191. Stop Avoiding It: The Hidden Cost of Skipping Hard Conversations

Avoiding difficult conversations, or softening them so much they lose their meaning, can damage trust, confuse your team, and hurt your credibility. In this episode, Teri shares a personal story of how avoiding inside a conversation backfired, and explores how leaders can break the cycle of avoidance with mindset shifts, clarity, and courage. If you've ever lost sleep over a difficult conversation, this one’s for you. 

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If you're tired of avoiding tough conversations or regretting how you handled them, the Courageous Conversations Leadership Sprint is for you. This four-week, small-group coaching experience starting in October uses LEGO® SERIOUS PLAY®, unlocking creative new perspectives and approaches to difficult conversations.

Learn more and reserve your spot at https://www.strongleadersserve.com/build

Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

Transcript

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Have you ever left a conversation thinking, I just wish I had said what I needed to say, or maybe you didn't have the conversation at all, you just kept it inside, hoping the issue would work itself out. Here's the thing. As you probably know, silence has consequences. That's what we're gonna talk about today. We're going to build on the episode we did at the end of last season about avoiding difficult conversations, talk about what the risk is of that avoidance and silence, and how you as a leader can get past it. I'm Terry Schmidt, executive and leadership coach at Strong Leaders Serve, where I partner with compassionate driven leaders to transform potential into performance. And this is the Strong Leaders Serve Podcast. The last time we talked about difficult conversations, we explored how to move from avoidance to courage. But today we're going a little bit deeper, especially after last week's episode when we talked to Tamara Miles and Wes Adams about meaningful work and focus specifically in on balanced autonomy and the power that that can have for leaders and teams. I thought it was important to revisit our conversation about courageous conversations because when you are trying to operate. In that space where you are creating meaningful work for your teams and your organizations and you're also utilizing balanced autonomy. The fact is there are going to be many opportunities that come up where it is important to have that conversation that you might not feel quite comfortable having Today we're gonna talk about what happens when you either don't have the conversation at all, or you have it, but in a way that leaves people confused, mistrusting, or questioning your leadership. And yes, as you can probably guess, I've been there too. Several years ago I had an underperforming employee on my team. I knew that I needed to talk with them about some very real and ongoing performance issues. But I also cared deeply about the person, and I didn't want to hurt them or damage the relationship. So when we finally sat down to talk, I softened the message a lot. Instead of being direct and clear about the performance gaps, I tried reframing the conversation. So I had the conversation, but in fact, I was kind of. Going through avoidance within the conversation itself, I made it about whether they felt like the role was a right fit for them. I tiptoed around the real issue, hoping they'd connect the dots themselves. And while I thought I was protecting their feelings, I was actually doing more harm. The conversation created confusion instead of clarity. It felt vague and disorienting for them, and honestly, it left them questioning whether they could trust me to be honest in the future, and I learned something that day. Avoidance isn't just about silence. Sometimes we avoid inside the conversation by diluting, redirecting, or disguising what really needs to be said. Avoiding hard conversations, whether completely or just inside the conversation comes with a cost. You lose trust. First of all, people begin to sense that you're not being fully transparent. And if you're in a conversation like I was with a employee who is not performing well, the other employees on your team may also lose trust in you. As they have to shoulder the work and make up for the underperformance of the other team member, you also lose time. For the reason that I just said about other team members needing to compensate for that underperforming team member. But also, even if your difficult conversation is about a different topic, if you're avoiding the conversation or are not clear in the conversation issues that could be resolved early start snowballing. You may also lose alignment without clear expectations. People start to flounder or fill in the gaps themselves. And perhaps most importantly, you lose credibility, especially if you show up unclear and consistent or emotionally reactive. And let's be honest, many of us avoid not because we don't care, but because we care so much that we're afraid of getting it wrong. If you're listening right now and thinking, that's me, I avoid until it's too late or that's me. I try to be kind, but it just ends up unclear or that's me. I freeze when things get tense. You're not the only one. As I shared, I have definitely been there, and here's the truth, you're not stuck there either. Avoidance is just a pattern. And patterns can be shifted with intention, reflection, and support. One of the mindset shifts we talked about the last time we talked about this topic was moving from certainty to curiosity. It sounds simple, but it's incredibly powerful, especially when you're preparing for a conversation that feels high stakes. For example, in my story earlier, I went into the conversation already convinced of what was happening, that the employee wasn't the right fit. And that saying so directly would hurt them or damage the relationship. That certainty about how they would respond shaped how I framed the conversation, and ultimately how unclear it became. If I had paused and asked myself a simple question, like, what might I be missing? Or what might be true from their perspective? I might have approached it with more openness and they would've left that meeting with more clarity instead of confusion. That's one small example of what it looks like to start preparing not with the perfect words, but with a better mindset. So if you found yourself avoiding sugar coating or walking away from conversations, feeling like you didn't show up how you wanted to ask yourself. Where am I assuming I already know how this will go, and how might curiosity change the conversation? That's how change starts, not by jumping straight into the most difficult conversations of your career, but by building new habits of reflection and presence that you can use in those important conversations. And if you wanna explore this further with me, I am really excited about the Courageous Conversations Leadership Sprint that we have coming up. It's not to give you more generic tips or polished scripts. This four week group coaching experience goes much deeper than that. Together we'll uncover the hidden stories and beliefs behind your avoidance. We'll build self-awareness about what triggers you and how to stay grounded when emotions rise. We'll learn to speak clearly and kindly even when the stakes are high, and will also grow your ability to lead a team where courageous conversations are not rare but normal. And because we use Lego Serious Play as one of our methods, you'll tap into insight and reflection that go far deeper than traditional leadership training. This isn't just theory, it's personal, experiential, and transformative. You'll be supported by a small group of peers navigating similar challenges, but spots are limited to keep the experience personal and powerful. As a bonus, the first three people to sign up get two really great gifts. First, a free one-on-one coaching session with me, and second, this is my favorite part, a buddy pass to bring a colleague or friend for free. So if you've ever thought that's how I'm showing up, I'm avoiding conversations and I don't want to continue leading this way, this leadership sprint is for you. We start in September, so go to strong leaders serve.com/build to save your spot. And grab those bonuses before they're gone. Next week. I'm thrilled to share the conversation that I had with Zach Mercurial, author of The Power of Mattering. Zach is incredibly intelligent and our conversation builds very well on the episode that I shared last week. It was one of my favorite conversations that I've had all year, and I can't wait to share it with you. Until then, stay strong. Stay kind, and remember, you don't have to choose between compassion and clarity the power comes when you lead with both.