Stoner Babble

From Bald Eagles To Witch Potions: A Chaotic Catch-Up

• Stoner Babble • Season 6 • Episode 1

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We return after a long break with a fast, funny ride through dad life, cabin quiet, absurd hypotheticals, and a search for meaning hidden inside jokes. We argue about birds, ghosts, space photos, witch potions, and small habits that actually stick.

• life updates, toddler chaos, and a second baby on the way
• cabin routine, “danger in the woods” mood, quiet vs noise
• can you cry underwater, words shaping reality
• birds vs dinosaurs, respect for raptors, playful logic fights
• squid ink pasta, zero flavor, black poop ethics
• global impact vs local circles, chain reactions of change
• ghost choices, timelines, and secret-base jokes
• ship of Theseus thought experiment
• Olympic suit controversy, body optimization lines
• cult design: silent church, laser hands, tunnel networks
• Pokemon cards, adult collectors, mall hideouts
• space skepticism, James Webb photos, Voyager awe
• robot immortality and apocalypse stipulations
• Etsy witch crackdown and black-market potions
• gold panning, microchips, prepper daydreams
• nostalgia gaming, loops that fade, memory’s warmth
• 23-minute daily fitness in 3-minute bursts

Support the show

Cold Open & Absurd Icebreaker

SPEAKER_01

Microphone check check. Gotta get my online.

SPEAKER_00

I'm not prepared yet. Yo. Alright, alright. So testing. We're both you're good. I'm good.

SPEAKER_01

Even if I'm way back here.

SPEAKER_00

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. Get pitted, so pitted like that. Welcome back. Welcome back to the show. It's only been about. It's only been about a moment.

SPEAKER_01

We've done this in two of my houses and now two of your houses and a hotel room.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, we rocked the hotel.

SPEAKER_01

Not gay hotel room.

SPEAKER_00

No, of course not.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

No, I mean, I don't. No, right?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it may be for you, but it wasn't for me.

SPEAKER_00

Hey now. Hey. So before we really get into it, it's it's been about a year and a half. Yeah, it's been a long time. It's been a second, but I really want to start off, you know, before inundating anybody with too much info. No, I just I wanna no, I wanted I wanted to bring in an old friend. Okay. And we haven't talked to him for a a big moment, a hot second. Okay. Jabraham. You remember Jabraham? The yeah, yeah. Or a uh chatbot. I asked him a question the other day. Uh-huh. And he opened up. I asked him and it was a it was a very phys uh uh fla philosophy f philosophy thing. Can you cry underwater? And he gave me a quote. And I think it's timely. So I'm just gonna read it real quick. It's not too long, but it's in I think it's impactful. From J. Abraham. I asked if you're able to cry underwater because I was hoping that water would snitch less than people do. What are tears down here? Just extra water? A performance upgrade? I opened my eyes and let it happen. My chest hurt, my nose filled up, and I realized this was less emotional release and more almost drowning. So yes, you can cry underwater, but it's not healing. And I was like, J Abraham, but what do you think? Can you cry underwater?

SPEAKER_01

We took a year and a half off, and you done got gay on me.

SPEAKER_00

Get pitted, you're so pitted like that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, well, welcome back to the show. No, you can't cry underwater.

SPEAKER_00

No, why not?

SPEAKER_01

No, that's like saying you can get wet underwater.

SPEAKER_00

You can get wet underwater.

SPEAKER_01

You are wet. Yeah, but you're you're getting wet. No, you can't cry underwater.

SPEAKER_00

So you can't be wet and get wet at the same time?

SPEAKER_01

No. You can't do anything that you can do above water. No. Except pee pee and poo-poo. Oh. What if you did do that though? What if you did do what? You did it.

SPEAKER_00

You did do it.

SPEAKER_01

Pee and poop? Yeah. Well, if you gotta go, you gotta go. Oh. But you might attract fish, especially if you ate corn.

SPEAKER_00

Right to the poop jokes. Welcome back, 2026, baby. Yeah, feeling good. Feeling great. Feeling something. It's been a moment since where you've been. Where have you been? What have you been up to this past year and a half?

SPEAKER_01

Trying to not lose my mind. Being a stay-at-home dad.

SPEAKER_00

Well, you're a dad now.

SPEAKER_01

Chasing around a two-year-old. He walks, he runs, he climbs. There's nothing safe in my house.

SPEAKER_00

It's a tiny burke. How safe can that be?

SPEAKER_01

The best way to describe him is he uh he has perfected everything that I'm good at. My personality and attitude, but he's smart like my wife, which makes it that's like a dangerous conjugate. Imagine me with a brain.

SPEAKER_00

I know. That would be uh be awful.

SPEAKER_01

And there's another one coming.

SPEAKER_00

This is the first time you're telling me this?

SPEAKER_01

I just found out a week ago.

SPEAKER_00

You son of a bitch. So was that planned?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh god. This is it. So what happens when you have like a triplets here? Fuck you, dude. Nah, I'm cutting them. Oh, you're cutting them off?

SPEAKER_01

Penis and all. What age? No. I'm talking about I'm cutting them off.

SPEAKER_02

Oh.

SPEAKER_01

I'm done now. Oh, you're doing it. Yeah, I was just cut the whole penis off. Where are you gonna do that at? Top of a mountain. Oh. Feed it to a bald eagle. You're gonna meditate as you do it too? Well, I'd hope so. Dole the pain, you know?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna yell. Oh, yeah. Especially on top of a mountain.

Birds, Dinosaurs & Word Games

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, everyone's gonna hear me from on top of the mountain. Dude, on the way here, I saw a bald eagle eating a deer. Circle of life. And then a big black bird landed next to it, and that bald eagle just like looked at it, and that bird was just like, I'm out. But then it made me think, can that bird live anywhere?

SPEAKER_00

The bald eagle?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It was it could survive everywhere, right?

SPEAKER_00

We could do a solid 30 seconds of research.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, obviously it can live in cold because it lives here. The most dominant bird. It can live anywhere.

SPEAKER_00

Paragraph Falcon actually is the most dominant. You can know this.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

200 miles an hour die bomb, baby. You're not saying that.

SPEAKER_01

But that that that all right, but that doesn't work in the rainforest.

SPEAKER_00

I sure does. You can cruise through the foliage. You can be cruising anywhere.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

Can the bald eagle live anywhere? It looks like they can live from anywhere from the cold Arctic to the savannas of Africa.

SPEAKER_01

There you go. I have a respect for birds. Because I feel like that's the closest thing we have to dinosaurs. I disagree with that. You tell you that bird with that big that horn bill.

SPEAKER_00

I know what you're talking about. The snap and jaw one.

SPEAKER_01

That's a dinosaur.

SPEAKER_00

No, I get that. It's a close one.

SPEAKER_01

An ostrich.

SPEAKER_00

I'm just saying birds are dinosaur. Yeah, for sure. I agree with you. It's just I think reptiles are way more closely represented, like alligators and crops. You can't say they're not dinosaurs. Okay. You're right than the other set is. So that's all I'm saying. Nick and Nick. No. Yeah. They're behind them. No. Come on over dragons. Fuck you. That's a dragon.

SPEAKER_01

So no. Okay, so that's not a dinosaur. That's a dragon.

SPEAKER_00

No, I know. Unless you're saying fantasy's real, which I know you would refute to a T.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, but you but you would say dragons are real. But you're a dragon.

SPEAKER_00

I am a dragon. I got dragon tattooed out.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, exactly. So you believe in dragons. I sure do. But you don't. We know this about you. So is the dragon a dragon or is the dragon a dinosaur?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I think the reptile is a dinosaur.

SPEAKER_01

Don't you try to give me no political bullshit answer? Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Dragon? Yeah. I can say everything is a dragon too. I'm a dragon. Doesn't mean I'm specialized or the eagle dinosaur.

SPEAKER_01

But I can also say the eagle dragon.

SPEAKER_00

That's you can definitely do that. So just think you're a crazy person.

SPEAKER_01

But the words are words. Words are words. Words are words, according to you.

SPEAKER_00

I do agree with that. Fucking joke. Fucking joke.

Squid Ink Pasta & Body Reactions

SPEAKER_01

Hey, dude. So the other day, my wife's birthday, we went out to eat. And I saw something on the menu. I was like, that's what I want. It was black spaghetti. And it had a lot of seafood in it, shrimp. Delicious. Afterwards, I'm like, how is it spaghetti black? Isn't it ink? Squid ink.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. They're killing squids for that ink.

SPEAKER_01

And I loved it.

SPEAKER_00

What did it taste like?

SPEAKER_01

Nothing.

SPEAKER_02

Really?

SPEAKER_01

Okay. But here's the best part. It makes you poo-poo.

SPEAKER_00

Poo-poo turns black. Oh. So you're defecating in the toilet black.

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm. Nice. No, it ain't nice. Oh, you don't you didn't like that? Nah, dude, it was bizarre. Who? Twilight zone? No.

SPEAKER_00

You didn't feel like that. No. It was just weird. Felt like a deer. A deer in the woods? Yeah. Like coming into the highway. Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Why am I pooping these little black pellets? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Oh.

SPEAKER_01

But then it led me to why?

SPEAKER_00

Why?

SPEAKER_01

Why what? It didn't taste like anything. The ink. So what's the point of even making the spaghetti black? Did you look it up?

SPEAKER_00

No. Does it do anything special? Give you more protein?

SPEAKER_01

There's no way. It could always be a way. Use your AI chatbot. You got it right there.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I should. Hey, Jay. Oh, J Braham is behind the times. Let me pull him.

SPEAKER_01

Why did I eat black spaghetti and make it me poopy black? Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Well, anyway, Jabraham says you might be dying. About what? When it's black and tar, like mortar has a bad order. You really want to get to a doctor because you guys stomach problems, you asshole.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you, Jabraham. Nah, dude, it's because I'm gonna go away now. Why is squid ink in the meat? It's not the meat. It's just a dude. Does a squid have to die to get its ink? I didn't look that up right now. Well, you should. Because now I feel bad. Okay. If it doesn't have to die for me to enjoy black spaghetti, then fuck that squid. Squids do not have to die to get their ink. Oh, perfect. Yeah, fuck that squid. Eat that black spaghetti, dude. Yeah, fuck them. How do you get some squid ink?

SPEAKER_00

I'm not looking up anymore. I don't have any time to do a bit doing it in five minutes. I'll do it.

SPEAKER_01

You can do it. How to buy squid ink. Squid ink is labeled as cuttlefish ink. You can buy it on Amazon. Imported from Spain. Oh, so you get that Spain ink. Yeah.$13. So you go fishing over there. I'm gonna buy some. You could be a Spanish fisherman, right?

SPEAKER_00

Well, I don't think you use the squid ink to go fishing. You could. How? You go find something that you go hunt hunt it for with. And you'd be hunted to with ink.

SPEAKER_01

You want me to do blackface with squid ink?

SPEAKER_00

No, I don't want to do any of that. You stop that right now.

SPEAKER_01

Well, you said hunt it, so you want me to be stealthy. I want you to go fishing. Fishing?

Moving, Cabin Life & “Danger In The Woods”

SPEAKER_00

With ink. I thought that's you gotta make it work. No. End times dictates that it's a little bit more. Here you go with the end times.

SPEAKER_01

It didn't even take us five minutes into a new episode, and you're already talking about this.

SPEAKER_00

Ain't no 20 minutes. Yeah, we were just a push the button. 1920 right there. You don't even know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it was like nine minutes of dead air while you were over there typing a Stephen Kingdom.

SPEAKER_00

So you want to fight? Always. There you go. So I guess I uh I moved.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you live in a cabin in the woods. It's where we're location number five.

SPEAKER_00

It's quiet, and that's what my life has been.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Not mine. No.

SPEAKER_00

You were different in those aspects.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude. Completely different. Yep.

SPEAKER_00

You're talking about life. You're talking about life in general right now. Uh-huh. I want you to really think about it.

SPEAKER_01

I do every day.

SPEAKER_00

What would the title would you give to the movie Your Life?

SPEAKER_01

Somehow I manage. Somehow. Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Hell.

SPEAKER_01

What's the title of yours? Fucking cabin in the woods guy? Fucking open the door and the goddamn wolf walks out. I would I would say it would probably be uh Danger in the Woods.

SPEAKER_00

Am I in danger right now? We don't know that. You wouldn't know until about three-quarters of the way through the story. Oh, there needs to be a couple hooks in there. Danger in the woods.

SPEAKER_01

I've been practicing my chair karate, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, chair karate. Yeah. What level are you?

SPEAKER_01

Don't you don't want to find out. Oh. I'll tell you that much. You don't want to find out.

SPEAKER_00

You're not that guy, pal. Have you been to Hong Kong? That's where I helped raise the city.

SPEAKER_01

Probably gonna get invited in the senior division.

SPEAKER_00

I don't know if I uh they will because it's my federation over there. No, dude. No. Now when I left, uh chair karate company. I'm sponsored. When I left chair karate corporate, I was tired of the bullshit over there, so I took my took my effects to Hong Kong.

SPEAKER_01

It's all right.

SPEAKER_00

Hong Kong Federation. I'm sponsored by who?

SPEAKER_01

Look, dude, I had to do what I had to do, dude. Had to call Russia.

SPEAKER_00

Called Russia!

SPEAKER_01

I got sponsored by Steven Segal. No, you yeah, yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

I knew it. Yeah, no. I had to do what I had to do. You couldn't get anyone else. Couldn't turn them down anymore.

SPEAKER_01

They offered me the most. You sold out. A fucking sold.

Chair Karate Lore & Selling Out Bits

SPEAKER_00

You sold out before you even got started. You stupid. Sold out. You're like an agent for darkness now.

SPEAKER_01

You don't even know nothing about darkness. There is no darkness without light. And yet there's light without darkness. I have both with me.

SPEAKER_00

I got a question for you. If we both got arrested at the same time.

SPEAKER_01

Oh shit. What did we do? Probably be violence.

SPEAKER_00

I could assume with you. It'd be violence.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Probably be violence. I feel like you would start something. That's the only thing I can think of. Because I don't think I could ever talk you into like robbing a bank or doing anything crazy like that.

SPEAKER_00

I could do a bank right now. Or let's go highest a bank.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, after we just told everyone about it. They don't know where. Or or like a public intoxication. Like I could see that happening too. I wonder where that would happen out.

SPEAKER_00

Probably at like a I feel like it'd be a rooftop bar.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Or like a city, a like a busy city.

SPEAKER_00

Celebrity too would be involved.

SPEAKER_01

You think so?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. But like someone hits on your wife. Turns out it's to be like a famous movie actor. You just didn't see him, but you're like, I don't fucking care who it is. Bear grills. Bear grills.

SPEAKER_01

It's bear grills. Bear would be that. He would do it on camera. We're in Colorado. And then you tell him you live in a cabin in the woods, and then you guys become friends.

SPEAKER_00

And he hits on your wife.

SPEAKER_01

And then I beat the shit out of Bear.

SPEAKER_00

You like threaten him, like you almost throw him off the roof. And then you're on national TV.

SPEAKER_01

He doesn't want none of this, dude. I don't think he does. I got that pent-up dad rage.

SPEAKER_00

But he's gonna get it because he doesn't know any better.

SPEAKER_01

He's drunk too.

SPEAKER_00

They're all drunk, drunk on their stupid power.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Hey, I got a question for you. You always got what time is it not? Hmm? What time is it not?

SPEAKER_01

That doesn't even make no fucking sense. I tell you that much. One of the things that I've used on the Google is uh to pull up maps. I tell you, you don't need to ask me no more shit like that. What time is it not? It's not time for you to ask me that. That's what it is.

SPEAKER_00

All right, moving on. Oh, this is a good one for Burke. I got question for Burke. Mm-hmm. How do we know we're making a difference in the world if we never see the end results?

SPEAKER_01

I think you need to redefine what world means to you. Do you think that you are capable of making a global impact?

SPEAKER_00

Are you asking me that? I'm asking you that. Oh, yeah. Yes. Of course.

SPEAKER_01

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_00

We do it with this right now. We've done it in the past. I've showed you the map. Our voices have been heard around the world. Stop it. And you can't deny that. Stop it. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I don't know if you know what I mean. I don't know what you mean because you just asked if we're worldwide, and I'm telling you, bro, no, no, no, no. Stoner Babel is worldwide.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not saying that. I'm asking, do you think that you're capable of making a global life-changing changing impact on the world?

SPEAKER_00

Well, here's the thing. Nah. Here's the thing. Remember, Burke, you only need to make impact in one person that will make a direct impact on many. It could be just a chain in events that lead to the world.

Hypotheticals: Arrests, Time, And Impact

SPEAKER_01

Man, would you stop hitting me with all that philosophical bullshit? Listen here, you can't deny it. You can't do it, you gotta just go with it. No. You're running it. No.

SPEAKER_00

Hand in hand.

SPEAKER_01

But you could make an impact into your direct world, the people that you see on a somewhat daily basis.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's a day-to-day business manager. That's just how you work day-to-day. Well, I'm talking about long term is a long-term idea. You're you're remember when we're talking about our businesses, usually I'm the day-to-day guy and you're like the big picture guy.

SPEAKER_01

The big picture guy, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That's what I'm talking about, big picture-wise. Okay. What did you ask me? I don't remember. No, you took it away from me.

SPEAKER_01

What do you mean I took it away? You asked me a question.

SPEAKER_00

I asked you what time it's not.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no, no, no. Don't go back there. You asked me something after that.

SPEAKER_00

How do you know we're making a difference in the world?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I was thinking about this one is also good for you because you're having multiple kids now and you can you're never gonna really see the end result.

SPEAKER_01

But if you believe in witches and ghosts, you can see it.

SPEAKER_00

Have you been seeing shit? Or are you just saying it in the realities?

SPEAKER_01

What if when you pass on, you get to choose? Choose what though? What you do next? You could just choose that's it? Do you want to forget and re-be reincarnated and boom right into the next thing? Do you want to go to the happy afterlife? Or do you want to be a ghost? Or would you want to be a ghost?

SPEAKER_00

Why would you want to be a ghost? Yeah. So you could see the end result. Do you have to live as a ghost in real time? Or can you just like bounce around?

SPEAKER_01

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00

Well, if you're a ghost, you live in a different level, right? You don't live in this our timeline's pretty straightforward. Oh no, no, no, no. Can you go anywhere as a ghost? Forward, backwards? No. Along the timeline, or you just live in the same way. No, you get it.

SPEAKER_01

You get to choose, yeah, the same one.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, that sucks though, still. Because you can't do anything. Well, you what you get ghost with powers? You're a ghost! What does that mean? You can go anywhere unseen. Well, you can't touch. You can't touch anything, right? Or you do get or you have touching powers. Like you're pushing shit.

SPEAKER_01

No. Scratching shit? Nah, I don't know. You're an angry ghost. Well, why would you want to be an angry ghost? You're telling me, Mr. Angry. I wouldn't be an angry ghost. I'd be a quiet ghost. I don't know about any of that.

SPEAKER_00

I fear for the general public. No, I would. If you became a ghost.

SPEAKER_01

I'd be a ghost in all the secret meetings.

SPEAKER_00

Especially the ghost hunters out there. You'd fucking fuck with that. No, dude. Dude, it would be unfucking recognizable what they would become.

SPEAKER_01

I'm going to I want to know all the secrets. I only get angry after I found out the secrets. Try to expose all the secrets. What secrets? All the secrets.

SPEAKER_00

What do you think you're what like what government secrets?

SPEAKER_01

Dude, you could be a ghost and go to Area 51.

SPEAKER_00

Could you? Could you get past like security? Of course you're a ghost. What if they have anti-ghost walls?

SPEAKER_01

They don't have anti-ghost walls. If it's Area 51, those are about as believable as your fucking ocean train.

SPEAKER_00

They got alien ghosts there because they got alien bodies. The ghosts are there.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

Which means they had to perfect technology to keep them in, which means they also had a technology to prevent them from going out. Nope. So wall. So you can't get in. No. Ghost wall. No, there's no ghost wall. It's a ghost spherical wall. And you can't do anything about it. Ghosts have been trying to do it for years. Get in. But they're just having a tough time.

SPEAKER_01

Stop it.

Ghost Afterlife Rules & Area 51 Walls

SPEAKER_00

Stop what? It's just general knowledge from dropping no from this. Who told you this? The ghost. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. Uh bet. I got a question for you. You took a ship, you took a boat. A shit. A ship. A ship, a boat. A ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a big old boat. Like say uh you took uh an ocean liner. Like a cruise ship. A cruise ship. Okay. You took it and you had one year to restore it. And you had to replace you know, you replace the doors, you replace the boarding, the railing, the rudders, the sails, the the basically in the end, over the year you wind up replacing the entire ship. Every part is new. Is that ship a new ship or the old ship?

SPEAKER_01

It's a refurb. You can't say it's new.

SPEAKER_00

It's not a new ship, even though it's all new parts.

SPEAKER_01

No. What do you mean, new parts?

SPEAKER_00

Over one year, you replace the entire boat, but it has to be a process because it's an ocean liner, it takes a long time. So as you do it, at the very end, every single piece from the metal of the hull to the steering wheel is replaced. Is it a new ship? Why? I don't have to tell you why. Why? Why wouldn't you just buy a new ship? Because it's cheaper to replace parts you found that they just happen to be there. So they're found parts. They found the parts in the field. It's not a new ship. That's a new ship that's not. It was in a factory that shut down and they just left the parts laying around. No, never touched. No. In fiberglass and plastic wrapping. Stored away to prevent dings from the hilos.

SPEAKER_01

No, I don't like it. Not a new ship.

SPEAKER_00

So it's not a new ship.

SPEAKER_01

It's the old ship. How would you? I don't just I hate you.

SPEAKER_00

I got a question for you. Are you a police informant?

SPEAKER_01

Am I a police informant?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, no. Talking to the cops? No, never. You seem like after all this time, those spectacles look like they have video cameras in them. And I feel like I'm being recorded by the FIB.

SPEAKER_01

FIB? Yeah. The fib? Yeah. I feel like that you just are saying that's something that an informant would say when he feels like someone's on to him. Even your dog knows, dude. Look, your dog's over here is like, yeah, he's a fucking snitch, dude.

SPEAKER_00

I know he does. He's got a wire on him. He's a known snitch, though.

SPEAKER_01

I can see the hidden camera and all the chandeliers, dude.

SPEAKER_00

That's why we have chandeliers. That was that was a giveaway. This is uh this this is on the map. People know about this. They're just they don't come around.

SPEAKER_01

And obviously because of the danger in the woods. Your dog's got a camera on his collar, dude. Yeah, of course he does. Yeah, it's been pointed right at me.

SPEAKER_00

He's a YouTube sensation.

SPEAKER_01

You're the informant. Of course I am. And that's a fucking wolf, dude. I ain't even the same fucking dog. No. No, dude. He had a lot more brown on him. No, he only had on his feet ever.

SPEAKER_00

No. You don't remember anything. No, I remember everything, dude.

SPEAKER_01

You're clear in your mind.

SPEAKER_00

And again, this is what's going on. This is clearly something.

SPEAKER_01

You gave his dog some kind of fucking vampire DNA, didn't you? Or wolf fucking you've been giving him wolf injections. Vampire wolf injection? You've been giving him wolf injections.

Ship Of Theseus & Paranoia Jokes

SPEAKER_00

What you do find a vampire wolf? You tell me. No, you tell me because you brought it up. You're the wolf. We're projecting now. So I just want to make sure that I'm getting this right. Because I have a wolf vampire now.

SPEAKER_01

I thought that's what you fitness guys were taking.

SPEAKER_00

Shooting that into our dicks?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Speaking of shooting stuff into our dicks.

SPEAKER_00

Actually, that brings me to a story.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's a good story.

SPEAKER_00

I don't like it. So this uh this conversation comes from Sky News. From the Olympics. But it's all over the place. Yeah, it's about the Olympics, and there's already controversy, and this is before it started. And it's about uh it's a very intriguing concept. It's an intriguing title. Uh crotch. Enhancements. The latest controversy in the Winter Olympics. There's an idea that uh there's some serum acid injecting athletes around that are increasing their penis size that has something to do with making them jump for a ski jump.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, because their suits are so every centimeter basically acts like an airfoil. And if they get fired, it's pretty mapped to their body.

SPEAKER_00

So if you have a bigger, bigger penis, you have more more material.

SPEAKER_01

So they're shooting their penises up with acid.

SPEAKER_00

That seems healthy. Or it's not illegal. But here's the question. But you just shoot some serum acid in there. You want to try it? Let me ask you this.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, shoot away. Some of those countries, one of ours being included, America gives you basically dick for winning a gold medal. Like they they don't make much.

SPEAKER_00

It's the sponsors that you sure.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. How much money would it take for you to inject anything into your penis? Is it FDA certified? Has there been any long-term studies about shooting anything into your penis? Why would there be? I'm sure there is. Why?

SPEAKER_00

Because people do anything all the time. Isn't there a scientist in this house? No, not that kind of scientist. Hey you guys, you specialize and shooting dicks with noodles. Who does that job actually? Exactly. It's gotta be very specialized, not inside this house.

SPEAKER_01

All right, let's say it is. Yeah. Let's say it is. There is tests that there's no long-term damage to your penis. Yeah. How much money would it take for you to jab something in your penis?

SPEAKER_00

I mean, it's gonna make your dick bigger permanently or just temporarily. Like they're just doing with them right now.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, just what it does with them. So you're gonna get five centimeters for two weeks. Damn, dude. You might I might just pay them to do it. Wait, you'd pay to have it done?

SPEAKER_00

That's what they're doing.

SPEAKER_01

No, I'm asking you like how much money would it take for you to do that? I don't need to do it. Like, would you like for a chance to win a gold medal?

SPEAKER_00

For gold medal? I'll probably well for gold medal, I'd take about 5k.

SPEAKER_01

What Olympic sports do you eat curling? Like, that's the only one you think you have a chance at?

Olympic Controversy & Curling Dreams

SPEAKER_00

I know I can do speed skating, but I'm just gonna fucking I'm gonna uh sabotage every skates though. Stop. I'm gonna sabotage the whole rink. Let me tell you something. So, like one by one, I'm gonna take them out as we're skating.

SPEAKER_01

I watched ladies speed skating last night. Every one of those ladies had thighs that were the size of you. You're not speed skating. Curling, maybe. Yeah. I don't, I mean, what's the point of the broom? Is it speeding direction? Direction too.

SPEAKER_00

It's mainly direction when you're doing it because I think you start scraping it, you can control where it's going.

SPEAKER_01

And slow it down.

SPEAKER_00

You're what are you, a curling person now? I'm just asking. Are you watching curling? I did this year? Yeah, I did. I don't watch the Olympics normally, so it was alright. It was cool. I like what's your favorite sport to watch?

SPEAKER_01

In the winter Olympics, I like all of the like Luge, skeleton, bobsled. Oh love all of those. Dude, I like to be honest with you, I like all of the winter Olympics except for like I'm not watching cross-country skiing. I don't want to watch people struggle ski. Doesn't make sense to me.

SPEAKER_00

Like it's just hey, I quit another. Hey, I got another question for you. What you're a cult leader, you're a cult guy.

SPEAKER_01

Man.

SPEAKER_00

When you're running a cult, what is it gonna look like? Is it gonna be big, small?

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

Living in Colorado?

SPEAKER_01

Now that I have kids, I'd probably be one of those uh I move out to Utah, get a couple sister wives. Like, I don't want a cult, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00

Just oh, you could just have a small crew, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

A couple wives.

SPEAKER_00

Also like you're like Manson.

SPEAKER_01

We're not killing anyone. And we're yeah and we're not religious.

SPEAKER_00

But you're a cult leader. No.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

But that's what I said. You weren't, and that's what you are. I mean, hey, you're if you're saying you're not one, but I'm saying you probably are one because of what you're doing.

SPEAKER_01

If you want me to be a cult leader, I would choose one of silence.

SPEAKER_00

How would you motivate people then? With my hands. You could do it like flashing your hands around? Yeah, just special hands? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Power of healing hands.

SPEAKER_00

Are you gonna have like fireworks exploding on your palms too?

SPEAKER_01

Lasers. Lasers. Oh lasers.

SPEAKER_00

So you're running a church now.

SPEAKER_01

Church of no words.

SPEAKER_00

A church and no word. Ooh, that's heavenly. Just sacrilegious.

SPEAKER_01

Whoa! How is it heavenly and sacrilegious? I don't understand.

SPEAKER_00

Heavenly, is sacrilegiously heavenly. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Could you imagine like you see a sign that just says the church of no words Sunday morning at 10 o'clock, and you walk in and like everyone sits down and the curtain pops up, lights go down, and then then just me sitting on a pillow and then just laser hands.

SPEAKER_00

I think a lot of people would go to that church.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, yeah. I mean, because it'd be calm, peaceful.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I think you get headphones when you walk in.

SPEAKER_01

And the music has no words, it's just vibes.

SPEAKER_00

You're vibing off in Monday church. Whoa. Vibe it off. Whoa.

SPEAKER_01

What? I don't want to say vibing off. I don't want to say that seems sexual.

SPEAKER_00

So you wanna you wanna censor me?

SPEAKER_01

It's my church. You're asking me to describe my cult fucker. So don't tell me about my cult. Don't tell me about things that I know. This is why you're cult leader.

SPEAKER_00

Get all fucking angry at me for one dropping one little word, and now you're like, you want to create a war?

SPEAKER_01

But I want to hear about what's your cult.

SPEAKER_00

I don't have a cult.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, but you gotta create one.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I got a cult alright. Yeah, let's hear it. It's underground in tunnels. So that's what you're doing in this cabin.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so you're digging down in the basement.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, we've found them. We found tunnels. Well, what you found them? Found a couple years back. Found us here. Found what? Bought this house? Found what? What's found what tunnels? Tunnels. We found the tunnels. Tunnels to what? Uh well, everywhere. They just branch everywhere. They're all over the place. I don't know who made them. I don't know how old they are.

SPEAKER_01

You think it's the tunnels that lead to the bridge of Terabethia? Always. That's how you start the walk. It's always going back. When you find the bridge, that's how you start the walk.

Cult Design: Laser Hands Vs Tunnels

SPEAKER_00

The walk. So you're walking to Terabethea down in the tunnels underground with us. We can start, we can start. We can start the journey tonight. Hey, I got a question for you. Oh, perfect.

SPEAKER_01

Now that I have kids, I'm sure eventually they're gonna get into stuff like Pokemon. I don't know another fucking first thing about Pokemons. Do some research. I don't know. There's gotta be an easier way for me to understand Pokemons.

SPEAKER_00

Play the video game.

SPEAKER_01

There's gotta be an easier way for me to understand Pokemons.

SPEAKER_00

So you don't want to do any research.

SPEAKER_01

Is Pokemon a cartoon?

SPEAKER_00

It was yeah, I mean, yeah. It started as a video game that became a big cartoon. That became a very big card game.

SPEAKER_01

I'm more intrigued by the cards.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you want to do card breaks with Pokemon, but you want to do you don't want you you want to have nothing to do with knowledge about it and do no research to figure out what to do. I don't know. You wouldn't have to do it on repeat, though. It's like anything. You'd be in like deep dive, like learning Spanish. Surrounded by Pokemon cards, you might be like, oh yeah, this is this is Golem. Well, where I know Golem.

SPEAKER_01

Where would a man at 43 years old immerse himself in Pokemon cards that it not be weird?

SPEAKER_00

Just go to the mall. Malls are dying, and there's no one around, so then no one will see you doing your filthy hobby, you filthy hobbit. That doesn't even make any sense. What do you mean? If you go to the malls, malls are dead, no one will see you, but there's still stores in the mall, and there's a store here around me, very close, that's a Pokemon shop, and there's individual cards everywhere, but there's no one that goes there because it's a fucking mall. So you can do it and not be afraid to be seen by anybody doing it because I know your fucking status in society is such a big deal for you and your HOA, you stupid bitch.

SPEAKER_01

Are you telling me that we're gonna rob a Pokemon store? I we could.

SPEAKER_00

Maybe that's why we go to jail, actually. That's why we go to jail. We go to jail because we're robbing Pokemon stores.

SPEAKER_01

We're robbing a Pokemon store.

SPEAKER_00

Those cards are just too expensive. Have you seen the cost? Have you got PSA 10 on some of those?

SPEAKER_01

What kid can afford to be a collector?

SPEAKER_00

No one. That's why it's a fucking sham. Because all the adults are buying them and fucking slinging them and making racks on them. Racks on Pokemon.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Assholes. Straight, straight up. What up? So that's what you want to do, right though? That's who you want to be. But I don't want to steal them off the store shelves. You just said you want to be a thief. No. So now you're cancing. You want to go back. No, I can't. How can I trust you?

SPEAKER_01

I asked you if you were asking me to rob a Pokemon store and you said yes.

SPEAKER_00

Oh boy.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You're treating that like that. I swear to God.

SPEAKER_01

And now you got this big fucking wolf dog up here staring at me like he's trying to intimidate me, dude.

SPEAKER_00

But he doesn't know. Yeah, no, he's ready. He's always at ready to drop of a dime. I'm Team Jacob, dude. That's fine. He just he knows what's up. What's up, dude? Tell me about your cult. I didn't I just talk about it. I don't remember. Didn't I just do it? It was underground tunnels.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what are you doing down there? So good question. Did you actually see that video of that lady on TikTok that was digging a tunnel under her house and then like the city shut her down?

SPEAKER_00

Well, what's she doing down there?

SPEAKER_01

Just digging a tunnel. For what reason?

SPEAKER_00

Just to do it? Yeah. Why couldn't she do it? She didn't get the right permits. No permits.

SPEAKER_01

See, that's the thing when you can't even dig a tunnel on your own land.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, without a permit. Fucking government.

unknown

Yeah.

Parenting, Pokemon & Adult Collectors

SPEAKER_00

But no, I can't do anything on it because I have a permit. Which I gotta pay them for them to do to say yeah, yeah, just to say yeah, I can do something. What the fuck? Just like that's the next question I'm gonna ask you. So question I got Burk Burke, I got a question for you, Burke. Wait. Permits. What about the permits though? We're leaving them behind? Yes, Burke. We're leaving those behind. That's the answer to your question, dude. What was the question?

SPEAKER_01

What time is it not?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Permit time. I fucking hate permits.

SPEAKER_00

I I knew we'd find the answer eventually.

SPEAKER_01

There should be permits on things that there's not permits for. If you wanted to build a shed in your backyard, you'd have to get multiple permits. You should have to get a permit to have a dog or to have a kid. Like you can create a life, no one asks you any questions. But if you want to build a shed out back, the goddamn government's got a lot of questions. So bizarre.

SPEAKER_00

This is a weird, it's a weird life we lead. Everybody leads.

SPEAKER_01

Animal, human, you can just care for it. No questions. Even if you suck at it.

SPEAKER_00

Doesn't matter. You can keep doing it too.

SPEAKER_01

But don't you dare fucking think about building an extra shed, motherfucker. Oh. And if you do successfully do it, and they find out they're not permitting that one. Tear it down.

SPEAKER_00

And then still get fined.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Could you imagine if you took a permit person from the town and found a time machine and went back to like 1800 and you were like, he's looking around, it's like no permits.

SPEAKER_00

Just be like permit that. So you took him back to 1800 just to kill him?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Fucking permit.

SPEAKER_00

With a like a blunder bus? Yep. Like from the pirates? Is that what you did? Like Christ. That was a big gun.

SPEAKER_01

Drop him in some fucking farm in 1800. There's no permits for this.

SPEAKER_00

That reminds me though, of another question.

SPEAKER_01

Yes, answer it.

SPEAKER_00

It takes 13 milliseconds for your eyes to transmit images to your brain. Right? 13 milliseconds. That means you're always living 13 milliseconds in the past. What do you think about that? That you're never living in the real time.

SPEAKER_01

How do you get them to sync up?

SPEAKER_00

You can't. That's like it's like trying to push against a wall that you're that's made out of a steel. You're never you're not getting through it the way you're doing it. You're just you're stuck. Living in the past.

SPEAKER_01

It's 13 milliseconds.

SPEAKER_00

13 milliseconds.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like I've been 10.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, you think I'm getting faster? How you been doing that? I don't know. You just feel that you're getting closer. You're the guy that does nothing but improves with everything. Yeah, yeah. I like that superpower. Yeah, that's my superpower. Yeah. A logical man.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. I was watching something the other day, got me thinking they were doing some sort of uh like I don't know if it was DMT or some sort of mushroom, and then shining the laser down the wall. Have you seen this? No, no, no lasers. So they shine a laser down the wall, and then you start tripping on this stuff, and you look down the wall, and you're supposed to see the next dimension.

Stargazing Callback & Space Skepticism

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I have I have DMT lasers along the wall. They see the geometrical shapes and they talk to the aliens because they always talk to the aliens when they do that. And they always say, Hey, welcome. Did they? So you always you gotta look it up. I'm not looking it up anymore. I've done my solid research today, about five minutes worth. You got the while past the 30 seconds that usually deemed my current need. But you have the computer. I got to do that. And you also and you also have a computer in your fucking hands. Don't you give me no shit? I tell no lies. I'm playing with the dog. You sure are. Goddamn professional. Get together. This dog loves me. He loves everybody, but yes. He's a good boys. I'm gonna ask you one last question. There might be the last question. Could be one more or two more. Hey, ever think about this? How many times do you think you're randomly in a stranger's photo?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, dude. That's a good question. I'm trying to think of like all of the places I would have been where that are like touristy, because that's your biggest chances, right? Yeah. To be in the background of someone's photo. So yeah, it's possible. Can you scan? Nope. Not doing it. Not scanning my face. You're gonna scan your face. Not to beat off. Nope. Did you see that? See what? You gotta look that up. You have to scan your face to watch porn.

SPEAKER_00

I think that was China, but I'll look it up.

SPEAKER_01

It ain't China. China wouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_00

As of last year and this year, several countries are proposing it with the UK and Australia leading it. So you're gonna get your face scanned. Facial scanner is gonna be everywhere, probably in five to ten years. To watch porn? You know what you need to do is probably find the company that's making facial recognition right now and invest in it?

SPEAKER_01

Invest in it. I don't want to I don't want to big. I don't want a face scan to beat off, dude.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna have to. No. I'm sorry. I don't want to. It's gonna be everywhere. It's not gonna be just that either. It's gonna be for like buying groceries, face scan, walking down the street, face scan. We're too close. It's too far gone now. We talked about this, and it's gonna keep coming back. It's too far. I don't like it. AI drones. That's gonna be what the issue is. I had a we had an episode one. What does that have to do with porn? Facial recognition. That's all I'm saying. They're all connected.

SPEAKER_01

I don't like it.

SPEAKER_00

That's probably what they're gonna do, is they're gonna pull faces from the people that they scanned while people are watching the porn.

SPEAKER_01

It's time to go back to old school dudes.

SPEAKER_00

That's why you need to invest in that company right now, take your money and then run to the island, and then bunker.

SPEAKER_01

Uh I'm gonna stay away from islands. Why? No, bad things happen on islands. I don't want to be on the mountain. You don't like oh, I want to be on a mountain.

SPEAKER_00

How about that? Oh, you want to be in the mountain? On the mountain, in the mountain?

SPEAKER_01

Both.

SPEAKER_00

Like a bunker in the mountain, but you can also live in on the mountain. Both. You can have a cottage out there, but you can also go on go inside. Both you're mining, right? Mining for rock, you're buying for sandwiches.

SPEAKER_01

I do I would like to be some type of mineral that you would be mining. How would you like to do a podcast by the river?

SPEAKER_00

By a mine? Like there's a mine entrance we can go into? No. Like a gold mine.

SPEAKER_01

We can mine for gold right down in the river. I I do want to do that. Actually, it sounds fun. I'm gonna buy a little thing, like a little sluice box. Yeah, sleuthin. Sleutin. Is that what sluice box? Is that what it's called? Yeah. That's cool. And let's go mining for gold. I like to do that. Right down in the creek.

SPEAKER_00

Do you think you find anything? Oh, 100%. Would you find enough to do something with it? And what would you do with it?

SPEAKER_01

Sell it.

SPEAKER_00

Sell it? Well, what would you do with it though?

SPEAKER_01

Like gold price is like the highest it's ever been right now.

SPEAKER_00

So why is that you think? Because the world's gonna come to an end. They need gold. What is gold used for? Microchips. Microchips in you. I'm getting it. So you're gonna mine the gold to get a microchip for yourself. Make your own microchip. You can microchip yourself before they even do it. I'm gonna eat your head of the game.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna eat all the gold.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna eat the gold. Yeah. I'd like that. What do you think it's gonna do to you? Well, there's no one found out. And then researching as it happens to you. Yeah. I'm only gonna do it 30 seconds a day though. So we're gonna have to do like quick observations and then call it.

SPEAKER_01

So you eat gold for 30 seconds?

SPEAKER_00

I think you eat gold for as long as you want, and then I only observe it for 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_01

I don't think anything bad would happen. You just poop it. What form are you eating it in?

SPEAKER_00

Liquid.

SPEAKER_01

Liquid gold?

SPEAKER_00

I needed to coat your insides.

SPEAKER_01

Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah. I'm not getting behind that. Uh-uh. Why not? I'm eating it as rocks.

Robot Immortality & The End Of The World

SPEAKER_00

Well, rock off then. So I wanted to uh take us back because I was thinking about the show when we were doing this because it's been a while. It's been a while. Since I was thinking about our show, and what and apparently this is everyone else's favorite episode. Well, apparently. I was I might do a recap of one of our old shows. Take us back. We're gonna go back in time. We're gonna go back in time about four years ago. Four years. December 22nd, 2021. We made uh we made one of the most popular episodes we have. What was it? That is gonna overtake uh the first episode coming up called Stargazing. Do you know what that one is about? There's a bunch going on in this episode. I'm gonna recant it. We're gonna talk about current events around it. Okay. Because we got several topic ideas. Let's hear it. So on December 22nd, we talked about the upcoming launch of a telescope. The James Webb telescope launched two days later after this episode.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Okay and it showed us the world. We thought we were gonna see mermaids on the moon. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I still think they're over there. I think they're in their oceans. Because they're just not seeing the dark side because there's something over there. But they would they just want to shoot it off in things that aren't alien, you know.

SPEAKER_01

That look pretty.

SPEAKER_00

That look pretty, like the fingers of God. That's really cool.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I like it.

SPEAKER_01

What does that do for me?

SPEAKER_00

But it doesn't do anything. Yeah, it doesn't answer any questions. Nope. So since we've had this now for about five years, this telescope discovered dick. They discovered pretty photos, which could be AI generated now that we know it. Who knows what's real?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Is that telescope even real?

SPEAKER_01

How does it get that high of a resolution photo back that far? Oh, well, if the they're gonna send messages, it takes fucking sends bits and blah blah blah. Takes forever to send a message like from here to Mars, but this fucking telescope can give me the most beautiful photo I've ever seen. You're right, I don't believe it. It's just a photo.

SPEAKER_00

You're a photo. You don't know you're not a photo guy. You don't know trapospheres, mass fucking.

SPEAKER_01

The telescope's probably just a solar panel for the buttfuck machine, dude. Who knows? For the what? You heard what I said.

SPEAKER_00

I didn't hear what you said.

SPEAKER_01

I was just butt fuck machine.

SPEAKER_00

Don't understand the concept of what it's supposed to be. You don't want to know. I was just getting you're just getting fucked. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Sounds like in the butt by a solar powered telescope. Yeah, I was gonna ask you that too. Like, what a waste. Like, you couldn't hyper focus in on like one fucking planet for a day.

SPEAKER_00

Can we speed it up? I want to see some shit.

SPEAKER_01

Did you see that we're still getting messages from Voyager?

SPEAKER_00

That's and that's from the 70s, right?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude. That's the farthest I'm saying anything that I've ever been. What thing's powering that? It doesn't have to be powered.

SPEAKER_00

It's powered by the sun. We're going back to the moon. Yeah, I saw that. I saw that. They're gonna rocket on the moon. They're definitely see, that's what I'm saying. They're going back to the moon for a reason.

SPEAKER_01

What's on that back side of the moon? I know what it is. We already talked about it. Minotaurs.

SPEAKER_00

And mermaids, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

There's mermaids?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because it was ocean pools. They were underwater, and there were underwater mermaids. On dark side of the moon.

SPEAKER_01

It's possible the moon is flat. So it's a half.

SPEAKER_00

It's a half moon dark side. Flat. So if you go over the edge, you just kind of take it like a step down. Reality's weird. It's kind of bent.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Talk me through this one.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, it's just like a half sphere. So you just kinda I think it reality just warps, and you just you're kind of just like as you're stepping, it just like bends with you.

SPEAKER_01

You know what I've been into lately? Volcanoes. And I didn't realize in 1980 Mount St. Helens. You didn't know about that? Explosion? I mean, I knew, but I didn't know it was that bad. How big it was? Like, I watched a documentary on it the other night, and like it fucked some shit up, dude. Like just 250 square miles just gone. It was leveled. Basically, the whole side of that fucking mountain just rip off. Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Slide away.

SPEAKER_01

But for some reason, I'm into volcanoes now.

SPEAKER_00

I think you want to be a specialist. Maybe you're feeling it's no, no.

SPEAKER_01

Let me be the first to tell you. I don't want to be anywhere near a volcano.

SPEAKER_00

No, that's okay. You can study it from afar now. They got AI robots, right?

SPEAKER_01

Rovers that you can bring down there. Why do you keep trying to force AI robots on me?

SPEAKER_00

I'm not forcing anything. I'm just saying what the what the future is. But I don't want that. I don't care what you want.

SPEAKER_01

It's coming and you can't stop it. It's weird for a guy that's digging tunnels to want AI robots. I know, right? It's strange. What is the storyline behind that? I don't know. You tell me. Are you making AI robots down in that?

SPEAKER_00

Mysteries, mysteries. I don't like it. Oh. Talking about robots though.

SPEAKER_01

Oh.

unknown

Oh.

SPEAKER_00

Talking about robots from that show from the last episode. From the episode four years ago. You asked me a question. It was, would I put my brain in a robot for a thousand years? Yeah. You remember that?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. And what'd you say?

SPEAKER_00

I said I would, but if the world died, you had to stick around for it, and you couldn't do anything afterwards until you shut off after a thousand years. And I'm like, no, no one wants to do that. You want to do that now? I'm doing it. You're doing it now. I'm doing it. So you changed your mind.

SPEAKER_01

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

So a thousand years, you'd be cool.

SPEAKER_01

I want to see it.

SPEAKER_00

What do you want to see?

SPEAKER_01

Everything.

SPEAKER_00

It's dead roll. How do you know? I'm giving you the stipulation right now. Let's say this. Okay, okay. 500 years. Okay. 500 years.

SPEAKER_01

Say you this, JJ. You do the thousand-year robot brain. When when do you think it's gonna die? 300 years?

SPEAKER_00

We call it 300. I was gonna give it five.

SPEAKER_01

300. Okay, five. So you see it die in 500, but you'd also see it re regrow.

Witches, Etsy Bans & Potion Running

SPEAKER_00

Not within a thousand years, not another 500 years. You'd see something. No, you wouldn't. How did you know? It's all dead. It's what it's got nuked, it's radiated. But stuff can't roll back logically for 10,000 years.

SPEAKER_01

There's blue dogs in the fucking radiation zone.

SPEAKER_00

Look, that was also looked up and they rolled and shit. That was that was nothing. They rolled and shit? That's been proven wrong. Okay. People think, yeah, well, I just just but stuff survived. Like it adapted. Yeah, yeah, it did. It adapted. It sure did.

SPEAKER_01

Cockroaches.

SPEAKER_00

But the way that the way that the world's getting taken out, fallout style. You'd be able to see something. You see something? You see a lot of nothing. You see something. No, dude. You don't know. I don't think you get it.

SPEAKER_01

You don't get it. I don't think you get it. All right, but if you're in a robot, can you go in the water?

SPEAKER_00

Maybe.

SPEAKER_01

You could sink. You could walk to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. See the deepest parts.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, but then you run out of battery and then you're stuck down there. So what? You're stuck down there in a suit that you can't move. You're still on for the next 500 years.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I have to like charge every night. I don't have endless battery.

SPEAKER_00

You have an endless battery to be on for a thousand years, but your body needs to solar power and there's no sun down there, so you can't really move.

SPEAKER_01

So now there's stipulations to my robot body.

SPEAKER_00

Stipulations last time we talked about this, and then you made it up. I couldn't turn myself off if the world ended. That's why we're here. That's why you're in this right now.

SPEAKER_01

Can only go down far enough, but I gotta swim back up to get more sun.

SPEAKER_00

You can't swim back up either. Too heavy. So you can get a robot.

SPEAKER_01

So I can't go in the water. Yeah. Alright, fine. I walk down in the Grand Canyon.

SPEAKER_00

And then it floods, and then you're stuck again. Floods with what? In this world, it's like 500 years in the future, there's flash floods of adester rain coming down because of all the nuclear radiation.

SPEAKER_01

But I'm a robot, it can't hurt me.

SPEAKER_00

It's not hurting you again, but again it gets flooded and then it stays that way. So now you're stuck in there again underwater and your run battery does.

SPEAKER_01

Let me ask you a question. Yeah, sure. Why do you think that we're fucking stupid robots? Like, if I'm a robot, wouldn't I have the ability to know everything? Like, hey, stay away because there's a flood coming in two hours.

SPEAKER_00

You know everything, but you don't care because you've been through everything. So you're like a laxadaisical robot because you're like, I don't give a fuck anymore. I just want to be turned off, but I can't be turned up.

SPEAKER_01

Let me tell you something, JJ. If I go, if I'm giving my brain to the robot, I'm dedicated to being a robot. There's no laxadasical days. You're not gonna be a lazy robot. What's the point? Because you already did everything.

SPEAKER_00

No, you didn't. If you did everything, you could be like, I guess I could do it again, and then you could probably do it again in a few hundred years again, and then you'd you I mean times you do everything. You're like, I had multiple families, uh I'm bored.

SPEAKER_01

What why why wouldn't you write a book?

SPEAKER_00

You would, you did multiple books that's all the best seller.

SPEAKER_01

No, no, no. I'm saying after everything's gone, yeah. You need to write the book of For the World That's Dead. History, dude. Who's gonna who's gonna be reading it? Something's gonna come of it. Where do we come from?

SPEAKER_00

So you're gonna so you're gonna leave your book on the ground, then you're the last person on the earth because you're the robot that exists after the world's dead. You're gonna write a book, you're gonna die with that book, and you're gonna write that book, and you're gonna die, and then something's gonna discover a planet or be born from it.

SPEAKER_01

Robot god, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You're a robot god, yeah. God damn.

SPEAKER_01

But with a human brain, but they'll never know that.

SPEAKER_00

They'll never know. Well, maybe they will. Maybe you could no, it would disintegrate too fast.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they would just think you're a robot god, dude. Yeah, they wouldn't even know.

SPEAKER_00

They would take your book of history and think it was just all robot people, and then people would take your words and twist them to their use. Yeah, and then and then kill and then and then use you.

SPEAKER_01

They did that to Jesus. What? No, yeah, was Jesus the first robot god?

SPEAKER_00

So in uh so wrapping up the episode from 2021, in our final thoughts, I talked about how you have a whole universe inside you living on you. And you were like, nothing's living inside me. Yeah, I'm like, Yeah, they are everything is. But we also talked about the double slit experiment, baby. Double slit experiments. We were we're quantum physics in this major. We can live in the past. I talked about we can live in the past in the future, and you can change the past by living in the future. Dou double slit. Do you remember? Do you remember that?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, dude.

SPEAKER_00

You didn't take your lessons anymore, did you?

SPEAKER_01

I don't want to see no double slits.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, you don't? Is it too much?

SPEAKER_01

You only need one slit.

SPEAKER_00

Only one? Why can't people have two?

SPEAKER_01

I mean they can. I'm anti-two slits. Terrible. I'm pro one slit.

SPEAKER_00

I don't even know what that means. I don't know what the fuck that means either. I think we're gonna go on to some stories here. I got a few more stories and then we'll fucking call it uh oh, I think I would be remiss in our episode back if we didn't talk about witches for a second. But I wanna ha I want to talk about witchers with Etsy. Do you know that Wetsy's uh witchy wit witches were Witches? Yeah, witches were uh they're bigger than Etsy. Do you know that? What do you mean? They're huge in Etsy. Like they got they got places. So here here's the title from from New York Post. A literal witch hunt. Etsy's sellers paid to curse evil exes claim they're being prosecuted by the online marketplace. If you didn't know this, Burke, witches have a marketplace on Etsy where they can sell you charms and various other goods and potions. That's a real marketplace on Etsy. This is getting cracked down on. It's happening right now is they're getting prosecuted to get off of Etsy because they're selling what in a lot of people's minds is obviously witch oil. Witch oil. If you talk to the witches involved, they're selling remedies. And people have been using their remedies to cure elements that existed. So why would you take that away from them?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it's kind of fucked up. You can go to the store and buy vitamins that haven't been FDA approved or tested. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00

A lot of people do that with penis pills.

SPEAKER_01

I'm backing the witches, dude.

Microchips, Gold Panning & Prepper Talk

SPEAKER_00

I say I'm I'm a usually witch, I'm pro-witch. Why are we not doing uh doing what? Nobody knows more about witch shit than we do. I have researched uh more than 30 seconds worth. I'm probably bordering on about three, four hours with witches. I can write a book. Do you want to?

SPEAKER_01

About witches?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, we could we could do like a nonfiction witch witch hunt. Man witch? Man witch, yes. The history of the man witch. Not the sandwich. No. In parentheses, obviously.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Just make sure people know that about it.

SPEAKER_01

This is this is about the man witch. You can't buy potions on Etsy anymore?

SPEAKER_00

I think they're in the hot debate of it, but I think it is being uh taken down right now. They're in the we're in the cusp of the civil war.

SPEAKER_01

So let's say they take it down. That means there's gonna be an underground market of witch potions.

SPEAKER_00

I think that's what it's gonna. Oh, I see where you're going with this. I did want to become a drug runner. So we become a witch. We're moving potions.

SPEAKER_01

We're moving potions, we're running potions, we're not moving moonshine, we're running potions.

SPEAKER_00

What are we doing this? What witches are we doing the witch thing for?

SPEAKER_01

I say we take the northern potions to the southern witches and then we bring back a load of the southern potions to the northern witches.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, they do have different styles.

SPEAKER_01

So then witches can mix potions and do all the stuff. Yeah, we're talking about a snowbird in the warm place and and gather southern potions in the winter, and then we'll bring Oh, so we're not running this off in it just like a a couple times during the year, then or I mean if this goes underground, these are probably high dollar things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, we were using this see now. You you want to know why I was building the tunnels. I saw this coming.

SPEAKER_01

Is that to store our potions?

SPEAKER_00

We're driving it underground so that way we can go anywhere we want. No. You know why you don't oh I'm doing it. You can, I guess you can be above ground doing your shit.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I got a way. We're gonna hide the potions in vape carts. And do what and do what look how much potion you can get in there.

SPEAKER_00

So you're are you gonna sell the potions like this, or are you just trying to be the middleman now?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. This is you you can't go to jail for transporting 10,000 nicotine pods. Unless they test for it, which they do the can't test for witches' potions. Look, if they're there's no test for witch's potions.

SPEAKER_00

They're putting this witch hunt on. This is going on right now. We're on the cusp of this giant revolt. Of course, they're gonna find a way to detect which potions. No, this is like no, it ain't gonna happen. You don't, I don't think you get it. When this stuff goes illegal, it goes illegal. They got teams hunting for this. You gotta be careful.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna pop it open and just smoke it. They're gonna be like, do you think if this was bad, witch's potion, I would score.

SPEAKER_00

They're gonna have a speeding and they're gonna have a gun that's modified to look at you and check that vapor and the stuff that you're exhaling to make sure it's now witch potion. If it comes back even like 2%, which potion, you're gonna go five years and then clank for 2%.

SPEAKER_01

Dude, I'm like prison mic. I'm not a g scared to go to prison.

SPEAKER_00

Well, yeah, of course you're not scared, you haven't been there yet. Dude, this is this is after the witch trial.

SPEAKER_01

We make 20 or 30 million dollars in witches potions. I'm out the game.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, so you're going that deep though. That's like that's at least uh two years. So what during the high times of the witch trials? Ah, I think you're right.

SPEAKER_01

With that attitude, you set us up for failure.

SPEAKER_00

No, look, I've done we've done it a few times, and I'm just like, I'm like trying to be careful because I'm seeing more black trucks, more black vans sitting in sitting in the roads.

SPEAKER_01

I bought a motorhome.

Nostalgia Games & Aging Gamers

SPEAKER_00

Of course you did. I'll loaded them up.

SPEAKER_01

Best be careful, and we hide them in taxidermy cats.

SPEAKER_00

So we're making vape cards to hide them in taxidermy cats. Yep, that's how we move them. So there is gonna be no question why they would be like, oh, why is this in here? But they shouldn't assume, right?

SPEAKER_01

They're just not gonna x-ray x-ray any of this. You're thinking about this too much. You're giving the government way too much credit.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, you want to be reckless. You see, you see dollar signs and you don't give a fuck about it. You want to be reckless.

SPEAKER_01

If I wake up tomorrow and I turn on the TV and our president said we've created a new branch of government where we're detecting witches, then we'll know it's a problem or they're listening. What's more likely? They're listening or that witches would be a problem. Oh, definitely they're listening. They're always listening. I guess I do have one question. If there's witches, why can't they just do some witch stuff to make all this go away?

SPEAKER_00

Because that's maybe not their sector, not their group that does that.

SPEAKER_01

So there ain't that ne'er one witch on Etsy that could make all this go away.

SPEAKER_00

They're not those style witches.

SPEAKER_01

What are they?

SPEAKER_00

They're the potion style witches. What it's like asking, it's like going to the college and saying, hey, can't you do this? And you're talking to like a geometry major. What's a potion style witch? They make potions and they're styled with like they style it for like what? It depends on what you're you're you're you're majored in.

SPEAKER_01

So write a man witch book. Somehow I manage.

SPEAKER_00

How it became a man witch. I've seen nothing but dollar signs for that one.

SPEAKER_01

Oh man, bestseller. You read it in every airport lounge.

SPEAKER_00

We should finish up with some final thoughts.

SPEAKER_01

Oh man. Well, we'd probably make this a Sunday thing for a while.

SPEAKER_00

You could do it for a little bit until you know.

SPEAKER_01

Gets me out of the house. Get to see the world again. Final thoughts. I don't know, man. Life's been a whirlwind. It's hard to fucking just dedicate, say, like, I'm gonna work out an hour a day. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a lot, dude, when you fucking, you know what I mean? You're balancing life. I do 23-minute workouts a day. Because there's there's at least 20 times throughout the day where I can dedicate three minutes. Start my day with three minutes on the stair stepper. Fucking hard.

SPEAKER_00

Just oh, just rocking it out.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like you put your drivers on and you're just taking your shirt off.

SPEAKER_01

And sometimes I can do like those three minutes back to back.

SPEAKER_00

It turns into six minutes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. There are other times where like it has literally been 20 three times. So like I'll do that, or I'll just for three minutes, I'm lifting the heaviest weight that I have.

SPEAKER_00

You should make that new workout this scheme that you could sell.

SPEAKER_01

On Instagram? Yeah. Should I be a new fucking fitness model on Instagram?

SPEAKER_00

You're a fitness Instagram person now. Yeah, you're an influencer.

SPEAKER_01

I better go get a spray tan. Should I go real dark?

SPEAKER_00

It only makes sense. The darker the better.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna look Moroccan.

SPEAKER_00

You do spray tans, right? No.

SPEAKER_01

Still do them. No. That's the only one time I've done it.

SPEAKER_00

I had a pretty uh existential crisis final thought moment this morning. And when we went down a rabbit hole.

SPEAKER_01

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_00

And I started with a TikTok. Sometimes it always ticks. It always starts with one.

SPEAKER_01

Always.

SPEAKER_00

It was a simple question. It was just one of those ones I asked a question and I thought about it. And it was what video game would you defend forever? Not because it aged well, but because it was there when life was simple and time felt endless. And I I came to I don't know if you ever played this, but it was on the N64. It was called Top Gear Rally. Not a lot of people played it.

SPEAKER_01

Top Gear Rally, I remember it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I went down the rabbit hole and I found a two-hour video watching gameplay with just no voiceover, just the gameplay with the soundtrack going on. And the first like five or ten minutes, you're getting the music that you don't remember, but somehow you start remembering everything. So you're hitting a nostalgic. I'm like, I'm like, oh man, that I miss this. This is so great. So he has in his sections where each section is a different season. There's a total of six seasons. So when it starts on the second season, the soundtrack and it's on repeat during the races. So nothing's different. And then I start noticing that there's only four tracks on season three. And then on by season four, the tracks are just reversed. But the music's the same. My nostalgic is actually wearing away from this because I'm realizing this isn't really fun. But I remember playing this game endlessly forever. So I'm actually getting like a little bit mad and sad at the same time. So then I go back to the TikTok and it said it's not because it aged well, but because it was there for you when you were needed it. And I was thought I thought about that. Then I was like, I'm looking at it wrong. But it made me realize that I went through a whole stage of emotions within an hour of watching this video where it was nostalgic, anger, acceptance, remembrance, and I moved on with it.

SPEAKER_01

I can tell you there's three games that stand out to me from my childhood for sure. Early childhood, like regular Nintendo, RC Pro am. Later in life, Super Nintendo, Super Mario Kart, can't be wild. Will always be fucking a classic to me. And then my teen years, Madden will always hold a special place in my heart, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Terrible sports guy.

SPEAKER_01

And just any really any sports game. I play golf every night on PlayStation. I can't help it. I play golf. I love it.

SPEAKER_00

Golf guy.

SPEAKER_01

So if anyone out there plays uh 2K25 on PlayStation and you want to get these hands, dude.

SPEAKER_00

You might find some rivals.

SPEAKER_01

Let me know.

SPEAKER_00

I wonder if they oh are you rated? Are you top rated? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What's your rate in the country?

SPEAKER_01

There's no leaderboard, which kind of sucks. What? You just you basically play ranked and then it gives you a level. Yeah. Right now I'm 935, so creeping up on a thousand. What's the it goes up? I have no idea.

SPEAKER_00

You have no idea.

SPEAKER_01

And it goes by seasons, it resets every season. Like we're in season five right now. Last season, the highest I got was 1136.

SPEAKER_00

Damn. Let me do let me do 30 seconds of research and see what the top level is in this.

SPEAKER_01

Find it. Can't find it, dude.

SPEAKER_00

Can't find it. So you're probably you're probably pro-ranked. Damn it. Someone get these hands. What's your what's your gamer title? Or you don't want to say until they just want to be a member.

SPEAKER_01

No, I'm not just blasting that out there.

SPEAKER_00

Like you gotta come find you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm not just playing because you want to play. Like if you ain't no good, like don't even come into the arena.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, you probably won't they probably won't even find you if they're no good.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's like a single. If you if you actually play the game and you're trying to get these hands, you'll show up. Get these hands.

SPEAKER_00

You'll show up.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I just wish they were like, there's just I feel like there's no video games catered to people my age.

SPEAKER_00

No. Golf games are.

Quick Fitness Wins & Sign-Off

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. It's my speed. Yeah. Like sports games in general are just my speed again. Too many buttons for the other stuff.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, too slow. Yeah, you're not amrodextrous.

SPEAKER_01

It's like, oh, I've been playing this game for three years and I haven't completed it. I'm like, I'm not trying to do all that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, dexterity is gone. Old man hands.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I need hot dog fingers. ESNES power glove, dude.

SPEAKER_00

You know what I'm talking about? That's coming VR style.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not wearing a VR.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you are.

SPEAKER_01

If they can just give me some like this, some glasses like this. That headset thing just makes me want to throw up.

SPEAKER_00

You'll see.

SPEAKER_01

I will I hope yeah. According to you, there's AI robots coming.

SPEAKER_00

Already here. What are you talking about? Anyway. Hanging up top. Hey guys, uh, we're gonna go. It was good to see you again. Talk to you. We might do it soon again. But uh until next time. Be good.