Bryan: Picture this.
Bryan: You pull up the latest viral story on your phone.
Bryan: Maybe it's a celebrity caught in a social media feud or a politician whose private messages expose deeply held secrets.
Bryan: We devour these stories with a morbid fascination.
Bryan: There's a fall from grace, there's exposure, there's a public outcry.
Bryan: It's a stark reminder that privacy is a precious thing.
Bryan: And that a lack of boundaries can have devastating consequences.
Natalie: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
Natalie: I'm Natalie.
Bryan: I'm Brian.
Natalie: You hear us say this every podcast, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, grab a coffee, grab a tea, a snack, some popcorn, cozy blanket.
Natalie: We're so glad you joined us for our chat today.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: Today we are actually going back to a that we've discussed briefly, briefly discussed.
Bryan: We had two episodes in our very first season a long time ago, uh, on boundaries in particular, and we're going to be discussing, uh, today, a deeper dive into boundaries and going a lot further and the different types.
Bryan: So we talked about physical and emotional, um, And we want to get really deep into this'cause we have some topics coming up.
Bryan: We have, uh, some counselors that we're gonna be bringing on onto the, the episode or our, sorry, onto the podcast just to have a chat with us about boundaries in regarding children, um, moving forward.
Bryan: So we have some really good things going on.
Bryan: We have been away.
Bryan: Uh, I know it's been a long time since we've had a podcast, but we've January.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: We, uh, we had a
Natalie: lot happen.
Bryan: Yeah, we had a lot happen.
Bryan: So.
Natalie: Right after our last podcast, the end of January,
Bryan: near the end of January, we were getting ready.
Bryan: The week that we would have recorded, we would, we had
Natalie: to put our dog down.
Natalie: So if you're a dog person, we had a golden retriever.
Natalie: Her name is Molly.
Natalie: And, uh, she just had a really aggressive nasal cancer.
Natalie: And so the prognosis was quite grim, actually, by the time that we had found out, um, he, she was supposed to have been gone long before she did.
Natalie: And so I'm so grateful to God for answering our prayers and the kids prayers for sustaining her over Christmas.
Natalie: That was kind of the big thing was.
Natalie: Please let her not die over Christmas.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: And, and I didn't want her to die here because that's just traumatizing.
Natalie: So,
Bryan: and then in the middle of all that, um, we had right after that happened, the play, we had to play.
Natalie: You went to Mexico before the play.
Natalie: That's
Bryan: right.
Bryan: I had to go to Mexico.
Bryan: We have about 10 churches in Mexico that our church in Canada has planted over the last 30 years.
Bryan: And so, um, my lead pastor and I had to go down and make a trip to Mexico.
Bryan: just to connect with all the pastors after COVID.
Bryan: And then we had the play come up, which is two weeks of just consistent every evening, every day, all day it's intense.
Bryan: And so, uh, with six performances or five performances and then tech week before that, and then church, and then we got into Easter and baptisms and it's just been a really busy time, but we're back.
Natalie: Yes.
Natalie: Oh my word.
Natalie: Long story short, we've had a lot go on in the last two months.
Natalie: And we, I didn't want to know that Brian as well, just don't want to put out content for the sake of shoot our week is here.
Natalie: We really want to make sure that we spend some time thinking about it, talking it through, praying about it so that it's.
Natalie: It's, um, valuable to you listeners.
Natalie: So in a nutshell,
Bryan: that's been the last of well, so we want to talk about, uh, boundaries and marriages and boundaries and relationships.
Bryan: And some of the things we're going to be talking about today are going to be tools in your toolbox that we will be good for more than just your marriage.
Bryan: But we are going to focus on the marriage cause we're a relationship podcast and that's where we want to go with this.
Bryan: And so, um, There is a reason that there are boundaries and there's a reason that there's a thousand books on boundaries, Christian books, non Christian books that there is just so much content.
Bryan: There's about boundaries.
Bryan: There's a reason because what the one person who doesn't want a healthy boundary is the one that struggles with boundaries.
Natalie: I would agree.
Bryan: The one that wants to put a boundary on it generally is doing it for good reasons, like healthy reasons and less trying or at least trying to, there is such thing as, as unhealthy manipulative boundaries that people are putting in place to get to control you, to get you to do certain things.
Bryan: But that's not where we want to go today.
Bryan: Today we want to talk about healthy marriages need to have boundaries and healthy boundaries.
Bryan: And the reason being is that those will protect the relationship.
Bryan: Okay.
Bryan: So they'll protect the well being of the, of the marriage.
Bryan: They'll protect the connection to each other and that connection to your children.
Bryan: If you happen to have children,
Natalie: exactly.
Natalie: I think about it like you're building a fence
Bryan: right
Natalie: around your house, and it's not You To shut myself out from whatever's beyond the fence.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: But it really is to define my personal space.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: Um, and it's up to me to decide what I choose to let in and who I choose to let in and who and what I choose to keep out.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And if you like, if you look at any.
Bryan: Um, type of where you're going to grow the most.
Bryan: There's stability, there's, there's, uh, security, there's a direction you need to go.
Bryan: So boundaries, they really are there to just help you grow and they help you change and they help you do that within the safety of the specific rules, specific parameters.
Bryan: Exactly.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And so I just
Natalie: thought of this.
Natalie: It's, it's like, you know, when you're in a garden and there, there are weeds and weeds will grow anywhere.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Toxic people, unhealthy people will be everywhere in surrounding us in our lives.
Natalie: We and they will definitely choke out the good growth and the good progress and the good decisions that you're making if you're not careful.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: So when we think of boundaries, we're essentially doing a weeding of our own, um,
Bryan: Right.
Natalie: And we'll get into sort of, we'll break it down.
Natalie: I hope that made sense.
Bryan: It does make sense.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: And so you're looking at like, we, there, this is the way that, um, I've been using it the last a while is that boundaries are like guardrails on a mountain road.
Bryan: They prevent you from creating off course during the tough times.
Natalie: Like we live in a mountainous region and I, there's one section.
Natalie: And Um, where there's, um, what are they called vineyards?
Natalie: Oh my Lord.
Bryan: I didn't know what you were trying to say.
Bryan: So I couldn't help you,
Natalie: uh, up on a ridge
Bryan: and
Natalie: the road to get there is a little sketchy.
Natalie: Part of it has somewhat of a guardrail.
Natalie: And when you think like you're climbing the mountain, doing switchbacks on the road and it's literally one lane up, one lane down and it's really narrow.
Natalie: There is a huge section where there is absolutely no protection from the edge.
Bryan: Yes.
Natalie: And it is so incredibly nerve wracking.
Natalie: It doesn't matter how many times I drive it, I'm, it's scary and I'm holding my breath for part of it because there are no guardrails.
Natalie: I really learned to appreciate the roads that have the guardrails.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: You're, you're also the person that as I'm driving and I get near, uh, Uh, a truck that has logs on the back.
Bryan: They are like, Brian, speed up, Brian, Brian, speed up.
Bryan: I don't want to be next.
Bryan: Brian, speed up.
Bryan: Well,
Natalie: I don't like it.
Natalie: I know you don't like it behind a semi truck.
Natalie: I don't like being beside a semi truck.
Bryan: I know.
Bryan: It's really funny because I'm moving, I'm actually moving quickly, but you're still like, no, no, no, we can't be here.
Natalie: Exactly.
Natalie: We're, I'm creating boundaries between myself and unsafe situations.
Natalie: I, do you see what I did there?
Bryan: I see what you did there.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And so we, there are different types of boundaries.
Bryan: You want to start going through them?
Bryan: Yeah.
Natalie: Sure.
Natalie: I mean, as we're going through the list, we might forget one or we might not have even thought of one.
Natalie: So if you're hearing us go through this and you're like, gosh, they didn't talk about this.
Natalie: Uh, please let us know because this is not,
Bryan: so here's, here's, here's the thing.
Bryan: We want to lay the foundation for these.
Bryan: These are some, some, the types of boundaries.
Bryan: The reason for the boundaries is because they provide guardrails, but they also help you to.
Bryan: Okay.
Bryan: Cultivate, uh, a relationship of trust, of love, of care, of maturity, stability, security.
Bryan: Um, all of those things, those things are important in the relationship.
Bryan: And so that's what a boundary does.
Bryan: A boundary isn't to manipulate control to, to get them to do what you want.
Bryan: And we'll talk about that some as we move forward.
Natalie: And, and just a precursor, some of these ones.
Natalie: Oh, like as we were going through them really felt like they needed to be a separate or not a separate, but like we needed to create a podcast specifically on certain ones.
Natalie: So, uh, we'll let you know about that.
Natalie: All right.
Natalie: First one, physical boundaries.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: So, I mean, you might be like, well, what is that?
Natalie: That is essentially respecting personal space and, uh, being comfortable, my being able to articulate my comfort in, you know, Um, how you're touching me, physical touch plays a part of it.
Natalie: It's not just, you know, we do the five love languages and physical touch and everyone just assumes that that just means sexual contact and, uh, it doesn't.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: It's funny because as soon as you mentioned intimacy anywhere, they're all, they mean sex because I really a hundred percent believe that the world has taken what God created for good sex, which is between men and women to be good and healthy and whole.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: He
Bryan: took that and the world's perverted it to mean.
Bryan: But the only way you can emotionally, intimately connect with someone else is through sex.
Bryan: Sex is a bonus, but there's definitely more to intimacy than just sex.
Natalie: That's right.
Natalie: And so public displays of affection.
Bryan: So when we talk about it, we're talking about it.
Bryan: We
Natalie: talk about physical boundaries.
Natalie: We're talking about, I'm a physical person in my environment and you are a physical person in your environment.
Natalie: And how do we, how do we connect?
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: You make it sound so boring.
Natalie: Public displays of affection.
Natalie: I mean, there are boundaries there.
Natalie: There are.
Natalie: Um, you know, not everywhere is appropriate to display public displays, right?
Natalie: And I say that because, you know, if you're traveling, not just for you to, um, be comfortable with your spouse or your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Natalie: In a public area, but also, um, translates to like, if you're traveling, there are certain countries that prohibit certain public displays of affection.
Bryan: Some people are PDA people and some people aren't PDA people and you need to discuss that with each other.
Natalie: But yes, communicating your level of comfort, comfort when it comes to public displays of affection and regarding your personal space,
Bryan: emotional boundaries.
Bryan: Emotional boundaries, communicating your feelings, um, well, openly while respecting each other, uh, and respecting each other's emotional needs.
Natalie: Yeah.
Bryan: Right.
Natalie: I'm not responsible.
Bryan: You're not responsible for your partner's happiness, right?
Natalie: Uh, that might seem.
Natalie: Mind blowing to some people.
Bryan: Yeah, well, especially like, do you remember the movie Jerry Maguire?
Natalie: Yes.
Bryan: When that movie came out, Jerry Maguire is like, you complete me.
Bryan: No, there's not one person in the whole world that will completely, will they make you a little more App to enjoy things.
Bryan: They, they can finish your sentences.
Bryan: They think the same way you do in certain things.
Bryan: And yet there's no way that there's one person in the whole world that completely you will complete you.
Bryan: And then there was this whole culture built or I remember saying the mean Natalie joking around.
Bryan: We were early dating.
Bryan: Oh, you complete me.
Bryan: Like.
Bryan: It's such a weird thing.
Bryan: And then it's the
Natalie: love goggles.
Bryan: Do you want to be responsible for another person's happiness based on your behavior?
Bryan: Cause that's really what it is.
Bryan: If I'm responsible for your happiness, that means my behavior cannot trigger you, offend you, uh, hurt you, uh, even poke you in any way, shape, or form.
Bryan: And I'm responsible for that.
Bryan: That means I would spend so much time trying to control my behavior to make you happy that I would never, I would be unhappy.
Natalie: That's right.
Natalie: Speaking of controlling one's behavior.
Natalie: You have to be so incredibly mindful that everyone expresses emotion differently.
Natalie: And your relationship should be a safe space for you to express that emotion, however it needs to come out.
Natalie: I need to express my emotion and if I keep it in, it's volatile.
Natalie: I have to let it out.
Natalie: And now there's also an air of responsibility on how I choose to let that out.
Natalie: Um, but I have to, not that I need your permission.
Natalie: Um, to release that, but there has to be an understanding of just because you don't process emotion the same way I do doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to.
Bryan: Oh, that's, that's a really good point.
Bryan: We
Natalie: talk about emotional boundaries.
Natalie: It is not sequestering someone's need to emotional event or like an emotional output.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: I, so here's, here's the thing is that like I would, uh, would compare to this.
Bryan: I know a couple been in my life that are quite emotional, like emotional as in they, they are emotionally
Natalie: in tune.
Bryan: Well, they're emotionally in tune.
Bryan: I actually really think they do.
Bryan: They're really emotionally in tune with themselves, but they're also really, um, like outwardly expressive with their emotions, right?
Bryan: Like a guy I know will hear a song and it'll just hit him in his heart.
Bryan: And he's a, he's, this is the thing.
Bryan: He's an expressive manly guy, like, and he's super manly, but he's expressive on the outside.
Bryan: And so that's not how I express emotion.
Natalie: Right,
Bryan: right.
Bryan: But that's how he does.
Natalie: Right.
Bryan: And if I expected him to.
Bryan: If he expected me to do what he was going to do, and I was expecting him to do how I express emotion, we would both just be choked.
Bryan: And it's the same thing in our marriages is that Natalie like totally expresses her, the, the anger or the frustration or the, whatever's happening,
Natalie: sadness, whatever,
Bryan: it completely different than I will.
Bryan: And I can't, I can't have the expectation that you do it the same way that I do because my way is just completely different.
Natalie: And for many years it was like that.
Bryan: Yeah, we were expecting each other to, the love languages.
Bryan: Yeah.
Natalie: And I was expecting him like, gosh, you're stone cold.
Natalie: And you're just, right.
Natalie: You're so hard.
Natalie: You still joke around
Bryan: like that, but it's not, it's not that I'm emotionless at all.
Bryan: Like I feel things just as deep as the next guy.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: You're just not as open about it.
Bryan: What was, what was you, but I'm also like, Um, I don't need to process the same way that you do.
Natalie: That's right.
Natalie: You are open with me about your feelings, but you just don't express it.
Natalie: Well, and I'm
Bryan: yeah.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And I'm also not going to, um, let the emotions control me.
Bryan: And so I logically think my way through things,
Natalie: right?
Natalie: As an emotional outputter.
Natalie: Um, that doesn't mean that we're not or that we're allowing our emotions to control us because we are processing them outwardly.
Natalie: So I just needed to say that, um, because I know I'm not alone.
Bryan: I'm not saying this, but anyone else I'm saying for me, I just don't, yeah, there's some things that, yeah.
Bryan: Okay.
Bryan: The next one is social boundaries.
Natalie: And this includes social media boundaries.
Natalie: This is our life now is social media.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: It's a, it's an interesting,
Natalie: so we think of social boundaries are social settings.
Natalie: So this is our friends, our family, right?
Natalie: Um, like extended family in laws, that whole gamut.
Natalie: And then the social media element of it is what am I choosing to.
Natalie: Yep.
Natalie: Let in.
Natalie: Remember we talked about this fence around our, our house scenario.
Natalie: What am I choosing to engage in on social media?
Bryan: Yep.
Natalie: Are these healthy,
Bryan: right?
Bryan: Yeah.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: And so I think setting boundaries with, you know, communications on social media, because you know, um, we were talking about this earlier.
Natalie: What you put out there is out there and you might delete it and think, whew, it's gone.
Natalie: It ain't gone.
Natalie: It's not gone.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: It can be, um, retracted.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: Is that the right word?
Natalie: So I think making sure that, you know, with the intro that Brian was saying about, about these scenarios that celebrities and politicians and people who are just out there on social media have, um, and in social settings can be really detrimental if you do not have strict boundaries in place for, you know,
Bryan: Yep.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: I agree.
Bryan: And we have something in our house too, where our kids that are under 18, we're allowed to look at their phone whenever they want.
Bryan: Natalie has access to my phone, my emails, my church email, anything that she needs at any time.
Bryan: And, and it's not that she doesn't trust me and it's not that I don't trust her.
Bryan: It's because I don't want to give her any reason to doubt or to have shade cast.
Bryan: Right.
Natalie: I use my phone a lot and, and I'm not out looking at weird, gross, scandalous, whatever things, but I'm also aware what are they, if they're like, Oh mom, I don't, you know, what was, um, you know, on Instagram or whatever.
Natalie: And they opened my Instagram and it's just a bunch of crap on there.
Natalie: I also am mindful of that.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: So like making sure that.
Natalie: Um, what I'm choosing to take in on a social media element is appropriate.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: And so going from social, we go to financial boundaries.
Natalie: Well, did we talk about just, I mean, I know we really focused on the social media part, but just the social boundaries of really making sure that you have things in place.
Natalie: And we talked about this at Christmas time when it was, um, dealing with family and the expectations of, um, your space and invading that space, really making sure that the people, whether they're family.
Natalie: Um, or not healthy boundaries as far as like, no, and, and if you have that relationship where your family can just come and waltz in whenever they please and, and then good on you.
Natalie: Um, uh, we don't, and, uh, we won't, right.
Natalie: And though we have an excellent relationship with, um, Brian's family, there's still respect, right?
Natalie: For our boundaries.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: So social boundaries, moving on to financial boundaries, uh, we're creating budgets, you're discussing the spending habits.
Bryan: There's oftentimes in a relationship, a spender and a saver.
Bryan: Um, and you want to decide, decide as much as you can at a time.
Bryan: And it's interesting cause there's two, two of the main reasons that people get divorced.
Bryan: are finances and lack of communication.
Bryan: It's funny because it's a lack of communication about finances that leads to the fact that they're not communicating, so they end up getting divorced because they're not talking about that.
Bryan: And sex
Natalie: is the third one, just saying.
Bryan: Yeah, well, and I'm 100 percent sure that those stats have probably changed by now.
Bryan: Uh, things of this different, but the financial boundaries, you need to communicate about your boundaries.
Natalie: Yes.
Natalie: And, um, if you have addictive patterns in regarding to finances, right where, um,
Bryan: you're going to get married and he has 30, 000 in credit card that you didn't know about.
Natalie: Exactly.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: You need to really talk about that.
Natalie: Student loan debts.
Bryan: Yeah.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Like a weed problem.
Bryan: You're just spending a hundred dollars a week on, on smoking weed or cigarettes or cigars or
Natalie: right.
Natalie: So these are huge, um, issues and then some financial, uh, struggles end up coming later on such as fertility issues and things like that.
Natalie: And so you can't plan.
Natalie: Well, I mean, I would plan worst case scenario, but I don't think I'm the norm population.
Natalie: I think the majority of people plan for the future, but they don't take every single thing that could go wrong into, into consideration when they're doing so.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: So, I mean, we do, uh, a zero based budget.
Natalie: So our money is allotted to, Specific areas, um, and we have it all listed and, um, we work out of that.
Natalie: So we work within our two week paychecks and we categorize and we organize where the money goes and like, this is how much we have for groceries and this is for gas and this is for this and that and the other.
Natalie: And um, that's it.
Natalie: The rest, you know, is credit card debt and their savings.
Natalie: And that's it for the next paid till the next pay period.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: So, um, we haven't always done a zero based budget.
Natalie: We have tried multiple different things and hopefully this will stick and this will, you know, kind of work, but ever evolving.
Natalie: Right,
Bryan: right.
Natalie: We have to be talking about it.
Bryan: So financial boundaries moving on to.
Bryan: And our next one is going to be talking about setting and maintaining these boundaries.
Bryan: What we're going to do, um, is we're going to move, and this is going to end up being two, because I feel like the, the next, this is going to be two episodes.
Bryan: So the next one is going to be on the three that we're looking to talk about is communication, sexual boundaries, and spiritual boundaries.
Bryan: And those are really important and we don't want to, Move too quickly.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And so we're just going to talk about maintaining and take a few minutes here and just talk about how we set some of these boundaries.
Bryan: So Natalie, how would we set a really good boundary in, in, in a marriage?
Bryan: What have we done?
Bryan: I mean, I
Natalie: feel like we sound like a broken record, but open communication and we honestly had to learn how to communicate properly.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Um, and we tried all different kinds of methods.
Natalie: Um, if you've been a long time listener, um, that didn't work.
Natalie: So we had to one, um, just be honest.
Bryan: You can't, you can't do without honesty, right?
Natalie: We don't have all the answers.
Natalie: We don't have all the right language or lingo to be able to express ourselves perfectly every single time.
Natalie: But one thing that we've aimed to be is clear.
Natalie: And direct and clearly state the Y.
Bryan: Yeah,
Natalie: to the boundary.
Bryan: Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: And being as clear as we can.
Natalie: And there's nothing wrong with asking for Um, clarification and we have, it just avoids, um, an argument potentially later on down the road.
Natalie: It avoids mixed messages,
Bryan: which is a good, it's a good tool to have in your tool belt anyway.
Bryan: And then in communication with your friends, like, um, when I'm having a discussion with my friend, Nathan, we'll be talking about like theology or we'll talk about how we hate this movie or whatever it happens to be.
Bryan: We're sitting around talking and he'd be like, no, no, no.
Bryan: What do you mean by that?
Bryan: Like, I don't understand what you meant by that.
Bryan: Or like even identifying the feeling like, Hey, you, it sounds like you're being frustrated to say, and then it gives you an open and a question to ask like, Hey, this is the thing that I'm feeling right now.
Bryan: And you're like, Oh, well he, he or she is like, I see that.
Bryan: I could say that.
Bryan: And if not, it sounds like you're mad.
Bryan: What are we mad about?
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: And knowing that, like I'm secure enough in the relationship now, I would say that when I asked that question, Hey, what are you mad?
Bryan: I know that it's not me.
Bryan: It used to be like, I'd be sitting in the corner.
Bryan: We're like, man, you
Natalie: don't know.
Natalie: I'm not telling you.
Natalie: Yeah.
Bryan: That is a cultural, um, marriage thing that needs to be killed.
Bryan: And women, you should never do that to men and men don't try and guess.
Bryan: Cause you get yourself into more trouble.
Natalie: And if you're the reverse and men.
Natalie: If you don't know.
Natalie: If your man is doing that, then, um, that's, that's equally, that's a no no, and don't do that.
Natalie: And it's not up to your, um,
Bryan: wife to
Natalie: try to figure that out.
Bryan: Never in the history of humankind has there ever been a person that's been able to read another person's mind.
Bryan: And so it's actually impossible.
Bryan: So you want to be clear, direct.
Bryan: Do you want to respect your, I love that respect.
Bryan: You're supposed to boundary
Natalie: that's, I mean, duh, what is it?
Natalie: Mark, Mark
Bryan: Gungor all the time.
Bryan: Uh, this is, he says this to guys, he says this to guys, uh, Mark Gungor, laugh your way to better marriage.
Bryan: Amazing training.
Bryan: Uh, he says, be nice to the girl.
Bryan: And can I
Natalie: say be nice to the guy?
Bryan: Be nice to the guy.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: Respect the man.
Bryan: Love the woman.
Bryan: Um, do what you got to do, but you have to have boundaries and you need to respect them.
Bryan: And there are boundaries in every relationship.
Bryan: Even if, even if they're not healthy boundaries, there's boundaries.
Natalie: Yeah,
Bryan: right like they could be you could have like 10 really good boundaries in each other's relationships And your guys are this flying but then there's three that are twisted that you just don't know are like oh That's not the right boundary, right?
Bryan: But they could be good boundaries.
Bryan: It could be bad boundaries, but you want to respect each other
Natalie: And hopefully the, the, the, the not so healthy boundaries, there's an awareness, there's a self awareness, whether it's through counseling or someone brings it to your attention or you come to that self realization, there's, it's not a lost cause, um, but you don't get, how do I word this?
Natalie: You don't have to like it because the boundary is not about you.
Natalie: The boundary is about me.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: I would say too that a common.
Bryan: Thing in marriage is that there's some things in our relationship that we disagree on, but they're not like a major deal breaker things.
Bryan: It's not like, I want to be a different religion than you, or I think it's okay to, to like be a heavy drinker.
Bryan: And you're like, no, that's not good.
Bryan: Or like, you know, like just, there's things that we just disagree on that are minor.
Bryan: I think for the most part, we always agree on the majors and when we're, we're working through these things.
Bryan: Like, we may not agree, but we can say to each other, I agree to disagree with you on this.
Natalie: Yeah.
Natalie: And let's talk about that word agreement.
Natalie: It's not about trying to beat my point to death to get you to finally understand or to, to stand with me in my conviction or to stand with me in my decision.
Natalie: Communications about seeking to understand,
Bryan: to understand the other person, right?
Natalie: I honestly don't care if you agree with me or not.
Bryan: Sometimes.
Natalie: I just want you to understand
Bryan: my
Natalie: perspective and where I'm coming from.
Natalie: I'm not asking you to agree with me.
Bryan: And, and the thing is, is that there's a, I think it's Zig Ziglar.
Bryan: He wrote a book and he said, most people listen with the intent to respond, not with the intent to understand.
Natalie: Oh, no.
Natalie: Truer words have been spoken.
Natalie: Well, yes, they're probably truer words,
Bryan: but, but, but for this context, yeah, no, no, no.
Bryan: But it is extremely true.
Bryan: Sometimes in an argument, I'm heated enough that I'm not listening to understand what Natalie is saying to me.
Bryan: I'm listening to, I have a really good response and it's going to Trump her and I'm going to win this argument and I'm going to be the man.
Bryan: And really all it does is it drives, oftentimes it drives a wedge further between you in that exact moment.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Because I'm a bigger person now and I'll just not engage.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: And I won't take the bait.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: And vice versa.
Bryan: Which
Natalie: leads, I mean, this just couldn't get any better.
Natalie: Right?
Natalie: It segues into consequences.
Natalie: Well,
Bryan: it's funny.
Bryan: I'm going to choose
Natalie: to opt out of the game that you're playing and not play it.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: When it comes
Natalie: to boundaries.
Bryan: And then when you're trying to bait me and I don't.
Bryan: And if I don't, then it'll honestly, it'll fizzle out.
Bryan: But
Natalie: if I
Bryan: do respond and we end up in a fight for some reason, the consequences are quite evident.
Bryan: We're uncomfortable for a while.
Bryan: We could be angry.
Bryan: We're, we're esteemed about whatever happens to be going on.
Bryan: Maybe I said something I should have and the consequences are, The fact that we've just created a rift in the relationship unnecessarily because I want to respond not to understand.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: And which created undue stress for both of us.
Natalie: And then we have children, which creates a whole set of anxiety issues for them.
Bryan: And I would say that if you're looking with the intent to respond and not understand, you're more willing to overcome the, or to step over a boundary to get that response out, not the understanding.
Bryan: I'm, I'm willing to step over your boundary if I'm only wanting to respond to you, never to understand you.
Natalie: Oh, okay.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: That make more sense?
Bryan: Yes.
Bryan: Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie: Um, but there are consequences.
Bryan: Right.
Natalie: There's a lack of trust.
Natalie: So it's not just like a physical consequence of, well, I'm going into this room then.
Natalie: I mean, yes, sometimes.
Natalie: I need to cool my jets and I need to go into a different space and there's nothing wrong with that.
Natalie: But there's times where it's, it's an emotional, um, consequence or there's a mental consequence or, um, the consequences I've checked out or you've checked out, or we're just not even willing to talk to each other.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Those are consequences.
Natalie: You need to discuss, Hey, these are my concretes.
Natalie: And these are the things that are not going to be tolerated.
Natalie: Right.
Bryan: And here's the thing is that, um, We've learned as well in our marriage is that you can actually compromise.
Natalie: Oh, yeah.
Natalie: And we've done that on a lot of different things because, you know, you just don't realize how, um, maybe, oh, we might get into that one more.
Natalie: When we talked about the sexual expectations or the sexual, Boundaries.
Bryan: Right.
Bryan: But like thinking like boundaries do change.
Bryan: Like as you grow, you mature, you, uh, job shift, hearts change.
Bryan: Like you just, you grow and mature really.
Bryan: It's growing mature.
Bryan: That's the goal.
Bryan: And, and the boundaries will change as, as you have different expectations.
Bryan: Um, but, Oh, I love this line.
Bryan: Be open to negotiation.
Bryan: I don't, I remember we went through the stage where we were bargaining.
Bryan: I'll do this.
Bryan: If you do this.
Bryan: It was,
Natalie: and it really
Bryan: worked and it was super fun.
Natalie: It was.
Natalie: Um, so yeah, it's not that, you know, we're compromising by, um, sabotaging or, um, like you said, not respecting and just crossing over the boundary line.
Natalie: This is not what we're talking about when we're saying willing to compromise.
Natalie: No.
Natalie: Coming to a place of that understanding.
Natalie: And of, of like, is this a diehard boundary or is this one that has some wiggle room for some bargaining in there?
Bryan: That's a really good point.
Bryan: I think, I think almost most things, most things have space to negotiate space to compromise space to go most things.
Bryan: I wouldn't say all things cause that would be kind of silly to make that an absolute.
Bryan: But if you are so willing to die on a certain hill, um, it actually causes.
Bryan: More rift between you and your spouse.
Natalie: Do I think it, you can't, we can't generalize it though.
Bryan: No.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Cause it's, it's.
Bryan: It's so specific to every couple and what your values are and what you care about and the things that you're fighting for in your relationship.
Natalie: I think, I think within each of the ones that we've talked about and especially the ones we're going into, there are some concrete things that are non negotiable.
Bryan: Yeah, absolutely.
Natalie: Right.
Natalie: Yeah, absolutely.
Bryan: Yeah.
Bryan: Um, that was, that was a really great conversation.
Bryan: It's a good start to our, uh, our boundaries, eh?
Natalie: Yes.
Natalie: I'm, I'm really excited for this.
Bryan: Absolutely.
Bryan: If you like our podcast, it really means a lot to us when you share it, you let people know about Amplified Marriage.
Bryan: You can follow us on Instagram or Facebook, uh, you hear the say this all the time.
Bryan: You can go to our website at amplifiedmarriage.
Bryan: ca, uh, at the bottom on the right hand side, there is a little voicemail tab.
Bryan: You can actually.
Bryan: Hit that button, record a question and we'd love to hear from you, but if you do have a topic or a question or anything you'd like to discuss, please email us, send us a DM, but you can email us at AmplifyMarriage at gmail.
Bryan: com.
Bryan: And as you hear us say all the time, we believe this with all of our heart because it happened to us.
Bryan: We believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged,
Natalie: and restored.
Natalie: Thanks for listening.
Natalie: Talk to you soon.