TSSL - Episode 16 - Assigning Value and Measuring Your Progress

This week we talk about why you should stop assigning value to your interpretations of situations that come up. We also talk about the Wheel of Life, a self-assessment tool to help you measure your progress as you improve you life and improve your social skills

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https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast

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Thank you!! - Nathan.  : D

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Thank you so much to Wax Mustang for the intro and outtro music - Powerball!

Be sure to check out Radical Honesty by Brad mo fo Blanton Ph mo fo D.

Link to Stephen Mitchell's The Tao Te Ching audiobook 

Transcript

Unknown: 0:55

Maybe running away from the body I'm thinking much in the backseat for the Powerball we can do it on demand. But the winning you know as games off of sheets sing along, man. And just when it couldn't get better, she talked in my ear saying you got the chin. You got the juice, you have the bison, you talking and walking the right way sundown on a highway, you know, the feel of a chainsaw? This is the social skills lab podcast. I'm your host, Nathan augment. That was Powerball by wax Mustang. So it's a lovely Sunday again. And I got a message on Reddit from someone. They were asking me or they said, they said they were a fan of the show. And they were asking me like, I'm a fan of the show. But I'm still confused as to how do you What to say? Or how to start a conversation with someone. And I was a little confused. I'm like, I thought that we went over that. But I totally get it at the same time. I totally get it. It's like it's a it's a lot of information. And it's like no, no, just go back to the very beginning with how do you start a conversation with someone? you kind of just start by just doing it. And I think the reason why it's confusing is like, when you start a conversation, you want it to go really well Well, I'm here to tell you, it's not going to go that great. Maybe about half the time, it will actually start off, you really just have to give your self permission to be really crappy about really crappy at it. Because you're, you're just it's okay to not be amazing at it, you kind of just want to be really good at it. But you get good at it by just putting in the reps. Just do it a bunch. And then like even if it's going bad, just for me, it'd be like, if it's not going well. I'm just gonna like okay, well, it's nice talking, you know, the step out. But I started forcing myself to just try to stay on longer. And just to see how far it actually would go even if I was doing it badly. And I was surprised that it would go like three times longer than I really expected it to remember I was like I was at this club in San Francisco, and there was a big back patio. I was just standing there and awesome. People kind of just walked in my area, my space. And I was just like, Hey, how's it going? And they kind of just like ignored me, even though they literally just walked into my space. So my first instinct is like, Oh, well, these guys aren't too friendly. I'm just gonna walk off. But then I was like, wait a minute, no, I was standing here first. I was like, let me just see how long I could stand here. And just be uncomfortable standing here because I was here first. And, and after about two minutes, he just ended up walking off. But if I don't know, it was just like a little I was just trying to push myself to be okay with uncomfortable situations. Because the more conversations you have the don't go well, the more you kind of realize that, hey, you know, I could survive a I could survive that situation and not die. And the the awkward moments actually become less and less awkward. And actually, that's kind of a skill you need to learn when improving your social skills. The other thing too is when you're starting out, there's so much there's so many little tips and tricks to like that are running through your head that you're trying to remember, it's easy to forget some of the most important parts. So I would say like if you're just starting out to free to starting conversations, really try to focus on your body language. Because like I said, that's the most important thing. It's easy to like physically slouch a little bit like you're like you're making yourself smaller. So I'd really focus on Make sure your posture is really good. Make sure your eye contact is really good. Make sure your vocal tonality is improving. One of the tips that I've heard recently that was really good was make sure you take up a lot of space. So like, the opposite of slouching is to like open your body, move your arms around when you're talking and stuff. So, like I'm doing right now, but you can't see it. And so, take up a lot of space, make sure your heads up high. Just, when you're just starting a conversation to your kind of, like I said, you're taking the lead, and people will follow your lead, in many instances, so if you're starting a conversation, and you're kind of just doing it like super, super casually, people will kind of follow you. And because if you're not really taking it too seriously, or if you're just like not putting a lot of momentum, momentous pressure on the situation, if you're just kind of like, throwing off throwing off a couple statements, people just kind of like, realize, or they'll just kind of follow into it. They're just like, if you're not making a big deal about it, they're not going to make a big deal about it. And that's a real big thing. You can if you really just don't take it too seriously. It really helps. Also, like I mentioned before, to just make sure you really expand your knowledge about every everything you can art, culture, music, politics, history, science, economics. You'd be surprised how often things come up that you just read about. I was working at this guy's house. And he had a couple art prints. And I recognized him as this artist Basquiat. It's like a artists back with art with Andy Warhol and stuff like that back in the 80s. And I was like, Oh, I like your your Basquiat prints are really cool. He's like, Oh, yeah, thanks. And we were talking about it for a little bit. I'm really into art. So that was an easy one. And then I noticed too, he had a hat that said, I think it said fella, and like I would have never known what that was. But like just recently, I started checking out some world music. And I'm kept hearing this name Fela Kuti. I think he's like a Nigerian musician. And I was like, is that a fella? Because it said his hats at failla? I was like, is that a fella? cootie hat? He's like, yeah, yeah. So we started talking about Fela Kuti. Like, I would have never, I would have never known about that. Unless I was just, like, curious about it. And just was like, you know, I heard about this artist filicudi. Next, you know, I'm like, let me hear from some of his music. So I just went on YouTube, listen to like, his top five tracks or whatever. And, yeah, just like, that's how you start conversations, you just notice something, you make a comment about it. And then the other person like, is really interested, they'll start talking about it. And then half the time, all you do is listen, at that point, half the time, you really don't have to say much, you just show that you're a good listener. And then the conversation will just run on its own. this other thing, too, I was like, working at this other guy's house this week. And he had, he had all these like weird tools. And I was like, Oh, are you like an electrician? And he's like, no, I work on will kinda I work on elevators. And I was like, Oh, you mean like Otis, because I always see that brand Otis on elevators. He's like, no, I work on some camera with another brand was. And I was like, Oh, that's cool. And I was like, Oh, yeah, I got stuck in an elevator once. He's like, Oh, yeah. Really? I'm like, Yeah, no, it wasn't a big deal. But the lady that was in there with me, she was like panicking. She started like, breathing hella hard. She's like, it's really hot in here. And I was like, to Super calm. I just figured by being there about 20 minutes, but it was only like five minutes. But he was like, yeah, people actually get hurt quite a bit, because they'll start panicking. And then they'll climb out the escape hatch into the dark elevator shaft. And we're out. And we were just talking about it for a minute. And then afterwards, I was like, Fuck, I should have asked him about the closed button. Because you know, there's like an open button and a closed button button on an elevator. And I wanted to ask him if the close button even works. Because every time you push, it doesn't really seem to do anything. Because I heard it doesn't. But yeah, so give you a little idea of just like random stuff to talk about. If you'd like, want to start a conversation where there's like, nothing to observe, I mean, there's instances where I've gone up and just like, said, Hey, how's it going? Sorry, over here started. Just say Hi, I'm Nathan. You know, you could literally just go up and introduce yourself. Like, I If you don't make it a big deal, a lot of times it's not a big deal. So if you're struggling to find something in the moment to observe and mention, then you could just literally just go up and like, introduce yourself. Okay, so let's move on to something else I wanted to talk about, I wanted to talk about some Zen stuff I have been into this last month or so I was listening to the, the, I might have been the second book of the Tao by Steven Mitchell. It's that audio book, I tell it, I've been mentioning. And like I said, I've listened to it probably about 40 times. It's just really interesting stuff to me, just talks about some Zen stuff that people came up with, like 500 years ago, 1000 years ago, 1500 years ago, just really old stuff that they discovered, and seems to still hold pretty true. So there was a quote, he, he was describing the master. And he said that the master is always pained, paying attention to his innermost thoughts. And I think what he was saying was, so when you're, when you're like, in a Zen state, you're at the center. So you don't have like anxiety, or regret, or fear, or sadness, you're right at the center, and right at the center has been, has been content. So you're just happy being content. So at any time, when you feel like stress, or frustration or sadness, you're basically not at your center. So at that moment, when you feel like you're not at your center, just pause and think about your innermost thoughts like, why am I feeling this way? Like, even if you feel physically off balance? Sometimes it's just because some thoughts running through your head. So I thought that was pretty interesting when he said that the master is always paying attention to his innermost thoughts. I mean, because other than that, he's probably just meditating and experiencing Sophie's ever office center. It's probably because some, some thoughts are popping up. And that brings me to this book that I've been kind of just jumping into. It's called radical honesty by Brad Blanton. Yeah, I'll put a link to this. It was, it's pretty interesting. So it's actually the more I read it, it's actually very related to some of the Zen stuff. And this is written by like a PhD or something like that. Maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist. And it's weird how it took until like, let's see when this was written. Okay, so this is copyright. 1994. So like, he's like, basically reinterpreting stuff that was discovered 2000 years ago by Zen, which is pretty cool. I mean, it definitely has many ways you can say it, you're gonna have to say it to people to till so modern, society can realize it. It's important stuff. So let me just read some a couple things from here. So it says, people choke the life out of themselves by trying, oh, people choke the life out of themselves by tying themselves to a chosen self image or any self image whatsoever. Many adults remain in perpetual adolescence locked into the protective confinement of a limited set of rules, roles and rules. And this protection kills. Freedom from such a life is a psychological achievement. The freedom achieved by people who grow beyond the limitations of their childhood conditioning is freedom from their own minds. Freedom from one's own mind is freedom to create. But in order to have some say, in creating life, you must be willing to tell the truth telling the truth frees us from the entrapment of the mind. I want people at least to consider the possibility that their most valuable values may not be so valuable. I want people to question their own certainty. So for simplicity's sake, I will use bullshit as a generic root word for all value assigned abstractions or summations of remembered experiences. Bullshit is any abstraction from experience your mind makes and assigns value to so freedom is mean, freedom is not being dominated by your own bullshit. All interpretations of reality are bullshit. We believe our interpretations of reality intensely, and we want other people to join us in our interpretations to make us feel secure. We believe our interpretations are reality. And if we can get enough votes, we will prove it. So this was, this was pretty interesting. All interpretations of reality are bullshit. And that's basically what Zen is saying. So it's like, if you're saying, This is good, this is bad. That's bullshit. And I think it's really, it's a really good lesson. Because anytime you start this, it's, I mean, when I read that a couple weeks ago, and I instantly realize how often I still assign value to my interpretations. Like if, like, if a friend is like annoying me, I'm interpreted, I'm interpreting something they said as some meaning. And I'm assigning a value to it as bad. So it's really, it's an ego thing. So anytime you're assigning value to something that's, I think it's directly related to your ego. And if you can shrink your ego, more and more, your social skills will really improve. Yeah, it's hard to say exactly how but it just happens in so many ways that your, your ego really gets in the way of connecting with people. Because situations, social situations will occur quite a bit. And it's really, something will happen. And then you'll react to that. And how you react to it is always more important than the situation itself. So if you react to it from a place of your ego, it's usually going to muddy the situation. But if you react from a place of like, I don't know one love. Like the Bob Marley phrase, one love. It's like, if you can really shrink your ego completely, you'll see like no separation between you and other people. So there'll be like, a one love situation. It's kind of hard to describe, but I don't know, I think I'm getting better at it. And I definitely thought that was a good read. So the radical honesty, pretty good book. I'm not, I'm not even that far into it. And I'm just kind of blown my mind. I'll put a link to it. Like I said, in the description. Yeah. So I remember this. This image I saw is called like the wheel of life. I don't remember where I came across it, but it was like, I feel really pulled up here. It's like this way to assess your progress. If you just like Google Wheel of Life assessment, there's a whole bunch of different ones that come up. They're all pretty similar. So it'll be like a wheel. And it'll let you rate yourself on a scale of one to 10. And then you could get give yourself a good visual of your, where you're at, and maybe where you want to be in the future. It'll give you a pretty good guide of a way to measure your progress. So that it's really good too. I think I've heard it and there's a lot of studies that if you want to get better, faster, make sure you continually measure your progress. It'll show you where you want to really focus on and I mentioned if to help your social skills, you also want to be improving every single area of your life like cleaning your room, working on your vocation or career work make sure you're start getting your finances in order when you have everything together you're so your, your attitude just gets a lot better, too. So obviously that's gonna help your social skills. So just reading one of these wheel of life. Let's see. So like different parts of it says health, career finances, significant other partner, family, friends, fun recreation, community spirituality. So they're all different areas of your life to to just pay attention, pay attention to and improve but like I thought it was interesting that like, let me see one of these other ones. Happening happiness, career, relationships, social skills, communication, wealth, financial security, health and fitness. I mean, they're all Pretty similar stuff to work on. But I thought it was interesting that if you really work on your social skills, it can literally improve at least half of these. So like, mental health, you'll, it'll improve happiness and satisfaction will improve career and work will improve. Relationships will improve family will improve. So, you know, if you work on your social skills, it'll definitely help in a lot of these areas that could improve your wheel of life. So I thought that was interesting. Check it out on Google, maybe print one out, maybe give yourself a little assessment on a scale of one to 10 in these areas, pin it up, you know, what I used to do, I used to actually get like a three by five card. And I would just write on it. January, February, March, or let's say, now it's April. So I would write April, May, June. And I would just tack it up, just as a reminder that, hey, I'm in the second quarter of the year. And I would kind of measure my, I would just do like a little self evaluation on what I need to work on this quarter. And if I made any progress last quarter, because I think trying to measure yourself in terms of days, weeks, months is a little, it's really hard to give yourself a decent assessment. So I kind of broke it down into four quarters in a year. So I don't know maybe you want to use that tip too. But I guess it's probably gonna be about it this week. Like I talked about, oh, there's one other thing I want to talk about. When the guy messaged me on the Reddit, I thought, you know, maybe I will put a email out for you guys. If you have any questions. Maybe I can answer them on the podcast. If I know the answer if I think I know the answer, I might give you the wrong answer. I don't know. But if you want to, if you want to shoot me an email, I got an email for t s s l podcast@gmail.com. So the social skills lab podcast TSL t s SL podcast at gmail so feel free to shoot me a message I'll try to respond either on the air maybe I'll respond to you directly. And I might just point shoot you a link to an episode where I talked about it just in case. So you guys have a cool week. Don't take yourself too seriously. Try to enjoy yourself try to talk to some more people push those conversations further. And I'll talk to you guys soon. Killing effects of a past life have to haul from a past life took the right path on the wrong night. Japan's on shaky dance right? What a bizarre life a pull up a car ride it's a Mustang with the beats Where have you seen him? Would it look like oh women and take for granted upper Milan and again in issue for the moon in the stars numerous bronze beautiful being the people with the lucky young linen and the nice to see the breast out so now I'm thinking that life is better with buddy you bet on the brother You win. In a tank tops with the eight ball jackpot. Oh man. If it wasn't for you, we could be if it wasn't for you. We could be