Season 3 Ep. 14 // "Emotional Intimacy:" The Heartbeat of a Strong Marriage

What if you could transform your marriage by mastering the art of emotional intimacy? This episode of Amplified Marriage wants to equip you with the tools to feel truly understood, appreciated, and valued by your partner. 

Through a few of our own personal experiences and real-life stories, we share how vulnerability and trust are the keys to overcoming barriers and building a strong emotional connection and why being present and attentive without distractions is crucial.

Reflecting on our 23-year remarriage journey, we explore the complex world of vulnerability and the importance of emotional support in navigating life's challenges. From managing financial stress to handling work frustrations, we share practical strategies for keeping open lines of communication and maintaining a safe space for sharing struggles in your relationship.

We chatted about how practices like "drive dates" and regular check-ins can prevent feelings of shame and frustration and learned the value of listening and validating each other's feelings. 

We want our stories to guide you in prioritizing quality time and fostering a deep, emotional bond with your partner.

Chapters

• 0:01 The Five Pillars of Emotional Intimacy
• 7:22 Navigating Vulnerability in Marriage
• 21:37 Building Emotional Intimacy in Marriage

Transcript

Do you think you're good with intimacy? Are you trustworthy? .. Do you desire a closeness between you and your spouse? Where they feel secure and you feel secure? Unfortunately, many of us built barriers that make it difficult to build emotional connections. There's an inner desire in all of us to be fully known and fully loved.

Today we're talking about emotional intimacy.

Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Bryan . I'm 

Natalie. 

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, if you haven't heard our voices for a long time, we are glad to be able to be here with you for this episode. If you've heard us so many times, grab a coffee, grab a tea, grab your Red Bull.

Let's go for a run or have a seat, whatever you're going to do, but we have a really. Interesting start to the next few episodes that we have planned. Hey? 

I'm excited. We're talking about different pillars of intimacy and we're starting at the ground level and working our way up to the more Steamy ones, 

steamy.

We had done a, what we call it. Our church is a grow day where we have all those many couples from our church and our campus church just outside of town. Come join us for a day where we actually just talk marriage and 30 couples. Yeah, we had 30 couples. We were close to 70 people there, so probably just over 30 couples.

And we had some really close friends of ours share just some of their story and how to be, and the topic of the whole grow day was intimacy, but also friendship and how being friends with your spouse actually matters and how intimacy plays a serious part. And so Natalie and I's topic.

Was actually the five pillars of intimacy, which we're going to get into with you, but really we wanted to focus on with our church just on sex. But the other four, before you even get to sex are incredibly important to make the sex, the best sex you can possibly ever have. 

building blocks, right?

We're starting, we're laying out, we're laying a good foundation, breaking down and just having some real honest talk about what exactly is emotional intimacy. And, my first thought when we were prepping, even for the grow day was, Oh I'm doing that. I already get check.

And then we started to break down what it was in all sort of these stories started flooding back to mind of how many times. I showed up for not your emotional needs, but for my own to be met disguised as me showing up for you. If that makes sense. 

Yeah, it totally does. Yeah. It's an interesting thing.

And so we just want to just start with, this is like a, the definition of like emotional. Yeah. Yeah. Intimacy is, it means that there's a deep connection between you and your partner where in that relationship, they feel like they're understood, they're appreciated, they're valued, but it's built through a vulnerability which vulnerability builds trust between the two people.

And you can actually share your thoughts and your feelings and you. Are emotionally available for each other and to be able to stay connected that way and to communicate clearly that way. 

And you may have heard this saying here, I just need you to show up. I think is a really great depending on the context, I think that really sums up emotional intimacy.

I need you to be available. I need you to show up, not looking everywhere else, not still on your phone while claiming you're listening to me. But I need. eye contact. I need intention, verbal 

affirmation that you are in fact listening to me. 

Exactly. Cause, cause you, it's so obvious when we're not right.

So if you want, if I want you to be vulnerable and I'm not giving or creating a safe space for you to be vulnerable. You're not going to be. And vice versa. If you're fixed on, you play video games and stuff. And if I show up going, Hey, I really need to talk about this. And you're like yeah, no, I'm listening.

And you're yelling at the TV or whatever. It's very obvious your attention is elsewhere. You're not listening to anything I'm saying. You're not present in the moment. That has 

never happened in our marriage in the last couple of weeks. I feel like I should have qualified that. That was honestly, but video games was something early in our marriage that actually 

it was a hindrance.

Yes, it was a hindrance, but that was the outcome of it was a hindering our marriage. But the reason for it was, is that I just wasn't able to be present for you. 

And part of that is you didn't know how. 

Yeah, that's true. 

And I wasn't very vocal about how I needed you to be. You just should be a mind reader, duh.

Mind reader, but you were vocal in the fact that you were telling me what I was doing wrong and when I wasn't doing it and my needs weren't being met or your needs weren't being met. And you were vocal that way of saying, Hey, this is a real problem. I was pretty slow in, in connecting the dots that maybe, and something's wrong with it, I should stop playing a Xbox right now for a little while and maybe just sit across from my wife and just talk to her about 

stuff.

Here's the thing, even, excuse me, where we're talking about destroyers of emotional intimacy, being emotional abuse. And so I have, this just came to me when you were talking about how I would list off things and it was like, you're so lazy and you, all you do is sit around the couch and do nothing all day.

And comments like that really fostered that sort of emotional abuse. It squelched any progress that I thought that we were making, um,

What's the word further drove a wedge. Okay. When I was making comments like that. Yeah. And the purpose behind the comment wasn't to it was to destroy you, but it wasn't, it was in hopes to get a response out of you. We're to snap you out of whatever escape you were using.

And. I just didn't know how to filter through those things and how to understand what was actually happening at that time. Like early married. That was the first. 

And I didn't. But you know what? This has been like when we talk early married, these are things we still battle today. Yeah. It's not Oh, that was in the first three years of my, we've got it down pat.

We conquered 

this. 

This is a daily choice to be emotionally available for each other, especially when stuff is coming at us from every which way. Our kids are older now, but when they were younger, it definitely played a part in being present for each other because everything was just sucking the life out of your ability 

to even sit down because the kids were so all encompassing and by the end of the day you're exhausted.

Or work, or church, 

or friends, or family drama, or whatever it might have been. 

Really came at us and we had to really choose to be. 

And we didn't choose that for a long time. We wanted to. I think there's always a, I want to be a good husband or a good wife, but you're just not really sure about how to do it.

And it's interesting how how important emotionally intimate relationships are. Being emotionally available for the other person is, it's incredibly valuable. It's incredibly important. And it's interesting too, because we're talking about this and this is what like first three years of our marriage is like 19 years ago, we've been married for a long time.

And is that the right math? Is that good math? It seems like it's good math. 

Close enough. Wow. 

Close enough. But what were, what you never did, which is when I was vulnerable, you never laughed at me. Whenever I broke down in tears, which was a few times, not very often, but you didn't laugh at me or make fun of me or hold that against me.

And I do know that in some relationships, the woman wants that from the man, but then when the man presents that, it's something that she uses against him, right? And we know of a few couples where the man just doesn't want to be vulnerable because he's worried about how she's going to perceive him. And part of getting to that place of trust and vulnerability and committing that to each other is that if I break down, I remember one time in particular I was at working at Cal tire and they were the worst place in the world to work.

You worked your tail off hours upon hours and 

for very 

little money. 

So if kudos to those people, 

but like anyone, I advise anyone to just run from Cal tire. But that's a whole different story. I remember one time we were a little bit short on finances. And I didn't, this wasn't like an emotional, I broke down and cried.

I was enraged. I called the bank that morning, see what my paycheck was. And it was like missing four or 500. They had done something taxes. It was the first few weeks that we were there. And anyway, I got, and I was so enraged and like bitter, there's bad language. They're stomping around the house.

And I just remember you being like, dude, we must be in trouble if you're freaked out like this. And I remember you not holding that against me, but just praying with me and how do we work this through? We talked to each other and I was able to share my frustration. I said, I'm working my tail off here.

And it just feels like we're going nowhere. I'm trying to take care of the family. We had three kids. I'm like, what's going on? I can't do anything. I just felt, I felt you didn't make me feel this way, but I felt like less of a man because of how hard I was working, but I wasn't getting anywhere. But emotionally I just was tapped in that moment and you came under and bolstered me in that moment.

You're like no, we're going to get through this. This is what we're going to do. 

The effort you put into marriage is a hundred, 

yeah. 

On a scale of zero to a hundred I'm not always operating at that off. Yeah. 

Yeah. 

And I, and more often than not, we're never at a low at the same time.

Very rarely. 

And so when you're operating at, what, 10 percent more, like I said, more often than not, I am operating at a 90 percent and am able to emotionally invest in the moment and Not twist your frustration to somehow be about me, which I have done in the past, but be present in the moment of this does suck and no, you're not a loser and it's not always going to be this way.

We need a miracle. And he has provided in the most unexpected and wonderful ways but there was a space for that. Conversation to happen, 

right? And sometimes it's in the heat of the moment where something serious goes on. And you have you're responding or you're reacting, not responding.

You're just reacting in the moment to it. So there's frustration, anger bitterness whatever you're responding to. And then there's other times where you just, you're sitting across like Natalie and I love to do these little drive dates. We just go out and we'll get an ice cream cone from McDonald's and we'll just go for a walk and we'll go for a drive.

Yeah, it's awesome. But it's in those moments that we try and collect throughout the month that we actually have some really great talks about the future or our frustrations or 

our 

insecurities. Or man, I'm really feeling really fearful about this. And I haven't I have to preach a message coming up and I'm really unsure about it.

Or I got to deal with this thing and it's really tough on my I'm just feeling you get to that, but you get there and We're intentionally making that time valuable and important to be able to communicate those things. A 

hundred percent. 

And even 

to be vulnerable with each other.

And it's not all, or we're talking about church, we're talking about God or the Bible or anything like that. Like our children are going to be leaving the nest at some point in the very way too near future. I don't want to talk 

about it. Cause you might start crying. 

And so it's things like that.

It's okay, we're doing. Intentional check ins. We had said from the beginning of us starting a podcast was we were intentional with us because we didn't want to be those people when the kids left the house where we looked at each other and we're like, who are you? And do I even still like you? So that's not the issue, but it's just, okay what are we going to fill our time with?

Like we enjoy each other's company. But it's so wrapped around the kids, right? And so being intentional with your vulnerability to discuss the things that you're worried about. 

Yeah. 

That are out of your control. That just fosters a strength in your relationship. 

And all of the things that we're talking about, like taking the time to discuss it.

Sometimes you're setting a time to resign, you're setting beside or aside time to respond. And other times you're just reacting. You're talking about what are your longterm goals, what are the things that you want to do? What so that like it all comes down to even the very first episode was communicating your expectations.

I had this expectation, but in order for Natalie to know what my longterm goal is or my vision or my aspirations or my, what I think my purpose is, I have to communicate that out loud to her. And you can't do that, so you gotta, you, and I love like one of the notes that we have was, I love reading a book or listening to a podcast and telling her about it.

Sometimes she's man, I just, I don't care about this topic, but she loves me enough to pretend to listen. 

Hey, there's some very interesting 

you didn't catch on the subtleties of that moment where I just hoped that you were just going to jump on it and just harass me to be 

available for you here.

Wow. 

Wow. I see what's going on here. 

But there have been some really interesting. Conversations that have come out of podcasts or books that you've read and, Oh, what's that? The hostage negotiator guy. 

Oh, Chris. Chris. Something or other. 

Oh, it's going to come. 

Why would you put me on the spot like that?

What a fascinating, Oh, he's looking it up right now because we, if you've never heard of this person, Chris Voss seek him out, read his books, 

never split the difference, 

never split the difference. He is he is a hostage negotiator or was a former hostage negotiator, but he applies some of those same skills to conflict resolution and they are 

fantastic 

dynamite.

But that was one of those times where you read the book and I read the book, I listened to the book, you listened to the podcast with me and then you're like, we had some really great conversations. 

Exactly. What are your thoughts on this? Yeah. Yeah. 

Because so many times we can just adopt.

The news or whatever as our own ideas and our own, um, what's the word? 

Identity. 

Yeah. But that's not really how I feel about one particular subject or another. And so if we can find something or if you can find something that you share together or you can come together and share, like you read the book, I haven't read the book, but I listened to the podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. And so we can talk about what are your thoughts on that or I never thought of it that way. That's great. Let's try that next time. We are meeting with somebody and they're struggling in that area. Let's try these tactics that he lays out and see, and they work 

well, some more than others.

Exactly. 

And he'll even say that too, but the idea isn't that you're necessarily adopting Some guys things. The idea is that you two are communicating 

and 

you're talking your way through things and you're willing to try new things. And that's the, even the purpose of this podcast is to give you tools in your tool belt to even point to, or do you think you're good at intimacy?

And do you do a checklist and you're like, Oh, cause even in, in the show notes or the job or the episode description, I'm going to ask you some questions like, do you think that you're actually good at intimacy? Because the truth is so many of us think that we're good at it and then we find out I'm not doing so hot at this as I thought it was.

No, because if you're taking one, if you're taking personal inventory, we always you know, rate ourselves higher on our own scale than when I'm asking you, like how would you think I am with emotional intimacy? And I suggest that you ask each other that, 

right? 

And we have asked each other that like on a scale we've done graphs where we've laid out like major headlines like we had intimacy, we had sex, we had communication, all that.

And we rated ourselves on a scale of one, percentage wise, and then talked about it and where I thought I was doing really well or I saw my spouse doing really well. They were actually feeling like they were doing way worse or way better than 

yeah, it's an interesting thing to rate yourself to even talk about it, but you're actually, it's like anything else in order for you to improve as a husband or be better at a husband or being better at a wife is you actually have to be able to take feedback from your spouse, which honestly, probably getting feedback from Natalie on certain things is harder than getting it from someone else.

I would agree. Yeah. 

Like me giving you feedback. You sometimes are like, I can tell you something for a week. You go hear it from our friend Katrina and she says it the first time and I'm sitting on the couch with her husband saying, I have been saying this for a week, but Katrina says it and you're like, Oh, that's gospel.

I have been saying the same thing and you didn't and vice versa. That's happened. Pastor Brody will wander into the office and say something to me and Oh man, you're right. And you're like, what? Are you kidding me? I've been saying this, you for two weeks, 

that's right. And sometimes there's a familiarity and you have to tell me that, but I don't, is that what you actually think?

And we still question that. 

So being vulnerable, super important, sharing personal thoughts. Learn each other's love language, but learn what each other's thoughts are on simple things. Doesn't have to be like on politics or things like that, although that's good too. What are your personal thoughts on, how she feels at her job or how he feels at his job or how he's feeling as a parent or how you're feeling as, um, where you struggle to have kids or whatever the scenario might 

be.

And just even. Sh breaking the ice in your relationship if you're thinking about this and you're like, man, we don't ever do this. I don't really know what's going on at her job. Or he just, she doesn't know what's going on at mine. Even just little things like, Hey, share what's happening at work.

Share what happened in a phone call with your boss that you can share. Like just something that goes on. Or you sh like we, we've mentioned this a lot. Episode, but you just share your personal thoughts. Be emotional support when things happen. If there's a big issue that happens that she just needs that moral or standing support, that's important.

And just to stand there with her or with him and just be there with them. 

And be present in the moments when you're sharing things about your past that kind of have shaped. It's not defining who you've become, but it's definitely had a part to play in shaping who you've become. Those are really key.

Things to pay attention to and really, cause for a lot of us, those are real big pain points. 

Yeah. Yeah. And I would say that too, when it comes to emotional even I want to get to just a few things that you can do actually that are really going to help you grow in this area that'll help you mature in this area.

But when you're, you need to create a space, like I'm going to go right to the first one. The first one is you want to enhance that vulnerability that you have with each other Yeah. And the way you do it is you actually create a safe space, right? Where when I have that open conversation, I can say, Hey, Nat, this is going to be tough for me to say not something completely out to left field, but this is going to be tough for me to say that when I can vent my I'm really angry, or I'm really concerned, or there's I have a deep fear about this, what's coming up.

If I do that, you want to create a space that's safe for that, your partner. You want to create a place where they can come and share that and they don't feel judged. I know way too many couples that whenever they share something deep, it, they get laughed at. Like maybe it's a, just a fear response, but they get laughed at.

They get judged. There's a little bit of shame. There's a little something, whatever that happened. How many 

times the other person uses the platform to insert their fix it. Ideas, right? This isn't a time for fixing it necessarily. This is a time for if you're asking, Hey, how are you doing in this one area?

And your spouse is starting to share. This is a time to put on your listening ears and zip your lips. 

And I think there is a, there, there is a early time in our relationship where I would ask, am I listening or can I try and fix this? And he'd be like, I just need you to hear me. Now we're at this place where I can see five solutions that would just be a simple conversation, but she doesn't care about that.

Because she's talking through her feelings with me. She's not talking through the solutions, not because she hasn't actually seen this. So she's no, I know what the solutions are. I just need to get this off my chest so I can actually go do those solutions. And that's my job, but I'm created a safe space for her as hers or her husband to be able to, for her to come to me, this is a safe spot.

And then she'll say, when she asks me, when she gets to that place where she's like, Brian, what do you think? I'll be like, all right, here's what I think. And here's what I see in this, not knowing the other side of the conversation. I just know your side. This is what I think you should do. And then, but only when she asked me until then, I'm just going to sit and listen and it's not my head.

Oh man. And like morally, emotionally support her. 

No one is asking you to agree with whatever my frustration would be. What I am asking for is some empathy and put yourself in my shoes. And I know that we think very differently. But if you're like, I could see how that would make you mad.

I could see how that would be really frustrating because you're so organized or whatever. And that just threw a wrench in your day. It's being able to empathize and come to that place of validating my feelings. It's not about whether my feelings are right or wrong. It's about saying, I can see how that would make you angry, or I could see how that would really hurt your feelings.

And 

then that time will come when you're like do you think that I'm correct in my response or should I have said it that way? I'm like, Nat, that may have been a little bit too harsh. If I do that at the beginning where we're still high, we're still high in the emotion. She's not going to 

hear 

it.

And then we actually are going to end up having a fight because she just thinks I'm not with her when that's not what we're trying to get to. 

And if that platform, if that foundation hasn't been laid. It doesn't matter how you try to be, it's going to be wrong, right? So practicing doing these things and we still get it wrong.

Oh 

yeah. Not all the time. Are we good at this? No. So the first thing you do want to do when you want to build on our vulnerabilities, you create that safe space. The next one is we, you have to have regular check ins. 

We have. Daily check ins throughout the day. 

We work in the same office. 

You're two doors down from me and I love it because I know that if I am really angry or really frustrated with the system or things like that, I can just march my way two doors down and just, Oh, Unload, maybe get some help, whatnot, because chances are I've done something wrong.

Computer wise anyway, right? But you just need to have check in. You have to be intentional about sharing those experiences. Now, we work with each other, but we don't, we're, we work in the same office, but we're not worth each other all day. 

No. 

Like sometimes she'll see me once throughout the day because I'm in meetings or I'm out with families or people.

But you want to have check ins as often as you can. There's this thing that people are like, Oh we talk too much and we, there's nothing else to say. I'm like, bro, there's always something to say. Sometimes just sitting on the couch in each other's presence, that's saying enough, right?

I found. And the hardest times are when the kids are little, and that takes up a lot of your conversation. 

Oh, yeah. 

And then you're trying to find, okay, we're not talking about the kids at our anniversary dinner. We're talking about us. 

We have actually said hello. No kid talk. 

Sometimes we sat in silence for a few moments going.

What are we talking about? What 

are we talking about? Cause that was so funny what they did. Yeah. You're like, we love 

our kids. Darn it. 

And we're trying to really build on our relationship. 

Yeah. And I remember so many times where we were saying, we're not going to do the kid talk, but then you're like, When the kids were young in particular, and they're not even in school yet, you're like, man, they're going to kindergarten next year.

Can you even count properly yet? And then you're concerned about, did we make our kids dumb by not doing these little things like that? We just had those conversations. So you want it to create a safe space to enhance vulnerability. You want to encourage regular communication, do regular check ins. And the last one is you want to prioritize time together without your distractions.

Put the phone away. 

Natalie said it at the very beginning and it's one of the most important things that we see right now in relationships. We coach some couples that someone has headphones on all the time is listening to podcasts while he's driving while he's talking while he's playing video games.

I'm the same way. I want that kind of stuff in my head going on. I can't just sit still, but when Natalie says, Hey, we're, we need to have a moment right now. I'm like a headphone off. She's put your phone down. I'm like, Ooh, okay. That's that. We're getting into this right now. No, no phones during dinner.

We put our phones to the side. We like to sit on the couch with our kids and watch TV while we eat. And we have tables in there or dinner at the table and we have a little. Key ring full of questions. We can ask the family and we've done a lot of those questions, but it's about prioritizing time together.

If you have small children and what we used to do when we we had couch time, all that meant is I would walk in the door. Mom would be like, this is mom and dad's time. We would take 15 minutes on the couch. You kids have to go to your room for 15 minutes and let me talk and connect with dad. And then 15 minutes, you can come down and bump our dad.

Exactly. 

And we did that for a long time. And 

and we've I think this whole entire time have been talking about being intentional and practicing these things because it's not going to, it's going to be awkward. Yeah. Some of the, if you're 

not doing this, it's going to be weird. 

Exactly.

Trying to be present and trying to put someone else's thoughts or 

Their needs above you. 

And putting on the other person's shoes. Is that the way it goes to 

walk a mile in their shoes? Wow. 

Just trying to understand where they're at. Yeah, 

absolutely. And that takes time.

When you start on the five pillars and you're starting with emotional intimacy and you're working towards these things, it takes a lot of work and a lot of practice. And sometimes in your marriage, the honest truth is you don't think about it because you have a lot going on. I am one of those people now.

I probably wasn't before. Where I now think that work should never get in the way of your family. And for a long time, I thought work should get in the way. And it was something that you do because that was the manly thing to do. This is the biblical, I got to take care of my family. And you can't find anywhere in the Bible where the Bible is like, you need to kill yourself at your job to take care of your family.

And so I've learned. to have a balance between work and family. 

Is there 

times where family takes more? Yes. Is there a time where my job takes more? Absolutely. 

And remembering that. It's a partnership, 

right? 

So it's not just where we're celebrating all the good times when it's easy to talk to each other and easy to be available for each other because things are going well.

Yeah. The same has to apply when things are challenging, 

right? And it like emotional intimacy is the first building block. The first place that we should start being vulnerable with each other to be able to communicate with each other and not making feel that people feel ashamed to be able to share those feelings and those thoughts and those, that those dark areas that they know that they can count on you that you can be counted on and 

teaching, Teaching our kids.

We have two boys and a girl teaching our sons. It is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to have feelings and to express them. 

Yeah, absolutely. 

And to our daughter too, but 

right. And it just, it takes a lot of work to be able at that place where you can walk in that daily. That's right. And to it, for it to be such an a key part of your relationship takes effort, takes a lot of work.

And it's not easy. And if you fell off the horse this time, that's okay. Get back on. 

But man, it being able to connect with your spouse, the one that you love, 

it's going to take you the long and you'll see, as we go through the other ones, this sort of is the base. And this is going to take you the long haul when some of the other ones aren't happening.

It'll carry you through when emotional will carry you through when sex doesn't seem like it's a possibility. Exactly. So we just we were starting off into emotional. We got four more of these to go through. We think that they're real, real good. If you like our podcast and we know it's been a while since we've been able to post, but we're back.

I think we've said that before. We want to be back for you. We want to be back and be consistent. We want to be being able to post and share what God's put on our heart for this podcast. But if you like our podcast, it means a lot when you share it and let people know about Amplified Marriage. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

If you have a topic or you have a question, if there's anything you want to discuss, email us at amplifiedmarriage. com. Amplifiedmarriage. gmail. com and as you have heard us say, we believe that your marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged, and restored. Thanks for listening. 

Talk to you soon.