2022: Becoming a Better Listener

I love setting vision for a new year! One of my personal goals for 2022? Becoming a better listener!

In today's conversation we'll unpack what actually makes a good listener, and debunk what we've believed about listening to others well. 

Transcript

Hey friend, welcome back to a nother episode of The sowhat podcast. My name is Anna McGuire. And I'm so excited to have a conversation with you today about sowing intentionally into our lives so that we can reap abundantly. And the days, weeks, months and even years to come. Well, 2022 is upon us. And I don't know about you, but I really do love making new goals for the new year. I know some people say like, I don't like resolutions, and I don't like making new goals for the year like I you know what I do, I just do, I find that there's something refreshing and even transformative about a new year, a new season a new calendar, to establish some things that you want to pursue and own in your life. So some people, they may not even like set a specific goal, I have really close friends that it's like that's their they have a word for the year or a theme for the year. That's awesome. Some people have like specific measurable goals like I want to, you know, complete this race or I want to pay off this much debt, whatever it may be. Whatever it is, like if you have like a word or a theme or a goal for the year, I think that is brilliant. I love it. Take advantage of January 1, in my experience, setting out the new year with some intentions, and plans and goals and dreams. It has been hugely beneficial to me. In 2021, Andrew and I set out with some pretty ambitious goals for us, as a family, in our business, in our personal lives as individuals. And can I just tell you, when we set out those intentions, and we had those goals, with a lot of work and a lot of grace from Jesus, we've seen many of those goals come to pass. And I don't think those things would have just happened, had we not had some goals or some plans or some vision for it. You know, Scripture says it's one of my favorite verses. It says where there is no vision, the people perish. Meaning when there is no, like clear direction in which you're going. People get weary people get tired, they fall away. And so I think it's so important to have vision and purpose and goals and dreams for life. And again, the goals aren't who we are. Like the plans aren't who we are like, it's not like we're nothing until we achieve something. However, I think that we all have purpose. And we're all created with amazing gifts, talents and abilities to do good works. Not that that is who we are. But we have gifts, talents and abilities, man to enjoy life and to bless other people. Well heading into 2022, I have a handful of goals, specific goals, I actually do have a word for this next year that I really set up on my 29th birthday. So November of 2021, I decided okay, this is going to be my word. So I've never actually done that where I've had like a singular word. For the years. I'm really excited about that. I'll probably share about that in a future episode. But I wanted to share with you one of my top goals for 2022. Now, I would think that a lot of times that I'm a decent listener, I'm a counselor, I'm a pastor. However, I found myself this last year, not being fully present all the time, when I was with people. I had moments where I would like walk away having a full blown conversation with somebody and be like, Wait, what did they say again. And then I it dawned on me like I was listening. But I wasn't necessarily like hearing them or I was hearing them but I wasn't listening, like I could hear their voice but I wasn't listening to the words coming from their mouth. So in this new year, I want to be a better listener. That is one of the top goals of my year is I want to be a better listener. And this isn't like a measurable goal that I can say like after 37 conversations, I will know that I'm a better listener. But it's something that I want to pursue and I hope my relationships flourish and grow and are strengthened as a result of that, in my experience, and from what I've experienced walking with other people is that we think that being a good listener comes down to three things we think it's not talking when others are speaking, giving good like nonverbal cues like facial expressions like hmm, nodding the head, just to let them show like no and show that you are listening. That's the second thing. And then the third thing is that we're able to summarize or repeat back to others what they have said practically word for word in some cases. And in my master's program for counseling, these were all actually things that we were taught about being a good listener and all that these are elements to being a good listener. I have experienced in my own life, you can do all three of these things and actually not be a good listener, that you can not talk when other people are speaking you can give nonverbal like cues, you can give some good verbal sounds like Mm hmm. And you can repeat and summarize back with the person who said, but still not hear them. So, as I've done some research and some studying, I've done some studying with like a Harvard Business Review, and some psychology books about being a better listener. And these are some things that I have pulled, as I've been studying for my own personal life, that I've thought, Oh, my goodness, I want to share this with my friends, on so what? So all of this data that's been analyzed by all these different organizations, they say, yes, that not speaking, when other people are speaking, obviously, that is a key ingredient to listening and giving the nonverbal and the facial expressions and that is good. And then being able to summarize is great. However, there is like motives behind being a good listener. It's not just the actions, it's the, the attitude and the motive in which you set out when you are speaking with someone. And so here's one thing or multiple things, but that I found at doing my research, reading for myself, that I thought was huge, and I wanted to share with you. So the first thing that I found that I thought was so good is that good listeners, they are much more than just silent while the other person talks.
Again, you want to be quiet, so that you can listen that you're not interrupting and doing all those things. But a really good listener. They ask good questions. They ask good questions, good listeners ask good questions. They don't they make less statements and ask more questions. The first person that comes to my mind, when I read this is actually my friend, Allie Bowman, who was actually on. So what at the very beginning of the season, she was the one that we did the, the grief episode with, and she shared her story, and it was absolutely phenomenal. She is amazing at asking good questions. And anytime I sit down with Allie, and I share my heart with her. I know she's listening. Because the questions, she asks me in return, she asks me questions that not many people ask me, like, I'll share with her something exciting. And she's like, Oh, that is so good. Like, where did that come from? And I'm like, oh, you know, I don't know where that came from. Let me think about it. And you ponder it. And so she invites me to share more. It's not like she's making statements like, oh, yeah, that's real good. Let me like, share with you my side of things. Now she's no, she's actually promoting me speaking more. It's crazy. So good listeners, they ask questions, and they ask questions to promote, and I loved the Harvard Harvard Business Review put it this way, they ask questions that promote discovery, and insight, these questions gently challenge, you know, assumptions that maybe you had about them, or that you thought that their perspective was going to be going deeper. You sit there silently, and you listen, and you take in what the person is saying. And then ask them more, ask them deeper questions based on what they shared with you. That's one thing that I found that being a good listener is all about, is asking good questions. Asking good questions. The second thing that I found is good listeners. In their interactions of listening, they build the other person's self esteem. They build the other person's self esteem, the Harvard Business Review put it this way, the best listeners made the conversation a positive experience for the other party, which doesn't happen when the listener is passive. Oh, that's so good. Good listeners, made the other person feel supported and conveyed. And they had confidence in them. Good listening is characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences could be discussed openly. I just love that. A great example of this, my pastor Jason, he talks about when you sit down with someone, do they walk away thinking man, you're awesome, or do they walk away from that conversation saying, I'm awesome. And he talks about in a lot of our teachings, his leadership teachings, how great leaders when people sit down with you, instead of them walking away and saying, Oh, you are awesome. This leader is awesome, that they're walking away saying I'm awesome. Good listeners, give confidence make the other person feel safe. Make the other person feel like a rock star. And that's really where, you know asking the good questions come from is that you show them man, you are so valuable, and your opinion matters. And I want to know more about you because you are that special. So good listeners, they ask good questions. They build the other person's self esteem. And then here's the next part is that good listeners is a two way conversation. So poor listeners, they are seen as like competitive and they're listening and I have been guilty of this. hundreds, if not 1000s of times, is that somebody shares something and like, I can't wait to respond back like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, me too. Me too. Me too, or yeah, in my experience, like anybody, like, Does that resonate with you? Because it totally resonates with me, good listeners, they, they don't sit there in silence and prepare for their next response. Instead, good listeners, just sit. And they listen, for the sake of listening, not wanting to win the words of like, I'm speaking more or my side is being shared, but truly listening, that it is a two way street, like good listeners, they see that conversations are two way conversations can't happen. Just you know, with one person sitting there, they could be doing that with a wall. It has to be two way.
So what I'm being challenged on even in this moment in this season, is when somebody else is speaking, I'm silent. And I'm not preparing my response, like a statement. I'm trying to sit there and chew through what the person is sharing, being fully engaged with them, and really having some good questions to prompt discovery and insight of that person. Again, I am not a veteran trophy, I guess a winner in this area I have seen in this year, man, this is where I need to grow. I feel like the Lord has shown me multiple moments was like Anna, you could have been a better listener there. And I want to grow in that. And so 2022 It is my year to grow. In my listening skills, it is my year, to be a better listener to ask better questions that when people have conversations with me, my hope. And my goal is they walk away feeling like a rock star because they felt safe. And they felt felt heard by me. And here's my invitation. This year, I would love for you to go on the journey with me, of 2022 being the year of listening growth becoming a better listener. And again, this can't be like a quantified thing. Like it's unfortunately, it's not like you know, something that you can measure each and every day. But I do believe it is something that is felt by you. And it is felt by the people around you. And I have found even in just the last few days, as I've really been trying to lean into this area. I have felt different in my interactions with people I have felt like they've been more genuine interactions. And I feel like I'm walking away with deeper connection. So friend, I hope that you'll choose that this year. And this season, maybe even right now today as you're interacting with people that you will want to grow in the area of listening with me taking the time not just being silent, not just nodding and giving anything. Yeah, Mm hmm. Or summarizing what they they said, but instead, sitting with them, not preparing a statement. But really engaging, having great questions, taking in what they're saying. And then really, as you're taking it and sitting with them, not competing when it comes to sharing words, that you're allowing the other person to feel safe and then as a result of feeling safe, feeling more confident and feeling like their esteem is lifted. So, friend, I'm always in your corner, and I'm cheering you on. And as crazy as this may sound I feel you all cheering me on in this in this next year of life. I hope friend you have an amazing new year. And that this is a year where your relationships flourish and are healthier than ever before. I love you friend, and I can't wait to talk to you next week.