1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:01,709 Bryan: Picture this. 2 00:00:01,979 --> 00:00:04,769 You pull up the latest viral story on your phone. 3 00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:07,820 Maybe it's a celebrity caught in a social media feud or a 4 00:00:07,820 --> 00:00:11,599 politician whose private messages expose deeply held 5 00:00:11,599 --> 00:00:12,140 secrets. 6 00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,800 We devour these stories with a morbid fascination. 7 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,530 There's a fall from grace, there's exposure, there's a 8 00:00:17,530 --> 00:00:18,359 public outcry. 9 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,460 It's a stark reminder that privacy is a precious thing. 10 00:00:21,785 --> 00:00:24,105 And that a lack of boundaries can have devastating 11 00:00:24,105 --> 00:00:24,804 consequences. 12 00:00:43,115 --> 00:00:45,195 Natalie: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. 13 00:00:45,234 --> 00:00:45,965 I'm Natalie. 14 00:00:46,134 --> 00:00:46,664 Bryan: I'm Brian. 15 00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,075 Natalie: You hear us say this every podcast, wherever you are, 16 00:00:49,075 --> 00:00:52,125 whatever you're doing, grab a coffee, grab a tea, a snack, 17 00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:54,405 some popcorn, cozy blanket. 18 00:00:54,585 --> 00:00:56,975 We're so glad you joined us for our chat today. 19 00:00:57,465 --> 00:00:58,784 Bryan: Absolutely. 20 00:00:58,784 --> 00:01:05,739 Today we are actually going back to a that we've discussed 21 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,909 briefly, briefly discussed. 22 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,109 We had two episodes in our very first season a long time ago, 23 00:01:11,459 --> 00:01:14,689 uh, on boundaries in particular, and we're going to be 24 00:01:14,689 --> 00:01:21,379 discussing, uh, today, a deeper dive into boundaries and going a 25 00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:22,609 lot further and the different types. 26 00:01:22,609 --> 00:01:26,209 So we talked about physical and emotional, um, And we want to 27 00:01:26,209 --> 00:01:29,120 get really deep into this'cause we have some topics coming up. 28 00:01:29,209 --> 00:01:31,489 We have, uh, some counselors that we're gonna be bringing on 29 00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:35,450 onto the, the episode or our, sorry, onto the podcast just to 30 00:01:35,450 --> 00:01:37,549 have a chat with us about boundaries in regarding 31 00:01:37,549 --> 00:01:39,260 children, um, moving forward. 32 00:01:39,260 --> 00:01:40,849 So we have some really good things going on. 33 00:01:40,849 --> 00:01:42,019 We have been away. 34 00:01:42,409 --> 00:01:44,810 Uh, I know it's been a long time since we've had a podcast, but 35 00:01:44,810 --> 00:01:45,620 we've January. 36 00:01:45,795 --> 00:01:46,084 Yeah. 37 00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:48,230 Yeah. 38 00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:50,444 We, uh, we had a 39 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:50,765 Natalie: lot happen. 40 00:01:51,034 --> 00:01:52,805 Bryan: Yeah, we had a lot happen. 41 00:01:53,564 --> 00:01:53,784 So. 42 00:01:54,685 --> 00:01:59,034 Natalie: Right after our last podcast, the end of January, 43 00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:00,534 Bryan: near the end of January, we were getting ready. 44 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,694 The week that we would have recorded, we would, we had 45 00:02:03,694 --> 00:02:04,905 Natalie: to put our dog down. 46 00:02:04,905 --> 00:02:10,455 So if you're a dog person, we had a golden retriever. 47 00:02:10,465 --> 00:02:11,495 Her name is Molly. 48 00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:15,634 And, uh, she just had a really aggressive nasal cancer. 49 00:02:15,664 --> 00:02:20,835 And so the prognosis was quite grim, actually, by the time that 50 00:02:20,835 --> 00:02:25,884 we had found out, um, he, she was supposed to have been gone 51 00:02:26,044 --> 00:02:27,534 long before she did. 52 00:02:27,865 --> 00:02:31,314 And so I'm so grateful to God for answering our prayers and 53 00:02:31,314 --> 00:02:34,675 the kids prayers for sustaining her over Christmas. 54 00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:36,935 That was kind of the big thing was. 55 00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:39,289 Please let her not die over Christmas. 56 00:02:39,319 --> 00:02:39,569 Yeah. 57 00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:43,150 And, and I didn't want her to die here because that's just 58 00:02:43,150 --> 00:02:44,319 traumatizing. 59 00:02:44,319 --> 00:02:44,419 So, 60 00:02:44,719 --> 00:02:47,919 Bryan: and then in the middle of all that, um, we had right after 61 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:51,289 that happened, the play, we had to play. 62 00:02:51,469 --> 00:02:52,819 Natalie: You went to Mexico before the play. 63 00:02:52,819 --> 00:02:53,020 That's 64 00:02:53,020 --> 00:02:53,259 Bryan: right. 65 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:54,979 I had to go to Mexico. 66 00:02:54,979 --> 00:02:58,780 We have about 10 churches in Mexico that our church in Canada 67 00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,349 has planted over the last 30 years. 68 00:03:00,349 --> 00:03:03,599 And so, um, my lead pastor and I had to go down and make a trip 69 00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:03,620 to Mexico. 70 00:03:03,659 --> 00:03:05,810 just to connect with all the pastors after COVID. 71 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:08,909 And then we had the play come up, which is two weeks of just 72 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:13,289 consistent every evening, every day, all day it's intense. 73 00:03:13,289 --> 00:03:16,000 And so, uh, with six performances or five 74 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,110 performances and then tech week before that, and then church, 75 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,990 and then we got into Easter and baptisms and it's just been a 76 00:03:22,479 --> 00:03:24,120 really busy time, but we're back. 77 00:03:24,159 --> 00:03:24,469 Natalie: Yes. 78 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,169 Oh my word. 79 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:28,979 Long story short, we've had a lot go on in the last two 80 00:03:28,979 --> 00:03:29,289 months. 81 00:03:31,004 --> 00:03:35,125 And we, I didn't want to know that Brian as well, just don't 82 00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:38,675 want to put out content for the sake of shoot our week is here. 83 00:03:38,675 --> 00:03:41,865 We really want to make sure that we spend some time thinking 84 00:03:41,865 --> 00:03:45,865 about it, talking it through, praying about it so that it's. 85 00:03:46,335 --> 00:03:49,205 It's, um, valuable to you listeners. 86 00:03:49,264 --> 00:03:51,955 So in a nutshell, 87 00:03:52,675 --> 00:03:55,405 Bryan: that's been the last of well, so we want to talk about, 88 00:03:55,414 --> 00:03:59,014 uh, boundaries and marriages and boundaries and relationships. 89 00:03:59,014 --> 00:04:00,974 And some of the things we're going to be talking about today 90 00:04:01,414 --> 00:04:07,134 are going to be tools in your toolbox that we will be good for 91 00:04:07,134 --> 00:04:08,405 more than just your marriage. 92 00:04:09,055 --> 00:04:11,194 But we are going to focus on the marriage cause we're a 93 00:04:11,194 --> 00:04:13,335 relationship podcast and that's where we want to go with this. 94 00:04:13,395 --> 00:04:17,629 And so, um, There is a reason that there are boundaries and 95 00:04:17,629 --> 00:04:21,430 there's a reason that there's a thousand books on boundaries, 96 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:25,500 Christian books, non Christian books that there is just so much 97 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:26,009 content. 98 00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:27,560 There's about boundaries. 99 00:04:27,569 --> 00:04:33,500 There's a reason because what the one person who doesn't want 100 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:36,759 a healthy boundary is the one that struggles with boundaries. 101 00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:38,129 Natalie: I would agree. 102 00:04:38,439 --> 00:04:40,980 Bryan: The one that wants to put a boundary on it generally is 103 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:45,509 doing it for good reasons, like healthy reasons and less trying 104 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:49,379 or at least trying to, there is such thing as, as unhealthy 105 00:04:49,379 --> 00:04:51,740 manipulative boundaries that people are putting in place to 106 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:54,290 get to control you, to get you to do certain things. 107 00:04:54,290 --> 00:04:55,740 But that's not where we want to go today. 108 00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:58,959 Today we want to talk about healthy marriages need to have 109 00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:00,660 boundaries and healthy boundaries. 110 00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,170 And the reason being is that those will protect the 111 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:03,860 relationship. 112 00:05:04,490 --> 00:05:04,519 Okay. 113 00:05:04,529 --> 00:05:07,750 So they'll protect the well being of the, of the marriage. 114 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,300 They'll protect the connection to each other and that 115 00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:11,709 connection to your children. 116 00:05:11,709 --> 00:05:12,709 If you happen to have children, 117 00:05:12,769 --> 00:05:13,389 Natalie: exactly. 118 00:05:13,389 --> 00:05:15,350 I think about it like you're building a fence 119 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:15,990 Bryan: right 120 00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:22,709 Natalie: around your house, and it's not You To shut myself out 121 00:05:22,709 --> 00:05:25,170 from whatever's beyond the fence. 122 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:25,379 Yeah. 123 00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:30,050 But it really is to define my personal space. 124 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:30,379 Yeah. 125 00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:36,290 Um, and it's up to me to decide what I choose to let in and who 126 00:05:36,290 --> 00:05:40,209 I choose to let in and who and what I choose to keep out. 127 00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:40,750 Bryan: Right. 128 00:05:41,189 --> 00:05:43,740 And if you like, if you look at any. 129 00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:47,300 Um, type of where you're going to grow the most. 130 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:52,389 There's stability, there's, there's, uh, security, there's a 131 00:05:52,389 --> 00:05:53,800 direction you need to go. 132 00:05:53,899 --> 00:05:57,089 So boundaries, they really are there to just help you grow and 133 00:05:57,089 --> 00:05:59,490 they help you change and they help you do that within the 134 00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:04,000 safety of the specific rules, specific parameters. 135 00:06:04,259 --> 00:06:04,980 Exactly. 136 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:05,259 Right. 137 00:06:05,259 --> 00:06:05,709 And so I just 138 00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:06,000 Natalie: thought of this. 139 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:10,699 It's, it's like, you know, when you're in a garden and there, 140 00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:13,680 there are weeds and weeds will grow anywhere. 141 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:13,949 Yeah. 142 00:06:13,949 --> 00:06:14,170 Right. 143 00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:14,470 Right. 144 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,569 Toxic people, unhealthy people will be everywhere in 145 00:06:17,579 --> 00:06:18,959 surrounding us in our lives. 146 00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:25,240 We and they will definitely choke out the good growth and 147 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:28,120 the good progress and the good decisions that you're making if 148 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,189 you're not careful. 149 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:29,689 Right. 150 00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:33,550 So when we think of boundaries, we're essentially doing a 151 00:06:33,550 --> 00:06:37,709 weeding of our own, um, 152 00:06:39,569 --> 00:06:40,050 Bryan: Right. 153 00:06:40,370 --> 00:06:42,410 Natalie: And we'll get into sort of, we'll break it down. 154 00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:43,449 I hope that made sense. 155 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:44,389 Bryan: It does make sense. 156 00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:45,470 Absolutely. 157 00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:48,839 And so you're looking at like, we, there, this is the way that, 158 00:06:48,870 --> 00:06:51,420 um, I've been using it the last a while is that boundaries are 159 00:06:51,420 --> 00:06:53,319 like guardrails on a mountain road. 160 00:06:53,639 --> 00:06:56,100 They prevent you from creating off course during the tough 161 00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:56,569 times. 162 00:06:57,110 --> 00:07:00,839 Natalie: Like we live in a mountainous region and I, 163 00:07:01,209 --> 00:07:02,399 there's one section. 164 00:07:02,399 --> 00:07:08,225 And Um, where there's, um, what are they called vineyards? 165 00:07:08,264 --> 00:07:09,204 Oh my Lord. 166 00:07:09,204 --> 00:07:10,225 Bryan: I didn't know what you were trying to say. 167 00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:10,555 So I couldn't help you, 168 00:07:11,225 --> 00:07:13,175 Natalie: uh, up on a ridge 169 00:07:13,175 --> 00:07:14,055 Bryan: and 170 00:07:14,055 --> 00:07:16,165 Natalie: the road to get there is a little sketchy. 171 00:07:17,845 --> 00:07:20,194 Part of it has somewhat of a guardrail. 172 00:07:20,654 --> 00:07:22,524 And when you think like you're climbing the mountain, doing 173 00:07:22,564 --> 00:07:26,264 switchbacks on the road and it's literally one lane up, one lane 174 00:07:26,264 --> 00:07:27,415 down and it's really narrow. 175 00:07:27,415 --> 00:07:31,564 There is a huge section where there is absolutely no 176 00:07:31,564 --> 00:07:32,834 protection from the edge. 177 00:07:33,139 --> 00:07:33,769 Bryan: Yes. 178 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,199 Natalie: And it is so incredibly nerve wracking. 179 00:07:36,259 --> 00:07:39,769 It doesn't matter how many times I drive it, I'm, it's scary and 180 00:07:39,769 --> 00:07:43,290 I'm holding my breath for part of it because there are no 181 00:07:43,319 --> 00:07:43,980 guardrails. 182 00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:47,990 I really learned to appreciate the roads that have the 183 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:48,379 guardrails. 184 00:07:49,279 --> 00:07:49,480 Bryan: Yeah. 185 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,180 You're, you're also the person that as I'm driving and I get 186 00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:55,805 near, uh, Uh, a truck that has logs on the back. 187 00:07:55,805 --> 00:07:57,605 They are like, Brian, speed up, Brian, Brian, speed up. 188 00:07:57,605 --> 00:07:58,264 I don't want to be next. 189 00:07:58,264 --> 00:07:58,545 Brian, speed up. 190 00:07:58,545 --> 00:07:58,904 Well, 191 00:07:58,904 --> 00:07:59,814 Natalie: I don't like it. 192 00:07:59,814 --> 00:08:01,814 I know you don't like it behind a semi truck. 193 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,504 I don't like being beside a semi truck. 194 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:04,105 Bryan: I know. 195 00:08:04,105 --> 00:08:06,564 It's really funny because I'm moving, I'm actually moving 196 00:08:06,564 --> 00:08:08,675 quickly, but you're still like, no, no, no, we can't be here. 197 00:08:09,004 --> 00:08:09,615 Natalie: Exactly. 198 00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:13,134 We're, I'm creating boundaries between myself and unsafe 199 00:08:13,134 --> 00:08:13,704 situations. 200 00:08:13,884 --> 00:08:14,814 I, do you see what I did there? 201 00:08:14,824 --> 00:08:15,845 Bryan: I see what you did there. 202 00:08:16,254 --> 00:08:16,464 Right. 203 00:08:16,464 --> 00:08:19,714 And so we, there are different types of boundaries. 204 00:08:19,714 --> 00:08:20,795 You want to start going through them? 205 00:08:20,795 --> 00:08:20,855 Yeah. 206 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:22,180 Natalie: Sure. 207 00:08:22,230 --> 00:08:26,009 I mean, as we're going through the list, we might forget one or 208 00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:27,579 we might not have even thought of one. 209 00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:31,279 So if you're hearing us go through this and you're like, 210 00:08:31,319 --> 00:08:32,769 gosh, they didn't talk about this. 211 00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:36,100 Uh, please let us know because this is not, 212 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:38,320 Bryan: so here's, here's, here's the thing. 213 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,509 We want to lay the foundation for these. 214 00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:42,879 These are some, some, the types of boundaries. 215 00:08:42,879 --> 00:08:45,330 The reason for the boundaries is because they provide guardrails, 216 00:08:45,370 --> 00:08:46,730 but they also help you to. 217 00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:46,750 Okay. 218 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:51,659 Cultivate, uh, a relationship of trust, of love, of care, of 219 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:53,350 maturity, stability, security. 220 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:56,440 Um, all of those things, those things are important in the 221 00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:56,970 relationship. 222 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,159 And so that's what a boundary does. 223 00:08:58,159 --> 00:09:02,919 A boundary isn't to manipulate control to, to get them to do 224 00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:03,659 what you want. 225 00:09:03,889 --> 00:09:05,620 And we'll talk about that some as we move forward. 226 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,830 Natalie: And, and just a precursor, some of these ones. 227 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:13,169 Oh, like as we were going through them really felt like 228 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:17,240 they needed to be a separate or not a separate, but like we 229 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,100 needed to create a podcast specifically on certain ones. 230 00:09:20,509 --> 00:09:23,240 So, uh, we'll let you know about that. 231 00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:23,529 All right. 232 00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:25,629 First one, physical boundaries. 233 00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:27,000 Yeah. 234 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,929 So, I mean, you might be like, well, what is that? 235 00:09:30,539 --> 00:09:35,809 That is essentially respecting personal space and, uh, being 236 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,820 comfortable, my being able to articulate my comfort in, you 237 00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:42,205 know, Um, how you're touching me, physical touch plays a part 238 00:09:42,205 --> 00:09:42,585 of it. 239 00:09:42,955 --> 00:09:45,715 It's not just, you know, we do the five love languages and 240 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:48,654 physical touch and everyone just assumes that that just means 241 00:09:49,004 --> 00:09:51,375 sexual contact and, uh, it doesn't. 242 00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:51,754 Bryan: Yeah. 243 00:09:51,754 --> 00:09:54,634 It's funny because as soon as you mentioned intimacy anywhere, 244 00:09:54,644 --> 00:09:57,335 they're all, they mean sex because I really a hundred 245 00:09:57,335 --> 00:10:01,075 percent believe that the world has taken what God created for 246 00:10:01,075 --> 00:10:04,125 good sex, which is between men and women to be good and healthy 247 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:04,585 and whole. 248 00:10:04,784 --> 00:10:05,095 Natalie: Yeah. 249 00:10:05,115 --> 00:10:05,264 He 250 00:10:05,264 --> 00:10:07,815 Bryan: took that and the world's perverted it to mean. 251 00:10:08,110 --> 00:10:11,029 But the only way you can emotionally, intimately connect 252 00:10:11,029 --> 00:10:12,200 with someone else is through sex. 253 00:10:12,210 --> 00:10:16,639 Sex is a bonus, but there's definitely more to intimacy than 254 00:10:16,639 --> 00:10:17,080 just sex. 255 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:17,600 Natalie: That's right. 256 00:10:18,029 --> 00:10:19,860 And so public displays of affection. 257 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,019 Bryan: So when we talk about it, we're talking about it. 258 00:10:22,029 --> 00:10:22,139 We 259 00:10:22,139 --> 00:10:23,159 Natalie: talk about physical boundaries. 260 00:10:23,159 --> 00:10:25,919 We're talking about, I'm a physical person in my 261 00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:28,389 environment and you are a physical person in your 262 00:10:28,389 --> 00:10:28,840 environment. 263 00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:31,549 And how do we, how do we connect? 264 00:10:31,929 --> 00:10:31,950 Bryan: Yeah. 265 00:10:31,950 --> 00:10:33,299 You make it sound so boring. 266 00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:34,759 Natalie: Public displays of affection. 267 00:10:34,809 --> 00:10:36,039 I mean, there are boundaries there. 268 00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:36,659 There are. 269 00:10:36,659 --> 00:10:36,715 There are. 270 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:40,664 Um, you know, not everywhere is appropriate to display public 271 00:10:40,664 --> 00:10:42,235 displays, right? 272 00:10:42,264 --> 00:10:45,774 And I say that because, you know, if you're traveling, not 273 00:10:45,774 --> 00:10:52,294 just for you to, um, be comfortable with your spouse or 274 00:10:52,294 --> 00:10:54,315 your boyfriend or girlfriend. 275 00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:58,879 In a public area, but also, um, translates to like, if you're 276 00:10:58,879 --> 00:11:02,000 traveling, there are certain countries that prohibit certain 277 00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:03,169 public displays of affection. 278 00:11:03,190 --> 00:11:05,440 Bryan: Some people are PDA people and some people aren't 279 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,700 PDA people and you need to discuss that with each other. 280 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:11,960 Natalie: But yes, communicating your level of comfort, comfort 281 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,379 when it comes to public displays of affection and regarding your 282 00:11:15,379 --> 00:11:16,340 personal space, 283 00:11:17,649 --> 00:11:18,480 Bryan: emotional boundaries. 284 00:11:19,664 --> 00:11:23,475 Emotional boundaries, communicating your feelings, um, 285 00:11:23,524 --> 00:11:28,835 well, openly while respecting each other, uh, and respecting 286 00:11:28,835 --> 00:11:30,034 each other's emotional needs. 287 00:11:30,294 --> 00:11:30,715 Natalie: Yeah. 288 00:11:30,855 --> 00:11:31,225 Bryan: Right. 289 00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:32,294 Natalie: I'm not responsible. 290 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,955 Bryan: You're not responsible for your partner's happiness, 291 00:11:35,784 --> 00:11:36,184 right? 292 00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:38,745 Natalie: Uh, that might seem. 293 00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:41,340 Mind blowing to some people. 294 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,730 Bryan: Yeah, well, especially like, do you remember the movie 295 00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:45,409 Jerry Maguire? 296 00:11:45,799 --> 00:11:46,210 Natalie: Yes. 297 00:11:47,429 --> 00:11:49,529 Bryan: When that movie came out, Jerry Maguire is like, you 298 00:11:49,529 --> 00:11:50,269 complete me. 299 00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:53,059 No, there's not one person in the whole world that will 300 00:11:53,059 --> 00:11:58,590 completely, will they make you a little more App to enjoy things. 301 00:11:58,590 --> 00:12:00,799 They, they can finish your sentences. 302 00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:03,179 They think the same way you do in certain things. 303 00:12:03,179 --> 00:12:05,370 And yet there's no way that there's one person in the whole 304 00:12:05,370 --> 00:12:07,250 world that completely you will complete you. 305 00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:09,950 And then there was this whole culture built or I remember 306 00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:11,590 saying the mean Natalie joking around. 307 00:12:11,590 --> 00:12:12,500 We were early dating. 308 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:13,669 Oh, you complete me. 309 00:12:13,669 --> 00:12:13,960 Like. 310 00:12:14,455 --> 00:12:15,554 It's such a weird thing. 311 00:12:15,554 --> 00:12:16,115 And then it's the 312 00:12:16,115 --> 00:12:16,794 Natalie: love goggles. 313 00:12:16,995 --> 00:12:18,815 Bryan: Do you want to be responsible for another person's 314 00:12:18,815 --> 00:12:19,924 happiness based on your behavior? 315 00:12:19,945 --> 00:12:20,985 Cause that's really what it is. 316 00:12:21,424 --> 00:12:23,835 If I'm responsible for your happiness, that means my 317 00:12:23,835 --> 00:12:28,764 behavior cannot trigger you, offend you, uh, hurt you, uh, 318 00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:31,215 even poke you in any way, shape, or form. 319 00:12:32,804 --> 00:12:34,085 And I'm responsible for that. 320 00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:36,434 That means I would spend so much time trying to control my 321 00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:39,735 behavior to make you happy that I would never, I would be 322 00:12:39,735 --> 00:12:40,205 unhappy. 323 00:12:40,514 --> 00:12:41,225 Natalie: That's right. 324 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,085 Speaking of controlling one's behavior. 325 00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:49,649 You have to be so incredibly mindful that everyone expresses 326 00:12:49,649 --> 00:12:50,659 emotion differently. 327 00:12:51,759 --> 00:12:57,370 And your relationship should be a safe space for you to express 328 00:12:57,370 --> 00:13:00,240 that emotion, however it needs to come out. 329 00:13:00,519 --> 00:13:04,659 I need to express my emotion and if I keep it in, it's volatile. 330 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,159 I have to let it out. 331 00:13:06,340 --> 00:13:09,480 And now there's also an air of responsibility on how I choose 332 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:10,330 to let that out. 333 00:13:11,269 --> 00:13:16,269 Um, but I have to, not that I need your permission. 334 00:13:17,075 --> 00:13:22,945 Um, to release that, but there has to be an understanding of 335 00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:26,274 just because you don't process emotion the same way I do 336 00:13:26,294 --> 00:13:27,945 doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to. 337 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:30,615 Bryan: Oh, that's, that's a really good point. 338 00:13:30,654 --> 00:13:30,754 We 339 00:13:30,754 --> 00:13:32,024 Natalie: talk about emotional boundaries. 340 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:38,625 It is not sequestering someone's need to emotional event or like 341 00:13:38,625 --> 00:13:39,965 an emotional output. 342 00:13:40,215 --> 00:13:40,554 Bryan: Right. 343 00:13:40,774 --> 00:13:44,544 I, so here's, here's the thing is that like I would, uh, would 344 00:13:44,554 --> 00:13:45,225 compare to this. 345 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:49,705 I know a couple been in my life that are quite emotional, like 346 00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:51,565 emotional as in they, they are emotionally 347 00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:51,804 Natalie: in tune. 348 00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:53,495 Bryan: Well, they're emotionally in tune. 349 00:13:53,495 --> 00:13:54,644 I actually really think they do. 350 00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:56,225 They're really emotionally in tune with themselves, but 351 00:13:56,225 --> 00:13:59,825 they're also really, um, like outwardly expressive with their 352 00:13:59,825 --> 00:14:00,605 emotions, right? 353 00:14:00,605 --> 00:14:03,804 Like a guy I know will hear a song and it'll just hit him in 354 00:14:03,804 --> 00:14:04,184 his heart. 355 00:14:04,184 --> 00:14:05,664 And he's a, he's, this is the thing. 356 00:14:06,004 --> 00:14:10,014 He's an expressive manly guy, like, and he's super manly, but 357 00:14:10,014 --> 00:14:11,335 he's expressive on the outside. 358 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,544 And so that's not how I express emotion. 359 00:14:14,625 --> 00:14:15,065 Natalie: Right, 360 00:14:15,144 --> 00:14:15,495 Bryan: right. 361 00:14:15,595 --> 00:14:16,695 But that's how he does. 362 00:14:16,754 --> 00:14:17,024 Natalie: Right. 363 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,424 Bryan: And if I expected him to. 364 00:14:19,095 --> 00:14:22,245 If he expected me to do what he was going to do, and I was 365 00:14:22,245 --> 00:14:24,855 expecting him to do how I express emotion, we would both 366 00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:25,605 just be choked. 367 00:14:26,024 --> 00:14:29,534 And it's the same thing in our marriages is that Natalie like 368 00:14:29,904 --> 00:14:34,965 totally expresses her, the, the anger or the frustration or the, 369 00:14:35,195 --> 00:14:35,875 whatever's happening, 370 00:14:36,164 --> 00:14:37,205 Natalie: sadness, whatever, 371 00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:38,725 Bryan: it completely different than I will. 372 00:14:38,764 --> 00:14:41,235 And I can't, I can't have the expectation that you do it the 373 00:14:41,235 --> 00:14:43,654 same way that I do because my way is just completely 374 00:14:43,654 --> 00:14:43,985 different. 375 00:14:44,215 --> 00:14:46,345 Natalie: And for many years it was like that. 376 00:14:46,384 --> 00:14:48,995 Bryan: Yeah, we were expecting each other to, the love 377 00:14:48,995 --> 00:14:49,355 languages. 378 00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:49,695 Yeah. 379 00:14:49,695 --> 00:14:53,054 Natalie: And I was expecting him like, gosh, you're stone cold. 380 00:14:53,054 --> 00:14:54,615 And you're just, right. 381 00:14:54,615 --> 00:14:55,985 You're so hard. 382 00:14:55,985 --> 00:14:56,575 You still joke around 383 00:14:56,585 --> 00:15:01,735 Bryan: like that, but it's not, it's not that I'm emotionless at 384 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:01,945 all. 385 00:15:01,955 --> 00:15:04,284 Like I feel things just as deep as the next guy. 386 00:15:04,465 --> 00:15:04,754 Natalie: Right. 387 00:15:04,764 --> 00:15:06,315 You're just not as open about it. 388 00:15:06,355 --> 00:15:11,100 Bryan: What was, what was you, but I'm also like, Um, I don't 389 00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:13,019 need to process the same way that you do. 390 00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:13,559 Natalie: That's right. 391 00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:17,009 You are open with me about your feelings, but you just don't 392 00:15:17,629 --> 00:15:18,309 express it. 393 00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:18,950 Well, and I'm 394 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:19,570 Bryan: yeah. 395 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:19,769 Right. 396 00:15:19,769 --> 00:15:23,539 And I'm also not going to, um, let the emotions control me. 397 00:15:24,009 --> 00:15:26,070 And so I logically think my way through things, 398 00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:27,070 Natalie: right? 399 00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,860 As an emotional outputter. 400 00:15:30,879 --> 00:15:35,149 Um, that doesn't mean that we're not or that we're allowing our 401 00:15:35,149 --> 00:15:37,659 emotions to control us because we are processing them 402 00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:38,169 outwardly. 403 00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:42,879 So I just needed to say that, um, because I know I'm not 404 00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:43,250 alone. 405 00:15:43,279 --> 00:15:45,539 Bryan: I'm not saying this, but anyone else I'm saying for me, I 406 00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:47,519 just don't, yeah, there's some things that, yeah. 407 00:15:47,870 --> 00:15:48,309 Okay. 408 00:15:48,340 --> 00:15:50,039 The next one is social boundaries. 409 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,720 Natalie: And this includes social media boundaries. 410 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,190 This is our life now is social media. 411 00:15:55,889 --> 00:15:56,360 Bryan: Absolutely. 412 00:15:56,370 --> 00:15:58,379 It's a, it's an interesting, 413 00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:02,370 Natalie: so we think of social boundaries are social settings. 414 00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,710 So this is our friends, our family, right? 415 00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:09,950 Um, like extended family in laws, that whole gamut. 416 00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:13,570 And then the social media element of it is what am I 417 00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:14,679 choosing to. 418 00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:15,250 Yep. 419 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,049 Let in. 420 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:19,039 Remember we talked about this fence around our, our house 421 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:19,970 scenario. 422 00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:24,529 What am I choosing to engage in on social media? 423 00:16:24,590 --> 00:16:24,820 Bryan: Yep. 424 00:16:25,554 --> 00:16:26,965 Natalie: Are these healthy, 425 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:27,625 Bryan: right? 426 00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:28,014 Yeah. 427 00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:28,894 Natalie: Right. 428 00:16:28,945 --> 00:16:32,335 And so I think setting boundaries with, you know, 429 00:16:32,345 --> 00:16:37,085 communications on social media, because you know, um, we were 430 00:16:37,085 --> 00:16:38,004 talking about this earlier. 431 00:16:38,004 --> 00:16:42,054 What you put out there is out there and you might delete it 432 00:16:42,054 --> 00:16:43,865 and think, whew, it's gone. 433 00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:44,754 It ain't gone. 434 00:16:45,855 --> 00:16:46,455 It's not gone. 435 00:16:46,595 --> 00:16:46,855 Yeah. 436 00:16:46,914 --> 00:16:50,235 It can be, um, retracted. 437 00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:50,710 Yeah. 438 00:16:50,769 --> 00:16:51,580 Is that the right word? 439 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:58,289 So I think making sure that, you know, with the intro that Brian 440 00:16:58,289 --> 00:17:02,679 was saying about, about these scenarios that celebrities and 441 00:17:02,679 --> 00:17:07,079 politicians and people who are just out there on social media 442 00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:13,279 have, um, and in social settings can be really detrimental if you 443 00:17:13,289 --> 00:17:15,765 do not have strict boundaries in place for, you know, 444 00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:16,865 Bryan: Yep. 445 00:17:17,345 --> 00:17:17,914 Absolutely. 446 00:17:17,914 --> 00:17:18,184 I agree. 447 00:17:18,724 --> 00:17:21,805 And we have something in our house too, where our kids that 448 00:17:21,805 --> 00:17:23,615 are under 18, we're allowed to look at their phone whenever 449 00:17:23,615 --> 00:17:24,015 they want. 450 00:17:24,424 --> 00:17:27,714 Natalie has access to my phone, my emails, my church email, 451 00:17:27,765 --> 00:17:29,204 anything that she needs at any time. 452 00:17:29,585 --> 00:17:31,845 And, and it's not that she doesn't trust me and it's not 453 00:17:31,845 --> 00:17:32,775 that I don't trust her. 454 00:17:33,164 --> 00:17:38,444 It's because I don't want to give her any reason to doubt or 455 00:17:38,444 --> 00:17:39,944 to have shade cast. 456 00:17:40,464 --> 00:17:40,934 Right. 457 00:17:41,035 --> 00:17:41,335 Right. 458 00:17:43,734 --> 00:17:50,375 Natalie: I use my phone a lot and, and I'm not out looking at 459 00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:55,575 weird, gross, scandalous, whatever things, but I'm also 460 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:59,694 aware what are they, if they're like, Oh mom, I don't, you know, 461 00:17:59,694 --> 00:18:02,174 what was, um, you know, on Instagram or whatever. 462 00:18:02,174 --> 00:18:04,585 And they opened my Instagram and it's just a bunch of crap on 463 00:18:04,585 --> 00:18:04,875 there. 464 00:18:06,025 --> 00:18:07,875 I also am mindful of that. 465 00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:08,325 Right. 466 00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:08,714 Right. 467 00:18:08,765 --> 00:18:10,904 So like making sure that. 468 00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:16,190 Um, what I'm choosing to take in on a social media element is 469 00:18:16,349 --> 00:18:17,009 appropriate. 470 00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:18,569 Bryan: Absolutely. 471 00:18:18,569 --> 00:18:21,069 And so going from social, we go to financial boundaries. 472 00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:23,519 Natalie: Well, did we talk about just, I mean, I know we really 473 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:26,130 focused on the social media part, but just the social 474 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:30,000 boundaries of really making sure that you have things in place. 475 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,819 And we talked about this at Christmas time when it was, um, 476 00:18:32,819 --> 00:18:37,470 dealing with family and the expectations of, um, your space 477 00:18:37,559 --> 00:18:40,609 and invading that space, really making sure that the people, 478 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,119 whether they're family. 479 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:48,759 Um, or not healthy boundaries as far as like, no, and, and if you 480 00:18:48,759 --> 00:18:51,220 have that relationship where your family can just come and 481 00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:54,940 waltz in whenever they please and, and then good on you. 482 00:18:55,460 --> 00:19:00,009 Um, uh, we don't, and, uh, we won't, right. 483 00:19:00,190 --> 00:19:03,039 And though we have an excellent relationship with, um, Brian's 484 00:19:03,049 --> 00:19:06,289 family, there's still respect, right? 485 00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:06,940 For our boundaries. 486 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:07,309 Bryan: Yeah. 487 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:10,609 So social boundaries, moving on to financial boundaries, uh, 488 00:19:10,609 --> 00:19:13,500 we're creating budgets, you're discussing the spending habits. 489 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,069 There's oftentimes in a relationship, a spender and a 490 00:19:16,069 --> 00:19:16,559 saver. 491 00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:21,000 Um, and you want to decide, decide as much as you can at a 492 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:21,210 time. 493 00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:24,440 And it's interesting cause there's two, two of the main 494 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,869 reasons that people get divorced. 495 00:19:26,335 --> 00:19:28,775 are finances and lack of communication. 496 00:19:29,204 --> 00:19:32,335 It's funny because it's a lack of communication about finances 497 00:19:32,335 --> 00:19:34,424 that leads to the fact that they're not communicating, so 498 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,575 they end up getting divorced because they're not talking 499 00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:37,164 about that. 500 00:19:37,585 --> 00:19:37,845 And sex 501 00:19:38,384 --> 00:19:39,394 Natalie: is the third one, just saying. 502 00:19:39,414 --> 00:19:42,154 Bryan: Yeah, well, and I'm 100 percent sure that those stats 503 00:19:42,154 --> 00:19:43,204 have probably changed by now. 504 00:19:43,559 --> 00:19:45,759 Uh, things of this different, but the financial boundaries, 505 00:19:45,779 --> 00:19:47,680 you need to communicate about your boundaries. 506 00:19:47,730 --> 00:19:48,150 Natalie: Yes. 507 00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:54,230 And, um, if you have addictive patterns in regarding to 508 00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,180 finances, right where, um, 509 00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:58,930 Bryan: you're going to get married and he has 30, 000 in 510 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:00,049 credit card that you didn't know about. 511 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:00,839 Natalie: Exactly. 512 00:20:00,839 --> 00:20:01,089 Right. 513 00:20:01,089 --> 00:20:02,730 You need to really talk about that. 514 00:20:02,730 --> 00:20:03,539 Student loan debts. 515 00:20:03,539 --> 00:20:03,980 Bryan: Yeah. 516 00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:06,470 Natalie: Yeah. 517 00:20:06,470 --> 00:20:06,869 Right. 518 00:20:06,910 --> 00:20:08,059 Like a weed problem. 519 00:20:08,059 --> 00:20:09,980 Bryan: You're just spending a hundred dollars a week on, on 520 00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:12,170 smoking weed or cigarettes or cigars or 521 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:12,490 Natalie: right. 522 00:20:12,529 --> 00:20:19,000 So these are huge, um, issues and then some financial, uh, 523 00:20:19,109 --> 00:20:22,609 struggles end up coming later on such as fertility issues and 524 00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:23,319 things like that. 525 00:20:23,329 --> 00:20:25,259 And so you can't plan. 526 00:20:26,345 --> 00:20:29,815 Well, I mean, I would plan worst case scenario, but I don't think 527 00:20:29,815 --> 00:20:31,394 I'm the norm population. 528 00:20:31,454 --> 00:20:36,805 I think the majority of people plan for the future, but they 529 00:20:36,805 --> 00:20:40,325 don't take every single thing that could go wrong into, into 530 00:20:40,325 --> 00:20:41,825 consideration when they're doing so. 531 00:20:41,855 --> 00:20:42,095 Right. 532 00:20:42,505 --> 00:20:47,434 So, I mean, we do, uh, a zero based budget. 533 00:20:48,055 --> 00:20:54,984 So our money is allotted to, Specific areas, um, and we have 534 00:20:54,984 --> 00:20:59,224 it all listed and, um, we work out of that. 535 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:04,255 So we work within our two week paychecks and we categorize and 536 00:21:04,255 --> 00:21:09,785 we organize where the money goes and like, this is how much we 537 00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:12,515 have for groceries and this is for gas and this is for this and 538 00:21:12,515 --> 00:21:13,204 that and the other. 539 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:15,914 And um, that's it. 540 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,390 The rest, you know, is credit card debt and their savings. 541 00:21:18,420 --> 00:21:22,559 And that's it for the next paid till the next pay period. 542 00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:23,160 Right. 543 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:28,210 So, um, we haven't always done a zero based budget. 544 00:21:28,230 --> 00:21:31,990 We have tried multiple different things and hopefully this will 545 00:21:32,029 --> 00:21:36,279 stick and this will, you know, kind of work, but ever evolving. 546 00:21:36,279 --> 00:21:36,789 Right, 547 00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:37,210 Bryan: right. 548 00:21:37,210 --> 00:21:38,500 Natalie: We have to be talking about it. 549 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:41,849 Bryan: So financial boundaries moving on to. 550 00:21:42,414 --> 00:21:45,194 And our next one is going to be talking about setting and 551 00:21:45,194 --> 00:21:47,035 maintaining these boundaries. 552 00:21:47,325 --> 00:21:51,714 What we're going to do, um, is we're going to move, and this is 553 00:21:51,714 --> 00:21:53,575 going to end up being two, because I feel like the, the 554 00:21:53,575 --> 00:21:55,244 next, this is going to be two episodes. 555 00:21:55,244 --> 00:21:58,454 So the next one is going to be on the three that we're looking 556 00:21:58,464 --> 00:22:00,894 to talk about is communication, sexual boundaries, and spiritual 557 00:22:00,894 --> 00:22:01,295 boundaries. 558 00:22:01,744 --> 00:22:04,484 And those are really important and we don't want to, Move too 559 00:22:04,484 --> 00:22:04,984 quickly. 560 00:22:05,095 --> 00:22:05,424 Right. 561 00:22:05,494 --> 00:22:08,224 And so we're just going to talk about maintaining and take a few 562 00:22:08,224 --> 00:22:10,005 minutes here and just talk about how we set some of these 563 00:22:10,005 --> 00:22:10,355 boundaries. 564 00:22:10,355 --> 00:22:14,585 So Natalie, how would we set a really good boundary in, in, in 565 00:22:14,585 --> 00:22:14,924 a marriage? 566 00:22:14,924 --> 00:22:15,375 What have we done? 567 00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:15,555 I mean, I 568 00:22:15,555 --> 00:22:19,964 Natalie: feel like we sound like a broken record, but open 569 00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:23,464 communication and we honestly had to learn how to communicate 570 00:22:23,464 --> 00:22:24,005 properly. 571 00:22:24,035 --> 00:22:24,414 Right. 572 00:22:24,815 --> 00:22:27,174 Um, and we tried all different kinds of methods. 573 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,690 Um, if you've been a long time listener, um, that didn't work. 574 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:35,039 So we had to one, um, just be honest. 575 00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:40,200 Bryan: You can't, you can't do without honesty, right? 576 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,660 Natalie: We don't have all the answers. 577 00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:48,769 We don't have all the right language or lingo to be able to 578 00:22:48,769 --> 00:22:52,119 express ourselves perfectly every single time. 579 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:56,049 But one thing that we've aimed to be is clear. 580 00:22:56,930 --> 00:23:02,390 And direct and clearly state the Y. 581 00:23:02,670 --> 00:23:03,009 Bryan: Yeah, 582 00:23:03,250 --> 00:23:04,079 Natalie: to the boundary. 583 00:23:04,089 --> 00:23:05,210 Bryan: Yeah, absolutely. 584 00:23:05,369 --> 00:23:05,740 Natalie: Right. 585 00:23:05,779 --> 00:23:07,829 And being as clear as we can. 586 00:23:07,829 --> 00:23:12,950 And there's nothing wrong with asking for Um, clarification and 587 00:23:12,950 --> 00:23:18,000 we have, it just avoids, um, an argument potentially later on 588 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:18,589 down the road. 589 00:23:18,619 --> 00:23:19,990 It avoids mixed messages, 590 00:23:20,259 --> 00:23:23,670 Bryan: which is a good, it's a good tool to have in your tool 591 00:23:23,670 --> 00:23:24,329 belt anyway. 592 00:23:24,329 --> 00:23:27,180 And then in communication with your friends, like, um, when I'm 593 00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:29,910 having a discussion with my friend, Nathan, we'll be talking 594 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,160 about like theology or we'll talk about how we hate this 595 00:23:32,170 --> 00:23:34,119 movie or whatever it happens to be. 596 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:35,779 We're sitting around talking and he'd be like, no, no, no. 597 00:23:36,039 --> 00:23:37,059 What do you mean by that? 598 00:23:37,569 --> 00:23:39,390 Like, I don't understand what you meant by that. 599 00:23:40,009 --> 00:23:43,630 Or like even identifying the feeling like, Hey, you, it 600 00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:47,769 sounds like you're being frustrated to say, and then it 601 00:23:47,769 --> 00:23:52,369 gives you an open and a question to ask like, Hey, this is the 602 00:23:52,369 --> 00:23:53,569 thing that I'm feeling right now. 603 00:23:53,950 --> 00:23:56,940 And you're like, Oh, well he, he or she is like, I see that. 604 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:57,500 I could say that. 605 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:58,690 And if not, it sounds like you're mad. 606 00:23:59,244 --> 00:24:00,085 What are we mad about? 607 00:24:00,384 --> 00:24:00,654 Right. 608 00:24:00,654 --> 00:24:02,914 And knowing that, like I'm secure enough in the 609 00:24:02,914 --> 00:24:05,765 relationship now, I would say that when I asked that question, 610 00:24:05,765 --> 00:24:06,295 Hey, what are you mad? 611 00:24:06,295 --> 00:24:07,184 I know that it's not me. 612 00:24:07,184 --> 00:24:08,954 It used to be like, I'd be sitting in the corner. 613 00:24:08,954 --> 00:24:09,845 We're like, man, you 614 00:24:09,845 --> 00:24:10,115 Natalie: don't know. 615 00:24:10,214 --> 00:24:10,984 I'm not telling you. 616 00:24:10,984 --> 00:24:11,819 Yeah. 617 00:24:11,819 --> 00:24:15,775 Bryan: That is a cultural, um, marriage thing that needs to be 618 00:24:15,775 --> 00:24:16,255 killed. 619 00:24:16,275 --> 00:24:19,634 And women, you should never do that to men and men don't try 620 00:24:19,634 --> 00:24:19,984 and guess. 621 00:24:19,984 --> 00:24:21,265 Cause you get yourself into more trouble. 622 00:24:21,865 --> 00:24:24,095 Natalie: And if you're the reverse and men. 623 00:24:24,174 --> 00:24:25,147 If you don't know. 624 00:24:25,147 --> 00:24:29,224 If your man is doing that, then, um, that's, that's equally, 625 00:24:29,805 --> 00:24:31,565 that's a no no, and don't do that. 626 00:24:31,585 --> 00:24:33,884 And it's not up to your, um, 627 00:24:33,964 --> 00:24:35,424 Bryan: wife to 628 00:24:35,424 --> 00:24:36,765 Natalie: try to figure that out. 629 00:24:36,765 --> 00:24:38,914 Bryan: Never in the history of humankind has there ever been a 630 00:24:38,914 --> 00:24:40,884 person that's been able to read another person's mind. 631 00:24:41,884 --> 00:24:43,085 And so it's actually impossible. 632 00:24:43,085 --> 00:24:44,734 So you want to be clear, direct. 633 00:24:44,744 --> 00:24:46,444 Do you want to respect your, I love that respect. 634 00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,255 You're supposed to boundary 635 00:24:47,255 --> 00:24:49,894 Natalie: that's, I mean, duh, what is it? 636 00:24:49,964 --> 00:24:50,855 Mark, Mark 637 00:24:50,855 --> 00:24:52,474 Bryan: Gungor all the time. 638 00:24:52,765 --> 00:24:55,994 Uh, this is, he says this to guys, he says this to guys, uh, 639 00:24:56,015 --> 00:24:57,595 Mark Gungor, laugh your way to better marriage. 640 00:24:57,595 --> 00:24:58,525 Amazing training. 641 00:24:59,025 --> 00:25:00,625 Uh, he says, be nice to the girl. 642 00:25:01,855 --> 00:25:02,924 And can I 643 00:25:02,924 --> 00:25:04,055 Natalie: say be nice to the guy? 644 00:25:04,164 --> 00:25:04,924 Bryan: Be nice to the guy. 645 00:25:04,964 --> 00:25:05,075 Yeah. 646 00:25:05,454 --> 00:25:06,404 Respect the man. 647 00:25:06,404 --> 00:25:07,154 Love the woman. 648 00:25:07,474 --> 00:25:10,404 Um, do what you got to do, but you have to have boundaries and 649 00:25:10,404 --> 00:25:11,244 you need to respect them. 650 00:25:11,244 --> 00:25:13,154 And there are boundaries in every relationship. 651 00:25:13,174 --> 00:25:16,535 Even if, even if they're not healthy boundaries, there's 652 00:25:16,535 --> 00:25:17,065 boundaries. 653 00:25:17,585 --> 00:25:17,994 Natalie: Yeah, 654 00:25:18,174 --> 00:25:20,654 Bryan: right like they could be you could have like 10 really 655 00:25:20,654 --> 00:25:23,184 good boundaries in each other's relationships And your guys are 656 00:25:23,184 --> 00:25:26,085 this flying but then there's three that are twisted that you 657 00:25:26,085 --> 00:25:29,065 just don't know are like oh That's not the right boundary, 658 00:25:29,464 --> 00:25:29,734 right? 659 00:25:30,494 --> 00:25:32,035 But they could be good boundaries. 660 00:25:32,035 --> 00:25:34,184 It could be bad boundaries, but you want to respect each other 661 00:25:35,470 --> 00:25:39,519 Natalie: And hopefully the, the, the, the not so healthy 662 00:25:39,519 --> 00:25:42,355 boundaries, there's an awareness, there's a self 663 00:25:42,355 --> 00:25:44,890 awareness, whether it's through counseling or someone brings it 664 00:25:44,890 --> 00:25:49,029 to your attention or you come to that self realization, there's, 665 00:25:49,220 --> 00:25:57,460 it's not a lost cause, um, but you don't get, how do I word 666 00:25:57,460 --> 00:25:57,650 this? 667 00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:03,369 You don't have to like it because the boundary is not 668 00:26:03,490 --> 00:26:04,180 about you. 669 00:26:04,190 --> 00:26:05,079 The boundary is about me. 670 00:26:05,150 --> 00:26:05,420 Bryan: Yeah. 671 00:26:06,430 --> 00:26:08,730 I would say too that a common. 672 00:26:10,164 --> 00:26:13,414 Thing in marriage is that there's some things in our 673 00:26:13,414 --> 00:26:20,315 relationship that we disagree on, but they're not like a major 674 00:26:20,315 --> 00:26:21,134 deal breaker things. 675 00:26:21,144 --> 00:26:24,865 It's not like, I want to be a different religion than you, or 676 00:26:25,204 --> 00:26:28,085 I think it's okay to, to like be a heavy drinker. 677 00:26:28,085 --> 00:26:29,095 And you're like, no, that's not good. 678 00:26:29,095 --> 00:26:31,634 Or like, you know, like just, there's things that we just 679 00:26:31,644 --> 00:26:32,644 disagree on that are minor. 680 00:26:32,974 --> 00:26:35,744 I think for the most part, we always agree on the majors and 681 00:26:35,744 --> 00:26:38,674 when we're, we're working through these things. 682 00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:43,849 Like, we may not agree, but we can say to each other, I agree 683 00:26:43,849 --> 00:26:45,359 to disagree with you on this. 684 00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:46,269 Natalie: Yeah. 685 00:26:46,269 --> 00:26:48,670 And let's talk about that word agreement. 686 00:26:49,599 --> 00:26:55,910 It's not about trying to beat my point to death to get you to 687 00:26:55,910 --> 00:27:00,130 finally understand or to, to stand with me in my conviction 688 00:27:00,130 --> 00:27:01,900 or to stand with me in my decision. 689 00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:04,559 Communications about seeking to understand, 690 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,109 Bryan: to understand the other person, right? 691 00:27:06,309 --> 00:27:08,500 Natalie: I honestly don't care if you agree with me or not. 692 00:27:08,599 --> 00:27:08,890 Bryan: Sometimes. 693 00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:12,079 Natalie: I just want you to understand 694 00:27:13,230 --> 00:27:13,450 Bryan: my 695 00:27:13,450 --> 00:27:15,400 Natalie: perspective and where I'm coming from. 696 00:27:15,519 --> 00:27:17,299 I'm not asking you to agree with me. 697 00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,289 Bryan: And, and the thing is, is that there's a, I think it's Zig 698 00:27:20,289 --> 00:27:20,819 Ziglar. 699 00:27:21,279 --> 00:27:24,220 He wrote a book and he said, most people listen with the 700 00:27:24,220 --> 00:27:27,279 intent to respond, not with the intent to understand. 701 00:27:27,809 --> 00:27:28,440 Natalie: Oh, no. 702 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:29,589 Truer words have been spoken. 703 00:27:30,109 --> 00:27:31,980 Well, yes, they're probably truer words, 704 00:27:31,990 --> 00:27:35,470 Bryan: but, but, but for this context, yeah, no, no, no. 705 00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:37,500 But it is extremely true. 706 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:40,200 Sometimes in an argument, I'm heated enough that I'm not 707 00:27:40,210 --> 00:27:42,450 listening to understand what Natalie is saying to me. 708 00:27:42,740 --> 00:27:44,990 I'm listening to, I have a really good response and it's 709 00:27:45,059 --> 00:27:47,579 going to Trump her and I'm going to win this argument and I'm 710 00:27:47,579 --> 00:27:48,519 going to be the man. 711 00:27:48,819 --> 00:27:51,940 And really all it does is it drives, oftentimes it drives a 712 00:27:51,940 --> 00:27:54,849 wedge further between you in that exact moment. 713 00:27:55,210 --> 00:27:55,500 Natalie: Right. 714 00:27:55,519 --> 00:27:59,029 Because I'm a bigger person now and I'll just not engage. 715 00:27:59,079 --> 00:27:59,380 Right. 716 00:27:59,509 --> 00:28:00,470 And I won't take the bait. 717 00:28:00,950 --> 00:28:01,140 Bryan: Yeah. 718 00:28:01,289 --> 00:28:02,619 And vice versa. 719 00:28:02,869 --> 00:28:03,099 Which 720 00:28:03,099 --> 00:28:05,190 Natalie: leads, I mean, this just couldn't get any better. 721 00:28:05,220 --> 00:28:05,569 Right? 722 00:28:05,910 --> 00:28:07,529 It segues into consequences. 723 00:28:08,170 --> 00:28:08,470 Well, 724 00:28:08,789 --> 00:28:08,980 Bryan: it's funny. 725 00:28:08,980 --> 00:28:09,349 I'm going to choose 726 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,480 Natalie: to opt out of the game that you're playing and not play 727 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:12,690 it. 728 00:28:12,710 --> 00:28:13,009 Bryan: Yeah. 729 00:28:13,349 --> 00:28:13,740 When it comes 730 00:28:13,839 --> 00:28:14,099 Natalie: to boundaries. 731 00:28:14,099 --> 00:28:16,240 Bryan: And then when you're trying to bait me and I don't. 732 00:28:16,704 --> 00:28:20,144 And if I don't, then it'll honestly, it'll fizzle out. 733 00:28:20,755 --> 00:28:21,144 But 734 00:28:21,615 --> 00:28:21,984 Natalie: if I 735 00:28:22,015 --> 00:28:24,744 Bryan: do respond and we end up in a fight for some reason, the 736 00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:26,154 consequences are quite evident. 737 00:28:26,184 --> 00:28:27,974 We're uncomfortable for a while. 738 00:28:28,414 --> 00:28:29,464 We could be angry. 739 00:28:29,464 --> 00:28:32,555 We're, we're esteemed about whatever happens to be going on. 740 00:28:32,555 --> 00:28:35,555 Maybe I said something I should have and the consequences are, 741 00:28:35,734 --> 00:28:38,105 The fact that we've just created a rift in the relationship 742 00:28:38,204 --> 00:28:40,625 unnecessarily because I want to respond not to understand. 743 00:28:40,674 --> 00:28:41,025 Natalie: Right. 744 00:28:41,115 --> 00:28:43,615 And which created undue stress for both of us. 745 00:28:43,674 --> 00:28:47,585 And then we have children, which creates a whole set of anxiety 746 00:28:47,585 --> 00:28:48,404 issues for them. 747 00:28:48,464 --> 00:28:50,934 Bryan: And I would say that if you're looking with the intent 748 00:28:50,944 --> 00:28:55,434 to respond and not understand, you're more willing to overcome 749 00:28:55,434 --> 00:28:59,134 the, or to step over a boundary to get that response out, not 750 00:28:59,134 --> 00:28:59,914 the understanding. 751 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:05,410 I'm, I'm willing to step over your boundary if I'm only 752 00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:07,299 wanting to respond to you, never to understand you. 753 00:29:07,359 --> 00:29:07,970 Natalie: Oh, okay. 754 00:29:07,990 --> 00:29:08,339 Bryan: Right. 755 00:29:08,759 --> 00:29:09,369 That make more sense? 756 00:29:09,369 --> 00:29:09,589 Yes. 757 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:10,390 Yeah, absolutely. 758 00:29:10,420 --> 00:29:13,509 Natalie: Um, but there are consequences. 759 00:29:13,849 --> 00:29:14,210 Bryan: Right. 760 00:29:14,309 --> 00:29:15,289 Natalie: There's a lack of trust. 761 00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:19,000 So it's not just like a physical consequence of, well, I'm going 762 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,509 into this room then. 763 00:29:21,089 --> 00:29:22,269 I mean, yes, sometimes. 764 00:29:22,845 --> 00:29:27,404 I need to cool my jets and I need to go into a different 765 00:29:27,404 --> 00:29:29,865 space and there's nothing wrong with that. 766 00:29:30,154 --> 00:29:33,934 But there's times where it's, it's an emotional, um, 767 00:29:33,964 --> 00:29:39,805 consequence or there's a mental consequence or, um, the 768 00:29:39,805 --> 00:29:43,414 consequences I've checked out or you've checked out, or we're 769 00:29:43,414 --> 00:29:45,045 just not even willing to talk to each other. 770 00:29:45,234 --> 00:29:45,515 Right. 771 00:29:45,545 --> 00:29:45,914 Right. 772 00:29:45,954 --> 00:29:47,164 Those are consequences. 773 00:29:47,164 --> 00:29:50,984 You need to discuss, Hey, these are my concretes. 774 00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:56,075 And these are the things that are not going to be tolerated. 775 00:29:56,075 --> 00:29:56,434 Right. 776 00:29:57,234 --> 00:30:01,255 Bryan: And here's the thing is that, um, We've learned as well 777 00:30:01,255 --> 00:30:05,134 in our marriage is that you can actually compromise. 778 00:30:06,075 --> 00:30:06,644 Natalie: Oh, yeah. 779 00:30:06,644 --> 00:30:09,994 And we've done that on a lot of different things because, you 780 00:30:09,994 --> 00:30:17,214 know, you just don't realize how, um, maybe, oh, we might get 781 00:30:17,214 --> 00:30:18,194 into that one more. 782 00:30:18,194 --> 00:30:20,944 When we talked about the sexual expectations or the sexual, 783 00:30:21,005 --> 00:30:21,595 Boundaries. 784 00:30:21,724 --> 00:30:22,065 Bryan: Right. 785 00:30:22,305 --> 00:30:24,914 But like thinking like boundaries do change. 786 00:30:25,204 --> 00:30:31,255 Like as you grow, you mature, you, uh, job shift, hearts 787 00:30:31,265 --> 00:30:31,585 change. 788 00:30:31,615 --> 00:30:33,384 Like you just, you grow and mature really. 789 00:30:33,384 --> 00:30:34,055 It's growing mature. 790 00:30:34,085 --> 00:30:34,724 That's the goal. 791 00:30:34,964 --> 00:30:37,984 And, and the boundaries will change as, as you have different 792 00:30:37,984 --> 00:30:38,664 expectations. 793 00:30:39,134 --> 00:30:42,355 Um, but, Oh, I love this line. 794 00:30:42,375 --> 00:30:43,625 Be open to negotiation. 795 00:30:43,664 --> 00:30:46,305 I don't, I remember we went through the stage where we were 796 00:30:46,305 --> 00:30:46,825 bargaining. 797 00:30:47,194 --> 00:30:47,865 I'll do this. 798 00:30:48,224 --> 00:30:49,095 If you do this. 799 00:30:49,474 --> 00:30:49,694 It was, 800 00:30:50,025 --> 00:30:51,055 Natalie: and it really 801 00:30:51,075 --> 00:30:52,515 Bryan: worked and it was super fun. 802 00:30:52,575 --> 00:30:53,224 Natalie: It was. 803 00:30:53,565 --> 00:30:58,365 Um, so yeah, it's not that, you know, we're compromising by, um, 804 00:30:58,515 --> 00:31:04,125 sabotaging or, um, like you said, not respecting and just 805 00:31:04,644 --> 00:31:06,845 crossing over the boundary line. 806 00:31:06,855 --> 00:31:08,875 This is not what we're talking about when we're saying willing 807 00:31:08,875 --> 00:31:09,634 to compromise. 808 00:31:09,795 --> 00:31:10,204 No. 809 00:31:10,515 --> 00:31:12,734 Coming to a place of that understanding. 810 00:31:13,214 --> 00:31:18,204 And of, of like, is this a diehard boundary or is this one 811 00:31:18,204 --> 00:31:20,944 that has some wiggle room for some bargaining in there? 812 00:31:21,515 --> 00:31:22,434 Bryan: That's a really good point. 813 00:31:23,654 --> 00:31:30,375 I think, I think almost most things, most things have space 814 00:31:30,375 --> 00:31:34,984 to negotiate space to compromise space to go most things. 815 00:31:34,984 --> 00:31:37,125 I wouldn't say all things cause that would be kind of silly to 816 00:31:37,125 --> 00:31:37,994 make that an absolute. 817 00:31:38,444 --> 00:31:43,505 But if you are so willing to die on a certain hill, um, it 818 00:31:43,505 --> 00:31:44,505 actually causes. 819 00:31:45,869 --> 00:31:48,019 More rift between you and your spouse. 820 00:31:48,299 --> 00:31:52,000 Natalie: Do I think it, you can't, we can't generalize it 821 00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:52,349 though. 822 00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:52,789 Bryan: No. 823 00:31:52,849 --> 00:31:53,079 Natalie: Right. 824 00:31:53,079 --> 00:31:53,694 Cause it's, it's. 825 00:31:54,065 --> 00:31:57,914 Bryan: It's so specific to every couple and what your values are 826 00:31:57,914 --> 00:32:00,434 and what you care about and the things that you're fighting for 827 00:32:00,434 --> 00:32:01,255 in your relationship. 828 00:32:01,285 --> 00:32:03,515 Natalie: I think, I think within each of the ones that we've 829 00:32:03,515 --> 00:32:06,125 talked about and especially the ones we're going into, there are 830 00:32:06,125 --> 00:32:08,085 some concrete things that are non negotiable. 831 00:32:08,095 --> 00:32:08,884 Bryan: Yeah, absolutely. 832 00:32:09,065 --> 00:32:09,434 Natalie: Right. 833 00:32:09,444 --> 00:32:10,375 Yeah, absolutely. 834 00:32:10,375 --> 00:32:10,509 Bryan: Yeah. 835 00:32:10,609 --> 00:32:13,319 Um, that was, that was a really great conversation. 836 00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:16,569 It's a good start to our, uh, our boundaries, eh? 837 00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:17,339 Natalie: Yes. 838 00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:19,369 I'm, I'm really excited for this. 839 00:32:19,670 --> 00:32:20,230 Bryan: Absolutely. 840 00:32:20,250 --> 00:32:25,259 If you like our podcast, it really means a lot to us when 841 00:32:25,259 --> 00:32:28,480 you share it, you let people know about Amplified Marriage. 842 00:32:28,490 --> 00:32:31,720 You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook, uh, you hear the 843 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:32,390 say this all the time. 844 00:32:32,390 --> 00:32:34,559 You can go to our website at amplifiedmarriage. 845 00:32:35,029 --> 00:32:38,380 ca, uh, at the bottom on the right hand side, there is a 846 00:32:38,410 --> 00:32:39,650 little voicemail tab. 847 00:32:39,650 --> 00:32:40,039 You can actually. 848 00:32:40,710 --> 00:32:42,880 Hit that button, record a question and we'd love to hear 849 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,650 from you, but if you do have a topic or a question or anything 850 00:32:45,650 --> 00:32:49,869 you'd like to discuss, please email us, send us a DM, but you 851 00:32:49,869 --> 00:32:51,849 can email us at AmplifyMarriage at gmail. 852 00:32:51,890 --> 00:32:52,230 com. 853 00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,430 And as you hear us say all the time, we believe this with all 854 00:32:55,430 --> 00:32:56,769 of our heart because it happened to us. 855 00:32:56,769 --> 00:32:59,240 We believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, 856 00:32:59,269 --> 00:32:59,859 recharged, 857 00:32:59,910 --> 00:33:00,700 Natalie: and restored. 858 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:01,480 Thanks for listening. 859 00:33:01,490 --> 00:33:02,250 Talk to you soon.