Speaker 1: Picture this you're on the couch, each wearing
sweatpants, at a Seem Better Days, when your spouse decides
to wordlessly plop down, half on your lap, half on the armrest,
like a cat who only pretends to be aloof.
There's not a hint of smooching or dramatic violin music, just
two people content to squish together until someone's foot
goes numb.
This kind of low-key closeness is the backbone of marital bliss
Part cozy blanket, part strategic weight distribution
and entirely essential to surviving the daily adventures
of tax forms, grocery lists, children and learning how to
fold a fitted sheet without bursting into tears.
Speaker 2: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
Speaker 1: I'm Brian.
Speaker 2: Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, as you
hear us say every podcast get comfy, cozy, grab a coffee and a
tea.
We're so glad you joined us for our chat today cozy, grab a
coffee and a tea.
Speaker 1: We're so glad you joined us for our chat today.
It has been a few moons since we've posted another episode of
this particular podcast that's right.
Speaker 2: In case you forgot, we are in the seven pillars of
intimacy series and we managed.
This is number two wow, wow.
Speaker 1: We have had an exceptionally challenging year
and we are back.
We we have a plan all the way till the end of whenever this is
over, but we're so excited to be back and to be talking about
a few topics.
We are right into our what is it?
Six pillars, seven pillars, six pillars.
Speaker 2: I think it's six or seven pillars of intimacy.
We're here for a little bit.
Speaker 1: We're here for the six pillars of intimacy, and the
first one that we had on the first week was all about
emotional intimacy.
Speaker 2: Yes, so if you missed that one, please go check that
one out.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, and we just want to say a happy new
year.
Happy new year to all.
It is the new year, it is 2025.
Speaker 2: I'm very excited for this year.
I'm glad 2024 is over.
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, and we're looking forward to this
year.
So we are on to pillar number two.
Speaker 2: Yes.
And I'm going to say If it wasn't obvious in the intro.
I don't know, maybe it wasn't obvious.
Speaker 1: Maybe, but we're going to talk about physical
intimacy, but we're not talking about sex.
That's right For all of you listening because you saw
physical intimacy you're like sad.
Yeah, that'll be the very last pillar, but we need to build on
these other five pillars before we get to the sex pillar right,
the sex or the sixth.
whichever, sex or sixth whichever one we're going to do,
and so we just want to start with just defining what physical
intimacy is without sex.
So you are aware of where we're coming from and why this is so
important in a married couple Very much important in a married
couple.
So it's not just, it's much, like we said in our intro, it's
just those little things that actually make the difference,
that connect two people.
So when we define this, it is intimacy beyond just sex.
It's important that non-physical intimacy will build and foster
and create emotional and relational bonds between you and
your partner.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: And it's like I just had a thought we've we're kind
of like in the process of starting a marriage I don't know
what you'd be ministry, but where we had a conference and it
was friendship, it was on friendship.
Because, honestly like.
This is where this falls into.
Beyond a physically intimate relationship, these are the
foundational pieces of building a friendship of the non-sexual
touch Right.
So this is super important.
This is what's going to carry you through those times when
there isn't as much physical intimacy or maybe there's a time
where there is no physical intimacy.
This is what you're going to draw from when looking at your
spouse.
Speaker 1: Right and we just want to set the stage for this
Physical intimacy.
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who
just didn't want to touch and it's not like I'm a super touchy
guy.
Speaker 2: No, when we talk about love languages, physical
touch for both of us is at the bottom.
It's at the bottom with, I think, gift giving.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm not a super touchy guy, but we do
realize that we hold hands, we kiss, we hug, especially because
we have kids.
They need to see that mom and dad actually love each other.
And it goes beyond just saying I love you and then pat on the
shoulder like a robot, I love you.
Uh, and then pat on the shoulder like a robot, I love
you, and then you walk away.
It's so much more than that, and so when we talk about this,
it's like it, it this kind of touch, it nurtures and it builds
it.
Speaker 2: There's value in that connection that's right and
it's being intentional every day but it's also like uh, um, it
builds love and trust.
Speaker 1: So say we take, for instance, when your dad passed
away a few years ago, the first thing you did when you heard the
news was come into, like you came to me and we hugged, we
talked, we prayed it out.
But you wouldn't have felt that kind of trust or love or
connection had we not built that relationship in a place where
there's a tragedy that happened.
Where do I go to?
Well, I can go to my partner right away, immediately, right,
that's right.
And then so these things actually build, uh, build bonds
between each other and we.
We love to talk about this one here we've talked about with our
kids and we talk about sex with our kids and relationships as
they get older and those kind of things.
But the role that you're if you probably have heard of this
called oxytocin, the love hormone bonding hormone it's the
bonding one, and so now you're emotionally and spiritually and
mentally connected with someone when you begin that love bonding
, and so much more so when you start having sex.
Yes, but that ox, that love hormone like there's we're going
to get to in a little bit, but the psychological benefits of
actually just touching and hugging are so incredibly
important.
Between, uh, between that can't .
Let's get this straight.
There's no way I'm going to my buddy, nathan, and hugging him
for 20 seconds I mean read the room.
Yeah, this okay when we say this specifically to you listeners
this is between you and your spouse that's right not you, and
and I mean if your best friend is is up for that, like if I was
, I'm pretty sure Nathan would just punch me out and be like
dude.
What are you doing?
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's an acceptable time of sort of
lingering.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's an acceptable time living.
But look, the psychological benefits of the intimacy are so
big they're like they actually will reduce stress.
Speaker 2: Right, so if you're stressed, hug more.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you're stressed, hug more.
Yeah, if you're stressed hey, I'm stressed right now I think
we should hug more.
All right, but it reduces stress.
There's increased, like they've done tests where they've put
the electrodes on people and they've done the test of the
brain as they've done.
This kind of connection, it strengthens relationships, it
brings up, uh, feelings of happiness, and so there's so
much power in just hugging and holding hands and connecting.
Exactly Without it leading to sex, to sex Right.
Speaker 2: Right.
So this is not well.
I'm going to do all of these things in hopes that right.
And sometimes it does when, like the non, you have no
intentions of it going there.
And then it does and that's great.
Speaker 1: But more often than not we're talking about where it
doesn't lead to that, but it's just it's bonding the two of you
so then I mean that also being said too, like sometimes we want
it to go that way and our body responds that way, right, like
you know, like it just does.
There's hormonal responses when a dude sees or touches right.
Speaker 2: That's right, but there's also some self-control
that is needed, because more often for us that's not the
first thing on our minds.
Speaker 1: No, and it's not that it's not the first thing on our
mind.
It's not the first thing on our mind, but there's always a hope
that, hey, we get to do this, we get to have sex.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 1: But we're talking about building the importance of
it, like holding hands while you're just hanging around or
you're watching TV.
Speaker 2: Well, back to what we said at the beginning.
What happens when something happens Right and there isn't
the ability in certain times to be physically intimate, right?
Where do you draw feeling connected with your spouse?
Speaker 1: from.
Speaker 2: It's from these foundations and if you create or
build a relationship.
Speaker 1: This is why couples that have sex early, early on,
statistically have a lower chance of succeeding in
long-term relationships and marriages, because they give
away that part, which is an incredibly important part.
But they give away that part long before they've actually
established the oxytocin, the love hormone, exactly.
They're just letting it go whenever.
Now we're just having sex, now we're connected all the time and
so Just physically, just physically, and there's no
actual connection to.
So we I've actually we, we know we coach couples where they
built their relationship straight, just like they went
out three times.
Third time they're having sex.
That's all they did.
They didn't really build a friendship, they didn't build
any relationship, they didn't build any kind of structure or
patterns or communication or anything that's needed around
the relationship.
And then 10, 15, 20 years later you get to a place where you're
like, well, now what?
And it's not that you can't love that person or don't even
love that person, it's just like you built it on something that
crumbles.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: You didn't build it on a friendship.
You didn't build it on good communication or good
relationship or values that were the same.
You didn't build it like that.
Speaker 2: That's right, but there's hope.
So if you found yourself on the other end of it, you can still
start implementing these things and fostering that friendship.
Speaker 1: Like we're saying is like daily hugs or kisses or
goodbye rituals.
Like I hate leaving the house without saying I love you and
giving you a hug and a kiss, looking into each other's eyes
intentionally for a few minutes.
Speaker 2: Yes, we've done that.
Speaker 1: Is it because we're silently communicating?
Speaker 2: Even though I mean it's awkward, let's be real.
When you're like you've been to those relationship seminars
where you have to sit across from your spouse and you have to
stare at them without saying anything, but just right, it can
be, and we've been married for 23 years and it's awkward
sometimes, it's just weird for the first little bit and then
the longer you stare, then the more uncomfortable it gets.
Maybe, but the more I'm like paying attention Like he's got
some new gray hair or he's got Wow, right, I thought we were
going to try and keep it hidden.
I'm really paying attention to your facial features and the way
that you're looking at me and as we're saying this, we are
staring at each other across the table.
Speaker 1: You have a lovely face.
Speaker 2: Thank you, and as do you.
It just fosters if you can get past how uncomfortable it might
be at the beginning.
Um, it really does help.
It really does help, like you, and it's so weird.
I don't.
I can't understand the science behind why that is, but if it's
20 seconds that you're holding that gaze, leaving that that 20
seconds like for us, we were like, oh well, we could have
done another 20 seconds, yeah, whereas when it first started we
were kind of like this is so dumb.
Speaker 1: This is so dumb.
Why are we doing this?
Well, and even you said you don't know the science behind it
, it's because here's what I think Maybe the world thinks
differently or culture thinks different, but God built us to
be in relationship with people.
God built us for a man and a woman to be together, to take
those differences that they have and connect them and build a
family, to build a home together .
And the science says that a six-second kiss releases
oxytocin and will build and foster intimacy.
A 20-second hug can reduce cortisol, which is like we're a
stress home.
Speaker 2: We're a stress home.
You fight or flight.
Speaker 1: You fight or flight.
You see all these stupid things on Instagram where it's like
you have high cortisol and here's what you do and these
seven things don't want high cortisol no, we don't want high
cortisol, but stress is a part of life, so managing it but.
But the 20 second hug can reduce that with.
I know I don't mean like a.
You've ever seen uh on instagram, those guys that are
standing in the middle of like uh, like a square somewhere in
the states and they said free hugs and people will just come
in, and it's never a 20 second hug.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: But you, you realize the deep need for human
connection deep need for human connection and I believe that's
how God built us is to have relationships, to have circles,
to have fellowship, and men and women need that.
Speaker 2: Exactly so.
We had given some examples of a holding hands, hugs, kisses,
back rubs, looking at at each other.
You can just be sitting next to each other.
You don't have to we're, we're, we're, you're just.
Speaker 1: Your proximity is next to each other and you know,
there's some things that are going to require some
communication, like sometimes, natalie said, well, I want to be
alone.
I'm like, oh, okay, and then I'll leave to go, like doing
she's not that kind of alone.
I'm like I don't know what kind of alone you mean.
I don't want to talk, I just want to be in the same space.
So you want me to be with you, which is a definition of not
alone, but we're not communicating, and so that's
what you want.
Speaker 2: And so there is going to be some yeah Times where you
just need to be in each other's presence.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sitting in the same space.
Right and a foot, touching a foot.
Speaker 2: Exactly, and we've done that.
Yeah, when we're driving in the car, on the gear shifter, brian
always has his hand there and then I put my hand on top of his
.
Speaker 1: That's just something we've always done, even since
we were dating, even since we were dating even since we were
dating right.
It was super manly when I can drive a standard why do you
laugh?
Speaker 2: and?
Speaker 1: not affirm my, my fantasy okay this was the least
helpful conversation of all time , wow, right, and even as we're
talking about, there's, there's incredibly important for you to
to build a friendship like and what we're talking about is
emotional intimacy, physical intimacy.
We're going to get through all the pillars.
All of them lead towards having a healthy friendship between
you and your spouse, and so there's there's a.
The daily physical connection is important.
I heard a statistic I don't know where it was, I don't and I'd
have to look it up, but there was someone saying is that men
because I speak, I read a lot of things pertaining to men, just
kind of see where things are going in the world of Christian,
non-christian culture is that 40 for 45% of men don't have one
close friend to call in in anything like just don't have
one close friend.
There's men that have grown up that have never been told I love
you in the last five or 10 years there and uh, the so when
we're talking, you have an opportunity with your
significant other to build bridges.
Just think about all the people that don't have access to the
kind of thing that you do when you're sitting across from your
partner and being like I can build, I can touch her hand or I
can touch them, I can hear them , I can look at them, I can see
them walking away.
I can build relationship, listen to the same music, sit on
the same couch all of those things it builds emotional
stability for each of you to know that, hey, that person is
there all the time.
I can't imagine like.
This is why divorce frustrates me is that.
Imagine having that for 15 or 20 years and then a couple years
and near the end of your relationship, all of a sudden
you just turn off that tap right , and then it's no wonder that
after two or three years of struggle, at the end of it you
don't feel any bond anymore that's because you've
essentially set the bond on fire by not continuing to work on
your relationship.
Well and and that is literally the smallest view of what
happens between couples.
I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be away from that.
Speaker 2: No, but we've heard people say oh, we're just not
compatible anymore, we're just not.
Speaker 1: That's a choice.
Speaker 2: I don't feel connected to my significant
other anymore, and I would.
I would venture to say that one of those reasons probably is a
lack of physical touch.
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: Um, and, and the purpose of it is that that is
what keeps that bond alive and that bond thriving in in the
relationship.
And you know, even if I'm, I can be upset with you and when
we're in the car, still put my hand on top of your hand on the
gear shift and still be upset with you.
But there's just certain things and I've done that and there's
I don don't know.
We have to be intentional, and not only for our sake, but
because we have children's eyes watching our our every move when
it comes to how we deal with each other and we want to, we
want to model that because we want that in our relationship,
so so that when they leave the home we're still connected.
It's not we're trying to figure out who we are in that moment.
No, we've been fostering this, and not perfectly, but one foot
in front of the other.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we want to do the best job that we can to make
sure that our kids are, they understand that we love each
other, that even when we fight, even when we have like heated
disagreements, that we're not going to be, we're not going to
divorce or separate, or let the anger get the like, let it
fester for so long that all of a sudden it causes a rift in the
relationship no right.
I mean I'd say this is this is kind of like that.
But I was sitting on the couch or sitting on the chair last
week or this last week and I've made a joke over the years and
this will sound funny is that I have a girlfriend and her name
is Natalie, and so it's always about my wife, natalie.
And so now I'm sitting on the couch, my middle son is sitting
off to the side and I he looks at me and makes a comment, or
nat says, hey, who's on your phone?
So it's my girlfriend.
And and you just like, oh, you're dumb, like it had nothing
to do.
But my son responded he's like it was, he's like man, it's good
to see yourself along those lines, that you guys have such a
healthy relationship that you can say that and you think he's
stupid because it's just how we are and I would never make that
joke like unless we were in that place and she could trust me
with that kind of thing.
But she, it's true, like you, you build a relationship.
I remember when the kids were really young we were sitting in
the.
We've probably told the story before.
We're sitting in this um walmart parking lot oh, having
that heated discussion, heated discussion.
But this was young and it was angry.
We weren't happy, there was a lot of stress going on, finances
were tough and we were having, we were struggling to
communicate.
Well, at that point, and I just remember we're sitting in the
walmart parking lot, we're supposed to be here, we're like
it was one of those.
We're in colona let's try and be happy, we love each other.
And it was one of those.
We're in Kelowna let's try and be happy, we love each other.
It was one of those kind of moments and I just remember you
turning around looking in the back and I can't remember which
kid was crying our middle, our.
Ezra was crying and Brandon's looking out the window and and
uh.
Speaker 2: Amaris.
Speaker 1: We didn't have Amaris , that's right, they're just
looking and and you just stop and you kind of like what's
going on.
I said you two are you do is fight and it just.
It was one of those moments where they thought things were a
trouble.
We talked to them afterwards.
They thought like, hey, we're in trouble because all we're
doing is fighting, and all they saw from us was just fighting.
Speaker 2: Well, and when you?
It's that thing, when you think they're not watching.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: They are oh, man are and they see those little
moments.
They see the moments where you come up behind me and just put
your hand on my shoulder, or when we're walking and I put my
arm through your arm, or, um, when you put your hand on the
small of my back or you give me a hug, or you put your hand
around my shoulder, or whatever it might be.
They see all of those little acts and that not only does it
solidify the bond between us, but it also sends a message that
mom and dad are healthy to our children, and that is hugely
important and sometimes we need we need to see life through our
children's eyes and what it's doing to them in order to jolt
us into a more healthier pattern Right and I think the the it's
social media is such a weird animal when it comes to this
type of thing.
Speaker 1: I often think that the couples that are on facebook
that are the most vocal about their love for each other and
how you held my hand walking down by the water and I love you
so much and everything is always going to be the best
because year round, I always think those are the ones that
have the worst amount of struggles in their relationship
maybe because that's what we've seen, yeah well, and maybe
because that's what we've seen and I would like, I would say
that like you're, but that all needs to be private between you
and her.
And if you're seeing a counselor , see a counselor.
Don't put stuff on Facebook because it gives you a false.
But what the kids?
This is what we learned over the years is that even if Nat
and I are putting on a good mask , the kids see everything 100%
and they will say things Exactly .
And they will say things to do you remember when the teacher
you got a call from someone saying oh and it was our friend
Star was saying your son says you're drinking out of a brown
paper bag like you do, like you're an alcoholic, you bought
booze.
Speaker 2: Oh right, Do you remember that?
Yeah, he was telling everyone I drank from a brown bottle.
A brown bottle, but I was rinsing my mouth out with
peroxide and he never, ever saw me spit it out.
Speaker 1: So in his mind I was just drinking it.
That was a side note.
Yeah, Side note sidebar.
Speaker 2: Anyway, back on track , back on track, really
emphasizing that these kinds of things, I think, lessen the
pressure when the expectation is this is not, we're not
expecting it to lead to sex, we are just building a bond between
us and I think that that, right there one should be honored.
Yeah, where there shouldn't be an expectation of, well, I'm
doing all of these things to cuddle you, and all of that.
Speaker 1: And you're not doing anything.
Speaker 2: And now it's your turn to reciprocate what I want
it has to be.
There has to be a mutual understanding for non-sexual
touch or non-sexual routine yeah , whatever that might look like
for you.
Speaker 1: I mean, we've listed some things there yeah, and like
here, just some like practical ideas.
Plan like planet, planet, it's like plan sex and if that's what
you got to do, plan it.
But if you just need like a reminder for the first of all,
if you, if you are out of alignment with you and your
spouse when it comes to just physical, non-sexual touch,
where you just this is an intimacy building thing, there's
just some practical things.
Create rituals like like natalie, as soon as she we wake
up in the morning, I'll walk over, I'll get her coffee, give
her a kiss, sit down, no matter what.
At night, I give her.
If I go to bed, at the same time, I give her a kiss, we pray
, she goes to sleep.
That's what we do on the way out of the house.
There's things that we do.
When I'm standing in the kitchen or she's cooking
something, I'll come in, I'll support, hand on the back,
whatever these things are.
If you're not doing them, this is a great way to start by
saying hey, no, when you're in the kitchen, I'm going to go in
there and I can put my hand on your shoulder.
When you're sitting on the couch , I want to sit beside you.
I just want to Something cheesy .
I know it sounds stupid and I know it sounds foundational, but
these are things that actually will tie you two back together
in an intimate way that isn't based on just sex.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 1: Because when you're having sex, yes, you're
emotionally bonded, yes, you're spiritually bonded, but there's
that release at the end of it that releases the love hormone
and now you're even more emotionally connected.
But did you do any communication before that?
That's right we always say, like foreplay starts in the
morning 100% and you have to be able to communicate.
Speaker 2: What does that look like?
Because you know if I'm trying to think of an example here.
Well, because we've talked about what that looks like for
us for non-sexual touch.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: But if you don't like something your partner's doing,
like, let's say, you just have a thing and they put their hand
on your knee and it just Weird you.
Yeah, you need to communicate that, hey like.
I appreciate you that you're making a stance, but I would
rather if your hand were around my shoulder, or rather than on
my knee.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: If that makes sense.
You have to communicate everything, and we say this
every single podcast Communication is key.
It doesn't matter what we're talking about.
Speaker 1: You have to communicate your likes your
dislikes, what you're, what you might like, but you haven't
tried yet Exactly.
That's not only for the non-sexual touch, the physical
intimacy like this type of intimacy, that's for all parts
of the emotional spiritual, all that stuff.
Speaker 2: Like what does?
What's your cultural standpoint on physical touch?
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Right.
So sometimes there are those sort of I don't want to call
them barriers because I don't think that they're barriers, but
sometimes you have that to work around.
There's just differences between you and the other Right
differences and you know sometimes like physical touch
can only happen in the home but not out in public and stuff, so
you need to really communicate.
Speaker 1: Do you like PDAs?
Speaker 2: Right.
You need to really communicate that with each other, and we
were talking about love languages, because physical
touch is on the bottom of ours Really being intentional of what
the other person's love language is, especially if
there's this physical touch, then you need to really identify
what that looks like for them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely so.
Here's your challenge for the for this next week.
Before we we end up a week, we close our podcast here.
We want you to take a time every single day to have a six
second kiss with your partner six seconds.
And then we want you to do a 20 second hug daily.
And if you can do more than one 20 second hug daily, do that
for the next couple weeks.
Send us an email, send us a dm, just say, hey, this actually
helped us.
Let us know what you thought about that.
But that's your challenge.
Speaker 2: Six second kiss, 20 second hug every single day and
also experiment with incorporating different ideas.
And if you have something that we've not mentioned, that you're
like, hey, this actually works for us, send it to us.
Yeah, absolutely, we'd love to see it.
And how can they?
Speaker 1: do that?
Yeah, you can do that If you like this.
I'm not going to do the whole thing, but you can send it.
You can email us at amplifiedmarriage at gmailcom,
or you can go onto Instagram or Facebook and message us through
there If you like this podcast.
I know it's been a while since we've been.
We've been back, but we are back and we're ready for this
coming year.
It means a lot when you share what you let your friends know,
when you let people know, when you share the podcast.
You can follow us on those same places.
You can message us on instagram and facebook and if you've been
with us for a long time, you will hear us say all the time we
believe that marriage can be reset, refreshed recharged and
restored thanks so much for being back with us.
Speaker 2: Talk to you soon.