The Watchman

Robin Hood is a complete waste of time

November 26, 2018
The Watchman
Robin Hood is a complete waste of time
Chapters
The Watchman
Robin Hood is a complete waste of time
Nov 26, 2018
The Watchman
This is a review of the 2018 film Robin Hood
Show Notes Transcript

There's no way around it, the most recent (2018) tale of Robin Hood is an absolute stinker. I don't know what they were on when they decided to make this! Find out why this movie has been so universally panned in this review. #RobinHood2018 #MovieReview

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Speaker 1:
0:00
Did anyone see the trailer for this and think, oh yeah, that's going to be really good.
Speaker 2:
0:09
The character.
Speaker 1:
0:12
Sure. If Robin Hood has appeared in countless movies and has been part of folklore for over 600 years. In recent times, we've seen him as a cartoon Fox with Disney and upper class twit and time bandits, a prince of thieves, Amanda Tights, and a less than Mary version played by Russell Crowe. So when the question was asked as to whether or not we wanted or needed another robin hood movie, who the fuck at summit entertainment or lionsgate signed the check and said, yes, that's exactly what we need. Everyone is with. This is our shot,
Speaker 1:
0:52
is the plan. I would have loved to see how they pitch this movie and what drugs were involved. There's just no good reason I can think of to make what would have to be the biggest waste of time of 2018 director auto bathurst who has directed a few episodes of peaky blinders and Black Mirror homes. A shocker of a screenplay by Ben Chandler and David James Kelly, who are better known for nothing much. They Superhero Fi, the character of Robin Hood. He's a medieval Batman with no gadgets, bad jokes and accustomed that looks like it was purchased from h and m during the black Friday sales. The story sees a wealthy robin shack up with maid Marian, who he meets when she tries to steal a horse from his stable. They engage in an implied ongoing Shag fest until Robin is drafted by the sheriff of Nottingham to go and fight in the Crusades and you know he's been drafted because he gets a big letter saying draft notice that looks like something. Wiley Coyote sourced from acme. He goes off to fight for England mates, little John who is a more on the opposing side. He returns to England, finds out his land has been repossessed by the sheriff in the name of the war effort meets little John Again, finds Marion robs from the rich, gives to the poor and leads the people in a revolt against the sheriff's oppressive regime.
Speaker 1:
2:24
The cast are all highly capable actors that have been given a pile of shit to make a Pavlova out of Taran Edgerton, who I find to be quite likable, is stuck with this wannabe hip reimagined. The Bruce Wayne. I mean Luke Skywalker, I mean Robert of Loxley, Jamie Fox, who we know concerning Oscar winning performances, if he puts his mind to it plays an off the mark and underutilized Alford. I mean ob one. I mean Mr Miyagi, I mean, sorry, little John. Ben Mendelsohn, one of my favorite Australian actors is typecast to playing director Krennic. I mean that guy from ready. Player one. I mean the sheriff of Nottingham, another Ozzie, the incredibly talented team mentioned that makes his motion picture debut as an utterly forgettable Friar Tuck. Jamie Dornan is 50 shades of shit as well. Scarlet F Marie Abraham pops up as cardinal. Who Cares? And Eve Houston, the daughter of none other than youtube. Bondo is just awful as Marion with one of the most jarring accents I've seen since the time. Anything Kevin Costner did, he did for you. This is intolerable hatred for me. Come from.
Speaker 1:
3:35
It's made infinitely worse by some really poor design choices. The main cast all look like they've picked up their outfits during the spring sale at Westfield as opposed to anything even close to what the time period would dictate. It's also really easy to pick up who the central characters are because they show up looking like they've had a bath, which we know was far from an English tradition at the time. They're set against the backdrop of grubby peasants so they stand out like dog's balls. This is particularly the case with Marion who's working in the slums but looks immaculate in every scene, painfully so at the start of the film when she's a peasant horse thief with a mask on tits out, enough funky blue number she would have picked up from Zara. The first thing that happens in this movie is Tuck Shiming in as the narrator to tell the audience, forget what you know about the legend of Robin Hood, which means they're just gonna make shit up and they don't give a fuck about authenticity.
Speaker 1:
4:34
The action pieces suck. In the early crusade scenes, they have tried some weird Black Hawk down meets monty python and the holy grail ship where apparently it's practical to use a bow and Arrow in close quarter combat. There's a rocky four star training montage that involves Robin benchpressing wagon wheels and the whole thing looks like it's been shot in an amusement park and they top it off with a terrible cgi horse chase across the rooftops and don't even get me started on the machine gun crossbows. It's not even a dumb popcorn movie. It fails on all fronts. The only time I actually loved it was when they use the final scene to set up a sequel, which is never going to happen. If this movie was an internal organ, it would be your appendix. It serves no real purpose and you can totally live without it. Robin Hood gets one out of five.
Speaker 2:
5:38
This is well adaptable under five.
Speaker 1:
5:48
Get him eventually. Don't forget to subscribe, leave a comment, tell me what you think, and if you want more straight cheating reviews, head over to the watchman.com dot a u.