Season 4 Ep. 3 // "The 4R's Framework: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Marriage Drift"

Have you ever looked at your spouse and realized you’ve become "coworkers" managing a small business called life? In this episode, we dive into the first pillar of our 4R’s Framework: Reset. 

We talk about the "drift" that happens in every marriage, that quiet, slow move toward becoming roommates instead of partners, and how to intentionally pull back together. We’re breaking down the difference between a contract and a covenant, how to find the "bonfire" behind your surface-level fights, and why honesty is the only way to rebuild your foundation.

Key Discussion Points

• The 4R’s Framework Overview:
  • Reset: Starting fresh, rebuilding the base, and getting honest about what’s broken.
  • Refresh: Renewing your perspective and your emotional and physical connection.
  • Recharge: Restoring your energy, margin, and capacity for one another.
  • Restore: Rebuilding trust and healing the damage.
• The Danger of the "Drift": Marriage rarely blows up overnight; it’s usually a slow, unintentional drift into logistics and task-driven living.
• Contract vs. Covenant Thinking:
  • Contract: Me-centered; "I’ll do my part if you do yours," often leading to withholding connection based on performance.
  • Covenant: We-centered; "I’m in, even if you are struggling," based on a sacred promise rather than a mood.
• Killing the "Bonfire" of Unmet Expectations: We often fight about the dishes, but the "bonfire" is actually feeling unseen or disrespected.
• The "Vent vs. Fix" Tool: A simple question that changed our communication: "Do you need me to listen, or do you need me to provide a solution?"

You can download the 10-Day Reset HERE!

Transcript

Bryan: You ever look at your spouse and think, I love you, but also, when did we become just coworkers managing a small business called life? If your marriage feels like a shared calendar or a shared mortgage or a shared Netflix password but not much else, this episode will be for you, because marriages rarely blow up overnight. Most of the time they just drift. Sometimes it's quiet and very slowly, like a shopping cart with one busted wheel. You're still moving, but it's getting louder and more annoying every single aisle. So today, we're talking about how to hit a reset. Not start over with someone brand new—relax—reset with the person you've already vowed to build your marriage with.

Natalie: Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage. I'm Natalie.

Bryan: And I'm Bryan. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, we're so glad you've joined us. Get comfy, cozy, grab a coffee, grab a snack. We've got one for you today. And in case you missed our last episode, which was such a long time ago, we are back and we're happy to be here. But in case you missed the last one, we talked about the power of words, the power that they have. And so we are moving on to what we are now calling the 4R's framework for Amplified Marriage. And so here is what we're going to talk about for the next four weeks or for the foreseeable future. We want to go through each week and talk just a little bit more about these 4R's. And the first one—

Natalie: I mean, these are the ones we end every single podcast with.

Bryan: Yeah, right? But we do have—we want to go through this because we believe this is something that's really important for every marriage that we've been developing, apparently, over the last few years that we've done the podcast and marriage coaching and conferences and things like that. So I'm just going to read the four, the explanation that we have for them, and then we're just going to get right into the very first one, which is reset. And so the first one, like I said, is reset: we're starting fresh, you're rebuilding the base, you're getting honest and being honest with each other about what's broken. The next one is—

Natalie: Refresh. So you're renewing your perspective and your emotional connection with each other, and physical connection.

Bryan: Mmm, physical. And then the next one is recharge, which means you're just restoring your energy, some of your margin, your capacity, making room for each other.

Natalie: And finally, restore: rebuilding that trust, healing the damage.

Bryan: Right. And so we're going to start today with reset. And reset is the very foundation of absolutely—especially if you're in a place where your marriage is drifting a little bit. It's where you stop pretending or you get into that place in your marriage where you stop pretending that everything is fine and you get honest enough with each other to start building momentum, building trust, building a space for healing back together again.

Natalie: And sometimes it's not like everything's fallen apart or by the wayside. Sometimes it just—you hit a lull. Yeah, right? You hit a speed bump and it's just the marriage, rather than, you know, cultivating that excitement within the marriage, it's kind of a little bit melodramatic.

Bryan: Mellow and mellow.

Natalie: And mellow, right? And like, we've gone through these seasons numerous times.

Bryan: Right. And it's about—we're talking about you're kind of just drifting into being more like a teammate rather or a roommate. Sorry, a roommate more than you are anything else. Not your couple anymore. You're talking like things about tasks, and you really haven't even talked about the future or, "How's your heart today?" or "What devotion are you doing?"

Natalie: And we've fallen into that so many times because we are task-driven.

Bryan: Well, task-driven because we have to, but our kids are older now, so it's a little bit easier to be not task-driven.

Natalie: Right. So we really have to be intentional. I'm realizing, as our kids get older, that we just don't fall into the trap of doing, doing, doing everything else at the expense of continuing to build momentum within our own relationship.

Bryan: Right. And you're talking mostly about just the things you have to do, but you're never really talking about hard issues. You're not taking 15 minutes and just sitting every night, or having a couch date or couch time or a coffee date talking about hard stuff. You're home, you're running everything on like logistics—how are we going to get this done? But you're not really loving each other or serving each other.

Natalie: Like looking at the calendar and going, "How are we going to make this work?" Like, yes.

Bryan: Yeah. And also, when you're working towards the reset, you're not enemies, you're just not close. You're distant.

Natalie: Right. Maybe not even distant, maybe just passing each other by. Right? And I think that slight off-balance, that is where it's less noticeable than if you were totally checked out.

Bryan: Right. Yeah, if you're totally checked out, you definitely know that you're totally—well, maybe you'd feel it, but you'd definitely feel if you were checked out.

Natalie: Like, I would know if you were checked out.

Bryan: Yeah, you would know, maybe I wouldn't. But sometimes the busyness takes over and that becomes the new normal and it's not as obvious.

Natalie: Right. And as a result of these few things, like you're not enemies, you're running logistics, you're just working through tasks—you both are tired. You both get to a place where you're guarded and you're maybe even jaded a little bit, and it's become the normal for you instead of the exception.

Bryan: Well, and one of the things that we've been talking about, like we just went through the 21 days of prayer at our church. And this was like, okay, we need to do just a reset in our time with the Lord, in our prayer time, in our time together praying over our family and over ministry and everything else that we have our hands set to. But it's that moment where we matter. It's not just the tasks that we're doing. Our relationship matters, our family matters, the needs that we're bringing before the Lord matter. And it's important to not forget that, where everything else takes the priority. Right? Like we're choosing to put us back on the table, if that makes sense.

Natalie: Yeah, to make that a priority again. Because what happens when you—well, we've been through the drift. What happens when you're in the drift is that that's not the priority. The relationship isn't the priority. Dealing with the kids might be the priority, or the job might be the priority. And the problem is, is you stop talking about things, you stop engaging. And so you can't build your strong marriage on the assumptions or on assumptions or even silence.

Bryan: No. Even though you're like, "Oh yeah, we talk all the time." Yeah, you're talking just life things, not even important life things like, "Hey, what are we going to do for vacation? What is our plan for a year from now when we have to get dental work for Billy Bob? What's going to happen right now when our oldest wants to go to college? What are we going to do when we had one of our kids—we actually homeschooled for last many, many years and we put one of our kids in school—how are we going to manage that?" You can't build a really strong marriage on not talking about those hard issues and those big issues and the things that are going to come up and that you're going to have to deal with financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. You have to be able to work those through those things. And I love how you said, "It's back on the table," meaning we decided that we didn't want to keep pushing through just existing; we want to have a successful relationship or a healthy relationship. And so it's back on the table and you're deciding together that this matters.

Natalie: Yeah. And not that—let me be clear—our relationship was never at risk of falling apart. The "back on the table" I think I'm referencing is, it's so easy in ministry, in parenthood, to put everything else ahead of the next important relationship, and that's yours and mine. So it's on the table again as like, we're intentionally choosing to prioritize and pray over our future, not just reserving that for when we've prayed over ministry and prayed over everyone else's needs that we're aware of, but we also bring our things to the Lord in prayer. I hope I'm making sense.

Bryan: Yeah. And the big idea behind the reset is that drift is unintentional, but the reset is very intentional.

Natalie: Exactly. And like, in one of our podcasts we had talked about goal setting and how we had mentioned our family does that New Year's Day sort of a reset, how we do that every year and talk about the highs and the lows and set goals for the year. So this is like piggybacking on that. We're not necessarily talking about the highs and the lows, but like, okay, what is the direction that our family is going? What are the things that we're pressing in for as a family in prayer?

Bryan: And then also understanding too that you should be doing that type of thing—should be done regularly. Not just in the beginning of the year, 21 days of prayer and then it's over with. You should be doing resets and checks and all kinds of things at the beginning of what you're doing.

Natalie: Yeah, this is an ongoing thing. But if you're finding yourself, "Well, I've never done that, I don't know where to start," this is where you can start.

Bryan: Right. So if the idea is the drift is unintentional, but the reset is intentional, I want to ask this question to everyone who's going to listen to this: If someone was to watch your last seven days together, would they say that you're either a teammate, a roommate, or just two people that are sharing a life but you have no connection whatsoever? And this isn't for any kind of shame purposes; this is just to clarify where you are.

Natalie: Just taking inventory.

Bryan: Maybe to add clarity to the situation. Ask yourself that, maybe ask your spouse that, and maybe they respond—maybe this is the beginning of a conversation. But the reset, when you're doing a reset of any kind, it always starts with a little bit of honesty. So we're going to just take this back into something that we've talked about many times, but we're starting the 4R's, the framework for healthy relationships, for restoration if there needs to be restoration. So we are going to start with "Reset your thinking: Covenant versus Contract." And this is where the whole thing turns, is—I've preached this, I believe this—

Natalie: We've had lots of content on this.

Bryan: We've had lots of content on this. The contract mindset is very much me-centered. When you sign a contract, it's all about you and what's good for you and how that's going to work.

Natalie: And what you get out of it.

Bryan: Yeah. So like even what we say here is, "What's in it for me?" Right?

Natalie: "I'll do my part if you do yours."

Bryan: "I'm watching your performance. If you don't perform, then I'm going to take something away."

Natalie: That's right. "If you don't show up emotionally, then I'm going to withhold XYZ."

Bryan: And this is what we have heard in relationships, like the performance: "I'll do my part if you do your part. If you don't do your part, I'm going to withhold sex. I'm going to withhold connection, or I'm going to withhold dates. If you don't pay up emotionally, I'm just going to withhold from you."

Natalie: Right. And maybe that's not the language that you use, but that's the—we had to put language to it somehow. But it's just bringing to light that kind of thinking.

Bryan: Right. And this is the thing is that that type of behavior is not a marriage, that's more like a Netflix subscription service. You perform, I keep paying.

Natalie: I put the coin in and you give the service.

Bryan: I give you the money and you give me the services. So the covenant mindset is very much different. It is we-centered. We are centered in this. Covenant thinking says, "I'm in. I'm choosing you. I'm going to hold up my end of the promise." And here's the other part: "Even if you are struggling with your end of the promise. We're building something bigger than my mood today." My mood doesn't dictate your future.

Natalie: Right. Emotions are not facts.

Bryan: That's right. And so we see oftentimes you hear this quoted at Christian weddings, Genesis 2:24 is a picture of leave, cleave, become one. Not become whatever's convenient. Our culture would have you believe that if it gets hard, it's okay to quit. That if you don't like it, if you're not happy, you don't have to stay. Man, there's been so many times in our marriage over the years where there's times when I'm just not happy right now. That doesn't mean I'm not in love with her. That doesn't mean that I'm going to run away. That doesn't mean—but we're in the middle of a fight, why would I be happy about this right now?

Natalie: Right.

Bryan: And then we see Malachi 2:14 says it calls marriage is a covenant. This is a sacred promise, not just something that you can do—it's just not a casual thing. We just don't say this for just the sake of saying it. Right? So the reset action is you can reset your—this is the phrase—it's very contract-driven: "You reset your story from 'I'm evaluating my spouse's performance' to 'I'm committing to us and I'm going to lead with responsibility.'" Right?

Natalie: Yeah. Not control, not dominance. Responsibility.

Bryan: Right. And that means that your responsibility is you're taking account of your actions. You're taking account of your own thoughts and how you're thinking about it, your perspectives. You're taking account of the things that you say, do, walk through. You are accountable for your actions. That's what responsibility is.

Natalie: Exactly. And covenant—I think we say this lots during our podcasts—but covenant does not mean tolerating abuse. It means a commitment to love, honor, and safety. So if there's intimidation, threats, or harm, please, please, please seek help. Whether professional—please get professional help—but you need to talk to somebody, get some trusted leaders in your space to be able to help you with that.

Bryan: Right. And so you've got to think too is that a consideration for a reset is so often—and we're going to talk about this just a little bit here, we're not going to go too deep into it—

Natalie: Yeah, this one comes up a lot and it's kind of one of those like, "Really, we're talking about it again?"

Bryan: We'll keep talking about it until everyone gets it.

Natalie: We need to because this is the—like one of the top problems that most couples are struggling with, and that's unmet expectations.

Bryan: And unmet expectations are like gasoline on a fire. If there's conflict, if there's already conflict, an unmet expectation literally is just more fuel onto the fire. And most couples—maybe you're fighting about the dishes or who loaded the dishwasher—

Natalie: And those are part of it.

Bryan: For sure. But oftentimes when you're having a big fight over who loaded the dishes, it actually is what those dishes in that moment actually are representing. It's not really about the dishes. Usually, it's about something else, right? Like you feel unseen or you feel like you're disrespected.

Natalie: I have in the past felt alone or overwhelmed, like I'm the one having to carry anything. And this is not just, you know, women being at home. This goes both ways. Right? So it's not just for gender-specific.

Bryan: And so often when we're doing any kind of marriage coaching or conferences and people come and ask us and we talk about this, we have to tell you—and maybe this is where you're at right now—but you have to stop arguing about the surface issues and start getting into where the root of the problem is and actually figuring out what the root is. Because I had someone say to me all the time, he said, "Often times as pastors or if you're a therapist or a psychotherapist or psychologist or anything like that, you're dealing with fires, like little embers." He said, "But you need to go find where the big fire is that's actually causing all of these little fires. What's the bonfire that's causing major problems?" Right? And so we ask a lot of couples the questions that we're asking: Why are you drifting? What are the things that are going on that are happening? And so under—like you actually can ask these questions. And we've had this happen before where we actually taught this at one of our marriage connect groups—this was quite a few years ago: "What do you need right now?"

Natalie: "What are you needing from me right now?" And so there, as we've learned, are comical—not comical—but I mean it is kind of comical, but in hindsight, not in the moment. If you're going to ask that question in the heat of an argument, it might not go as you're hoping. The goal is to ask that question before it's escalated or after you've cooled down. Exactly. So of like, "Hey, I want to be present for you emotionally. I need to know what you're needing from me right now. Are you needing—" It can be a simple question like—and you ask this to me all the time—"Are you needing to vent or are you needing me to fix it? Like provide a solution? Am I listening or am I fixing, or what?" And then it allows me then to ponder, well, what am I actually wanting out of this? And there's times where most often I just want to vent and I want a listening ear.

Bryan: So is it that you want to vent because you know what my answer's going to be, or is it you just don't want to hear what my answer's going to be, or is it a mixture of both?

Natalie: No, the majority of the time, I just want to get it off my chest. I just need to say it out loud so then it does not rent space in my head or in my heart. I just need to lay it on the table. I mean, I'm already thinking it, so I want to—I just got to get it out. Or I've got to write it down so that I'm not dwelling on it.

Bryan: Yeah, that's fair. Right? And so like, ask yourself some of those questions that we just—"What am I afraid this means?" or "What story am I telling myself about you?" And so often we make a mountain out of a molehill or we—what did I hear today when we were doing some training at the church? It said, "imagined conflict." Like you essentially are imagining the things that you're going to say in the conflict even though that's not even what was said, but by the time you get to it, it happens and you've already blown it up in your mind to be this massive thing that is actually not the way it's supposed to be. Right? And so we're just going to give you—here's the thing. We're going to point you back to our very first episode—well, very first full episode—called "Unmet Expectations." It's about all about unmet expectations. But I just want to run through these right now. These are things that you can do that can help your relationship immediately. And we're just going to just run through it because they're so good. It said, "Is your expectation known?" If it's not spoken, it's not known. If you've not said it out loud to each other, it's not known.

Natalie: And can we say, saying it in upstairs when your husband is in the basement or your wife is in the bathroom? Probably not going to qualify as, "Well, I did say it." No, there's times where I'm like, "Bryan, I need you to put whatever you're doing down and I need eye contact. This is what blah, blah, blah, okay?"

Bryan: And so often what we see in couples is that one or the other is punishing each other because they didn't know what the other one wanted. Exactly. So you're upset and I have actually stopped and said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you ever actually verbalize to your spouse that thing that you want them to actually accomplish?" Like, "Hey, it makes me angry when in the morning of the garbage, I know you leave early and you don't take the garbage out—like roll it to the road—instead of doing it the night before. You do it in the morning and then you missed it, so I have to do it." Right? And but you're mad at them because you've never actually said that to them. You've just assumed, "Well, they know about it." Well, how did they know if you've never actually said it?

Natalie: Right. And then, just to cover the bases, let's say you already did articulate it. Yeah. Sometimes it's going to take more than one time. Saying it once—it's like, "Oh, I said I love you on our wedding day and that should be enough until that changes then I'll let her know," or however that saying goes. It—you—it's not just a one and done. There's times where it's like, "Hey, I know that we had a conversation about this. It really would be beneficial, I feel cherished, I feel loved, when you take out the garbage. Can you please try to remember to take it out the night before so that I don't have to?" right? And sometimes it takes more than one conversation.

Bryan: And then it'll eventually it'll settle in as long as you're willing to just keep doing—eventually it'll settle in. So the first one is just you need to make your expectation known. It needs to be achievable. It needs to be something that is realistic. It has to fit the season that you're in. If you've got a new baby, tight finances, and two exhausted humans, the expectations you have for me or for each other need to match the reality that you're in. Exactly. Unrealistic expectations—we see it all the time on Instagram, in movies, in rom-coms. I am a Hallmark movie hater; they are lies to everyone that watches them.

Natalie: They're just very breezy and dream-like.

Bryan: Yeah, for you, anyways. They're horrific. But all those things are—they need to be communicated so you have to know what they are and then they have to be something that is actually achievable. The next one is is once you've made them known, you've achieved it, and you've actually communicated it to them clearly, it's not hinted, it's not sighed at like, "Oh, I guess so." It's not, "Well you—" you hear this one, "Well, if they knew about it or if they loved me or they cared about it—" how do they say? "If they cared, they'd know." Well, really? How does that work? Do you do that with employees at work? No. Right? And again that goes back to sometimes it takes more than one conversation.

Natalie: Right. Some people need more coaching than others.

Bryan: Right. And it needs to be said clearly, directly, kindly, with love. And then once you've done all of those things, the final thing is you need to agree upon it.

Natalie: Right. And by that, it's I cannot treat you like you are a child. Or I shouldn't be treating you like you are a child. Or like you are my son and I'm mothering you. Yeah. Right? It— there has to be a shared mutual understanding of like, "Hey, we are a team," and you know, we've said in lots of podcasts, we have blue jobs and pink jobs and we have purple jobs. Yeah. And there are some things that I will not do. And it's not to say that if you are a woman and you enjoy doing those, have at her. I—like, I will not be mowing the lawn, I will not be weed-eating, I will not be doing any of those kind of chores, I won't be changing the oil on the car. Right? And—but I don't know what other guy things there are. There's lots of things that you do that I help you with.

Bryan: Yeah. But either way, they all have to be something that you both agree on. Not like in a, "I demand that you do this." Not that anyone walks around saying demands with the word "demands," but they have a demanding tone or attitude. Or condescending. Yeah. But it has to be something that if you've done the previous three, if you've made it known, it's achievable, and you've actually communicated it clearly, then when you get to the agreed-upon part, like hey, you guys are working this together—

Natalie: You have a game plan.

Bryan: You have a game plan that you've already formed together because of mutual conversation. I mean that—that's the expectation that we have, right? And that will—that will definitely set you in the right direction. And we want to say this is as we kind of just draw to a close here is that resetting is not just—like we hear this all the time on Instagram, it's a vibe. This place is a vibe or this is a vibe. Reset is a decision that you and your spouse are going to make. You're not trying to win the argument or have one up on each other. You're trying to rebuild your teamwork to rebuild your relationship. Resetting is taking what is far, which drift is unintentional, and rebuilding and resetting and resetting your relationship is intentional. And so you're moving towards an intentional thing. So resetting starts with honesty and you keep that going with a constant agreement. Do you agree?

Natalie: I agree. 

Natalie: Yes. We've also created a 10-day reset that we'll put on our website, amplifiedmarriage.ca, where you can download a PDF copy.

Bryan: Absolutely. And if you like our podcast, it means a lot when you share it, you let people know about Amplified Marriage. You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook. If you have a topic or question like we always ask, and if there's anything you'd like to discuss, you can email us at amplifiedmarriage@gmail.com or you can actually reach us through Facebook or Instagram. Uh, and you've heard us say many times before, we believe that your marriage, our marriage, anyone's marriage can be,

Natalie: Reset, Refresh, recharged, and restored.

Bryan: Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.

Would you like me to create a summary of the 10-day reset mentioned at the end of the episode?