TSSL - Episode 1 - Welcome to the brand spankin' new - Social Skills Lab!!!

Hey there...this is a podcast for anyone interested in working on, brushing up on, or overhauling their social skills. Social skills are critical for navigating this crazy crazy world and guess what - it's a lot of fun too. Every week we'll talk about tips and ideas that you can you to get better at your social skills. Don't forget to subscribe and tell your friend. 


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Thank you!! - Nate

Transcript

Unknown: 0:38

Hey, what's up, everyone? Welcome to the very first episode of the social skills lab. I'm your host, Nathan Ament. This is a new podcast, we're going to be obviously talking about lots of stuff related to social skills. It's a topic that I think more people are getting interested in. I've been interested in it for about about 15 years now, started reading some books on it articles. And then you know, just going out and trying when I was learning seemed to work pretty well. But man, geez, there's so much to talk about. And I remember when I was recently looking on iTunes for a podcast, about social skills. I didn't really find that many. So I figured, well, maybe I'll just make my own. Sure, why not? Okay, so first and foremost, I think a good place to start is to take everything you think, you know about social skills, put them into a binder, and that's throw it out the window. Okay? Unless, hey, unless you're really good already. Good for you. That's, you probably know, a lot of things that I don't know. So but I think for anyone that's kind of just getting started or is not sure if they are good, or not just take everything you think, you know, toss it out the window, because I found that a lot of stuff that I was learning was very counterintuitive. Just like just for example, hey, so it's perfectly fine to disagree with people. That doesn't mean arguing and disagreeing are not necessarily the same thing. So I don't know, just a small example, that it's perfectly fine to disagree with people and have a perfectly good conversation, maybe even improve the conversation. When you disagree with someone, as long as you don't, you know, take it to a personal level. But more of out of curiosity will say true curiosity place. Just to give a little bit about myself, I myself, I'd consider myself an introvert. And I think what could made it even more pronounced as I was growing up as Elementary School. Actually, I think I had a lot of fun in elementary school, it was about when I got to maybe about the sixth grade, that I started having some problems when I started moving around a lot. And that's how it's tough for a kid to move to a new school and have to make new friends, especially someone that's kind of introverted. But I know that when I got into junior high, it just seemed like I don't know, I just started having all kinds of problems like I had to, I always felt like the outcast and always had trouble making friends and stuff. I moved around a couple times. And then obviously, in high school, right, when one of the high schools I went to was like a pretty, pretty wealthy area. And it was very different from that place to when I moved to the last high school I went to in Northern California, it was more of like a middle class, lower middle class area. And to me, it felt like I just moved to Compton. But it kind of felt like, I don't know, after watching some like shows about like, inside prisons and stuff, it kind of felt similar, like some kind of prison politics because you really have no choice. But you've, you know, you're forced to go every day. And kind of sometimes you're just in it. In situations where you're surrounded by people who are very immature and make can make your life kind of not good. So um, I think that this really kind of stunted my social growth. But you know, as I got out of high school, and I just started came across some stuff online about how to, you know, be more social and stuff like that, and I just ate it right up, tried it out, seem to get some progress. I gotta tell you, it was slow going. So I'd recommend being very patient. Don't take yourself too seriously trying to have fun with it. You're gonna make a lot of mistakes. But you know what, you actually learned a lot from the mistakes if you are willing to keep going. Like, I remember hearing this Zen passage. I I think it was, and I'm not sure, but it was talking about, like, the only two mistakes you can make, are first, not getting on the right path. Second, not staying on the right path. So I feel like, even though I got on the right path, and I stayed on the right path, it was slow going. So don't beat yourself up for not, you know, being frickin the life of the party within, you know, two months or whatever, it's gonna take a while. Okay, so, um, some of the things we're going to talk about on this podcast, like some of the overarching major topics, we're going to talk about a lot of stuff, but some of the bigger things is, obviously, you know, how to meet people where to meet people. What do you talk about when you meet someone? That's always a big one question I see a lot. Talk about social circles, like, you know how to grow your social circle. And one thing I noticed, if you're not growing your social circle, it's probably shrinking. Like, I know, a lot of people have made some a group of friends like in school or college. And then they have a lot of trouble once that environment is over. Like once they get out of school, they find themselves trying to make friends at work, and it just doesn't seem to work as well. So we'll talk about that. Maybe talk about like, if you're at a party or something, talking about what they know, that's a very uncomfortable situation, if you're not either used to it or you're not. Or if you don't know a lot of people there. I'll tell you real quick, I remember one time I was at a party. I think it was at my friend's boss's house or something like that. And I didn't really know anyone. And I didn't really I wasn't really that social. But luckily, I was with like two really good friends of mine. So we're having a we're having a good time. But I remember seeing this guy walk into the party. And I was in the backyard. And I could just see what was going on in the house. And I just like, saw someone come into the front door. And like, say hi to the people at the door. And like, No joke, this guy like walked. He introduced himself to every single person at the party, as he walked through the party, with a big smile on his face. He just seemed like he was very charismatic. And it wasn't awkward. Like, he wasn't like, I can imagine me trying to do that. And it would be awkward. But it wasn't. And like he finally was just like, oh, cool, because I just started learning about social skills. So I was like, fascinated what I could see what was happening. And I could tell is unusual. And I was like in the other thing, as I could tell is working really well, as far as like, you know, it looked like he was having a good time just talking to people. But the guy just, you know, he finally made his way back to the back. And he like, introduced himself to me. And I don't know, I don't remember if we talked or anything, but I just was so blown away by that. And I've tried that several times, just to see it work. And you know what it's like such a awesome frickin thing that I saw, and it works. And then it's just one of those things, you can literally just introduce yourself to everyone at a party, maybe the type of party was is more conducive to that, and maybe, you know, wouldn't work for every party, but whatever, just something I just remembered. So that's another thing, I'll try to bring up some things that I've seen happen or done myself in the context of what we're talking about, and share that with us. So you can see what I'm talking about, maybe give you a better idea, give you some real life examples. So other things we'll talk about is like having like a social lifestyle. Also, talk about body language and vocal tonality. Those are really important. You know, they say like, the words, the actual words you say, are only like 10% or 5% of what's being communicated like your body language is the biggest thing. And vocal tonality is a very big thing too. So we'll talk about like practical tips. And also very broad, overarching ideas in the field of good communication. Let's see what else we'll talk about. We'll probably talk about some public speaking, maybe some leadership stuff, because leadership actually has a lot to do with how you communicate. Because like when you start a conversation, when you say hello, you're basically leading, you're leading, you're being a leader. So it's something that I didn't realize, but it's also very important. also talk about maybe how to be funny, because that's personally that's one of my favorite things about being social is having, you know, having a fun, funny conversation. Talk about maybe like, when you meet someone, how to like keep in touch, you know, exchange information, or exchange contact information. So you can keep in touch and maybe expand your social circle, talk about some resources that are available to you. Because you know, what, there's infinite resources out there for anything you want to learn in social skills is, falls into that category. So there's a lot of really great resources that you should know about, that you may not have already known about. And then also want to talk briefly about how to measure your progress. It's good to measure your progress, take a you know, inventory of where you're at, or where you feel you're at, like on maybe like zero to 10? Like, where do you fall on that scale? And then where do you want to? Where do you want to be? Like, I think when I started, I was probably, maybe a three out of 10. Like, I had a couple friends. I also had some friends that weren't like, very good quality friends, probably dragging me down a little bit. But I've definitely made some progress. I'm not at 10. But you know, it's always always room for improvement. And then. So those are some of the topics we'll be talking about. And we'll try to go in pretty deep give you give you something to learn about. Okay, so just real quick. If you are not sure. Why should we talk? Why should we learn? Why should you learn about social skills? Well, I'll tell you, after doing it for a while, I personally think that is actually the most the most important skill you can learn. And I'm surprised they don't actually teach it in school, because it really helps you in a lot of different areas. I think that? Well, for one, it makes life much more easier. Because it's really hard to go through life without socializing with anyone, unless you live in like some cabin now in the woods, very far from society. But we, I think most people will live in, you know, they go to work, or they go to school, or, you know, you'd have to deal with your family members or stuff like that. But you know, I'll tell you what, working on my social skills has made so many things so much easier. And yeah, just makes your life a lot easier. There's also makes your life more fun. And I think that's my main, one of my main goals in life is to have fun. So anything I could do to increase the level of fun. I'm all for it. Let me tell you something. As far as like, work goes. If you have crappy social skills at work, your job is going to be very hard probably. And the more you can communicate clearly and effectively at work, I think you're management will notice and appreciate it and you can actually get move up pretty quickly at work. I remember when, like the 2008 economic crash happened, I had just started a new job like I had been there probably for about three months. And I was hired on with like, eight other technicians. And they laid off everybody except me. And I had basically managed to avoid the chopping block several times, like my boss actually called me and he said, Hey, I'm calling in because Swanley No, we're, you know, business is down quite a bit, and we're probably gonna have to let you go in a couple of weeks. And I was like, okay, that's cool. I kind of figured that something was up. He said, he told me he's like, yeah, you know, I don't usually tell people this until like, the day before, but you know, I just wanted to give you a heads up because I wanted to give you a chance to, like start looking for a new job was like Okay, yeah, thanks. I appreciate it. turned out he never even laid me off. He actually ended up and I was like, kind of like a temp. I was started as a temp and he had like, they ended up firing someone who had been working there for a while just so they could keep Me on, one of the reasons he told me was because I'm really good with really good with customers, like, especially customers that are like, pissed off. Sometimes my boss would like, if another tech technician had pissed off a customer, he'd call me and ask me if I could go talk to them. Because I just, you know, I had working on my own social skills, but it seemed to work really well, the customer service skills, like no surprise, surprise, people are people no matter where you go. So yeah, I'll probably talk about that to customer service skills, or it's a good skill to have, and I talked about a couple of things that work really well in that area. Something I want to mention, too, is that the human brain is supposedly the most complex thing we've ever discovered in the entire universe. So that doesn't surprise me why social skills can be so difficult, if you haven't had a lot of experience working on it. Because you basically have two brains that are the most complex things in the universe. You know, in direct contact with each other, I mean, not physically, obviously, but like, you know, verbally contacting each other. And again, you get messy really, really quick, your brain is working so fast, and trying to make meaning of these words. And words are basically just symbols, they're not even, like, completely accurate descriptions of something like if I was to say, like horse, like, you might think of a brown horse, or someone might think of a white horse, you know, it's just a symbol. So words communication, is to basically the most super computer ish things that could be working with each other. So if you're, if you've had a lot of difficulties, I wouldn't beat yourself up to about it too much. Because, you know, it's like, trying to work on the most complex computer in the world, you're just sometimes it's just, if you don't know where to start, you're going to keep fumbling and keep making things a little more challenging than they, they might have been in the first place. And, you know, people really need to connect, you know, people are, I don't know, that's just, I think that's just how we evolved, evolved in small groups. And we really like to connect with each other. So when we talk about when we, when you when you're connected with another person, it just, there's a need that's filled. I guess, I don't know, I need to belong, you feel like you belong when you talk to people? Okay, so I guess I'm not gonna get too much into it today, because we're just getting started. So I'm gonna give a little brief intro on what the podcast is gonna be about. One thing I wanted to talk about, I was telling you about a time when I was I went to a coffee shop, and I had to, like, go to work, maybe like two hours earlier than usual. So I was dead tired. I was, so it was like six o'clock in the morning, and I walked into a Starbucks. And there was this girl to counter and she's like, Good morning, how are you? And I was like, I was like, half awake, still, like Robins sleep out of my eyes, like pulling my wallet out. And I said, I'll take a medium coffee. And then I was about to tell her, you know, what's like room for cream? And, and I realized, like, holy cow, she just said, you know, good morning, how are you? And I totally ignored her. I just ordered my coffee. And I'm sure like, you know, maybe, maybe not, it's not that big of a deal. But I was like, trying to be more present with people. You know, you know, working on that aspect of my social skills. And so I stopped, like, mid sentence. I was like, Yeah, like, I'd like this much room for cream. And I was like, Oh, wait. Actually, you know, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. That was like, how how's your morning going? And like, just the fact that I'd stopped what I was doing and recognize that she had actually said something to me. Her eyes lit right up. And she's like, Oh, thanks. Yeah, I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I'm like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And just, I was surprised how, how much of an impact that made. It was something small, but at the same time, it really wasn't small. It was something that was it was an important lesson there. And it made my morning. I don't know if it made her morning. She looked like it put a smile on her face. So I thought that was cool. So just a little story, something that I remember when I was learning early in the days but Before we go, I just want to talk really quick about one of the things, one of the resources I want to recommend to you is a book by Dale Carnegie. It's called How to Win Friends and Influence People. And it was written early in the 1900s. It's really old. But it's like, it's actually like the first self self help book that was ever written. And it was a huge success. So I recommend getting it because I think it was probably like one of the very first books I bought. And it really opened my eyes to some of the stuff that I was doing wrong. And some of the things that I need to be doing to be more effective. Just one of the things I remember is, it's something called playing topper, I think that's what it was called. It's like when if someone just for an example, says, Oh, so what we're doing last weekend, like, Oh, you know, I went fishing I but I caught a fish. It was like a foot long as it was like, you know, so footlong is great. And the guys like, Oh, that's cool. I went fishing, too, I caught a fish, it was 18 inches long. Just basically, someone that's, you know, obviously they're trying to like, have a conversation, make a connection by sharing their story, but it's like one upping them. So and I remember when I read that, I'm like, Oh, that's interesting. And then after I read it, I noticed people do it pretty often, they they're constantly one upping someone else, or playing topper. And that's something that you should not do. And then when it happens, you find yourself about to do it. Instead, just keep listening, and try to relate to their story in a different way, not by one not being them. So that was just one of the tips from the book. I thought it was really cool. The book itself is great. It has a lot of like references to people that I've never heard of, but you might have heard of them if you live in 1920. So it's kind of like old timey in some ways. But it's really cool. And one thing I noticed too, is that in the very first part of the book, it says like it says something like, read the book. But when you read it, read one page, or maybe like read one chapter, and then read it again before you move on to the next page. Because I mean, it makes sense. There's so much information in this book, it's so easy to just glance over the stuff that you don't quite get or think is important. But it's all very important. So the way I did it was I'd read a chapter and I think the chapters were really short. And then I go back and reread the chapter again. So I've read I read, you know, when you read it, you're supposed to basically read it twice. And I've met a lot of people that have also read the book. And the first thing I ask them is, did you read it twice, like I recommended no one, no one's read it twice. But so be the person that actually reads it twice, because you'll get quite a bit out of it. And then actually, a couple years later, I read it again. And when I read it again, I read it twice. Again, it's one of those books, it's basically should be just a good reference manual. You should go back every couple years and read it because you'll you'll get a lot out of it, especially if you actually apply it in real world situations. I guess that's it for this week. So I hope you guys got a little bit out of it and continue and keep on listening. So have a good week.