Stoner Babble

Timeline Jumping Baby

• JJ and Burke • Season 6 • Episode 10

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A toddler reaches out his hand, grunts, and tries to pull a basketball back like he’s unlocking telekinesis. That’s how we end up asking the only reasonable question: what if the kid didn’t learn it from a movie, but from the future? We start with real-life stress and the need to pick a fight about anything, then slide into a surprisingly detailed multiverse spiral where “energy hands” become a theory about time loops, parenting, and the weird ways our brains latch onto patterns when life feels chaotic.

From there, we go full conspiracy theory podcast mode: an alien interview claim that explains interstellar travel like twisting a Rubik’s Cube, portals that could drop you onto the surface of the sun, and the dark logic of sending the oldest cat through first with a GoPro. We connect the jokes to bigger ideas like quantum physics, timeline jumping, and the multiverse, then stack on the modern “reality feels off” checklist: CERN symptoms, Mandela effects, duplicates showing up, a baby monitor that won’t display tractor patterns, and even the argument that the sun doesn’t feel like the one we grew up with.

We also hit the practical world where paranoia meets infrastructure: the Three Gorges Dam fear, leaning skyscrapers, data centers pulling “waste energy” from homes, and why people distrust big systems they can’t see. We close with a hopeful swing toward rebuilding community through a phone-free social club, then immediately ruin it with talk of missing scientists, timeline mergers to avoid a comet, and what you’d do if an alternate version of you appeared tomorrow.

Subscribe for more chaotic curiosity, share this with your most conspiracy-brained friend, and leave a review with your wildest “glitch in reality” story.

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Cold Open Theme Song

SPEAKER_02

J J in the toilet Buck and Smoke Hey We got a whole lot of nothing in spraying with a hundred or eight or eight one minute it's energy next we're in space stone a babble baby babble baby set your thoughts the cruise pace JJ talks circles the birth lands the punchline solve no problems but we do it just fine if you came for the point point you missed the first train kick off your shoes and let us explain.

Beard Shame And Built Up Rage

SPEAKER_00

Uh look at me, I don't care for my beard anymore because I got manual labor job. Co-workers make fun of me. You're fucking rude.

SPEAKER_01

You're rude. A rude person. There's too much going on. You don't come in looking hot.

SPEAKER_00

Let me tell you what my dynamic the past two weeks, alright? I've been home alone with a two-year-old. I've been kicked in the dick, I've been kicked in the nose, I've been choked, I've been punched in the teeth, I've had a monster truck slammed on my fucking head, and he does it with a smile on his face. So I just need to argue because I can't argue with him, alright? I don't think it's an omen. But you told me you're no coming here because you ain't had no time for this shit. So I'm just letting you know where I'm coming from today, alright?

SPEAKER_01

You're coming from the same location each and every fucking time. You're coming this hot. Probably. We have nothing to back it up. You're a guy that stands on the ice thinking it's never gonna fucking melt.

SPEAKER_00

That's not true, because I would never stand on ice. Cause I got a secret weapon,

My Toddler Thinks He Has Powers

SPEAKER_00

JJ. All the stuff that we predicted on the show, you went back and listened, and we're right about a lot of stuff, right? So it would only make sense that other things would come to fruition. How many times have I said that I have energy hands?

SPEAKER_01

As of late, you said it at least three times.

SPEAKER_00

A lot. Especially in the past. You said I was the energy demon.

SPEAKER_01

Energy vampire. Energy vampire. You made that very clear.

SPEAKER_00

Energy vampire. Yeah. And I had energy hands. So it would only make sense that that would come to my life, but it's not me that has them. It's my son. My son is two, and we're playing basketball the other day. One hit his hand and it bounced off. He reached his hand out like this and he went, Ugh. So I just chalked it up at that time as he was just frustrated, right? He stuck his hand out and he grunted like that. So the next day we're playing ball, and the first time it happens, he stretches his hand out and he goes, Ah, come ball. He was trying to bring the ball back with his hand in his mind, dude. And I'm like, how would he even know how to do that? Once he unlocks the power, who knows?

SPEAKER_01

And it's conspiracy theory day. Because what we're going to talk about is the idea that your son, it was taught by you with energy hands, and then came back into the past to teach you at a younger age.

SPEAKER_00

I told my wife about this, and of course she thinks I'm fucking crazy. Which maybe I am. I asked her this question like, what if he did that and that ball just zapped back to his hand? I'm not telling anybody that. Not in a one bit. Do that to yourself. Yeah, but I was just like, how would I react in that situation? I think it would have fucking scared me. Yeah. If I don't give him juice and he gets mad at me, bro, like he might throw he might like rip your heart off. Bro, I'm gonna tell you something else that he's pointing at me.

SPEAKER_01

My your fingers moving a lot.

SPEAKER_00

He went into our bedroom and he unplugged the wireless phone charger and he comes out into the living room and he's got the wireless charger over his heart and he's going boom boom boom boom boom boom. I looked at my wife, I was like, is he Iron Man? How does he even know that? Is he saying he needs some kind of electricity?

SPEAKER_01

He wants to be on a scooter going 88 miles an hour during a lightning storm.

SPEAKER_00

I gotta get him an electric scooter? Does that mean that he's the new Marty McFly? And you're Doc Brown?

SPEAKER_01

I I hey Marty.

SPEAKER_00

Could I could be? Yeah. So now you gotta build him a scooter. A quantum scooter. Well, I was hoping you go a little easier. I can't.

SPEAKER_01

Second time it's complicated.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think you're equipped to handle that.

SPEAKER_01

I can be. Anybody can be. Okay. I've lived many a life and I just can join it into one. So you gotta figure out how to build a scooter. I just gotta turn the knob. I don't have to build that scooter. Someone's already done it before. Whose knob? My knob. So you turn your knob and you can build a scooter. If you can uh picture this a locker with a spinny dial when you went to high school. Turn the knob. That's like me turning channels of the lifetimes I lived and I I gained that skill set.

Alien Rubiks Cube Travel Theory

SPEAKER_00

It's funny that you say turn the knob because I saw a TikTok the other day where a guy was claiming that he got to interview an alien. And he did. And he asked the alien, How did you travel so far? Because we can't do that. And he said, It's a Rubik's Cube. Think of it, yeah. I saw that one. Yeah, you saw it.

SPEAKER_01

Twisting the cube. So if you guys didn't see this, it's a documentary. He pictured a Rubik's Cube in Starbucks. With elements on all sides, and he's like, How do you travel the universe? Because it's so big, you twist the Rubik's cube, and that's how you get from point A to point B.

SPEAKER_00

Does that mean our galaxy is square?

SPEAKER_01

It can be, but we can't think of it that logically. Hmm. It's a 3D plane, and then you have to go forth at 4D. So we gotta get some new glasses. We do. Metaglasses partially do it, but you have to get $400 to do it. Through Mark Zuckerberg? Can you can you make them? Who? You. The what? Glasses. Uh huh. To see through the portals. Uh-uh. So what are we gonna do? I still don't understand what it means, just twist it. How do you just twist it like a Rubik's Cube? Well, how the fuck do we do that? We I I don't think we can. We're not advanced enough. That's the point. We're like ants trying to understand what a human does. Riddle me this. I will try to.

SPEAKER_00

Let's just say I fucked around and made some glasses and I was able to open up a portal on your deck. You're going through it. I'm asking you, are you? Do you know where it goes?

SPEAKER_01

What if it goes to like the surface of the sun? This is the test! Because that's an asshole move. So we send Do you do you not know where it goes? So we strap a GrowPro to the oldest cat. The go Jesus Christ, why can't you just get a drone? I don't think the electronics will transmit. Oh, so you need a human living life thing. Listen. To walk through your your portal that we don't know where it's going. We gotta know if that portal is breathable. Stick your hand in there. See what happens. Oh fuck you, dude. What if I come back with lizard hands? Well, that's what you get for your masturbating hand then. Well, no, dude. I don't think you don't give a fuck anymore. Sacrificing the oldest cat. You're the one creating the portals.

SPEAKER_00

You deal with a captain of the ship. I'm opening the portal. Sailing through it. I'm not saying I'm going in at first. Yeah, I think you have to.

SPEAKER_01

As the first person explorer. You gotta plant that flag.

SPEAKER_00

I just say night before we go by the nicest salmon and we feed it to the oldest cat. We give him a hoorah. Just in case. We put the GoPro on his collar with a rope and we throw him through the portal and we count to 20. And then we pull him back in. If he's roasted, we know we can't go through there. And at least he had one final hoorah day, dude. I think that's a fair trade. And if he comes back unscathed, then we're going. Then we can see the video, see what's it is.

SPEAKER_01

Let's just presume cat came back. You're going through first. Sure. I'm going all in, full body. Where's it going? I don't know. Where's it leading? Dude, so I I just made these glasses. You just don't know a damn thing about it.

SPEAKER_00

I'm stupid. I touched some wires together on accident and boom, a portal opened. I don't fucking know how it happened. It could go to fucking 1327. You might end up on a ship. Let's say it went back to 1990. How would you know if the portal that it went back to it's the 1990 of your timeline?

SPEAKER_01

You wouldn't.

SPEAKER_00

So you might go back and alter another timeline you passed and then come back thinking that you done something, but uh you didn't. That'd be kind of fucked up. But at least you did something somewhere else.

SPEAKER_01

And isn't that always the point? Yeah, at least you fucked up something else somewhere else. I like that. That's good thinking, JJ. Well, you didn't fuck it up. You did good. You think? Well, yes, maybe. So you just you just go you just hopping around the multiverse causing

CERN Timelines Mandela Glitches And Fruit

SPEAKER_01

issues.

SPEAKER_00

You think that's where that new virus came from? Uh-huh. Another timeline, another cruise ship timeline.

SPEAKER_01

I had a lot of timeline issues come up in my TikToks saying, hey, if you're experiencing some CERN symptoms, I wasn't, but I noticed a lot of people around me were. People are jumping timelines right now, and a lot of people are saying it. CERN.

SPEAKER_00

So you saw that they're building it bigger. They're expanding it for one final go. Uh-huh. Conspiracy that I heard said their theory now is if they build it bigger, they can collide it backwards. They're gonna reverse it and try to close the timeline. We better get our sun back. Fuck this thing that's up there now. That ain't our sun.

SPEAKER_01

That's not you. That's not the sun.

SPEAKER_00

That ain't the sun I grew up with.

SPEAKER_01

It's fake songs. What is a light? Is it a fluorescent light?

SPEAKER_00

I don't know what that is. You don't know. It looks like a light. Not like the what it was. No, I don't like it. That sun just that feels like light hot, if that makes sense. Like a heat light.

SPEAKER_01

There's certain things that are happening in my universe just outright. There's a fruit there's a fruit issue. One fact is we had pears for months. And I kid you fucking not. The GF tried to get these fucking pears to ripen and they wouldn't. They were hard as a fucking rock. And step two, bananas. You get them green, but two days later they're turning brown. When did they ripen? They're fucking with you, Burke. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00

All fruit, dude, because my kid loves berries. If you buy raspberries and you don't eat them within 48 hours, they're mush. Strawberries are kind of going the same way. And you just keep spending more and more and more. What do you think this year's statistics are gonna be for people and credit card debt for groceries?

SPEAKER_01

Are we gonna survive two pandemics now? How can you do that in the same timeline?

SPEAKER_00

I go back even further than that. What makes me think that we're on a different timeline is like the pyramids that tell you it's a tomb. The more you see it, it's set up as some sort of energy source. Like if you study the rocks that are inside and the different levels, I was watching a guy saying, like in the bottom chamber, you can just feel a vibration. And it was because they built it with those type of rocks that vibrate when they're a certain level down, and then the rocks above that are a different type of rock that resonate a different vibration, and he was saying somehow they could make it work as energy. If that's the case, that seems so simple. Why did we fuck it up? But maybe we didn't fuck it up. Maybe we just timeline jumped and now we got two. There's a forest gump Mandela effect. What is it? Do you remember the scene? I think it was when he was in his military uniform and he went to that Black Panther party and he got in a fight. And after he got in a fight and he beat the guy up, he said, I'm sorry I ruined your Black Panther party. You remember him saying that? That's what he said, right? Sure. Not now. What is a now? I'm sorry I got in a fight and messed up your panther party.

SPEAKER_01

This kind of alliance is a lot of people on TikToks are should are showing shit that's showing up as a second pair of things that have been not occurring in real life or shouldn't be. Like I have a hat, a knitted hat, a one of ones.

SPEAKER_00

I saw that one.

SPEAKER_01

And now there's a second pair. Yeah. Where'd that come from? And where is it missing from the other timeline?

SPEAKER_00

Mine has been like, I'm looking for something and I can't find it. And then five seconds later I look and it's there, and I'm like, how? You're a witch. What the fuck, dude? I never thought we'd have a forest gump.

SPEAKER_01

Mandela effect.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Oh, I might have seen a glitch last night, and my wife was a witness. Neither one of us could explain it. We put our son to bed and we have a baby monitor. We have it so we can see, like, basically from his head to his feet. Every night we look at this monitor. You can make out what's on his pajamas. He's got Spider-Man pajamas. You can clearly make out Spider-Man. My wife puts him to bed last night, and she comes into the bedroom with the monitor, and I'm looking at it. I took a picture of it. She sent it to me. I'm looking at this monitor. What color is his pajamas? That's a night vision photo. I know. They're just plain, right? There's plain. I can't tell. Yeah. Yeah, they look plain. He has tractors all over those pajamas. And she she looked at it too and she was like, Do they normally show up? Because like I I can show you pictures in my camera roll where like I have pictures where you can clearly make out what's on his pajamas.

SPEAKER_01

With in the night vision mode you just showed me?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Like you can, dude. No, that's not possible. It's possible. I don't like this happening around me. The pajamas that he had on last night had those tractors just smaller all over. I I can't I can't tell. What I'm telling I know what you're saying. But the like the one I showed you looked like he had no nothing on his pajamas. Right. But he had tractors. He has tractors. But they just for some reason they wouldn't register on the camera.

SPEAKER_01

Why is the camera hiding tractors? I don't know. Is tractor a thing? Or is it that you're just on jump timelines and now you got a different version of them?

SPEAKER_00

But this is right after he does the energy hand shit, and then I'm like, he came back.

SPEAKER_01

He's that's we put him to bed now.

SPEAKER_00

We can't see his pajamas. Did he like jump a timeline and he put that timeline's baby in here? Yep. That's the original baby.

SPEAKER_01

While he's off mastering his craft? Well, talking to the other Berks. Because there's a whole army of you that's gotta do it. I don't like it. Guy jumping through dimensions. Hmm. Who would have thunk that you would be dealing with a timeline jumping baby? What do we do now? How do we You become a cat farmer?

SPEAKER_00

Like Stone Cold Steve Austin? Yes. Well, how do we get on that timeline?

SPEAKER_01

We exist here now. Fuck it. Let's just be with it.

SPEAKER_00

You know what's crazy to me now? 20 cats. He has been retired from wrestling long enough and old enough. Like there's a generation of people now that know Stone Cold as the cat guy.

SPEAKER_01

He'll never be the the cold guy. Yeah, he's the cat guy. Boss being up, dude. I like that. Stone Cold is a guy that just wants to be left alone in the middle of nowhere.

SPEAKER_00

I guess if a the fucking the haunted virus goes crazy, like you'd want to be in like Montana out in the middle of nowhere. But a few cats, Stone Cold, he knows what's going down. And times get tough. He eats one. I suppose. Yeah. I mean, he gotta throw one through the portal.

SPEAKER_01

What the GoPro?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. What if we threw pancakes through there for like 20 seconds and then brought him back and he was like had a gold crown and like a fucking diamond encrusted cape? I would expect no less. He'd be the cat king from pancakes.

SPEAKER_01

So we we'd have to go, right? I wouldn't bow. I'd like I'd like you stupid people. You got a wasp in the house. That's your fault. Oh, that's my fault. Yeah. Well, kill it. I know I'm not gonna kill it. It can find its way out. You got your epipin? That looks like a bee, bro. What do you mean? That's a wasp. That's not a wasp.

SPEAKER_00

Now you're gonna get it high. He's blowing smoke at it.

SPEAKER_01

It's gonna piss it off. That's a bee, bro. That's why it's not angry.

SPEAKER_00

Go on now. See? See? It's fine. I used my energy voice.

SPEAKER_01

Go on now. Got him. No, see, I calmly said, get gone. And it went. But you didn't. I did. I didn't strike out like you wanted me to. Fucking.

SPEAKER_00

It was walking slowly to the door, and then I gave it that tone and got it out of here.

SPEAKER_01

Trying to sit on my shoulder going, hey, just strike it down. No.

SPEAKER_00

He heard what I said. He's going to tell his friends, you better stay out of that window. There's a mean old man in there.

SPEAKER_01

I don't know about none of that.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. He's in here trying to steal some of our candy, and he was gonna let him, you dick.

SPEAKER_01

Old man rocking on your porch. I gotta get another shack gun and cross your lap, you piece of shit.

SPEAKER_00

Smoke, you piece of dick. What do you think about the dams?

Dams Megaprojects And Engineering Paranoia

SPEAKER_00

What dams? Like that big dam in China. It's the biggest dam in the world. I guess it had 131 cubic tons of water shift. Because the soil, they basically had a sinkhole. It put that in risk of breaking because it went so far deep in the soil. And if that dam goes because it's sinkholes, could wipe out fucking millions, dude. How would you fix that as an engineer, Burner? Dude, I don't know. Like, I feel like you should probably build a new dam in front of it before that one goes boom boom. And if that one goes boom boom, ah fuck, I don't know. No, I'm not a Chinese engineer. Wouldn't it have made more sense to build multiple smaller dams instead of one big, big, big, big dam? No. All your small dams would add up to a big one. What are you talking about? Nah. You do them in stages. Still gotta put the dam somewhere and it looks like a big dam anyway. Yeah, instead of doing one big dam, you're gonna do 12 little dams. What if you can't do 12 little dams? I don't want to hear it. If you can do one big dam, nah.

SPEAKER_01

Say the river's the same as a bit. Look up the dimensions. I don't want to do it. I don't know what I'm even looking up.

SPEAKER_00

Google, biggest dam in China.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

It's the biggest biggest dam in the world.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'll pause it.

SPEAKER_00

We don't need to pause.

SPEAKER_01

You just look when I say pause, it's not real pause. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I get what you're saying, motherfucker. I'm tired of your shit. I'm tired of your shit.

SPEAKER_01

No, you're not.

SPEAKER_00

I bring your dogs treats, and this is the thanks I get.

SPEAKER_01

And it will be next time when I do it again. The three gorges dam. There you go. Three gorges. That's it. The three da the three gorges dam is the biggest dam in China and the world's largest hydroelectric power station by capacity generating twenty-two five thousand megawatts. 377 feet. Oh, that's a good leap. See, you can't you can't so you you just damn that then?

SPEAKER_00

Mm-mm. You damn it along. Do you think in our gener in our lifetime we'll see the end of building buildings tall?

SPEAKER_01

Or they're floating. One of the two. Because they can't continue upwards.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, like I see. Too much damage. Emotion, no dou like I keep seeing like all the skyscrapers now that are starting to lean, and it's like, that's not the way they're probably not building up anyway.

SPEAKER_01

They're probably building down into the caves. And they're using data centers as their power sources. Oh, great. And there's your next conspiracy theory, Burke. Yeah. Because what the fuck are these things actually for? Well, there's nothing in them.

SPEAKER_00

I saw a thing on the news the other day that said, I forgot where it was, one of these data center companies. They'll pay you $1,500 to install like a it looks like a little air conditioning unit outside your house. And somehow it uses your waste energy or your junk energy, as they called it, to power this little thing that will feed energy to their data center. Cool, I guess. What is it? And then the other thing is how do I have waste energy? Your TV being plugged in when it's not being powered on. So I got to fucking unplug everything in my house when I'm not using it? Technically. That is dumb. Like how does that energy just not go back in the grid?

SPEAKER_01

Because it doesn't recycle like that. It's not backwards compatible. Uh I know.

SPEAKER_00

And we sent a man to the moon. And we sent a man to the moon. And we sent a man to the moon.

Waste Energy Data Centers Moon Landing Doubts

SPEAKER_00

You know the best thing about the first moon landing? Our president at the time, Nixon, was just talking to him on a phone. He had a phone to his ear. What kind of service did they have back then where he could talk to someone on a moon? No. Lies no moon landing. You don't get no satellite guy.

SPEAKER_01

You're a satellite, you're not a satellite guy. You can't dance. Can't dance when you're sitting down.

SPEAKER_00

Moon's fake. If I can do chair karate, I can chair dance, dude. But you can't do chair chair dancing. You're still yelling at it. No, dude. I do chair dancing classes down at the local fucking old folks home. Go down there on Thursday nights and call out bingo numbers and after bingo, we do fucking chair dancing,

Building A Phone Free Social Club

SPEAKER_00

dude. I feel like we just need to open up a social club. Because that's the thing that's I feel like holding us back. It's holding you back. No, I feel like it's holding every like I feel like people just being social is just dead. And when you're not social, like you're not really communicating or collaborating and sharing ideas. So you're just whatever you're staring at as what you're in. It's true. And we're gonna bring people out of that. When you come in, you're handed a little box, your phone goes in it. This is we're just everyone's talking in here. Like we'll have some light music playing for ambiance and what if they didn't want to talk?

SPEAKER_01

Well, that's fine. What are you gonna do with them? What do you mean? There's gonna be a set of people that don't want to communicate.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna want to be there, they just want to be around people. Yeah. Cool. They they'll have a little badge. Oh, they got a badge. They wear a lanyard. Don't talk to me. It doesn't say that, but like if you see someone with a fluorescent badge on, leave them alone. They're just here for the punch. Everyone else, talk away. We're all friends in here. Works for me. Sometimes you're gonna have awkward conversations, sometimes it might be weird, but sometimes you might make some new connections. Connections.

SPEAKER_01

I don't like the connections you just said to me. Connections too too much. But I like the social club.

SPEAKER_00

We need a social club with a bronze pool. Come heal yourself and be social in the bronze pool. That's your that's your ticket, dude. Maybe you need to sleep with a bronze helmet. Did you try sleeping with your phone in the other room? I not yet, no. Oh man.

SPEAKER_01

I need the alarm, even though I wake up at the same time every day. What if we're in the final timeline?

Missing Scientists Comets And Timeline Mergers

SPEAKER_01

And what's happening right now with all the missing scientists is the fact that they're saying they're working. Some are some are actually dead because they didn't convert, but some did and now are working on the mega weapon.

SPEAKER_00

This is what I envisioned this as. Says, we're doing this. Are you with us or against us? And some of them that said no just and the ones that said yeah, they're probably somewhere working on something. What if they did have alien contact and the aliens were coming to our timeline just to tell us, hey, this is gonna happen? And instead of trying to rectify the problem, they're looking for a way to like just shift us to a different timeline where it doesn't happen. What if they're just gonna merge our timeline permanently with another timeline to avoid the comet?

SPEAKER_01

And that's what's happening right now. And that's what's happening right now. That's why it's feeling because it's tearing reality.

SPEAKER_00

And then you're gonna have to learn to live with another you.

SPEAKER_01

You're gonna see you. You're gonna be living with another one.

SPEAKER_00

Because wherever you're at in that timeline is where you're gonna end up. Is it only one other you? It's just you and you.

SPEAKER_01

Is it the same you or a different you?

SPEAKER_00

It's you, but you're hoping that you get successful you, like that's like a you know, like created some world-class disease control, but you might get Methew. Whoa, wow. Yeah, you might wake up in a trailer park with Methew, and now you gotta teach him the ways. You became a personal trainer and you learned nutrition. Maybe that's because you had to teach new you. Maybe new you's like 600 pounds.

SPEAKER_01

That's gonna be a good journey.

SPEAKER_00

Now you know how to train him. And maybe knew me in new timelines a little bitch, and that's why I'm so gruff and angry. I gotta teach him. Damn, I gotta toughen him up. He's getting his ass kicked.

SPEAKER_01

Send him to sliding down a hill.

SPEAKER_00

Life's kicking his ass. Yeah. Damn, dude. So back to these scientists.

SPEAKER_01

What are they working on?

SPEAKER_00

They're trying to merge it.

SPEAKER_01

They're they're actually merging it. There's no weapon, there's no meteorate, there's no nothing.

SPEAKER_00

Maybe that's for us to survive, they gotta merge it. The comet's coming. The the big one. The big one. It's gotta take everyone out. And that's why people keep seeing too, because like they're experimenting.

SPEAKER_01

They're trying to move it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

The whole reality. Like, all right, we do it in segments. Now what happens when we just leave the switch on?

SPEAKER_01

Got a couple weeks. Maybe that's why they've been the final loop. But what if we bring the comet to them? It's already coming. So you're just gonna angle it? But it's gonna take out the whole thing anyway.

SPEAKER_00

No, it only takes out our timeline. Oh, ours. That's what the aliens told us. What aliens? The aliens came back, told us what was gonna happen, and taught us. They gave us the technology to start the merger. But we didn't know what to do with it. And now these scientists are figuring it out, dude. That's why I'm telling you, seeing twos and all this shit's popping up. They're just experimenting with that switch. Where's the comma gonna go? Who cares? We ain't worried about it now. Now you just gotta worry about new you. Would you want to like get to know new you, or would you just be like, hey, nice to see you? I'm gonna go about my life, or would you want to keep in contact with you? Be subtle.

SPEAKER_01

I don't want to know too much. No, I I don't want to be friends. Really? I don't think so. I think we're gonna be a little too alike. But you don't just different enough. Then I know you think be different.

SPEAKER_00

Different timeline, you is a different person, bro.

SPEAKER_01

Like, but you never had like a straight twin brother, right? But this jump one.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, I guess you could look at it like your twin brother, but yeah, he's he's not you. What if he was 600 pounds? Would you want to help him? I can try. What better person to learn from than yourself? He would have to see you every day and like look at what I could be like or I could look like.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, I couldn't.

SPEAKER_00

So you I understand like if you was like a giant douchebag, I couldn't stand by and watch a version of me get my ass beat.

SPEAKER_01

That makes sense. Go to bat.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It just depends on how much you want to give.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I don't know. I want to be like, if I knew timeline is methyme, like, here's 800 bucks, buddy. Like, don't ever call me again. It might be different for you though. Like, what if knew you had kids? You know what I mean? But like you would see what they would look like. Would that mess would that fuck your brain up a little bit or no?

SPEAKER_01

Just a little bit, but also at the same time, I'd understand. You'd have two atlases. I got two, oh two pup-ups. I'm down for that.

SPEAKER_00

That'd be great. And you'd have four cat, you'd have two pancats.

SPEAKER_01

That's too many cats, though. Yeah, like 18 cats, and I there's not no.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like I would just merge my new families together and we just start a sitcom. Start yeah. That'd be the show.

SPEAKER_01

It'd be two families. That's the title.

SPEAKER_00

Me training Living in a duplex. Me training me. I gotta teach new me how to be a man.

SPEAKER_01

Because your little scrawny guy doesn't know better. And then he teaches you life lessons because he has to see you through a different set of eyes.

SPEAKER_00

That that version of me grew up playing fucking magic cards and dark rooms and got his ass beat a lot. Yeah. And I'm like, let me give you some skills. And then I'm gonna go to magic tournaments and just beat up everyone. Wow. And revenge of you. Intimidate people. Yeah. Give me your magic cords.

SPEAKER_01

We gotta burn cigarettes out on people's faces. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And if and if big version of you don't listen, I'll go over there in the middle of the night and just whoop his ass a little bit and be like, you better start listening to JJ. Motherfucker trained hard. Trained hard to fix you, motherfucker. I'll just go. I'm giving you scenarios that could be possible, and I'm letting you know how far I'm willing to go to help new you too. So I'm building inter-timeline friendships, JJ.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you apparently wanted 600 pounds.

SPEAKER_00

That's the first one you came up with.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, fucking asshole.

SPEAKER_00

It only makes sense because you trained, and guess what? Because he's 600 pounds, his floor sucks in his house. And what are you doing right now? You're learning flooring. Oh, pure opposite. And so you're gonna teach him nutrition and how to work out, and you're gonna fix his floor, and you've got new timeline JJ on the right path.

SPEAKER_01

Only makes sense. Well, let's reverse it. Burke is in his fucking era. On the other side is this lawyer in the biggest city, and you're working for the mayor, and you're fucking corrupt, but a darker kind of corrupt.

SPEAKER_00

No, timeline me might be in politics, but he's he's soft. Oh, he's a bitch. He's soft, so he gets pushed over. So, timeline me here. There's gonna be some meetings where I'm gonna be like, just let me step in here for you. Watch how it's done. Let me go in here and filibuster this for you.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, you're gonna just sit there.

SPEAKER_00

Not say a word. Oh, I'm saying all the words. I'm talking for I'm going for days. You think you can timeline, other timeline me is just sitting there with his fucking notebook, dude.

SPEAKER_01

He's like, When you filibuster, how often do you have to talk? That's a good question. Like what word usage does have to dictate the words you fill in to empty space in between saying nothing, like I'm doing right now.

SPEAKER_00

And do you wear a diaper? You just hold it in. What if you go for days? Look up what's the longest filibuster.

Filibusters And The Art Of Talking

SPEAKER_00

I will do that when how did they pee?

unknown

Pause.

SPEAKER_01

The longest filibuster in history was Tom Thurman. August 28th to 29th, 1957, he spoke for 24 hours and 18 minutes straight.

SPEAKER_00

He prepared by setting in a steam room to dehydrate himself so he wouldn't need bathroom breaks. During the speech, he read State Election Laws, the Declaration of Independence, Recipes, and Phone Books. Senate rules at the time allowed him to keep the floor as long as he kept talking and remained standing.

SPEAKER_01

How is that a rule? I don't know. Like if you can just say if you can just say anything you want, we can just stay in this fucking Senate the whole time. Who came up with that? That's fucking madness. That is. Nothing is actually occurring. That's like us going to work and we just stare at each other, going, if you say words and don't stop, we won't do anything.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, like so. How does that work in the real fucking world? He didn't even speak about anything with substance. He read phone book. Yeah, what's the point? Wow.

SPEAKER_01

This is beyond imagining that I'm gonna do that at work. Just talk constantly, and you don't do anything. You go to work and read a phone book.

SPEAKER_00

There just must be a level of politics and corruption that we just don't understand yet.

SPEAKER_01

Final thoughts, Burke.

Aliens Are Future Us Closing Rants

SPEAKER_01

This is what I I know. This is what I've seen is 47 and 52. You know what that means? 47,000 and 52,000. You know what that is?

SPEAKER_00

No.

SPEAKER_01

The fucking aliens. But the aliens are us. That timeline into the future. Because one goes above ground, one goes below ground, and they're then they're coming back in time. That's what you told me. Yeah. I told you that. So they're just us coming back and they look fucking weird. That's what you get. You're going underground, bro. I can see you'd be one of those people.

SPEAKER_00

An underground person? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Right now? Yeah. Nah. I like the sun too much.

SPEAKER_01

No, you don't.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You go on your road and you hide away.

SPEAKER_00

That's why you're so white. What if Tomline that we're merging to has been wiped out by another disaster and we gotta rebuild it.

SPEAKER_01

What kind?

SPEAKER_00

Sand.

SPEAKER_01

What's a sand disaster?

SPEAKER_00

Sand. Like the movie Doom. Just sand. What do you do? You do crazy sandwich. You gotta be a ground, you gotta be an underground person.

SPEAKER_01

No, you don't know how to dig though. But new you does. I don't have any flipper hands.

SPEAKER_00

You can't flipper hands. They're gonna dig down, but then they need new you to build the city. But new you can't do it.

SPEAKER_01

But it ain't sand when you don't dig into the ground. I don't understand the concept of sand on a molecular level.

SPEAKER_00

How many times have you been talking in the past about water world?

SPEAKER_01

Plenty of times, and I can't I can't deal with no sand world. I'm not dealing with I'm not dealing with sand. But you're the water guy. Yeah, I get that.

SPEAKER_00

And you gotta teach the sand guys.

SPEAKER_01

No, no. You don't understand. I figured it out! That's two different concepts, and I have I haven't I hang I don't have the time for that. But it is the time. And I grow the food. You can't grow food. I do. You don't understand how to do it.

SPEAKER_00

Shut your mouth. You think you have a garden? You know what I do in the future? I build bridges. You don't build bridges. We've talked about this for years. Yeah, you know. I'm an expert bridge builder.

SPEAKER_01

You don't have no structural engineering concept. You don't need it. To your mind. You just you're following the plans. I just shake my head. I have to sleep this nights because they're thinking you out there building bridges. Why? They fall down. No, they would not. And what happens when you take out the one person that could change the world? I hope with your bullshit building bridges.

SPEAKER_00

That new timeline you is able to stand on a chair. There. There. I hope he can stand on a chair without falling, because this timeline you can't. Fuck you.