Lisa Hopkins: The Milestone Myth

"We all identify with things for different reasons. There’s no one size fits all value system. We may both choose “do” the same thing but our reasons for doing it are what makes our experience unique, what makes us feel connected to our choices." 

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Transcript

It's May 1, National College Decision Day, the day high school seniors commit to a college. 

Whether or not you ever dreamed of college or know someone that does, the limiting beliefs around what “going to college” represents are so ubiquitous, you can’t help but feel the weight of their impact on so many kids - and their parents. Especially this time of year.

As a college professor and a parent, I am well acquainted with the construct, and the power we ascribe to this so-called (EXPECTED) monumental right of passage. 

(AND) It’s not the only place in our lives that we create milestones for ourselves without considering why we even wanted to go there in the first place. Or even what we’ll do when we finally get there. (insert, more money, better job, bigger house, smaller pant size)

So on this first day of May, I find myself thinking about what might be learned from all of this and invite you to listen along to this little story I created to help me explore.

Meg says she wants to go to college but is failing her classes in her junior year. Her mom is beside herself with worry and frustration. She just can’t understand why her daughter doesn’t put any effort into getting her assignments in on time. It’s not that she isn’t bright, or couldn’t pass if only she would just put her mind to it. Meg’s actions just don’t seem to match what she says she wants to do. There’s a disconnect, a paradox that’s affecting her chances of getting into college, and it’s creating a rift between Meg and her mom.

Mom has a fixed-mindset around what wanting to go to college looks like and she’s got plenty of hard data to support her point of view. She’s at the ready with tools and strategies to help Meg get there, and has tried everything from wall calendars and post-it note systems to pulling all-nighters helping with homework - but nothing seems to work. Meg is as disengaged as ever and mom is exhausted from pushing so hard. 

From Meg’s perspective,  it’s been made crystal clear what she is supposed to do, and equally evident that she is not behaving as prescribed by literally everyone around her (from her college counselor to her well-meaning grandparents and friends.)

Overwhelmed by expectations and being told what she should do, Meg feels out of control. Disconnected. 

The one thing she can control though is NOT doing what she’s supposed to do. 

Mom thinks Meg wants to go to college for all the wrong reasons and that she only wants to be a doctor because she watches Grey’s Anatomy. Concerned that her daughter doesn’t see the reality of the situation, Mom bears down on her efforts to help Meg pass her courses and save her from certain embarrassment when all her friends are posting their acceptances on social media. 

The instinct to protect our children comes so naturally that it feels like it’s the right thing to do. It fuels our power to persist, despite the fact that the harder we push, the more they pull away.

Unfortunately, while the mom in this story was so busy focusing on the hard data of the HOW TO’s, she was missing some vital clues to be discovered in the soft data in her daughter’s WHYs. 

Meg is certainly not the first to envision herself in med school like the characters on Grey's Anatomy or to dream of the college experience, so seductively curated by the college board. It’s the obvious next step, already mapped out, almost expected. I am reminded of a glossy college brochure I once saw with a photo of the perfectly manicured campus and an arrow with a label that said “insert yourself here”.

I binge watched Grey’s Anatomy as a middle aged woman 10 years after it had aired. Not once did I look back at my life and think “I would have liked to have been a doctor”. 

What I related to most about Grey’s Anatomy were the metaphors drawn between life and the practice of medicine. It makes me wonder what the daughter in this story is really being pulled toward... and if she’s ever asked herself that question?

It’s much easier to choose the pre-packaged all-inclusive experience that tells you what you want rather than doing the deeper/harder work of uncovering your values and creating your own way. No wonder so many kids arrive on the campus of their dreams only to find that it isn’t all that it promised. Blaming themselves, believing it must be them that doesn’t fit, that doesn’t measure up.

We all identify with things for different reasons. There’s no one size fits all value system. We may both choose “do” the same thing but our reasons for doing it are what makes our experience unique, what makes us feel connected to our choices. 

Whether or not Meg passes her senior year and goes to college in this story is not important. What matters is that whatever she decides derives from a deeper more meaningful place than a milestone, a college campus or a career. 

One aligned with values that she can honor wherever she goes - a lesson that you can’t be taught at school.

I’m Lisa Hopkins, Thanks for listening. Stay safe and healthy everyone and remember to live in the moment!