Challenges of Healing From a Traumatic Brain Injury Laura Renner

The Tim Heale Podcasts S3 E174 Laura Renner

Challenges of Healing From a Traumatic Brain Injury

Laura is a nurse-turned-author who suffered a traumatic brain injury in 2021, which only added to her list of major health scares over the previous five years. This prompted her to dig deeper into her past and led to the realization that she had complex post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from childhood.

She spent the next year and half exploring all the trauma healing modalities she could find to heal her mind and body. Laura details this experience in her book, "No, I'm Not Fine. Thank You.," where she discusses her journey of identifying her traumas, healing deep wounds, and how she reclaimed her power.

My website is https://laurarenner.me

My instagram is @laura_renn

Transcript

Speaker 0 (0s): Welcome to the Tim Heale Podcast, Ordinary People's extraordinary Stories and Everyday, Conversations, Regarding, Mental Health, and Live awesome quizzes on a Tuesday. If you'd like to watch these episodes, rather than listen, if you'd go over to YouTube and type in Tim Heale Nine or Ordinary People's Extraordinary Stories, or Everyday Conversations Regarding Mental Health or Live, or some quiz, you'll find it on YouTube and you can watch and see who I've been talking to. 
 
 You can also take part in the quizzes after the event and put your scores in the chat box to see who else has done well. You'll also find the links in the description below. thank you for your time. 
 
 Speaker 1 (57s): The Tim Heale Podcasts, Ordinary People's Extraordinary Stories. 
 
 Speaker 0 (1m 2s): Welcome to the Tim Heale Podcasts and Ordinary people's extraordinary stories. I have another great guest on today, so without too much further ado, let's get her in. So welcome Laura. 
 
 Speaker 2 (1m 22s): Hey, doing. thank you so much for having me. 
 
 Speaker 0 (1m 24s): You are most welcome. So, Laura, if you can tell us, roughly speaking in general terms, where you were born, not necessarily when you were born, 'cause you're a lady, if you could describe to us what it was like, where you grew up, the schools you went to, and the education that you received. It's all yours. 
 
 Speaker 2 (1m 48s): Absolutely. Up in a town called Rockville, Maryland. It is about 20, 30 minutes outside of Washington DC And, you know, I had a really great childhood in so many respects. I went to really great public schools. Thankfully the DC area has really high achieving wonderful, resourced public schools. So I had a really excellent schooling experience from an early age. I was highly involved in sports, so I started playing competitive basketball around the age of eight. 
 
 And so on top of juggling school, I was playing basketball, you know, anywhere from five to seven days a week, almost as if it were a full-time job. And so that continued on through elementary school into middle school. And I knew at a young age that I had anxiety. I didn't know that that was the terminology for it at the time. I always knew that I was a nervous kid, but I just kind of took that on as me and had accepted that and still was able to function in sports function in school and still do really well. 
 
 And it was really in high school when I was able to shed a little more light on that my anxiety was not normal. And again, it didn't really interfere with my school, my academics or with sports. I was still able to be successful in all of those. However, it was just becoming more and more noticeable how much it was impacting me and started doing therapy actually in early high school and wasn't really seeing many benefits from it. 
 
 But again, I was still, you know, on paper, seemingly successful. And so I just kind of kept going and just kind of kept putting that in the, in the corner as if it wasn't really a problem at the time. And 
 
 Speaker 0 (3m 46s): So. yeah, 
 
 Speaker 2 (3m 47s): Yeah. you know, it's, it's funny how when you look back you can really see, or I can really see especially how, just how great of an impact that it had. But especially since I'm a child of the late eighties and there wasn't a lot of information about kids with mental health issues. And so my parents were great in that they actually started, you know, exposing me to therapy and things like that at a pretty early age for that time, however, so, 
 
 Speaker 0 (4m 17s): So let's, let's have a look at that early time then. So you grew up around Washington DC so in, in the eighties. So what was going on there? Let's have a think. What was going on in the, around Washington DC in the eighties? Mm, 
 
 Speaker 2 (4m 33s): So I was born in 88, so I'm mostly, mostly a child of the nineties So. you wish most of it then So. yeah, so, so things were, you know, pretty great. It was really, you know, great times. And I had a two parent household, two older sisters. We had a really, you know, great functional family where we all got along and my father worked and my mom stayed at home, which was great And. that enabled us to have a lot of time with her. 
 
 And also it allowed us, all my sisters and I to each be able to do a lot of things outside of school, which was great. I always had access to outside activities. So that's how I got involved in Sports And. that was really great for me in a lot of respects and also really challenging. But it was a great learning experience for, you know, for team building, for interacting with others at a young age. And also for learning things like discipline and how to kind of allot my time at an early age. 
 
 Speaker 0 (5m 38s): So let's have a look at the, the road that you lived on. What was that like? What was the house that you lived in? What was that like? 
 
 Speaker 2 (5m 46s): So, it was this very cute little house. We lived in this little kind of cul-de-sac So. it was just this small little street that had kind of a, a circular ending. So all of the homes, homes were kind of together. My memories in that home, that was probably the first four years of my life. And I know that we interacted with neighbors. We had kind of a, a nurturing neighborhood in that way. I don't have the most memories from there because I was the youngest of, of the three. 
 
 And so my memories were more in our next home, which again, it was kind of a similar scenario of we had great neighbors with other kids our age. So we had a lot of opportunities for interaction and the ability to spend time with other kids and just get to know kids of other varying ages. 
 
 Speaker 0 (6m 36s): So where did you move to then? 
 
 Speaker 2 (6m 38s): So? it was not far away still, it was still within, in the same area, Rockville in the same town. It was maybe a couple miles away, but just a different neighborhood that allowed us to have a lot more outdoor space and spend more time outside, which, you know, now that seems very coveted, especially since, for so many kids these days, they don't really have a lot of that outdoor experience. so that was really great for getting outside, being active and having a lot of green space and, and areas to play 
 
 Speaker 0 (7m 6s): Brilliant. So what was your, what was, can you remember much about your kindergarten? What was that like? I mean, was that a big one? Was it a small one? 
 
 Speaker 2 (7m 16s): You know, it was probably, I would guess about 20 kids. And my, a lot of my memories at kindergarten were me being very teary. I was a very fearful kid. I remember crying the first day that I was dropped off. I remember anytime that I was not, I was not a child who could, who was comfortable with change. So anytime there was any new, you know, opportunity presented new things that we were doing, I really struggled and got really nervous and scared and uncomfortable. 
 
 So there were a lot of times when my mom would have to be called in because I would just be crying all the time and they couldn't calm me down and just didn't know what to do with me. But that was just unfortunately my nature at that age. 
 
 Speaker 0 (8m 4s): Hmm. So, so moving on slightly, what, what was your, your next school, was it middle school that you went to next? 
 
 Speaker 2 (8m 15s): Yeah, so I continued in elementary school through fifth grade at the same school and had, you know, a really positive experience. I had a lot of great teachers, a lot of great friends. Middle school was a lot more challenging. That was, you know, really when my anxiety really came out more full force and was more exposed being, you know, put in a position to interact with a lot more kids. I mean, my middle school was kind of the culmination of five different elementary schools combined. 
 
 So, it was pretty large. Ooh. And so that is a boost feeling, you know? Yeah. And so in elementary school, I was able to at least develop some kind of comfort zone with the people I was with. 'cause for the most part it was all the same people. And then going to middle school did, 
 
 Speaker 0 (8m 59s): Did you manage to, how, how long did it take you to stop crying every day? 
 
 Speaker 2 (9m 5s): I think second grade was the first, the first year I didn't cry. in the first day of school, first grade. There was definitely some bumps, definitely some tears that I remember. But second grade I was able to get my groove a little bit more, feel more comfortable. I think, especially seeing similar faces, having similar people definitely helped. And, I was maturing a little bit, so I was able to be away in kind of these newer experiences at, you know, age seven, eight, And. that definitely helped. 
 
 Speaker 0 (9m 34s): So what was your favorite lessons in the early days? 
 
 Speaker 2 (9m 38s): You know, I always loved math. I was really good at math and I loved writing. Those were my favorite at young ages. Later in time, I be truly took on the love for science. But as a, as a young kid, I really enjoyed math and I really enjoyed writing with math. It was something that I was just Naturally pretty good at. And with writing, it allowed me to be really creative. And I loved, I loved being creative. I loved drawing, I loved painting, I loved singing, really doing anything creative as a young kid was something that I really excelled at and really enjoyed. 
 
 Speaker 0 (10m 14s): So, moving on from elementary then into your middle school, So you, you, you've gone from a fairly small school into a massive school with loads of other kids. I mean, that, that, that must have been daunting at the best of times, but that was, 
 
 Speaker 2 (10m 31s): Yeah. 
 
 Speaker 0 (10m 32s): So how did you manage to cope 
 
 Speaker 2 (10m 34s): Exactly? Yeah. you know, I really struggled to cope actually. you know, I had my group of friends, but then my group of friends started making new friends. And I, my, that's when like, like I said, my anxiety just really kind of shot up because I was uncomfortable in new situations. So constantly having to meet new people. I was a child who, anytime I was called on or, you know, put in a new situation, my face would would blush. And so I really just hated attention and I hated these new situations. 
 
 So I did what I could to avoid them, but that really wasn't that possible, you know, being a, a 12 year old or 11, 12 year old at a new school. So I just pretty much lived in a pretty consistent state of being uncomfortable. And I, you know, still was able to do well in school. I didn't withdraw. I still just kind of pushed through and had the support of my parents to kind of keep going. It'll get better. And really, it's not that I got less anxious, it was more that I was able to just kind of normalize that anxiety and just live with it a little more. 
 
 And, and so that definitely was able to get a little bit better with time. 
 
 Speaker 0 (11m 48s): And, and I mean, I guess because if you got two older at the school, you didn't get picked on because, 
 
 Speaker 2 (11m 57s): Well, you know, it's funny 'cause Well, 
 
 Speaker 0 (11m 59s): Did your older sisters pick on you? 
 
 Speaker 2 (12m 1s): No, no, but my, so my oldest sister was about five years older than me, so we weren't in school together, but my second sister is two years older than me. So when I was in sixth grade, we were in the same school and Amy was very confident and popular and just social and just very opposite of me in that way. So she had a great time and everything was really comfortable for her. And not that that it, it didn't lead to me being picked on or anything, but if anything it led to more attention from older kids. 
 
 They'd say, oh, you're Amy's sister. And then just having to interact with more new people just added to my anxiety and nervousness, So, it was just this constant state of social anxiety that I was living through as a 12 year old pretty much on a daily basis 
 
 Speaker 0 (12m 49s): Basis. Brilliant, Brilliant. So in, in, in your your middle school then, what were the, what were your, what were the, what was subject did you just didn't wanna get outta bed for in the morning? What you didn't want to go outta school for? Did you have any of those? 
 
 Speaker 2 (13m 6s): I, you know, I, I don't like the, I don't like saying this, but I never liked history. And I, the reason I don't like it is because it's really important and it's something that I just was never drawn to in middle school. I still, you know, loved math. I liked writing a lot and that's when I started kind of having more of an interest in science. I went to a really high achieving school that even started in middle school. It was people were, would get competitive and it really mattered, you know, how smart you were and how many advanced classes you were in. 
 
 And so I felt like I was just kind of putting pressure on myself in a lot of ways to keep up. So I was throwing myself into these classes that I wasn't the best at And that also gave me added pressure and kind of got in my head a little bit. So I've always been a child has put a lot of pressure on themselves, whether it's just internally or the way that I'm interpreting it from others. But even at an early age in middle school, I felt like I had to take all the highest achieving classes that I could and do the best that I could and still do the best that I, that I could in sports and things like that. 
 
 And So, it was, it was a lot in hindsight. 
 
 Speaker 0 (14m 22s): Hmm, So, you kind of enjoyed it then. 
 
 Speaker 2 (14m 27s): There were definitely parts that I enjoyed and then a lot of it was just really uncomfortable. It was just, it wasn't fun, it was scary. It was a lot of new things that I was worried about being bad at or being embarrassed about, which I think is the case for a lot of, you know, preteen, you know, that, you know, 11 to 14 year old age. I definitely fell into that where I just was really afraid of, you know, looking stupid or doing anything that would embarrass me. 
 
 And I just took that on so much that and made it so much bigger than it was. Which again, something that a lot of young kids do. But I definitely took on a lot of those things and thought that they would follow me further and make such a bigger deal in my life than they really in hindsight did at the time. 
 
 Speaker 0 (15m 16s): So was it, was the, the middle school the same as your elementary or, or is a totally different school? Did you have to get on a big yellow bus every day to get to school? 
 
 Speaker 2 (15m 25s): Totally different school. So thankfully I lived close enough that I was able to, my mom, my mom or neighbors, we kind of carpooled as, as a kid with the neighborhood group. And so that was easy. So it was quick, a quick and painless drive to school at least. It was very close that, but that was, that was a large school. And then my high school was significantly larger as well. And So, it was kind of as soon as I'd kind of start to build that comfort kind of in one of the schools, then I'd have to move on to the next one and start over. 
 
 Speaker 0 (16m 1s): So let's have a look at your high school then. So you, you've moved school again and did you have to take the bus or still got dropped off? 
 
 Speaker 2 (16m 10s): So at this time, my sister Amy was in high school and she was able to drive. So we were able to, I was either able to carpool with neighbors or then when she was able to drive, I was able to go with her. But my high school was large So. it was I think almost 2000 kids and So. it was, it was busy, it was a lot. And it was, I mean, being a 14 year old in school with 17 to 18 year olds, it's really wild to think about how there's such an age difference and a maturity difference and a development difference. 
 
 And so that of course, once again felt very scary and took a lot to get comfortable. One thing that definitely helped me was playing sports. And so that was something that, okay, I know that I can be good at this and this is like the one thing that I have kind of in a way as a comfort blanket. Although it still, you know, brought about some stress. But for the most part that was the thing that I was able to bring with me and be good at and know that I kind of have in my back pocket as kind of a, a safety mechanism. 
 
 Speaker 0 (17m 17s): So what sports were you playing? 
 
 Speaker 2 (17m 20s): So I played basketball since the age of eight competitively. And then I started playing hockey or field hockey, as we call it, in America, in high school. And I loved, I loved sports, I loved the competition, I loved and a lot of elements like the planning and the discipline and structure of it really resonated with me or, or I just got really accustomed to it. I don't, I don't know which, which was first, but it was something that allowed me to, you know, it took up, it took up a lot of time and a lot, it was mostly really fun for the most part. 
 
 And because it was so time consuming, I had to be really disciplined and structured with my schoolwork. And so I developed really routine times and parts of my life at a really, at a young age. I mean really starting in middle school, but especially in high school, I had to be very regimented with my homework and my schedule so that I was able to participate in sports and still be successful and do well. And So it definitely taught me about routines and, and scheduling and being disciplined at an early age. 
 
 Speaker 0 (18m 26s): So you in your high school then, were you able to choose what subjects you did and, and, and you could drop a few subjects? 
 
 Speaker 2 (18m 35s): Yeah, so we did have some control over our schedule, so, and our coursework. So I became really interested in science. I knew that I wanted to be, I knew that I wanted a, a role in healthcare. I wasn't sure for my career. I wasn't sure what that, what that was. And the high school that I went to was really big on, you know, start thinking about what you wanna do for your careers and for college or whatever's next at an early age and start preparing for that. And so I realized in my freshman year, my ninth grade in high school, that science was, you know, really important for healthcare and something that I was interested in and especially the deeper that I got into it and kind of more specific coursework, especially things like anatomy and physiology and whatnot I was really interested in. 
 
 So I loved having that ability to choose and then, excuse me. And then I was able to choose less history courses, which I still, in hindsight wish that I would've given a little more emphasis to. But, but yeah, So, it was really great. So by, as my high school career kind of progressed, I was able to focus more and more on the classes that were most suited to me, which was really science and unfortunately that meant, and science and math and unfortunately that meant that writing really just kind of fizzled out for me. 
 
 I just didn't make time for it. I was a little too focused in a different direction and so I just kind of let that go. 
 
 Speaker 0 (20m 5s): So coming towards graduation then, did, did, did you have like two proms and a, so and your first year and your last year? Or did you just have the one when you graduated? 
 
 Speaker 2 (20m 19s): So we, they, my high school was interesting and I don't know what, what it's like for most high schools today, but we kind of did some type of event like that for every grade, for every year. And so we did have a senior prom and we had, I don't even remember what they called the other ones, but we had some type of event at the end of the year, which was nice 'cause it was able to celebrate everyone outside of just the seniors. so that was, so that was always fun as well. 
 
 Speaker 0 (20m 44s): So did you graduate with honors? Did you, did you do a, a straight A student at the end? How did you get on 
 
 Speaker 2 (20m 52s): So it? Good question. So I was not a straight A student. I was someone who I did the best that I could to still be considered in honors and advanced placement classes. But I still didn't, I was still so focused on sports and a lot of my, a lot of my friends and my peers were really smart and it was really intimidating in a lot of ways. 'cause even though I was smart, I still just, I felt like I wasn't good enough. And so I really leaned into sports and kind of thought, you know, basketball or field hockey will be what helps me excel and get into the college that I want to and things like that. 
 
 So while I did really focus on school, it wasn't nearly to the level. I mean I, a lot of my friends were all 4.0 straight a students. And. I was behind that, not by too far, but definitely that wasn't totally me until college is really when I kind of got into gear with school and really took that on as more of a focus. 
 
 Speaker 0 (21m 53s): Okay. Let's have a look at your college then. What college did So you go to? Yeah, so 
 
 Speaker 2 (21m 58s): I went, I went to a school called Ithaca College. It's in upstate New York. It's a small liberal arts college. And I initially went there, well because I wanted to for academics, but also because I was able to plan their field hockey team, their hockey team. And so I really was excited about that. I was excited about the prospect of playing sports in college. Not that I thought that this would lead to a career as an athlete, but it was more just, this is something I'm good at and this is something that I enjoy doing. 
 
 And I learned really quickly. 
 
 Speaker 0 (22m 30s): Quickly. So did you get scholarship? 
 
 Speaker 2 (22m 33s): I didn't. So the type of school that it, it was, they don't offer scholarships for athletes, it's just for academics. So I was able to get an academic scholarship, which was nice, but, but not for, for hockey. But I realized pretty quickly how different it was. you know, I played on a variety of sports teams throughout my childhood and in high school. And for the most part there was always some element of fun. And in college it just really wasn't fun. 
 
 My coach was, 
 
 Speaker 0 (23m 8s): They took the fun outta it. 
 
 Speaker 2 (23m 10s): Well, And, you know, I loved, I loved my teammates, I loved a lot of it. However, I had a very verbally abusive coach who ended up pushing me out of it because I was just miserable. My, it really just ramped up my anxiety even more. I took all of, all of the joy out of it. And so my second year of college I actually left the team and I'm really grateful for that because it was, it was really the first time in my life that I realized that I don't have to just do something just to do it. 
 
 I can let my mental health take more of a priority because, you know, all through, frankly, you know, going backwards all through high school I tried various forms of therapy. I tried various forms of anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. I really just tried what I could, but I wasn't, nothing was really clicking. And so I just kind of continued pushing forward and I started drinking a lot of alcohol and doing other drugs and really just my only form of therapy that, you know, seemingly worked for me, let's say, was escaping and self-medicating in other ways. 
 
 And so in college I realized that I can say, no, I don't have to do this. And with sports I enjoyed most of it, but there were a lot of times that I didn't, there were a lot of times it was hard and I cried a lot and felt, you know, really alone or like a failure or like, I was letting my team down if I wasn't good. And not to say that, you know, I should just quit everything. But I think there were some moments when I could have pulled back earlier and taken a break to kind of focus more on myself because it wasn't everything, it wasn't my whole life, it wasn't my priority, but I made it that and thought that this is the most important thing that I have to give to others and constantly be, you know, the best and whatnot and the best for my team, the best for other people. 
 
 I can't let people down. And it, it really caught in my head. So when I got to college and my coach, who was just unfortunately really challenging and we ended up having multiple people from our, our team quit outside of me. But it was, it was definitely a good moment where I recognized, you know what, I'm actually doing something for me for the first time. And something for my mental health. And I was really proud of that at the time. 
 
 Speaker 0 (25m 37s): So what courses were you taking then other, other than your sport? What, what, what was the main courses that you were taking? What was your major in? 
 
 Speaker 2 (25m 47s): So my major was clinical exercise science. So I took a lot of, pretty much courses gearing me towards as prerequisites some type of career in healthcare. So a lot of anatomy and physiology, biology, chemistry, lots of general science, lots of like human physiology, lots of movement, biomechanics, things like that. And I really enjoyed it, but I also knew that this wasn't what I wanted to do, but I didn't know what I wanted to do. 
 
 And it's really crazy in hindsight thinking that, you know, you often ask an 18 year old, what do you wanna do with the rest of your life? And, you know, pay all this money to devote four years to this one thing. And And I was never someone who felt drawn to more broad undergraduate degrees. I was like, I need a specific thing that will lead me towards a specific career and a specific goal. And so I started with exercise science and then I realized through that process, at one point I thought I wanted to be a physical therapist, but realized that that wasn't for me and I ended up being drawn towards, drawn towards nursing. 
 
 And so I ended up, after I graduated, going to nursing school in Colorado, which is what actually brought me to Denver Colorado 12 years ago. 
 
 Speaker 0 (27m 8s): Ah, so that's what you did when you, you you graduated college then So? yeah, So. you graduated college and then went to another college to learn nursing. 
 
 Speaker 2 (27m 23s): So we did take a year off, I took a year to work, I worked as a nursing assistant in the town in New York that I lived while I applied for nursing school. And also just wanted to give it a test. Is this something that I really wanted do and get more hospital experience and ensure that this was kind of the right path for me. And so interestingly, I, you know, applied to a bunch of nursing programs. I was getting denied And, I was kind of losing hope. 
 
 And then in June of 2011, early June, 2011, I received a call from the University of Colorado medical campus, which I'd already been rejected from. And they left me a voicemail, I missed the call saying that we'd like to talk to you about admissions for our nursing program. And I remember ta talking to my roommate, laughing thinking, what are they gonna offer me? Admission class starts in a week. And I called the next day and they did, they, they, they called and, and offered me admission and I said, I live in New York class, start in six days. 
 
 And they were like, okay. And so of course I just panicked because I was really overwhelmed and I felt, I just, I felt like, what do I do? And I was always just, you know, I panicked a lot and I, And, I was overwhelmed, And, that was frankly a lot of just never learning how to identify and fully express my emotions. And that's exactly what happened. I was so overwhelmed, I was so panicked. And thankfully I had the support of my parents and friends and everyone just saying, you need to do this, you need to do this. 
 
 So I got rid of a lot of my stuff and I moved out to Aurora Colorado, which is a suburb of Denver and started classes and just kind of, you know, never looked back. It was definitely a, a weird time in retrospect, but it was the best opportunity and I'm so glad that I actually had the courage to jump on it. 
 
 Speaker 0 (29m 24s): So I'm in the accommodation now. Was it in like a nursing home or, or was it private accommodation? Was it university accommodation you moved into straight away? 
 
 Speaker 2 (29m 36s): So I lived in a hotel, like an extended stay hotel for about two weeks and my mom helped me. She, she drove out here and helped me find an apartment that ended up being, because it's a large medical campus for nursing students, medical students, dental, physical therapy, occupational therapy, so all all different types of healthcare and medical programs. And so there ended up being an apartment complex nearby, very close to the campus. 
 
 Thankfully that housed a lot of students. So I ended up moving in there. I was very antisocial and didn't introduce myself to anyone in the, in the neighborhood. I wasn't, I was, I just was, you know, really focused in school. Thankfully I was able to make some friends in my nursing program. But for the most part it was interesting because it was a lot of, it was what's called a second degree nursing program. So everyone had some, a previous degree and this was kind of their second career turn essentially for a lot of people. 
 
 And so most of the people were living in the Denver area or in Colorado and kind of had their lives, they had families, they had friends, they had a whole, you know, foundation here. And I didn't, I was alone by myself and desperately trying to make friends and ended up, you know, meeting some people and putting myself out there, which was great. But for the most part I just got really deep in school mode and that's when I really, you know, found my, like centering for realizing how I really needed to do well. 
 
 And unfortunately on my first day of orientation for nursing school, one of the professors had said some statistic along the lines of, only 60% of you will have a job within the first six months. And, you know, about 30% of you won't even graduate. so that was the fire lit under me where I have to excel and not just excel because I want good grades to get a good job, but also this is stuff that I need to know as a nurse. I need to learn this information so that I can be good at it. And I really just buckle down and turn it into, you know, my job to, to do well and to succeed and learn and, and I did, which was great. 
 
 Speaker 0 (31m 55s): Wow. So how long were you in the nurse training for? 
 
 Speaker 2 (31m 59s): Just under two years. And during that time I also worked as a nursing assistant as well to kind of gain more experience, help get my foot in the door in other hospitals and, and things like that. So, it was definitely, and 
 
 Speaker 0 (32m 12s): It also not pay the bills, I guess. 
 
 Speaker 2 (32m 14s): Yeah, it, it helped a little bit at least. But, but yeah, it was, it was very different from my college experience, which I kind of took on a little bit more of a relaxed form. I recognized that it was still important for me to be social and have fun. But in nursing school I just kind of had my blinders on and was just ready to, to learn and get in to just get through it and do the best that I could. 
 
 Speaker 0 (32m 38s): So you graduated after two years, what was the first job you got? Or was you And that, that sort of 60% that didn't get a job in the first six months? 
 
 Speaker 2 (32m 49s): Thankfully I was not. So I, you know, it's interesting, I went into nursing school thinking I was really interested in cardiology and cardiac care and I thought that was the path for me. It kind of related a little bit to my exercise science background. I always loved kind of cardiac care and things like that, but I ended up in nursing school having one of my clinical rotations in one of the units. It was in a neonatal intensive care unit, so premature sick babies. 
 
 I think prior to that I had held one baby in my entire life and I loved it. It was just, it was so different, it was such a different model, especially for more critical care and I just fell in love with it. And so thankfully in nursing school in your last semester, there's something it's called, we called it our senior practicum, but it was essentially like an internship and you apply to whatever area that you wanna get into because if you wanna get into a specialty center, you really have to have some level of experience through an internship or something like that. 
 
 And so I did every, I did everything that I could to get this internship in the nicu and thankfully I did. And I knew that this was essentially an interview, this was essentially like a four week interview. And so I showed up as prepared and excited, And, you know, positive as I could, ready to learn. And thankfully I ended up applying to a position on that unit and I got the job. 
 
 Speaker 0 (34m 26s): Congratulations. 
 
 Speaker 2 (34m 27s): That was great. Yeah, thank you. It was, it was definitely relieving to, to know that I could kind of go pretty directly from school into really my dream job. That was the job that I wanted. And it's interesting because in that year, I don't remember exactly what prompted my interest, but I started meditating and visualizing and every day for the last, you know, couple months of my nursing program, I would meditate that I passed my, my nursing boards, the exam And that I got my dream job and I did. 
 
 And it was just such a happy and great experience until my first day when I realized, oh my gosh, nursing school hasn't prepared me for this at all. And, and So it was, it was kind of feeling like starting over because in a general sense, I mean nursing school can be pretty general because there's so many different forms of nursing to go into, whether it's in a hospital in a, you know, more home health type of setting in a school, all kinds of things and dealing, and a lot of it is dealing with adults. I was thankfully exposed to the NICU very fortunately, but that was really just kind of by chance in a lot of respects. 
 
 And so they don't really prepare you for the specifics of working in a neonatal intensive care unit. And so I felt like I knew nothing And I was completely starting over, which was very terrified but, or terrifying. But thankfully I had a lot of support and really great coworkers and a really great program where they really emphasized and understood that, hey, this is nothing like nursing school, this is it's whole other own, you know, complete conce. Totally different 
 
 Speaker 0 (36m 6s): Level altogether. 
 
 Speaker 2 (36m 7s): Exactly. Yeah, exactly. 
 
 Speaker 0 (36m 10s): So how long did you work on there? 
 
 Speaker 2 (36m 13s): So I worked there for nine years. And, you know, it's, it's funny, I, I loved so many parts of it for my first year and I, this is the case for a lot of nurses. I know being a new graduate nurse, it's a big test and it really, it's scary and you think you have an idea of what you're getting into, but you're not, especially with, you know, things like working the overnight shifts and working holidays and showing up to work and realizing that you're three nurses short and you still have to kind of get through and managing your, your time and learning how to delegate and all these things. 
 
 And so my first year I hated it and I thought, this isn't for me, but I've already put in all this time and money and effort and like I'm need to just stick it out. Which in that case I'm really glad that I did because I was able to kind of push past and get more comfortable with my own skillset and recognizing areas that I'm not skilled and I'm not knowledgeable. And when to ask for help. And asking for help doesn't mean you're stupid or bad In fact. It means that you recognize your limits because that's the beauty of healthcare and nursing especially, is that you're gonna come across something you've never seen before. 
 
 And so it's, and that's just the way it is. And especially working in a high level neonatal intensive care unit, we saw incredibly rare conditions and very specific things that even some of the nurses who had been there for 30 years had never seen. And so kind of having that awareness to, oh, okay, these are my limits. This is when I need to ask for help. And recognizing that it's okay to ask for help and, and it's expected really. That was huge. And so after my first year definitely felt a little bit more settled and more comfortable and kind of got the pace and the, the shifts and the lifestyle and the sleep schedule and kind of was able to balance all that to really thrive in a much different way than I had originally. 
 
 Speaker 0 (38m 9s): So, you spent nine years there, so bring us a bit more up to date. Why did you leave? 
 
 Speaker 2 (38m 16s): So in December, 2021, I suffered a Traumatic brain injury that it was just, you know, a seemingly innocent accident. It was a fall. I was playing with my friend's kid. We were at this park and they had this stone structure, we were kind of spinning around. I lost my balance and I fell backward and landed on my head. And in the moment I thought I was fine. 
 
 I, you know, kind of did my own neurological assessment, And, you know, I knew where I was, I knew what happened. I was able to, you know, I had my friends ask me questions, things like that. And I thought I was fine. And the next morning I went to bed and then the next morning I woke up and I had massive bruising underneath both of my eyes. And where I hit was in the back of my head, behind my right ear. So I knew from my nursing school days that that meant, it's called a contracoup brain injury, meaning that I hit so hard that my brain smacked into the front of my skull and came back. 
 
 And on top of that I was experiencing nausea and vomiting, which can also be signs of a brain injury as well. And so I ended up, first I didn't go to the hospital because as a nurse I avoided the hospital kind of at all costs. Partially from a denial perspective, but also 'cause I didn't wanna burden people. I know that hospitals are always busy. So I initially went to urgent care and then, then was immediately told, no, you have to go to the hospital. And in the hospital, you know, I was talking to, you know, the nurses, the doctors, the, the aides and everybody. 
 
 And because I was so cognitively, okay, seemingly no one was really that concerned. However, they were concerned with the bruising and the vomiting. And so they decided, okay, let's just go ahead and give you a brain scan. So I had a CT scan to, to see just kind of the structures of my brain if there was anything happening. And I ended up with four levels of massive brain bleeds on top or bleeds on top of my brain, the required emergency brain surgery. Oh yeah. And so that was terrifying. 
 
 I definitely, I mean I had a brief moment of full panic, but then I really just kind of went into nurse mode and denial mode and shock for the most part. Just had to get it done, have to kind of get through. And I ended up, the surgery went really well and I spent about three days in the I C U and then went home and I thought, you know, okay, now it's just kind of adjusting to, you know, I was experiencing a lot of pain, common symptoms from a brain injury. 
 
 You know, you are very exhausted, you need to rest a lot, you can't really tolerate a lot of noise or light or a stimulation. So I was really just kind of resting, relying on the help of, you know, my family flew out here and support from others. And also just kind of learning how to navigate. I had about, I have a scar that's about six inches here and I had about almost 50 staples in my head. So kind of figuring out how to sleep that was, you know, kind of at the time the most concerning thing to me. 
 
 'cause it really still hadn't set in. And then I ended up having a lot of significant complications after. So I had about two weeks after I had a seizure, and I also developed a life-threatening reaction to a medication that's called Stevens Johnson Syndrome. And I reacted to this seizure medication in a way that it just kind of set my body into a full infl, infl inflammatory, excuse me, response. And had to come off of that. 
 
 And then I ended up from overdoing it, even when I thought that I was resting and thought that I was taking it easy, I ended up developing a new brain bleed. And so at one of my follow-up appointments, they were just routinely doing brain scans to make sure that the remainder of the bleeds, that they weren't able to train, that they were resolving. And they mostly had been. And about a month out, I, the bleed had gotten bigger indicating that it was an active bleed as opposed to being a hematoma or clotted. 
 
 And at this point I had to completely shut down what I was doing and basically be on like a modified bedrest, you know, no housework, no leaving the house, no walking, no nothing. And I was forced to just rest and heal. And during that time they, the way that neurology, it's very reactive. And so instead of, you know, constantly doing CT scans, 'cause you know that can be a lot of radiation, inexpensive, they scheduled a CT scan for about a month after that appointment and said, just watch your symptoms and watch how you're feeling and if things get worse, come back sooner. 
 
 So my anxious brain was completely sent into a tailspin. I was, you know, not only just constantly panicked that I was gonna have to have another brain surgery or that I could die, you know, just the type of bleed that it was, it's, it's kind of more of a slow chronic bleed where you can just be fine and then all of a sudden you're not. And so between that, I was panicked, but then also by being forced to do nothing, truly nothing, you know, can't be on your phone, can't have screens, that's not good for your brain. 
 
 And so I was just so in my head, And, I was And, I was realizing through all this, I much I did to avoid being in my head and how I was constantly busy, you know, and constantly doing other things as a lot of way in a lot of ways to escape my own thoughts. And when I was being forced to sit with them, it was just miserable. And I just completely hit rock bottom And, you know, my anxiety, my depression, my panic attacks, everything was just taking over every moment of my life, excuse me. 
 
 And thankfully one day, I don't know what it, I don't know what shifted, but I was just staring at the ceiling. 'cause there weren't really a lot of activities that I could do. And I just had this realization that if I don't change my mindset and believe that I'm gonna heal, I'm not going to. And so I started meditating again, which I hadn't done in a long time. Started visualizing myself Healing, I started listening to podcasts and audio books about Healing, And, you know, the power of belief and ways to shift your mindset so I could really just truly believe that I was capable of Healing for the first time in my life. 
 
 It was, it was wild. And thankfully I ended up during that time really just learn, truly for the first time in my life, learning how to actually rest and take care of myself and, and, and also just shifting my beliefs and a lot have how I talked to myself and felt about myself. And I was able to heal that new bleed and not have to have another brain surgery. 
 
 Speaker 0 (45m 35s): Wow. So meditation is very, very powerful. 
 
 Speaker 2 (45m 43s): Absolutely. you know, it's something that I, I started doing in nursing school and I would kind of do it intermittently. I had read, I'm, I'm a big fan of, you know, seeing the research behind stuff and I knew that there was so much research behind the benefits of meditation in so many ways for your mental health, your physical health, longevity, sleep stress, all the things. But when I would do it, I would often do a guided medi, like guided meditations that I would find on YouTube And. I was never really getting out of my head. I was basically just laying down constantly, just perseverating over my own thoughts. 
 
 And then I'd usually feel like I needed to get out of it before the meditation was even over. So, I mean, I was technically doing it, but really I wasn't doing it. And just 
 
 Speaker 0 (46m 26s): Going through emotions. 
 
 Speaker 2 (46m 27s): Yeah, yeah, exactly. And thinking, oh, this is it. I'm doing it great. And after the brain injury, when also I was really forced to rest from a brain Healing perspective, but also my brain just couldn't tolerate being awake for very many hours. So I would meditate multiple times a day for 30 minutes to an hour. And I would just, for the first time ever be able to really kind of relax and get into my body and just truly feel relaxed and kind of clear my head a little bit more. 
 
 And it was, it was so powerful. And especially during that time, I would do a lot of visualizing that, you know, I'd gone to my doctor's appointment and they had told me that I, that my bleed had healed or that I could do, you know, math and things again, because during this time I lost the ability to do math, even just basic condition. I was really struggling with my speech. I couldn't find words. My short-term memory was terrible. I, you know, all these cognitive deficits that weren't really that present at the beginning really just got worse with time. 
 
 And so I was able, since I, since during that time, I wasn't able to do my speech therapy or any of the homework or anything that they'd given me prior. I had to kind of hard stop all that. So I was visualizing my brain Healing and me being able to speak normally again and to, you know, do math and do these higher, more complex level problems that I wasn't able to do at the time. 
 
 Speaker 0 (47m 59s): Wow. So, it brings us right up to date then. How are, how are you now? 
 
 Speaker 2 (48m 5s): So from, you know, a brain perspective, I mean, it's crazy to think how much I've healed. I, you know, for probably about six months, I really struggled with noise and lights and being in public. And I would just get these piercing headaches and just, I would have this ringing in my ears that would completely take over and I would develop migraines. And I just couldn't tolerate really being around people and doing anything. And, and then on top of that, you know, I was struggling with all these other cognitive things, but I was able to, after my bleed healed, go back to speech therapy. 
 
 And I also did occupational therapy to help focus on balance and dizziness and a lot of, you know, managing the symptoms that I was experiencing, And I was going, you know, a couple times a week for many, many months, And that I was going home and doing as much homework for that as I could tolerate because I was just so, I knew that I had to advocate for myself and fight for myself to get better because I knew that I knew how important it was. And at the time I started listening to a lot of books about neuroscience and neuroplasticity and how, not just from a brain injury perspective, but just in any way our brains really are adaptable and kind of moldable based on how you utilize it. 
 
 And so I use that for Healing my brain injury, but I also use that for learning to deal with my anxiety and to have, you know, more positive beliefs about myself and about, you know, my health and whatnot. And I took on as many, you know, personal development programs and things and just took in as much learning as I could to really shift my brain in as many ways as I could. And, and thankfully I was able to, and one of the most powerful things that I was able to learn during that time was that I was not healthy as a nurse. 
 
 And so for my last five years as a nurse, I worked as a charge nurse, meaning that I was in charge of the unit. So we were a very large unit taking very sick babies. And so on night shift I was responsible for running the unit. And. you know, oftentimes we were very short staffed or we were very overburdened. And especially after C Ovid 19 and 2020, everyone was really burnt out. And so I real, during that time especially, I didn't take breaks. 
 
 I would do things to help my coworkers so that they could take breaks and I would just take on so much. And I worked more overtime than anyone else did on night shift for about almost two years. And I just became really unhealthy and I never rested. I didn't really sleep a lot, I was just pushing myself to the max. And with the brain injury that forced me to recognize, well, I couldn't do that when I tried to return to work, it was about five, four and a half months after my injury. 
 
 And even though I was in a limited capacity and I wasn't, you know, fully working as a nurse, I was working shortened hours kind of more as a nursing assistant. And I still couldn't do it. But I kept pushing as if I could. I kept, even though, you know, my coworkers were amazing, everyone was really supportive and really much trying to get me to take breaks and take it easy and not push it. But I just couldn't do that. I was, it was so ingrained in me to have this really unhealthy pattern at work of just overdoing it. 
 
 And that's when I recognized that, you know, especially with this brain injury, I can't do this anymore, if not now, and maybe not ever. And so June of last year, I decided to leave, which was moderately terrifying, but the best decision that I made because it allowed me to really focus on not just Healing my brain, but also during that time I started learning about and recognizing how much trauma exposure I had had and how much trauma I'd had in my life, in my childhood, in my adulthood. 
 
 I had a lot of other experiences of kind of bizarre health problems in my adulthood that were pretty much unexplained. And I think a lot of that was a result of my really heightened nervous system, my fear, my anxiety, and my lack of taking care of myself. So I knew that I needed to really pull back and for the first time in my life, focus on just fully myself and resting and taking care of myself and Healing. And so that's what I did starting last year. 
 
 Speaker 0 (52m 38s): So bring this right up to date. What are you doing nowadays? 
 
 Speaker 2 (52m 42s): So I actually wrote a book. So during my Healing journey I was really called to write, which is funny 'cause you know, I loved writing as a kid, but just kind of forgot about it. It, it didn't really matter when it came to, you know, what I thought I wanted to do with my life. So I let it go. And a lot of it was just kind of therapeutic journaling, you know, at first just writing about my feelings and especially when I couldn't do a lot during my brain Healing recovery time, that was, you know, an activity. And it was just a way to get it all out there. 
 
 And I started writing more and more and I had a lot of, of my friends and coworkers, you know, say you should write a book because, you know, on top of the brain injury in my early thirties, I broke my back in five different places on multiple different occasions. I developed a blood clot in my lung. I had neurological issues that led to memory loss. I had all of these weird unexplained health problems that no one could figure out and none of the specialists could figure out. And so I started writing and partially it was, you know, like I said, a little bit more of like therapeutic, like getting things out there. 
 
 But also at the time I had either, once I was able to read, really read again, I started reading And I was also still listening to many audio books about trauma. And a lot of them are really hard to get through and they're very dense and very specific, you know, horrific stories, frankly that can be really triggering and make it really hard to get through. And there were so many, so many books that were really excellent and really, you know, paramount in my Healing. However, it took me multiple attempts of having to truly stop and back away and then go back to trying to read it again. 
 
 'cause it was just, it was too much, it was too painful. And so I wrote a book about my Healing journey, you know, how my brain injury led me to kind of exploring back into my childhood and kind of all of the therapies I've done and all of the lessons that I've learned along the way. And my goal was for it to just be in a much more relatable and digestible form, especially for people who, you know, like me, I had blinders on for really my entire life thinking my life is fine, my life is fine. you know, where I had a near death experience as a child. 
 
 I had abuse situations as a child. I had a lot of physical attacks on my body and young things that happened to me at a young age that really shaped a lot of my brain and a lot of the reasons for my anxiety and nervousness and not feeling safe. And so yeah, it just details kind of my story about all that I learned along the way. And it's just very real in the fact that I still acknowledge to this day I'm still Healing, I'm not, you know, fully healed despite the fact that I've spent the last, you know, year and a half doing very intense forms of therapy, of mindset shifting, trauma, Healing therapies, connecting to my body, all, all different modalities. 
 
 But I still have a lot to go. And so I had some good experiences and I had some really bad experiences and I'm very honest about kind of what that all looked like, because I think it's really important to have more of these, you know, conversations and have more openings to mental health struggles and have just, you know, the realistic side of it as opposed to just, you know, seeing happy people on the internet who seem like they have it all together and feeling really disconnected and isolated because that was, you know, for sure me for a while. I felt like I'm the only one and, and I felt like I also was able to really normalize a lot of my problems because it wasn't really talked about. 
 
 And so now that I've been more open and I've been more vulnerable and connected with more people who also are kind of on similar paths, it's really been reaffirming that I'm doing the right thing and it's really transformed my life in a lot of respects. 
 
 Speaker 0 (56m 36s): Brilliant. So where can people find your book? 
 
 Speaker 2 (56m 40s): So my book, it's called, no, I'm not fine, thank you. And it is currently available on Amazon. It will soon be getting outwards into bookstores, but at the time it's currently on Amazon. There's also a link to it on my website, which is Laura Renner dot me, and also on my website you can connect with me. I'm happy to answer questions and you can directly message me. But also, I do have a free resource guide called The Beginner's Guide to Trauma Healing, where I go through a lot of the specific resources that I used. 
 
 you know, free YouTube videos. I'm a big, big fan of meditation. I'm a big fan of emotional freedom, technique tapping. So I have resources for that. I also have just kind of general, more background for a lot of the therapies that I used and how to get connected with therapists and providers and just other tools to kind of help people Healing it better. 
 
 Speaker 0 (57m 35s): Brilliant. Now question. Is it available as an audible? 
 
 Speaker 2 (57m 41s): Not yet. So, no. so that is my next step. So I definitely, that is fresh on my mind to start getting that ready, because I definitely also want to record it myself because the way that I wrote my book, it's very much in line with how I speak and just my personality and so that's important to me. so that will be coming soon, but not available yet. 
 
 Speaker 0 (58m 2s): Brilliant. Brilliant. Well, Laura, amazing story. thank you. thank you for sharing it. 
 
 Speaker 2 (58m 10s): Thank you so much for having me. This has been really great. I appreciate it. 
 
 Speaker 0 (58m 14s): You're most welcome. Well, Laura what a, what a lovely story. What a lovely lady. I'll put the all the descriptions where you can find a book and and stuff in the description. So until the next one, TT F n Tatar. For now, 
 
 Speaker 1 (58m 37s): The Tim Heale Podcasts Ordinary people's extraordinary stories. 
 
 Speaker 0 (58m 43s): Welcome to the Tim Heale podcast, Ordinary people's extraordinary stories and Everyday, Conversations, Regarding, Mental Health, and live awesome quizzes on a Tuesday. If you'd like to watch these episodes, rather than listen, if you go over to YouTube and type in Tim Heale Nine or Ordinary People's Extraordinary Stories or Everyday Conversations Regarding, Mental Health, or Live, or some quiz, you'll find it on YouTube and you can watch and see who I've been talking to. 
 
 You can also take part in the quizzes after the event and put your scores in the chat box to see who else has done well. You'll also find the links in the description below. thank you for your time.