If you are listening to this right now, I wanted to remind you that you are enough. All those expectations you hold for yourself, for the season, and for those you love - are normal. And the expectations will come,  especially now, as another year comes to an end and the holiday season rolls in. 

Granted, this year has its unique challenges, with all the restrictions and collective trauma that a pandemic brings. Still, what I felt wash over me yesterday afternoon was all too familiar, and, with Christmas eve just a few nights away - right on schedule. 

I can honestly say that gratitude comes easily to me on a day-to-day basis and yet, after a perfectly lovely hike in the snow, I was inexplicably overwhelmed with a kind of feeling that can be best described as malaise. (I love it when a word perfectly fits the feeling). 

It came out of nowhere and, instead of just noticing it was there, I acted upon it. I lashed out at my husband. I was negative, confrontational and just plain ugly. It was not my proudest moment.

In some ways, as joyful as the season presumes to be, the limiting beliefs of how everything is supposed to be are so ingrained in us that we practically set ourselves up for failure before we even begin. No growth mindset in this endeavor that’s for sure. It’s pretty much a sink or swim, win or lose affair, a count-down to the inevitable holiday hangover (complete with regrets of things you wished you had or hadn’t said…) 

Expectations of joy and hope are rampant and clearly, I am certainly not immune. When we are feeling festive we expect others to feel the same way. And when they don’t, we somehow feel cheated  - like we’re missing out on something that everybody else is experiencing. 

Even worse, we often disguise our expectations by dropping clues, almost testing our loved ones, setting them up for failure. The love and compassion here is conditional. We give generously of ourselves but are disappointed when things aren’t received in the way we had hoped or expected.

Giving without attachment to the outcome is tricky and something I am trying to practice more whole heartedly in all my relationships.

Sometimes even harder to receive. Have you ever found yourself in the situation where you are receiving something, be it a compliment, or a gift, or really anything - where you feel kind of empty and you don’t know how to receive it? Where it just feels so difficult to know what to do  - or how to receive? 

All of these thoughts and feelings are normal - but just because they are normal doesn’t mean they are mandatory.

If you are still listening, it says a lot about you. It tells me that you are curious, open and willing to listen. Those are huge strengths, and they are all yours. They are yours to use as you wish. Not only are they strengths, they are gifts to others that can be shared, not only during the holiday season, but all year round. Do not underestimate the value of YOU. Stay curious, and keep listening, don’t be afraid to say what you feel, and, when those expectations threaten to take you down, remember that you are enough.