WEBVTT 00:00:01.100 --> 00:00:01.600 Picture this. 00:00:01.929 --> 00:00:10.599 It's Christmas, and you're racing through the mall like it's an Olympic sport, trying to find the perfect gift that screams thoughtful, but it whispers, I totally forgot. 00:00:11.050 --> 00:00:14.080 Back at home, your living room looks like it was hit by a glitter bomb. 00:00:14.550 --> 00:00:19.050 Meanwhile, your wallet is weeping softly, mourning its once plump state. 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:20.929 And let's not forget the family gatherings. 00:00:21.295 --> 00:00:28.245 They're like a game of emotional dodgeball, where you're trying to avoid that one relative's awkward questions, but wait, there's much more. 00:00:28.774 --> 00:00:36.594 Amidst all this, you're expected to cook a feast that would make Gordon Ramsay weep, all the while keeping your festive spirit brighter. 00:00:36.950 --> 00:00:38.109 Then Rudolph's nose. 00:00:38.140 --> 00:00:39.710 So grab your eggnog folks. 00:00:39.780 --> 00:00:44.210 We're about to dive deep into the Holly jolly chaos that is Christmas. 00:00:44.630 --> 00:00:49.049 Let's find out why decking the halls can feel more like decking your sanity. 00:01:03.140 --> 00:01:06.030 Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage. 00:01:06.030 --> 00:01:06.620 I'm Brian. 00:01:06.670 --> 00:01:07.519 I'm Natalie. 00:01:07.765 --> 00:01:21.444 Whatever you're doing, potentially drinking eggnog or sipping some nice spiced rum or enjoying some Christmas music, whatever you're doing, we are so glad that you've joined us today and we are excited to have a good chat with you. 00:01:21.900 --> 00:01:22.349 That's right. 00:01:22.359 --> 00:01:38.420 If you missed last episode, we, we've kind of started our Christmas series and we were talking about children and sort of the financial stresses of having a little money or no money and what could you do, what we did, uh, with our children when we were. 00:01:38.469 --> 00:01:41.519 Uh, experiencing, uh, leaner years, 00:01:43.430 --> 00:01:53.390 leaner, leaner years, uh, as we were kind of just talking about this because we're right in the middle of Christmas, we're probably experiencing a lot of this. 00:01:53.474 --> 00:02:00.584 Um, there's quite a few things around Christmas that are heightened, like the name of the podcast amplified. 00:02:00.605 --> 00:02:13.835 Things are amplified at Christmas and it's, it's an interesting thing to, to talk about because really, because we're Christians, I even preached a message is that Jesus is the reason for the season. 00:02:15.085 --> 00:02:20.705 And for whatever reason, right around this time, there's even the, some of the things we're going to talk about. 00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:46.474 There's this odd expectation for everything that the Christmas gifts are going to be perfect that the family dynamics like are going to be like perfect and harmonious and there's going to be unity in the family even though we fought all year and then this one time a year we come together at on the last month of the year for maybe a week at a time and everything's just going to be hunky dory just like the Hallmark movies like we fought and argued and all the stuff but all Christmas comes and the Christmas spirit changes everything. 00:02:46.474 --> 00:02:55.414 Well, it doesn't, it actually takes those already heightened emotions, already amplified feelings and all that's going on and just makes it worse. 00:02:55.444 --> 00:03:00.645 Like sometimes I would say the season. 00:03:01.169 --> 00:03:02.069 Brings it around 00:03:02.870 --> 00:03:08.030 like the being Christmas invites that kind of 00:03:08.150 --> 00:03:17.819 sometimes, but in, in our experience, like there, there's not really a whole reason as to why, like, well, I think 00:03:17.900 --> 00:03:33.280 you have to, I mean, we're going to dive into like our family dynamics externally from our just immediate, because that's what we're talking about today, but, um, there's a lot of variables and. 00:03:33.435 --> 00:03:45.974 Um, not every, you know, I have spent many Christmases on eggshells because you just didn't know the kind of state of mind that the remainder of your family was in. 00:03:46.034 --> 00:03:46.305 Right. 00:03:46.354 --> 00:03:49.474 And I mean, we were away from family for. 00:03:50.479 --> 00:03:50.960 years. 00:03:51.129 --> 00:03:51.439 Yeah. 00:03:51.509 --> 00:03:58.030 And I think in, in that 12 years, we're only, we only traveled at Christmastime to see them one time. 00:03:58.080 --> 00:03:58.719 No, it was twice. 00:03:59.389 --> 00:04:02.979 We, we came once and my dad couldn't make it down. 00:04:02.979 --> 00:04:04.020 So we ended up flying in. 00:04:04.020 --> 00:04:07.500 And then one time we drove just before Christmas, we were there twice. 00:04:08.060 --> 00:04:10.080 So twice in 12 years, not a lot. 00:04:10.439 --> 00:04:10.900 No. 00:04:10.939 --> 00:04:11.360 And so. 00:04:12.039 --> 00:04:15.629 So at the time, like both sets of families lived where we live. 00:04:15.669 --> 00:04:18.490 And so it was juggling and it was incredibly 00:04:18.490 --> 00:04:19.050 stressful. 00:04:19.069 --> 00:04:19.350 Yeah. 00:04:20.029 --> 00:04:20.220 Yeah. 00:04:20.220 --> 00:04:28.170 Well, and I think we discussed this as we came down, like now we spend every Christmas with our, with my brother in law and my sister and their four kids. 00:04:28.170 --> 00:04:28.990 And it's amazing. 00:04:28.990 --> 00:04:34.220 And my mom and my grandma that are here, but it took the first year or two for us to kind of get. 00:04:34.314 --> 00:04:36.564 past the fact that, Hey, we're not having a Christmas just on our own. 00:04:36.564 --> 00:04:39.194 We're actually now obligated. 00:04:39.194 --> 00:04:41.764 And this is, we love being with our family. 00:04:41.764 --> 00:04:46.175 Hear me when I say this, we have a really good relationship with them, really good relationship with them. 00:04:46.235 --> 00:04:49.365 We love being with them, but there's an obligation that comes at Christmas time. 00:04:49.944 --> 00:04:50.915 And we had to get. 00:04:51.220 --> 00:04:54.269 Past the fact there's an obligation for us to be with them at Christmas, right? 00:04:54.329 --> 00:05:02.339 because we were so used to doing Christmas just on our own and then going to see our friends or Our family that happened to be in the town that we were in right? 00:05:02.660 --> 00:05:04.720 Could I word it more in seven obligation? 00:05:05.139 --> 00:05:06.589 We needed to be intentional. 00:05:06.649 --> 00:05:08.209 Yeah, that's good 00:05:08.420 --> 00:05:16.105 obligation obligation kind of has a negative Um, for me anyways, it kind of has a negative meaning 00:05:16.245 --> 00:05:17.444 considering your family. 00:05:17.444 --> 00:05:18.824 I can see why that obligation would be 00:05:18.964 --> 00:05:20.785 negative with Brian's family. 00:05:20.805 --> 00:05:23.334 It's not an, uh, an obligatory thing. 00:05:23.334 --> 00:05:28.504 It's more of, okay, it's not, it's not just us and us coming and going as we please doing what we want. 00:05:28.524 --> 00:05:30.345 Although we can still do what we want. 00:05:30.735 --> 00:05:34.975 We're intentional about spending time with our family because it's a value to us. 00:05:35.115 --> 00:05:35.805 Absolutely. 00:05:36.175 --> 00:05:41.555 And so there's, there, we just want to go through a few things, um, that people are going to, that you're going to struggle with. 00:05:41.555 --> 00:05:47.535 And we'll talk a little bit of our own families as we get through this, but the very first one we've mentioned it a couple of times is there's high expectations. 00:05:48.084 --> 00:05:57.985 It's interesting that the, I think that at this time of year, there's probably more expectation, high expectations in any other holiday. 00:05:58.225 --> 00:05:58.605 I would agree. 00:05:59.430 --> 00:06:03.370 Easter, Thanksgiving, uh, because all together. 00:06:03.959 --> 00:06:13.500 For us, we want to give good gifts to our kids, and I've been the recipient in my own growing up years of, of just the opposite of not great gifts. 00:06:13.649 --> 00:06:17.649 And so I'm really intentional about paying attention throughout the year. 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:19.110 What do my children like? 00:06:19.110 --> 00:06:20.540 What are they into? 00:06:20.569 --> 00:06:20.589 Yeah. 00:06:21.100 --> 00:06:28.939 What speaks to their heart so that when I'm gift giving, um, it makes sense to them. 00:06:28.939 --> 00:06:33.810 It's not just stuff that I like and I hope it lands no, but like 00:06:34.689 --> 00:06:39.100 I bought them these shoes because I really liked them on them and they're like, well, I don't want those shoes because 00:06:39.100 --> 00:06:40.740 that's not, that's not what I asked for. 00:06:40.740 --> 00:06:45.100 And yes, it's not about the gifts, although there, there is like, if I'm. 00:06:45.634 --> 00:06:46.805 Giving gifts to my kids. 00:06:46.834 --> 00:06:48.004 I want them to be good gifts. 00:06:48.064 --> 00:06:48.295 Yeah. 00:06:48.774 --> 00:06:52.204 Oh, yeah, and but no matter what there's a high expectation And 00:06:52.204 --> 00:06:55.305 I think that oh, yes, cuz I struggle with Did I do enough? 00:06:55.714 --> 00:06:57.814 What if they don't like it even though they asked for it? 00:06:57.814 --> 00:07:00.545 But what if it, what if they just said they wanted it, but didn't really want it. 00:07:00.555 --> 00:07:02.384 And so I do this whole 00:07:02.954 --> 00:07:15.805 song and dance that, that I, I understand, but I don't fully, I mean, it's not fully in for me to be like, that's just not part of like, I get it, but I'm not like sold on that. 00:07:15.805 --> 00:07:18.425 Like the kids have always loved everything we've always gotten. 00:07:18.425 --> 00:07:19.334 They've never not. 00:07:19.564 --> 00:07:25.004 And I think, well, and that's just, you know, wounds from my own. 00:07:25.004 --> 00:07:25.055 Yeah. 00:07:26.410 --> 00:07:31.889 Growing up years that, I mean, I realized I, I project in that moment. 00:07:31.889 --> 00:07:32.339 So how, 00:07:32.379 --> 00:07:34.050 how, how, what do you mean by that? 00:07:35.730 --> 00:07:42.430 Like what, what kind of wounds are you, have gotten you to that place where, when we have our own kids? 00:07:42.430 --> 00:07:50.329 Cause I would say that you don't, you may project the anxiety of the gift giving, but you don't, you don't produce the consequences of the gift giving. 00:07:50.360 --> 00:07:50.740 Okay. 00:07:50.790 --> 00:07:51.399 I see what you mean. 00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:51.629 Yes. 00:07:51.699 --> 00:07:51.779 Okay. 00:07:52.079 --> 00:07:54.814 So then I project the anxiety and it stresses me out. 00:07:54.954 --> 00:07:56.204 And it's with anybody. 00:07:56.795 --> 00:07:57.975 Yeah, it is with anyone. 00:07:57.975 --> 00:07:58.925 It's not just a Christmas. 00:07:59.064 --> 00:07:59.685 It doesn't 00:07:59.964 --> 00:08:00.675 matter. 00:08:00.714 --> 00:08:01.035 See, 00:08:01.064 --> 00:08:12.105 here's, here's, here's the thing about Christmas though, is if you take a big dinner, um, gift giving special holidays, extra gifts, family coming in all of those things on their own, don't really. 00:08:12.584 --> 00:08:17.355 are can be anxiety inducing, but they're not, they're not big on their own. 00:08:17.355 --> 00:08:17.845 They're not huge. 00:08:17.855 --> 00:08:21.324 You take all five or six of these things and slam them into one holiday. 00:08:21.644 --> 00:08:23.425 And then you got anxious about all those things. 00:08:23.425 --> 00:08:25.834 And so when the gifts come around, you're like, man, I hope I did the right thing. 00:08:26.095 --> 00:08:26.904 Exactly. 00:08:26.954 --> 00:08:28.995 And so then I am. 00:08:29.620 --> 00:08:34.669 Um, it's just incredibly uncomfortable for me whenever someone's opening a gift. 00:08:34.669 --> 00:08:35.289 I bought them. 00:08:35.350 --> 00:08:35.639 Yeah. 00:08:36.179 --> 00:08:36.409 Yeah. 00:08:36.580 --> 00:08:48.820 And to this day, I still struggle in that area of just, you know, because I just, maybe that'll be a different podcast 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:50.909 where I'm going. 00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:51.509 I know. 00:08:51.509 --> 00:08:52.669 And I think that the. 00:08:53.054 --> 00:09:03.904 When the expectations aren't met in, as in anything in life, but in the amplified state of Christmas, there's this, when they're not met, you just, you feel like you're disappointed or you're going to be stressed out. 00:09:04.205 --> 00:09:07.784 I can tell you safely for 24 years, we've been together. 00:09:08.065 --> 00:09:12.445 I've never had a gift from you that I've not liked or that didn't, that didn't hit home. 00:09:12.445 --> 00:09:13.524 That wasn't the right one. 00:09:13.784 --> 00:09:16.495 And that, but that's also because of who we are. 00:09:17.044 --> 00:09:24.784 And how we try to live our life with contentment and integrity and honor, and you're going to find the right things for me and you're thoughtful and you're going to think, but that takes time. 00:09:25.125 --> 00:09:25.534 Yes. 00:09:25.554 --> 00:09:28.384 And that takes reassurance. 00:09:28.434 --> 00:09:28.865 Right. 00:09:29.075 --> 00:09:29.274 Right. 00:09:29.274 --> 00:09:35.424 And so you've never given me a reason to, for me to doubt even when I was to you biggest jerk. 00:09:35.504 --> 00:09:35.884 Yeah. 00:09:35.924 --> 00:09:42.565 And, and even the kids, like they've never given me a reason to feel this way. 00:09:42.855 --> 00:09:46.465 This is just, and I think if I'm doing. 00:09:47.504 --> 00:09:56.044 Uh, self reflection, I feel like I've gotten a lot better as time has gone on where, where I'm confident. 00:09:56.144 --> 00:09:56.455 Yeah. 00:09:57.424 --> 00:10:02.644 I would, I would say that you're, you're at your most confident right now when you give the gifts cause you know, that's what they want. 00:10:02.664 --> 00:10:02.865 But 00:10:02.875 --> 00:10:14.335 there was a time where, um, It was, it caused incredible anxiety to even think about a gift and then you're stressing about it all night long. 00:10:14.355 --> 00:10:19.534 And then other family are opening their gifts and they're like, Oh my gosh, it's amazing. 00:10:19.544 --> 00:10:25.544 And then there have been times where it has come to my gift and it has just not, and 00:10:25.544 --> 00:10:31.835 that's, that's part of the, the projection from what's happened with your family, right? 00:10:33.009 --> 00:10:37.210 That's part, I guess the projecting is, is stems from the reality of 00:10:37.220 --> 00:10:40.049 what has happened and the wounds and the trauma of those moments. 00:10:40.059 --> 00:10:55.330 I've been there in the room when that's happened and I have spoken up and said something while you were in tears because of the gift that was thoughtful that was actually spoken by said person was what they wanted, but made you feel like garbage in that moment. 00:10:55.460 --> 00:10:57.309 And then even your dad was upset. 00:10:57.320 --> 00:10:58.980 He's like, how can you possibly say that? 00:10:58.990 --> 00:10:59.980 I remember that. 00:11:00.134 --> 00:11:13.384 So it's those moments that you remember in your history that now, but you've never, you've never projected that you've never put the consequence of that on the kids, like made them feel bad or disappointed 00:11:13.495 --> 00:11:16.544 or, yeah, no, this is like, this is just. 00:11:17.154 --> 00:11:22.365 When it, I have to be really cautious and I have to be really mindful of my own state of mind. 00:11:23.044 --> 00:11:28.504 Because family dynamics, um, in my case really sucked. 00:11:28.605 --> 00:11:28.855 Yeah. 00:11:28.945 --> 00:11:30.014 And Christmas time was, 00:11:30.335 --> 00:11:45.394 was, and, and there was, you know, I remember when we first moved here back from, uh, up north and, uh, my dad had just passed away and the excitement and like my, my birthday is Christmas. 00:11:45.465 --> 00:11:48.764 And so there's a level of excitement. 00:11:49.230 --> 00:11:53.070 Um, that I have, and I love my birthday and I love Christmas. 00:11:53.070 --> 00:12:06.590 And so it had been hyped up to be this like big, huge celebratory, you know, we play charades and we play all these games and we dress up and I, I was so excited for our first Christmas back around family. 00:12:07.190 --> 00:12:21.389 To have this whole entire, um, like party I had made it to be an experience and what everyone around me had, had, um, reiterated that this is in fact what we do. 00:12:21.789 --> 00:12:26.590 And so, Um, it was the polar opposite of that. 00:12:26.600 --> 00:12:28.110 We were the only ones dressed up. 00:12:28.139 --> 00:12:32.870 Everyone else was in flannels and no one sort of gave us the memo that no one was dressed up. 00:12:33.019 --> 00:12:36.945 A family was drinking and family was smoking and fighting, 00:12:36.945 --> 00:12:38.960 like fighting, viciously arguing 00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:39.840 and fighting. 00:12:39.850 --> 00:12:41.750 And I, and our kids were little at this time. 00:12:41.750 --> 00:12:50.370 And I just looked at Brian and I'm like, never again will I ever come to this place with my family. 00:12:50.779 --> 00:12:51.549 Oh, we never did. 00:12:51.590 --> 00:12:51.820 And 00:12:51.820 --> 00:12:54.690 we never, we always did the day or two after, but never 00:12:54.759 --> 00:12:55.279 did again. 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:56.049 Right. 00:12:56.090 --> 00:13:00.940 And it's, it was these ridiculous things of like, you know, Oh, can you guys bring this? 00:13:00.970 --> 00:13:02.070 And then, and then we bring that. 00:13:02.070 --> 00:13:05.080 They're like, well, we already have that sort of nonsense. 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:07.779 The whole thing was just nonsense and it 00:13:07.779 --> 00:13:08.320 was, yeah. 00:13:08.649 --> 00:13:09.784 And they didn't see it. 00:13:10.945 --> 00:13:17.294 Cause we showed up at what three in the afternoon and already half of them had been drinking since like nine and 10 and they were already arguing and 00:13:17.294 --> 00:13:17.884 fighting. 00:13:18.085 --> 00:13:19.065 We left early. 00:13:19.134 --> 00:13:19.554 I was so 00:13:19.554 --> 00:13:19.865 mad. 00:13:19.884 --> 00:13:20.095 Yeah. 00:13:20.095 --> 00:13:20.695 Yeah. 00:13:20.695 --> 00:13:21.825 That was a very short day. 00:13:22.195 --> 00:13:26.225 So I mean the high expectations for everything and people handle it in their own way. 00:13:26.225 --> 00:13:31.664 And we talked about this next one last week, just on the financial stretches, stresses of Christmas. 00:13:31.674 --> 00:13:34.215 If you listened to the last ones we did talk about. 00:13:34.455 --> 00:13:36.855 Being able to bless your family and your kids with little. 00:13:36.855 --> 00:13:40.404 And how do you do that and how do you approach that and the attitude and perspective? 00:13:41.024 --> 00:13:41.784 Um, you know what? 00:13:41.804 --> 00:13:50.544 If it was one, let's say you can't, I just want to say this before we move on to the next, um, section, but if it's one. 00:13:50.924 --> 00:13:52.575 Handmade gift. 00:13:52.575 --> 00:13:54.225 And that's all that you could do. 00:13:55.465 --> 00:13:56.375 That's enough. 00:13:56.375 --> 00:13:57.105 Yeah. 00:13:57.585 --> 00:13:58.024 Right. 00:13:58.054 --> 00:14:07.195 And, and I'm, I'm speaking to myself because I get caught up too in the hustle bustle of like, well, you know, trying to match. 00:14:07.225 --> 00:14:14.304 It's not keeping up with the Joneses because we're not those people, but there, there is an element of like, well, you know, one gift doesn't seem enough. 00:14:14.945 --> 00:14:15.284 Right. 00:14:15.294 --> 00:14:16.794 And then like, where does it stop? 00:14:16.825 --> 00:14:17.095 Yeah. 00:14:17.205 --> 00:14:17.485 I know. 00:14:17.524 --> 00:14:21.434 And, and to be okay and content with one gift, most definitely. 00:14:21.875 --> 00:14:22.644 Can be enough. 00:14:22.705 --> 00:14:23.014 Yeah. 00:14:23.514 --> 00:14:26.485 And so the financial stress, we've already talked quite a bit about that. 00:14:26.495 --> 00:14:27.815 Finally, family dynamics. 00:14:27.825 --> 00:14:28.544 This is the next one. 00:14:28.605 --> 00:14:30.215 And this is a hard one. 00:14:30.225 --> 00:14:40.095 Well, and we're no matter what we're doing, because Christmas oftentimes is about family, family dynamics are going to be wrapped up in all that we do in the high expectations in the financial stresses. 00:14:40.615 --> 00:14:41.179 Um, yeah. 00:14:41.690 --> 00:14:42.230 Like I said, 00:14:42.230 --> 00:14:48.500 even at the alcohol, like in our family, you add alcohol to the mix and that just opens all kinds of wounds that you thought were dealt with. 00:14:48.850 --> 00:14:49.220 Right. 00:14:49.220 --> 00:14:50.649 Because they're like, you remember that time? 00:14:51.090 --> 00:14:51.279 Right. 00:14:51.539 --> 00:14:53.340 And then they say things and they do things. 00:14:53.340 --> 00:14:55.070 And cause we're, we're not those kinds of drinkers. 00:14:55.590 --> 00:15:00.750 Um, and so for us, it was, it was actually sit back and watch other people make fools of themselves. 00:15:00.750 --> 00:15:10.639 That was quite amusing for us, but it's still at some point it's just, okay, it's a little bit overboard, but this is what happens at Christmas time is there's really high expectations, expectations. 00:15:11.095 --> 00:15:19.394 Then they come and instead of it being the unifying push that they hope it was, it ends up just being a fight. 00:15:19.404 --> 00:15:23.205 And then they walk away even more angry than the one that came sometimes, not all the time. 00:15:23.205 --> 00:15:26.615 Maybe, maybe your family is perfect and this never happens and we would love 00:15:26.615 --> 00:15:30.065 to say bless you because that is a rarity. 00:15:30.429 --> 00:15:30.450 Yeah. 00:15:30.610 --> 00:15:30.820 I 00:15:30.830 --> 00:15:31.330 would think so. 00:15:31.490 --> 00:15:31.789 Yeah. 00:15:32.350 --> 00:15:34.559 A rarity as in it, it happens a lot. 00:15:34.870 --> 00:15:37.529 It just, that wasn't our experience with your family in particular. 00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:38.169 No. 00:15:38.179 --> 00:15:38.580 Right. 00:15:39.129 --> 00:15:43.110 And so the family dynamics that you're going to experience in every family is going to be different. 00:15:43.110 --> 00:15:50.009 There's going to be a brother and sister, maybe the fight or a mom and a daughter that are maybe in an argument at the time or just their stress. 00:15:50.009 --> 00:15:50.679 There's tension. 00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:52.259 Um, as the kids get like. 00:15:52.370 --> 00:15:57.850 at every age, I would say from like bottom up, it's a different type of dynamic. 00:15:58.210 --> 00:16:09.110 Our dynamic now with our kids is so much fun because it's conversation and laughing and joking and, and that, but there was a time where it just was stressful because they're small and they're into everything and they're, and they 00:16:09.110 --> 00:16:14.250 need like nap times and bedtimes and you can't stay late and you feel bad and right. 00:16:14.794 --> 00:16:20.284 I mean, on one hand, it was really convenient because it meant that our stay was short. 00:16:20.784 --> 00:16:21.784 We're like, Oh, we got to take 00:16:21.784 --> 00:16:22.575 the kids home for a nap. 00:16:22.595 --> 00:16:24.215 We talked about our sanity. 00:16:24.245 --> 00:16:24.514 Yeah. 00:16:24.754 --> 00:16:27.475 Uh, that was incredibly helpful. 00:16:27.845 --> 00:16:36.225 And now it's, we're just in a different space and, and our holiday seasons are peaceful. 00:16:36.284 --> 00:16:36.534 Yeah. 00:16:37.105 --> 00:16:44.174 And, and so with all of that comes, I mean, the normal busy schedules, which is interesting because our, our schedule. 00:16:44.580 --> 00:16:46.919 Um, slows down because we're, we're pastors. 00:16:47.149 --> 00:16:53.440 And so at, at our church, all the groups have already finished except for one, um, everything's kind of chill. 00:16:53.620 --> 00:17:00.600 We're moving on, but then all of a sudden you're, you're connecting with more people because it's close to Christmas and they want to get a visit in before the new, the new year. 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:06.230 So you end up doing more and then there's skating and then there's family coming in before Christmas cause they can't be here for Christmas. 00:17:07.099 --> 00:17:10.970 So it's just a whole thing and it can be overwhelming, exhausting and so you end up getting tired. 00:17:11.315 --> 00:17:14.894 And you get emotional and you get all of that is just tough. 00:17:14.924 --> 00:17:29.005 And we like in both Brian's family and our immediate family here, there's nothing wrong with taking like sort of putting yourself in a timeout and, and just a recharge. 00:17:29.025 --> 00:17:31.615 And I know, um, our nephew needs a recharge. 00:17:31.654 --> 00:17:33.654 Our own sons need recharges. 00:17:33.664 --> 00:17:37.835 My husband needs a recharge where you just kind of are like, okay, there's so much. 00:17:37.970 --> 00:17:45.259 Happening happiness, but happening that it can be just overwhelming with just the level 00:17:45.470 --> 00:17:46.059 of noise. 00:17:46.089 --> 00:18:00.569 And I think that it, and having that good relationship with the family that you're going to have that with, like, cause with my sister and my brother in law, Jeremy and Katie, they'll just be like, Hey, do you mind if you just come back, come in like an hour or two later, we just need to have a morning where we eat breakfast together and we just 00:18:00.569 --> 00:18:00.970 chill. 00:18:01.130 --> 00:18:04.589 And I love that because that sets, it sets the tone. 00:18:04.589 --> 00:18:24.900 And not only like, they are, um, Valuing their family time and, and we are also at this end valuing our family time and um, allowing just some space for the kids to just play or whatever in before the families get together. 00:18:24.900 --> 00:18:30.980 Cause when we do, we have a lot of fun and it's, I say organized chaos, organized 00:18:30.980 --> 00:18:31.349 chaos. 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:33.410 There's 12 of us on one space. 00:18:33.410 --> 00:18:33.589 Yeah. 00:18:33.589 --> 00:18:34.309 It's pretty awesome. 00:18:34.369 --> 00:18:38.150 Uh, I would, I would actually, I'm going to wrap up a busy schedules. 00:18:38.490 --> 00:18:46.809 with the lack of personal space and time sometimes and put them together because it's the time of year like this. 00:18:47.009 --> 00:18:56.210 We, we are, we love our weekends because we get to spend it with the kids and then they have drama and then we do church and it's just this last week and my dad came down with my brother and my nephews. 00:18:56.220 --> 00:18:57.089 It was fantastic. 00:18:57.099 --> 00:18:58.180 We had such a good time. 00:18:58.430 --> 00:19:03.480 We had an absolute blast, but it was like, like as soon as they showed up, it was just a whirlwind weekend. 00:19:03.490 --> 00:19:04.970 And so you're busy, busy, busy, busy. 00:19:04.970 --> 00:19:10.190 And there's just not, well, at Christmas time, sometimes people are staying for like a week or 10 days and it's this overwhelming. 00:19:10.450 --> 00:19:21.660 And not only is your schedule busy cause, and if you're coming from a blended family, you might be hitting up multiple homes when we were young, I was doing Christmas with my dad and then I was doing Christmas with my mom. 00:19:22.204 --> 00:19:27.194 And then when we would come here for holidays, we were doing a Christmas with us and my mom and then going to your parents. 00:19:27.644 --> 00:19:31.164 And so it's a lot of turkey and I didn't mind that so much in the eating and the food, 00:19:31.474 --> 00:19:33.724 but it can be just over like 00:19:33.734 --> 00:19:34.295 too much. 00:19:34.355 --> 00:19:40.434 It's overwhelming and that's where people hit their limit sooner because it's intense and it's just all at one time, 00:19:41.954 --> 00:19:48.615 which then can lead to some real challenges with your mental health and where you are emotionally. 00:19:49.845 --> 00:19:50.174 Right. 00:19:50.355 --> 00:19:54.795 And the stress and the busyness and busyness doesn't have to be that you're just go, go, go. 00:19:54.815 --> 00:19:57.974 It could just be like, we're getting in the car and we're driving to the next location. 00:19:57.984 --> 00:19:58.214 Yeah. 00:19:58.605 --> 00:19:58.875 Yeah. 00:19:58.914 --> 00:19:59.265 Right. 00:19:59.295 --> 00:20:01.724 And it can be, um, 00:20:01.795 --> 00:20:03.035 not necessarily out and about. 00:20:03.255 --> 00:20:07.484 You get to be at home, wrapping gifts, baking, just going, going, going, kids have to go here. 00:20:07.545 --> 00:20:08.855 You know, and if you're. 00:20:09.309 --> 00:20:18.430 If you're suffering or there's been, you know, where there's tension in your family and things like that, that just adds to the mental strain, right? 00:20:18.549 --> 00:20:21.690 And it just, it ends up taking up so much of it. 00:20:21.710 --> 00:20:33.480 So if you're, if, if you're someone who already, we're going to get to one application that I think that we really need to talk about that is, is the big one, but if you're already struggling with say depression or anxiety. 00:20:33.970 --> 00:20:51.900 Or you're already frustrated, loneliness, and you're hitting this time of year and all this is going to happen at one time and your mental health is just about to get bettered because everyone's there, um, and take, take, take, take, and it's, yeah, and it's a lot of take and not a lot of give or a lot of give and a lot of, and people are taking from you all the time. 00:20:52.490 --> 00:20:56.039 And like the one thing that, so that's that like mental health issues. 00:20:56.059 --> 00:21:00.930 We understand that this time of year, the other one is, is that there's a lot of people that have had family. 00:21:01.325 --> 00:21:06.184 Pass away right around Christmas and every year it just brings up more, Oh, they're not here. 00:21:06.184 --> 00:21:06.414 Yeah. 00:21:06.454 --> 00:21:07.914 A tragedy of some sort. 00:21:07.944 --> 00:21:08.194 Yeah. 00:21:08.615 --> 00:21:27.244 And, and that opens a whole, um, another realm of either you're isolating and secluding yourself or sort of numbingly going through all of the busyness because it keeps your mind off of actually processing. 00:21:27.819 --> 00:21:42.309 Whatever the tragedy might be and, and you know, they're the first, like if you've lost someone the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first Thanksgiving, all of those are awful that first year, uh, to go through and, and sometimes it's awful for multiple years. 00:21:42.700 --> 00:21:43.160 Right. 00:21:43.170 --> 00:21:45.240 And so just being aware. 00:21:45.299 --> 00:21:49.559 It's okay to say no. 00:21:49.650 --> 00:21:51.039 Yeah, that's true. 00:21:51.410 --> 00:21:58.549 And to, to have the freedom to say this is not, I just, I'm operating at 00:21:58.549 --> 00:21:59.410 20 percent right now. 00:21:59.420 --> 00:22:03.380 And to even say to your family that certain behavior is not okay. 00:22:03.779 --> 00:22:04.009 Yes. 00:22:04.140 --> 00:22:19.549 Certain response, remarks, or, um, before we get into this, if you notice in every one of these, these topics, things that we've all experienced that you and I as a couple have experienced, if you notice the one thing in every single one of these things. 00:22:20.809 --> 00:22:25.720 it, you have to have good, healthy boundaries on each one of these. 00:22:25.950 --> 00:22:27.170 100%. 00:22:27.309 --> 00:22:32.549 And so it really, this is about what is it that the title that I was just kind of reading is like jingle bells, jingle hell. 00:22:33.000 --> 00:22:33.359 Yeah. 00:22:33.390 --> 00:22:33.619 Right. 00:22:33.619 --> 00:22:38.200 And that can be, um, I mean, that, that resonated with our experience, 00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:40.369 but it, it's all about. 00:22:40.924 --> 00:22:41.494 Boundaries. 00:22:41.545 --> 00:22:48.734 And you're, you're, if one thing, there's a, there's this odd, I don't, and it's hard to explain. 00:22:49.434 --> 00:23:00.305 It seems with family that more often than not, we're willing to tolerate so much more abuse and, and abuse, abuse is probably a strong word. 00:23:00.345 --> 00:23:02.484 And in some cases it really is abuse. 00:23:02.964 --> 00:23:07.825 I would say in some cases, even in your family, the way they talk to each other was, was abuse. 00:23:08.275 --> 00:23:11.355 The way that they tried to talk to us was probably abuse. 00:23:11.734 --> 00:23:14.384 But in some cases, it's just how it's the normal. 00:23:14.414 --> 00:23:39.744 So the exception where you wouldn't tolerate most of you, most people that I know wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else, but in family, they're just willing to take this beating and this, uh, like you're willing to take the verbal, uh, assault on your parenting or your husband's or your, your wife, or how you did this or how you cook the dinner you're willing to take at, at, at not just Christmas, but just with your family in general. 00:23:39.954 --> 00:23:40.684 And I would say. 00:23:41.625 --> 00:23:49.464 If this is you consider putting up boundaries because that'll definitely help your mental health and emotional health and spiritual health. 00:23:49.545 --> 00:23:50.115 A hundred percent. 00:23:50.154 --> 00:23:57.365 And it's very hard to do that when you are ingrained to not speak up for yourself. 00:23:57.404 --> 00:23:57.775 Right. 00:23:57.934 --> 00:23:58.595 And so. 00:23:59.634 --> 00:24:06.164 The greatest gift you can give to yourself and give to your children is no, is, is setting. 00:24:06.234 --> 00:24:07.144 Well, yes. 00:24:07.184 --> 00:24:21.305 No is now my favorite word and not to be flippant with it, but for my own taking control of my decision making and not having it made for me is what it boils down to. 00:24:21.335 --> 00:24:29.890 And so being able to, uh, to assert yourself and, and say, Hey, Um, you know, talk it over with your family. 00:24:30.369 --> 00:24:39.819 I mean like your kids and your husband or whatever ahead of time going, all right, this is how much energy I have to contribute to this outing we're going to with my family. 00:24:40.750 --> 00:24:45.759 I have two hours max so, and we literally had code words. 00:24:45.839 --> 00:24:50.759 It sounds so ridiculous 49ers, right? 00:24:51.009 --> 00:24:51.710 Whatever it was. 00:24:51.710 --> 00:24:53.289 I can't even remember at this point. 00:24:53.630 --> 00:24:55.930 Um, but we had, we had a look. 00:24:56.210 --> 00:25:00.720 We had whatever, and if it got out of hand, it was wrapped up and we were done. 00:25:00.859 --> 00:25:08.910 So just what you said, the three, the three boundaries that I think we should talk about that not in the notes, just something that I had written down somewhere else. 00:25:08.910 --> 00:25:12.710 And I just, I went back and found it was this, it's one, what you just said, there's a time management. 00:25:13.069 --> 00:25:13.099 Yep. 00:25:13.109 --> 00:25:13.579 Yes. 00:25:14.410 --> 00:25:27.849 When you know that, Hey, we're getting there at six and by eight o'clock we have to be home because the kids need to, whatever reason you gave, that is the best thing that you can do for yourself, especially when you're in already an environment that you're already stressed out, stressed out about. 00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:29.430 Maybe it's a mental thing for you. 00:25:29.450 --> 00:25:30.309 Maybe it's an emotional thing. 00:25:30.309 --> 00:25:36.430 You're just what, but if you give yourself a timeline and say, Hey, mom or dad or uncle or aunt, I got to be out of here by eight o'clock. 00:25:36.450 --> 00:25:36.750 I've been here. 00:25:36.829 --> 00:25:37.920 And we just got here at six. 00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:38.240 Yeah. 00:25:38.759 --> 00:25:40.059 I just need to be out of here by eight. 00:25:40.059 --> 00:25:40.970 This is what's happening. 00:25:41.160 --> 00:25:42.279 And you don't even have to give a reason. 00:25:42.329 --> 00:25:42.440 Nope. 00:25:43.279 --> 00:25:43.880 Absolutely. 00:25:43.890 --> 00:25:48.079 Like, you don't need to justify why you are or aren't going to 00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:48.670 stay. 00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:49.019 Yep. 00:25:49.670 --> 00:26:00.690 And, and this is, this is the hard thing about setting boundaries is because it, it, there, when you're setting a boundary, like a time management boundary, it, it opens a door for conflict and which what people don't want to do. 00:26:01.190 --> 00:26:01.440 Right. 00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:05.059 But you're also saying by saying that and saying that. 00:26:06.390 --> 00:26:07.450 I'm coming to your house. 00:26:07.500 --> 00:26:08.190 I want to be gone. 00:26:08.190 --> 00:26:08.910 I'm here at six o'clock. 00:26:08.920 --> 00:26:12.529 I want to be gone by eight, not only opening up the door for conflict for you to be like, well, that's stupid. 00:26:12.529 --> 00:26:12.940 I don't want you. 00:26:12.970 --> 00:26:19.819 I wouldn't want you to stay here until 10, but you're also saying to them, Hey, well, they're looking after themselves and they're standing up for themselves. 00:26:20.424 --> 00:26:25.625 So it's not just, it's not just one thing while time management, it's no, there's a few things that happen when you self care. 00:26:25.625 --> 00:26:26.664 And that's so important. 00:26:26.694 --> 00:26:32.884 If you, if you find yourself incredibly anxious over the holiday season, self care is super important. 00:26:32.904 --> 00:26:33.134 Yeah. 00:26:33.424 --> 00:26:36.734 And, and it's okay to protect yourself even from your own family. 00:26:37.115 --> 00:26:40.285 I know this might not be one of those that like, Oh, I can't believe they said this. 00:26:40.285 --> 00:26:42.069 Well, well, until you've lived it. 00:26:42.849 --> 00:26:50.549 We've hit some toxic families in our toxic family time and a time in our life and we understand the importance of so one is time management. 00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:53.859 The next one is you actually can set the conversation topics. 00:26:55.240 --> 00:26:58.930 And we were very strategic with that. 00:26:59.140 --> 00:27:02.930 And so, I mean, with the kids being there, it was more geared. 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:13.099 You know, there was less likely in my family to be some kind of funny business if my kids were present. 00:27:14.170 --> 00:27:14.509 Right. 00:27:14.509 --> 00:27:18.799 It's like, well, the kids, the littles are here and so we need to be like on our best behavior. 00:27:18.819 --> 00:27:18.859