The Hidden Rules You Live By

Some of the strongest forces in your life are the ones you never agreed to consciously: the “rules” you’re living by. They show up as quiet expectations about how hard you should work, what a good partner looks like, what your house should look like, what you’re “allowed” to eat, and even what you can wear out of the house. I start with a personal reflection on growing up in a military family with complicated feelings about the Fourth of July, because it’s a perfect example of how pride, pain, identity, and inherited beliefs can all coexist.

Then we get practical. I walk you through a mindfulness-based way to spot subconscious beliefs using the cloud metaphor: notice your thoughts without judgment so you can respond instead of react. From there, I share prompts you can use right away to list your rules for work, dating or marriage, home care, nutrition, and fashion and to ask the bigger question: do these rules serve the life you’re trying to build?

We also talk about where rules get sticky, like conflict. I share a personal rule I’m still rewriting, “I can’t disagree with adults,” and how it can cause shutdowns even when you’re capable and confident. To uncover your own limiting beliefs, I offer two powerful clues: where you feel resistance and where you feel duplicity, the “I want to, but I can’t because…” loop.

If this hits home, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a five-star rating so more people can find the show. 

ENJOY THE PODCAST?
Leave us a 5-star review so more people can find us!

If you’re ready to build confidence, identity, and aligned results, check out The Art of Magnetism or book a free discovery call. 

GET THE NEWSLETTER
Events, Programs & More. Click the link above to join.

LEARN MORE ABOUT COACHING
NandiCamille.com

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE DISCOVERY CALL
Click Here

ASK A QUESTION + LET'S BE SOCIAL
Email: hello@nandicamille.com
Instagram: @nandi.camille

Learn more about Nandi and Life Coaching at: NandiCamille.com

Transcript

Welcome And What We Do Here

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, friends, and welcome to Believe Like a Ball. I'm your host, Life Coach Mandy Camille. Join me as I teach you how to smash your goals and expand the possibility of your life through mindset management, spiritual alignment, and authentic action. I'll teach you how to create what I like to call a life of thrive with ease and authenticity. It's time to play with what's possible. Are you ready? Let's go.

Fourth Of July And Mixed Feelings

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to another episode of Believe Like a Boss. I am your host, Life Coach Nandi Camille. Welcome back, my friends. I hope you had a wonderful 4th of July weekend. If you are not an American and you do not care about Independence Weekend, I hope that you had a lovely, restful weekend. I know there's a lot of mixed feelings over here in the United States of America, here on our 250th anniversary. But as someone that grew up as a military child, which is so funny, there's a whole story here. I grew up in the military, being that like my dad was in the military, and then I had two grandfathers that were in the military as well. My dad was in the Navy and I had two grandfathers in the Air Force. And so growing up, America was very much a part of my upbringing. Not just because I was born in America and I'm an American child, but because my I have this lineage of military service. I was raised on bases. And so I was raised around the military. I was raised around men in uniform. I was raised around, you know, proper etiquette of the flag and how to um properly fold the flag. I was an ROTC. I learned how to fold the flag. I actually went to boot camp with Marines. So I actually have a lot of um loving ties to America and who we are because that's how I was raised, and that's the environment that I was raised in was to be proud of this nation. And at the same time, this is the funny part. My dad, who was a naval commander in the United States Navy, does not celebrate the 4th of July. Um he, as a black man, both my parents are black, whether or not people believe me. Um, you'll have to go on Instagram if you're like, I don't even know what you look like, Nadi. Go find me on social media. Um, but my dad being an African-American naval commander, even though he fought for this country, he fought in the Persian Gulf War, he still did not feel like this country fought for him and truly accepted him. So it was really interesting growing up, where my mom was very much like she grew up military too. So her father was Air Force. She then married my dad, who's Navy, and actually both my mom's um father and stepfather, those are my two grandfathers that are in the Air Force. We're both in the Air Force. So she grew up in England, moving all over the place. She would take us to, you know, fireworks show and she'd get us all the matching old Navy red, white, and blue stuff. So my mom would go all in. My dad would be like, I don't celebrate the 4th of July because you know the United States doesn't actually care about me. So I had a really interesting upbringing when it came to just my view of America. Um, we could talk about that forever. Um, but I truly do have, I mean, I'm grateful for where I was born. We definitely have things to work on, but that's not what today is about.

What Are Your Rules Really

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Regardless, I hope you had a beautiful weekend, my friends. Today we're talking about what are the rules and where did you get them? What are the rules? I think that's a kind of a perfect segue of just talking about parents. What are the rules you're living by? Often we get these rules, and as I'm saying it, you might be like, what are you talking about? What are the rules that I'm living by? We're gonna get into it in a second. But what this came from was often we're just living by these subconscious beliefs, thoughts, expectations that we're not really aware of. And one of the ways that I like to look at this is asking the question, what are the rules you're living by and where did you get

Mindfulness And The Cloud Metaphor

SPEAKER_01 3:41

them? So, again, as a mindfulness-based coach, mindfulness is awareness without judgment. I'm gonna ask you a few questions, and I want you to just be mindfully aware of what comes up for you. Just notice. And when, again, when I say notice, when we say notice, I want you to think about clouds in the sky. This was one of the very first examples when I started studying mindfulness that was given to me. And honestly, it didn't totally make sense to me at the time. So if it feels like it doesn't totally make sense to you right now, that's okay. Um, mindfulness is a journey, it's an ongoing journey of being able to sit with your emotions, sit with yourself, be with yourself, and respond instead of react. That's the way I like to think about it. And that's what I teach my clients to do is to respond to life and create the results that they want instead of reacting and feeling depleted, right? So when we're thinking about mindfulness and we're thinking about that cloud example, when you're looking at the sky, you cannot control the clouds, right? You cannot control the shape of them, you cannot control if they're cumulus clouds or cumulonimbus clouds, if they're stratus clouds. And you're like, Nanda, you do not know the names of these clouds. Yes, I do. I love clouds, I love nature. So, yes, I do know the names of these clouds. But you can't control like the cloud shape or the color, you can't control how fast the clouds are moving or if they're going to move or if they're covering the whole sky, if they're just covering a part of the sky. And so, in that same way, it's that example of watching your thoughts, noticing, oh, my thoughts are gray today, or noticing, oh, they're moving very quickly today, right? You you can't grab a cloud and change it. Now we and that's where the metaphor maybe gets a little sticky. It's like, well, you can change your thoughts, right? It's like, yes, but often we get thoughts out of nowhere, right? We get the crazy thoughts, we get sad thoughts, we get thoughts that truly come out of nowhere. And so truly, I think that that cloud metaphor helps us to observe the thought. Oh, where did this cloud come from? Oh, isn't it so interesting that it's really extra dark today? Isn't it so interesting that it's a cumulonimbus cloud today, right? I'm just noticing without judgment. And so, in the same way, I wanted to invite you to look at your thoughts that way, to be curious about your thoughts. And that way we can respond instead of react. So I'm gonna ask you some questions, and I just want you to notice what comes up. As always, you can pause the podcast, bring this back later, save this for later, answer it, talk to yourself as you're listening to this podcast. I think self-talk is a great tool. I think it's a great tool. So I'm gonna ask you some

Rules For Work Love Home Food

SPEAKER_01 6:04

questions. One, two, three, four, five, five, five here. What are your rules for work? I wanted to start with one that was easy. What are your rules for work? I have to work at XYZ. I have to make X amount of money. I have to dress professionally. Professionally dress means blank. I have to get up at this type of time for this type of work. I can only do these kinds of jobs. Or you can even zoom in a little bit closer, right? What are your exact rules for your exact line of work? You have to show up at a specific time, you have to dress a specific way, you have to speak a specific way. What are your rules for work? Just notice. Rules that you've given yourself, rules that HR has given you, rules that your family has given you when it comes to work. You can only work these kinds of jobs, you're not allowed to work those kinds of jobs. Check in. What are your rules for work? And again, we're just here to notice our thoughts, right? Notice the beliefs, notice the expectations that we have in our life. Because at the end of the day, my intention for you is to just check in. Do you like what's going on? All right, we have our conscious, we have our subconscious, and our subconscious is running most of our lives. And so these questions really help us to look in and see what's happening inside and check in. Do I like the rules that I'm subconsciously following? And if I don't, let's check in where did I get these rules from? Who gave them to me? Why do I follow them? Is it is it because they've kept me safe? What would happen if I didn't follow them? What if I chose a different set of rules now? Right? So the first one is what are your rules for work? Second, what are your rules for dating? If you're married, what are your rules for marriage? Right? I cannot cheat. It's a valid rule. And I'm not saying rules are bad. I want to check in there too, right? What are your thoughts about rules? Maybe we need to start there. Maybe when I said rules, you're like, oh, I hate rules, rules are bad, rules are dumb, right? But some rules are really actually very helpful. For the example of if in your relationship you've decided to be monogamous, monogamous, you and your partner, then yes, the rule of cheating is not allowed is a really helpful rule. As long as you both agree and you both like it, great. Now, if one of you has a problem with that rule, we have to have a bigger conversation. But rules are not inherently bad. Right? The rule to stop at a red light. I'm so grateful for that rule. I'm so grateful for the rule that we stop at a red stop sign. Those are super helpful rules. I'm so grateful for those rules. What are your rules for dating? And again, if you're married, what are your rules for marriage? Just check in. Notice what comes up. Bonus, get out a notebook, write out a list. You don't have to write out full sentences, just make a list. What are my rules for dating? They must show up on time. They must, da da da da. They must, I must. What comes up for you? Just notice. Third question What are your rules for taking care of your home? Do you have rules for taking care of your home? You're like, oh, I I don't know. Right? Check in. Maybe there again, these might be subconscious rules. They're not necessarily written somewhere. Maybe you have a roommate and they leave dishes in the sink every night and it drives you crazy because you have a rule that you wash your dishes as soon as you are done using them. Whereas your partner or your roommate has a rule that, or they were raised in a house that said, you wash dishes once a day at the end of the day. And so they're fine with them piling up all day. They're gonna do them every single night at 8 p.m. after they're done with dinner. But for you, it makes you crazy. You're like, absolutely not. You wash your dishes right after you have them, after you make them. What are your rules for taking care of your home? Do you have any? Just check in. Next question. What are the rules you live by for eating slash nutrition? What are the rules you live by for eating slash nutrition? I have so many that come up for me when I ask this question. In my household, we were raised that we always had to have something green on our plate. Every single meal. We always had to have something green on our plate. And so now I'm an adult living with somebody that doesn't eat vegetables. He'll eat them blended, but he does not eat vegetables. We're working on it. I'm hoping that maybe one day I can get him on board with roasted vegetables. Because I have a a friend of mine whose husband also doesn't eat vegetables, but she got him eat roasted vegetables. So we're gonna try. But that's something that now in my adult household, I don't necessarily follow that rule. I do not have a green vegetable on my plate every single meal. Every single dinner. Let me be more clear. My parents were like, you don't have to have a green vegetable for breakfast, lunch, dinner. But every single dinner we had to have a green vegetable, spinach, green beans, collards. They're like green vegetables. We didn't eat a lot of different green vegetables. We didn't grow up with asparagus or kale. Wow, well, we had lima beans. That's a green vegetable. So we had to have that every single night. Now, that's not a rule that I follow. And to be very honest, that bothered me when Tyler and I first moved in together. And I was trying to figure out, we were trying to figure out was mostly me, what we were gonna eat because he's such a picky eater, and I'm not. And I was raised eating tons of vegetables and he did not. And so, okay, now that we're bringing our palettes together, now that we're bringing our menus together, our lives together, that was a rule that I was willing to let loosen up. I was like, I don't need to have a green vegetable on my plate every single night. But then it became a rule that, like, at least once a day, I would like to have a green vegetable. I know that that's not best practice. I know nutritionists that are listening to me. Veggies are very important. I think we're supposed to have four to five servings of vegetables a day. So let that be an intention that I set right now that I need to eat more vegetables. So that's a good check-in for me. What are the rules that I'm living by for nutrition? I've really loosened up my rules when it comes to my green vegetables. What are your rules? Check in. Here's the last one. And there's so many rules that we can check in on, but these are just ones I wanted to throw out to you all today. What are the rules you have for dressing, for dressing up, for fashion? Do you have any rules? Again, in my house, I was not allowed to leave the house in sweats. It's crazy to me how many children go to school in pajamas. It's crazy. I am judging your children. I am judging the parents that are sending their children to school in pajamas. I am judging you. I'm judging you. Uh, but not that harshly. I'm just like, wow, I more so in the way, like, I was just not allowed to do that. Again, military household. And it's not that other military kids were raised like I was. There are definitely kids I went to school with that went to school in pajamas and went to school in sweats, and that was allowed. That was not allowed in my house at all. And so now as an adult, that's still a rule that I follow. I do not leave my house in sweatpants unless I am going to a hip-hop class, unless I'm going to a torque shop class, and which sweatpants are the appropriate attire. I do not leave my house in sweatpants. And I don't judge other adults that are doing that. I really do just judge the children that are going to school like that. Because I'm like, at what point is it then gonna be, it's never gonna be a habit for them to put on anything more than the bare minimum. And so then when they are asked to in a job setting, it then becomes this hurdle to overcome. And it can, I don't know. I just it feels like an unnecessary battle later on that you could just not have if you just asked your child to dress a little bit better going to school. But I also am not a parent, so I don't know what that battle's like. So there's my five cents on that. But the point of this podcast is our rules are shaping us, right? Our rules, our expectations are influencing the decisions that we're making. And so this check-in just helps us to check in and see do I like the rules that I'm following? Do I like the rules that I'm living by, right? For another example, my rules for

Clothing Standards And Family Context

SPEAKER_01 13:29

daily grooming. I was thinking about rules in my life. I was like, okay, where do I follow rules? I was like, well, for my daily grooming, besides not going outside in sweatpants unless I'm going to a torque stop class, it's a rule that I brushed my teeth, it's a rule that I wash my face, it's a rule that I literally wrote down and made a list of this. Don't look like a bum, because that is how my parents raised me. They said, absolutely not, you know, leaving the house in sweatpants or anything like that. That is not how we carry ourselves. Now, I also need for some of you, context, black family. And so for us growing up, it was that we felt that there was already an expectation that we were less than simply because we were black. And so my parents were very much taught us you will never let anybody ever think of you as less than. And it starts with how you carry yourself, right? If you carry yourself at a higher level, other people will respect you at a higher level. And so that's where that came from for my parents. Know that our brains are always trying to protect us, and so for my parents, they were trying to protect us from being ridiculed, from being seen as less than because of how we dress. They said, you are going to hold a high standard at the very least. And that's the rule that they gave us, and that's the rule that I still follow. And as I check in with that rule, that's a rule that I like. That's not a rule that I can apply to anybody else. And I want you to check in with that too. Our rules are for us. When we're doing this check-in, when we're doing this work, it's not so that we can go and apply it to other people. As much as I want to be judgy of other people in their families, it's none of my business. It's none of my business how they raise their children, it's none of my business how they live in their country. Tyler and I call every home their own country, right? It's their country. They get their own rules in their country. But in my country, I like that I dress well. I like that I like to put on clothes before I leave the house. The running joke in our house is whether it's the Oscars or the Waters. That's his mom's last name, his mom and his uh stepdad are the waters. So whether we're going to their house or I'm going to the literal Oscars, I'm dressing well. Period. But that's just for me. That's the rule that I follow, and I like that rule for me. Check in. Do you like your rules? Your rules are synonymous with your beliefs, right? It's what you're believing. And as we know, your thoughts, your beliefs are influencing how you feel. Your feelings are influencing the action you're taking, and your action is influencing the results you're getting. So if you want different results, we have to think different thoughts. We have to believe different things. You have to change the rules that you're following. A really fun example for me while I was planning this podcast, I was thinking about just rules and how we

Testing Old Rules As Adults

SPEAKER_01 15:53

follow them. And my mom used to tell me a story of when she went to college, when she first got to college, one of the very first things that she did was she jumped on her bed and ate ham. She said she was swinging a little piece of like ham, like deli ham, in the air and like jumping on her bed and eating it. And I can like see her animating this and like showing me as a child. She's like, oh my gosh, I was so excited. I got to college and I'm jumping on my bed with my ham. Because when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to jump on my bed. And my mom would have got so mad at me if I was jumping on the bed and I was eating just ham like that. You have to put it in a sandwich. She had different rules that she had to follow. And when she got to college, she chose to not follow some of those rules, as many of us do when we go to college, right? You get to challenge the rules that you were given. Do I like these rules? What do I want to do instead? That's why we stay up late and we party and we do all the things. We're we're testing the rules for ourselves. What do I like? What do I not like? My parents told me this, I'm gonna try that. How do I feel when I challenge the rules? I want to invite you to not necessarily challenge them in like a childish way, but just to check in again, what are the rules that I'm following? Do I like them? Another example that came up for me when I was thinking about rules was the rule that I couldn't disagree with adults.

The Rule About Disagreeing

SPEAKER_01 17:06

Now, again, when we're checking in with rules, I want you to check in. Do I like these rules? Are these rules serving me and my goals and my family and my community? Or are they not serving me, my goals, my family, my community? For the rule that I can't disagree with adults, I definitely picked that one up subconsciously in my childhood. Right? It wasn't that I don't remember my parents blatantly saying you're not allowed to disagree with me, but through their body language, through how they taught us, like I was just taught you don't disagree with the adults in the house, you don't disagree with your elders, period. So then I internalize that then subconsciously. Then I become an adult and I still have this subconscious thought I can't disagree with adults. So now I have a problem where when adults disagree with me, my subconscious kicks in. I can't disagree with adults and I shut down. I'm unable to have um conflict resolution with other adults. I'm unable to dialogue with other adults because I'm walking around with a thought I cannot disagree with adults. And admittedly, my friends, this is this is a rule that I am recently noticing. Is uh I would love to say, like, oh, I found this out years ago. I'm more recently realizing that this is a rule that I've carried with myself. And because I've carried this subconsciously, conflict has been really hard for me. Now, conflict resolution for other people is not. I've been able to be a mediator for other people for a very long time, which is again why I feel like I'm a really strong life coach and why I love working with couples. I'm really excited about that. But I noticed that when it came to me and when I was in disagreement with another adult, I would shut down. And now I'm checking in. Oh, that's a rule that I don't want to follow anymore. Instead, I want to decide I can disagree with adults. It is safe to disagree with adults. How I do so, I want to be thoughtful, I want to be kind, I want to be curious when I disagree. It doesn't mean that I have to be mean, and that's something else that I picked up too, right? I can't disagree with adults. If I disagree, my pants are gonna yell at me. I brought that into my adulthood. If I disagree, the adult across from me is going to yell at me, right? So it triggered my trauma. And so that's why I think it's so important for us to look at our rules. What are the rules that you're following? Do they serve you? Do you like the rules that you're following? If you're struggling, I I really do encourage you to go back to the beginning of the podcast, listen to those questions, make a list. But if you notice that you're struggling to notice the rules, because a lot of them, like I'm saying, are subconscious.

Spotting Resistance And Duplicity

SPEAKER_01 19:44

Mindfulness is so important for this. Just starting to be aware of your thoughts. Just get into the practice of just being aware. Aware of your thoughts when you wake up. What are you thinking about your diet? What are you thinking about your work? What are you thinking about your partner? What are you thinking about your lack of partner? What are you thinking about your shoes? What are you thinking about your coffee? What are you thinking about your lunch? Like literally, truly, as you're going through your day, notice what you're thinking about the things. That is that is our mindfulness. And you'll start to pick up on those rules. But two questions that I think could be extra helpful. One is, where do you notice resistance? Where do you notice resistance in your life? Do you notice resistance when you go to post? Because you're like, I really want to get to this many followers and I'm trying to build this. But every time you go to post, you notice resistance. There might be a subconscious rule that you're following. It has to be perfect before I can post it. I can only post it at 6 a.m. every single day. And because it's not 6 a.m., I'm not gonna post it. Notice when resistance shows up, there might be a subconscious rule that you're following that no longer serves you, that maybe did serve you or you thought served you. But notice where resistance is, usually there's a subconscious uh rule that's not serving you. Second one is where do you notice duplicity? Duplicity is similar to resistance, but the change in word could help your brain. So duplicity is I want to, but I can't because, right? It's it's holding both. I want to go to Disneyland Paris, but I can't because I don't have a passport and nobody will go with me, and it's too hard, right? It's just like this whole list of things as to why you can't, even though you really, truly want to. That is duplicity. You notice all the rules. I just listed them right now. I want to, but I can't because I don't have a passport. That's not necessarily a rule, that's more so a limiting belief. Like, you can go get a passport, right? But go through that list of like why you can't, you might find some rules in there. So, what are you resistant to and where do you notice duplicity? As always, my friends, just be mindful, be aware of your rules, right? And then start to get curious where did I get this? Did I get this from my parents? Did I get this from a place of work? Did I get this from a bad experience? And just notice that. Our brains are logical. And if you've been following this rule, there's a logical reason as to why. I don't want you to beat yourself up. Notice, oh, I picked this up because in my childhood, every time I did X, Y would happen. So it makes sense that as an adult, I don't do X because I'm afraid Y will happen. Huh, that's so interesting. I don't have to believe that anymore. I want to believe this instead. And if all of this feels really heavy and you want some support with that, that's what we do in coaching.

Coaching Invite And Program Details

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Come book a free discovery call at naundecamille.as.me. Visit the website nauntedcamille.com to learn more about coaching. I have a new group coaching program, not even new. It's the second round of the art of magnetism. It starts in August. Y'all, come on in. It is about knowing yourself, loving yourself so that you can create confidence from an authentic place. When we're authentically confident, then we take more action, aligned action, confident action. We have more fun. So come and join me, the art of magnetism. Go to nadycamille.com slash learnmore to learn more about it. There's a whole page about it. We're doing round one right now. I have a beautiful group of women, and I just literally truly had no intention of running it again so quickly, but in the second week, I already knew I was like, this is something special. This is really good work. I'm having so much fun doing the work alongside them. So next round starts in August. It's gonna be on Wednesdays, 6 30 p.m. mountain time. It's going to be five um consecutive weeks in a row. For this round, we did them every other Tuesday. For the next round, I'm gonna do them every Wednesday for five Wednesdays in a row. If you can't make one of those Wednesdays, we do have the recordings. If you have any questions, you can always send me an email. Hello at nondekamille.com. I hope you all have a

Final Reminder And Goodbye

SPEAKER_01 23:32

beautiful week. I'll see you next week.comille.com to learn more or head over to nandicamille.as.me to sign up for your free discovery call.