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Strong Leaders Serve with Teri Schmidt
The leadership podcast for people who are in leadership not for the status and power, but instead to use that status and power to turn potential into performance for positive change.
Hosted by Teri Schmidt, Leadership Coach & CEO of Strong Leaders Serve.
Each week we focus on supporting leaders who are dealing with the overwhelming realities of transitioning into and operating in roles where their success isn't just defined by their performance, but by the performance of their team.
Roles where they are responsible for building trust, promoting psychological safety, conflict management, taking care of their team member's wellbeing, motivating other humans, and managing up, all while trying to GET THINGS DONE.
Through solo episodes with focused and relevant leadership tips and inspirational interviews with seasoned leaders and experts, we help leaders get past their overwhelm to careers of courageous impact.
Listeners hone their skills in making their workplaces more compassionate and just through their leadership.
Strong Leaders Serve with Teri Schmidt
185. Shifting Feedback from Threat to Growth
Have you ever received feedback that felt like a personal attack, even when you knew it shouldn’t be?
In this episode, Teri Schmidt shares a vulnerable story from her own life and reveals why our brains react defensively when our ideas feel tied to our identity.
Discover the neuroscience behind this reaction, learn powerful tools to create distance between who you are and what you believe, and hear how LEGO® Serious Play® can actually make feedback feel less threatening. Listen to unlock fresh strategies for transforming feedback from a source of stress into fuel for your leadership growth!
Looking for a community of leaders where you can tackle real challenges, share wins, and grow together—without office politics getting in the way? Join Leadership Thought Partners, a coach-led, group-directed space launching in July. Registration closes on June 22, 2025 at strongleadersserve.com/ltp!
Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/
Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching
Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall
Hey there. Welcome back to Strong Leaders. Serve the Show where compassionate driven leaders come to gain clarity, confidence, and connection without losing themselves in the process. I'm so glad you're here with me today. Today's episode is for anyone who's ever bristled at feedback, not because it was poorly delivered, not because it was wrong, but because it just hit too close to home. I am right there with you. In fact, in this episode, you'll hear a story from my own life where this came up, how it caught me off guard, and how a surprising tool Lego serious play helped me see the real issue. And if you've ever tied your identity to an idea or found yourself shutting down in the face of helpful input, you're not alone. Let's unpack why it happens and how we can create just enough space between who we are and what we believe to lead with more courage, clarity, and growth. I am Terry Schmidt, executive and leadership coach at Strong Leaders Serve, where I partner with compassionate driven leaders to transform potential in themselves and on their teams into performance. And this is the Strong Leaders Serve Podcast. All right, so let's get into this story. Not long ago I was actually talking with my family about my business. They asked thoughtful, curious questions, ones that I would normally welcome from a peer or mentor, but in that moment, I completely shut down. Their questions didn't feel helpful. They felt critical. I walked away feeling judged and strangely shaken. It actually lasted for a couple of weeks. But later, after some reflection, I realized the problem wasn't the questions they were asking or even the way that they asked them. It was my attachment. I had unconsciously fused my business ideas with my identity. I had fallen into a common problem for people who own their own businesses, and in that, anytime my family challenged the idea that I had proposed, it felt like a challenge to me. And as I've come to see, this happens a lot, especially for leaders who care deeply about their work. So why does this happen? Well, from a neuroscience perspective, when we tie our identity to a belief or a strategy and someone challenges it, the brain actually perceives that as a threat to the self, the amygdala, the brain's alarm system lights up. It triggers a defensive reaction shutting down the parts of the brain that help us to reason, reflect. And stay open. No wonder I was having trouble in that conversation with my family. In fact, FMRI studies have shown that when people are confronted with information that contradicts their deeply held beliefs, they activate the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain and danger. So it's no wonder that feedback feels so difficult, especially when we have attached our ideas to our identity. But here's the good news. There is a way out of that defensive loop. I discovered this during my certification and Lego Serious play. It's a technique that I learned to use in both one-on-one coaching and group environments. And when I was going through the training, I experienced something profound. I was asked to build a model representing a challenge in my business, kind of similar to the conversation I was having with my family. But this time I used Lego bricks to create something physical, something outside of myself. As I explained the model to others in my group, I felt a shift. I wasn't talking about me, I was talking about a structure I had built. Suddenly the feedback and questions that were actually very similar to those that my family had been asking, they didn't feel quite as personal. They felt helpful. I had become the developer of the idea, not its defender. That kind of externalization has real neurological benefits. It's similar to a technique that's used in therapy called cognitive diffusion. It's all about creating space between you and your thoughts. When we do this, whether by building, writing, sketching, or even speaking in metaphor, we reduce emotional reactivity and increase activation in the prefrontal cortex. The part of the brain responsible for perspective taking and decision making, and that's what makes Lego serious play so powerful and why I love to use it with my clients. It literally helps your brain make feedback safer by turning your ideas into objects, something separate from your identity. So what can you do today to create space between your identity and your ideas? Well, let me start by offering four simple but powerful shifts. First name it. Say to yourself, this is an idea, not who I am. Even that small reframe changes how your brain relates to the feedback that you might get on that idea. Second, externalize it. Write the idea down, build it, draw it, speak it aloud. The more you get it out of your head, the less personally fused it becomes. Third, reconnect to your values. When feedback feels like a threat, ask yourself, what value am I trying to protect or express here? Often it's not about the idea. It's about a deeper commitment that you feel particularly attached to, that's represented in that idea that you've attached to that idea. And fourth, get external perspective. Sometimes you're just too close to your idea. That's where a coach, a trusted colleague, or even a peer can be invaluable. Someone outside of your internal thought loop can reflect what they see. Help you ask better questions and gently challenge the fusion between your idea and your identity. In fact, this is one of the core reasons people seek coaching, not just to generate new ideas, but to grow the capacity to work on their ideas without being defined by them. In addition to those four practical tips that you can start employing right away, stay tuned. As I am going to be announcing shortly a new group coaching opportunity that I'm releasing this fall. It's gonna be short sprints focused on common leadership challenges like leading through change, handling, difficult feedback, influencing without authority. But the twist is in these sessions we are going to be using Lego serious play. It is gonna be so much fun and you will get to experience firsthand how it feels to utilize the Lego bricks to build your ideas outside of yourself and the progress that you can make when you are able to achieve just that little bit of separation. So stay tuned for that. And as we close, remember, if you've ever walked away from a feedback conversation, feeling like you needed to protect yourself, I hope today's episode helps you shift that story just a bit, because you are not your idea. You are the person shaping it, testing it, evolving it, and when you claim that space between who you are and what you believe, other people's feedback becomes fuel. Instead of fire, then that's when real growth and real leadership becomes possible. Thanks for listening. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your story. When has feedback felt personal for you and what helped you move through it if we're not already connected on LinkedIn. Find me on LinkedIn and share your story with me. I would love to talk about it. Until next time, keep leading with compassion and courage.