This week we go into the logistics of the 'hello' and how to not make it awkward. We also talk about how great the book 'People Skills' by Dr Robert Bolton is for learning listening skills and also The Tao Te Ching and The Second Book of the Tao by Stephen Mitchell is. These are two resources you should definitely check out. We also talk about exchanging contact info so you can keep in touch and make a better connection. We talk about other stuff too, check it out and tell a friend!!
Help buy my beer ; D
https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast
paypal.me/TSSLpodcast
Thank you!! - Nathan. : D
This week we go into the logistics of the 'hello' and how to not make it awkward. We also talk about how great the book 'People Skills' by Dr Robert Bolton is for learning listening skills and also The Tao Te Ching and The Second Book of the Tao by Stephen Mitchell is. These are two resources you should definitely check out. We also talk about exchanging contact info so you can keep in touch and make a better connection. We talk about other stuff too, check it out and tell a friend!!
Help buy my beer ; D
https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast
paypal.me/TSSLpodcast
Thank you!! - Nathan. : D
Hey, what's going on everybody? Welcome back to episode number five of the social skills lab. I'm your host, Nathan Ament. This is the podcasts where if you need to just brush up on your social skills, or if you need a total rehaul we're going to try to help you out with that. So last week, we talked about a couple pretty important things, listening skills, and how to be present. Listening skills or man, I gotta say the probably like 80% of the game. Like when you're in a conversation, just having like, really good listening skills is like so important. Because people are just more willing to just like, jump into talking to you, when you when they can tell that you're very focused and attentive to what they mean. What if you just look interested in what they're talking about? It really does go a long way. And since most people, and I do emphasize most people have really bad listening skills. It's a good way to really separate yourself from the average schmo. Also, I wanted to mention too, I was talking about listening skills. I think one of the most, one of the best books I saw I read about it was this book called, it was just called people skills by this guy named Dr. Robert Bolton, I'd say if there was like, two books that I had to pick for the number one books that I've gotten the most out of, for the for social skills, one of them would definitely be people skills by Dr. Robert bone. I read it. I read it a couple times. I think I mentioned it before, but I wasn't sure if I mentioned his name. But that's, that's a must have. It's like practically the Bible of social skills. So make sure you get that one. He talks a lot about listening skills, like the Dale Carnegie book is really good. But Dale Carnegie did not talk a lot about listening skills. And Robert Bolton really goes into it a lot. So we also talked about reflective listening skills, like reflecting back factual information or reflecting back emotions. Like I use it again this week, some guy was really mad. I'm always dealing with mad customers. And the guy was like, he's pretty pissed off. And I was like, Yeah, that sounds, man, that sounds like that'd be really frustrating. I mean, just basically reflecting back the, the emotion and the guy was calm down. I tell you, man, it works worked really well. But we also talked about being more present. It just, you know, it's like rocket fuel for listening skills, just showing you how just convene the ability to be very present. Because quite a long way. I mean, there's definitely like when you're in a conversation, being present one thing, but how do you how do you cultivate that ability. I talked about doing yoga, and talked about doing meditation. Meditation is, it's great. It will help you be more present. So try it out, man, just like five, five minutes, 10 minutes, maybe even 25 minutes, every day, or every couple days. It's, it's kind of weird how like, one of the hardest things to do is doing nothing. That is why it is so effective. When you are meditating. One thing I was talking about just sitting there and being still and one of the most important aspects of meditation that I didn't mention was to just focus on your breathing. So when you're sitting there, just slowly breathing in and out of your nose. So when you're meditating, just focus on your breathing in and out for about four seconds at a time, in and out of your nose. That's about it, man. Just try not to think, just try to let your mind go completely clear. At first, it's almost impossible. like I used to. I heard this technique of picturing a shot clock like a basketball game. There's like a 22nd clock. Just imagine that clock in your mind counting down and tried to get from 20 down to zero without thinking any thoughts. Pretty good. technique because you realize right away how it's almost impossible to get past four seconds. You can even get a couple seconds without even thinking something like just remembering something from the past or whatever coming in your head. I mentioned some Eastern philosophy stuff that was really good for learning how to be more present. And one of the things I mentioned was this audio book called The doubt a Ching. But I didn't, I forgot to mention who it was written by. But it was, it's written by this guy named Steven Mitchell, s t. e. p. h. e. n. Mitchell, Steven Mitchell. And I'm not joking, man, I've listened to that audio book about probably about 40 times. I mean, it's not that long. It's only like an hour and a half or something. So the doubt it, he wrote the Tao Te Ching in the second book of the Dow. And they're on audio books. I don't think there's a written copy of it. But it is. It's also in like, my golden box of just amazing things. And like I've learned so much for so I recommend, so pick it up, man. I mean, it's an audio book, you you can listen to it when you're driving to work. Oh, okay. So jumping to this week. So this week, we're going to talk about the logistics of just saying hello. And like exchanging contact information, so you can keep in touch. One of the first things you want to think about when you're saying hello, just remember that people, most people are actually shy, I've learned that. And I was surprised to learn that I thought I was only when I thought it was me. And maybe like 10% of the people were shy. But I've learned that I'm not joking, maybe about 80% of people out there are actually very shy. And even though they might seem social, they might be social. They're probably only friends with people they've known a very, very long time they most people don't meet new people. So that's why it's pretty cool to realize that, Hey, everyone shy, so I don't have to be that means, you know, people are actually really open to talking to people because they're not going out and talking to people themselves. So when someone talks to them, they're kind of excited that hey, especially if you know you're finding interesting, and don't take yourself too seriously. So I remember hearing this quote, let's look at it here. Okay, so, Albert Einstein, apparently, he's a pretty smart guy, he is said to have remarked that the single most important decision any of us will ever make is whether or not to believe that the universe is friendly. I like to interpret that as our people friendly, do you believe that people in general are friendly. And I want you to think about that for a second. Because this will really affect how you go about improving your social skills and working on your social skills. Because as I recommend, every week, make sure you talk to one or one or two new people every single day, if you can. Or you know just people who already talking to push those conversations further than you are normally used to, like if you meet some guy at work, run into him every day and you talk to him for like 20 seconds, you know, try to push it to two or three minutes or something like that. Just keep putting little sticks and logs on those conversation fires to try to keep it going. It's a good practice. Just getting used to talking to new people very frequently. If you believe people are friendly, it makes it a lot easier to start a conversation with someone with a quote unquote, stranger. I actually do believe now that most people are pretty friendly. Let's say you're at a barbecue or something like that. There's just some guy standing there with his food. And he has a neutral look on his face. So you don't really have a lot of feedback. Is this guy friendly? Or is he like, you know, a psycho? I would say if someone is looking neutral, or if they have like a slight smile are they look, you know, have opening open body language, that's probably a decent opportunity to talk to someone new. Like if someone has like, looks pissed off. I usually try to avoid that. I usually won't start a conversation with someone's got like crossed arms or looks irritated or something like that. Just because there's always options, you should always have different options, more options better. So you can pretty much talk to anyone. I guess it goes back to you know, like when you're a little kid, your parents or they tell you not to talk to strangers, and that's probably really good advice. But as an adult, if no one's told you, I'm going to tell you right now it's okay to talk to strangers. In case I got ingrained into the deep reading recesses of your psyche, let's just clear that information out. It is now okay to talk to strangers. And like if you're in like, you know, junior high or middle school or junior, that's the same thing. If you're in like middle school or high school, you know, it's to me, it just seems like it's perfectly fine to talk to any of your classmates, you know, they might be strict, quote, unquote, strangers. But there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to talk to any of your classmates and start conversations with people you don't know. Okay? So let me give you a couple scenarios. As we get into the logistics of just saying, Hi, let's just say like, okay, I remember, I started a new job. I have a lot of, I've had a lot of jobs, just so you know. But I started this new job. I was in Southern California for a new job, and I was training. And I was a new guy. And I started with probably, maybe like five to seven new people. So we were, we were all like kind of running around. We're all like the new group of people. And, you know, they give at work, they give us new cell phones and stuff. So first thing right off the bat, there's always that one little application for notes. So we'd have these, so they gave us these new cell phones. And I always start in, like my iPhone, a new note in the notepad called people or names or something like that. And as soon as I would meet someone, and then, you know, when a new at work, it's such obvious to me, it's obvious that like, that's my, that's my in, I'm just gonna, like start going up to people and just be like, Hey, how's it going? I'm Nate. I just started here. Bam. I mean, like, How hard is that. And for the logistics, let me just explain a couple things. I make sure that I have usually have like a little smile on my face look friendly, you know, I'm not crossing my arms or have like a resting bitchface or resting asshole face. This was like when it was okay to shake hands, I would just like, I would just say, Hey, how's it going? My name is Nate. And I put my hand out to shake their hand or something. Or when they say, Oh, I'm Mike. And I'm like, Oh, nice to meet you. And I'd like, you know, a gauge gauge if we're doing a handshake or not depending on I don't know, you just feel it out. I'd say like, half the time, I'd shake hands half time, I wouldn't. But that was like before there was a pandemic going around. So probably not going to be shaking a lot of hands right now. I mean, hopefully, we'll get back to that. for actual like logistical specifics, I would, you know, make sure to give people space, you don't want to get into people's personal space. So I think it's about three feet, and usually stand about four feet, maybe three feet, somewhere in that zone. A lot of times I would like, be a little angled off, like, you don't necessarily want to be walked up straight at a person facing them directly. And kind of come up at an angle, just kind of like, feel more comfortable. In their personal space. When you'd come on. You walk up, you know, slowly, just picture like a cat, like you're gonna just run up toward cat and like, try to pet it. What's it going to do? It's just gonna run away. So I mean, just walk up casually, you know, smile, nod, okay? How's it going? I'm Nate, or whatever your name is insert name here. So that's a good one. Another thing you might want to think about is, do you mumble, I mumble quite a bit. And I don't know, there's probably, there's different vocal exercises you can do for that, like I heard that. It's like, you could put a pencil bite on him. I actually tried that one too, I think. bite on a pencil and say the alphabet, try to enunciate the alphabet over and over again. I think it makes it able to pronounce better. But I know that my name for whatever reason doesn't carry. My name doesn't actually carry sonically very well. So if like I'm at, you know, if I'm like in a quiet place, and someone asked me, asked me my name, I'll just say my name is Nate. My name is actually Nathaniel. But I go by that I go by Nathan or Nate, I really don't have any preference. I'll just say my name is Nate most of most of the time. But if I'm in a, like, maybe a music venue or something like that, and someone asked me what my name is, I'll say it's Nathan. Just because I've had so many experiences where people are, if I say my name is Nate in a loud environment, they'll hear Nick or they'll hear they won't hear it very well. So just be aware of that. When you say your name, say it loudly and clearly because it is really annoying to have to keep saying I'm sorry, what was that again? What was that again, just in general. Be aware of not being clear when you're speaking because I know in my experience, if I'm talking to someone who I can't hear very well, or if I have to our if I ask them to repeat it a number of times, I just bail, I don't really try to keep it going, I don't, I lose complete interest in keeping a conversation going with a mumbler or a quiet speaker. It is not good. So just be aware of that. And if if you have that issue, like get a digital voice recorder, I have one, I got like a little Sony Digital Voice Recorder. I used it for taking notes in school, but I use it for all kinds of other things. It'd be a really good way. And at first, you don't like the sound of your voice, trust me. But you'll get over it. Okay, so I remember to like when I wasn't taking classes at the community college. Let's say you're, you're in school. So I would just sit, I would sit next to people that look like they were somewhat friendly. So like in math class, I remember, anytime it's like the first or second day of math class, I would always just talk to whoever is next to me. And I would always just be like, so. Are you good at math? And I don't know why. But people always laugh. And I think it's funny too. Because no, unless you're talking to like the two people who are geniuses at math, no one feels very confident in math. So I don't know, it's just a funny way to start to open up a conversation. It's an observational thing. Using observational stuff is really good. To start conversations I was at, I was at a new job again. And that was training in Las Vegas. I was there for a whole month. And one night, it was like Friday, I'm like, Okay, I'm definitely going out tonight. And it's really weird to go out in Vegas without all your buddies. If you're just going solo, it feels really different. Because you're not there to party your frickin ass off. Because that's when you do with your when you're with your friends. And just a side note, that's why I love Las Vegas, because when you're there 90% of people there, they're just a party their ass off. And so it's just such a good vibe. There's no other city in the United States where 90% of the people are there to party their ass off every single night. So that's why I always like Vegas. But I was there for work. So I was really toning it down. I'm like I'm, you know, I'm pretty focused here. I want to make sure you know, I get some sleep. But I was out at this. I went to this place called it was the Cosmopolitan. It's like one of the newer hotels and they have this. They have a this, one of the best bars in the world. They're called the chandelier bar. And I remember I mentioned a few episodes back on, you know, looking up stuff, how to find stuff going on. So like in Vegas, I just basically googled 10 best bars in Las Vegas. And I made a note of all the ones I wanted to check out. You know, it's really easy to find stuff like that online now. And this was like in the top five bars. So I went there and just ordered a drink. I'm hanging out of the bar. These two guys come up in there. They ordered a drink, too. And I noticed there was they had put these weird like flower things in their drink. And I was like, I was like, What is that? What is that you're putting in there? And he's like, he's like, Oh, this is he started telling me about that drink. It's like a special drink they they make at this chandelier bar. I think they said it was called the flower drink. And he's like, it's these like, he went totally into it. He's like, yeah, they don't even have this on the menu. This place sold sold like $3 million worth of these drinks last year or something like that. And he's like, they've put this special flower on it. And I guess it's called like a Sichuan flower or something like that. And I don't know, he started telling me about it. And he said, He's like, you've never tried one. I'm like, No, I was like, No, I never even heard of it. And he's like, he's like, well, he he's like the bartender messed up our order. He's like, he actually got ordered us three only wanted two of them. He's like you want us you want this extra one? And I'm like, Yeah, sure. He's like, Alright, now take the flower and bite into it. And then wait like five seconds and then take the drink. And I did that. And this, whatever. There's some weird chemical on this flower that makes your mouth feel like you. Like just ate like a whole bag of pop rocks or something like that your mouth just goes crazy. And I don't know, it was just like a such a weird experience. But I use that as an example of like, just using your observation, paying attention being being present. So just like using something observational is always I've noticed a really good way to just open a conversation. So I was just like, oh, what was that flower? You're putting it what kind of flowers that are what is that? You're putting your drink. So he's observational stuff. It's It's a really good way to open conversations. Another good observational one that I'll use sometimes, if I'm like, at a bar or something like that, and like a, like a call to hipster bar hipster bars always have like, really good beer selection. So you know, just be chatting. You can just chat someone up, like if you're standing by them. And you know, usually, if someone's like, super deep in conversation, I mean, I guess some people don't mind doing that. But I usually don't interrupt people in the middle of conversation. But if they look kind of just standing there, kind of bored or whatever. That's like a really good way to just open up a conversation because, you know, people were bored. And they go out to socialize. And socializing is fun. So like, if someone has like, a real dark beer, or something like that, I'm like, I'll just be like, what kind of what kind of beer is that? And they'll tell me, and then it's like, Oh, that's good. You know, you'd start talking about beer or whatever. So just use observational stuff. Sometimes, like, if I start a conversation, like they'll ask you, they'll just ask you what your name is, or I'll tell them what my name is. But sometimes I'll have a conversation with someone for like, 30 minutes. And then at the end, I'll be like, oh, by the way, my name is Nate. And they're like, Oh, yeah, I'm Mike or whatever like that. Or so sometimes you do say your name at the beginning, sometimes you don't even mention the name, and you just forget to even mention your name. So that happens a lot. So don't be all stuck on getting the names and, and because eventually you will, if you're going to, you know, keep in touch or whatever. So let me give you another scenario. I was at this party. It was like my friend's boss's party. So there's It was like, I mean, he had a real nice house. But there's probably only like 40 people there, maybe, maybe 30 people. And I was talking with my friends in the on the back patio. And I could see in the house. And I could see the entryway. So I saw that, like someone had arrived. And they came in the door. And they were introduced to some people the door, whatever. But then I was like, I don't know, I was paying close attention. And I saw that this person had started to introduce himself to the people by the door, and then in the kitchen. And then in the living room, this guy was literally introducing himself to every single person in the house. And I was mesmerized, oh was like holy cow. I didn't realize that you can walk into a party, probably not know anybody, and just start introducing yourself to every single person. And this was a, this is really eye opening. Because I mean, it just changed the way I thought about, you know, talking to people at a party. And so I've in this guy literally made his way through the whole house. And then and then the backyard. And I eventually met him too. And you know, he was nice, charming guy. He had a big smile on his face. And he just went around shook everyone's hand. And it wasn't like weird or awkward, it was totally cool as hell. And I tried to adopt that philosophy or that technique. When I go to a party, so if I go to a party, I'll just start introducing myself. And I don't make it to the whole party I never do, I usually get stopped about a third of the way in, and I'll just get stuck in a conversation or two. But it's really good, because then you could run into those people later. And like, Oh, yeah, what was your name again, and then just start talking to him again. So that is just I don't know. That was like the the baddest social skills demonstration I've ever seen. I was like, super impressed. I really adopted it. So and I tell you what, try it out. Prove me wrong, did that. That doesn't work. I mean, if you're at a party with like, a bunch of hardcore bikers or something, maybe tone it down a little bit, I don't know, probably still work if you're at a party, and they're there to just have fun and meet people. Because, you know, if you go to a party, it's actually kind of expected that you'd socialize and talk to new people. And a lot of people like I said, a lot of people are shy. So they're actually happy to like not be standing there talking to no one. There's also something I've heard of called scaling out a spot. So if you're like, feel like you get stuck and you're like kind of a wallflower. You know, for like five minutes, just in the same spot, move around, move around the party, move around the venue, move around the bar, move around, you know, go to different spots, don't just sit in the same spot all night. Okay, so let's say you've been talking to someone for 20 minutes an hour. And I don't know, you're like ready to go check out another band or, or checkout or you're going to go to another bar or whatever. Let's say you're like, I really, this person is like cool to talk to you. And they'll just exchange I should I should get their contact information. So what I will do in those situations, say I'm talking to someone, and I'm like, Oh, this is going well, I like talking to this person. Maybe we'll catch up for a beer coffee some other time. You never know. I'll give you a specific situation I was at sea about a year ago. Me and my friend went to San Francisco to this music school. For like a meet and greet like an industry meet and greet. We just meet other students and stuff like that people interested in making music. My friend was he produces music, and he's really good. I do it as kind of a hobby. But he asked if I wanted to go, I was like, hell yeah, that sounds cool. Shit. So we went. I just talked to people tried to talk to people all night. At one point, I went outside to make a phone call. And I don't know, I was just chilling outside for a minute. And this other guy comes out. And he had been in there. I didn't meet him in there. But we started talking. And next, you know, we were talking for like, 20 minutes outside, we're talking all kinds of stuff. Like he was in a stand up comedy, too. Like he was in the music. So we talked about music for a little bit. But next, you know, we were talking about stand up comedy, because I love stand up comedy. And he was and he was singing, I don't know, I just get the just get the subconscious idea. Like, Hey, I should get this guy's number. Keep in touch or something. So I was just like, a, I'm probably gonna head back in there. But man, we should. Let's keep in touch. Like maybe when I'm back in back in the city. I'll hit you up. We'll grab a beer. Something He's like, Yeah, for sure. Let's do that. So what I do is I'll pull up my phone, I'll say, Okay, how about I just call you that way, you have my number. And they'll give me my number. And I'll put it in my phone, and I'll dial it. So I have his number. He has my number. And then I'll say, I'll put his name in. And about 50% of the time. Honestly, I forgot their name already. So I'll just be like, what was? What was your name again? I'm sorry, I forgot him. I'm really bad with names. And they'll be like, Oh, yeah, me too. So they'll tell me, they'll say their name. And I'll say, Yeah, my name is Nate, I'll just automatically say my name. So if they forgot my name, they don't even have to ask I just set it really easy. That's all you do. Keep the number, text them like the next day or two, like a is gonna mean you might be in town in two weeks, I'll hit you up on them out there. Just you know, it's always good to send a text or column in the next couple days. Because if you don't, it, that moment is so fleeting, that you'll you'll never talk to him again. Probably so. And then I'll, for this particular scenario, I hit him up a couple times when I was in San Francisco, I'm like, Hey, I'm in town, we tried to meet up, it didn't actually happen. So I'll usually one or two times, I'll do that. And then if it doesn't happen after that, it probably won't. Or I just I don't know, I just don't really push it because i have i've, luckily I have enough options where it's not really a big deal. If we don't ever meet again, it's really not a big deal. There's so many people to meet. So I usually give it one or two times. And then I guess basically the balls in their court, if they really want to hit me up or meet up, they'll text me. You know, a lot of times you do meet up, and then it's you start making friendships. Again, friendships that way, you have to get their contact information. So I'm an attorney, I guess, I guess some people use Facebook or they'll do Instagram. I don't really do that. I just usually just get the phone number and the syntax that way. But do whatever you were comfortable doing. But just make sure you hit them up again or whatever. And it's good way to keep in touch just like you know, maybe a week or two just say hey, you want to grab a beer, you want to grab a coffee. Something something very basic not I don't necessarily do something like hey, you want to go get dinner? Or or you want to go get you want to watch a movie. I guess you could do that stuff. I don't really do that. But you know, keep it light and be like, hey, you want to go on a three day trip to Tahoe? You probably do that too, but I don't know. I don't I don't do it that way. So just, that's just a good way to keep contact information. I guess that's it for this week. We're gonna, I'm going to go on a camping trip. So I got to do some packing and stuff. And next week we're going to be talking about how to be non judgmental, and also a little about a little bit about what does it mean to just Cool. Probably some good stuff to talk about. We can go into depth about it. And guess that's it for this week. So, I hope you have a great weekend. And make sure you talk to new people, one or two new people every day and try to have fun with it. Don't take yourself too seriously. And I guess that's it. Take care.