Breaking Free: Jessica Evan’s Journey from a Cultlike Church to Self-Love

In this powerful episode, we dive into the inspiring story of Jessica Evans, a brave individual who defied the clutches of a cultlike church and embarked on a profound journey of self-discovery, liberation, unconditional self-love. 

Through candid conversations, Jessica reveals the process of shedding the victimhood that had plagued her for years. She opens up about the doubts, fears and uncertainties she encountered on her path to liberation and how she overcame them with resilience and determination.  

Jessica Evans is the author of the book Fade To Light and shares her story of leaving a closed religious society that refers to itself as “The Truth.” The book follows her travels as she wrestles with finding identity. Eventually it’s clear what is needed most—to learn unconditional love. This love is very different from what was experienced growing up within the boundaries of the Truth’s rulebook. 

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Connect with Jessica:

• Website: www.jessica-evans.ca
• Insta: https://www.instagram.com/jessica.evans.writes/
• FB: https://www.facebook.com/jessica.evans.writes/
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jessicaevans/ 

Listen in as Jessica talks about:

• How she escaped from a cult-like church, which meant losing everyone who had known her at that point in her life.
• How she learned to drop victimhood and love herself unconditionally.
• The practices, resources and support systems that helped her rebuild her life and cultivate self-love from the ground up.  

Ep

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Transcript

I left the church via what is called a fade. I moved. I moved three times, I think, in about a year or something so that my records got lost. So they didn't know no one knew which CONGREGATION I was supposed to be in and I, I lied a lot. I told my parents said I was going to this congregation I told, I just I lied a lot and I cut off every friend that I still had left in the truth before they could cut me off. 

00:33 

Whether you are a seasoned spiritual seeker, or just starting out on your spiritual path, this podcast has something for everyone. The mission is to inspire enthusiasm for the spiritual part of your journey through unique perspectives around mind, body and spirit. Join me and other enthusiastic souls as we share weekly episodes of how amazing life is when you embrace the spiritual parts of your journey. This and all episodes can be found on my website, TNT spirit works.com. And if you would like to watch the episodes, please check out TNT Spirit works YouTube channel. So grab your favorite drink, sit back and relax because another enthusiastic episode starts now. 

01:19 

Wherever you are in the world, welcome to another episode of enthusiastically spiritual, I'm your host Teresa. So my guest today believes that we all have powers, that everyone has something unique that they can offer the world. This uniqueness is a mix of how you were raised your experience along the way and how you've integrated them. Her name is Jessica Evans and she is here to share her story of leading a close religious society that refers to itself as the truth. The church gave her a rulebook for life that separated members of the truth and the rest of society. Remaining inside the community was good. Being outside that community in Satan's world was bad. The truth keeps close records of all its members who are in good standing. I have invited Jessica here today to share the superpowers that she has unfolded. How it can support you in finding yours too. And her newly released book fade to light about her journey. Welcome, Jessica. Thank you, Teresa. It's so good to be here. I'm glad that we've been able to connect without a doubt. Yeah, because we've known each other for a while. Yeah, yeah, a couple of years during the book, doulas program. And you know, here you are with just getting ready to birth a book and birth a beautiful new baby. So congratulations on the new

birth this year. Thank you a two year gestational period for the book and your traditional gestational period for the baby. And that's the thing about books. You never know how long it's going to take. Right? 

02:50 

Yeah, so this book is your memoir fade to light. So I would love for you to share a bit about the story, your backstory and and how you got to where you're at now. Yeah, absolutely. So as you said in the intro, as well, I was raised in a in a closed religious community, the east coast of Canada. And though the book 

03:13 

I'd say like maybe the first quarter, I do go into some, some specifics about what it was like to be raised in that community. But it's not an expert say, I'm, I'm at peace with my story. And I feel like if I tried to write a memoir, 10 years ago, perhaps there would have been more 

03:31 

resistance or anger or resentment about how I was raised. Whereas now I find I am at peace with it, like you said, the superpowers that we get, I believe that I was meant to have this life. And I have as a result of of leaving that it is by many, many standards, it is a cult I don't need to attach to that. I find that that can be a loaded term for some people, and they think of Waco, Texas and, and things like that, whereas it's a closed society. And in leaving it I lost my origin family. So that's we are estranged, we are formally officially estranged, if you will. And in that I was able to find peace of Not, not needing to pretend to be good. And not needing to have the guilt of being bad. And things like that and just came into such a, a state of calm and contentment, radical self acceptance of my story, discarding and accepting any shame that I had about that story, because it's can be messy, or people say, Oh, I'm so sorry. You don't talk to your parents. And I think, oh, I don't want you to be sorry. Ditching victimhood that took years, years and years. So I'm in my early 40s. Now I left in my early 20s. So we're talking two decades. 

04:58 

of it. 

05:00 

I have having been in and out of, of a victim mentality of this happened to me. And now I'm very feel very empowered in self partnership and self love. Wow. And so yeah, it's interesting how many cults are in different places around the country and the world that a lot of people may not understand or know about. And so it's, I always find it intriguing the journey that people take through that. And then where are you right now that fade to light? So I'm assuming there's something about that the title, correct? Yes, yes, that's the book, see, fade, fade the

light, beautiful. So I left the church via what is called a fade. So there's different ways to leave. And a few of them are more abrupt and more official, if you will, you write a letter and you burn the bridges, or you get kicked out. And I almost got kicked out a number of times. And the book starts with a very, very personal story of the last time I almost got kicked out. And so what I decided to do instead was the Fade. I moved, I moved three times, I think, in about a year or something so that my records got lost. So they didn't know no one knew which CONGREGATION I was supposed to be in. And I, I lied a lot. I told my parents that I was going to this congregation, I told, I just I lied a lot. And I cut off every friend that I still had left in the truth before they could cut me off. And that was a really, that was a really tough chapter that I don't think I gave enough credit to until I wrote this book. Until I really looked at how that felt and how that resonated within me with that conditioning and that experience. For years and years of having, I don't have any friends in my life from before I was 20. 

06:54 

And I think it's interesting, the parallels of that your birthing this book about your you know, your, the struggles, what you came through and coming into the light. And then you're also birthing a new baby. So you're bringing new life into so tell me a little bit about that. And how that's really me. I've got chills I say it, but those parallels is just uncanny. Jessica? 

07:14 

Oh, it's almost it's almost as someone who 

07:19 

I do have I do try to have a lot of trust in the divine and in the process and what have you, this is still just a little bit to what 

07:29 

my, I end the book, like, I think that the last, this isn't going to be a spoiler for anyone. But I do say 

07:40 

falling in love with myself has been quite the adventure, a last resort to find mental health, who would have thought that my healthiest relationship would have only one person in it. And that's, that's how the book ended. And I finished writing it over a year ago. And in that time, I got married. Like there's there's a lot in the book about that pressure to be to be married to be a wife to be like a good, good Christian wife and to support my husband and, and everything like that. And I I resisted that as being given to me as my sole identity. And I I chased sports and I chased a career and I excelled and all sorts of, excuse me all sorts of things.

08:27 

So then to get married, after writing this book, where it talks about deep self partnership and self acceptance, being in this relationship with self. 

08:39 

And then for us to make a baby in a very just natural, traditional, easeful way, I'm very, very grateful because I told my partner I said, I've, I felt the calling to be a mom so often, but I needed to not focus on it because I was in a series of not healthy relationships. And I'm very glad that I didn't read with any of those people. 

09:06 

Did you say breed? breed? 

09:11 

That's awesome. 

09:14 

Well, it's interesting to how for all of our journeys, whenever we go through all of life, and there seems like you know, we have to go through struggles and then things as things come doors closed, windows open, things shift. And so it's it seems to me like a beautiful display of how you've clearly done some work on yourself. And then now here comes this new life, you bring it through to, you know, to enjoy the rest of your life with a new a new husband, and then a new baby. And I mean, it's amazing. It's a I'm I'm incredibly grateful and it's still surreal. It's very, very surreal, to be pregnant for my first time, as well, and to be I'm at 33 weeks right now. So 

10:00 

They could come out today and with a bit of medical support, they could survive, you know? Yeah. Yeah. had a daughter keen five weeks early. So yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So it's a possibility and it's just yeah, check back with me because it's still so surreal to be able to do have written this book to become a published author and then to become a parent. It's just, oh. 

10:26 

Here's the next part. Right? Yeah. So like, okay, next chapter. Yep. Yeah, I'm ready for listeners out there that might be struggling with, say they're involved in a, you know, on the hates it a cold? I mean, who knows? Right? Or a situation where they feel safe feels, you know, like, they can't get out of it? What are some advice and some suggestions you would make the people

that might be struggling with relationships, religion or whatever, that they're, they need to kind of, you know, release themselves from like you have? Yeah, I feel it's so important to question just to question the truths that we've been given to be questioned the beliefs that we've been given, because that's where things started with me from, from a young age is an M. And I also want to say like, for some people for where they are in their life, or where they are for this soul journey, if you believe in that sort of thing of, of specific journeys and lessons for each time we come through as a soul, being in a closed community might be something that they need me because people do seek out cults, whereas for me, it was given to me, I was born into it. And I was told that I was superior to everybody else. God loved us the best, we were saved. That never felt right. To me, even as a little one, just really like, that friend at school is so nice. And you're telling me they're going to, they're going to die in Armageddon, like it was, it felt heavy, and it didn't feel right. And so I feel it's so important to listen to our intuition. And to know, like, we, we know, if the relationship isn't working, you know, you can, a person can hear it in their voice when they tell their friends, hey, my partner said this, and this that's not right, when they're seeking approval to be able to free themselves. And I just, there's, there's a practice that I have in the book as well that I call my deep Listen, which is, it's borrowed heavily from yoga, Nidra, essentially, yogic sleep, if you will, of just being able to go into a reclined meditation and just listen in what's what's coming up after there's the the the 

12:47 

is the laundry dry, what am I going to wear tomorrow? What's for dinner? Like, after there's all that stuff to bubble down? And then it's, I don't need to know who I'm listening to? Is it my soul? Is it my higher self is my dead grandmother watching over me is it's an innate knowing, to listen and to know, we know, we know what's right for us. We know the moves we need to make. And I am not in any way discounting the courage that it takes to make those moves. But when you're ready, you're ready. 

13:18 

Yeah, the word that came up as you're talking with strength. 

13:21 

I mean, you really, you've been very obviously a very strong soul. And you came in with this coming into that situation and then go, you know, to move out is, gosh, that takes strength, but you're clearly on a mission, just to and that's exactly what you did. And I don't know, that's what the listeners, you know, if they're in certain situations, there are a lot of people that go, wow, I that strength is just like it comes in. I agree to like your spirit, your intuition, our guts and our spiritual helpers to help us move into what's the next thing we need to really accomplish? Why we're here? Yeah. Yeah. And wait until you're ready. Because courage. I believe that courage is grown. 

14:02 

Without a doubt, but also, I do believe, too, that some of us bring it in with us,

14:08 

of our essence of our soul essence. Because, you know, I look at some people that I was raised with, and I came in a stronger soul, which I'm sure you probably if you look at the people that you were around, and the things they were going through, like there's just the souls come in with the soul essence and what they brought it from before and a lot of us are just here on a journey. We're here on a mission and you know, almost I hate to help it fire but I'm gonna do what I've come to do and things are gonna move out of the way like you did with your situation. Yeah. 

14:39 

Yeah, I look at my story and to be honest, and I say this in the book whenever I was first drifting and fading. A part of it was because I was 19. I was legal drinking age. I liked going to clubs I it wasn't this big, philosophical reckoning that I had as a as an early 20. 

15:00 

A year old it was, it was pretty basic. I wanted to have some fun and I wanted to be away from those restrictions that have been placed on me. But then what it grew into has become far more philosophical and just the belief of Yeah, question, just take the time to question everything, listen to what's right, what feels right. And then just dabbling, when the courage will come up to be able to make those moves. Absolutely. And you know, I love I looked at your website, I love this quote you have on there, it's the goal is to love yourself, like your life depends on it. And when I saw that, yes, I was like, Oh, that is big. The goal is love yourself, like your life depends on it, share some share some good mojo about that one. Yes. 

15:47 

Well, that's, that comes from and that's, that's, that's an innate belief of mine. And that is my encouragement to everybody is that we deserve love. So that's one of the biggest takeaways that I've had from writing this book. And from mulling over and reviewing and like tearing apart and putting back together, the pieces of my experience is, I was raised with conditional love. God loved us if 

16:17 

I do believe that my parents do love me. Absolutely. I do believe that, and I love them. However, we couldn't have a relationship unless, so there's all of these. If this and unless that and even showing up at church with the wrong hem length of my skirt, or too tight of a whatever. Now things are conditional again, okay, then the really good people aren't going to talk to me. So that was something that was that was woven into me from a young age. And I did have I have had some really, really low points. And in the book, I do talk about one of my absolute lowest points where I really seriously considered do I want to continue in this life.

17:02 

Do I want to, I don't know if I can. I just don't know if I can. And that's where I say in that quote that you made of love yourself, like your life depends on it. 

17:17 

Because my life did depend on it that day. And I did decide. It's a line I read in a book of what if I fell in love with myself? And that that concept, just spun it just spun for me of what self love means, you know, because we see there's the memes like the self love bubble bath and the self love scented candle. And and I'm not discounting those things like those are, those are important gestures. But what is it like to be in love with ourselves? Right? I feel real love. I've been in love. There's this encouragement whenever I even liked somebody which I you know, I'm currently not dating because I'm married. But even if I was interested in somebody, I would want the best for them. And they could do no wrong. And I would encourage them, and I would have these dates with people. And they would say, Oh, I can't this or I can't that and I'd be like, No, you're limiting yourself. You're, you're amazing. Don't limit yourself. And then whenever it came to my relationship with Jessica, with myself, I was all sorts of like vile things that you would not stand up for from a friend. 

18:32 

If your friend was telling you just to quit, and give up and you're not good enough, you wouldn't stay in that friendship Not for long, I'd hope. So to love ourselves as if our life depends on it, because it can. And for some of us, it really does. And that's been the most healing practice for me out of anything that I've tried is self partnership and to be in love with myself. 

19:02 

And I find too, that once you know we've gone down that road of loving ourselves and really accepting who we are and all of our faults and all of our you know the good things we have about ourselves. That's when we attract the partners that mirror back to us how much we do love ourselves. Yeah. And so I don't realize this came in whenever you're like talking about how you just got married, and then the baby just kind of came in and it's like, I mean, it just all happens at the right timing, but it's because it started with Jessica loving Jessica. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's, uh, I felt I don't think I needed to prove any points or have any sort of a scorecard or anything, you know, at the end at the quote unquote end of the game of how much do I love myself. I love myself so much that I'm getting these external markers of a husband and a family, however, that they came in, whenever I was ready when I 

20:00 

was whole and complete. And no parent is perfect. I'm not in any way trying to put that on myself. But I feel I know in my absolute heart and soul that I can be a such a better parent to this little person who's coming in to this. I mean, they've, I've seen them as a, as an adolescent,

as a grown adult like the that I get to shepherd in their soul and take care of them. I just I know, I can do it now. Whereas 10 years ago, I can't imagine what sort of unhealed wounded type of mom that I probably would have been. 

20:42 

You would have been perfect at that time. Exactly. 

20:46 

Exactly. And the right soul would have came in to experience exactly what you were bringing forth. But this self, the soul that chose to come in now, and where you're at, I mean, it'll be so interesting to see the unfoldment of and the beautiful, you know, relationship that you're going to develop with this soul at where you're at? Because I think about that, too. Like where I am now? Because I yeah, I mean, I had, I was a crazy mom, I call myself I was a hot, energetic mess mom for years. But you know, just, it's just where I was at. I mean, you know, I had no, I had nothing to base anything on spiritually or wisdom wise. And I see now why when people are older, and they have children, or grandchildren, or whatever it is. I mean, I can see why it's such a different dynamic, because I am in such a space of like, Yeah, I'm just chill now versus before, I was like, freaking the hell out about everything. 

21:38 

So what a blessing Jessica, to have this child in your 40s. I mean, really, 

21:42 

I do feel chill. Yeah, it's great and hospitable with myself, and all all the good things in that, that age brings, in addition to this deep work that I went through for, it was probably about 16 or 18 months of the initial manuscript, and then all of the revisions and edits and things like that. 

22:05 

And I recall, too, you had shared a lot on Instagram, when you were going through and how you the land and where you were living at and you really shared a lot of the process of nature and what you were going through, and it was an absolutely beautiful exposure of what you were experiencing during that time. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I've, I'm going to, my intention is to share more about that. And just the specifics of how I worked with the land here to write the book, the first line of the book came in while I was in the backyard trimming weeds. 

22:41 

My field of dreams, you know, I bought this, this property.

22:46 

And someone said, like that whole backyard like that's, it's all just been left to go to hell by the previous owners. And those are, those are just these huge weeds. And I thought, I'm going to cut them all and I'm going to cut them all by hand. 

23:00 

So I went out starting in the first where I live on the west coast of candidates to pretty mild climate. So I went out the first sunny day in January, and started cutting those weeds and symbolized that each of them was a limiting belief 

23:19 

of have fear of writing the book, fear of sharing my story, fear of success. That was an interesting one of what if the book is good, and what if it does? Well, like that was kind of keeping my hands tied. And I went out and I would look at this weed and I'm saying, like, each one would be like, the diameter of at least like a quarter. So big, we'd say you symbolize this limiting belief, and mindfully cut it and I could have mowed the whole thing and been done in a week. 

23:51 

tunity there, to work with the earth to work with, with grounding principles with the material world, and then to be able to bring this book into the material world. Honestly, once I was done, there was a little part of me that's like, oh, all the weeds are gone. 

24:09 

Literally inside and outside. Right? Yeah. Well, I'm a work in progress, as we all are, and I believe until our last breath, it's like it's just an onion unfoldment you know, like, you know, really taking off all of the different layers one by one because yeah, we're made up of so many layers, but what a beautiful process to have the earth to really get to have that gift for you, Jessica. I mean, how beautiful it's, it's, 

24:37 

again, like I said, it's It's surreal. I was cutting the weed and the first line of the book came in, and I stopped, and I kind of looked around all by myself and we were in lockdowns and everything. So I've been by myself in an isolation for a while as well. And I kind of looked around at nothing and went is that my first line? Is that really that's my first line. 

25:00

25:00 

like, oh my goodness, because I said I start the book with a very personal story about the last, the last time I almost got kicked out 

25:09 

the church in which I was raised. So I came in and I wrote 50,000 words in the next three or four weeks. Wow, just flood gates. Yes. 

25:24 

So through this book, what is a big message that you would like people, the readers of this book? And are you doing an audible? Yes, yeah, I've recorded all of the audio book chapters. And they're just, they're just being edited by the sound engineering now. So that'll be out. The book will be out March 4. And the audio book, I think, maybe a little later in March takes a bit more time of listening. It's like 20 hours or something like that. Wow. So what is the what is the key message that you would like to leave this podcast was for the listeners about the book and about the process of reading your book and going through it? 

26:01 

Oh, that's a whole bunch of questions. Of course, dare to love yourself. 

26:09 

It's not something that we are often taught to do, or that we are deserving of, especially for my generation, I do have hope for the the younger generations as well. But for those of us in my generation, it's just dare dare yourself, dare to dream and start with that self partnership. 

26:34 

And the book itself fade to light. 

26:38 

I've had a couple of friends that have have previewed it for me and just went whoa, they had to put it down. And one one said I think it's because I know you well, that I was reading these experiences that happened to you. I'm it's a very raw, honest read, especially at the beginning. I'm not I'm 

26:59 

I'm not pulling any punches. I'm being very honest with how I was raised. And I'm taking accountability, as well. That's the thing is the book has a happy ending.

accountability, as well. That's the thing is the book has a happy ending. 

27:08 

You've heard about it from us here. It ends on it ends on a positive note, there's so many lessons that are learned that I'm able to share along the way. And 

27:19 

I'm pleased I would, I'm going to whenever the books released in a couple of weeks is to have a ceremony to let it go. Because it's not my book anymore. Once it's out there. It becomes whatever it is for each person. So if it seems like something that's appealing to you, please, I would I would love for it to be part of your journey, your experience as well. But no matter what, tell yourself I love you. See how that feels. Start there. And dare dare to dream. Dare to love yourself. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Well, Jeff, thank you so much for coming on today sharing your beautiful book fade to light. The and I will have obviously all the links there it is for the video and the audio is what is on the cover up because I can't really see from here. It's a beautiful heart and looks like is yeah, it's an illustration. So we've got kind of the lungs with the roots and the fading and the halo of the very kind of ethereal beautiful personage type of 

28:22 

type of image. Yeah, it's pretty beautiful, beautiful. Well, I wish you much success. I wish your new baby many blessings for the journey is coming into what I can do for you. 

28:34 

Thank you. And thank you so much, Jess, for coming on today. I really appreciate it. Teresa. Thank you. Wherever you're at in the world. Thank you again for listening to another episode of enthusiastically spiritual. A big thanks for Jessica for coming on today. sharing with us her story, her new book fade to light and accessing some insights about loving yourself deeper accessing that strengthen that gut intuition whenever you need it throughout your life. If you've not subscribed to this podcast, please make sure you hit subscribe. Also hit like also please feel free to leave a comment and how you enjoyed this episode. And also please feel free to share with your friends and family. If you'd like to connect with me, please you can go to the link in the show notes for pod inbox where you can leave a message for me or support this podcast. So until next week, please make sure that you remember that life is too short to not be enthusiastic about your unique journey.