Season 2 Ep 22 // The Grass on the Other Side might be Artificial Turf.

"The grass is greener on the other side".  We have all heard it, maybe even said it. We take some time to break apart the fallacy of the statement and the damage is can cause if people adopt the mindset. 

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Transcript

The Grass on the Other Side might be Artificial Turf.

Bryan: welcome to season two, episode 22 of the amplified marriage podcast. Today we are talking about the grass is greener, and if it's greener on the other side, it could be artificial.

Natalie: Welcome to another episode of amplified marriage. I'm Natalie Bryan, where ever you are, whatever you're doing. You hear us say this every single podcast, gravity, grab a coffee and a snack. Get cozy and comfy. We're so glad that you joined us for our chat. 

Bryan: Well, as you heard, we are going to be talking today about the grass is greener.

And if you happen to miss our last podcast, it was all on the attitude of gratitude. Gratitude is the best attitude. I feel like I've got a radio voice today. 

Natalie: Yeah, it's really, 

Bryan: it's really deep. It's really deep. It's what happens when you preach in the morning and your voice is like scratchy deep. It's weird.

But today we're talking about grass is greener. On the other side, something we have been noticing. It is a general lack of dissatisfaction in a lot of couples and a lot of we've even been there. Yeah. We've been there for sure. You're just thinking about what's maybe past this. I remember when you were watching all the Housewives of orange 

Natalie: county, I don't recommend that show.

And if you are a fan of that, Maybe just chances are you're. 

Bryan: If you're a woman and you're watching it, your husband is suffering with something, maybe possibly with the attitude of it was, it was a weird period where you're I would come home and you would be like, why don't you make more money? I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't make more 

Natalie: money. Yes. Fostered a unrealistic expectation and viewpoint. I mean, these people. Looking at it now in a healthy spot. What I want to be anyone from the Housewives of orange county? No, like they are a messed up group of people. But the materialistic availabilities that they have, because of all the money that they've got was just really enticing for me because we didn't have any money.

Right. And we didn't have, we could never just walk onto a car lot and rogue purchase a vehicle and pay cash for it. Right. So it really fostered an unhealthy. Viewpoint of you who was providing, but in my opinion, after watching that, like you weren't providing at all, right? So apparently it, it can be dangerous ground if you are filling yourself up with stuff like that or not even.

And I know we're going to get into this next bit here with romcom fantasies, but. Books are also, they can also be really dangerous because it's a fantasy world. Right. And you envision yourself in there and then look at your spouse instead of, you know, the character that's like sweeping the girls off their feed and all of that.

And then you look at your spouse. He was. Picking his nose on the couch, maybe. I don't know. And it's just really not, it's not at all what you thought it would be. So it's really easy to go down that. Right. There's gotta be something better out 

Bryan: there. Right. And so today we do want to start with this attitude that we see this wrong romcom fantasy.

It's really interesting because you see in these, in these movies like it really started with Jerry Maguire when that whole thing at the end of the movie where it's like, you complete me, you had me at hello, where it, this idea that another person completes you so much, that their absence means you cannot function.

Right. Right. And when that doesn't happen, you actually Begin to question whether or not you are even in the proper relationship, because it doesn't look like Jerry Maguire doesn't look like any romcom fantasy that you had. It doesn't look like any one of those things. And so you begin to question, well, maybe if I would have held it longer or maybe if she would be this way or he would be this way, or maybe if they did this, or maybe if they had that job, that cliche really comes up.

I don't know how many times I've heard it in my lifetime, not just in relation to relationships or marriages. Dating couples or, but the, the grass is always greener on the other side. It's such a fallacy and it's a super lie in my opinion, big time. 

Natalie: And it does not, if that's the trajectory that your thoughts are going down.

I mean, it's, it's, it gets ugly, right. Because anyone who's going to project their own insecurities or purchasing. What, how they're really feeling and the state of their current relationship onto someone else, like it's their fault, right? Like, even though, like, you've heard a say so many times and Bryan will say, oh, it was, you know, it was mostly me or whatever, or like he was saying, it was mostly him that had the issue in our marriage.

You know, if you are looking at your spouse, you're looking at your partner and going amen. Like that, it's it is. You know, if you're pointing, you know, the saying, if you're pointing your finger at someone, there are three more fingers pointing back at you. There's always two sides. Right? Right. And so to be able to project these negative or these fantasy.

Viewpoints and ideas without taking a solid look at why am I? 

Bryan: And because it, the grass is greener has been so overused. And so D kind of like the word, when we say the word love, like love and our culture means you love. The green bay Packers, you love Starbucks and Starbucks. You love the movies. You, you love your car.

You love your pets. You love your house. You love, love is such an overused word that has taken away. The meaning just like when we use the grass is greener on the other sides. We say that just like casually, like. Okay, without looking at the current grass that we're sitting in, the current state that we're in and doing our best to improve that we're like, well, I'm willing to go to hunt, put a hundred percent of my effort into something that's across the fence and look over there and maybe put effort into that rather than looking at the situation I'm in with the person I love and the people that I'm with and say, I love that.

And I want to be with them and actually watering that grass and putting effort into that relationship. So we're taking effort away from the current situation and putting on a, on a future situation that doesn't even exist in our mind. We're building it up. Like this is going to be some great thing. And so we start making plans for it and how this is going to happen and blah, blah, blah.

But meanwhile, the relationship you're in is suffering 

Natalie: that's right, right. And your idea, like people have said to us, oh, like our strive is to have a marriage like yours. You don't want that. If you knew what you want, what you currently see, that's the highlight reel, right? But you don't, I mean, we've been together for 22 and a half years.

You don't want to walk that road that we had to walk to, to get to where we're at now. We're still not arrived. 

Bryan: What you want is the healthy portion of a relationship. 

Natalie: You don't see the blood, sweat, and tears that. Went into the frustrations and the disappointments and the arguing and the bickering that, that went in our journey to get us to the place that we're at now.

Right? It's like Instagram, everybody, nobody puts realistic things on. Maybe there is, I shouldn't just say nobody does. The majority of Instagram is all the highlight stuff. Nobody's gonna put themselves with no makeup on there. And I'm one of those people like. I have photos of me with no makeup on. I want to look my best, right.

And like the wrong calm. It gives a false idea of how you truly are doing and how you truly are feeling. Right. I mean, we could slap a photo of our family on Instagram and be all super duper happy and have just had a screaming match before you'd never 

Bryan: know. No. Right. And so with this grass is greener.

It's like we did some research. It's an actual syndrome that people actually have. So what they feel in the moment, or people are liking, we felt this is you don't feel any stability, right? You don't feel any confidence, no security, confidence. And you know, the person that they're doing their best for you in the, in your present circumstances.

Like, and then there's also like Natalie, who's a forward she's a forward thinker when it comes to. What could possibly go wrong? 

Natalie: Well, that was a nice way of putting it that 

Bryan: you're a forward thinker and all the things like bad that could happen prepared. Yeah. You're prepared for the worst. Like you've heard about that episode of that podcast, but so now.

In our current present circumstances would realize, Hey, we're not stable. We're not emotionally connected. We're not secure. And then she's also taking those moments and projecting them onto the future because that's just how her personality works. Like what's it going to be like a year from now or two years from now?

What if we had kids? And then the worst case scenario oftentimes comes over. Now the truth is, is that most of the time in our experience I can say this safely is that when people have a grass is greener problem happening in their life and issue often times. It isn't just about the relationships.

It also becomes with their careers, what they're living with. And it's like you have, that was that scripture and probably can't serve two masters. 

Natalie: There's always one foot out the door. Yeah. 

Bryan: So you're not present with your current relationship and the things that in the situation that you're in and you're, and this isn't just like having a vision for the future, right.

This isn't that's important, but this isn't like when you have a grass is greener mentality. You're not thinking. 

Natalie: Well, you're not vision. Oh, I was going to say villainizing 

Bryan: Natalie word that's for sure. And I think we should use that though. Okay. So you're not vision 

Natalie: excellent. Potentially with your current partner or spouse or situation that your situation that you're in, you're looking to.

Who or what can provide that gratification and that satisfaction that I feel like I'm. And 

Bryan: oftentimes even from our own experience, this grass is greener mentality is based out of out of fear. It's a fear. You have fear. Yeah. You're being trapped, that you're going to be bored, that there's deer just going to lose your, your identity.

Are you going to lose your personality? Are you going to lose? You don't have a job. You don't have a house. What are you going to do? Maybe you're being oppressed in the relationship. There's lots of things that could possibly happen, but it, the trigger is going to be fear. Yes. 

Natalie: Right? Yep. And then what, what happens after the fear creeps in right then there.

Compromise. So if you're fearing commitment then compromising or what you feel you're compromising your desires or certain needs that you have. Maybe your values for the sake of being unified with your spouse can really feel like an oppressive sacrifice. 

Bryan: All right. Well, and if you're in a relationship you want the one that you're with to be supporting you in all of those things, right.

And you're working your values and your commitment and your needs all that together to both work into that relationship. So you're moving forward together where you don't feel like you're being oppressed, oppressed, but 

Natalie: honestly, in a healthy relationship. Neither like nobody is in control. Right? Right.

Like in, in our relationship, it's not me controlling everything, all my, everything that I want, everything that I crave or value happening on my terms. Like there's another human being that that is across from me that you, you have to take into consideration. Yeah. Right, right. So there's a perception.

Somewhere outside of my current relationship, somewhere outside of the chaos that might be happening now, there is that someone who will be able to fulfill all of these things for. But I'm in control of it, right? 

Bryan: Like, yeah. And, and like, we know some couples that we've been coaching in the last a while that they're now in crisis because of that, they're now in crisis thinking that what they have currently isn't good enough and have pretty much for taking the relationship and decided to go the direction they want and there's children involved and it's going to be hard and it's going to be.

And there's going to be a lot of stuff that's going to be really tough to deal with. Because instead of watering the grass that they had, they decided that what was the name of the side was even better. Yeah. So th there's something that happens. There's this perception that everything we want, just like you said, everything we want, we crave, we need all is on the other side.

And we actually project that fantasy. Like you, like you projected what? The orange, the orange, orange, the Housewives, what you projected, what you were feeling in that moment onto me and made essentially tried to make me feel an added. And as a provider and less than because I wasn't doing, and that was a insecurity and a lack of maturity for sure.

But you were projecting what you were feeling onto me expecting me to feel the same 

thing. 

Natalie: Right. Because face it, we all want what we can't have or we all want what we don't have. Right. And in that particular, like that show was just so such a tool to. Get me to see all the things while I already knew what I didn't have.

Right. And what I w you know, possibly could never have. And it just made me furious. Right. Right. And so if, if you're always looking outside of your relationship, then. There's there's a lack of hay. So we talked about the oppressive sacrifice. If I'm looking to someone else or I'm looking over the fence, let's say to a brighter future that I'm in control of, then the sacrifice in my mind doesn't seem that oppressive.

Right. Right. Rather than looking at my current situation and being present in the moment of what I'm actually dealing with, because the issues yeah. Like I'm speaking for myself. The issue is me in this particular scenario. Nothing's going to change, right. And if I I'm, I'm fooling myself. If I think that looking over the fence is going to change anything, but it's a false sense of control.

Like. 

Bryan: I agree. And it's funny because even as we're talking about this, I think that we should change the cliche. The grass is only greener on the other side to the grass isn't greener. On the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. Amen. Right. It's just tiring to always and exhausting to now.

You literally are putting emotional and mental, spiritual energy now into two different places instead of. Yeah, you're, you're splitting yourself. You're separating yourself into this. Well, I want this, instead of doing it with your partner, you're taking all of the, the vision, the vision . Is that 

Natalie: right? I think it was, I think it was vision.

Bryan: We're going to visualize, but you're taking all of that, that you could be doing with the person that you. And visualizing it together instead, you're splitting yourself with what currently is happening and what ends up happening is the current relationship. The current environment takes the hit for your energy, because what you think is better is over there.

So that's where you're willing to put your energy. That's just human nature. You're striving 

Natalie: for an 

Bryan: illusion, right? And so the grass is greener and sometimes it may look like it or, and the grass really does. It's shiny and new. 

Natalie: Springtime you fertilize and you air raid and everything just comes up 

Bryan: lush and your relationship oftentimes in the dating period, sometimes even into the early into the early ours was not like that at all.

I 

Natalie: have a honeymoon phase, but we've heard that there, our honeymoon, this 

Bryan: is a real thing that actually happens. We did have the honeymoon phase. We're in a honeymoon phase. Now we had the love locals on when. And then we got married in immediately. The goggles. Remember that podcast? Yeah, the Jekyll and Hyde.

But the thing is, is that most relationships start out in the honeymoon. And then what happens is then your love goggles begin to get cracks in the area. Your grass starts to show a little bit of where and what was green now has it gets a little bit dull and there's some flat patches. And like, it's just not the same as it was before.

We think that when you have love goggles on love, literally at the beginning of your relationship will conquer all things most of the time. 

Natalie: Right? That's right. But I mean, love covers a multitude of sins. The word says, right? And so, 

Bryan: but sometimes the love covering the multi-use tutor sins. Doesn't survive contact with in-home living together with each other.

Natalie: That's true. And there's a desire when we're looking over the other side of the fence, there's a wish. For our internal selves to be happy, right? Unscathed fully satisfied. Yes. And if we're looking to, I mean, only God can fill that void. Like you will never be able to fill and complete me and leave me unscathed and leave me fully satisfied or happy.

It's just not possible for you. It's not possible for 

Bryan: anybody. No. And, and the, you complete me as a. 'cause like we, even, even when I was preaching you compliment me. Absolutely. I was preaching today. And it was one of those things. If you're so wrapped up into your job and your identity is in your job, you will use a job as, as a thing.

All of your, you talk about your job, you love your job, but only thing you think about your job and then one day and your whole identity is. Like that's who you are. Like when you tell people, what do you do for me? I could say, Hey, I'm a pastor. What do you like to do for fun? I pastor, what do you, what do you do for as a hobby?

I pastor like it could become all consuming to me. And there's many, many people out there that that's their identity. It's still what happens when that part of your identity is stripped. Exactly what happens if you're so invested into your spouse? We're not saying that they don't compliment you. They don't fill the roles in the relationship as they're supposed to.

That's not what we're saying. What we're saying is, is you can't find your end all be all life giving life into your spouse because they could be taken 

Natalie: away. That's why the illusion is that it's somewhere else. 

Bryan: And because when you start to feel the dullness of the grass, you're looking to get that fresh feeling you had when you first started dating.

Natalie: Realistically, if we're talking about, you know, the comparison of grass to relationships and, you know, if you, if you've ever been. Seen turf and I mean, it's perfect. Yeah. Right. And they look real, but it's perfect. Right. But when they roll it out and they lay it and you do all the things and you will allow it the chance to like really root into the ground and all of that, you don't want to walk on it.

Right. Because you will, there will be imperfections after that. Right. So the grass is, is never going to be a shiny is when you. Get it. Right, right. It's never, it's never going to look like that again. 

Bryan: Right. And our job is to keep the grass that we have as green, as humanly possible, which sometimes takes a lot of work.

It takes a lot of outside help and no matter 

Natalie: what can we just camp out on there, the outside help, if you are suffering, I mean, we are counseling advocate. Yeah, and we regret not going and seeking out counseling because of, again, another cliche that, you know, it was almost taboo and was almost shameful for anyone to admit they needed counseling.

Well, we want to smash that thought process. If that's you professionals are there for a reason, 

Bryan: right? It may take some time to find the right professionals, 

Natalie: right? Like if you need to shop around, but you, there comes a point. In your life where actually we know a couple of that sought out counseling, nothing was going amiss in the relationship.

They sought it out as a preventative. Yeah. So they were being proactive going. Okay. You know, in hearing other people talk in this. Some trouble spots. And so we're going to nip this in the bud before it turns into something big. Right. And I, we highly, I thought that was the greatest thing. I was like, what, what a testimony to other people.

So resist the urge to feel shame or to be shamed if you are needing outside help. That's what it's there 

Bryan: for. No. Okay. And I do want to make a clarification in what we're saying. We're not saying that the grass is greener on the other side, if you're in an abusive relationship, Versus abusive. When, if you're in an abusive physically, emotionally, spiritually, they're abusing.

That's not a stay in, try and grow the grass, especially if you sought help for it. There's a few things we don't need to go through them all. We're not going to go through them, but you're going to know what is something that you want to water and what you're not right. And so 

Natalie: talking about abusive situations, 

Bryan: right?

And so there is some patterns in people's lives that we want to bring out and I can actually identify with, with a couple of them. But the first one is patterns that kind of have a. A bit of a root in the grass is greener is repetition. I hate repetition. I hate doing the same thing over and over. If I was in a factory job, I would lose my marbles.

I knew a guy that was just, I knew a guy that he loved his job got paid really well to Flipboard. That's all he did. He didn't want to be a manager. He didn't want it. And he's like, cause I want to spend time with my family and do it. He was like, I don't need to have anything else. I can't flip boards for living and we were good buddies.

And as I did, they would drive me crazy repetition. Yes. There's a pattern in your life where you constantly know Natalie has. In previous podcasts or maybe not, but I used to go, I go through this two year, as soon as I get a job, I'm happy with it for about two years. And then all of a sudden things start to go sideways because it's not what I want to keep doing.

Oftentimes, because the job gets kind of mundane and it ends up being the same thing over and over. And, and I've had to like, and the thing is, is that. But I, but my attitude changes, my heart changes. I get irritable because I'm just doing something that is monotonous. I'm doing the same thing over and over.

That's just me that actually very much carried from the jobs that I was in into our relationship. So, so much so that she's like, you better figure out what. Whatever's going on line, find joy in your job that you are in that job because you're making this miserable 

Natalie: for me. That's right. And again, I mean, I like routine.

So for me, not, not that I could say that I would enjoy flipping boards seeing as we're on that one, but I like the stability. I like knowing what my job is. I like knowing the parameters that I'm to operate in. And so for me, what you would think is monotonous and boring to me would be, this is following.

The guidelines are following the rules. Now, if you are that person that enjoys constant change, like you do enjoy change all the 

Bryan: time, as much as possible, 

Natalie: inherently wrong with that. But if your motivation. For the constant change comes from the repetition of dissatisfaction. That's right. 

Bryan: You're in hot water being dissatisfied with life.

That's very true. The next one is perfection. If you want to go from one goal from an abusive relationship to a positive functioning. But it's a string of, of, of functioning relationships are never good enough. Even the good ones. If you are finding good relationships and you're still jumping from place to place like this is before you get married, or even if you're married, you've been married four times because all that ends up happening isn't we don't ever, this is the thing about a divorce oftentimes.

For this case say someone gets married because they thought grass is greener. On the other side, they break up whether say, there's kids involved. Well, now you are taking all of your current baggage, the stuff that you didn't deal with, even if it was an amicable divorce. I've seen amical amicable divorces, but they, you still carry the same baggage.

You still have the same moons. You still have the same things that you're dealing with and you carry that to your next relationship unless it's dealt with. And most people, when they go from a divorce, one divorce and then move on to someone else. Most of the time, there's not a lot of people working on themselves.

They just blame the other person. There's a lot, lot of I'm from a divorced home. There's a lot that happens in outside those things, but you carry baggage from place to place. You don't deal. 

Natalie: You do. And there's never a perfect match. Right? Right. Again, 

Bryan: the find the one that 

Natalie: completes you, right? The strive for perfection, you're going to be incredibly disappointed in your life.

If that's what you're striving to seek after. 

Bryan: That's for sure. The next one is wanting to, to have 

Natalie: your cake and eat it too. I love that. 

Bryan: Here's the thing is if you water the grass in the situation that you're in, you will be able to have your cake and eat it 

Natalie: too. Ooh, that's good. Exactly offset. Right. But we talked earlier a little bit about the struggle of the compromise and feeling like it's an oppressive sacrifice.

If you must have. Every want or need or stimulation in your life in order to function, then it's like, like the grass is never going to be green enough. No, unless you're the only one on the grass. Right, right. Because no, one's going to be able to live up to that expectation. 

Bryan: Right. And which comes back to our very first episode ever is unmet expectations.

Right, right. You can like, honestly, I do believe you can have your cake and eat it too, but you have to be willing to work on the current relationship that you're in. Right. The last one is ultimate dissatisfaction. If you're in, we even say this, like, are you ultimately dissatisfied with everything in your.

Or is there a part of it that you're like, you know what? I really think this could be better. Are you, would you like to have a better job position once you're happy with your relationship or you're, you're unhappy with your relationship, but you have a great job and you're willing to work on your relationship when we're saying ultimate dissatisfaction.

Have you ever been what I like to call a negative? I've been around a negative Nelly. Yep. Everything sucks. Everything is a problem. They complain about everything. Their job is terrible. The relationship is terrible. The kids are terrible. Their friends are terrible. The church is terrible. The green bay Packers, I didn't even like the green bay Packers, but the green bay Packers are terrible.

Everything is terrible and they're dissatisfied with everything and they will bring you down, run from those people because they are life suckers 

Natalie: and you become the company you hang out with. Oh boy. Do you ever think. Maybe your, the negative. Now, if you can look at an illuminating moment for you, right?

Bryan: If you could look into your friend group and you can't figure out which one of them is a negative Nelly, it might 

Natalie: be right. But so then, and again, it's not too late, like these are all tools in, in the tool belt to show you the pattern to show you exactly. Right. It's not the end. And I guess this is just, you know, I'm terrible or I like this is never going to change or whatever it will, sometimes it, it takes a little while and sometimes you need this light bulb moment.

And I'd like to think that the pot, every podcast is just another tool in your arsenal. Right. And 

Bryan: I think the, this leaving people before we close with a practical application of what we would do would be if you know that you're struggling with it. The thing you need to do is go to your partner, your spouse, and just communicate that you're struggling with this.

And just be like, look, I've really been struggling with being disabled. I want more from my relationship. You have to eat your pride, suck it up. If you're a man, suck it up and get in there and just tell your wife or your partner, your, your, your fiance, whoever tells your, your partner that, Hey, I'm struggling with this.

I don't want to. And I want this to work and I want this to be the best that we possibly can, but each year pride step up to the plate man or woman, and just do what you gotta do to make that relationship work, because you can have your cake and you can eat it too. 

Natalie: Right. Effort. It takes 

Bryan: effort and energy and investment.

Natalie: It's worth it. If you're both sharing the common vision, right? 

Bryan: Absolutely. You're visualizing it 

Natalie: together. It's just going to say, if we leave you with one thing of vision together, 

Bryan: that's going to go in the show notes. We're going to vision eyes, our relationship. Right. We're just like, these are all like, we're talking about people that aren't in abusive relationships, aren't in relationships that where you're it's you need to get a, we're talking about if you're in a relationship and you're just feeling dissatisfied.

That's. I would like to think that's actually okay. Like as long as you're communicating it well and healthy and proper, it's okay to have times where you're just like, I just, I want more out of this relationship, but what you do with that visioning, see what I did there you do with that visualizing is what's going to differentiate between ultimately a healthy relationship or you seeing what you're trying to see.

What's on the other side of the. 

Natalie: Yeah, and it, and nothing's going to change, right? It's like, you're always going to be wanting. And then, you know, there's this whole like, well, I can just jump back over the fence, but then you're just creating baggage in the stream of garbage and yeah. And emotional distress that now you're having to pick up that, like, it's just way too messy.

You essentially dig your own 

Bryan: fertilize, your own lawn. Yeah. Fix your own grass on the grass that you're on. Exactly. 100%. Believe that you can have the most healthy marriage that you possibly 

Natalie: can. Yeah. But I like what you said it does boil down to communicating. Are you wanting more intimacy with your, with your spouse?

Communicate that come up with a plan on how to accomplish that together. Right. Are you wanting more time with your spouse or quality time, more being present in the moment, right? You fill in the blanks. Absolutely. Right. And we have, and there were some really ugly conversations and there might be for you too, some ugly conversations.

It might get ugly before it gets better. Your grass might go brown before it gets better. And before you can bring it to that lush green 

Bryan: fire for a little while first, before it can go. 

Natalie: All 

Bryan: right. But it can. Yeah. And we're advocates to, to have the. Tough conversations to have the communication that may not be the prettiest or the most well, but you need to communicate and talk about it right on a well air.

We are getting to this place where we're moving onto what we're we're wanting to end this with, but if you like this podcast, And it means a lot when you actually get the opportunity to share it and let people know about the amplified marriage podcast. You can follow us on Instagram and on Facebook.

We do have a challenge that's coming up, but you have to listen to the podcast too, to see what it is. If there's a topic or question or anything you'd like us to discuss, you just have to email. Or leave a voicemail, WW dot www dot dot com 

Natalie: at g-mail dot com. 

Bryan: Oh Lord, man. We just blew this whole thing, but as you've heard us say many times before we believe that marriage can be reset, refreshed, recharged.

Thanks so much for listening.