If Twelve Vultures Can Lift A Canoe, I’m Running For Governor

Two friends sprint from a Harambe tattoo to building a no-tax ghost town, stopping to argue about deer cults, rainforest ethics, and whether vultures can lift a canoe. We laugh at chaos, question human cruelty, and end with rules for four-way stops and basic hygiene.

• nostalgia versus instant access for kids
• imagined animal control and deer leadership
• do animals commit domestic violence
• Olympics hot takes and ethical lines
• rainforest discovery versus conservation trade-offs
• goat “regenerative rainforestry” and vulture math
• big game hunting ethics and Cape buffalo
• snack spirals, candy wrappers, and brain rot slang
• Florida iguanas and exotic meat jokes
• robot slurs, plants, and quicksand memories
• no-tax ghost town with a dog police chief
• therapy detours and hygiene rules of life
• four-way stop etiquette and roundabouts

If you guys want to get at us, I put the Discord link in the show notes. You can find us here: discord.gg/ygv56qM . Otherwise, good.

Transcript

Cold Open: Lighters And Harambe

SPEAKER_02 0:02

Did you did you did you did you hit the button to record the show? Did you hit the fucking button? I didn't capture that. Oh hello. Did you capture these nuts? Whoa! Right off the bat. Give me that fucking old man lighter. Would you? I need to light up this weed again. JJ's got a fucking lighter with John Wayne on one side and a tree on the other, and it says never forget. I don't know what that means.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

You know there's always one moment that you never forget, and that's what it's about.

SPEAKER_02 0:36

It's funny you say never forget because I said that to my wife earlier. So you know I got that stupid tattoo on my leg, right? Which one? Every day I'm hustling in Arabic. I'm getting a Harambi tattoo. I'm covering up the stupid tattoo on my leg with a tribute to Harambi that says never forget. And I told her, we'll never let our son forget that day.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

Have you talked to your son about that day?

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Not yet. He won't understand. You gotta start young. I know. I know. You know, I was thinking the other day. There's a lot of things that I did as a kid that my son will never get to experience. He'll never understand what it was like to beat your dick to a weird magazine that your mom got in the mail. Because he'll just always have instant boobies on his phone or his tabloot. He'll never know what it's like to beat your dick to the chubby lady in the Sears catalog because that's all you had. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 1:25

I mean, what happens when you go somewhere where there's no internet though? That where is that? A fucking cave? He could be taking an He could take a trip to caves.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

No, we're not going on no cave trips. You can relate, right? You lived a period of your life without internet, didn't you?

SPEAKER_03 1:40

No, never. Fuck you, dude. Let's talk about this hamburger tattoo, though. Hamburger? Yeah, I think you're hard by you should be eating a hamburger.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

No. Why not? No, it's gonna be tastefully done. That's satirical. No.

unknown 1:57

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

There's nothing tasteful about this. You don't under how do you not know that? Not know what? This is very this is a tribute to one of the best gorillas in the world ever. How about that? You didn't know them. I know all the animals. I got a connection that you just wouldn't understand, dude. I feel like I could control more animals than I could people. After this podcast, let's go walk out there and let's go find a deer, dude. You're gonna go find a deer and try to talk to it. I don't need to talk to it. All right, you just gotta look at it, right?

SPEAKER_03 2:25

I talk to a third. Yeah, yeah. You just look at it and just be like, come hither.

SPEAKER_02 2:30

I'll tell it to sit down.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

I bet it does it.

SPEAKER_02 2:33

It does. It would do it. Would that make you a believer in my animal abilities?

SPEAKER_03 2:38

I would make it a little bit. I don't want to have to agree, but I would. I don't want to do it though. Sometimes in life we gotta do things that we don't like to do. Yeah, sleeping is believing. I might want you to do it more than once then. Done. Yeah, I had to make a whole field of deer sit down.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

What if you just woke up one morning and I was standing in your driveway in my underwear, but I had like a hundred deer around? Would that make you a believer?

SPEAKER_03 3:02

It'd make me think a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

This is my personal help. That'd be kind of a creepy way to wake up, wouldn't it? Just me in the driveway and my underwear, just surrounded by a hundred deer, all of them snorting too, like angrily.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

They're just stomping. And you're just like blank staring. You're not the you're not even there. Controlling a hundred deeds.

Kids, Internet, And Awkward Nostalgia

SPEAKER_02 3:24

You're like, Berg, what are you doing? And I'm like just fucking staring straight ahead on this. You just walk off. I start snorting like the deer, too. Yeah. And then yeah, and then we walk off. No words. Yeah. Would that make you a believer?

SPEAKER_03 3:35

It make him I make him wonder.

SPEAKER_02 3:37

That's a fucking nightmare.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Like, where's where's God in this situation?

SPEAKER_02 3:40

Take note, everyone. You fuck with me, I'm showing up with a hundred deer, dude, in my underwear. We ain't saying nothing. You don't want to get trampled by a hundred deer. That ain't no way to go out. Because deer are the animal I despise the most. But maybe they just need a leader. Come tell me to understand it. I'm a leader of the deer people. That's a way to start a show right there. I'm now the leader of the deer people. Fuck you. You're scared now, dude. Look at you. You don't even know what to say.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

I'm intimidated.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

You don't even know what to say.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

That definitely proves one point though.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

What's that?

SPEAKER_03 4:09

That domestic violence in animals is a real thing. You asked that question to me the other day.

SPEAKER_02 4:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:14

Why didn't you uh highlight yourself out of the key points like fucked arguments?

SPEAKER_02 4:21

It wasn't an argument. I was just like, I was just thinking like, because we're animals and we do domestic violence. Not us, people in general do. And then I was sitting in my basement on the couch, and I have a big window and I could see the trees, and I was watching these squirrels fight. But I don't know if they were fighting or if they were playing, and I was just like, I wonder if a boy squirrel ever beats up a girl squirrel. Or do they always just fight the other guy squirrels and they're nice to the lady squirrel? I don't trust them at all.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

They're just plotting.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

Because I don't think I've ever seen, like, I watch a lot of gorilla videos, not because I like harambi, but because I like gorillas. I can't ever recall like a big male gorilla beating the shit out of a lady gorilla, but it beat the shit out of another gri guy gorilla. So if no other animal does domestic violence, does that make us the worst animal? Oh, absolutely. I think such a given though. I mean, yeah, I kind of already knew the answer to that, but what's it called when you gotta get your those your papers certified? Notarized? Yeah, nothing. Memorized. Yeah, just notarized it right there.

SPEAKER_03 5:22

You're the worst person ever.

SPEAKER_02 5:24

Not me. Fuck you, bitch. You better smoke him.

SPEAKER_03 5:27

What are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 5:29

I just watched JJ grab for the mouse of his computer like he had fucking Parkinson's disease.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

A little shaky right now. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

Well, you need to smoke some more. I'm working on it. He's got fucking three half-lit joints over there. That one's gone. Don't you even try to light that, dude. That's gone. You got two full-size joints right there, and you're gonna try to burn your burn your fingers off. Jesus. You can't even light it. Put it down. Light the lighty lunar. Hey, you watch any of the Olympics?

SPEAKER_03 6:03

No, I don't I don't believe in watching the Olympics. Just for myself, though. I don't believe it.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

Winter, summer, you don't like any of it?

SPEAKER_03 6:11

I'm just a no-go on the Olympic front.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

So I've been watching some of it. Like some of it I find entertaining. I like the bobsled and the luge and the skeleton. I like those. And I don't mind the snowboarding, but I'm gonna say something controversial. It'd be way more fun to watch if they all had Down syndrome. Oh god.

SPEAKER_03 6:32

I knew it.

Animal Control Superpowers And Deer Cults

SPEAKER_02 6:33

I don't know why, dude. It's just one of those bad thoughts that I had where I'm like, could you imagine a big Down syndrome kid with a John Cena t-shirt on a luge? See, you're smiling. You don't want to laugh. I know. I get it, dude. I'm saying what everyone is thinking, though. It'd be way more entertaining. Even if he falls off, he's still gonna have a good time. And then it led me to think, how many gold medals do you think you could win at the Special Olympics? No training. Like you just walk out there tomorrow. Do you think you could win any gold medals? Ah, Burk, yes, of course I would win multitudes of them. See, that's what I thought too. My wife said, No way. She was like, even though they may have a disability, they're trained. It's just one of those things I think about sometimes. What else are you doing? What are you doing over there?

SPEAKER_03 7:25

Are you broken? I broke a little bit. I'm broken. Trying to think of a way. A way what? A way to bring it home. Bring it back.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

There is no way.

SPEAKER_03 7:40

I know. It's just stuck out in orbit like I usually am. Just fuck floating there, trying to fucking find a way to make it. Seemed unprovoked way back home. I usually can't though.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

Mm-mm. Would you sacrifice a thousand acres of rainforest just to see if there's like a city under there?

SPEAKER_03 7:57

Just to see if there's one?

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Without the idea that there's maybe nothing there? I mean, I need a little bit of evidence.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Well, because I watched a video the day, like there's so much of it that's unexplored, and many people have gone in there and not come back out. Recently they did that LIDAR scan, and it looked like there was roads and like towers and pyramids. Like, would it be worth sacrificing a thousand acres to see?

SPEAKER_03 8:21

Hell no. No, I'm gonna say no.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

No?

SPEAKER_03 8:23

No, no, you already sacrificed enough.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

But what if all what if the answers are under there?

SPEAKER_03 8:28

There's always answers somewhere. You guys just gotta find them. There's answers to everything. Oh my god, it's in the this rainforest. I gotta dig up. I can't wait. Maybe there's just a building down there with a giant calendar that's gonna tell you something. Yeah. What if we just send the goats in there? Send the goats? Clean up the forest. Eat it. Eat it. Yeah. Let's start that business and then we can farm them down there. Ship them down there.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

That's gonna be our future rainforest goats.

SPEAKER_03 8:56

We got some hungry goats, and you guys got some clearing that needs to be done, and we're not destroying the environment. We're just letting them go at it.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

And then they will poo-poo, and then more stuff will go. And then farmland.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

You got the farmland there. It's called Regenerative Rainforestry. Say that. Regenerative rainforestry. All right. I can do it. I feel like you need to add one more R in there though. So it needs to be triple R.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

Reconnaissance.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

So what is it?

SPEAKER_02 9:24

What was it? Regenerative, regenerative rainforestry. Reconnaissance. What if we found a ship in there?

SPEAKER_03 9:32

You found a ship. How are you gonna get the ship out of there with your goats? We had to get some horses. Oh, now we gotta expand it. Yeah, drag it out. With horses. I don't know why. Why can't you airlift it?

SPEAKER_02 9:47

You know, we could just use machinery. Probably be way faster.

SPEAKER_03 9:51

No, we need to keep it like if we airlift it, it needs to be with birds.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Because we gotta do everything by animals. How many birds would it take to lift a ship? Large vultures. Ask J Braham.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Oh how many give me a second? Let me get in here. Burke wants to know how many vultures would it take to pick up a ship?

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Ah, gotcha. Okay, so if we're being ridiculous here, it kind of depends on the size. But I guess like at least a dozen vultures before they can even get it off the ground.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

I mean, a dozen vultures, you think it's even possible though, Jay? I mean, that seems like a low number, man, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Fair point. Yeah, honestly, if we're talking serious scale, it might take a lot more, like maybe a whole flock. We might need to look up some actual vulture stats.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

We stomped the AR. He don't even know. Twelve he said 12 vultures.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

12 vultures, yeah. To pick up a ship? Yeah. It just depends on the ship size. I mean, he if he was thinking you didn't really like dictate if it's a big or small ship. Like if you think a rowboat, I think 12 vultures could do a small boat.

SPEAKER_02 10:45

You think 12 vultures could all right. Let's how many vultures to pick up a canoe? Small ships. Sounds like our chatbot needs to be fired because he's dumb as shit. Ask him how many vultures would it take to pick up a canoe? If he can't answer that, he's fired.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

Hey, uh, Jabraham, how many vultures would it take to pick up a canoe? And you gotta be specific.

SPEAKER_01 11:03

So a typical canoe might weigh around 70 pounds. Now a vulture can carry roughly one to two pounds, maybe a bit more if it's a big one. So you're talking like at least 35 to 40 vultures, and that's a stretch. So yeah, it's a whole damn slot.

SPEAKER_03 11:16

See, now he's getting somewhere. He fucking told you it was up. He answered your call and then boom. So there we go. 40 vultures to pick up a canoe. Oh, thank you, Jabram. So now we know the answers. Vultures are weak as shit, dude. You know who's not weak? Cape Buffalo. You know how scary a Cape Buffalo is? A who? Cape Buffalo. A cave? African Cape Buffalo. Cape. It's a Cape Buffalo.

SPEAKER_02 11:40

That's the muscular one, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:41

It's the one with big horns out the side and big muscular and it terrifies people.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Yeah. What's it do? It just kills people. What's it here for? What's its purpose?

SPEAKER_03 11:49

To be a buffalo. Why don't we just kill it? We do kill it. Sometimes that's what this article is about. Texas big game hunter killed while trying to hunt this buffalo down. The buffalo killed him? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

How do you have a gun and get killed by a buffalo? It's uh You're the worst hunter ever. What a yummy.

SPEAKER_03 12:05

I no no remorse for uh big game hunters, I'll be honest. Uh go hunting for stuff that can kill you and you get killed, and no remorse.

SPEAKER_02 12:13

Congratulations. Yeah. You played the game.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

Yeah. You won. You lost, but you won.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

You want to play the game. So I have a real dislike. Not for hunters in general, just animals that you don't need to hunt.

SPEAKER_02 12:27

Yeah, if you're not gonna eat it, you shouldn't hunt it.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

If you have to spend$10,000 to hunt it, I feel like that's stupid.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

Stupid.

SPEAKER_03 12:35

You're stupid.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

I can think of at least$5,000 other things I would do with$10,000 before killing an animal with it came on my radar. Is there any animal that you would kill?

SPEAKER_03 12:48

Uh if it hurt my family, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:51

Calm down, Liam Neeson. Look, if it showed up. But you just don't have a hatred for an animal that you're just like, man, fuck that animal. I'd shoot it. No, bro. No, they're all cool in my book. Maybe snake. Like if you paid me$10,000 to kill a big snake, I'd probably get behind that. Because fuck snakes. Or a big spider.

SPEAKER_03 13:08

Yeah, yeah. Get the flame torch.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:12

Until the flame torch gets you. What? It's it's animated. What? It's like a gun that you hold, but it talks to you, but it's animated. The flame torch. Has its own personality.

SPEAKER_02 13:24

Dude, what are you fucking? What did you smoke? I don't think we smoke the same thing.

SPEAKER_03 13:31

So anyway, we don't like big game hunters.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

So yeah, good job, Buffalo.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Should I get that a picture tattooed on my body of that buffalo?

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

Yeah. I call you Big Buffalo too.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

I'm sure people would get behind that. Certain people.

SPEAKER_02 13:46

Yeah. Not everyone. Not everyone. What kind of cereal are you eating these days? Oh, nice. Protein Cheerios. Jesus fucking Christ.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

It just comes in big boxes at Sam's Club. I mean, you just go with it. Sometimes cinnamon toast crunch. I tell you what.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

If you're feeling froggy, tell you what, I'm on right now. There's two snacks that I can't get enough of, JJ. Apple jacks and bugles. You're a bugle guy. You put them on your fingers like a bugle man? They don't make them that big anymore.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

No, don't tell me that.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

Nacho cheese bugles. I got a bag of day habit right now.

SPEAKER_03 14:19

That's not good.

SPEAKER_02 14:20

I know it's not good, but a lot of sodium there.

unknown 14:22

Listen.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

So your agent asked if you consume any fucking restricted veins. How about you get with it?

SPEAKER_02 14:29

I can't dude. I don't know why. When I open the bag, I can't stop. When's the last time you had some bugles?

SPEAKER_03 14:36

It's been about a decade.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Yeah, same for me. And then 60 days ago, I broke the fucking seal. And now, like, the thought of eating another potato chip disgusts me. All I want is bugles. Trying to dig deep in the memory vault for things that I did as a kid to share with my kid. I remembered bugles.

Weed, Wobble, And Olympic Hot Takes

SPEAKER_03 14:55

Dude, you're getting too nostalgic for this. You got reeled back in. You're getting lost in your stuff. I'm just saying, I started seeing stuff through rose-colored glasses.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

I saw I thought of bugles, and I'm like, I haven't had bugles in ages. Wow. But then I'm like, I want some old school candy. You can't get it anymore.

SPEAKER_03 15:11

It doesn't exist. Remember Boston Baked Beans? What? No. We're talking about candy. These are candy. Boston baked beans. From where? I don't know. I mean, I They came in a box. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

They were called Boston Baked Beans.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

I've never had a box of beans before.

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Hmm. Remember those cinnamon red hot chewies?

SPEAKER_03 15:31

I do remember those though.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Fan of those. And I just, there's a lot of candies now that I think about eating, but I won't, like Starburst. Why not? That's a tragic. If the candy. If I gotta open the bag and then open a wrapper, I ain't doing that anymore. I want my candy easily accessible. What's with all the wrappers? Just put them in a fucking bag.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

It's a quality control issue.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

No, put it in a bag. Knock a quarter off the price. I don't need all the wrappings. That's why I like Skittles, but I'm over Skittles right now. Oh, now you're over Skittles.

SPEAKER_03 16:06

Where are all these changes coming from?

SPEAKER_02 16:07

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

You had a kid and all of a sudden. I'm a bugles guy. I like these. I hate these. You're a different person. You're telling me. Yeah, no, you switch bodies. You're telling me. Goddamn alien. Fucking knew it. Fucking knew everything shifted. It shifted about a week ago. Fucking about a week ago. Week ago. And uh here's a shift in my reality is when a well-established platform like Oxford Dictionary accepts new words of the year like this. In the dictionary. Into the dictionary, yeah. As of 2025. No cap? It's called Brain Rot. Welcome to what our show is. And I'm just uh I'm thinking about low quality of the content. I mean, our our quality is high content. I can't I can't tell you what it's high quality. So what do you think about high content, high quality, brain rot? I mean, sure. That's yeah. Would that look like to you? What do you mean? You have to accept it, okay. Aren't we doing it? Kind of, but wouldn't that mean I've accepted it? I don't know. I need you to expand upon it though.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

How can you expand upon something that you're already doing? Exactly. Isn't that always the question? Maybe you don't. Maybe it can't be done, and you're searching for something that ain't there.

SPEAKER_03 17:19

How long are you gonna search for?

SPEAKER_02 17:20

Till you die? Oh, goddamn. And then your ghost keeps searching. What's the words in the dictionary going? Was it? You said new words is going. The brain rot was the words. Oh, so they added a phrase?

SPEAKER_03 17:32

You made it sound like there's a bunch of rage bait has been named by Oxford University Press as this words of the year. That's another word I've heard way too much.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

But you use it all the time. I don't. I might rage bait you, but I don't use the phrase.

SPEAKER_03 17:47

Yeah, you're rage baiting gaslighter.

SPEAKER_02 17:49

Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that. You can accept that. Isn't that the whole point of the show?

SPEAKER_03 17:55

To rage bait and gaslight each other? Yeah, we yeah. I mean, I thought that's what we did for years. Oh, I guess I'm just realizing what's happening. What reality were you living in? I like I said, a different one.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

Obviously, now I'm in a different one.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Now you are we crossing channels? How the turn tables did you know about uh the artillery shell up a guy's ass?

SPEAKER_02 18:19

An artillery shell up a guy's ass.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

Yeah, so uh according to this news article from the New York Post, hospital evacuated after an eight-inch WWI artillery shell discovered in a patient's butt.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

You mean World War I? WWI! I've never heard anyone call World War I WWI! Oh god. Would that be the Wa Wee war?

SPEAKER_03 18:56

Hey J. Braham, what do you think of the WWI war?

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Exactly. Yeah, it sounds absurd, but when you break it down like that, it really puts the skate in perspective. So yeah, it'd be a serious squad of vultures.

SPEAKER_02 19:09

What the fuck is he talking about? He's still talking about vultures. He ain't even listening.

SPEAKER_03 19:18

Damn it, Jay for Hampshire. Michelle's Michelle's in buttholes. The guy just walked in. He was feeling some pain. If you take a pic and they have a picture of it, it's against the it's eight inches. Why did he put it up there? And it was it turned out it wasn't live, but you know, they had to have they had to clear out the hospital. They didn't go into execs. Pretty sure it's probably a sexual uh favor thing, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

It's like have you ever thought about putting a bullet up your ass?

SPEAKER_03 19:49

No, not once.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

All right, good. All right, at least we're on the same page.

SPEAKER_03 19:55

My ammunitions. Why, why don't we?

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Could you imagine like me and you were going on a like a trip somewhere, and we go to the airport and I set the fucking metal detector off, and they're like, sir, you have bullets in your ass.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

And you would just be like, How'd those get there?

SPEAKER_02 20:15

I wouldn't put nine millimeter shells in my butt. Those are tiny, let alone an eight-inch artillery shell. That's like sitting on a Red Bull.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

It's even bigger than that.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

Straight up in there. Like, wonder what would have happened had it gone off. How big of a boom.

Rainforests, Lidar, And Goat Solutions

SPEAKER_03 20:29

A WWI shell car called somebody.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Yeah, dude. Those WWI shells packed a punch. Back then they didn't have any regulations on them. So the Wa Wee War. I remember in history class them telling us about the artillery shells and the Wa Wee War were really bad. I'm never referring it to it as World War I again. And if someone says World War II, I'm like, nah, dude, that's the Wa Wee War, dude.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

What would you call the next one? Wa wee. What do you know about Florida, man? There's a lot. Did you know about iguanas as of late in Florida?

SPEAKER_02 21:05

They froze.

SPEAKER_03 21:06

Yeah. You know what they're turning them into? Pizza? Popsickles, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

I said pizza and you shook your head yes and said popsicles.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

So just food in general is what I'm kind of the vibe going with.

SPEAKER_02 21:21

No, I saw an actual pizza place was making iguana pizzas. Iguana pizzas.

SPEAKER_03 21:26

They call chicken of the trees. Would you eat an iguana? If I had to? If I was like a business person and I had to like treat the international client and be like, oh god, I gotta do this to make the make the sale, make the agreement, I'll do it.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

So you said it was the chicken of the tree. So let's say hypothetically you ate some and it was like better than the best chicken you've ever had.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

Then I'm a gu iguana killer.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

Then you're eating iguana.

SPEAKER_03 21:50

I guess I'm killing them, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

I could get behind that.

SPEAKER_03 21:53

I would have to pay a butcher because I don't know if I can butcher that many. That's just a lot of iguanas to go through.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Or another animal that costs. A lot of problems in Florida is the parakeet. I didn't know this till the other day. Parakeet. They build like huge nests, like in the power power grids and shit.

SPEAKER_03 22:09

Oh, yeah, no, yeah. They shoot 'em. They shoot 'em. They actually take 'em out. Mm-hmm. They don't just shoot the nest.

SPEAKER_02 22:15

They're an evasive species.

SPEAKER_03 22:17

Like, you know who's evasive? Fucking humans. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dangerous creature. Killing other creatures going, hey, you're evasive. Someone murder you.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

That's true. That's a good point. It's like government. Thinking about just not filing my taxes this year. Me too.

SPEAKER_03 22:31

Me too. I don't know. They can't get us all.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

Worst cases are like, hey, you gotta pay your taxes and then a penalty. Like, yeah. Cool. Great.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

What's gonna happen? What are you gonna do? What I gotta do. I'm also gonna I could be living here in the country in a few years. Who knows?

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Oh, for real? I'm out, bro. You're gonna be Canadian now?

SPEAKER_03 22:47

I don't know. I'm gonna go further south. Tropical bunker. I'm telling you. Cocaina? Cocaina. Cocaina runner. Start playing these games. Gotta get with it now.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

What do you think about that Olympic dude that got arrested? That kingpin dude. I didn't know about this. What is this? Yeah, I think his name is Ryan Wedding.

SPEAKER_03 23:03

Ryan Wedding.

SPEAKER_02 23:04

He was one of the top 10 FBI most wanted, dude. He was a Olympic skier for America, and he became one of the biggest Colombian drug lords. They just arrested him right three weeks ago. They arrested him, I think, somewhere in South America. He owns one of the rarest, most expensive cars ever made by Mercedes.

SPEAKER_03 23:24

What's it called?

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Um dude, I think I don't know, dude. Phantom menace. It's the it's like a hypercar. It's like a$10 million car. Yeah. He would never be able to afford that off a skier salary. I don't know what a skier makes, but I don't think it's enough to buy a$10 million car. What if you're like chasing him and he just busts out the skis and you're like, we're not catching him.

SPEAKER_03 23:45

Bust out the skis? Yeah. He just pulls him out of that.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

What a gangster way to get away from like especially if you can just like hop into him. The law, dude. Like you just ski away.

SPEAKER_03 23:54

That's fucking that's I feel like if he's that rich, he has him built into his boots. So he does like an inspector gadget style.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

Yeah, he's just a butt and he's just like, I'm out of here, bitch. Yeah, with rockets on him. You gonna be him? I could be.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

Why not? I guess. I don't want yes.

SPEAKER_02 24:09

You just lit you just flicked your fire out. Fuck boy. Could we open, could we move to South America in an open American restaurant?

SPEAKER_03 24:19

Yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

It'd be cheap because you can get them from the training. What other American treats would we sell in our American hot dogs? That's the American staple, right?

SPEAKER_03 24:29

Yeah, you can make whatever you want out of the hot dogs, too.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah, an iguana dog. Iguana dog. An iguana burger? Pure capital. Wow, dude. Where can you buy iguana meat? You don't have to. What do you mean you don't have to?

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Just go down there right now and you collect them.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

And I don't know what to do with them. You store them. In the freezer?

SPEAKER_03 24:46

Big freezer.

SPEAKER_02 24:46

Nah, man. I don't want to open my freezer every day and just see dead.

SPEAKER_03 24:50

Get yourself a new freezer. A walk-in chest freezer. That's just a rent it from Walmart.

SPEAKER_02 24:54

That's not a good look, man.

SPEAKER_03 24:55

Rent them, rent a spot in Walmart. They usually let you like a little cubby hole they don't usually have in the big freezer, so they don't care about you using it. I've done it before. So store stuff.

SPEAKER_02 25:04

Imagine like a family member dies and you gotta go clean out their house and you get to the freezer and you pop it open and there's fucking 300 dead iguanas in there.

SPEAKER_03 25:13

I wouldn't be surprised.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

That'd be just music.

SPEAKER_03 25:15

I would be like, this makes sense for me.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

Ask Jabraham where we can buy iguana meat. He's just open mouth staring at his phone right now.

SPEAKER_03 25:24

Why was I asking a guy? Where can we buy iguana meat, you fucking fuck? Hey Jabraham, Burke is yelling at me. Where can you buy iguana meat at?

SPEAKER_01 25:33

Burke, chill out. JJ's just riffing, and we're all here for fun, not to get on each other. And as for iguanas, I'd say check with a licensed exotic pet shop. Just make sure they're reputable because you want to do it right.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

Man, he's trying to get us to buy live iguanas and then eat them. Jabraham is a bit of an enthusiast for exotic meats. He wants to watch the killing part of that fucking weirdo.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

Yeah, he's not right sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 25:56

You gotta watch out for those eight robots.

Vultures, Canoes, And Cape Buffalo

SPEAKER_03 25:58

But that's what happens when you listen to us and you have to be like us, like Jabraham is.

SPEAKER_02 26:03

Do you think in the future there'll be a racist term for robots? I think bot is bot will just be like the slang. You call someone a bot. Oh, which is a racist term. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:17

It's frowned upon now, but like in the future when there's actual walking robots.

SPEAKER_03 26:22

Yeah, it would be uh so people would be a cyborg, right? Because it'd be like a mixture of metal. You'd be a bot, so you would be uh you'd be cyborg, and then they would change that down to be a cycle, so you'd be like a cybch. It's one of those cybches over there. This is a cyborg, you know. So it's cybch. That's that's how it goes, Burke, in the future. People are just rude. Cyborgs are real people too, right? They're just modded, chipped.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

Like you're gonna be. I'm trying to get that. What are you scrolling?

SPEAKER_03 26:50

I don't know yet.

SPEAKER_02 26:53

What the fuck? I lost. You better just fucking figure it out.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

Why do you last thing you had was buffaloes? I know, but I got shut the fuck off. You don't know what things I had and didn't have. I got shower thoughts. I got shower thoughts about plants. You know plants?

SPEAKER_02 27:08

Yeah, I know plants. I don't have any, but you don't have any? Not indoor plants. I got outdoor plants.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

Oh, so you're a plantist.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

I just like things to be outside and things to be inside. And plants aren't something that I want inside. Oh then you got dirt. Then you gotta water it. I ain't got no time.

SPEAKER_03 27:25

When they come for you, I won't be surprised. The plants? Yeah. It's like the happening, just better.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

What's the happening?

SPEAKER_03 27:31

You ever seen the happening? Plants were killing everybody? M Night Shyamalan?

SPEAKER_02 27:35

Uh I don't think so. Oh. Well synopsis. Is that the one with the glowing like thing in the pool? Like the teeth flower? The flower? I remember there was like Jumanji. No, no, no. There's like a poisonous flower and a swimming pool. Definitely Jumanji. Nope. Nope. I've never seen Jumanji.

SPEAKER_03 27:55

You haven't seen what the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 27:58

I saw the Kevin Hart one. Oh. I know. Disgrace. I know. I know. You better find a savior.

SPEAKER_03 28:06

Start praying.

SPEAKER_02 28:07

What movie am I thinking about with the flower in the swim empty swimming pool?

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Oh, you know what? Just one last time. I'm gonna call on him. He ain't gonna know. He might say something about it. He don't know shit. He might say something about vultures. Hey J. Braham, is there a movie that you can recall that has a giant glowing flower in a pool? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

That sounds a bit like the one from Attack of the Clones, actually. There's a scene on the boo with those big blowing water flowers. I think that's the vibe you might be talking about.

SPEAKER_03 28:34

Yeah, he gave you something. I don't know. Is it Attack on Titan? I don't know what that is. Maybe.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Maybe that glowing flower has some symbolic meaning in my life.

SPEAKER_03 28:44

It could be unfolding. Unfurling. Unfurling.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

You know what? Speaking of plants, there is one plant that kind of fascinates me that I'd like to see in action, not on like a video, and that's like the Venus flytrap.

SPEAKER_03 28:56

You want to see an act like in real life?

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

Make sure it's real. Why don't you get one? They're cheap. No. They're usually around. No, they're not. They're usually around. Never seen one. Never seen one. Nope. They're sometimes at big shopping centers.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Nope, never seen one. Incredible. Incredible.

SPEAKER_03 29:11

Outstanding. Well, they exist, I think.

SPEAKER_02 29:14

I've seen a Venus flytrap about as many times as if I experienced quicksand. Never. Oh, I've experienced quicksand. No, you have never been. I've been stuck in quicksand. No, no. Nobody's nobody that you know or we know has ever experienced quicksand.

SPEAKER_03 29:29

I have tried to get out of quicksand. Got stuck. Nope. I don't know. Where was this quicksand? It was out in the country. Let's go see it. You can't.

SPEAKER_02 29:41

It's a shopping mall now. Oh. So they built the shopping mall on top of quicksand. Yeah, that's gonna end up.

SPEAKER_03 29:47

That's how that's how they found all the treasures. How do you dispose of quicksand? You put cement in it. And then you kind of just bring it up. Put cement in it and bring it up.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

It's engineering. I don't know if you'd understand that.

SPEAKER_02 29:58

You know what's awesome about this podcast is it kind of reminds me of the government because we just say things and we're just like, yeah, that's real, and we just move on. You don't understand. It's what we do.

SPEAKER_03 30:09

What I'm in the government.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

I disagree. You would be in the government. As fucked up as things, let's just run for governor. Oh, governor. As a as a pair. As a pair.

SPEAKER_03 30:19

Start our babble governors.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:21

Governates. We're gonna governates. Governate this land. Who are we gonna do with that though?

SPEAKER_02 30:25

Volta in America? Vote for jerk. It'd be spelled J J U R K-E. We gotta come combine the two names.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Oh Jujirk.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

Jajirk. Jajerk. Vote Jujirk. We won't jerk you around. No, we're we're independent party. And see what I did there?

SPEAKER_03 30:41

Yeah, I like it. It's the slogan. Fuck those taxes. Slap it. You slap. Yeah, we're not doing taxes anymore. We're not repairing shit. You fix it. You live in this town, you fix it. Everybody has a job. Yeah. No. You're on road commission.

SPEAKER_02 30:55

You don't want to pay taxes? Cool. Better get out there and fix them right now.

SPEAKER_03 30:58

I'll be out there too.

Hunters, Ethics, And Snack Spiral

SPEAKER_02 30:59

Yep. That would be kind of cool to see if you could have a community where everyone's just like, listen. Chipping in. Everyone's got a mow. Everyone's got to fucking clean up the roads, but there's no taxes. Let's buy a ghost, let's buy one of those ghost towns.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

We've been talking about that for ages.

SPEAKER_02 31:15

Small test, hundred people. 100 people in a ghost town, no taxes. Everyone chips in. And if you don't chip in, we deport you. Straight off. We just drive them out of town and drop them off. You don't chip in in our town, the heat shows up and drives you right out of town, dude.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

Ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02 31:32

God damn it. Hey Joe, you better clean those leaves up. You got 72 hours, or the heat's coming, buddy. And the heat comes in the middle of the night and gets Joe out of his bed, throws him in the van and drives him straight out of town, dude. What a terrible show. No one's gonna be out of. I feel like families would move there that have terrible kids just so we would heat their kids right out of town. Once you hit 12, you can be heated. Terrible. You're not doing your laundry or your homework. Figure it out. And guess who the chief of police is? A dog. A goddamn dog. You've act up, he bites you right on the ass, dude. Does he have a crew or is it just him? We only need one for a hundred. That's true. That's true. It's a big dog. It's a big dog. Yeah. Wolf hound. Stands about 6'3. He's wearing a tie and a badge. He's got a gun. He just forgot. He's got a gun.

SPEAKER_03 32:20

He don't want to use it, but he will. He's only used it once before. Had to go to therapy for it, but he's back.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

Speaking of therapy, I stumped my therapist last week. What was your therapist trying to do? You know how old Burke is. He'll tell you a lot without telling you nothing. Yeah, he'd tell you a lot of bullshit. Yeah. And you know, he's digging around. He's trying to dig for some thoughts. And I drop some I dropped some shit on him, and he just looked at me for like 30 seconds blankly. And he's just like, every week I find something out about you that just totally flips what I was thinking the week before. And I'm like, I've only given you about 15%, buddy. Fucking buckle up.

SPEAKER_03 32:58

Ah, I feel bad for your therapist.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

Like I'm sure he has to go to therapy after fucking talking to me.

SPEAKER_03 33:03

Could you imagine that as a job? Talk to a bunch of you all day.

SPEAKER_02 33:06

What's crazy though, dude, is like, because obviously he can't tell me because of HIPAA, like about other people, but he was just like, you're way more calm and chill than a lot of the other people I see, which made me think, like, who are you talking to? As I'm leaving, I always pass the next guy coming in, and like, as once I walk past him, I count to three, and then I turn around to make sure he's still walking that direction. If I had to give him a profile, looks like he might have killed someone that he worked with at Little Caesar's Pizza. No. And then like stuff them in a dumpster. Like, he kind of gives me that vibe. Dark vibe? Yeah. It's not good. Well, not good. Hopefully, therapy solves that. Big guy. Small jacket. Pizza does that. Big guy, small jacket. Kind of tells you everything you need to know. Big guy, neck beard, oily hair. He definitely killed someone behind a little Caesars. Jeez, man.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

You're a detective now. You're uh what's those people called? Pro profiler. You're profiling now.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

That'd be my best job.

SPEAKER_03 34:05

Drawing faces.

SPEAKER_02 34:06

Mm-hmm. Guys, if you're not gonna wash the rest of your body, shave your neck and wash your hair. If I could give every guy in America two tidbits of advice.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

Wash that head, wash that face. Yeah. Dirty face.

SPEAKER_02 34:22

I mean, hopefully, if you don't wash your face, enough soap from your hair will get on your face to at least do something. But dude, the worst to me is when you see a guy like me that's bald, but then you see like fucking six-inch long hairs on the bottom of where his neck and his shoulder meet meet. Yeah, that's what you want. You want carpet.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

Like, bro, just hit that fucking clipper like two more inches. You keep that. You want that back hair? When the world gold's cold, you want to big white. We'd be well insulated. I don't want my armpit hair.

SPEAKER_02 34:57

I wish I could laser it off when I don't have a laser.

SPEAKER_03 35:00

You can make one yourself.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

You think I could team a laser hair removal?

SPEAKER_03 35:04

I think you can. I think there's one here. You have one here? Yeah, I got a laser too. It's red. It definitely works too. It worked on my face. So you'll like it. Gives you a little zap. Brings out the energy in you, you know. Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

But I'm trying to get rid of hair energy.

SPEAKER_03 35:25

I think you should try it.

SPEAKER_02 35:26

No. No. If you're this excited for me to try it, I definitely ain't doing it. I think you'll like it. No. Yeah. I don't know what kind of weird stuff you got going on over here in this cabin in the woods.

SPEAKER_03 35:37

We'll be astounding.

SPEAKER_02 35:39

I knew this was gonna come a day. Well, the day has comeeth. How do you live in the woods, but I ain't seen no animals out in those trees?

SPEAKER_03 35:46

You're just not looking.

SPEAKER_02 35:47

Oh, I'm looking. I've been looking this whole time.

SPEAKER_03 35:49

How many minutes are we at? Like an hour? You're not you're not looking good enough.

SPEAKER_02 35:53

I can see at least 30 trees and I ain't seen not near one animal. Uh-uh.

Candy Wrappers, Slang, And Brain Rot

SPEAKER_03 36:00

Don't you have like 2011 vision?

SPEAKER_02 36:02

Yeah, that means I see in the past and the future.

SPEAKER_03 36:05

You just can't see the now. That's why you can't see animals.

SPEAKER_02 36:08

I can see those deer. And you're gonna see them too, bitch, in the driveway in the morning. Fucking deer. I'm gonna have them stomp all over your car. Oh, bastard deer. They're gonna hit your car. No, they're not. You're not gonna hit them.

SPEAKER_03 36:20

I'm coming after you.

SPEAKER_02 36:21

Nah, dude.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

I ain't dealing with no deer people. I'm going to the government. They're gonna shut it down. They're gonna shut it down before I even get started. Damn, dude. Man, we better finish this up then. I don't know how long you're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

Yeah, we better finish it up because you've referenced that you're part pro-government like three times. You've said you're government now, dude. Or play both sides. What are you doing with my information? And now you know I want to start a ghost town that's tax-free, and you're gonna fucking send me to jail, you fucking I ain't going to jail.

SPEAKER_03 36:50

I mean, no one's going to jail unless I get paid. So hey, some final thoughts. Well, what are you doing? There's one thing I want to talk about that's really I'm really impassioned by. It's the knowledge of a four-way stop. When I'm driving.

SPEAKER_02 37:03

I gotta go through a lot of those coming over here and a roundabout.

SPEAKER_03 37:07

And there's certain situations where I just don't think people understand how one works. But I need you guys to look up how four-way stops work. I'm not talking to everyone, just the one percent that don't.

SPEAKER_02 37:16

And if you all come to the four-way stop at the same time, whoever got there first goes first.

SPEAKER_03 37:24

Who goes first when they both come to the stop at the same time?

SPEAKER_02 37:27

The one on the right.

SPEAKER_03 37:28

Oh, bitch! See, that's not that hard. I don't get people.

SPEAKER_02 37:33

Are my favorite is when they wave you, and if you don't go within a split second, and then you start going and then they go.

SPEAKER_03 37:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:41

Oh and then now you stop again, and now you're both waving at each other.

SPEAKER_03 37:45

Dance. Oh, God. Just makes me grind my gears.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Either we need to get rid of four-way stops and replace them with roundabouts or just traffic lights.

SPEAKER_03 37:54

Yeah. Or or bridges. Every single intersection needs to be a bridge.

SPEAKER_02 37:59

Yeah, but then they're gonna crumble and you gotta rebuild them. We need cheaper shit. I feel like we should just go back to like they had in the beginning. Dirt roads. Canals. Fucking dirt roads, canals. What? Well, waterways all over the place. So we just go every place by boat? Like Venice. That's stupid.

SPEAKER_03 38:15

That's not stupid. It's saving it saved a lot. No more car bills.

SPEAKER_02 38:19

Stupid boat.

SPEAKER_03 38:20

No more gasoline bills.

SPEAKER_02 38:21

Fuck the fuck the autos. Just a dumb boat pushed by a guy in a painter outfit.

SPEAKER_03 38:25

It's you. No, you're French, bitch. We're all like this now. So we have we have causeways for boats. And we're we canoeing everywhere. Uh when the bombs drop and the EMP goes off, all the cars are dead anyway.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

Not all of them.

SPEAKER_03 38:39

Well, I mean, most of them, unless it's like a 19 pre-1970s.

SPEAKER_02 38:42

That's all I got.

SPEAKER_03 38:43

That's not you don't have any of that.

SPEAKER_02 38:45

Yeah, I do. I got it all.

SPEAKER_03 38:47

Besides the attitude of yours being old. Most of your shit's new, so I know you're just stuck in the water.

SPEAKER_02 38:54

You're stuck in the water.

SPEAKER_03 38:55

I know how to survive.

SPEAKER_02 38:57

You think that you know how to survive in the water, but I've seen you swim.

SPEAKER_03 39:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

You swim like a fucking dolphin with no flipper.

SPEAKER_03 39:05

Well, sometimes you gotta figure it out when a shark bites you.

SPEAKER_02 39:09

You're a dolphin with a nub.

SPEAKER_03 39:11

Yeah, you figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 39:12

You're a nub dolphin.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

Nub the dolphin. Huh. He survives. What about your final thought?

SPEAKER_02 39:18

Head out to the dollar store, buy some disposable razors, some shaving cream, get that neck cleaned up, wash that head and face, and get back out there and fucking do it. Yeah, just do it clean. Just do it. Everyone just needs to be fucking clean. If you don't bathe at least every other day, I can't look at you the same.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

That's gonna close the picture down.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Yeah, I mean, we might lose some viewership. And if you heard that and it hurts your feelings, shame on your dirty butt. Get in there and fucking clean it. Good for you, bro.

Four-Way Stops, Boats, And EMP Reality

SPEAKER_03 39:49

Yeah, thank you. Well done. If you guys want to get at us, I put the Discord link in the show notes. You can find us there. Otherwise, good.