married in and we're still fear still tries to grip us in the area of finances, in the area of job security. 00:02:52.155 --> 00:02:56.527 Um, what was the other one that you had mentioned? 00:02:57.950 --> 00:02:58.793 Dipers children. 00:02:59.240 --> 00:02:59.762 Well, and children? 00:02:59.762 --> 00:03:05.251 Right now, our children are getting older, so then there's, you know, vehicles, and there's post-secondary education. 00:03:05.251 --> 00:03:13.568 So I don't think the fear ever goes away, in my opinion, I think we just learn ways to cope. 00:03:13.941 --> 00:03:15.546 So probably doesn't take over, right. 00:03:16.280 --> 00:03:16.943 So I wouldn't say that. 00:03:16.943 --> 00:03:17.324 You know. 00:03:17.324 --> 00:03:18.931 You know, fear the unknown. 00:03:18.931 --> 00:03:22.342 You know we've been in our current city for nine years. 00:03:22.342 --> 00:03:28.074 There definitely was a fear of the unknown when we moved north, down south here. 00:03:28.259 --> 00:03:35.592 So well, and moving from an extremely cheap city versus an expensive one. 00:03:35.872 --> 00:04:02.230 Oh yeah, so like this isn't just something that is like oh, in the beginning of the relationship, no, no, this is something that we battle constantly constantly for it not to take over and influence every decision, like and for us to be emotional about how we're going to make a decision about our kids, and whether it's finances or what's happening next with the kids or their school, or what's happening at church, there's always options for us having experiencing some kind of fear. 00:04:02.330 --> 00:04:06.889 Right, and so, even as we are we, this is what our attention is. 00:04:06.889 --> 00:04:36.141 We have what we think is going to be a four part possibly longer series on just dealing with fear and relationships, and as we had started researching this, we realized that some of these topics are big and they're going to require a bit more, a bit more detail, a bit more digging into and even as we were reading, like studying on this, you know, like you know, we went through the laundry list of things that are fear and some of the traumas and some of the like. 00:04:36.141 --> 00:04:37.043 We've experienced this one. 00:04:37.043 --> 00:04:38.327 We've experienced this one. 00:04:38.327 --> 00:04:40.666 This is one that we've we're struggling with now. 00:04:40.666 --> 00:04:45.944 This is and you're just going through this and you're like man, how and and just. 00:04:45.944 --> 00:04:52.858 We want to offer solutions and practical tips of how we're going to, how to get away from that and some misconceptions about fear that we want to deal with. 00:04:52.858 --> 00:04:54.144 On the very, very last episode. 00:04:54.384 --> 00:04:54.786 That's right. 00:04:54.786 --> 00:05:01.237 And also these are things that you know, I think we can all relate to. 00:05:01.237 --> 00:05:08.966 As we break this down in the podcast to come and tonight, we've all experienced Some. 00:05:08.966 --> 00:05:24.240 We might not be currently experiencing or you might find yourself in all of them, but the goal is not, you know, to appear like, oh, you know, we don't ever start with any of this. 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:35.913 We hundred percent I I'll speak for myself I 100% have struggled with all of these that will be Covering and some more often creep up. 00:05:36.213 --> 00:05:48.947 Yeah and so our hope is that, by bringing it to the light, by bringing it to the surface, where we're not hiding behind shame and guilt, yeah, yeah and regret. 00:05:48.947 --> 00:06:06.682 Let's just face our fear head-on and deal with it right, and hopefully this will spark a conversation or or Kind of a self-introspective look on like hey, I actually fit in this category right. 00:06:06.682 --> 00:06:07.665 And I'm not alone. 00:06:07.665 --> 00:06:14.216 I think that's the greatest thing to know is that you're not alone in feeling a fear of the unknown. 00:06:14.497 --> 00:06:25.317 Yeah and yeah, absolutely, and Just understanding that us going into this fear this next series actually is so deeply related to tension in marriage. 00:06:26.245 --> 00:06:46.637 Oh, these will cause all sorts of opportunities to be tense in your marriage and like and and you know we went through last time what happens physically physically in your body when you don't Deal with attention and you don't deal with conflict in a healthy way, how it builds up. 00:06:46.798 --> 00:06:51.447 So Go back and listen to that one, if you've missed it. 00:06:51.447 --> 00:06:58.665 Today we're talking about fear of the unknown in regards to what does that produce Within us? 00:06:58.665 --> 00:07:08.007 And so we I feel like we talk about this almost every podcast anxiety and stress, anxiety and stress, and it's so Prevalent. 00:07:08.007 --> 00:07:15.105 I think a lot of people Struggle in this area, with anxiety and stress over their mental health. 00:07:15.105 --> 00:07:22.199 Absolutely and specifically the area we want to focus on tonight is all the what-ifs. 00:07:23.285 --> 00:07:25.894 Natalie is the what-if queen. 00:07:25.894 --> 00:07:34.497 Way less, way less now Then you ever were, but I just remember there is way less, or I just talk about it less. 00:07:35.687 --> 00:07:37.250 I feel like it's not way less. 00:07:37.673 --> 00:07:40.781 No, no, no no, you're not wrong, because your personality is okay. 00:07:40.781 --> 00:07:42.228 Here's, here's the thing. 00:07:42.228 --> 00:07:46.964 If you're an enneagram follower, she's a six and that just means the loyalist. 00:07:46.964 --> 00:07:58.379 But what that also means is that if she walks into a restaurant and has a dinner for the very first time at a new restaurant, she has already planned out her exit if something was to happen. 00:07:58.379 --> 00:07:59.670 She's planned out my exit. 00:07:59.670 --> 00:08:02.605 If something was to happen, she plans out what would happen if the food was bad. 00:08:02.605 --> 00:08:05.091 She's planned out, if the food was good, what she would say. 00:08:05.091 --> 00:08:07.415 She would plan out if there was a dirty fork. 00:08:07.415 --> 00:08:13.692 Every aspect of that night or Endeavour has already been played out in her mind. 00:08:13.692 --> 00:08:17.307 All the worst-case scenarios and we went to Disney with the family, she thought about. 00:08:17.307 --> 00:08:25.894 Every worst-case scenario is up to hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, gang violence well, let's be real here. 00:08:25.915 --> 00:08:28.305 I already know there was no tornadoes where we were going. 00:08:28.425 --> 00:08:29.591 Yeah, but it already looked it up. 00:08:29.591 --> 00:08:32.544 I like how you say that like that actually stops you about worrying about these things. 00:08:33.288 --> 00:08:46.057 But here's the thing I was just saying this to Brian before we sat down of, like, all the worst case scenarios, all the what ifs, all the scenarios in our relationship that I've not conjured up because they were actually really. 00:08:46.779 --> 00:08:52.980 they were real scenarios to somebody out there, not to us, not even to me, not even to the situation at hand. 00:08:53.019 --> 00:08:58.735 sometimes, but in my mind, and maybe you can relate, playing the what if? 00:08:58.735 --> 00:09:02.610 Game, what if you just up and leave me? 00:09:02.610 --> 00:09:04.663 You abandon us, right? 00:09:04.663 --> 00:09:15.235 Well, I know, when I read one time blah, blah, blah, not realizing the absolute turmoil, I was turmoil turmoil. 00:09:15.255 --> 00:09:17.399 I don't know what turmoil is turmoil? 00:09:18.642 --> 00:09:24.298 all the scenarios, all the stress, all the anxiety, all the tension. 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:53.092 I was putting upon myself in an unrealistic situation, not when you had given me no reason to fear that cave, then then would you also agree that in that situation you're also putting undue stress on me, 100%, like, just like adding this fact that somehow you think I do remember when we went to the it was a Shaw Center or the Rogers Center in Edmonton we were at a conference, a church conference, and we had gone there and Natalie was on. 00:09:53.092 --> 00:09:53.695 We were pregnant. 00:09:53.695 --> 00:09:54.557 How many months pregnant? 00:09:54.557 --> 00:09:55.961 Like seven or eight months? 00:09:55.980 --> 00:09:56.140 pregnant. 00:09:56.140 --> 00:09:58.648 I would say this is in February. 00:09:59.255 --> 00:09:59.897 I like how you did. 00:09:59.897 --> 00:10:08.520 Okay, that was girl math right there, so you were six, or with our first baby, with our first baby and we've talked about all the cray cray. 00:10:08.520 --> 00:10:11.256 I was yeah, okay, well, the cray cray really didn't. 00:10:11.256 --> 00:10:25.101 It wasn't that bad up until this one time where we went to this, this place, and my workshop was on the exact no, no, it was in the same building but it was across the far side of where we were opposite to each other. 00:10:25.101 --> 00:10:27.408 She went to see a famous singer. 00:10:27.429 --> 00:10:28.918 I would say Carolyn Arren. 00:10:28.918 --> 00:10:31.650 She did a songwriting workshop and it was brilliant, okay. 00:10:31.671 --> 00:10:36.166 and I went to see some guy teach me how to play guitar and while we were there we made. 00:10:36.166 --> 00:10:39.375 She said to me you don't leave me. 00:10:39.375 --> 00:10:40.984 I'm like, well, I'm not going to leave you. 00:10:40.984 --> 00:10:42.633 She said it as we're driving in. 00:10:42.633 --> 00:10:43.860 She said it as we're going downstairs. 00:10:43.860 --> 00:10:49.611 She said it when we were standing there and so we had, like B sectioned this big pole, that this is where our muster point was at the end of everything. 00:10:49.631 --> 00:10:59.908 We were going to meet here with our group and I was, but she was convinced that hold, she left her workshop early to see if I had gotten to the muster point early. 00:10:59.908 --> 00:11:02.035 I'm like no, I hadn't left yet because mine wasn't finished. 00:11:02.035 --> 00:11:16.190 Then mine went long by, only like 10 minutes, but it was like a five minute walk to this thing and by that time I found her crying next to B poster, b area, crying sitting on a bench. 00:11:16.190 --> 00:11:19.611 No one, everyone else is still in their workshops because theirs went long too. 00:11:19.611 --> 00:11:25.267 And she's crying by herself on this thing, convinced that I had left her. 00:11:25.267 --> 00:11:33.291 And this, I'm like I, and that's the thing is that you had created a situation in your mind that was not real. 00:11:33.471 --> 00:11:39.008 That's right and and convinced yourself that this is going to happen. 00:11:39.008 --> 00:11:49.945 But it was in your family, that was something that had actually happened to your sister, and so there was a part of you that was like, well, he's going to do this to me too, even though we had a healthy relationship ish. 00:11:50.054 --> 00:11:52.480 Yeah, it was nothing, nothing at all like that situation. 00:11:52.480 --> 00:12:12.888 But it's funny how, when you find yourself like triggers right, and being pregnant was a huge trigger for me but not realizing, and some some of you might be like, oh, it was just pregnancy hormones, no, no, no, I'm sure that played a part into it, but I would not say that that was the only soul contributing factor. 00:12:13.794 --> 00:12:48.514 I wish listeners that we could say to you that it was that it was pregnancy hormones is not not in my case, maybe for you, but the amount of energy that that took in a scenario that wasn't real and and I had no there was no landing point for me to distrust that you would actually show up because you had always showed up, so I had not even a scenario to hold over your head. 00:12:48.775 --> 00:13:02.398 And even even if I was late, I still showed up you still showed up right and very rarely were you late, because you value being on time, so there was no reason for me to distrust your word. 00:13:02.778 --> 00:13:04.485 Well, let's go back to the you value. 00:13:04.485 --> 00:13:05.932 You know why I valued being on time? 00:13:05.932 --> 00:13:08.120 Because I valued being on, because I married you. 00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:08.562 Right. 00:13:08.562 --> 00:13:15.794 So um the all that to say the emotional. 00:13:15.794 --> 00:13:24.547 I mean, I had a headache after I was mentally exhausted, I was emotionally exhausted, in a situation that wasn't even done to me, but one I had. 00:13:24.547 --> 00:13:28.616 I had gone through the mind of he's not here. 00:13:28.616 --> 00:13:38.855 So all of my worst fears have come too past now, and then can you imagine the trauma, the trauma I created for myself when he showed up. 00:13:39.376 --> 00:13:41.331 Yeah right, I thought you left me. 00:13:41.331 --> 00:13:43.414 I'm like I had to go to the bathroom. 00:13:44.158 --> 00:13:44.782 Exactly. 00:13:45.244 --> 00:13:50.561 Right, and here's the thing, is that the what is that you created early on in the relationship, it caused tension. 00:13:51.067 --> 00:13:53.445 It caused fights, undue fights for nothing. 00:13:53.806 --> 00:14:05.644 Well, at that end I I at the beginning, we said, well, maybe you're not, you're way better than you were, Right Like now we have 22 years of me just showing up, and so there's a part of you has like all right. 00:14:05.644 --> 00:14:11.197 And you've also grown and matured and we've grown together in this and this is quite the same issue. 00:14:11.197 --> 00:14:18.004 But the what ifs for quite a few years and early years probably six or seven or eight years of relationship were crippling sometimes, that's right. 00:14:18.306 --> 00:14:24.119 And here I just want to say that when you showed up it wasn't like I can't believe you're crying. 00:14:24.119 --> 00:14:25.965 I told you I was, I was coming sometime. 00:14:26.427 --> 00:14:27.269 No, no, no, no, like. 00:14:27.269 --> 00:14:35.538 Let's be honest, but half the time I bet you was like this are you kidding me, like you know that I'm going to show up and it in my response. 00:14:35.538 --> 00:14:41.971 Unfortunately, sometimes it was triggered by how, how hard you would come at me with where were you? 00:14:41.971 --> 00:14:43.221 Why were you late? 00:14:43.221 --> 00:14:45.565 I can't believe you didn't tell me that's right Right. 00:14:46.046 --> 00:14:55.743 And and just coming, coming on, glued sometimes and that didn't happen all the time but I would get upset and frustrated, I mean, like I've never given you any reason to think I'm going to leave you. 00:14:55.743 --> 00:14:58.197 No, and so 50,. 00:14:58.197 --> 00:14:59.605 I know I appreciate you trying to give me props. 00:14:59.605 --> 00:15:03.076 It will 50% of the time I'm not responding super healthy like either. 00:15:03.605 --> 00:15:10.261 No, but you have also you um what's the word? 00:15:10.282 --> 00:15:14.835 I don't know what you're trying to say, so I think, validated how I was feeling in the moment. 00:15:14.975 --> 00:15:16.804 Oh yeah Is what I meant to say. 00:15:16.804 --> 00:15:19.595 Like you didn't just diss like squash. 00:15:20.792 --> 00:15:21.565 That doesn't sound like me at all. 00:15:22.067 --> 00:15:34.879 My fears in the, in the moment, right, Right afterwards, when I could rationalize maybe laugh a little logically come to a healthy conclusion of of working through that. 00:15:35.865 --> 00:15:44.360 Um then it was like, oh my goodness, I can't believe that I responded like that or that I was that way far down that path. 00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:45.706 But here's the thing. 00:15:45.706 --> 00:16:12.522 You know, one of the things we'll be talking about down the road here is self sabotage, and how many times can our what ifs that we play out in our minds actually lead to a physical ramification of pushing your spouse, pushing your partner away to a point where it's like you have already categorized me as leaving you and eventually you get fed up with you. 00:16:13.806 --> 00:16:23.480 I'm not speaking like you personally, but hypothetically the person gets fed up of always being the bad guy in a situation that they were not the bad guy to begin with. 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:24.181 Does that make sense? 00:16:24.280 --> 00:16:24.500 Right. 00:16:25.447 --> 00:16:29.644 And you create an actual distance between you and your partner and you and your spouse. 00:16:30.389 --> 00:16:32.325 Yeah, which just creates more and more distortion Right. 00:16:32.325 --> 00:16:33.287 Which then? 00:16:33.386 --> 00:16:38.099 eventually, you know Cal's surprise he may walk away. 00:16:38.740 --> 00:16:38.961 Right. 00:16:39.822 --> 00:16:40.464 Does that make sense? 00:16:40.484 --> 00:16:44.504 Absolutely, because there's only so a precursor. 00:16:44.504 --> 00:16:45.373 Well, that and like. 00:16:45.373 --> 00:16:51.743 Sometimes people may just take, take and take the abuse. 00:16:51.743 --> 00:17:03.870 Like I think that once we got, once we got a little bit healthier, we just kind of we become a bit more brutally honest over the years, Just like that hurt my feelings. 00:17:03.870 --> 00:17:14.634 I don't like what you said, Um and not hold back, but that's also personality thing, Partially because you had to learn to adapt to my personality. 00:17:14.634 --> 00:17:17.632 Because I hate Um you're a straight shooter. 00:17:18.193 --> 00:17:18.865 Yeah and but. 00:17:18.865 --> 00:17:22.213 But I don't like is you know that thing? 00:17:22.213 --> 00:17:24.464 You see, you see all the time in like romantic comedies. 00:17:24.464 --> 00:17:26.210 Well, if you don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not going to tell you. 00:17:26.210 --> 00:17:29.872 Oh, it's nonsense, it's nonsense, but that's what people actually do. 00:17:30.193 --> 00:17:30.273 Yeah. 00:17:30.586 --> 00:17:31.650 And for the longest time. 00:17:31.650 --> 00:17:32.794 That's what you did. 00:17:32.794 --> 00:17:33.928 The what if? 00:17:33.928 --> 00:17:39.126 Scenario would happen and that's how you responded, and nothing enraged me more Like I. 00:17:39.126 --> 00:17:42.199 I even with my kids, with my staff at the church. 00:17:42.199 --> 00:17:51.711 You know that if you dance around the issue and I find out before you tell me I'm going to be some upset, yep, and I need you to be straight with me, like and when, even like, even when it comes to my feedback. 00:17:51.711 --> 00:17:52.755 Just be a straight shooter with me. 00:17:53.066 --> 00:18:05.767 So what you did a lot of the times was you would dance around it instead of just saying, hey, this is what's going on and expected me to know, based on a feeling or the way you gave me your cold shoulder shoulder or how you responded to a situation. 00:18:05.767 --> 00:18:17.633 I'm not one to roll over and just take it, but there will be people, men and women, that will just constantly let that pile up on each other and, instead of dealing with it, they end up having that. 00:18:17.633 --> 00:18:18.865 That what we call like. 00:18:18.865 --> 00:18:20.431 Our pastor says this all the time. 00:18:20.431 --> 00:18:21.073 Now it's like my. 00:18:21.073 --> 00:18:33.348 One of my favorite things when I'm preaching is to say um, distance creates distortion, and the way you create distance is by letting things pile up on each other, compound on each other and hypothetical situations what? 00:18:33.470 --> 00:18:36.604 ifs that aren't even real to your current situation. 00:18:36.604 --> 00:18:39.982 It's like you see in the movies or you see on memes all the time. 00:18:39.982 --> 00:18:47.800 Right now, we should do a whole um like video episode, combating all those stupid relationship videos that you see on online all the time. 00:18:47.800 --> 00:18:54.105 But the one that that's all the uh you see all the time right now is is that exact one. 00:18:54.105 --> 00:18:59.282 If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you and how the woman responds, and you're not a mind reader. 00:19:00.028 --> 00:19:04.570 And how can you be a mind reader to hypothetical pretend situations I've made up in my head? 00:19:04.913 --> 00:19:12.625 or the other meme that you see that this one's kind of funny is is all the time is when, uh, the wife is upset at the husband because he did something stupid. 00:19:12.625 --> 00:19:21.996 Instead of coming with me, you went to play poker with your buddies and your buddies happened to be dogs or whatever it was, and she's actually upset with you about something you did in the dream. 00:19:23.115 --> 00:19:24.990 Oh, oh, that's a whole lot, a whole nother thing. 00:19:24.990 --> 00:19:30.013 Those are real funny and that I attribute to a pregnancy. 00:19:31.884 --> 00:19:34.133 That that was not a real experience at all, folks. 00:19:34.904 --> 00:19:42.905 Not only stress and anxiety in the, in the way that we think of stress and anxiety, but this is a whole different spin, a whole different maybe not spin cause it's. 00:19:42.905 --> 00:19:44.594 It's legit. 00:19:44.795 --> 00:19:44.976 Yeah. 00:19:45.265 --> 00:19:53.069 A whole different perspective on creating unnecessary stress and anxiety due to playing these what if? 00:19:53.069 --> 00:19:53.731 Scenarios. 00:19:53.825 --> 00:19:54.386 Well, and what I? 00:19:54.386 --> 00:19:56.114 There's a quote out there. 00:19:56.114 --> 00:19:57.167 I wish I could remember what it was. 00:19:57.167 --> 00:19:59.294 But worry kills you before it kills the other. 00:19:59.294 --> 00:20:02.090 Ooh, I don't think that's the actual quote. 00:20:02.090 --> 00:20:03.147 That's just what I said right now. 00:20:03.469 --> 00:20:04.613 Well worry, yeah, that's right. 00:20:05.644 --> 00:20:16.057 Worry kills you before it will kill the other, because I I know you're worried, but that's like a worry enough for everybody but that worry doesn't like I'm I get. 00:20:16.057 --> 00:20:16.699 This is the thing. 00:20:16.699 --> 00:20:18.711 There's not one person on the planet. 00:20:18.711 --> 00:20:21.393 There's probably one person on the planet that nothing will bother. 00:20:21.693 --> 00:20:21.894 Right. 00:20:22.126 --> 00:20:27.513 I am not bothered by a lot of things, but I'm that doesn't mean how to say this. 00:20:27.513 --> 00:20:29.077 I'm not bothered by a lot. 00:20:29.077 --> 00:20:30.730 Well it will. 00:20:30.730 --> 00:20:32.200 I will lose sleep over it. 00:20:32.200 --> 00:20:33.184 You know what I mean. 00:20:33.184 --> 00:20:35.361 Like, I can handle a lot. 00:20:35.361 --> 00:20:35.944 My shoulders are big. 00:20:35.944 --> 00:20:39.469 I can take, I can take a beating, I can take a lashing I can take. 00:20:39.469 --> 00:20:40.712 I can take a lot. 00:20:40.712 --> 00:20:43.182 That doesn't mean like and and not. 00:20:43.182 --> 00:20:46.815 A lot bothers me, but that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not carrying the weight of those things. 00:20:46.894 --> 00:20:48.980 That's right, you just, you just process it differently. 00:20:48.980 --> 00:20:56.105 Yeah, I just yeah, I process it by replaying it over and over and, over and over and over, and, in certain yeah, in certain scenarios, with certain people, I will do the same thing. 00:20:57.489 --> 00:20:58.913 And it's, it's awful. 00:20:58.913 --> 00:21:02.565 But here's, like um the, the precursor to the next one. 00:21:02.565 --> 00:21:05.123 We want to talk about all these what if? 00:21:05.123 --> 00:21:05.345 Situations. 00:21:05.345 --> 00:21:22.144 So we talk about, like I'm creating these escape plans, I'm creating these um fake scenarios and having a way, should there be an emergency, of how I'm going to self preserve the life of myself. 00:21:22.144 --> 00:21:29.134 You, my children, my friends, whoever I'm with, stems from a feeling of loss of control, which is the second one. 00:21:31.106 --> 00:21:36.799 How often just be told just as have you felt in control and in. 00:21:36.819 --> 00:21:39.105 In my life. 00:21:39.768 --> 00:21:43.730 Well, in plans that we've made together, Was it? 00:21:43.730 --> 00:21:48.334 There's a military saying said plans are plans Don't survive contact with the enemy. 00:21:48.334 --> 00:21:49.397 Literally. 00:21:50.040 --> 00:21:50.603 Am I the enemy? 00:21:50.603 --> 00:21:51.025 No, you're not. 00:21:51.125 --> 00:21:51.547 No, you're not. 00:21:51.547 --> 00:21:57.172 Well, depends on the day, it depends on the what if scenario. 00:21:57.172 --> 00:22:00.314 No, I mean, like this is the thing. 00:22:00.314 --> 00:22:01.846 We've made all kinds of plans we're going to. 00:22:01.846 --> 00:22:04.013 We're going to plan this, we're going to save money. 00:22:04.013 --> 00:22:06.673 We're going to in three years, this is what we want to do. 00:22:07.424 --> 00:22:08.228 And it's never. 00:22:08.528 --> 00:22:15.849 I shouldn't say never because I don't want to quantify but I would say 75% of the time the plan adjusted and changed from what we originally thought it was going to be. 00:22:15.924 --> 00:22:16.829 And it's so maddening. 00:22:18.048 --> 00:22:23.644 And here's the here's the difference between you and I is that I adapt really quickly to change and I do not. 00:22:24.224 --> 00:22:25.700 And I know that about myself. 00:22:25.803 --> 00:22:26.541 You do not. 00:22:26.541 --> 00:22:37.365 In fact, sometimes I'm dragging her over to the side of change, quick kicking and screaming with vehemence and violence and she just is like I do not want to change. 00:22:37.365 --> 00:22:43.703 And she's so routine, based like bed, at the same time, same routine when she goes to bed. 00:22:44.672 --> 00:22:45.398 You know who I'm like. 00:22:45.398 --> 00:22:59.085 If any of you have seen bugs, you've seen bugs life, the part of bugs life where all the ants are going in a row and a leaf falls and the leaf goes and falls between, oh, the two ants where they were in their chain. 00:22:59.165 --> 00:23:06.481 One section continues going and the other section is in a sheer panic because there's a leaf blocking their way. 00:23:06.481 --> 00:23:13.659 We don't know what to do, we don't know where to go, and then, and then there's this whole big thing about just go around. 00:23:13.659 --> 00:23:15.836 That is me, that is me. 00:23:16.921 --> 00:23:19.829 That is the most apt description of how it is for you. 00:23:20.079 --> 00:23:31.749 Um, and I'm a creature of habit, and I'll be the first to say that that is to my betterment, but also to my demise because there comes a sense of feeling, uh, a loss of of control in the situation. 00:23:31.749 --> 00:23:34.929 Honestly, the only thing I can control is myself. 00:23:35.109 --> 00:23:38.507 Yeah, and you can only control your response to that loss of control. 00:23:38.646 --> 00:23:39.388 Should I react? 00:23:39.388 --> 00:23:40.792 I'm in control of that. 00:23:40.792 --> 00:23:44.922 What I choose to say, what my thoughts are, those are the things that I can actually control. 00:23:44.922 --> 00:23:53.095 But if fear is steering the ship, um, it's, it's going to. 00:23:53.095 --> 00:23:55.807 It's not going to lead to a feeling of stability right. 00:23:57.961 --> 00:24:18.171 And in in our marriage it has led to okay, well, if I've got everything planned out right Emergency plans, emergency procedures um, feeling a loss control means that we're steering in uncharted waters, um into like a big fog. 00:24:18.171 --> 00:24:25.462 If you're a visual person and you cannot see if you're going north, south, east or west, where's the path back, where's our, our? 00:24:25.462 --> 00:24:30.032 Um like landmarks that we can fixate on. 00:24:30.032 --> 00:24:32.124 Okay, this is the way we get back. 00:24:32.124 --> 00:24:36.413 Feeling of of loss of control is that very thing. 00:24:36.413 --> 00:24:37.846 There's no sure way. 00:24:38.299 --> 00:24:41.488 You know that you just stole my analogy without me you knowing I was going to use it. 00:24:41.488 --> 00:24:43.132 I did yes. 00:24:43.132 --> 00:24:44.965 Well, come on. 00:24:44.965 --> 00:25:00.513 The analogy I was going to use about fear is is that, um, when you begin to experience fears, when you leave the harbor, where the harbor is calm and relaxed and it's familiar, and there's peace there and you're about to go? 00:25:00.714 --> 00:25:02.722 out onto the and secure and you're going to. 00:25:02.722 --> 00:25:03.948 Yeah, you're tied to the dock. 00:25:03.948 --> 00:25:06.039 You know nothing's going to happen to you here. 00:25:06.039 --> 00:25:09.479 You know that your boat doesn't have any holes because it's sitting in the water Right. 00:25:09.479 --> 00:25:13.111 And then you get into the boat and you go out to the sea and you don't know what's out there. 00:25:13.111 --> 00:25:18.984 You can't see northeast, west or south and you just are like and you can see oh, there's dark clouds over here. 00:25:18.984 --> 00:25:20.564 What's coming my way? 00:25:21.105 --> 00:25:21.488 That's right. 00:25:21.488 --> 00:25:25.287 We just went on a cruise last year, was it last year? 00:25:25.287 --> 00:25:26.528 This year I? 00:25:26.548 --> 00:25:26.828 don't know. 00:25:27.510 --> 00:25:29.673 In the spring it was this year, okay. 00:25:29.673 --> 00:25:31.928 So we went on a cruise in that whole same thing. 00:25:31.928 --> 00:25:35.209 I do well in water where I can see the bottom. 00:25:35.209 --> 00:25:38.328 I do not do well in water where I can't see the bottom. 00:25:38.328 --> 00:25:40.387 Cause again, remember, I have a vivid imagination. 00:25:40.387 --> 00:25:45.790 I want everyone there are 37 great white sharks clearly swimming right below where I'm swimming. 00:25:46.613 --> 00:25:47.321 Yeah, obviously. 00:25:47.903 --> 00:25:50.790 I want everyone to understand that water. 00:25:50.880 --> 00:25:56.842 She can't see the bottom of is almost every place that we ever swim at in in Canada. 00:25:56.842 --> 00:26:01.046 Wherever we see, you can't see the bottom, so you fear all of those places. 00:26:01.519 --> 00:26:02.122 All of the things. 00:26:02.122 --> 00:26:03.749 I fear some great suction. 00:26:03.749 --> 00:26:06.648 I fear a giant fish swallowing me like there is. 00:26:07.665 --> 00:26:10.646 Cause the seaweed is live, it's going to wrap under your right and I'm in. 00:26:10.666 --> 00:26:11.308 I've seen Jaws. 00:26:11.308 --> 00:26:12.030 Come on now. 00:26:14.342 --> 00:26:15.768 You know Jaws was fake, right. 00:26:16.401 --> 00:26:20.231 Well, the movie was fake, but the, the actual shark is very real. 00:26:20.231 --> 00:26:23.594 We're side barring. 00:26:23.594 --> 00:26:24.319 We're side barring, okay. 00:26:24.401 --> 00:26:25.298 Back, back on top. 00:26:25.821 --> 00:26:27.509 Talking about unchartered waters. 00:26:27.509 --> 00:26:31.530 You are at the mercy of the captain of that ship. 00:26:31.652 --> 00:26:31.872 Right. 00:26:33.104 --> 00:26:49.734 And in our relationship, the captain of our ship is Jesus, and so, when we are in a state of losing control, we have a choice we're either going to to set anchor in in the Lord, or we're going to flounder in the unknown. 00:26:49.734 --> 00:27:07.092 And and we've we've been in in both situations and let me tell you that the the situation where you're trying and I'm trying to do it on my own and I'm trying to be so calculated, and all of that Um, you don't prepare for, or you think you prepare for. 00:27:07.313 --> 00:27:14.680 All of the um, the anomalies, all of the little things that could be like wrenches in the spokes, so to speak. 00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:16.288 You can't ever fully prepare for any of them. 00:27:16.288 --> 00:27:25.778 No, you can't, right, because creating a hypothetical situation and then being faced with the actual reality of that situation, are vastly different, absolutely. 00:27:28.229 --> 00:27:34.398 I think that what we want to do with the ultimate end of this is actually provide some um, like name, name, some fears. 00:27:34.398 --> 00:27:39.640 You know like it's like when you see, when you name something, you take away the power of it. 00:27:41.688 --> 00:27:43.113 Remember when we were talking about? 00:27:43.153 --> 00:28:00.299 uh, we, we had read a book by Chris Voss and he's a FBI negotiator and he said, when he goes in negotiations, um, with someone and I use this with Natalie sometimes, as she'll come in and she looks agitated and be like hey, you look like you're a bit agitated right now and it just gives some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some. 00:28:00.299 --> 00:28:04.327 Lot of that gives the name to something and like permission for that to be dealt. 00:28:04.347 --> 00:28:10.789 Dit marinag na peide stabila vorela and well, and for me to acknowledge you're right I am agitated right, or hey, I'm really mad right now. 00:28:10.849 --> 00:28:31.630 I'm just feeling sad or whatever it is, and so we want to name these fears, talk our way through them, give you some accounts of the things that we've actually struggled with in our own life and Just kind of walk through them with you and just Provide an Understanding that you're not alone, that it's not just you, that well, we're here to help, we're here to pray. 00:28:31.630 --> 00:28:38.060 We want to give you some more tools, for the toolkit to see you have the most success that you possibly can have in your relationship. 00:28:38.060 --> 00:28:40.317 So we just want to say thank you for listening. 00:28:40.317 --> 00:28:47.501 If you do happen to like our podcast, which I know that you do, it Does mean a lot to us when you share it and let people know about amplified marriage. 00:28:47.501 --> 00:28:55.502 You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook and again, we say this all the time and we do get some questions and we're actually looking at a new segment as part of the show moving forward. 00:28:56.090 --> 00:28:57.935 But you have a topic or question. 00:28:57.935 --> 00:28:58.939 That's the gonna be the new thing. 00:28:58.939 --> 00:28:59.740 You send us a question. 00:28:59.740 --> 00:29:01.540 We're gonna actually read it online. 00:29:01.540 --> 00:29:05.163 If you want your name read, please do, and we will do that for you. 00:29:05.163 --> 00:29:12.468 If not, we'll keep it anonymous, but if you have a topic or a question or anything you want to ask us or even just challenge us on, please email us. 00:29:12.468 --> 00:29:13.190 An amplified marriage. 00:29:13.190 --> 00:29:21.632 I'd email calm and, as you have heard us say many times before, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed be charged and restored. 00:29:21.751 --> 00:29:22.373 Thanks for listening. 00:29:22.373 --> 00:29:54.469 Talk to you soon, you, you.